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davidthetraveler · 4 years

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David’s Fic-Rec Friday: 2020/02/14

Hey guys. Happy Valentines Day! I hope you’re spending it with some love, and I don’t just mean a loving romantic partner. After all, all love is wonderful. And to help celebrate that, I have a number of fics to demonstrate that (and two that don’t because I don’t ever actually have a plan for how these fics get picked except for why I do this in the first place, so whatever). Anyway, let’s get going.

Little Moments by DragonSaphiraReads (aka @dragonsaphirareads)

Starting off with some fluffy romantic love featuring the sunshine gays. Patton is happily cooking dinner when his fiance Roman arrives home from work. They embrace and love on each other, Patton finishes up dinner, and the two eat and watch some movies while cuddling in the living room. There is a slight bit of insecurity near the end, but other than that it’s pure domestic bliss.

Deceitber Day One- Stolen Hat by Kaytikitty (aka @kaytikitty)

One of the entries this week that doesn’t follow the theme of the holiday, this one is a short but interesting look at what Deceit was doing during the recent Sanders Asides video. Simple but fun, and rather well written, it’s definitely worth a look.

Little Android by CombineTheKitchens (aka @combine-the-kitchens)

While not really long enough to be a slow burn, though it is rather longer than the usual works that make these lists, this one feels like it with how long it takes for the deuteragonist to warm up to the protagonist in universe. This story features young robotics genius Logan wanting to make for himself a companion. Thus he builds himself an android, who asks him to call him Patton. Patton quickly takes over the domestic chores of Logan’s house with a song in his heart and a spring in his step, much to Logan’s chagrin.

But time works wonders on Logan, who finds himself enjoying the new domesticity his home has between himself, Patton, his talking cat robot Virgil, and regular visits from his twin older brothers Roman and Remus. But there’s trouble afoot when the public learns about Patton’s existence, and one particularly unscrupulous person kidnaps him as his own personal robot slave. But Patton just has to remain hopeful that his friend and creator (and maybe partner) Logan will come get him.

This story is quite adorable in some places, but also very dark in others. Logan starts off rather Unsympathetic at the beginning, but he does get better. It also features gun violence and the death of a minor character, as well as forced servitude and implied child abuse. And as mentioned previous it features Remus and Deceit in supporting sympathetic roles (the former as an forementioned older brother and the latter as an abused child in the care of Patton’s kidnapper).

But overall it’s not too bad and definitely worth a read.

Stuck by AuthorAlex97 (aka @youtuberswithalex)

The other entry on this list that doesn’t really focus on love, this one sees Roman trying to go on a short quest before dinner, only to end up stuck in the exit hole of a very narrow tunnel in the mountains of the imagination. Virgil eventually comes looking for him on Patton’s behest, but can’t pull him out without going back to get some help from Logan after Roman begs him not to tell Patton. Hilarious antics and frustrated and ruffled Princey for the win.

So Silly by Plagg (Tumblr Account Unknown)

So here’s a great example of some platonic love. Here, Roman and Virgil end up getting into a silly wrestling match over use of the common room. Virgil was already in there relaxing when Roman came in, spooked him by standing over him, and then wanted to watch TV. Patton briefly checks in to make sure they’re behaving, but really they’re just being silly. Simple but cute and all in the best ways.

A Suit and Some String by [An Orphaned Account] (formerly known as @paranoid-purple-plaid-patches)

Now for some familial brotherly love, but not from who you’d expect. Here, Logan is exasperated at his spider-powers-gifted brother Patton, especially when he starts talking about Responsibility. But as annoyed as he is at his brother’s need to use his powers for The Greater Good, he still loves him and promises to do what he can to help him in this endeavor, especially realizing just how unprepared Patton actually is to do this hero thing.

So far I haven’t been able to find this author. All of the accounts formerly associated with them seem to have been deactivated or abandoned. If any of you might know where I could find them, or at least might know what has become of them, I’d really appreciate any leads you can offer.

Self Discovery: A Guide By Logan Sanders by Clockwork_Dragon (aka @clockwork-dragon7 )

Now for some celebration of not only self-love but also Aromantic validation. Here, Logan finds himself questioning his personal orientation after the Alone on Valentines Day video. In particular, he’s confused because he recognizes that he doesn’t feel romantic attraction, but all of his research also indicates he should also be asexual, which he is not. Luckily for him, Anxiety is there to help answer his questions and get him to understand and accept himself for who he is. Like I said, all kinds of love are important.

The Hoodie by SandersFander1820 (aka @sandersfander1820)

Set immediately after Moving On Part 2, this celebration of reconciliatory love sees Patton going gaga over his new hoodie present from Logan, and showering him with some love in return. And if that’s the sort of response Logan can expect when he gets Patton a truly heartfelt gift, he may just have to start doing stuff like that more often. Short but wonderfully sweet, this is an excellent way to end our list.

*****

Now, for this week’s Featured Famder Fic Writer, I’ve got someone who we all basically know and love, but it never hurts to remind everyone of just how amazing she is. This week’s featured writer is:

AValorousChoice (aka @a-valorous-choice)

The amazing author behind the renowned Home series (that is, To Build a Home and To Make a Home) and her latest project The Hardest Act to Follow. I’ve been following along with her since she first started posting TBAH, and she is truly deserving of all the praise and support she gets. So please, everyone, go show her how much you love her, and her work.

*****

Welp, that’s it for this week. Be sure to give all these stories and their authors some love and affection with some nice kudos, some sweet comments, and maybe even a loving bookmark or two.

Also, if you’d like to know more about my Fic-Rec Friday program, or if you’d like to see previous weeks’ recommendations, you can find all of that on my Fic-Rec Friday Masterpost. And if you’d like to be added to my Fic-Rec Friday tag list, or if you’re on said list and would like to be removed, just give me a shout and I’ll take care of it.

In any case, Happy Valentine’s Day, have a great weekend, and happy reading!

General Tag List:

@ultimate-queen-of-fandoms2 @panicattheeverywheremcr

Fic-Rec Friday Tag List:

@kunnuglegur-tortimandi @max-is-tired

#Violence Mention TW #Death Mention TW #Remus Mention TW #Deceit Mention TW #Abuse Mention TW #David's Fic-Rec Friday

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neshabeingchildish · 5 years

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This Means War 02

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13337635/2/This-Means-War

@max-thunderman @adorkable-blackgirl @chenoahchantel Okay. I’m finna go to sleep for the day. Work tonight. Y’all know how I do. I’m just posting the ff.net link, because usually, Tumblr is giving me the blues when I try to update from my phone.

It’s a Date

Charlotte anxiously watched Henry step into the store and try to figure out which Joss was Joss. He didn’t realize that he’d have to do that. Jasper was laughing, “Oh, Man. She could be ANY of them!”

“She’s the one near the tree,” Charlotte said.

“How do you know?”

“Because that’s the only one looking at him. That’s the only one who recognizes him.” Jasper nodded. “I’m curious as to what she’s doing here. How did she know where he works? What does she even want with him?”

“I don’t know… But, maybe I should go help him out?”

She sighed and asked, “Jasper, do you want to try to go snag yourself a lookalike because somehow in your mind that’ll mean that you are dating Joss Moss?”

He scoffed, “No!” But, it was obviously yes. He rushed to the elevator and Charlotte followed. “Are you gonna get yourself a Joss Moss, too?”

“No. I’m gonna watch her, because there are two idiots representing us in a room full of pretty girls.” They got off of the elevator and split. Jasper went to ask Joss if she needed help finding anything and Charlotte casually watched, out of sight.

“No. I’m just enjoying the view,” Joss said, still looking at Henry, speak now to the 5th decoy and groan in frustration.

Jasper called, “Henry! Look who it is! Joss Moss!!” He pointed down at her head. She smiled tightly at him as Henry approached.

He smiled and nodded, “It IS you!”

She smiled back, “And there you are.”

“What are you doing here? We don’t really get high class clientele in this place.”

Now, she stepped closer to him and flirtatiously said, “You made the mistake of telling me your whole name, and I realized that Piper Hart is your sister. I wanted to see if you were as… cute… in everyday life as you were crashing my party, dressed as a cute waiter. She did me a solid and told me where you work. She told me that you’d be a big mistake. She must not know, I like it when a guy is bad news.”

Henry smiled, “I’m the worst news.”

