#'sick' as in i had that cold (and i tested three times & all were covid negative dw)

[covid-safer-hotties]

Also preserved on our archive

By Fionnula Hainey

Feeling achey and 'bruised' and 'completely weak' are among the symptoms people who have tested positive for Covid have described in recent weeks.

It comes as a new strain of the virus is spreading across the UK and other countries. Expert have suggested the new variant, named XEC, will soon become the dominant strain, causing a new wave of infections over the autumn.

XEC is understood to have emerged from Omicron subvariants and experts believe vaccines will be effective against the new strain, although some have suggested it may have a 'transmission advantage' over the current dominant strains.

On social media, people who have tested positive for Covid in recent weeks have been describing their symptoms, with some claiming they have 'never been this sick'. Feeling weak, struggling to move and suffering from a fever are among the symptoms that Covid patients have detailed.

On X, formerly Twitter, one person, who tested positive for Covid on September 11 after avoiding it for three years, said: "This new variant is taking no prisoners. I’ve never been this sick in my entire life." Another said Covid had left them "completely weak" and "unable to move for multiple days".

A third person echoed the sentiment saying they struggled to walk after testing positive for the virus. "I tested positive for Covid on Wednesday," they wrote. "Yesterday, I woke up with an achy back. Today I cannot walk. Read that again. I CANNOT WALK. Of the five times I’ve had Covid, this was never a symptom. We are in for a long winter with these mutations."

Another person who said Covid was "kicking my a*s" described being "the most sick I’ve been in years" two days after their positive test. They added: "Must be a super strain."

Feeling weak and achey were common symptoms among people saying they had tested positive, while others reported feeling feverish or suffering headaches.

"Last night felt achy and couldn't get warm, tested positive," one person wrote. "Couldn't sleep at all last night. Woke up with a splitting headache, no fever, but my body feels like one big bruise." Another said: "My lungs are suffering. I am weak and I hurt all over. Covid positive."

Another person said they had "a sore scratchy throat, head and body aches and a fever".

Because widespread testing is no longer taking place as it was during the pandemic, it is difficult to determine just how prevalent Covid is in the UK currently. The NHS recommends that anyone who is suffering from Covid symptoms should try to stay at home and avoid contact with other people.

The NHS has not released a specific list of symptoms associated with the XEC variant but experts say symptoms are similar to the common symptoms associated with previous dominant variants.

According to the NHS website, the most common Covid symptoms are:

a high temperature or shivering (chills) – a high temperature means you feel hot to touch on your chest or back a new, continuous cough – this means coughing a lot for more than an hour, or three or more coughing episodes in 24 hours a loss or change to your sense of smell or taste shortness of breath feeling tired or exhausted an aching body a headache a sore throat a blocked or runny nose loss of appetite diarrhoea feeling sick or being sick The NHS says symptoms are similar to that of a flu or the common cold and people will usually feel better within a few weeks, but some people may experience symptoms for longer.

People are no longer required to take a lateral flow test if they have symptoms of Covid, but tests can be bought at pharmacies for people who want to get tested.

If you or your child does test positive the NHS advises that you stay home and isolate. Children should isolate for three days, while adults are advised to isolate for five days.

In addition, it is recommended that you do not meet up with people who are more likely to get seriously ill from viruses, such as the elderly or people with a weakened immune system, for at least 10 days after a positive test.

[helianthus-hellion]

had to call out sick from work all three days i work this week and i'm a little terrified that HR or my boss is gonna require a doctor's note or something bc i do not want to find an urgent care clinic open on A Fucking Sunday for this. and the anxiety is not helping the Feeling Like Shit aspect of being sick.

[thegreatbeyondmp3]

bro it sucks so much to have to go to work when you're sick

[britneyshakespeare]

why has working two days in a row started to do that to me again? i got out of work almost four hours ago but i cant move

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for getting into a screaming match with a neighbour after he harrassed me for months for being sick?

im gonna start this by saying i dont *think* im the asshole. i more just wanted to share this insane story and maybe get some other points of view on it.

i (22nb) got really sick back in april. like rush to a&e multiple times sick. i tested multiple times but it wasnt covid. it later turns out my cold-like symptoms and my horrendous cough were caused by allergies. it took about 3 months to finally dull it down and feel okay again. i take meds everyday and im still not 100% because the allergen (pollen) persists.

but in this 3-month period of me being sick we found we kept getting knocks on our door. it was our upstairs neighbour (approx 50m). the first time he knocked at 3 in the morning to complain about how my coughing was keeping him awake. he rambled through the door for like 15 minutes about my coughing and demanded we move our bed to the front room so he couldnt hear my coughing anymore.

i, having already been feeling guilty and anxious about being sick because my fiancé (27m) had to take care of me and i lost my job over the situation, decided i was gonna go for a walk. i was really upset and i wanted some fresh air (which at the time i thought would help).

the next morning, the neighbour came down again to inform us that we should keep sleeping in the front room until i recover because he slept so great that night. we informed him that we in fact did not sleep in the front room and i hadnt even been in the flat.

a few days go by and we get another knock at the door. its thankfully daytime and hes talking through the door again. hes demanding that we move into the front room because we are the ones causing the noise disturbance. (once again, i am very sick. paramedics were round at our house 2 days prior to look me over).

we say no to this and he says hes going to get our estate agent to resolve this because we, and i quote, "are being selfish".

a few more days pass and our estate agents inform us that theyre coming to do an inspection. naturally they get here and they want to know my fiancé and i's side of the story. we tell them im very sick and they are very understanding because the neighbour said as much when they put in the noise disturbance complaint. they tell us not to worry and theyll tell the neighbour that hes being silly.

two or three weeks go by and we hear nothing. until one day, whilst my fiancé is at work, he decides to harrass me personally because he knows im home alone. he demands to know exactly what im doing to fix this, tells me how its bothering our other neighbours (who had said nothing to us) and tells me its affecting his quality of life. (i was the one coughing so hard i was vomiting for about two weeks but his quality of life was the one inconvenienced???) in the end, he slinks off back upstairs like usual and i then ring the estate agents to complain about his continued harrassment.

this happens again another time when my fiancé and we start arguing through the door again. it was pretty much like the last few times.

but then, heres where we might be the assholes of the story. after weeks of repeated knocks and lengthy complaints and demands, he knocks again. it was 8am, my fiancé was still sleeping for work. my fiancé woke up to him complaining at me through the door again and lost it. this man was knocking to ask if it was okay to move back into his bedroom because the coughing seemed to have gone down. he wanted us to assure him that i wouldnt get sick again. we opened the door to him for the first time (after giving warning) and got into a screaming match with him. of course in the time it took between giving warning and opening the door, he had scurried upstairs and was yelling at us from there.

i think theres a possibility we are the assholes because the screaming match would have been heard by our downstairs neighbour who was not involved in this at all. we did write him a letter to apologise for this but i still feel kinda shitty about it.

i went back to the estate agents after and reported him again saying if they didnt deal with him, id look into taking legal action for harrassment. its been about a month now and weve heard nothing from him since.

