#((''Imaginary'' is because she can pick and choose her dreams and so she's kinda made a little safe space for herself in a recurring dream

[astral-athame]

- ̗̀ ✦ ㅤ ⸺ ㅤ 𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐆 𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐆𝐄 .

Share at least 5 songs that you associate with or remind you of your muse! (I DID 10. I'M SORRY.)

Imaginary by Evanescence "Don't say I'm out of touch with this rampant chaos / Your reality. / I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge / The nightmare I built my own world to escape"

All These Things I Hate (Revolve Around Me) by Bullet For My Valentine "Torn apart at the seams and my dreams turn to tears / I'm not feeling this situation. / Run away, try to find a safe place you can hide"

Snow White Queen by Evanescence "I can't save your life / Though nothing I bleed for is more tormenting / I'm losing my mind / And you just stand there and stare as my world divides"

The Well by The Crane Wives "All the words I couldn't say to you / Fill up the spaces in my chest / Like spare coins, poised on the tip of my tongue / I make a wish and hold my breath"

Everybody's Fool by Evanescence "It never was and never will be / Have you no shame? / Don't you see me? / You know you've got everybody fooled"

Teen Idle by Marina "Adolescence didn't make sense / A little loss of innocence / The ugly years of being a fool / Ain't youth meant to be beautiful?"

The State of Dreaming by Marina "All I want is to be wonderful / People in this town they can be so cruel"

Big God by Florence + the Machine "Sometimes I think it's getting better / And then it gets much worse / Is it just part of the process? / Jesus Christ, it hurts. / Though I know I should know better / Well I can make this work / Is it just part of the process? / Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ it hurts"

Rabbit Heart (Raise It Up) by Florence + the Machine "And in the spring I shed my skin / And it blows away with the changing wind / The water turns from blue to red / As towards the sky I offer it"

Labour by Paris Paloma "The capillaries in my eyes are bursting / If our loved died would that be the worst thing? / For somebody I thought was my savior / You sure make me do a whole lot of labour. / The calloused skin on my hands is cracking / If our love ends would that be a bad thing? / And the silence haunts our bed chamber / You make me do too much labour."

[chemtrailsovertheclub]

old poems v1.

here you go. dated august-september 2019 or so.  

my brain is a conglomeration of suffering it is everything it's all in my head though. by the time it shows on the physical, the damage is done, the war has been won and i am not victorious, maybe i won a few battles but ultimately i gave more than i gained from all the agonizing pain it's all in my head though.

i don't have a sense of identity and i don't have very much empathy because i feel so much to begin with how am i supposed to take on your problems too? i don't want to hurt you that's the last thing i ever wanted to do but so i push you far away and i don't say the things that haunt me because i know you feel so much empathy i can't have your hurt be because of me so i push you away

it's all in my head though. it's not a real problem. i'm perfectly fine. and i live a lie.

-

you make my heart beat go faster and the time goes slower and i feel my heart get closer and it melds into yours for hours that seem like years so when you go and i'm left alone my heart craves you my mind misses you my body is cold our love grows old and i worry it'll never be renewed

you are my drug, my medicine, my addiction my confliction of interest, of distress, of wondering what will come next my love, my joy, my shining light, my star so bright, those lakeside nights, those neck side bites, those streetside lights, those endless nights, those endless nights

-

i don't know what you want from me i don't have any sympathy for your self made misery

i don't know what world you live inside, all you seem to do is hide maybe you should step outside

into the light i promise it's not too bright i promise it's not a fight i promise if you'd just try you'd see just why life isn't just suffering until you die.

-

it's fine, pretending you're divine, that life is great, you feel no hate, there's no need to do a thing did i mention life is great?

it's a shame there's no one to blame for all the ways you bleed from your very own knives what a surprise! you take so many lives, why not your own? when you're finally all alone, when everyone you ever cared for is gone, when you've pushed them all away, i promise i won't say i told you so don't you know?

it's fine, pretending you're divine, that life is great, you feel no hate, there's no need to do a thing did i mention life is great?

black like mold the staleness you bring to the air gets old darkness and decay only leave so many words to say statements of agony proof you're not okay, proof that there's no way, you're ever going to change

-

i like the way you make feel at home like i do when i'm all alone i like the way you love me with all of your fragile heart like it won't get broke, like what all i said was a joke i knew it from the start, and every, day and night, it tears me a-part

i like the way you make me wanna run, away, never to be seen again by anyone of any concern, it's like i never learn, but they're my bridges to burn, it's my turn

it's not too hard to disappear, if you live your life running in fear if all you ever wanted was right there

i like the way i sing this song so soft and distraught when i let out my thoughts

i can't maintain my composure it's over exposure it's vulnerability it's me showing me for all the world to see and i can't take criticism very well and i didn't think this would go so well go so well can't you tell can't you tell? i burn my bridges before anyone can cross them but you must have swam, you must have swam because you made it across and what happens now? all my defenses are down. fire at will.

-

i want to bleed out every single ounce of my soul let it leak out of my body through each and every pore i crave liberation from my whole i would much rather be a piece of the puzzle than the whole fucking picture but here we are and the light, the light is blinding, and the darkness is consuming and the love is gone the love is gone. i am not at home in the one vessel i have for my spirit. can i get a replacement? is there a warranty on the carrier of my essence? dance with me and sing with me and drink with me and smoke with me and numb your feelings numb your pain numbness is satisfaction and as a matter of fact, satisfaction smells like worms in the rain.