Charlotte sucked her teeth and Joss turned to glance at her. She ducked, but Joss could see her hair. Not to mention, Jasper was still standing extremely close to the two of them. “Uhm… You and your coworkers close?”

“Best friends!” Jasper cheered. She smiled awkwardly as he reached out for Charlotte, and forced her over by the arm. She smiled tightly and tried not to make eye contact.

Upon seeing Charlotte, Joss gasped and pointed between the two of them, “I know you. You’re the couple that stole my Gherkin bag.”

Jasper extended his hand and said, “We’re Jasper and Charlotte, Henry’s friends..” And his words drowned out Charlotte’s, “We’re not a couple.”

Joss looked at Jasper’s hand, but definitely didn’t shake it. “Henry… You’re friends with thieves.”

“Well, you know, when you steal from a…”

“PERSON!” Charlotte interrupted Jasper, “Whatever wrongs you do come back on you. So… If we were thieves, karma will handle our kneecaps.” She laughed uncomfortably.

Henry offered, “Besides, I saw a guy leave with way more than a Gherkin bag. He left with like four gift bags and a few boxes. So, if anybody’s kneecaps need some work, it's that guy’s…” As though on cue, Ray walked into the store with Katelyn in the stolen dog carrier, still sporting the diamond tennis bracelet on his wrist..

Joss looked at Henry and wondered, “What is this? A ring of petty thieves or something?”

Henry laughed nervously. “Hwat? Pssshht. Nope. We’re good guys.”

Ray walked up to them bragging, “Hey! Guess what I did - conned a sweet old lady out of her dog’s spot on the doggie retreat waiting list. Katelyn’s about to be living like a Real Dog-Housewife of Swellview!” He gave Katelyn kisses.

“Did he steal the dog, too?” Joss asked.

Ray threw her a look, then laughed and said, “As a matter of fact, I DID! Man, I’ve stolen a lot of stuff!” He casually walked towards the elevator and his three employees were quiet for a while.

“We’ll… the three of us are good guys. He’s…” Henry eventually broke the silence, but Joss lifted a hand and shook her head.

“I’m getting it all replaced, anyway. But, if this happens again, I may have to take action.” Charlotte winced, thinking about her kneecaps. “Legal action, that is. It’s a crime to steal from someone.”

Jasper argued, “Not from a crim…”

Charlotte covered his mouth tightly with her hand, “From the creme de la creme! Or, at least it shouldn’t be. I mean, you’re loaded. We work in a junk shop… Not saying that we did steal anything. But, if we had, there’s karma and also, we allegedly stole from the richest kid in Swellview.”

“I looked right at both of your faces. I know that it was you.”

“Well, it was nice to see you. We have to go back to work…” She backed away, pulling Jasper with her, vowing not to uncover his mouth until they were a distance away from the mobster’s child. He was struggling to free himself. He really wanted at one of those lookalikes, but Charlotte shushed him and let go of his mouth when they were both out of sight again, but within hearing distance of Henry and Joss.

“They’re a cute couple, but the stealing concerns me.”

“Well… I told you that I’m bad news,” he said, smiling and hoping she would let it rest. If Charlotte and Jasper got targeted by the mob, that’d be… quite unfortunate.

Joss smiled, “I can dig it. So, you should let me take you to dinner and a movie, or something. I hope you don’t mind a girl treating you.”

“As long as she’s treating me goooood.”

She squinted her eyes and wrinkled her nose as she smiled, “Why do you so frequently say things so oddly? I like it. Never change. So, Saturday, I’ll have my car pick you up at home, around 6:00 pm.” She opened a clack fan and at that sound, all of her decoys regrouped around her and they left the store, each commenting about how cute Henry was. One said, “I thought the other one was pretty cute!” Jasper wailed towards the skies and Charlotte elbowed him out of her way to go to Henry.

“That was weird.”

“Yeah! The last time I got wooed by a rich girl was never.”

Charlotte shook her head and said, “No… It was weird that Joss is walking about town with those decoys, like her dad. It’s weird that she sought you out and came here. It’s weird that she recognized me and Jasper from the party. All of it was weird. The only part that wasn’t was her asking you out.”

“Really?”

“I mean, the two of you KEPT flirting at her party,” Charlotte commented, “But, I don’t like the thought of her knowing your name, where you work and live. She’s the daughter of a criminal, Henry. You have to be careful. If she were to find out who you are, that could be awful.”

He and Jasper began to laugh and imitate her. “Yeah, Charlotte. It’d be awful if anyone found that out. That’s why we always try to hide it.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “I’m going back downstairs and doing some research, for whenever this blows up in your face for you being cocky and unprepared.”

The three headed back to the Man Cave and now, Ray and Katelyn were in matching sweaters that he bought with one of the stolen gift cards. Charlotte paused at them, but then shook her head and decided that she didn’t want to know. She sat down and began pulling up everything that she could find on Joss, Rob, her mother, their businesses, allegations, court documents, and anything else a vast search came up with.

“This looks familiar,” Henry said. “Oh yeah, you did this to that one girl that Jasper dated that time.”

“No. This is much more extensive than that search.”

“Is that necessary? One of those girls tried to kill you, and one let you off the hook for stealing a very expensive bag from her…”

“Did you know that everything that he had was switched over to her immediately following his arrest? She owns all of the Moss fortune and only has a small team of advisors to assist her with the day to day dealings until she turns 18. She. Is. Now. In. Charge…” She was looking at the screens pretty deeply whenever he made a high pitched sound, like he wanted to say something, but also didn’t want to. “What do you mean?” She imitated the sound.

“Well… I kinda saw something that maybe looked like she was maybe taking over… the night of the party…”

Charlotte turned around in the chair, “WHAT? And you didn’t tell us anything? AND you decided to go on a date with her???”

“I wanted another kiss, if I’m being honest…”

“YOU KISSED HER???”

“She kissed me! Only on the cheek, but that’s because we’d only have one night…”

Charlotte turned back around, annoyed and shook her head, “I don’t think that you realize how dangerous this family is! Her dad was so slippery that he continued his business for over 30 years without anything ever being linked to him! If you think that for one moment that he never shared a single thing with his only child, you’re thinking with the wrong head.”

“Jasper’s head?” He asked, in all seriousness.

“You might as well be!” She snapped. Then called out, “Ray! Please tell Henry that there’s no way that he can actually date Joss Moss!”

Ray sat Katelyn down and came over, wondering, “What seems to be the nature of this quarrel?”

“It’s not a quarrel. I have a hot date and Charlotte doesn’t want me to have nice things.”

“He has a date with Joss Moss, daughter of Mob Boss Rob Moss!”

Ray smiled, then stopped, “Wait. That was her up in the store, wasn’t it? Think she noticed that I stole her stuff?” Henry made a high pitched “well” noise, but Ray ignored it, “Nah! I handled it expertly. But, what seems to be the problem with it, Charlotte?”

“The two of you just put her father away for good. What if she finds something out?”

“I think Henry is good at keeping his affairs in order. I’ve learned to trust him, with even the stupidest decisions. He’ll make it work.”

Charlotte sighed and shook her head, staring at the teen queen on the screen. “It’s not Henry that I’m worried about not trusting…”

#This Means War #Mob Boss Joss Moss #henry danger #hd fanfic #Nesha HD Fics #ffnet

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positivepsychologyinterventions · 5 years

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Podcast: A Bipolar and a Schizophrenic Talk Self-Sabotage

Most of us are to blame for our failures, believe it or not. We didn’t practice enough, plan ahead, or work hard enough. If we are honest, we could have done more to succeed, but something stopped us. In this episode, our hosts discuss why people sabotage their own success and fess up to whether or not they are sabotaging their own.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

“People would rather fail because they didn’t try rather than fail because they weren’t good enough.” – Gabe Howard

Highlights From ‘Self-Sabotage’ Episode

[2:00] Do we sabotage ourselves?

[3:00] Some reasons for self-sabotage.

[6:30] Private rejection vs. public rejection.

[11:30] Failure and self-sabotage.

[17:30] As is our way, our mothers come up.

[19:00] Working hard and yet not succeeding.

[20:00] How do you stop self-sabotaging?