What are these acronyms?

[writingwell]

Could you write a fic where Beckett has been sick for a bit and keeps insisting it’s a cold before Castle forces her to take a Covid test preferably pre-couple pretty pleaseeee🙏🏼

pre-couple but covid, idk what time machine shenanigans would go on for that, so i made it tried-to-be-a-couple didn't-work might-try-again-any-day. you might not be looking for that. but here you go:

What started innocently enough soon turned vicious: from a tickle to a hellacious barking, sniffing when she drank a freshly made cup of espresso to vampire sneezing explosively in rapid succession.

Every eyebrow in the bullpen went up. Every eye turned her way, suspicious and damning.

She seemed to notice her audience, turned to him instead, glaring as she spat, "It's not covid!"

"Uh-huh," he answered. Both hands raised in surrender.

But they all knew.

(Well, they all suspected, because it was 2022, and they were midway through boosters and Delta/Omicron and Great Flu Resurgence and some of the beat officers were getting RSV on top of that and then a stomach flu went around when the masks came off in the precinct, and really, coughing and sneezing and a scratchy voice—what else could it be?)

No one was immune to the suspicion, just as no one was immune to covid but in the window of time afforded to one by the life of the vaccine or a previous bout with the novel corona virus, and well, everyone had their own story to tell, much like after 9/11 when that was the first thing people talked about in the street or meeting for a drink, where were you, only now it was how many of your family died or how long were you laid up?

Rick Castle cornered her (not too closely, no; he knew she was contagious and he didn't want his mother getting it, vaccinated or not) in the parking garage of the Twelfth before she could ride up to Homicide.

"It's not covid," she hissed, before he could even speak.

"So take a test," he answered easily. "Put our minds at ease."

"I did. I have. I've taken three," she hissed.

If he stepped back to avoid whatever sprayed from her hissing, could you blame him? "This morning? Before the call about the body?"

"Last night," she said. A grudging hesitation. "It was negative last night."

"Okay, then maybe go to the City clinic," he said amicably. "Could be strep." Or whooping cough.

"I don't feel bad, no body aches, no fever—"

"Alexis got strep every winter until she was thirteen. That year, no strep! We joked she'd grown out of it. But then her best friend, after every sleepover, would mysteriously come down with strep and Alexis wouldn't. Friend's mom made me take her in and get tested. Sure enough, she was asymptomatic."

"It's not strep," Beckett answered. Scathingly, but she was the Captain, and she did often push him aside when she needed to get going and he was being difficult.

(Busy woman, the Captain of the Twelfth. He was often being difficult, considering he wouldn't quit her and she wouldn't commit to him.

But she wasn't wrong, since she had a press conference to get to and a Homicide division to micro-manage. Whoops, did he say micro-manage? He was being mean. In his own head. To the woman of his dreams/nightmares.

Theirs was often a love-hate relationship these days.)

He kept silent, rode the elevator up with her. He made her a cup of espresso in the break room while she prepped for the press conference. Granted, he was rushing to get it ready—coffee was still their love language, despite the bumps in their road—but when she took a sip and her face blanched, he knew.

"Ahem. Funny taste?"

"It's not covid, Castle."

At the press conference, she was in the middle of her rundown on the DB—okay, yes, Castle should have been listening but the guy had been a jackass member of City Council who had tried to get her fired—and her voice cracked.

She cleared her throat. Coughed delicately into her fist. Tried again.

Her voice broke like fine porcelain in the hands of underpaid movers, and the first question from the press was, Are you coming down with something?

She steadfastly refused to look at him. Deny deny deny, and she was getting good at it, as the Captain of the Twelfth, had to give her that.

He was home that night working on book edits—he was giving Nikki Heat a vicious bout of covid, laying her up in her apartment, when a murderer comes to call—when his phone vibrated off his desk and dropped to the floor.

Her face the ID. From that ill-fated night in his bed. She had changed it twice before he'd discovered a passcode to his phone she couldn't guess/wheedle from his mother. Even now, it filled with him a melange of dread and sweetness, terror and tenderness.

"Captain Beckett, you rang?"

"Castle—"

"You sound awf—"

"I have covid."

"I know," he murmured, rising to his feet. "I bought chicken soup from the Czech deli on my way home, and I have a guy on speed dial who can prescribe you paxlovid."

"The drug? I heard it gives you rebound covid."

"That's not because of the drug," he told her, gathering his keys and wallet, his jacket. "It's just a thing some people get, treatment or no."

"Okay," she croaked. "Get me drugs."

"I'll be right there."

He arrived forty-seven minutes later with the prescription, chicken soup, a package of KN95s, his laptop, and a determination he'd not felt since that botched night.

She took it all.

She wore the mask, laid on the couch in the living room with her face to a satin pillow, her eyes slitted like a cat, and watched him make edits on the book.

"Did you give her covid?" she rasped.

"Yes."

She didn't answer. Merely watched him.

He submitted his first round of edits and made her a bowl of soup, wore his own mask but wouldn't isolate from her as she sipped the broth. Her throat worked as if each swallow was pain. Her eyes had dark rings, bruised-looking, and her hair was limp. She coughed and they both flinched.

He fished a water with electrolytes from his bag of provisions, opened it for her because her fingers looked fragile. She drank. She eyed him.

She fell asleep with the bowl against her chest, half drunk. He took it from her, put the water on the floor close at hand, couldn't resist pushing the hair back behind her ear.

He bent low. Held his breath for an instant before he confessed: "I didn't want to. But. I still love you."

-----

[isbergillustration]

Today's inktober is courtesy of today's creative writing assignment, which you can read under the cut;

Mask, gloves, hand sanitizer, that used to be all you needed. Then you could go out, have as much fun as you like. Not here, though. Not any more. In other places, they got vaccines. Well, they are getting them. Twice a year, every year, because those are the important people. The ones with access. The same sort of people, maybe, who during the regular lockdowns have vast houses and gardens in which to isolate, not tiny shithole apartments. Have you tried walking up fourteen flights with post Covid lung capacity? It’s not fun. And in the mask, too. We’ve moved past the cloth and paper masks, most of us. They don’t last long enough, and they’re not sufficiently secure for when you use your one allotted day out waiting in queues all day with people trying to hide their coughs, who have somehow faked their tests. They never quite figured out a foolproof way to stop people from doing that. No, it’s proper gas masks, these days. I got mine off the net in the early days, I was lucky. It’s from the cold war and there’s probably remnants of worse stuff, but it’s got filters and it keeps the Covid and the smells out. So far.