-

i am a person for equality i am of a nationality that presents me with an easier way across the street, a paved path to walk on, the white privilege meant i could easily defeat, anyones suspicions, all your nonsense superstitions, all your tired inquisitions, all your conniving accusations, declarations, the satisfying sensations that you leave dripping down my throat

i feel everytime i forget to wear a winter coat, it is a message from you, a dream in the way it is afloat, it will never actually be perceived as more than glasses that need to be cleaned but no one told me the world wasn't this messy, i grew up in a world that's so numb to their feelings it's depressing. and the weather, it gets colder than i planned for, my jacket still probably lying on the kitchen floor, i am getting older and the blasphemous ones wear sheep's clothing, my mom is in the basement crying in the basement cause she's insecure, she's not sure she's worth anything, not a price at a bargain store, please close the door, oh please no more, i do implore have some sympathy for my dystopian society it's not predicted (but it is) it leaves me conflicted (i start to hiss) it leaves me afflicted (with all your sins) and i will not repent, for the message is best sent through a "i'm disappointed" by your closest parent.

i will not listen nor will i give in, when the chorus comes in, when the guards come in, when the cops come in, when the lights go out, when the last bit of tension building inside my cranium as your fingers instrument a destruction of the last thing you have finally learned to call home, for when you are alone who is there to judge you for not conforming when you are the whole, you are 100% of whatever you want to be and if one day you can wake up and finally see the reflection that stares back at me from the awkward first compliments to the snarky half-assed arguments that ended with my sticking out my tongue at you and kissing you and forgiving you because no one is perfect and i am sorry, i am sorry i created a pedestal for you in my head, you know some days i'd rather be dead, or at least just in a coma something to give me a moment i got my highschool diploma like you said i was supposed to you said, nothing.

i didn't really plan to live this long. how could the world have done me so wrong? trying to teach me a lesson? but here i am just stressin? my fight or flight reactions actin up, i think i'm coming up, i think i've had enough, i think i'm kinda fucked up, someone get me off this ride i can't decide for the life of me why i get no sympathy, like the simple fact of my humanity, negates my value as a human being. i am seething, soon no newborn babies will be teething because the majority of people i ask on the street, seem to agree that this world ain't so organized and neat, and the people here all be trying to compete, trying to delete, any trace of their origins or else how are they supposed to make their fortune releasing an autobiography with insights the one and only, the prized show pony, the don't leave me i'll be lonely, the if you could see me maybe you'd tread slowly, maybe you'd consider the possibility that you are not everything a human can be, sure it is possible, but you sir are making me rethink making me wonder making me more aware, more scared, more fear, more here, less beer, more liquor and it's getting quicker to take a shot or two or three down my throat and the warmth has finally become an expected gift, it's not something i try to shift away from my body, it's not naughty to want to feel comfortable in your own flesh, you are some combination of all your physical features but most importantly you are a culmination of your choices, of every single one of the voices that you decide were worthy of being heard for a change, i know they may sound strange when they first start on the stage, but look at them, they are acting their age they are being vulnerable they are feeling satisfied without eating till they're beyond the limits of full, they are complete before you two even meet and if you refuse to give her the heat, the intensity, the devotion, the endless flowing fountains of emotion, she gives you all of hers if you just would pick her a pretty flower.

so what if, we were to develop a place where the motif, the reason for the season, the blinding sheet in which they are not told they are a project, no for once, they are not simply something someone has likely forgot, can't you see how i'm falling, desperate and distraught death is sometimes a thought, quite a lot. but instead i make a scrapbook, i get a pretty one, i make it fun, i try to make unburdening all the weights others put on my back a thing i do everyday but it's so much easier to say, to delay, to just offer "how much do i need to pay", what feminine figure of weakness do i need to portray so you can save her? every page has effort and time put into it and just because you're not as into it as that little girl fantasizing about that imaginary world doesn't mean you can't for one second for one, humble, moment, for one silent showing of hands, of all those who have demands from the dead, they must be read, we do not judge nor hold any grudge for the ending will be the same, no matter what personality we choose to play the game today.

[wehavethoughts]

Comfortable Country Review!

Comfortable Country: Peaceful Homes Inspired by the Country Author: Enrica Stabile Photographer: Christopher Drake Publisher: Ryland Peters & Small, Inc., 2001 ISBN: 978 1 84597 361 2

*All quotes are from the book.

“Country is not simply an area you can find on a map, it is a place of the spirit.”

Comfortable Country strongly establishes the mood of country-inspired interior decoration. Aspirational homes are showcased on nearly every page, depicting pretty examples of design elements in a country home. The book’s text and images together create a thorough list of what you need to furnish your dream home, more idealistic than practical. Though lyrical and dreamy, Comfortable Country receives a rating of three darling geese out of a possible six, ultimately unable to rise to the standard of being a book about actual design in an accessible way. 

“...home should be a haven of renewal...”

Stabile is verbosely lyrical, describing tangible elements in great detail and providing abstract words to key readers into the decor style’s gentle tone. Repeated again and again, almost ad nauseum, are: comfortable and comforting, simple, inviting, relaxed, peaceful, cozy, casual, informal, tranquil, natural, soothing, unassuming, unpretentious, generous, soft, and restful. The painted picture is very clear; a real #mood #vibe is conjured in Stabile’s detailed imagery. But it’s the same thing on every other page: faded linens, white paint, terracotta pots. All of those elements are fabulous, but we got it the first time!

“Elements like these remind us of the pleasure we derive from the integrity of natural materials and living with things shaped by human hands from nature’s bounty.”

The book got redundant very quickly. The first section focuses on influences to consider: changing seasons, peacefulness, nostalgia, utility, and natural materials. Each is integral to country decor and living, in which you can “indulge your senses and promote your wellbeing.” The second half distributes these characteristics in various rooms of the home, applications of the notes from the first section. This call and response format works to really show readers how the fantasy works... and again... and again… The photography is so beautiful and rich; so many words weren’t needed. Or, if Stabile wanted her specific voice to come through, detail away but limit the book to carefully selected images that flatter the writing-- more of a style diary.

Comfortable Country is a thorough lookbook, a selection of excellent examples curated to present a fresh take (in 2001) on country style. I wonder which elements contributed to that fresh take: wildflowers in chipped vintage enamelware? Embroidered cloth napkins? Homemade ceramic mugs? Delft tiles or Victorian plates? Undoubtedly very pretty, I have a meticulous guide book of items to buy or find and visual examples of ways to place them in my own personal home. However, Stabile’s narrative on lifestyle has a shallow relationship to the material decor of the style, shying away from being a true design book. This brings me to how Stabile grounded, or didn’t ground, the book in any context whatsoever.

“All you need is time to enjoy it.”