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘A Bipolar and a Schizophrenic Talk Self-Sabotage’ Show

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator: [00:00:09] For reasons that utterly escapes everyone involved. You’re listening to a Bipolar, A Schizophrenic and A Podcast. Here are your hosts Gabe Howard and Michelle Hammer.

Gabe: [00:00:21] Welcome to A Bipolar, A Schizophrenic, And A Podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and I’m bipolar.

Michelle: [00:00:23] I’m Michelle Hammer and I’m schizophrenic.

Gabe: [00:00:26] And together we have a podcast.

Michelle: [00:00:27] That’s right we do it’s such a good one I love it so much.

Gabe: [00:00:31] I think that it is the very best podcast for mentally ill people by mentally ill people.

Michelle: [00:00:36] Me too I agree with that completely wholeheartedly.

Gabe: [00:00:38] I can’t really think of another one but I’ve noticed that since our podcast started to get popular people started showing up and saying “well I’m mentally ill and my podcast is for mentally ill people.”

Gabe: [00:00:49] And but I don’t think that’s true I think that they do live with mental illness, but I think they just had a podcast and hoped to gain an audience. Whereas we were like yes we need to create content for our community.

Michelle: [00:01:02] Our community is just underserved.

Gabe: [00:01:04] It is it’s incredibly under served. This is what I love about podcasting because it’s like such a niche thing. You know the mental health community and people who live with mental illness we are small which is good because you know thank god like everybody is not living with mental illness that would be terrible. So you know we’re never gonna be like on NBC at 8 o’clock. I mean that that’s where you get programming that appeals to like the mass markets and mass audience. So the nice thing about podcasts is we can have that little niche market. I mean some mentally ill people targeting a small group and that’s that’s why we exist. But it is sad because really we should be like super famous.

Michelle: [00:01:43] Oh yeah totally. If on self-sabotage it.

Gabe: [00:01:47] Exactly. And we have done this to ourselves with this very show on numerous occasions.

Gabe: [00:01:54] Many many many many many. Remember the time that you quit the show because you refused to talk to me for like an entire day.

Michelle: [00:02:02] When did that happen?

Gabe: [00:02:04] It happened you know like several months ago when we were at Olive Garden. You were just like I’m not making eye contact. I hope you die.

Michelle: [00:02:11] Yeah yeah I can remember that.

Gabe: [00:02:12] It was but it was incredibly awkward and we were talking about ways to make the podcast better and you got all all all all what did you get.

Michelle: [00:02:22] Quiet.

Gabe: [00:02:20] I believe but hurt is the term we’re looking for.

Michelle: [00:02:25] If you insist because you were being a dick.

Gabe: [00:02:27] How?

Michelle: [00:02:26] You said yeah this sucks and that sucks and you suck and everything’s OK.

Gabe: [00:02:34] Really. I said you suck.

Michelle: [00:02:35] Pretty much.

Gabe: [00:02:38] Ah and there is the key word when it comes to self-sabotaging behavior. It’s when we believe things to be true because they’re basically true like what you just said Michelle. You basically said you suck.

Michelle: [00:02:51] That’s not self-sabotaging behavior.

Gabe: [00:02:51] But did I actually say you suck?

Michelle: [00:02:59] Pretty much.

Gabe: [00:02:59] No not pretty much. Did the words “Michelle Hammer sucks” comes out of Gabe’s mouth.

Michelle: [00:03:05] Yes.

Gabe: [00:03:05] Liar liar liar. Now you know I’m gonna quit on the air.

Gabe: [00:03:10] Fine I resign in protest.

Narrator: [00:03:12] You’ve been listening to a schizophrenic and a podcast.

Michelle: [00:03:15] Number one reason number one for self-sabotage is when you feel like you don’t deserve to be successful. Have you ever felt like you don’t deserve to be successful? Oh, you’re gonna sit there Gabe. You just sit there and not even say anything.

Gabe: [00:03:31] You fired me.

Gabe: [00:03:33] The only reason I’m here is because we’re in my house.

Michelle: [00:03:35] Well do you see that I self sabotage this podcast.

Gabe: [00:03:42] I don’t think that your self sabotaging the podcast. I think you’re self-sabotaging yourself. Because as you pointed out in number one I think you are afraid of success.

Michelle: [00:03:51] You think so.

Gabe: [00:03:52] Yes.

Michelle: [00:03:54] Well it’s very interesting to point out because it seems like one of the biggest things about self-sabotage is the fear of trying one’s best and not succeeding.

Gabe: [00:04:04] Do you feel that you try your best.

Michelle: [00:04:07] Yes.

Gabe: [00:04:07] And when you try your best do you feel that you always succeed.

Michelle: [00:04:10] No.

Gabe: [00:04:11] And are you okay with that.

Michelle: [00:04:13] I mean it’s frustrating.

Gabe: [00:04:14] Well sure nobody said it can’t be frustrating.

Gabe: [00:04:17] I think a lot of people don’t think that they’re self-sabotaging because they think oh they’re protecting themselves or they’re giving it enough effort to work. But really self-sabotage behavior is kind of twofold. It’s one not giving something 110 percent because you think oh what’s the point it’s just going to fail anyway. And two when you get close to that success it’s also doing things like showing up late, or showing up unprepared, or to use a sports analogy, going out late the night before and eating a bunch of pizza.

Michelle: [00:04:48] I would agree with that.

Gabe: [00:04:49] Have you ever done that like before a lacrosse game like just gone out like drinking the night before.

Michelle: [00:04:54] No. We had rules.

Gabe: [00:04:55] Well but disobeying those rules would be a way of sabotaging yourself. You’d be sabotaging your success and then if you lose you can say oh I’m still the best lacrosse player. The only reason I lost is because I was drunk.

Michelle: [00:05:06] That would be really really ridiculous. And my whole team would be really really mad at me I wouldn’t do that.

Gabe: [00:05:12] So you care when your team is mad at you when you’re working on a project. Like, say a lacrosse game or a podcast.

Michelle: [00:05:20] Mm hmm. Another one. I was thinking about self-sabotage which I noticed that I did do was I looking up and said: “once in a while we self-sabotage simply to push buttons.” “We pick a fight and we incite drama to get a rush.” I would pick so many fights with my coach, so many fights. It was ridiculous. She once said to me “that she wished that I was bad at lacrosse so she could just cut me from the team.”

Gabe: [00:05:49] So you’re saying that when you respect somebody and look up to them you push their buttons so that a fight can ensue and you can not talk to them at Olive Garden.

Michelle: [00:05:58] Apparently.

Gabe: [00:06:01] That’s what I’m hearing.

Michelle: [00:06:02] I don’t know how you’re hearing that. How did we get to Olive Garden?

Gabe: [00:06:05] I guess you hurt my feelings.

Michelle: [00:06:06] You are my feelings.

Gabe: [00:06:07] You hurt my feelings.

Gabe: [00:06:08] My feelings were the most hurt.

Michelle: [00:06:10] My feelings were more hurt. Why do you think I wasn’t talking to you.

Michelle: [00:06:14] Back to self-sabotage. “It feels better to control your own failure. Then to let it blindside you.” So are you used to rejection?

Gabe: [00:06:26] I’m not. Every time I get rejected it hurts. Now I have developed some coping skills. Let’s talk about the difference between our reactions publicly and our reactions privately. And here’s why I want to touch on this. I don’t handle rejection well when people reject me. It really hurts my feelings and I get upset. I eat ice cream. I refuse to leave the house for a day. I get really really sad. My feelings get hurt. All of those things are true every single time I’ve ever lost an award a contest a contract. Anytime somebody went with a different speaker over me or a sponsor didn’t re-up whatever. I get hurt almost every single time.

Gabe: [00:07:07] But I handle it privately.

Gabe: [00:07:09] You know all joking aside to everybody Michelle was actually really good at this because I’ll wright Michelle and I’ll be like Oh my God our stats dropped and Michelle’s like “oh well we’ll get them next week” and then I don’t post on Facebook oh everybody hates us our stats dropped. And I think that’s what’s important to understand. I think that all of us are probably kind of prone to beat ourselves up privately. What I want to talk about are the people that do it publicly. We all know those people that every single time they fail or get rejected they just smear it everywhere. It’s all over social media. It’s all they talk about when you get together. They call up people and yell at them. They pick fights with their boyfriends and girlfriends just they can just never be happy because of a single rejection.

Gabe: [00:07:50] And they do it publicly. And I personally think it makes them look stupid.