I’ve only gotten it four times in the last five years, which is pretty good. I got a shot of Astra-Zeneca, back when they still bothered producing it, when they figured the leftover from the rich West were good enough for us. After the heart attacks and deaths. That’s all, though. No more shots for me, at least not of that kind. Maybe a few of some cheap vodka. If I can get any. It has been hard getting anything not local and dirt cheap for years. I’ve got contacts, but even they are becoming unreliable.

I finish closing up my protective suit, such as it is. It was sent by the government, three years ago now, and several patches are taped up from the inside, painted the pale grey white to blend in. I can’t afford a new one. I also can’t afford to get sick again. Last time it was months before I was able to function again, and that was back when Emily was alive. When I still had someone to- anyway.

As I close and lock the door behind me, the automatic disinfection shower starts. Before I can leave my little airlock made from cheap plastic, I have to get sprayed down. At least this time it is scented, but the scent they have chosen seems to be brackish water with rotting seaweed.

No one else on my floor is allowed out today. Can’t risk contamination. It works, I suppose, as a system. Part of these new blocks they built, designed for social distancing, as the ads say. Dirt cheap rent, so all the people with the highest risk get stuck in the same space, and are easier to quarantine. Means that other than the noises that seep through the walls, you don’t get to know your neighbours. I know there lives a family above me. I know that there’s only one set of running and jumping toddler feet I hear from there lately.

The fresh air would be nice if it wasn’t filtered through fifty year old filters, but I enjoy it anyway. You only get to go out every fourteen days, after all, and it’s been a while. If you’ve got a pet that needs air, or a small enough child, there’s exception. I’ve got neither, these days. I’ve got no one. It’s safer, I hear people say. You’ve got no one else you’ve got to worry about getting sick. No, I agree, not any more.

Within five minutes I reach the queue. It snakes through the few green spaces between the apartment buildings. It’s not to bad today. Two kilometres, maybe. I forgot to check the app before I left, and I can’t open the suit to get at my phone. No one can. Suppose that’s the bright side of this. We’re forced to talk to each other, because there’s nothing else. It’s hard, though, through the masks. A sort of sign language has developed, combined with gestures. It’s not proper sign language, for that you need to see the mouth, and have better finger mobility than these gloves allow for, but it’s enough. How are you? What about this weather, huh? Lost anyone? Condolences. Wonder if there’s fresh bread today. In other places people got into baking during the pandemic, but, well. With the price of things these days…

Later, after an efficient 5 hours of queueing, I got my shopping for the next two weeks done. It’s locked in my airlock for 24 hours for safety. Much of it is canned, don’t know what good the sanitiser does for that, but I’m no biochemist. My contact, though…

When I got home, I found an encrypted message waiting for me. After making sure it was safe, running it through decryption, it was there: an offer of a new underground vaccine. Not tested, no. This was that. Illicit search for human test subjects. And it paid, too. Not a lot, but enough to matter. Would I be interested?

Fcuk yes, I type, sending it before I can catch my typo, sign me up.

I haven’t even read the risks found in animal trials, but god, if it works? Anything for the kind of freedom those who can afford to go abroad and get the vaccines have. There’s parts of the big cities, blocked off from everyone who couldn’t get vaxxed. I hear it’s real bougie now, all nice and not constantly covered in trash. The environment is recovering too. Isn’t it nice, they say, strolling through sparsely populated parks, not even bothering to carry masks these days. Some of them don’t even have some remnants of long Covid symptoms. God. Most people have had it a number of times, now. And it doesn’t get easier. It’s worth a little, I check the list, vomiting, migraines, heart disease, certain cancers and strange dreams. A hint of kidney failure if you’re lucky. Poor mice. But hey, what have I got to lose?

[kareenvorbarra]

bitching about work-related things

okay so. i stayed home sick Monday-Wednesday this week with a cold. i felt really shitty for a few days but nothing unusual, i didn't have a fever, the home covid test was negative. yesterday i text my boss to tell her i'm staying home a third day, and she says that if i'm out sick for three days in a row, i need a doctor's note saying i'm okay to come back in. not a doctor's note as an excuse for being out this long, but after three days i can't return to work unless a doctor says it's okay.

i didn't know this until my boss told me - my previous job (which was in a different part of the same organization) had a similar rule, but it only kicked in if you were out for five days in a row, which i think only happened to me once and it was because i had mono (so i had already been to the doctor to get the diagnosis and it was easy to get her to write me the letter)

so yesterday i called the clinic a couple of times trying to figure out what to do, because i was pretty sure i would feel okay enough to go to work today (Thursday), but nothing really came of it, I couldn't get in touch with my doctor or any of her nurses, the nurses i talked to at the urgent care were very nice but they said they couldn't write me a note without actually seeing me, and i could kind of tell they didn't want me to have to go to the urgent care when it was pretty clear i didn't need to. finally someone told me that the doctor's office would call me the next day and figure out what i needed to do. so i text my boss and tell her i couldn't get a note, i'm going to be out at least one more day, it's fine.

today i didn't mind missing work again because i'm still a little bit sick, though not really sick enough by shitty US calling-in-sick standards (i have gone to work feeling like this, most people i know have gone to work sicker than this, even though people probably shouldn't be doing that). i waited all morning for someone to call me, nobody did. so i went on the website of my health care provider and apparently they're having trouble with their phones and website right now. i can't log into the site that would let me send and receive messages from my doctor, i can't even look up the doctor on the website to find her phone number.

anyway i feel insane and i can't believe i'm here tearing my hair out and making a bunch of phone calls trying to go back to work after having a mildly bad cold. has anyone else ever worked somewhere that doesn't allow you to come back in after being out sick for THREE DAYS without a doctor saying you're okay? maybe if health care was free i wouldn't mind just trying to schedule an appointment at urgent care, but i don't want to have to pay for an appointment i don't need just to be able to go back to work? i truly do not mind missing work, they will be fine without me for another day, and tbh it's my workplace's fault for having this rule, but i'm also a little worried that my boss is going to be annoyed at me for having trouble getting this doctor's note...like i'm not trying hard enough or something (even though this is 100% a problem of my workplace's own creation)

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

I need 2022 to end on a high note.

This has been the hardest year of my adult life, and that's saying a lot.

This year?

Started with a letter from the IRS informing us they took our entire federal tax return because I have to pay back my "no strings attaches" stimulus check. Why? Because I'm a Disabled non-contributing member of society.