Stabile is repeatedly very encouraging of a slower, quieter lifestyle. Chosen items should center rest, enjoyment, and ease. This is all very clear and, I think, very good! I personally would absolutely love to just start over in a sweet cottage, having enough money and time to gather precious pieces and make all my food from scratch. So many of us follow #cottagecore, but there is something inherently imaginary about the vibe, it’s attractive because it’s unattainable. I am still curious as to where her vision resides in a more practical reality, one likely inhabited by her readers. She gets so close!: encouraging me to decorate to my own personal interpretation, to have an “individual reaction to individual things.” However, simply buying these items cannot suddenly allow me to lead a more peaceful, country-inspired life.

“...recapture the unassuming style of a contented era not so long ago.”

This vision is certainly not unimportant, especially in our capitalist society in which we are overworked and undernourished. But Stabile only skirts around this issue, I wish she dove in more! Instead, she longs for a lost era, a time when… The recurring nostalgia is vague, reductionist, and admittedly, kinda sexist. We are asked to “recall a time when all appeared safe and ordered” and I ask: safe for whom? Stabile encourages us to “copy country housewives of times gone by…” to which I would reply, “No thanks.”

“The practical essentials of life need not be unattractive simply because they are useful.”

Perhaps I am mixing country and cottage, but this book indirectly claims a white, patriarchal understanding of being ‘one with nature’ as the ideal. The rhetoric of having a country house is not only bourgeoisie, but actively ignores indigenous ways of life that existed long before ‘having a country house’ was a thing. So many native cultures to this day live in a way where items are indeed made with natural materials, food is picked fresh, and the home is interconnected with the surrounding environment. Stabile jabs at post-war economic boom mass-production of (mostly plastic) goods. This context is important and yet not so simple. Without acknowledging who created the problem, she criticizes and rejects it.

“...make artful use of simple effects to create an unpretentious, relaxing look.”

Basically, what Stabile is presenting is actually luxury more than peaceful living. It’s not about understanding why goods were created en masse, how local artisans were replaced with national department stores. The result is a surface-level relationship with the object around us, which fetishizes ‘simple’ ways of life. An ode to what wealth can do, Comfortable Country acknowledges the need to escape from ‘chaotic city life’, but fails to see how a sweet, gentle hermitage is not an adequate reply to the root causes of why we need that escape in the first place.

Look at this next passage. The voice tries to be relatable, starting by blaming technology and then commenting on minimalism out of nowhere (there’s so much to say on minimalism, coming up in my next post!), but ultimately doesn’t seriously tackle the beautiful goals of the last sentence.

“When technology became a fact of life we had to assimilate, many of us turned to minimalism and a pared-down style to reflect the proficiency of our new world. But real people are not suited to behaving as though daily life were a laboratory experiment-- cool, clean, and clinical. Efficiency has its place, but in the things that we choose to live with we need an intimacy and a softness to keep us gentle, and to keep us human.”

I can only assume the intended audience of Comfortable Country is one who wants a fantasy getaway. This is totally fine! I can only award three geese because, while it sounds lovely, the book is removed from truly accessible design. A reader might crave white linen curtains and a stone bench to sit and admire her garden. But I wish this book were so much more than just a privileged dictation of what country-chic means to her and how you can do it too! It comes across as condescending to a reader like me who thinks (too) critically and has the knowledge to design on her own. The book was what it said it was, and I would only recommend it to those starting out in figuring out their style.

With loving curiosity, DesignMod

[jawbreakers2015]

Player Profile: Hang

avid modder, occasional TO and montage video producer from Germany top 12 in the Jawbreakers Stunfest Qualifier (artwork of Drop by Kagu)

What names do you go by?

I used to go by Troke for the entirety of April. Which was based on a dumb coincidence where I talked to Neer and had one of my usual mobile spelling errors and I wrote "I'm having ha troke" instead of "having a stroke".

I wanted to go away from "Hang Boy" since quite some time as I specifically wanted to get rid of the "Boy" and just "Hang" felt wrong and was still associated to Hang Boy anyway. But I guess I'm back to that now.

Reason to why I wanted to rid myself of "Boy" was as simple as me linking my online persona to my OC (By choosing her for profile pictures on basically any platform) which then of course lead people to believe she is a male based on the thought "Hey this is Hang Boy. So the profile picture must also be Hang Boy".

The name Hang Boy btw occurred just as I started my first step into the internet, when I was a big fan of the Binding of Isaac. So i needed an online name and I ventured through Isaac related things. Which was when I came across the Tarot card "Hanged Man". So I just took that and adjusted a bit.

How do you feel about your performance in this tournament?

Was pretty okay. I didn't expect to get far into it. Although I'm a bit sad I didn't make the Top 8 picture. Only needed one win more as well.

However I would have been disappointed in everyone else, if they allowed for me to reach Top 3. So good that didn't happen.

What was your strategy preparing for and competing in the tournament?

I haven't played Blaze in weeks. The only times I played recently was to get some recordings for a Toxic montage. Right before the tournament I was more worried to finish my Isaac run. Which I did win!

And during the tournament was pretty much just "Turn some nice music on, jam to it, play some Nitro, do some silly cuff shenanigans, do dumb parry grab down throws so the viewers can laugh over something".

I did "fly" with Nitro in one match but sadly it wasn't streamed so only Hellraiser was able to see the glory of Flying Cuff™.

Which was your hardest match of the tournament?

Hellraiser I suppose. He did kick me out of it. I never really played him or saw him play and he didn't fall for my aggressive playstyle, so it was a tough time.

What surprised you most about the tournament?

Cherry's second place finish. I know he's good, I think he's underrated even.

But second place is a really good finish. Even more so beating JawDrop since, in my opinion, he has some of the craziest tech and can be really really confusing to play against.

(Yea he also has weird lag even tho he lives in France but whatever :p)

Is there anyone you didn’t face that you wish you did?

I would have wanted to play Defur if possible. To some degree I see his entrance as a sort of meme entry. But jokes aside and game aside, I can only take my hat off to this man and his effort for the tournament scene.

Sadly didn't get to play Daio. It feels like a tradition to face off against him in FellowsTV hosted tournaments. Which always goes the same way tbf. He counters my playstyle hard, I'm annoyed to play against him, don't bother changing my playstyle in order to win, get demolished. But the tradition counts!

I'd put Neer in the same boat. Hate playing against him but it just kinda has to be.