Michelle: [00:07:54] I mean, I cannot stand passive aggressive Facebook statuses.

Gabe: [00:08:02] Like give me an example of one.

Michelle: [00:08:04] “One day somebody will care about me as much as I care about them.”

Gabe: [00:08:13] That’s a big one.

Michelle: [00:08:14] Yeah and obviously directed towards a person.

Gabe: [00:08:18] Yeah. That is an excellent point.

Gabe: [00:08:21] The other one is, “if you don’t see my value you’ll see me walk away.”

Michelle: [00:08:25] Or there’s the classic “don’t make someone a priority when you are just some afterthought” an afterthought or whatever it is.

Gabe: [00:08:35] Yeah it’s true.

Gabe: [00:08:36] I have seen all of these Facebook statuses on your Facebook wall.

Michelle: [00:08:39] I have never once posted a Facebook status like that.

Gabe: [00:08:43] I completely agree. You have not.

Gabe: [00:08:45] And I respect that about you and that is the thing that is really that is the professional part of our relationship as we do talk a lot about things that go on behind the scenes. But you know the olive garden thing happened literally months ago and we’re talking about it now in jest and to be funny and because it did happen and because the show relies on like real stories of our lives and problems that we have had. But I’d like to point out that the whole time that you refused to make eye contact or speak with me you weren’t like on Facebook like if he doesn’t realize that I’m half of this podcast that he can suck it.

Michelle: [00:09:20] Exactly.

Gabe: [00:09:22] Everybody would like I wonder who that’s geared at. Let’s see if she has one podcast. One co-host might be Gabe.

Michelle: [00:09:27] Might be who could she be talking about. This ginger haired man is a ginger-haired man.

Gabe: [00:09:38] Wow.

Michelle: [00:09:39] This Ginger head man being mean to me right now and I don’t like him a lot.

Gabe: [00:09:42] You know it’s mean to make fun of somebody’s physical characteristics. Big Nose.

Gabe: [00:09:49] I would never do something like that. Frizzy hair.

Gabe: [00:09:54] We’re gonna step away to hear from our sponsor and hopefully when we come back we’ll get back on track.

Narrator: [00:09:58] This episode is sponsored by betterhelp.com secure convenient and affordable online counseling. All counselors are licensed accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to betterhelp.com/PsychCentral and experience 7 days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. Betterhelp.com/PsychCentral.

Michelle: [00:10:30] Back to self-sabotage.

Michelle: [00:10:32] There’s also “perceived fraudulence and when you do something that raises your public profile you kind of feel like you only have further to fall.” I have suffered from this in my life because one day I think I realized that I have this online persona. People think I’m a cool person. I guess I don’t really think I’m that cool but maybe one day I kind of think what if people think I’m not cool and then everybody realizes I’m a big loser and nobody likes me anymore.

Gabe: [00:10:59] First off I sincerely doubt that you think you’re not cool. That’s that’s just the I’m going to call bullshit on that. You think that you are a badass. In fairness you are. You’ve accomplished quite a lot and you deserve the confidence that you have. But I think that what you are trying to explain is that you’re worried that even though you think you’re a good person and a cool person and you are capable you’re worried that people will think that you’re a fraud. And the reason that they will think you’re a fraud is because eventually, you’re going to fail. Eventually, you’re gonna have a project that doesn’t work and you’ve had projects that haven’t worked. Michelle, you pop up in New York City which is very very difficult.

Gabe: [00:11:40] I want to give you full props a lot of people think that you just sell this stuff online and the relative safety of your own home. But actually, you go out on the streets of New York City and sell your wares very publicly right?

Michelle: [00:11:53] Mm hmm.

Gabe: [00:11:55] Every time you go do you sell the same amount. Oh no. So that means that sometimes your sales are successful and profitable and sometimes even though you’re selling the exact same stuff and you’re the exact same person sometimes you lose money and you spend the whole day like for negative dollars.

Michelle: [00:12:13] That has happened. Yes yes.

Gabe: [00:12:17] Failure.

Michelle: [00:12:17] That’s how I started. I started in a deficit but now it’s getting way better with the connections that I’ve made through other places where I can pop up now in better spots for less of a price. Because when you do pop up in New York City unless you have a permit you have to pay to be at a pop-up shop in a certain place. So if you don’t make over the amount of money that you’ve paid to have your place you then lose money but then there’s also sales and then there’s revenue. Did you make more in your revenue that you’ve actually paid?

Gabe: [00:12:51] Are you explaining business to our listeners like we just became a business podcast. So we’re like Forbes for mentally ill people. Thank you Michelle for explaining business economics to our listeners.

Michelle: [00:13:05] I’ve done days where I’ve sold one shirt. I’ve done days where I’ve sold 30 shirts.

Gabe: [00:13:10] What’s the most shirts you’ve ever sold in one day?

Michelle: [00:13:15] About 30.

Gabe: [00:13:16] And what is the least number of shirts you’ve ever sold?

Michelle: [00:13:17] One.

Gabe: [00:13:18] So that that’s a world of difference.

Michelle: [00:13:21] So yes.

Gabe: [00:13:22] So even in your manufacturing enterprise it is wildly successful. I mean it really is you are. You are very successful as a designer and seller of clothes correct?

Michelle: [00:13:36] Yes.

Gabe: [00:13:37] But all days aren’t equal. So I think that sometimes people don’t look at the whole. And you know our show, for example, every single time we have an episode that goes poorly. What do I do?

Michelle: [00:13:50] You get upset.

Gabe: [00:13:51] And who do I call.

Michelle: [00:13:52] Me.

Gabe: [00:13:53] And what do you say.

Michelle: [00:13:54] Next time will be better.

Gabe: [00:13:55] Yes.

Gabe: [00:13:56] And you point out that our stats for the entire month are always great. But yeah you’ve got to have an episode that’s the worst one in a month. You’ve got to have an episode that’s the best one. They’re not all gonna be uniform. That’s impossible but it is mathematically impossible. Some shows are gonna do better than others. You always say it like that New York accent and usually mocking me. But that is the pep talk that you give me every single time. But I always tell you no no no. This is proof that people are losing interest and that it’s no longer good. And I start to just devolve very quickly into “Oh it’s gonna be over soon” and every month your right.

Michelle: [00:14:31] It goes back up.

Michelle: [00:14:33] Does those do you always try to find a scapegoat of why it failed.

Gabe: [00:14:39] I don’t try to find a scapegoat of why it fails because I do always try to find a scapegoat and I always think that it’s me and by extension of it being me I think it’s you.

Gabe: [00:14:52] So I always think it’s us because the show is just us. I don’t know that that’s a bad way to look at it though.

Gabe: [00:14:59] I mean if I’m being completely honest with myself I do take credit for the success of the show. We take credit for the success of the show and I feel very strongly that if you’re gonna take credit for something you need to take the negative. If you’re going to pat yourself on the back when you’re successful you need to take the blame for failure. And I just I really really detest people that want all the credit when things go well but they’re nowhere to be found when things go poorly.

Gabe: [00:15:28] I don’t like people like that. I don’t. I think that it’s that’s irresponsible. I will be standing at the finish line whether we win or whether we lose.

Michelle: [00:15:35] And I just believe that.

Michelle: [00:15:36] There is no I in team.

Gabe: [00:15:39] Yeah but there’s a me and an at.

Michelle: [00:15:43] What.

Gabe: [00:15:43] And meet. And a meta.

Michelle: [00:15:46] What is that supposed to mean?

Gabe: [00:15:48] Gabe is very meta.

Michelle: [00:15:50] I don’t like that word.

Gabe: [00:15:51] You don’t like meta. What is it like meta. Like a box of boxes is very meta or putting spectrums on a spectrum is very meta.

Michelle: [00:16:00] I don’t know what you’re talking about right now you’re just sabotaging this podcast.

Gabe: [00:16:04] That’s very true. Do you think that it is a form of self-sabotage. Anytime I ask you like a very personal question and instead of answering it you deflect onto something else.

Michelle: [00:16:14] I don’t think that’s sabotage. I just think that’s ignoring you.

Gabe: [00:16:18] No I’m I’m being serious.