A couple weeks later we received an eviction notice, no reason provided because legally one is not required if we've lived in a place for less than a year. We had two months to find a new place. Nothing in the size we need was less than $2500/month, and everything was month-to-month. Why month-to-month? Because of the law regarding raising rent. By not having a longterm contract, the landlord can raise rent every month. Oh, and kick us out whenever they damn well please.

Began house hunting because buying a house was the only other option. FYI: there are a LOT of programs for first time homebuyers. Programs for waiving the downpayment, covering part of the mortgage, programs for the Disabled so we can afford to buy a home, etc. Get a real estate agent, a good one, and they'll find all of this and more.

Husband's previous job began cutting hours because wages are "too high." No one could work full time. Husband's paycheck was cut in half because of this.

Husband applies for new job, has three interviews and waits for almost two months while dealing with other job.

Find a house, fill out paperwork, then the person who was helping us and processing everything for extremely sick with covid. The office clerk was given the job and fucked it up. She had everything she needed, but "lost" everything and need other stuff. We were supposed to move in on June 30th. It was moved a day, so we ended up having to borrow a friend's camper while all our stuff was in the moving trucks (yes, two trucks).

Because of the delay, the cold and frozen food we had stored in the fridge went bad. It was 100 F. We lost $600 worth of food. Because of this clerk's fuckup. We didn't budget for this!

Because of the delay, the moving people we hired to load, haul, and unload ended up costing more, leaving us with nothing to tip them with. Thankfully, they didn't throw a fit and were happy with gifts we gave them.

The landlord tried pulling some illegal shit and kept our deposit while demanding $500 from us. I sent a letter to the property management company, informing them if we didn't receive our deposit soon we would take them to small claims court. I check court cases to see how often the landlords here win. They never win. The law here also states that if we did take them to small claims, the landlord would have to give us TWICE the deposit amount. If we won, which we would, the landlord would have to cover our court costs as well, bring their bill to around $7k. Giving us our deposit back was in their best interests.

Husband got the new job and just days later we get sick. At my urging, we went to a clinic and got tested for covid. Came back positive. The new job is union, so no job loss due to being sick.

Husband got only fatigue, exhaustion, and his sense of smell and taste got weird.

I got a runny nose and congestion so severe, I ended up using a netipot 4-6 times a day for two weeks. Diarrhea like I'd eaten something with gluten in it. This required eating unripe bananas three times a day. Thankfully, two of Husband's DnD players were happy to go shopping for us and drop things off. I had pain everywhere. Moving around was a nightmare. Exhaustion like I had never experienced before. A fever for a week even while I had a constant full dose of Tylenol in my system. The fever ended up damaging my brain and now I have brain fog. I did pneumonia exercises to prevent pneumonia; I have epilepsy and asthma, both of which making getting/being sick an absolute nightmare.

It wasn't until the middle of November when the last of my symptoms finally ended. The worst that lingered was a weird pain in my left calf. It made walking extremely difficult, especially when the pain migrated down to my foot and ankle. It was like my body was remembering pain I had before. I still have brain fog and no idea when or if this will fix itself.

Wildfire smoke blanketed our area, making it difficult to recover from covid, and even after the tests came back negative, I was still suffering. Said suffering was made worse by the smoke, even with two air purifiers running and every window and door closed. For several months, it felt like I was wearing a too small corset too tightly.

Finally received our deposit from the landord this month. Used that to cover the costs of a few things, plus treating ourselves because this year has been shit.

Jasper, our cat, became fatally ill and had to be euthanized two days ago. I've talked about it a lot, so no need to mention more here.

I'm unable to focus long and well enough to get any sewing done, which means adding more inventory to my shop has been slowed. I had intended to work on holiday stuff in September, but got sick with covid and couldn't work on anything until October. Now it's more like I'm preparing for nest year.

Husband has a massive cyst at the base of his spine that needs to be drained. He's had cysts there twice before, but in his 20s. We think this was triggered due what he leans on when having a break at work. It's the corner of a cement thing and it rested right there on the spot where the cyst is. He wanted to drain it at home last night, and we tried. He woke up in even more pain, and is now at an urgent care clinic. I'm signing him up for insurance today because he's been delaying it for months. The insurance is provided by his employer. It won't cover today, but I did tell him to pick up financial aid paperwork before he gets home.

I need December to be amazing, great, wonderful, full of happy things and good news. No more bad news this year, no more bad things. I need this to end on a high note of positive and not sink into shit again when the new year starts.

I am so fucking tired.

[dianewritesstuff]

Life after covid

They say that in order to remember things, you should create a mind palace. You walk around your palace, attach memories to objects in each room you create and reminisce on good times gone,

A fresh chance to relieve the dream.

In my mind palace, the chair is bolted to the floor, there is a stainless steel sink and a razor in a tin mug, and the light bulb keeps flickering. I don't know if these things are metaphors for something. But deep down, I know this to be more prison than palace.

I'm afraid of walking into any room in my mind,or being alone because it reminds me of 2021.

It reminds me of the husks of friendships that withered with a plague, faster than the epidemic,

The cancer of helplessness and panic that killed all hope faster than the virus ever spread

They say fake it till you make it but not  how to fake it when your life has been forced to a standstill

They don't say what to do if your mind palace is four stone cold walls.

Let me ask you this,

Have you ever wished for noise after craving silence all your life?

Have you ever shied away from an ambulance because you feel guilty and glad that it's not you on the other side of the doors? And knowing that you were the youthful strong carrier of a deadly virus to your family and loved ones with no consent?

That your need for family closeness is what got your mother sick in the first place?

It is ironic when you think about it.....our bodies loaded to kill with kindness and affection, the things we always considered so natural suddenly weaponized.

How messed up is it that a cough could kill millions and threaten to extinct a whole planet?

And how am I supposed to move on when the word flue still tastes like sandpaper on my tongue?

Sometimes it's hard to expect to find something good in an empty place

But if you sit in the dark long enough, you learn that floor bolts make good pick locks, and that you are only a prisoner if you don't learn to welcome the darkness and make it shine around you.

I kept myself prisoner in my mind for three years, until one day the curiosity in my soul overpowered the fear to face my demons and I decided to go hunting new ones out in the world.

COVID wasn't the hardest thing we had to face. Learning to walk in an apocalyptic world was the true test of human strength and I can honestly say that crawling isn't too far behind walking.

©️dianewritesstuff

#life_after_covid

[megan-loves-surveys]

#18.

What are three things that make you feel sick to your stomach? 🤮: Other people vomiting, pieces of onion in things (onion flavour is fine, I just don't like the texture of them) and rotten egg smell.

