#((No media is above critique. Development does not excuse behavior and actions.))

[moody-avocado]

Kylo Ren’s darkest moment (self-destruction), a meta

“When you do bad things, you have something you can point to when people eventually leave you. It’s not you, you tell yourself, it’s that bad thing you did.”

Bear with me on this one, this is probably the weirdest meta parallel I have ever drawn, but I believe that it makes a lot of sense - I am going to describe the similarities in (unhealthy) thought processes between Star Wars’ Kylo Ren and BoJack Horseman, and explain Kylo’s rather merciless (at least initially) and self-destructive behavior on Crait, his relationship with Rey at that point, his fear of rejection, and externalization of hurtful feelings, using a brilliant piece of dialogue from the animated show! Are you intrigued (or at least, entertained)? ;)

SO,

Unable to sleep, I was binging on “BoJack Horseman” on Netflix the other night, and a scene that perfectly summarizes Kylo Ren’s behavior on Crait came on. 

For those of you who haven’t seen it, briefly, the animated series are about a has-been TV star of the 90′s (an anthropomorphic horse - hence the name), who indulges in various self-destructive behaviors. The series are generally funny, but quite often, an episode will have a downer ending, or a seriously profound moment.

Now, I know that some people think that Kylo Ren missed his opportunity for redemption (the Throne Room scene), chose darkness/power, and cemented his choice during the Battle of Crait. 

However, while I do believe that the Battle of Crait was indeed his darkest moment, I kept getting the feeling that the “no quarter” order on Crait, and Kylo’s berserk behavior are not him being dark for the sake of darkness, but that there is something deeper going on. Of course, concurrently, he could be trying to “snuff the Light out” by giving out the brutal orders. He did not seem to be very “into” ordering "no quarter/no prisoners”, at least not to me. 

The problem: I had not been able to put my thoughts and feeling about the whole situation into words, not until I saw the episode of BoJack Horseman called Stop the Presses.

I will have to digress a little bit here and explain how the piece of dialogue came to be.

In the aforementioned episode, what happens - as IMDb put it - is that a customer service rep gives BoJack some good advice when he tries to cancel his newspaper subscription. The customer service rep pretty much acts as a shrink for the main character in this episode. BoJack complains to her that as soon as things started going well between his roommate, Todd (he is normally cold towards Todd, and their relationship is not ideal), and himself, he ruined it by sleeping with Todd’s girlfriend, Emily. Amazing dialogue ensues.

So, the parallel here would be that things were going well with Rey.

While Rey did leave Kylo in the Throne Room, and did not accept his offer to rule together, she STILL did not kill him in his sleep, and she could have. Kylo does seem to have rejection issues, it is something that I talked about in my previous metas, and something that other people have commented on as well. I will not talk about the subject too much right now, but just mention that I think that it is obvious that he has a lifetime pattern of feelings of rejection (and,as stated in the novel, inadequacy) - starting with both of his parents, then Luke, followed by emotional manipulations by Snoke, and finally - being rejected by Rey. I firmly believe that he could have been moderate, despite Hux finding him in a fishy situation, tried to develop the situation with Rey further, and, at the very least - not have ordered the “no quarter, no prisoners” on Crait. 

Notice how after feeling rejected by Rey, and being a bit too dramatic about it, he went from not being able to harm his mother, to ordering having her murdered.

And here is one of the key phrases, in the pictures above - “You felt like you did not deserve (Tod’s) friendship and you wanted to somehow externalize that feeling into action?” 

Remember this scene?

What I think shows us that Kylo sees himself as not deserving of “friendship” and forgiveness are both the scene with Han where Kylo says that it is “too late” for him to come back home and the “you are a monster/yes i am” scene.

While a part of his violent and terrible actions is simply him doing things for certain, unrelated reasons, I do think that a part of it is Kylo externalizing the described feeling - he wants to truly be non-deserving. 

As the customer service rep puts it -

“When you do bad things, you have something you can point to when people eventually leave you. It’s not you, you tell yourself, it’s that bad thing you did.”

This is probably the most important of the parallels.

What makes it so important is that, at first, Kylo was not being rejected for things that he had done, but for simply being who he was - Ben Solo, a “complicated”, Force-sensitive child. When his parents sent him away to the Jedi Academy, to Luke, he had not done anything (yet), they simply did not know how to handle him (and the, pretty much - literal demon inside of his head). When Luke had an idea to kill him, it was not for something that he had done - it was simply for who he was, as a being.