Gabe: [00:16:20] Like for example right there it’s just you were really snarky I’m just ignoring you why. Really that’s why I’m being sincere that that’s what you want the audience to think that if Gabe asked you a question that you don’t like you just flat out ignore him. Isn’t it very passive aggressive you don’t you don’t say no thank you. You don’t change the subject you know what I mean you’re just I’m just ignoring you dick. I’m like your business.

Michelle: [00:16:41] What questions are you asking me that I’m not answering?

Gabe: [00:16:43] Do you love your mother?

Michelle: [00:16:45] Of course.

Gabe: [00:16:47] I wish we had video right now.

Gabe: [00:16:54] I actually know that you are very very fond of your mother but whenever I ask the question you always get like like I swear to God like your face turns red and some horns pop up and you’re like yes I do.

Michelle: [00:17:13] Do you love your mother?

Gabe: [00:17:14] Damn skippy she brought me into this world.

Gabe: [00:17:18] She makes me Turkey she makes those little Hershey Kiss cookies that I like but not the apple cookies that I like. She made them one year nobody liked them but me. So she’ll never make them again. That bitch I know and now she claims that she lost the recipe in the world of Google. How do you lose a recipe?

Michelle: [00:17:39] You know she’s lying to you. I think she is 100 percent. She is sabotaging Thanksgiving.

Gabe: [00:17:48] Don’t say that. Thanksgiving is way over.

Michelle: [00:17:49] Oh she is sabotaging your happiness. She is. I think that she is sabotaging my happy. You know what you could you Gabe you could just make those Apple cookies.

Gabe: [00:18:00] That is actually an excellent example right now I am upset that last Christmas my mother did not make me the cookies and I blamed her for not finding the recipe. And I blamed her for not using google to find the recipe but I am capable of finding the recipe for her and she’d probably make them. I’m capable of finding the recipe and making them myself. I’m capable of going to a bakery and just buying the damn things but instead I am sabotaging the relationship that I have with my mother by continuing to complain about something that is easily wrecked a fireball because in my mind it’s easier to be pissed off and angry and put upon than to just solve the damn problem.

Michelle: [00:18:41] Did you self sabotage when you were younger.

Gabe: [00:18:43] Yes. And I think that everybody does when they’re younger because we don’t understand the consequences yet. Hard work is hard work and working hard to get nothing is just the ultimate in depressing. It really is. We’ll go back to the sports analogy. You know how everybody says there’s no second place there’s just the first loser. I mean look. Being the second best at something in the entire world is a pretty good place to be. But I understand it.

Michelle: [00:19:10] You worked so hard and so long and you gave it everything you had and it didn’t matter.

Gabe: [00:19:19] Somebody was better than you.

Gabe: [00:19:21] My God that is devastatingly awful but I try to remember that if I didn’t give it 100% and I come in second that means if I would’ve come in first. So the whole reason I’m not standing on top of the pile is because I half-assed it and I think that’s worse in my mind self sabotaging is worse.

Gabe: [00:19:44] It’s why I put in way too much effort into any everything. You know how many people make fun of us for how much effort we put into our little podcast.

Michelle: [00:19:52] People make fun of us?

Gabe: [00:19:53] They make fun of us constantly.

Gabe: [00:19:55] Remember when we started and somebody said you will never find a sponsor ever.

Michelle: [00:19:59] Who said that?

Gabe: [00:20:00] Yeah we’re not going to out people on the show.

Michelle: [00:20:03] But well you know what they can do. Yeah.

Gabe: [00:20:08] You know they can do Michelle when you told your family that you were going to start a podcast did they ever think that it would be a money-making enterprise.

Michelle: [00:20:15] Oh absolutely not.

Gabe: [00:20:16] Yeah yeah. And is it a moneymaking enterprise.

Michelle: [00:20:19] I’m making millions.

Gabe: [00:20:21] OK. No. Now you’re just lying.

Gabe: [00:20:23] Yeah. Now exaggeration and grandiosity is going to be next week’s show.

Gabe: [00:20:29] Michelle tie this together in a bow. Why do people self-sabotage and how do we get them to stop.

Michelle: [00:20:34] I think people are just afraid of doing well because they’re afraid to fail. You’re afraid of failing then you’re just going to mess everything up when you’re doing well in high school. I was undiagnosed schizophrenic. I also had ADHD. They didn’t know about I was really bad at reading books because I had I just couldn’t concentrate on any of the books. So instead of handing in an essay that was going to be awful I just wouldn’t hand in an essay because I didn’t want the teacher to see how stupid I was. So that’s just self-sabotage right there.

Michelle: [00:21:08] I’d rather get a zero than let the teacher know that I couldn’t write because I was dumb.

Gabe: [00:21:13] You’d rather fail because you didn’t try than fail because you’re not good enough.

Michelle: [00:21:19] Exactly.

Gabe: [00:21:21] But you deprived yourself of the opportunity to get better and possibly succeed.

Michelle: [00:21:26] Well I realized this now but I did not realize this then.

Gabe: [00:21:29] But somebody did realize it for you right.

Gabe: [00:21:32] Your parents the teacher I mean somebody corrected this you are a woman who knows how to read and graduated from college and you are quite successful. So I refuse to believe that you went through your entire school career doing no homework turning nothing in and getting all zeros. So somebody fixed this.

Michelle: [00:21:47] I do the easy stuff. I mean I could read the short books but if you put a gigantic book in front of me and tell me to read it I’m going to have a panic attack.

Gabe: [00:21:55] What if I take a gigantic book and I cut it into like four hundred little books. Then could you read it.

Michelle: [00:22:01] No. I read a book and I constantly check how many pages I have left.

Gabe: [00:22:08] How does that help?

Michelle: [00:22:08] It doesn’t get I just get so overwhelmed when I’m reading books.

Gabe: [00:22:14] Still.

Michelle: [00:22:15] Yes.

Gabe: [00:22:16] How do you make it through college?

Michelle: [00:22:16] I was an art major Gabe.

Gabe: [00:22:20] That’s fair. I forgot. The only thing lower than an art major.

Michelle: [00:22:25] A gym teacher.

Gabe: [00:22:27] No. Somebody who plays sports.

Michelle: [00:22:32] You know sports is not a major.

Gabe: [00:22:33] Isn’t it.

Michelle: [00:22:35] It’s not.

Gabe: [00:22:36] Isn’t it.

Michelle: [00:22:36] It’s you can’t graduate with a sports degree.

Gabe: [00:22:39] What about all those all those college football players where do they end up.

Michelle: [00:22:44] To conclude Gabe stop being afraid of success.

Michelle: [00:22:49] Don’t be afraid to fail, strive for the stars because if you fall at least you land on the treetops. A soccer coach used to tell me that over and over again.

Michelle: [00:23:02] And that’s why you switched to lacrosse.

Michelle: [00:23:05] Yes.

Gabe: [00:23:07] Thank you, everybody, for tuning into this week’s episode of a bipolar schizophrenic and a podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Michelle Hammer. Remember you can head over to store.PsychCentral.com and buy the official define normal shirt which supports the show. Send us your topic ideas to [email protected]. Remember to leave a comment.

Gabe: [00:23:34] Everywhere you see these comments really really help us leave us a five-star review. Pass this on to your friend. Don’t let our show die otherwise. Michelle and I will just continue to fight.

Narrator: [00:23:51] You’ve been listening to a bipolar schizophrenic podcast. If you love this episode don’t keep it to yourself head over to eye tunes or your preferred podcast app to subscribe rate and review. To work with Gabe go to GabeHoward.com. To Work with Michelle go to Schizophrenic.NYC. For free mental health resources and online support groups. Head over to PsychCentral.com. Show’s official Website PsychCentral.com/BSP you can e-mail us a [email protected]. Thank you for listening and share widely.

Meet Your Bipolar and Schizophrenic Hosts

GABE HOWARD was formally diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders after being committed to a psychiatric hospital in 2003. Now in recovery, Gabe is a prominent mental health activist and host of the award-winning Psych Central Show podcast. He is also an award-winning writer and speaker, traveling nationally to share the humorous, yet educational, story of his bipolar life. To work with Gabe, visit gabehoward.com.

MICHELLE HAMMER was officially diagnosed with schizophrenia at age 22, but incorrectly diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 18. Michelle is an award-winning mental health advocate who has been featured in press all over the world. In May 2015, Michelle founded the company Schizophrenic.NYC, a mental health clothing line, with the mission of reducing stigma by starting conversations about mental health. She is a firm believer that confidence can get you anywhere. To work with Michelle, visit Schizophrenic.NYC.