How did you get into Lethal League?

A friend bought it for me. We played a couple of games, he had to leave. I went into QM, found Garu, got absolutely demolished, he friended me and pulled me into it.

I specifically remember seeing his Latch corpse juggles and thinking "Man this is so cool, I want to be able to do this too". So right of the bat I started to play for the style, which is what I still go by.

Style > Efficiency

It feels bad not having paid for LL nor Blaze but I bought LL for a bunch of friends so guess that checks out.

What's your current Lethal League experience?

450+ hours in LL 340 hours in Blaze (As of now. 26.4.2019) And a giant bunch of hours of community interaction and modding.

I was very excited when asked to be beta testing and it fulfilled a childhood dream of being in video game credits.

Despite only getting into Beta a month before release, I stacked up 90 hours before the game came out. Lots of 9 hour playtime days. It was massive fun.

I bought almost all of the merch...got most signed by Tim & Dion too. I went to the Netherlands twice to meet TR. It was fun, they are cool people. Watching Dion doing a live dance off was pretty rad ngl.

I brought self made cheesecake the second time, but Tim had to get it into the building since they check your bags for normal visitors and it wasn't allowed to bring food.

I'll never forget the sight of Tim with his big bag looking like he's smuggling a bomb into a convention.

Who are your main/side/counter character picks?

Everything. So yes random, it's random.

However I most enjoy playing Nitro because of all the dumb things he can do. Especially flying, cuff storage (specifically for down angle on the ground, to just pull a little bit forward) and half pull.

Doombox is also very fun. Special>bunt>smash>parry>special>repeat can chain pretty often on some opponents and is hilarious.

The only characters I "despise" playing are Toxic and Sonata. But only because I'm really bad with them.

What are your favourite character outfits?

Dust and Ashes. Just their whole design.

For real tho. There's not really skins that stick out to me since I use my own modded ones.

Can you share your favourite/most used custom outfit?

Hm I missed that that's not "outfits"...well take a load of skins! In order

Mothyman Jeviman Spacetor Golden Switch Drop Palette Sonata Supercharged Latch PaDice-a the Rapper Skull Grunt Supercharged Grid Supercharged Doombox Dropbox FYouBox Nitro with a blue, white and mint color scheme I made for every character and lastly my Toxic skin with that same color scheme

What are your stage preferences?

Idc. I play random so who really cares. I guess insert the usual "Paradise field eclipse succs!!!"

What input method do you use?

PS4 Controller Dpad for movement L1 Bunt R1 Swing R2 Grab

I used to play LL on a cheap SNES controller using only face buttons. When I was over at Dutch Comic Con with Serchiot I played a couple games of Blaze with his PS4 controller and really liked his layout and the feel of the controller. So I just sneakily stole his layout and got myself a PS4 controller.

Coming from all face buttons, I needed some time to get used to it. But in my opinion it's just superior this way.

How do you make your character montage videos?

I have two ways of recording clips. Just consciously recording with OBS or putting Shadowplay on and saving every time something cool happens. I usually just boot up Blaze and jump into ranked to get some games in. With the Toxic montage it was a bit different since I now have a 4K monitor but 4K can hardly be recorded at 60fps and setting the output resolution in OBS to 1080p got me weird screen effects. So every time I went to record, I put the resolution of my monitor to 1080p in order to at least get that in good quality. Then I just cut all the good clips out of the recordings and mix ‘n’ match ‘em. What's usually the hardest decision is what music to use. There's been a couple of songs that I'd like to use, but they either don't fit over Blaze gameplay, don't fit my playstyle or were just the wrong length.

My two favourite Montages are definitely for Candyman and Nitro. Candyman took a long way to develop, because I just wanted to show off so much. It's one of the few montages where I actually asked higher skill players for games instead of jumping into ranked. Picking the song was really hard, I was only sure I wanted a Klaus Veen track, but OD V2 was too mainstream and most others were too short. So in the end I opted for two songs with a break in between the montage. Splitting the clips into two sets, each song one. With the second part containing what I considered the more hype bursts.

And for Nitro I actually had the montage pretty much done, but I wasn't too happy with it. Still planned to just upload it like that tho. However when I saw the Nitro voice actor interact with a community member in a way that could only be described as "incredibly wholesome", I was inspired to redo most, if not all, of the clips and do the best I could. For the first time actually going into training mode to lab some combos (mostly corpse juggles tbf) and eventually learning Flying Cuff™ too. Watching JawDrops Blazin' Combo video and taking a slice off the Nitro plays there. Which resulted in a montage I am very happy with.

What other games do you play?

It differs from time to time.

The only games I always come back to are retro games like SMW, CTR or something like Mario Kart 8D. Which I always enjoy playing at local tournaments and pretty successfully so even. People just can't handle it when someone plays with one hand.

Atm I also like playing TBoI Rebirth.

Will you come to Stunfest?

Probably not. Driving/Flying over to France is just very expensive. I would love to meet all my Baguettes (Lusked, Jawdrop, Aru and Lalou, who stated he can't make it due to exams, yes I know). But exams and the neer-ing end of my apprenticeship is leaving a lot of work to be done.

So it probably won't fit into my schedule. However never say no! Trips to Blaze events aren't uncommon for me.

Is there anything else you’d like to say to the community?

Play the game for fun, not for glory.

Stop rubbing yourself for an imaginary title that doesn't mean anything as there's not even any competition for it.

I can't stress enough how great Soda City Funk by Tim Legend is. Go listen to it right now.