Have you ever had food poisoning? 🤢: Yup. It was from an egg sandwich at a bakery, I think the eggs weren't refrigerated properly. Every single person that ate at that place got sick that day. It eventually went out of business lol.

What is your favorite shade of green? 💚: I like all shades.

What are three items on your current to-do list? ✅: Go to the gym, buy a few things (shapewear mainly) and check in with my BFF.

What is one of your favorite Christmas carols? 🎄: I dunno about carols, but I loveeeeee Girls Aloud's Christmas EP. Their original songs, especially "Count The Days", are gorgeous.

What are three things that you would buy if you were rich? 🤑: I'd just travel constantly, and come home to NZ in the summer. I'd also get front row seats to every WWE and AEW event lol.

Do you own a Nerf gun? 🔫: No.

Have you ever been a member of a 4H club? 🍀: No idea what that even is, lol.

Have you ever been to Washington state? 🌲: I've been to the airport there when I was transferring between San Francisco and Chicago.

What is your favorite thing about the beach? 🌴: I'm not a big fan of the beach, but I do like when you go and the weather is glorious.

Are you afraid of snakes? 🐍: We don't have snakes in my country, so I don't really have any experience with them xD

Do you think frogs are ugly? 🐸: No, they can be cute!

Are you Irish? ☘️: Yep, my last name couldn't get any more Irish if it tried (it has an apostrophe in it xD).

Name three things that you find refreshing. 🌿: Cold water, nice fresh air and a nice shower.

What are three things you like about spring? 🍃: Winter is over, it's getting warmer and the trees are going green again.

Do you like guacamole? 🥑: Not really.

Do you have spring allergies? 🌱: Definitely.

Are you currently waiting for something? 🐢: A few things, yeah.

What are three things that don’t exist, that you think it would be cool if they did? 🦖: Flying, a way to make sure I always had enough money and cheaper travel :P

Are you a bookworm? 🐛: Used to be, but sadly not anymore.

What is your favorite type of tree? 🌳: I don't know what the names of trees are lol.

Do you have a green thumb? 🧤: No.

Have you ever had kiwi by itself, not paired with strawberry? 🥝: All the time, tho in my country, it's called kiwifruit xD

Have you ever had a coworker named Liz? 🦎: No.

What are three of your favorite things to put on salads? 🥗: Mayo and that balsamic dressing.

What is your favorite vegetable? 🥦: Potatoes. Obviously. Also corn and peas.

Have you ever cut cucumbers? 🥒: No?

Who was/were your favorite high school teachers? 🍏: Miss Haywood was cool, she was my IT teacher.

Have you had COVID? 🦠: I definitely did, in 2022. I was sick far longer than I usually am with a cold, and I felt shitty for weeks after - I was tired by the middle of the day and kept getting dizzy. I think I had it again last year too, but I never tested so I can never be sure.

What’s your favorite type of salad dressing? 🥬: Mayo.

How often do you take the trash out? 🚛 : We put our bins out once every 2 weeks, but more often if they get super full.

When was the last time you completed a jigsaw puzzle? 🧩: Good lord, I have no clue.

What are three things that appeal to you about New York City? 🗽: So many things to do, I love that busy city feel and great shopping.

Do you own a pair of Crocs, and if so, what color are they? 🐊: Hell no. And if I ever wear a pair, please kick my ass cos I've clearly lost my mind LOL.

What is your Chinese zodiac sign? 🐲: Rabbit.

What is your favorite game show to watch? ❎: Dunno.

Do you own any succulents? 🎍: No.

What was the last type of fruit you ate? 🍈: Kiwifruit.

About how much time do you spend online in a day? ✳️: Too many hours lol.

Do you prefer canoeing or kayaking? 🛶: Neither.

What is your least favorite shade of green? 🟩: All of them are cool.

Name three things you hate or dislike that are green. 🟢: Green onions, that weird chives stuff that's in everything... hmm.

What makes you shine? ❇️: Dunno.

Do you prefer books or movies? 📗: Books.

Are you more reserved or outspoken? 🈯️: I can be both.

Do you like olives? 🫒: No.

Do you like pears? 🍐: Not really, I don't like the gritty texture.

Do you own a notebook made out of recycled paper? ♻️:? Not that I know of.

Have you ever performed a trick with a yo-yo?🪀: Maybe as a kid, yo-yos were a fad for awhile.

Do you like peppers? 🫑: Not particularly.

What are three of your favorite insects (or insects that you think look cool)? 🪲: Butterflies, and that's about it.

What is your favorite zoo animal? 🦚: Anything cute.

Would you ever dye your hair green? 🧑‍🎤: Perhaps, I already do blue and purple, green is not that much of a stretch.

When was the last time you had a juicebox?🧃: As a kid?

What is the highest level of science class you have completed? 🧪: None, lol.

What are three things that appeal to you about Japanese culture? 💹: They have the best music, video games, wrestling and video game music <3

Would you own a pet dragon if you could? 🐉: No.

Are you a tea drinker? 🍵: Only the bubble tea you get at places haha.

Do you like mangoes? 🥭: Yes.

Are you able to keep a plant alive? 🪴: Never really tried.

And last but not least, did you enjoy this survey? : Sure.

What’s your hair texture?

Very fine and thin. I wish it was thicker.

Do you have a certain spot in your house you go to for comfort?

I guess my room.

Do you play games on your phone?

Yes.

When was the last time you took medication?

The other day.

Would you rather do without sweet or salty snacks?

Sweets, I can't live without salty stuff.

Would you say that you are introspective?

Sure.

Do you enjoy buying gifts for others?

Yes.

Do you have any odd habits?

Depends what you consider odd.

Is acting something you’d enjoy? are you convincing?

I took Drama at school, but I don't think so.

When was the last time you couldn’t do something you had planned?

A couple of weeks ago when my friend got sick and had to cancel going to a wrestling show, he was my ride so I couldn't go either.

In what ways are you immature?

I love plushies haha <3

Does the weather impact your mood?

Oh yeah, shitty weather just ruins your mood.

Have you ever lost control of a car?

I don't drive.

Do you tend to be irrational or more realistic?

Realistic.

What was the last lie you told?

I told a white lie to a client at work the other day who was asking if their paper work had gone through, it hadn't, but I was tired of them calling to ask lol. So I said it had but the system was being slow so they'd shut up xD

What’s your thoughts on people having selfies as their phone backgrounds?

Who cares, it's their phone, they can do what they like. It doesn't affect you what their bg is like.

What is your phone background of?

On my lock screen, it's me with Five when I met them last week atm. On my main screen it's a photo of Mox xD

Have you ever purposely kept a library book?

No.

Are the Olympics something you get into?

Yes, about the only time I actually watch sports haha.

