#'what if people took seinfeld seriously!!!' look i'm not into seinfeld personally

[irregularbillcipher]

i think it's really funny when people are like "i can't take this show seriously i think it's so funny that this show has a fandom. it's like if people started shipping simpsons characters or wrote video essays about bart" or otherwise use the simpsons as an example of a show that Obviously People Don't Take Seriously. like what are you talking about. go on nohomers for three seconds to realize how insane people are about the simpsons

[lovelyamneris]

“Look at us, just two innocent people doing innocent things!” - Jerry & Elaine (it can be platonic, romantic or whatever - I don't mind, I'm just sad there's so little Seinfeld fic 🥺)

Thank you! I hope you like this. Nervous about it, but when am I not. Let me know how you like it anon <3 <3 <3

AO3 Link

If anybody wants to send more characters + fandoms + sentence prompts you’re more than welcome to. thanks! 💗 💗

Elaine liked the comedy club. She honestly did. She’d go to watch Jerry’s act, which occasionally could be rather funny, because she’d much rather be out spending her night getting free entertainment from her friend than sitting at home and doing nothing. Really, who needs more nothing anyway?

Elaine was leaning up against the bar post show, drinking some fruit flavored cocktail, and trying to forget how absolutely bored she currently was. Jerry was way more cocky than usual that night, very up on himself like he was some big hot shot funny guy in a fancy red suit, and Elaine was left by herself to fend off random comedians approaching her and trying to make her laugh with some lame joke. If she had to put up with Jerry’s lame jokes all day, she was not trying to deal with it from anyone else. One comedian friend was enough, she thought.

Jerry was standing further down the stretch of the bar counter, flirting with some pretty fan with a M name like Mandy or Monica, acting as if he hadn’t already agreed to share a taxi home with Elaine. She rolled her eyes and spun her straw around in her glass.

She was shamelessly eavesdropping at this point. Jerry made some lame joke about bar etiquette and the fan laughed. But, Elaine was about seventy percent sure it was a pity laugh at best.

God, she was just so bored.

Elaine would’ve even settled for George right about then. He could ramble on and on about whatever minor inconveniences that Susan was causing him that week and she'd just suck it up and listen. Or even better, one of the performers could trip and fall off the stage. That would be hilarious and definitely would’ve made her entire night. Elaine grinned just thinking about it. But the next show wasn’t starting for another half hour so that sadly wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.

A couple minutes passed and at this point she was not only bored out of her mind, but a bit tipsy as well. She watched uninterested as performers and fans filtered in and out of the club. 

That’s when she noticed a familiar face over by one of the tables on the opposite side of the room. It was one of her co-workers, a tall way too handsome curly haired blonde who Elaine couldn’t stand. One time he offhandedly mentioned that he had a pet fish and of course Elaine wanted to see it. Elaine loved fish. She loved their cute little glassy eyes and their colorful scaly skin. And this dude took terrible care of his goldfish! It was awful. They deserved an aquarium or big tank or at least a proper Easter Island Head to swim in. But his fish had none of that! It was an outrage. Elaine certainly thought so.

She took another sip of her cocktail and made up her mind. She was going to steal his keys and then use them to break into his office. Then she'd steal his fish to give them a better home. And she needed Jerry’s help. Maybe that was the alcohol speaking but maybe not. Either way, she going to do it. 

Elaine, determined, made her way down the bar to get Jerry’s attention. 

“Jerry.” Elaine said, putting herself right beside him and the fan. Jerry tried his best to ignore her, still flirting with Mandy or Monica or whatever her name was, “Jerry. Jerry. Jerry.”

The fan gave Elaine a look, like she was a crazy person or something, and then narrowed her eyes at Jerry, “I think she wants your attention.”

Jerry waved her off, smiling his big funny guy smile, “She’s just a stalker. Crazy escaped mental patient. Just ignore her.”

Elaine groaned, briefly looking back to make sure her blonde unfairly handsome co-worker was still there, “Can I please borrow my husband for a moment.”

The pretty fan with the M name scoffed and gave Jerry a dirty look, “Go for it. I'm leaving."

“Wait! It’s not what you think—” Jerry tried, eventually sighing in defeat as Mandy or Monica or whoever takes off. “What was that for! She was into me!”

His voice was all high-pitched and upset but Elaine could tell he wasn’t upset at all. It must’ve been something about the way he always smirked through everything he said, even when he had every right to be annoyed, like he was just waiting to break out into laughter. Elaine was pretty sure she could shoot him point blank and he’d be on the brink of laughter through his dying breaths.

“Relax.” Elaine said smoothly, “She wasn’t into you.”