And for my last words. Be more like Kota. And remember, We love Ramkat <3

[cosmosogler]

hello everyone.

today i did actually make my lunch and get to campus around 11:40 or so. i worked for a while until rebika showed up, which is when i took a small lunch break, and then we worked together for about two hours. i finished two practice problems- one full problem, most of another, and 1/4 of a third. ammar came to help, and adamya made a guest appearance, and mainak also helped a bit. so we had a whole adventure. we didn’t solve the problem we were having, which is why one problem got left at “mostly finished.” 

i came home around 3:30 and got to work drawing. i talked with oz for a while, which was nice and kept me focused on my project, since i can’t read and talk on the phone at the same time.

i had an alright dinner, and i did my dishes and some chores, and i started listening to welcome to night vale. i really liked it so i listened through four episodes while i worked. hearing “the bus is late” as a “weather report” probably made me the most delighted i’ve felt in days. i was so surprised by this wonderful song.

comic wise i finished over an entire page of drawing. i’ve got four panels left in scene 3, and then scene 4 is also three pages. i look at the endless expanse of panels to finish before i can post these tiny story tidbits and i weep.

i ended up changing a lot of things from my boards but i think the final drafts of these next two scenes work a lot better as, like... showing the reader that we and nas don’t really know the main character anymore. her friend’s been replaced by a terrifying volatile asshole. 

it’s good.

anyway doing practice problems made me feel a little better again, even though i noticed i was STILL having too much trouble getting started on problems without a set of directions in front of me. when i almost fell asleep while i was actively in the process of writing equations in my ipad i called it a day. too stressed i guess. or something. maybe i need more sleep. i probably need more sleep in addition to my many other problems. snoopy isn’t helping.

i feel like whenever i bring up my feelings all i can think or talk about is how lonely i feel. makes me feel pathetic. this should be an easy problem to solve. i hate going through the process of making friends though, deciding when and when not to be “vulnerable,” getting furious with myself every time i feel like i overshared, beating myself up when i let a conversation die because i didn’t share... i’m 25! i’m almost 26!! i should be better at this by now!!!

i hate making friends and then getting ditched, or worse. it could be so much worse than getting ditched... it makes it hard to invest. it makes it hard to be interested in other people when i spend the whole conversation sweating over whether or not to tell this or that story, or share how bad i’m feeling. 

but the longer i go without talking to people the less interested i feel in it (even though the desire to be heard never goes away at all), and the less... “able” i feel to do it. reality gets all tangled up and things kinda happen around me and it feels like a dream. but i know i gotta get up and react to the world, because i know in my head it’s probably not a dream. and even if it is, when i get hurt in my dreams, it hurts! so either way i gotta pay attention, and i have no energy to pay attention.

i feel so powerless. when i would hang out with my classmates i felt so unseen. people would talk over me even after i had started a sentence. i look at these other people and i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to make myself likable to them and turn myself into a friend. i look at the physics problems and i don’t know how to make myself remember how to do physics. like if i don’t have the answer in front of me, the instructions, i just kind of look at it helplessly. even though when i look at the answer my brain immediately puts together how everything works and i am able to explain it to my classmates (their own math, by the way, i was following- they needed me to explain their answer to them). i feel so dopey. i have all these different things and ideas and i can’t put any of them together to make an answer. socially, academically, financially... 

at least with making phone calls and stuff i can write down a general set of directions and then follow them. you know, “introduce yourself, give some context, say what the problem is, wait for their questions.” i have clear small steps i can follow. 

but i have so much trouble breaking other things down. even doing the dishes i kind of gawk down at the sink for a few minutes. even if there’s, like, only a plate and a fork in there it feels like Doing Dishes, Which Takes Ten Minutes. 

i noticed last semester in therapy, with that counselor who made me feel bad, i couldn’t break myself down either. that’s what she was trying to do. break me into different pieces to see how they each worked in a more manageable way. but i couldn’t really get behind that idea. the part of me that feels sad all the time is the same part of me that likes doing physics. it’s One Unit, Which Has A Lot Of Feelings. untangling those feelings turns into a huge ordeal because i can’t break myself down into clear small bits that are easy to figure out individually.

i do that with words and ideas too. i have trouble distinguishing between things sometimes, or seeing what the point of separating them is. i could not articulate that concept (or lack of a concept, i guess) to harrison a few weeks ago and we argued about it for hours because i couldn’t make him understand how i saw it. i feel like no one understands how i see it because even i can’t understand how i see it. i can’t even figure out how to describe an example here. we were arguing about platonic ideals and perfection and i said the idea of perfection was complete nonsense to me. things aren’t “perfect” or “imperfect.” they just “are” how they “are.” 

i can see why the idea of a platonic ideal, the “perfect chair” or whatever, is useful for common language, but at the same time... that way of looking at the world lends itself well to seeing imperfections everywhere and judging those imperfections as inferior to that imaginary ideal. 

like christianity and sin. “nobody’s perfect.” you just are what you are. you change, and grow, and shrink in other ways, and you’re always changing in little ways even as you remain yourself, but that’s not imperfect or perfect. it’s just existing. 

and yet... i argue semantics endlessly and i never get bored of making stupid distinctions between words, choosing every one carefully, even when i’m just rambling for hours like this. picking apart other people’s words. why do i even care? do i know what they meant? do they know what they meant? why is the distinction there so important to me when i don’t even like the tools we use to make language into coherent communication? 

see i got all turned around. i wanted to talk about why i’m having so much trouble solving physics problems and it turned into an overwhelming philosophical question. navel gazing. i can’t tell if it’s a bad habit or not. probably a mixed bag. it’s not helping me right now.

i feel like... there’s something wrong in my life. something wrong in the way i am able to interact with my life. that disconnect is making all these different aspects of my life break and become much harder than they need to be. much harder than they are for “normal” people. 

i could blame my upbringing. i could blame my parents. i’d probably be right, too. but at some point i gotta get up and move on and take care of myself and start having all those skills that normal people my age have. like basic problem solving. “learning how to think critically.” and i feel like i’m not doing that. but i have no idea how to even start. 

worse yet, i get the feeling i probably do have those skills and there’s something else i’m not getting, but i can’t see the ACTUAL problem because my confidence is all shot to hell.

i can’t tell what’s really happening. i can’t tell what’s real. i wish someone else could tell me or teach me how to tell for myself. i have no idea how i look to other people, and i have no idea how to describe my personality or my being most of the time. i have no idea how to describe my life other than “i am very unhappy now, and i have been unhappy for a very long time,” and i know that comes off as pathetic and most people will just call me a pessimist. 

but i am, truly, very unhappy. and i have been for a very long time.

[flexi-lexi]

(/ω＼)ﾟ.+(〃ﾉωﾉ)ﾟ.+°50 More Interesting Questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

tagged by: NO ONE BUT @matsujunkie WANTS TO KNOW MORE ABOUT RANDOS SO HERE WE GO

1. What kind of food can’t you stand?: Bland food--unseasoned, monochromatic, flavorless food. Like, I legit feel a specific kind of depression when I eat flavorless food.