You’re given $500. what would you spend it on?

Wrestling merch and a few pairs of Converse!

Name something fun you do in your spare time.

Go to wrestling shows, I average 2 or 3 a month.

What did you get your first award for?

Something for English I'm sure.

How long do you spend online each day?

Too many hours.

Do you struggle with anxiety?

I can do.

Do you have anything close by that is soft and fluffy?

Not within reach, but I do have a super soft rug in my room xD

Does it bother you when people use all caps or all lower case letters?

Caps, yes. But when I message or type on Discord, I don't use capital letters at all so I can't complain about that xD The only time I use capital letters is when I'm on my phone and it automatically puts them.

Do you prefer lamps or overhead lights?

Both.

Chocolate, strawberry, or vanilla milkshake?

Chocolate or strawberry.

What’s something or someone you’ll always defend?

Jon Moxley. Always and forever.

Would you or have you ever dyed your hair blue?

Yep!

[janeblr]

ranting about my post-covid issues under the cut.

my difficulty breathing, frequent infections, exhaustion, etc. after i had covid were all explained by physical damage to the alveolar epithelium. i just had to wait for my lungs to regenerate while i got respiratory infection after respiratory infection and got winded walking around the grocery store. but trying to propose that theory to ANY healthcare professional just made them roll their eyes like "oh another nursing student who thinks she's a genius" like NO it's a very simple and logical explanation and research into lung damage following COVID infection supports my theory!!! but when i say things like "i didn't get winded because being sick for a few weeks deconditioned me, but because my lungs can't oxygenate my blood as effectively" they thought i was being dramatic and gave me albuterol inhalers even though i HAVE asthma and i KNOW what asthma feels like and that was not it. an albuterol inhaler did not help my lungs work better. and i got frequent infections because covid knocked out all the little macrophages in my alveoli so bacteria and viruses could easily penetrate the already weakened alveolar tissue.

and i know damn well that if they had bothered to labs besides a cbc and cmp, i would have had an elevated crp and esr but nooooo i was just being dramatic!!! it was just cold season :))) like im sorry i didn't know cold season meant you get seriously sick for two weeks at a time every month. and also i wish that bitch allergist/immunologist i was referred to a very Die because she wanted to do skin prick testing for allergies and i refused because "i'm telling you right now. this isn't allergies or asthma" she said "oh you'd be surprised! sometimes allergies can even present as heartburn haha!" like don't fucking condescend me. i know what eosinophilic esophagitis is i'm not stupid.

and like. my alveoli healed! i can breathe again! i hadn't gotten on my bike in almost a YEAR the other day but i was able to do ten miles without dying whereas i was gasping for breath after one mile when i got on my bike three months after having covid. i feel vindicated.

URHGHHH looking back im just so MAD that nobody listened to me!!! literally the only doctors who have ever listened to me are my gyno that agreed to an exploratory laparoscopy because i made my case against birth control or gnrh antagonists to treat severe period pain consistent with endometriosis, and my ortho that BELIEVED ME and didn't stop at x-rays to see why i was in pain and did MRIs and found yep! multiple bulging or herniated discs, uneven hips, diffuse inflammation around my lower spine/sacrum. instead of being like "oh you're in your twenties you're just drug seeking/being dramatic"

the birth control thing literally made me so mad because i understand it's the most common treatment for endo, but i said at the beginning that oral contraceptives are a bad mix with Crazy because they cancel out my antidepressants. lo and fucking behold i'm in the ER with a guard and my arm hacked open after five days on lo loestrin fe. but i was like look. all oral contraceptives are going to do the same thing, gnrh antagonists are metabolized by the liver in the same pathways as my mood stabilizers, and the only guaranteed to diagnose and treat endo is laparoscopy and ablation/excision. so she did it and stuck an IUD in me while i was put under because i can't do a pelvic exam without literally kicking her in the face. #justcsathings lol. luckily i DONT have endo(period pain was psychogenic, #justcsathings lol) and the hormones of the IUD are locally acting and don't affect my mental health.

grrrr being a woman in healthcare is a nightmare. btw i don't have a UTI its an external yeast infection, which i was surprised by because i don't have any of the classic yeast infection symptoms besides hellfire when i pee. i have to pick up my diflucan from walgreens tomorrow morning.

[jazzromance]

I feel like death is chasing me. (And this is not some kind of a metaphor or dramatic statement for some general anxiety I happen to face in my life as of right now.) It's exactly what it feels like, right now I feel like I'm doing everything in my power to evade some kind of death that is trying to catch me. I think I mentioned the thunderstorms I experienced during the late summer. There were two thunderstorms where the big windows in my apartment felt like they were inviting the lightning to come in, like they were closing in on me. It almost felt like a flash could be made out of thin air, that's how electrifying it was. That night I made promises to God, that I was going to lead a better life, that I wasn't able to keep.

Some weeks goes by, and one day walking down the street everything turned white, like I couldn't see anything for a couple of seconds. I was in a phonecall and I told my mother "how strange this is, everything turned white..." and then I heard the thunder again, striking this time. I ran home that evening and told everyone that I care deeply about that I survived getting hit by lightning.

The week after that I get very sick in Covid-19. Nothing special about that, I think, since I've tested positive four times before (I work with people), including three vaccinations, and it was nothing different than a regular cold. But this time it hits differently. I'm extremely sick the first week, with some symtoms that lasts for a month.

I'm working at a school and many of my co-workers gets the same kind of symptoms, some get tested positive for Cov-19, so I'm thinking to myself "I don't need to get tested this time, I know what it is since everyone else has it and have been tested."

Four weeks goes by. I still have some symtoms left, but only vague fatigue and a sore throat that comes and goes. And I'm a young person, and a very active one, -so despite my better judgements I go to a party. And the party's on a boat.

I'm a nervous drinker, so some partys make me more uncomfortable than others. And during those times I tend to drink more. I take sips so that I can gather my thoughts before I continue on with the conversation, and sometimes to avoid speaking altogether. This party was one of those. I was there because they've all been my friends for a long time, but due to unfortunate circumstances some couple's been broken off. And I used to date one person out of this particular crowd. All of this unfolded fairly recently and I wasn't exactly stoked about going to this party. But I went along, so I could be a support to my friend who's one of the people who got broken up with. We were gonna be there to show everyone that we still wanna be a part of the friendsgroup. Needless to say I got so drunk it's a miracle I could stand up. And that was the moment when I decided to jump into the ocean.

In the ocean I thought about how absurd this life is, and I thought about my mother. Then I got up (with the help from my friends). And regretted I ever jumped in.

The day after that was the worst hungover in my life. I was still on the boat. I puked all day. I had no more power in me, I really thought I was gonna die.