“She was sending signals!” Jerry exclaimed and Elaine scoffed. Jerry looked pretty funny in his suit. Elaine was sure that it must’ve been some comedian trick to make the fans laugh. You know, the fact that he already looked goofy before he even started telling the jokes. Jerry continued, “She was definitely into me.”

They were standing across from each other now, illuminated by the bright bar lights and surrounded by the laughter and loud chatter from the room post show. Elaine was also pretty flushed from the booze in her fruit flavored cocktail and she noticed that Jerry was still high from the crowd's laughter. It really did something for his confidence didn't it? 

“Oh please, there were no signals. I would’ve sensed signals.” Elaine said, looking up at him and brushing it off. She pushed her cocktail across the counter towards him, “Do you want this? I’m cutting myself off.”

Elaine knew signals. She was constantly sending signals. If Mandy or Monica or whoever was sending signals, then she’d know. Oh, she’d know. And she’d support Jerry, of course she would!

“She wasn’t sending them to you. You wouldn’t have heard them.” Jerry pushed her drink back towards her, “And I don’t want this.”

“Jerry I’m a woman.” Elaine said seriously, like explaining something to somebody stupid, “If she was sending signals, I would’ve picked up on them. Before you even.” She pushed her drink back towards him, “I don’t want it either.”

Jerry sighed in defeat, “Well, you have my attention.” He gave in and was drinking her fruit flavored cocktail now. It actually wasn’t half bad? Jerry considers that the fruit flavored alcoholic beverages are objectively better, but men are to afraid to admit it for fear of being judged. Considering that, he was craving a Shirley Temple.

“Good.” Elaine said, smiling all big back at him. And honestly, the smile was a little suspicious too. She nodded her head towards the opposite side of the room, “I need you to go distract that guy over there.”

Jerry very conspicuously looked across the room. Elaine’s co-worker was talking to one of the other comedians. Jerry made a face, “Distract him? Who do you think I am?”

“Come on Jerry, please.” Elaine practically begged. She needed to save those poor little fish! She was determined! “Just do your comedy bit on him. Ask him about the airplane food.”

“Hey, that’s a stereotype.” Airplane food? Please. But then again, what was the deal with airplane food? “I’m not a preforming monkey Elaine. I can’t just go into material on cue.”

On stage they were getting ready for the next comedian to start his bit. The staff was adjusting the microphone to accommodate someone not as unnaturally tall and lanky as Jerry. In the back of Elaine’s mind she was subconsciously begging for somebody to trip and fall. 

“Please.” Elaine tried, not breaking eye contact with him. 

“No.”

“For me?”  

“That shtick doesn’t work on me anymore.” Jerry declared, “Maybe when we were dating. But I’m not falling for it! I have willpower.”

Elaine scoffed, because yeah right!, and gave him the best pouty begging look she could manage, “Jer--ry.”

Willpower. Willpower!

“Fine.” Jerry conceded begrudgingly, “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”  Elaine grinned again, crossing her arms accomplished. “Thank you!”

Jerry made his way over to Elaine’s coworker, the unnaturally attractive bad fish owner, trying to think of a way to distract that guy. He waved her off, “Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.”

Later as they were standing outside the comedy club, close to midnight, Jerry gave Elaine a suspicious look. They were standing by a stop sign, on the edge of the sidewalk waiting for a taxi, and Elaine had her hands shoved in her jacket pockets all suspiciously. She was looking at him with a big grin on her face, very pleased with herself, just waiting for him to ask what she did so she could fill him in on the undoubtedly wild shenanigans. Nobody just asks you to distract somebody if something isn't going down, Jerry thought. You only distract people in schemes and movies. 

“Okay what was that?” Jerry asked, very curious. They were standing very close together, practically inches apart beneath the stop sign, as the sidewalk was busy with fans leaving the comedy club and New Yorker's having late night adventures. 

“What was what?” Elaine asked innocently, still smiling all big and proud of herself, knowing exactly what he meant by that.

“Elaine.” 

“Fine. I stole his keys." Elaine pulled the keychain out of her pocket and held them out, "See.”

“Any particular reason? Or have you just decided to start up a life of crime?” 

“Hey, you distracted him, Jerry. That makes you,” She points up at him, “An accomplice.” 

“You’re right.” He agrees, “Look at us, just two innocent people doing innocent things.”

Elaine smiled even bigger at that, if that was even possible. Cars flashed by them, casting shadows, and they were looking at each other now, in the familiar way that neither of them could ever figure out. There definitely was something there, a feeling maybe? It probably didn't matter. 

“Okay, come on.” Elaine said, breaking them out of whatever moment they may or may not have been having, spotting a taxi somewhere in the late night traffic. She waved down the taxi driver, stepping slightly off the curb. “We have to break into his office and steal his goldfish.” 

This was definitely going to end in chaos.