I believe that it is much easier for someone’s psyche to deal with the idea that goes along the lines - yes, they hate me, because I have done xy, rather than - they hate me for being all that I am.

Unfortunately, I think that this sort of thinking (and feeling) got the better of Kylo Ren, and that he, simply put, started acting out.

While there is NO EXCUSE for such behavior, I think that this is a good explanation. 

I think that it is nice that at least after the Resistance flees, Kylo Ren seems to regret his choice, and does not try and pursue the Resistance as they are evacuating - that’s something that stood out to me, and I hope that the explanation is not that it would have been technically/logistically hard to do so, but that that was his choice. 

Again, I can draw a parallel between BoJack and Kylo (I do feel silly writing this sentence, believe me :) ), as BoJack DOES feel regret and has a guilty conscience.

There is also a mention of “control over own life”, but that is a different topic.

BONUS - I know that many people who are hoping for a redemption arc and/or are Reylos think that it was too early to expect Kylo to change in episode VIII, and that the key is that Kylo has to sincerely WANT to CHANGE. I certainly do believe that a more profound change has to come from within him, and that it would have been a bit too hasty if episode VIII went something like - Kylo likes Rey, they feel compassion for each other, Kylo kills Snoke, decides he wants to side with Rey, because it is the good thing to do. While it would, of course, be nice, I think that he needs to question himself a bit deeper, change his faulty beliefs, reactions, and so on, because that way, if (or rather, when (I hope)) Rey and Kylo get together, the union will be more firm, not easily shaken by his dark thoughts, feelings, and urges.

In the light of this (pun semi-intended), I present to you the scene where the customer service rep tells a joke - how many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb? The answer is just one, but...

And so, with that, I conclude this meta :)

As always, if you agree, disagree, or just wish to say that you liked my meta, all (constructive) critique, support, and discourse is welcome - please comment, it always brings a smile to my face! :)

Disclaimer: I own none of the media used or references in this text, entertainment and educational purposes only

[pleaseimtryingtogetbetter-blog]

An In-depth Analysis of Myself: the first critique

All the names are changed, and upon looking at the title there will be no end of self analysis. just letters upon letters to me, about me. This was written a few months ago, so who knows how im feeling now. try not to jude me too hard, whoever you are.

I'm so tired of feeling like crap about myself. I have good days and I have bad days. I'm so insecure no matter how hard I try to be confident. I like who I am on the inside, not the out. I know they say the outside doesn't match the inside, but what if it did? Is my outside appearance a direct reflection of who I am inside? Why do I look like this? Why wasn't I born beautiful?

I'm always going to be a big girl. And I'm slowly becoming okay with that. My legs don't bother me, or my arms. It's my middle. My large broad shoulders, the rolls of back fat that ruin any dress or short sleeve. And my big huge stomach that's never satisfied. I hate anything right on my body, anything that sticks to my skin makes me uncomfortable. I need things to be loose to hide the larger components of my body. Most just say eat right and work out, and while I agree, it's not that easy. All my life people think it’s okay to comment on my weight. The doctors, my family, and people who claim to be my friends. It ha always taken a dark toll on me, i developed self destructive behavior at such a young age part of me thought I was lying to myself. That I made up the eating disorder. I never ate anything. For some reason, it didn't bother anyone. They thought i was dieting because i only ate once a day. I got really skinny for my body type that summer. Going into middle school i slowly got better, until i was unhealthy in the opposite extreme. My parents ask why couldn't i put myself on another diet like i had before, they didnt realize i was sick. i didnt realize i was sick. i realized they couldn't see what i was doing to myself. For a while, I thought i was doing really well. I didn't deny myself what i wanted, and i felt comfortable.