Some weeks goes by. And I'm exhausted, still feeling a sore throat every now and then. I go on like normal. I work. I see friends. I go out on Fridays (no benders). I play music on Sundays.

A friend came to visit me three weeks ago and we went out for beers. I drank five. And it was the same waltz as before. I got way too pissed drunk and I puked all night and all day after that.

For that last endeavour, I gained a bad case of gastric-catarrh. Not even being able to lay down when I sleep because of how acidic it feels. I got some medication for this.

Three weeks later. Today. It feels like my stomachs dead, like there's nothing moving inside of me. Like I'm broken. Like I broke something in my insides. I can barely go to the toilet.

And except for that I'm experiencing a lot of fatigue, I go to work but as I get home by 17:00, I immedately hit bed (and this has been the case for the majority of my days since September, only that the fatigue's been increasing with time). I am also experiencing a lot of derealization and depersonalizaton, since my stomach feels like it isn't moving.

It's hard to concentrate and just going to the store to buy food is a terrible ordeal. I have abstract thoughts that doesn't make any sense at all, that sometimes shows up in my speech so that other people notice it. I just can't make sense of the world like I used to, my reaction-system's just different, and much slower.

Sometimes it feels like my mind and my body are shutting down completely. And I'm not even reacting proportionately, i'm not even getting panic. I'm just so tired it feels like it's just happening and I have no say in it.

So there are days where I'm calling sick from work. I'm 25% off on sick-leave. Maybe that isn't enough. And maybe there's nothing that can make this better. I'm thinking about just going on about my days even though this is happening to me, because at least maybe someone will notice if I collapse.

It's scary, of course. But in many ways I brought this on myself, and there's no turning back the clocks. I made my own bed and now I'm laying in it.

But it really feels like, after all of these unfolding of events, that there could've been no other reality. And it feels like I got some kind of a curse. It feels like I shouldn't have made those prayers promising things I couldn't keep in the beginning.

Just writing this down for other people to see (in case something would happen), feels like a relief.

[bike42]

Tuesday September 5th

Up before 7am as breakfast was going to be served at 7:45am as Patricia’s “help,” her young neighbor boy was back in school. We had a more decent sized “Irish Breakfast,” with very yummy bacon.

Jeff is more congested and heading towards a full-on cold, so I was trying to get him to drink the echinacea tea I’d brought. We didn’t unpack much, but it was still a bit of a struggle zipping up the cases. Looking forward to three nights for the next stop so we can have more relaxed mornings.

It was a pretty decent night for a B&B. It was quiet, and the bed was comfortable but my pillow was like a cement bag. About midnight, I took off the pillow case and stuffed my puffy jacket inside - worked much better!

We waited for the bus to pick us up, and it did about 9:30am. We met our guide, Peter Crann, and driver Fionan Cronin. James and Kort were also on the bus and came out to greet us.

Then we were on the motorway heading northwest towards County Sligo.

After about an hour, we stopped at Coole Park. It is a beautiful park setting that had once been the grounds of a large manor, where many of the famous writers of Irish decent had hung out (there was a large old Tess that they’d all signed). We formed a circle and M&M performed their song “Sacred Ground,” which gave me goose bumps being in such a cool place in Ireland with this small group - what a great 10 days it’ll be! We did more in-depth introductions … some a little too rambly! It was good to hear more about our guide Peter’s background. Besides tour guide, he’s also a musician, primarily a drummer. He has guided many times with M&M and they seemed to have good chemistry which is really cool. Our driver, Fionan, has been driving for 16 years and has driven with M&M many times as well. His family owns the bus company. One couple, Janette and Gary, had just arrived this morning, and another couple, Glenn and Anne, had done the medieval buffet dinner at the Folk Park last night, so we just met them today.

We drove another hour or so, with Peter talking now and then about this history of Irish (Gaelic) language and some sites along the way. The scenery was very lush - green fields with cattle and sheep grazing, fences made of rock piles or hedges. We went through many small villages that actually remind me of rural Germany. Many houses looked a lot like the one I’d lived in when we lived in Kindsbach!

We stopped in Claremorris for 90 minutes on our own for lunch. Jeff and I went to a pharmacy where we bought Sudafed, nighttime cough syrup and a few COVID tests just to be sure. With Bill, we checked out a few pubs but didn’t find one that served food. We sat outside at a coffee shop where they had sandwiches and I had an amazing salad. Just as we got our food, Wayne and Sue came out of the pub across the street. They put in a quick order and we had lunch together, then went back across the street for a quick pint before heading back to the bus. The guys in the pub were a lot of fun, and seemed to enjoy having visitors to chat with.

We drove another 10 minutes for a quick stop in the village of Knock in County Mayo. In the 1870’s there was an apparition here that supposedly lasted for two hours and was witnessed by a variety of people. You hear of those now and then, but I’d never heard of building a shrine and massive development on the spot, but that’s what Knock is all about! The grounds were beautiful and it was an interesting spot. I’m open to believing it happened.

Another hour drive, through what felt like dozens of roundabouts (backwards to me). I’m not one to get car sick, but those get to you after awhile when you’re in the back of a bus!

We checked into the Sligo Park Hotel for three nights - nice spacious room. Queen bed to sleep in, and a twin bed on either side for our “stuff!” We had a couple hours to unpack and rest, and then gathered at 6:30pm for group dinner and music.

Dinner was nice, but I guess I was surprised to be having another nice dinner when I expected to be in a pub! We sat with Christa and Terry - retired music teachers from Grand Island, Nebraska. It’s their fourth trip to Ireland, their second with M&M.

We weren’t quite sure how our “special music” was going to happen, but after dinner they told us to go next door to a conference room in the hotel. There we met Cathy Jordan and Rick Epping. They were awaiting the third member of their group, “The Unwanted,” but eventually just started without him. Rick played the harmonica, the concertina (amazing tiny accordion-like thing) and the mouth harp. Cathie sang (incredible voice) and played the bodhran and a tenor guitar. They played a few songs and eventually the door burst open and their third member, Seamie O’Dowd, burst in and unpacked his guitar and fiddle and jumped right in mid-song. They played for over an hour and it was magical.

Jeff had gone back to the room to get our bottle of Jameson Crested, which we shared with Bill, Peter, M&M and a few others … drank half of it, but it was so right listening to Irish music drinking Irish whiskey! The night was like an out of body experience for me - the music just carried me away. M&M played one of their songs, and joined the trio on their last song (as did Peter on the bouhran). Fantastic night to end the first day of our trip.

Hoping JT gets a good nights sleep and feels better tomorrow!