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Roots 06/29/2018 & 07/02/2018 [許]

This longer-than-usual post is the first of two in which I am relaying the experiences I had in my two ancestral villages. This post pertains to my two visits to my Huie 許 village and is thus sectioned into two parts: the first visit on 06/29/2018, and the second visit on 07/02/2018. As visiting this site of my personal heritage was an exceptionally important journey for me, I have included much more content than I have in previous “Roots” posts. Alongside my own photographs, I added photographs shot by our leader Al and our friend Sherry, which I have crafted to look akin to film photographs. I have also written much more than typical, so if you’re one of the kind souls who actually reads the words I write, you might enjoy this post. Anyway, that’s all I have to say about that.

Enjoy.

Isabella

Preface: My Huie/Xu [許] Ancestral Village_____________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________

IN THIS GRAND EXPEDITION TO CHINA this summer, I visited two of my ancestral villages. This post pertains to my two visits to my Huie 許 (or Xǔ in Mandarin) village in Guangdong province of Southern China, which is the side of my Chinese family whose history I know most about. You might be wondering where this Huie name comes from and what happened to “Xu” surname I use. See, “Xǔ” is the Mandarin pronunciation of my family name, and I use that for my public name because Mandarin is the most widely spoken and recognized Chinese dialect. However, my family are not Mandarin speakers, we are Cantonese, and more specifically we hail from a region of Guangdong province called Toisan (or Táishān in Mandarin) which has it’s own specific dialect itself. We are not known amongst ourselves as Xǔ’s, but rather as Huie’s, which is why in this post I will be hence referring to this aspect of my identity as Huie.

Now, with all this talk of my family name, you might be wondering what my relation to this village is. It was the birthplace and home of my mother’s father’s father (my great-grandfather), and his ancestors before him (that I am aware of anyway). According to the records my great-grandfather left after his passing, our ancestral village goes by what we can best romanize as Sui Bo Huey. Though I say that with a grain of salt, as I don’t know what this name means or even what the correct characters are, but I found that procuring information on our village was uniquely difficult because: 1) My mother, grandfather and grand-uncle have all visited the village, so I knew the information existed, and 2) We still own our ancestral home, and have an active property manager there, and 3) Despite the above factors, no one had, could, or was willing to provide me the information. Difficulties aside, I acquired the info, and made to the village. Twice. ●

第四天: 台山

Day Four: Toisan [Taishan]

06/29/2019

PHOTOGRAPHY: Al Cheng & Sherry

PHOTO POST-PROCESSING & COMMENTARY: Isabella Xu

↑↑ (1) On the balcony of my ancestral home, overlooking the garden and fields. (2) Photo op with an old woman who claims to weed the exterior of my ancestral home

First Visit: What Happened on 06/29/2019 _____________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________

First! Let me tell you about the first visit to Sui Bo Huey, because there were two. One not-so-spectacular visit (this one), and a more intimate visit (the one later in this post). My actual, official, PRC-approved, scheduled time and day for me to visit Sui Bo Huey was June 29, 2018. (Little bitty tidbit, we were with the gov’t, which was quite the thrill not gonna lie. Our Toisan official/friend, Mr. Yang (Young Yang) was fantastic and overall a very kind man). That morning, I awoke with numb excitement. I couldn’t believe that the day where I’d set foot in a place where part of my family lived for who knows how long had finally come. It was daunting and my thoughts were a maelstrom of discourse. Was I ready for this? Was I too young? I’m only nineteen and I’m already having highly philosophical and existential conversations with myself; did I jump into this prematurely? But at the same time, in my noggin I was bouncing with glee. Today will be an interesting day.

Knowing I’d be the complete center of attention that morning, and fully aware that there would be several cameras aimed at me the whole duration of my visit to Sui Bo Huey, I hopped out of bed to decide what to wear. In my animated yet distressed stupor, my lovely roommate, Kona, helped me choose an outfit for the day. My first thought was to wear a poppy red Athleta tank (similar), a cream vintage silk button-up short sleeve blouse (similar), and off-white linen Aritzia pants (similar-ish). What we found though was that you could see my undies through the pants, so I traded the silk blouse for a mauve Nike long-sleeve (different color), tied yachting style around my shoulders, and swapped the risqué pantaloons for my trusty black Athleta cargos. (Not that it really matters much for this post, since, ya know, I’m not in any of these photos, but for my own posterity’s sake, please! Let me live!). I then strapped on my black & cork Camper sandals, donned my faithful Urban Outfitters cap, slung my Aritzia fanny pack (similar) across my torso, and packed my camera bag. Now ready for adventure, Kona and I closed our hotel room door, waddled to the elevator, and embarked the slow descent to the lobby.

We exited the elevator and walked over to a set of plush chaises where others in our group were congregating. I set down my bags, kneeled, reached for my backpack, and took out a bottle of sunscreen mixed with insect repellent. Standing up I looked over to the other side of the lobby where I saw our leader Al standing and talking with a seedy looking middle-aged man with sparse slicked-back hair, wearing a red polo, navy trousers, brown Dickies belt, and boat shoes. Once they noticed me observing them, Al enthusiastically beckoned me over for introductions. Now, remember how I mentioned earlier that my family still owns our ancestral village in Sui Bo Huey? And that we have a property manager overseeing and maintaining that property? Well, this is that dude. Did I know he was going to be there? No. Did I know that Roots had successfully contacted him? No. Did I know his name? No. His being there was a complete shock to me as my grand-uncle had hinted that communication with our property caretaker was strained and inconsistent, and that he was unsure that the caretaker would respond to any attempted correspondance. So, with that in mind, I was flabbergasted and unprepared to have Lem Fun Koon 林煥權 accompany my rooting, and my mind was hazy after meeting him, and this fog carried through the rest of the day. (Though, in retrospect, I don’t really know why I was so stupidly impacted by his presence. I mean, he was just there to help! And I just displayed my despicable ice-queen qualities of complete asshattery and fuckbucketry, and seldom interacted with the poor guy! No matter how creepily greasy he looked, I truly regret my treatment of him. I hope to someday remedy that, and repay him for taking the time to show me the property. Maybe I’ll write him a thank you letter or something…). From introductions I learned that not only was he the caretaker of our property, but that he was actually a renowned Chinese calligrapher. I was told that his works can often sell for over $1,500 USD. I simultaneously thought it very snazzy but also a bit odd that we have a famous calligrapher for a property manager, but, I guess, ya know, China. *shrugs.*

Post-introduction to Lem Fun Koon 林煥權 (Whom I’ll now address as Mr. Lem), it was finally time to embark on the short journey to Sui Bo Huey, that is, after we took 15 minutes to load the bus, 15 minutes to collect the day’s government official (and film me being shallowly introspective about family/village info and what I expected to find), 15 minutes to stop outside a convenience store and debate which packaged cookies to use for my bai san ceremony (ritual paying respects to ancestors), and then another 15 minutes minute trundle to the village. So, after enduring what was supposed to be a 15 minute drive, we finally arrived. An hour later.

As we turned off the main road and approached my village, the first thing I saw was the gate marking the entrance. Actually, you know, I take that back. The first thing I actually saw was the MASSIVE pile of trash directly behind the gate! What a great way to start my rooting, no? Trash? Everywhere? Just fucking lovely. I knew my family came from a humble peasantry background, but this was just too comically ironic (I came from literal trash!). But, let’s not be so hasty in my assumptions. I later discovered that a family in the village operated a recycling business, thus justifying the huge pile of trash that-isn’t-quite-trash-but-is-rather-recycling in the area. I felt much better after learning that. Better yet, I felt a smidge of pride. Go ancestral village. Go Sui Bo Huey. Y’all are doing good deeds.

Anyways, Sifu (our hilariously nonchalant bus driver) drove through the gate, into the village, and parked our trusty bus on the long and receding stretch of concrete and alongside the row of homes to our left, and I discovered shortly after that he had parked literally 15 feet away from my ancestral home. To our right, parallel to the concrete was a community garden of sorts, with rows and rows of small crops including eggplant, cabbage, corn, and many other unidentifiable plants. Beyond the garden were expanding rice fields that I want to say were three fourths of a mile in distance until they were cut off by a large factory building. But those were all the observations I could make before the ruckus began.