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick?: Commuting to work because it’s such a waste of time. The dream is to walk across the street and just be at work, that’d be amazing tbh

3. Have you got any useless talents?:  I can type at like 94wpm lmao

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be?:  Public speaking--the sheer power behind good public speaking skills and general charisma is not to be underestimated.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking:  My bf let’s be real Also Emma Watson, Jay Park, T.O.P, Chris Pratt, Ryan Gosling, and Eiza González

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid?:  I played, played, PLAYED all fuckin day. When I lived in my house in the Philippines, I felt like I always had a million things to do--I’m playing kickball in my garage, I’m playing dolls with my sister, I’m playing pretend chef with my mom, so many things. And when I think I’ve run out of things to do, I’ll just watch cartoons lol

7. What is something you’re proud of?:  I’m extremely proud of my family, especially my parents who worked extremely hard and overcame so much struggle so that my siblings and I could have a brighter future. 

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate?:  Lack of basic compassion and consideration for others

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower?:  I don’t often consider myself a leader, but people have always said I exude the qualities of one. I’ll only be a leader if a group needs a leader. Otherwise, I don’t think I’ve ever been a follower, I’m more of a collaborator.

10. What kind of student are/were you?:  I consider myself painfully average only because I hold myself to a painfully high standard. I think I did relatively well in high school and college, but I was always very hard on myself in high school for not getting straight A’s or not going straight to a reputable university. I’ve learned to ease up on myself in college. Instead, I learned how to be the laziest overachiever possible in college. My motto was, “What is the least amount of work I can do to still get an A- in this class???” lmao

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life?: When I decided to sit next to some goody-two-shoes looking girl in 5th grade (lowkey because I was also a goody-two-shoes and I knew she wouldn’t judge me). We’ve been best friends for 15 years.

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion:  Cockroaches and the dark

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable?:  As much as she annoys me, Sakura from Naruto is probably the most relatable character because she’s someone who has so much potential but struggled so much to become a better version of herself. She annoyed me in her early days because she was so useless but I think that quality in her annoyed me so much because I’m also kinda useless and I hate that about myself haha

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties?:  I’m the social butterfly drunk; I suddenly become an extrovert and I’m just annoying af because I just scream my words at everyone. Alternatively, sober me is typically a recluse at parties--I will hang out with my phone, anyone I actually know, or the resident pet. Which is why I tend to drink at parties--I take the term “social lubricant” quite literally.

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone?: Yes, it’s the absolute fucking worst. I hate it. I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I’m trying to lower my expectations of people bit by bit until it’s at a safe level where I can look out for myself.

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends?: 1 close friend, 200%

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak?:  I am a neat-freak at heart and my dream is to stay that way, but I’m also a really lazy person who can’t be bothered to pick up after myself until something’s been on the floor for 5 months and I start to notice it again.

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy:  A porch on a gloomy October day facing an autumn forest. Alternatively, the same porch but on an early July morning when the sun is just creeping up.

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday?:  No kids. I’m very wishy washy about kids. I tell myself I don’t want kids, but I still think about it every once in a while. Most recently I think I’ve been having baby fever because I keep imagining what my child would look like if I had one with my bf and what kind of personality he or she would have and how they would call me as their mom (mommy? ma? nay? mi? who knows) and how cool my kid would be if I could get it to speak English, Tagalog, and Korean. I don’t know if this is just a phase or if it will only get worse and more insistent as I get older...

20. What was your favorite book as a child?:  The Thief Lord by Cornelia Funke

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about:  Juicing??? Why are people so into juice and like expensive af juice??

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated:  lol free education

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose?:  Probably my papa’s grandpa, Alex Sr. Three generations named after him and I don’t know a thing about him, who he was or what he looked like.

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday?:  Save a life

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat?:  I generally prefer not to rock the boat. I wish I was more straightforward, but the reason why I’m not is because I tend to get very emotional over things on which I have a strong opinion, and that doesn’t help me state my case at all. I think I’m learning to be more outspoken, though, especially because certain things just touch a nerve with me.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in?:  My entire middle school life and parts of my high school life was a dumb fad tbh lol

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for?:  Being punk/emo lmao

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable?:  Conviction; the ability to stand up for what you believe in

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.):  I guess it depends on the person or my situation? Like, my bf always gives me necklaces and he needs to stop my parents always give me furniture and household items because I’m always too poor to buy my own. But overall I don’t think I get any one particular gift on the regular...

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones?:  If by “speak” you mean “learned and know subconsciously but too afraid to practice,” then yes I speak multiple languages aside from English: Tagalog, Japanese, and Italian. I really want to learn Korean next, but where to find time and money......

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside?:  Probably the big city because I’ve always been a city girl and I easily get bored without stimulation. But I also tend to get irritated by excessive noise and hubub, so if I could get a suburb that’s closer to the city side (where there’s more to do than just eat burgers, watch movies, and go bowling), then yeah that’d be awesome.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving?:  The book All Quiet on the Western Front. I saw clips of the film adaptation in high school and thought it was the most boring thing in the world. But then I had to read the book in college and it nearly brought me to tears.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else?:  In my imagination, I crave attention and want to be the center of it. But irl I push that shit away because when the attention is on me I become awkward.

34. Favorite holiday?:  Christmas

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously?:  I think in my heart I’m a Type B, spontaneous, go-with-the-flow type of person, but when I try to be that way I just get anxiety because my mind is too Type A to allow it to happen.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.):  Italy, hands down.

37. What hobbies do you have?:  lol i hate this question because i’m reminded of how boring i am as a person watching TV, listening to music, reading, cooking, practicing makeup (a.k.a. watching makeup tutorials all day), occasional exercise, karaoke, eating, spending time with family

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have?:  I really want to fucking fly but if it’s only “mildly useful” does that I mean my power will fail from time to time??? Because I am absolutely not down to fall at any point. So I guess invisibility? Because the power itself is mildly useful--what the fuck am I gonna do with it? Eavesdrop? Become a voyeur??