More about The Unwanted:

https://compassrecords.com/artist/the-unwanted/#:~:text=The%20Unwanted%20is%20a%20group,that%20encircle%20the%20Atlantic%20Ocean

More about a cool project Peter and Cathy are working on https://www.crankieisland.com/

[boba-beom]

aw no )): how are you taking care of yourself now? drinking tea? resting? you don't have to if you don't want to, but i would suggest taking one or two paracetamols when you start to feel bad in the evening🥺 aww that's so nice omg i'm glad you had such a good time!!🥺❤️ any movies you recommend? well, the day after i flew in, my throat started hurting super bad, but i just thought it was because i slept together with my mom and her room is usually very cold due to the balcony she has. and then as my symptoms got worse with my nose getting stuffy and coughing, i ended up having a fever for three days straight as well and finally took a covid test a week after my symptoms appeared and turns out it was covid💀 i was sick with it for around 8 days and just felt extremely exhausted and dizzy, but luckily both of my parents were there to take care of me🥺 my sister also flew in eventually and it was just me being a devious little devil around her HAHAHAH i swear i love annoying her sometimes.

but yeah i did go to the market before flying home!! i had such an amazing time and ate a lot🥺 but yeah my sister said that i probably got covid from there and it only activated itself after i flew home :// it makes sense in a way because where i'm from covid is basically dead there's barely any cases maybe like 2-3 a day in total or none at all.

HAHAHAHA I FIND THAT SO FUNNY U JUST LOOKED AT TAEHYUN AND U WERE LIKE "yeah okay👀😳" AND THEN YOU SAW THE REST. NAH CAUSE I WAS NOT PREPARED EITHER I SWEAR THAT WAS SO UNEXPECTED 😳😳😳 i literally need life support now because of them. OMG YES I SAW THE NIGHTMARE CONCEPT PHOTOS ARE SOOO COOL!! i couldn't take my eyes of hueningkai and taehyun during those photos, that concept suited the both of them so well!! also pink haired tyun i love him sm🥺❤️ but hueningkai is really embodying this concept so well ahh he looks so good🥺❤️ BUT YEAH THE BACKGROUND OF THE PICS REALLY LOOKED LIKE PETER PAN'S LAYER IN NEVERLAND👀👀👀 i can't wait for the release😭😭 DID YOU SEE THE CLIP OMGGG IT'S SO COOL

SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY 😭 but yes I'm feeling much much better now compared than a couple of weeks ago. I only just started to feel better in the middle of last week. I continued taking paracetamols and attempted to sleep early lmao but the movies we watched!! we watched a lot of disney which were the camp rock movies, teen beach movie movies, sonny with a chance series, disenchanted omg I loved that one, but I will forever love enchanted a little bit more hehe

omg nooo at least you had your parents to look after you too! how are you feeling now? and it would make sense if you caught covid from the market since you're out in the cold it doesn't help if there were a lot of people too.

YES I DID SEE THE CLIP! honestly, I'm just super excited for this comeback already 😭 imma miss pink hair taehyun, from the tiktok preview of sugar rush ride his hair was blonde, so i'm assuming he may change his hair colour, and i'm hoping it's like a periwinkle blue OMG just the thought of blue-haired taehyun 🥹 though it could just be him topping up the pink again WE'LL SEE. as for the album preview, these songs are tickling my fancy as they're starting to enter my favourite genre and just starting to tip toe into hip hop(?), r&b(?), but nonetheless I'm super excited for their choreos!! how about you? what did you think of the album preview?

[carmengold]

goin against your mind

I am scrolling through an old playlist and I find a song I avoided for years. I put the song on and I lay my head back in my desk chair and I let myself think about it. I think about promising that part of myself away three years ago and then getting close to begging for it back two weeks ago. I think about what life was like, five years back, now, and I think about the minute moments as I listen to the same soulful dirge. Sometime in the intervening years, people my age caught onto the song. It ended up in some Marvel movie commercial, in some early 20's remix-style with supercuts of caped crusaders flashing in my face. Dirty work as a repetitive, jeering chant. Dirty work, on the couch I shared with my next partner. Dirty work, dream and nightmare rolled into one.

When it was time for you to go home, you'd start getting dressed, legs off the edge of the bed. I would curl around your back, this comforting presence in my otherwise empty room, too small for comfort, too big for solitude. I would press my face against your shoulder blades and squeeze my arms around you to keep you from leaving. Some nights you would come over and I would just sleep on you. You thought it was sweet that I cried when you played Colin Hay for me in that same room. It was sweet that you would pick me up and carry me from couch to bed when we were at your house. It is less sweet when I think about how few adults I had in my life, at that time. It is less sweet when I think about why things ended.

And, it wasn't sweetness when I called you. It was the bottom of the barrel. It was, it is Christmas, it is cold, it is dark, I am alone, I am driving and trying not to call you, I am driving past the Altria factory with the cigarette colossus, I am alone in the south, I am alone and all they are playing on the radio is the Eagles and lesser Bon Jovi. I have told myself that it is all right to feel alone, and it is, and I believe it, and yet, the bottom of the barrel has to hold up the rest of its contents.

So I turn around and I tell Siri to dial your number and let the dial tone vibrate against the pavement. I am convinced you won't pick up. I drive all the way to Fredericksburg and back. I wear the phone battery all the way down with you on speakerphone on my thigh so you can hear me better. I can hear most of what you say to me. I keep telling you about self-preservation, about how well I am trying to do in the face of how hard life is. I keep trying not to say, I think about you all the time, I want to come for you, and then I end up saying it all fucking anyway.

Somehow time passes. In the morning I drive home from the covid test, windows down in the cold. I listen to the song you told me I would listen to. You didn't order me to listen to it, or demand. The next day I am on the john and hunched over the bathroom wastebasket at the same time. I am sick for two days while I fumble through regret. I tell myself to remember how this made me feel. Four days later you email me. I am on the west coast and somehow it's colder there. I am glad it's only 9pm where I am because otherwise your email would have been the first thing I read in the calendar year. I am choosing to remember otherwise.

I tell you I miss the parts that are safe for me to admit. I do not tell you about missing the parts that I never had, even with you. I tell you that you did in fact ruin me for other men which was your aim. I do not tell you that men ruin themselves and that that includes you. I tell you about the night that I was terrified I would die, and that that was what made me leave. I do not tell you I was terrified that you'd killed me.

Compulsion is an itch inside my palm and the same effect on my consciousness as a strong smell. It's not unlike when I get the urge to drink. Compulsion forgets all the bad and lilts in on the lips and the hips of the good. If I think about something else for long enough it goes away, but like anything else, it has the ability to boomerang back into my awareness with something as simple as a thought. You can come rushing back with something as simple as a song.