As soon as Sifu parked, the floodgates (by which I mean the bus doors) opened and everyone began siphoning out on to the pavement. Because I was being filmed, I was the last to exit. By the time I hop out, there were people everywhere: Roots people, government officials, villagers, and who knows who else (I certainly don’t). While I’m dazedly trying to discern what’s happening, Mr. Lem was already at the doors of my family property, hastily undoing the locks on the front entrance (our property was vacant so we weren’t intruding on anybody, though that would have been quite the event), and before I know it, I’m being herded over to the door. With the procession in tow, and no way for me to escape, I proceeded towards my ancestral home while Candace and Diann went to film and photograph the village, Nick began flying our faithful drone Rufus for some aerial shots, and I think Robyn and Carol went to go talk to villagers, but frankly I’m unsure. Along with Mr. Lem, Al, Derek, Long Lǎoshī, Sherry (who was photographing me), Mickey, Jeremy (who was also photographing me), Amanda (who was filming me and translating), two other government officials and a couple village representatives, into the home I went.

Right off the bat, as soon as I entered the building, my visit was not what I had anticipated. After stepping through the front door I was amazed at how well kept the interior was (and the exterior looked very nice too, so props to him), but also for the entire duration of my visit, Mr. Lem made a point to show me all the fixes he made, improvements he added and told me everything he’s done in upkeep. Frankly, that’s what most of the visit was: rather than permitting me to absorb the moment, learn and reflect, my visit was mostly him showing me and telling me everything he’s done to take care of the house, as well as describing the legal work he’s had to do, and complaining how he was contacted by the government rather than directly by my uncle (and that is quite the juicy drama, but I’m not going to share that with you, sorry, that’s a more private matter). While I was exceptionally bothered by his actions at the time (and not gonna lie, I’m still pretty pissed about that), I can understand why he acted how he did. My presence may have appeared as if my family had sent me to assess the property’s condition and verify Mr. Lem’s work, and even though I and everyone present that day knew that was not what my intentions were, I can understand how it may have seemed like a check up. Still, as he occupied about 75% of the minuscule hour and a half I spent there talking about himself, I felt very cheated of an intimate and private experience I had come so far to have.

On top of that, my time in my ancestral home was very rushed. Before we had even left for China, I had to prioritize one village over the other, and whichever I made my primary village was the one I would have more time in. However, despite how much I wanted this village to be my primary, because I had such difficulty squeezing information out of my family, I was forced to make Sui Bo Huey my secondary village. It wasn’t until quite literally two days before my flight to China that I finally secured the information I needed to identify the place, and promptly asked Roots to make Sui Bo Huey my primary. However, the switch happened a tad too late and the schedule for my time in Sui Bo Huey was set in stone, and the day’s schedule didn’t permit more time, so we had to do and see everything in a hurry.

The moment I entered the central room, where the ancestral altar was housed, it was a scramble to perform my bai san, or the ceremony where I paid respects to my ancestors. But here’s the kicker, I didn’t know what in the fuck this ceremony was. I had never heard the term bai san. Nobody in my family ever performed bai san. I hadn’t witnessed any of the other Rooters’ bai san ceremonies because I was off prancing around the villages we visited photographing everything besides the person whose village it was. I was thrust into the altar room, had a pile of incense shoved into my hands, then everyone stood back, left me in an empty space and told me to do the ceremony. But because I’m a complete noob, and know abso-fucking-nothing, I stood there like a dodo bird for a good moment, then asked Al for help. Mr. Lem lit the incense sticks, Mickey and Long Lǎoshī laid an offering of cookies on a table, and Al directed me in bowing, placing the incense around the house, and praying to my ancestors. Once I finished the ceremony, Mr. Lem put the cookies in his bag.

After bai san, Mr. Lem talked at Al, Long Lǎoshī, Mickey and Mr. Yang in a circle for about twenty minutes about all the legal troubles he went through with the property. In complete confusion, I kept peering over their shoulders at the documents he was referencing, trying to grasp what was happening, and thankfully Amanda translated some of the discussion. After Mr. Lem finished venting, someone announced that we should take a group photo outside, and I was being swept away again. Yet before we could make our way outside, Derek asked me if I had walked around the house. Which I hadn’t. So instead of meandering towards the doorway, I waltzed the opposite direction and went into what used to be the kitchen.

↑↑ Post-bai san, standing in the center room of my ancestral home before our altar. Here I am thanking my Bok Gung (though I think he’s actually my Taai Gung, but don’t quote me on that, the Chinese family tree is about as confusing as quantum mechanics), my Gung Gung, and everyone who came before them.

With my diversion, Mr. Lem promptly began giving me a tour of the house. It really was a beautiful house. It was divided into three sections. The first was when you first step through the front door; there was a small entry-room; branching forward was the second section of the house, and branching to the left was a door to another room. From this room you could climb a ladder upstairs to what was likely once a bedroom, and this bedroom connected to another small room (which is directly above the entry-way room below) and possessed a door to a balcony (above the second section) overlooking the village gardens and fields beyond. Back in the entryway again, and leading forward was the second section. This was the largest room in the house and ran from one end of the property to the other. Within this room was the ancestral altar, which had apparently survived a fire and but still in excellent condition. There was also a table, some large old pots to store rice, some decrepit wooden stools, and the foundations for a stone rice pounder set into the floor of the room. The room was lit by the skylight connected to the roof behind the balcony above. Continuing through to the third section of the house was the kitchen and former entryway to the home. I was told that a number of years ago, thieves had broken through the original door and destroyed it so much that it was irreparable and irreplaceable, so Mr. Lem had simply blocked the door with a lovely handcrafted barricade. Leading off the kitchen was another room, which had another ladder leading to the other upstairs portion of the home, but the ladder was broken and we could access the upper floor. I was awestruck by the condition of my ancestral home, and was very proud of all the hard work that Mr. Lem invested in the place (I wish to properly thank him somehow, but am unsure of how to do that; if you have suggestions please comment below!). It was one of the most amazing places I’ve ever been. I really wish I had had the chance to photograph it myself.

And that was the most upsetting aspect of this visit: I wasn’t able to photograph anything, and that really left an impact. In all of the prior rootings we did, I had impeccable experiences within each village simply by padding around and photographing the details of each community. In my debrief later that day, I voiced my dissatisfaction. The day was rushed. I hadn’t had any private time. Mr. Lem made a decent portion of my visit about himself rather than about me. I relayed that I had had more intimate experiences in everyone else’s villages by being able to walk around and see things. I regretted not having any of my own documentation of my own village. If I had been provided the time and opportunity to shoot my own photos of Sui Bo Huey, I know I wouldn’t have been so angry, but because I was prevented from doing the one thing I’m passionate about, in the place I cared for most, my frustration was evident. I toyed with the idea of asking to go back, but because we had such a crammed schedule for our remaining days in Toisan, and because others hadn’t been given the chance to return to their villages, I didn’t think it wise or fair for me to ask to go back.

However, a couple days later, my emotions got the best of me, and in an admittedly dramatic fashion, I asked Al and Derek if I could return to Sui Bo Huey before we left Toisan a few days later. And I am undeniably grateful that they, and the government, let me go back again three days later. ●

↑↑ (1) Group photo of our Roots 2018 family, Lem Fun Koon, Sifu, Long Lǎoshī, Mr. Yang (Young Yang), two other government officials whose names I don’t know, and a village representative inside the alter room of my ancestral home. (2) Group photo outside my ancestral home; you can see the doorway to the house on the left-hand side of the frame.

第六七: 台山

Day Seven: Toisan [Taishan]

07/02/2018

PORTRAIT PHOTOS: Al Cheng

PHOTOGRAPHY, PORTRAIT POST-PROCESSING & COMMENTARY:

Isabella Xu

Second Visit: What happened on 07/02/2018 __________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________________________

The day I asked to go back to Sui Bo Huey, we looked over the schedule and finessed a time for me to return on July 2nd, 2018. Accompanied by Al, I would be permitted to return to my Bok Gung’s village, and the day I would go back was the same day as my other village visit. We’d visit my secondary village, my mother’s mother’s mother’s father’s village, in the morning, and after spending a couple hours there, Al and I would peel off from the larger group, return to Sui Bo Huey for a few hours, then would drive back to Toisan city for a late lunch.