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you:  It varies. 1) That I’m into cars (because people assume that girls aren’t interested in cars???) 2) That I’m a nerd (because I’ve learned to keep it on the DL lol) 3) That I wasn’t born here lmao (because apparently my English is “so good” lol bye)

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out:  That things pretty much never happen that way you plan or hope, but that things still somehow always fall into place.

41. Worst injury you’ve had?: All of my major injuries occurred when I was just a baby so I have no recollection of any of it. I think the worst was when a cookie jar fell and smashed on my tender two-year-old cranium lol

42. Any morbid fascinations?: Sure, maybe old-timey b&w crime scene photos, especially the super gruesome ones because when it’s b&w it’s somehow less nauseating to look at.  I also love “true” ghost stories and reading creepypastas and shit, even though I know it could potentially keep me up at night. Strangely enough, despite these fascinations, I still hate horror films. Go figure.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

43. Describe your sense of humor:  Lots of slapstick, good deal of self-deprecation, a little bit of sarcasm. Bonus: I have a great appreciation for dry humor, but I can’t do dry humor.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose?  As a historian, as much as I admire certain eras, I know better than to ask to be born in a time when I’m way more likely to contract polio or the bubonic plague or be enslaved by Spaniards. I also thoroughly enjoy modern conveniences such as running water and grocery stores LOL I think I want to be born in the ‘80s in the U.S. so I can experience the joy, excitement, and prosperity of the ‘90s in the U.S. It seems like a very minute difference given that I was born in ‘92, but I feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of the ‘90s because I was way too young to appreciate it.

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at:  ~ S P O R T S ~

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through:  Being kicked out of the house lmao Forreal tho, it was an extremely tough and humbling experience, but I’m really happy to be independent. Strangely enough, I feel like I have a much greater sense of love and appreciation for my parents now that they’re not always breathing down my neck LOL

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.):  Ugly tattoo in an inconvenient place. Because imho a tattoo in the middle of my face, regardless of the level of artistry, is an ugly tattoo anyway, and it’s one that I'll have a harder time concealing.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist?:  I’d like to think of myself as an optimist but I think I come off as a pessimist. Does that makes me a realist? I don’t know but I just told my bf to stop buying lottery tickets because he never wins. You tell me what that makes me lol

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you?:  If someone ever told me I was “cool.” Because I’ve lived my whole life never thinking I was ever “cool.” Not “cool” as in “I want everyone to like me,” but “cool” like the way I look at someone who has accomplished something that changed the world or someone who stood their ground and gave no fucks about what others thought or someone with a fabulous and unique sense of style. If someone ever told me I was “cool,” to me it means they see something in me that’s admirable or even enviable, and I can’t even begin to fathom how they see those things in me but wow ok yeah cool I’ll take it thank you

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you:  Over the years I’ve put up a front of being super happy-go-lucky, even though I’m actually not like that 100% of the time. So on days when I just don’t feel like engaging with people, people just assume I’m angry or sad about something like no I just don’t wanna talk to people rn bye

Tagging: anyone who wants to open up to me, @me because i find these things fascinating as hell

[heysnowflake]

I like to do these for my future self to read back on, but feel free to have a read yourself :)

1. What kind of food can’t you stand? Lime Pickle!!! I will never recommend anyone to try it... unless I really don’t like them xD 

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? Putting on makeup. I used to really enjoy putting on makeup but now it feels more like a chore. 

3. Have you got any useless talents? I can move one of my eyes independently. It’s because I have a lazy left eye and it’s very useless.  

4. If you could be really good at one thing, what would it be? Writing. I feel like I’m okay with some forms of writing, but if I could really good at writing fiction and be able to make a living out of it, that would be amazing. I have so many finished and unfinished fiction books/scenes saved on my laptop that no one has ever read. 

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking? Before I list off a few, I want to say first and foremost that I take personality into account quite seriously before I even decide if I find someone attractive. So, assuming we’re talking celebrity/fictional character-wise: Eddie Redmayne, Jack Frost (Rise of the Guardians), Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhal, Ian Somerhalder, Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, Russell Howard... I probably have more but they’re the ones that are off the top of my head. 

6. What was your favourite way to pass time as a kid? I used to be obsessed with fairies, my childhood basically revolved around them. I read about them, watched any VHS I could find that had them in it, I made fairy rings, etc. It kept kept me very busy. And yes, I do still love and believe in fairies, I even have a fairy tattoo to represent that. 

7. What is something you are proud of? My degree, actually. It was in a subject I never thought I’d get a degree in or even want a degree in but I can’t describe how proud I am to have it. I always thought I’d get a degree in English or Psychology but no- I have a degree in Business Management. I can officially put BABM after my name, like a PHD but less cool. 

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? Anger. If there is one thing I can’t stand in other people, it’s that. Whether that anger is verbal or physical or both, I will not put with people like that. 

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? It 100% depends on my company.. and my alcohol intake. I’m kidding- kinda. But yes, depending on who I’m with, I will adapt. For example, my old friends at Exeter, I felt like I was more a leader. But when I’m with my best friend or at work, I’m somewhere in between. 

10. What kind of student are/ were you? I WAS (it feels so good to be able to say ‘was’) a motivated student. I always took way too many notes, I would put 110% into projects, especially if I got to choose the topic, and I even used to help out others in my class when they needed help with homework, exams, etc. But don’t get me wrong, I would barely study for exams as much as I needed to and I would procrastinate a lot. I felt like I was much more motivated in secondary school and college years, but once Uni and freedom came around, I became much more... laissez-faire, if you will. Even though, I have to say, I learned vastly more out of my three years at Uni than I ever did in the seven years I spent at secondary and college. 

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? Going for a little interview at the nearest hotel/pub/restaurant just for part-time housekeeping work. Because now, just over two years later, I am the office supervisor at the place. PLUS, the main part of my job is taking care of the boss’ many dogs- it’s literally a dream job and I look forward to going into work everyday. 

