#'Monstrositiy??? Really??'

[bananastarion]

hello :)

I saw your post about you deleting your own art. I think a lot of people on here know the feeling, I know I certainly do. I immediately felt weirdly grandmotherly about what you said in your tags, like, oh no! oh poor baby! here, have some raisin cookies and some tea, let me hug you, nanny's here or whatever X)

I have deleted some stuff in the past as well (I write). It can feel better this way, it's a kind of mental hygiene, yea?

But listen, honey. That's the point. I'm making a bit of an assumption here, but to me it's downright terrifying to post the thing I've poured my heart and soul into and send it out into the webs. Maybe it's a little like taking your kid too school for the first time. If it (your art) doesn't do as well, if, for some reason, it doesn't seem to resonate with your audience as much as it does with you, that's incredibly hurtful.

So, because I feel that pain, I really do, I'd like to share THE best creative advice I've ever gotten:

When I was experiencing bad writer's blog, a GORGEOUS writer here on tumblr whom I admire very much, said this: "We (writers and artists) are capable of an incredible feat of self love. Ideas build up in our heads, long before we start actually creating. Then, one day, out of the blue, we sit down and type the first word" (or draw the first pencil stroke in your case, yes?) "people who don't create, have no idea how much it takes to do that." And that will probably never change. Sad, but true. That is sometimes reflected in the amount of response we get. (fuck notes am i right) Letting yourself get too dependent on that can feel really poisonous. It is, I believe, the exact opposite of that self love. The perceived "love" other people show for our work. It sucks the life right out of you. Everybody feels the need for that praise. When we fall in love with another person, we feel the same urge to tell them and shout it out into the world. But we also have that instinct to keep it (the love, the art) to ourselves, protect and shelter it. Think of a teenager in love for the first time. They may be more likely to blurt it out, unaware that people don't always respond to us as tenderly as we may wish. And that hurts, like hell.

But no matter how frustrated you get, always, always try to find your back to that! The self love! And self love doesn't mean seeing no flaws in your art, never criticizing or questioning what you do and how "well" you do it. It means to KEEP DOING IT, no matter what. Take breaks if you need to, breaks are great. But always get back to the self love. That is why we do it, I think.

So post if you feel ready for it. Or don't if you need to swaddle that babe for a little while longer (what). But keep creating and keep loving it.

If you need a partner in crime and art, please: feel free to hit me up anytime. We could be accountability buddies, or art buddies or the agony-that-is-the-creative-process-buddies, or just friends :)

And if this monstrositiy of unsolicited advice is totally missing the point, feel free to ignore me. :)

Sorry it took me a minute to get back to you, I've been super busy this week helping my dad plan a wine dinner ahdjkfh it's a whole thing... anyway.

It was really kind of you to take the time to write all of this for a stranger, so thank you. I used to be a prolific writer and artist, it would just flow out of me effortlessly. It was never on a professional level or anything, but I didn't do it to impress anyone. I did it entirely for myself.

Then some things happened in my life that destroyed my confidence (not just in my art, but in general) and my creativity suffered immensely. I developed a terrible block that has lasted for years, with no end in sight. Every time I try to get back into things, I find myself frustrated that my output isn't even close to par with what I had done years ago. And most of my work from the past has been lost or destroyed, so I have nothing to show for it. It feels so frustrating, like some part of me has been lost that I can't recover, and now that I'm older it feels too late to bother trying to get it back. So when I finally, actually try while fighting my block every step of the way, putting in a tremendous effort for a lackluster result, only to have my perceptions (seemingly) confirmed by receiving no validation, it really hurt me in a way I wasn't expecting it to. I was considered a prodigy as a child, but my skills quickly stagnated and declined as I got older due to mental health issues... I feel like I let everyone who once believed in me down. Even my own mom, who has a masters degree in art, said "You were good for a child, but you're just not very good anymore. Maybe it's time to find something else", and that was kind of the final nail in the coffin for me.

I think you hit the nail (different nail than the one in the coffin...lol) on the head, that it's not my creativity I've lost, but my self love. Your insight was beautifully said, and rings true. Sorry to just dump my life story on you here, but thanks for listening and caring. It sounds like you can relate, and I'm sorry that you can, but I'd be happy to help encourage you and engage with your creative work as well! Hit me up any time! You seem like an awesome person, and your message was in tune and on time for me. :)

[commanderfloppy]

Some convos I found interesting while leveling in the starting area/re exploring the grove

Also: THAT'S YOUR GRANDPA YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT DON'T BE MEAN