The weather that day was overcast, and the sky looked as if I was ready to dump a downpour any second. That morning I awoke, dressed in an almost-monochrome get-up. Along-sleeve Nike running top, Aritzia athletic pants, my camper sandals, and Aritzia fanny pack, I then assembled my camera bag, hell-bent on making sure I secured photographs of my two villages that day.

Skipping past our morning visit to my secondary village (I know, I know, how disappointing! But do not fret, that account will be documented in the next post), with a moderate sprinkle from the heavens, Al and I hop into the car of a driver we hired for the day, and set out for Sui Bo Huey.

I knew that this visit would be wholly different from my previous experience. The only visitors to Sui Bo Huey would be myself and Al. The rest of our group was touring Kona’s second village. Mr. Lem was five hours away doing whatever it is that he does in another province (thereby we couldn’t enter the property, but that was alright). The government official that was supposed to oversee our visit just stopped by for about two minutes, then left. It was just me, Al, my camera and the village (well, and our driver, but he just sat in the car and/or looked at the eggplants or something in the garden). And that was more than I could ask for.

Hopping out of the car, the first thing I do (after taking a photo of Al and the government official) was walk up the same alleyway where the entrance to my ancestral home was located, all the way down to it’s very end (which was only like 50 meters, so nothing extraordinary). Back here were some little shacks, some in nice condition, others not so much. While perusing this little area I spotted an orange chicken (NOT the Panda Express kind, NO) standing on a ledge. It was just existing there, waiting and watching me, and once it noticed me returning it’s gaze, it took a step towards an archway and looked forward. It continued to glance my way, cluck and take another step, as if asking me to follow. As it slowly methodically made its way towards an the arch which led to some little corner of some structure, I decided to follow it. So I hopped up onto the ledge and trailed the chicken through the arch.

Now, I sound like a lunatic when I say this, and I have received nonverbal confirmation of this, but this chicken led me to this little alcove of an abandoned and crumbling structure, with the most beautifully water- and algae-stained walls. On them were large splotches of dirt and vibrant green microorganisms. The bases of the walls were a darkened, soil brownish-black which provided an excellent contrast to the whitish-grey concrete wall. The walls themselves had minuscule cracks and fractures and on one was a yellow and white electrical outlet, with several severed wires dangling from the apparatus. I was really struck by this bitty alcove and really it doesn’t seem that spectacular when you think about it. But I guess I’ve developed a few characteristics of a hopeless romantic over the past year, so cut me a little slack people. It was a really beautiful space. Just take my word for it. Or look at the photographs I shot of it below.

After parting ways with the chicken and the alcove, I found myself face-to-face with exactly the one person in the village I didn’t want to see: an old woman who supposedly weeds around my ancestral home, hates Mr. Lem, and was exceptionally bitter overall my last visit. I had hopped down from the ledge and looked to my right when she spotted me. She was perched on the ledge picking at some weeds and as soon as she laid eyes on me, she beckoned me over. I slowly and hesitantly walked over to stand before where she crouches, when she began blabbing away at me. Of course, I have no fucking idea exactly what she’s saying, but I intuitively knew what she was ranting about (which I had been told a bit about during my first visit): Mr. Lem, me, weeding, and money. After about ten minutes of my only responses to her jabbering being smiles and nods, she stood from her perch and had me follow her to her home, which was the house directly behind my ancestral home. As she disappeared into her home, I panicked a bit and yelled, “HEY AL!! CAN YOU COME OVER

(1) The Al & I ↑↑ (2) The Al & I & a Dog

HERE??!” He sauntered over from somewhere just as she reemerged, scrawling some characters on the back of an old tear-off calendar. She saw Al and began agitatedly mumbling again and motioned for us to follow her inside her home. She showed us into her altar room all the while talking at Al. She’d motion at him, at me, at herself, and in the direction of my family’s home, and even though I can’t understand a single word of what she said, I still knew precisely what she was angry about, and Al confirmed, though with more detail than what I could have inferred. The old woman apparently was asked by Mr. Lem to maintain the exterior of the house by uprooting little weeds that pop up every now and then. The woman claimed that she received no compensation for her weeding from Mr. Lem and that she disliked him very much. From myself and Al (as she believed Al was my grandfather) she demanded three red envelopes of money: one for each time of the year that she weeds. Al told her no, we promptly left her house and her dog followed us.

After that, I decided to go explore deeper into the village and pointed to Al the direction I’d be heading. He told me to be wary of some wild dogs over that direction as he had just been over that way and had seen some nasty specimens of rabidness. Because I’m a naïve piece of crap, and felt brave when

accompanied by the old woman’s dog, despite his warning, I trundled over in the “danger” direction. You would think I’d have been much more discretionary and cautious given my past history with dogs, but I threw that rationality out the window. As soon as my dog companion and I made our way to that side of the village, we were promptly bombarded by two wild dogs. I had hoped the old woman’s dog would have stood its ground against them, but he just scampered off back the way we came. Abandoned, I eventually edged my way around the dogs and tiptoed back to safety, but I was scared shitless.

Arriving in the safe zone, I made my way back towards my ancestral home, the car and Al. I popped out of the alleyway, and whipped my head around in all directions in attempt to spot Al, yet instead of our fearless leader, I instead spotted a kitten perched inside a barred window of the house next to mine. Because I love cats and hadn’t had a chance to interact with any that far in the trip, I padded over to the window to take a closer look. It was an adorable little thing, but clearly looked malnourished and miserable. I placed my hand on the edge of the window sill, and slowly inched my fingers forward so that it could sniff my hand. It reproached my hand a smidge and that movement revealed the reason why it looked so unhappy. There was a clear zip-tie strapped around it’s neck, with a metal chain hooked on the loop: it was shackled to the inside of this house, and it was an abandoned house that. I heard all talking with the driver a ways away, and

Kind Chicken, Lead Me Where? ↑↑ (A kind chicken in a water-stained alcove that it led me to in my Huie [許] ancestral village)

called him over to the window. Al and I spent the next hour or so with that cat (though it was mostly me, Al just stood by shooting photos as always). I was concerned that she would be rabid, hostile and that she would bite and scratch, but the cat found me docile enough to let me pet and photograph her without flinching. After about twenty minutes, she jumped down from the window ledge and disappeared into the abandoned house. The doorway to the house was on the side directly across from my ancestral home’s entryway, and was only blocked by wooden bars bridging the space between the doorframe sides. That being said, I couldn’t enter the property to unchain her, so I spent the next fifteen minutes coaxing the cat towards the door in an effort to unhook her. While doing so, I discovered that she had a sibling, though this cat was unchained, running about and whining all the while. Eventually, my cat and her brother came over to the door, where I had been squatting for far too long, and stepped out between the two lowest wooden bars. I reached down to see if she’d let me touch her, and after a few pets, I unlatched the chain and she was free. After that, she didn’t leave my side (well actually it was more like she didn’t leave my feet; she just stayed under my legs for the next twenty minutes), but that was also because the old woman’s dog wanted to play with my cats, and they didn’t want to play with him.

After another twenty minutes or so with the cat, Al and I decided it was time to leave. I bid goodbye to my kind chicken, my rambunctious dog, my scrawny cat and her ornery sibling, and to the old woman who weeds (who at that point had given up on grabbing my cash and just accompanied us around the village). Al already in the car, I gazed around my periphery a moment longer, then I hopped in the car, and the driver turned the engine. Setting my camera on the seat beside me, I turned and looked out the back window. I waved to the old woman, waved to her dog, and waved to my cats through the glass pane. The car inched forward and gradually accelerated as the framed image of my village receded into the distance. We passed by the row of homes, past the huge pile of trash, past the village gate, past the bright yellow restaurant which marked road to the village, and wheeled onto the main road. As the distance grew greater, I turned back to face forward in my seat. And before I knew it, Sui Bo Huey was gone. ●

(1) Last Vestiges; (2) A Blazing Yellow Roadmarker of More Than Just a Drink; (3) Asymmetric Symmetry ↑↑

(Abandoned restaurant outside the road and gateway to my Huie [許] ancestral village)

#Roots #Roots 2018 #China #Travel China #Guangdong #Taishan #Toisan #Nikon #Nikon D750 #Nikon Photographer #Sui Bo Huey #Huie #Xu

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