12. Name your most irrational fear/ aversion: Irrational? I guess probably stairs. I have minor Bathmophobia, yes that is actually a thing. I’ve had a small fear of stairs ever since I was 3 and fell down a rather large flight. Since then, my legs have shaken every time I’ve been on a set of stairs. I say minor phobia as I can stand to walk up them, but -given the choice- I will choose an alternate option. My legs still shake but no where near as much as they used to. Funnily love, I actually live in a bungalow because of it, now that I think about it xD 

13. Are there any fiction characters you find especially relatable? As dumb as this will sound, I actually relate to Belle from Beauty and the Beast a lot. “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell,” and I do feel like I’m stuck where I am, though I do love where I am also- that’s the problem. I also am attracted heavily by someone’s personality rather than someone’s appearance. I also love to read too. Like Belle, I love to escape into another world for a while, and books are the easiest way to do that. 

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? If/when I drink, I am almost too kind. As in I will waste money on rounds of drinks for people because, even as a sober being, I love giving more than I do receiving. When very drunk, I can be flirty for sure, but I haven’t been properly drunk in a public place for a over year now. I am way more attracted to the setting of drinking in a house or a local place, where I’m surrounded only closest friends and family. That doesn’t mean to say that I completely oppose drinking on a weekend, I just... I’ve had a couple of negative experiences in the past that have very much put me off. But when I have been drunk, I actually tend to take care of my best friend as she’d normally get more drunk than me. I know my limits now. 

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? I... I... that’s a very good question actually. I feel like I tend to trust easily more than I do fall in love. But when I do fall, I fall hard. But I’m quite good at keeping it hidden and I will stay in love or crush on someone for months, sometimes years, on end. 

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? ONE BEST FRIEND, FOR SURE! In fact, I actually only have one friend really now and she is the bestest friend I could ever wish for. I’ve had many casual friends in the past and nothing compares to sharing a life with her. I do have close friends too at work, however, I’m very close with my bosses, and I know how lucky I am to have this kind of relationship with them. It is much better to be truly loved by barely any than it is to be barely loved by many. 

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? It depends where I am. And also the time of year. During autumn and winter, where I have more time to spend on being a neat freak, I am that. But during spring and summer, I can be slob but that’s mainly because I don’t have the time to be spend making everything perfect. But at work, I am a neat freak for sure, my office/cottage where I work is very squeaky clean. In terms of my appearance, I would say I’m a healthy mix. I take pride in my hygiene, makeup and hair. Nevertheless, I cannot say the same for my clothes. I indulge in comfort. It takes me a lot of effort to wear something other than jeans, leggings and boots.  

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you find incredibly cozy: a wooden cabin in the middle of the woods at night. The warm lighting inside contrasts the eerie and cold blue of the outside. The furniture is all natural wood and varying touches of red tartan all throughout. 

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? I do not have kids and I actually don’t plan on having them. It would taken an incredible circumstance or person to change my mind. I’d be much happier having ten dogs. 

20. What was your favourite book as a child? The Pig in the Pond by Martin Wadell. 

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about: I actually don’t know, to each their own. 

22. Name one thing you think is tragically underrated: Charmed- THE OLD SERIES, NOT THIS FANCY NEW SERIES WITH NO CHARACTER!!

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional, who would it be? If I can choose someone who is dead, Walt Disney. I just have so many questions. But if not, I would choose... Russell Howard, because if I’m going to be stuck to someone for a month, they might as well make me laugh. Plus he ain’t back to look a ;) 

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday? Travel. The only place I’ve been abroad is Disneyland Paris. But I want to experience more. 

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do you generally prefer not to rock the boat? I tend to be very vocal about my opinions, whether they oppose or not. I think it’s much more interesting and authentic to speak your mind and challenge someone. You can’t go through life just agreeing with everyone, that would make you and your life incredibly boring. 

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in? Probably Scoobies. They were the shit back in my day. 

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid, but now cringe at yourself for? Dumbing myself down to fit in. Kids, it is much better to admit that you actually are intelligent. The right people will love you for it. 

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable? Consideration. Considering others’ thoughts and feelings before acting. Putting others before yourself. 

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? Books and socks, and no complaints here. 

30. Do you speak multiple languages? I can’t speak multiple languages, as much as I’d like to, but I can read and write Ancient Runes. 

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? Countryside  in the end, though I wouldn’t mind living in a city for like a year or something. 

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? I thought I’d hate red wine growing up, but now it’s pretty much all I drink, alcohol-wise. 

33. Do you mind being the centre of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? I prefer the spotlight being on the other person I’m talking to. I love asking inquisitive questions and I thoroughly enjoy learning about another person. 

34. Favourite holiday? Christmas- no contest. 

35. Are you more of a go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? I love going with the flow, but there are definitely times where I feel I need a place. So, I guess a mix. 

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all again? Disneyland. I think about it all the time. 

37. What hobbies do you have? Horror movie-watching, gaming and watching gameplays, piano, street-surfing, writing, reading, composing, walking along the beach, taking quizzes.  

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? Telekinesis, that has always been my dream power.  

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you: That I can read and write Ancient Runes. 

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out: That not trying to conform, thinking that would make me happy, actually makes me happier. That being a collie is far better than being a sheep. 

41. Worst injury you’ve had? Probably a mahoosive bruise I got on my arm one time when I fell off a scooter. I’m honestly surprised at myself that I’ve never broken a bone. 

42. Any morbid fascinations? Anything to do with horror. 

43. Describe your sense of humour: Sarcastic, dry, nerdy and witty. 

44. If you had to be born in another era/ place, which would you choose? 18th Century Scotland- if you’ve seen/read Outlander, you’ll know why. 

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at: Pool, my boss will tell you that I am shockingly bad. 

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through: Waking up at 4am everyday for three years- because I wouldn’t have been able to get my degree otherwise. 

47. Would you rather have a really godawful, ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal, or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? Ugly tattoo, easy! Hey, it’ll make for a funny story, right? 

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? I endeavour to be an optimist. I also don’t set specific goals, that way I’m never disappointed. I just take life as it comes and do whatever i need to do to make myself happy. I’m very lucky in that sense that I have a best friend, family and great bosses to support me in that. 

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? “I’ve never met anyone like you.”

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you: People assume that I’m a know-it all and all tough with no feelings, which is mostly true, in their defence. But they don’t realise how much I hold inside. 

To my future self, hope you had fun reading this - 19/03/19