Of course like all good things, it came to an end. I don't want to project this on anything other than myself, but i cant help but blame others. For some reason, i thought that since i was going to therapy i was getting better. Unfortunately thats not all that goes into it. The therapist can only do so much, the rest comes from you. Compared to my junior year, senior was way better. Or so i thought. Scholastically, senior year was better. My relationship with my mother was better. Everything should be going my way, but I'm still unhappy. I thought i kicked depressions ass, because i didn't feel so gray all the time anymore, once i realized i had everything i needed to be happy, good grades, great friends, and college acceptance, yet i wasnt, and that told me i wasn't cured just yet. I feel lousy all the time, plagued by mediocrity. Which can stem to all kinds of other issues, but for now let’s focus on my dissolving self confidence. Its not just my body i hate but my face too. My acne is crippling, getting worse everyday. Makeup doesnt do the trick anymore. At the end of the day the makeup wipe reveals the true ugliness beneath, not like the mask was any better. And for a while, i challenged myself to not wear makeup for a while. Sadly that only lasted a few days. You can have a great day, and one comment can ruin you. You see, my makeup less face oddly gave me confidence. Confidence to show who i truly am and to let myself breath. Ultimately, one comment destroyed that all in .002 seconds.

Remember how i said i didn't want to reject blame? Well I'm going to try and justify other peoples actions anyway. Jake is one of my friends. Honestly for a little bit i thought i liked him, but i only liked the attention and i often looked to him for validation because it was the only male friendship without any strict platonic mood placed on it. I can be honest with myself and admit that i was mainly attracted to the idea of us together because he was new, and i could make someone else jealous. However the stark difference between us enlightened me to see that we could never be together because we would never work. He is the opposite of what i want. He isn't goal driven and is often derogatory. Yet, I still look to him for validation just the same. Anyway, for some unknown reason, the last month he has made constant comments on my appearance. Im not entirely sure if he always did this, and I'm just barely noticing, or he is stating because we are slowly becoming more comfortable with one another. He has made comments that have really hurt my feelings. And it is a consistent behavior with him. He has made comments on my weight, my body, my height, my behavior, and my acne. He has made attacks on almost every inch of my being. And what angers me the most is that i often defend hid behavior to my friends. The last few weeks, there has not been a class period where i have left without feeling gross about myself. I excuse this behavior because i know he is equally insecure about everything i am in different perspectives. Yet, this behavior towards me is not acceptable. His comments destroy any inch of confidence i have left in me. I try not to comment on peoples appearance and if i have, i apologize. Jake also suffers from acne and we talk about it a lot. On my no makeup challenge, i anticipated a comment from him, and i shouldn't have to. he said “now that I've seen your real acne i feel better about mine” How does he think thats okay to say to someone who is obviously insecure about how they look? I wear heavy makeup, and he has commented on that as well. Why do people feel the need to comment on my appearance and attack the most vulnerable parts of me? If it can't be fixed in 5 minutes don't say anything. His verbal abuse, while unbeknownst to him, real contributes to my own self hatred. It fuels my fear of being unwanted. He is a close friend, but also a bully in my life.

Fear of being unwanted undoubtably comes from my father abandonment. He left at a young age for reasons I'm too scared to know and i have zero memories of him. I am extremely thankful for my mother and all she has done for me, but there isn't a day that goes by that i don't think about him. Why did he leave? Was he not ready for a child? He has other children with another women and i often wonder if they know about me. Either unfortunately or fortunately, daddy issues is a common trope in todays society. I connect with many characters in media. Like Barney from How I Met Your Mother, Rebecca from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and Gabriel Iglesias’ own experience with his father. Like them, my father tried to contact me when i was about 15. Ultimately i said no and did not want contact with him. At 18, i am still not comfortable with the idea of having a relationship with him. He has hurt me deeply and I am not ready to forgive him for that. His abandonment makes me feel like i wasn't enough for him, and that i never will be. Probably the reason i find it so hard to connect with males. I can never truly trust them, much like i can never truly trust anyone because everyone leaves me in the end.

One thing i want to talk about is what happened with Oliver. He is not guilty in any reason, and if you look at it, a minuscule problem in my life. I finally got the guts to tell him how i feel about him, i kinda chicken out and wrote him a letter, but writing my feelings is more therapeutic than saying it, clearly. I told him knowing a relationship wouldn't result. And i think that that is the only reason that made me do it. Yes i genuinely have feelings for him, but i am no way ready for a relationship. Of course i want to make him happy and be with him, but i don't want to know what real heartbreak is, because I'm pretty sure i am heartbroken over myself. If that makes any sense at all. Anyway, i was denied and am okay with it. But it is another experience that makes me feel unworthy of anything real. I have never had anyone show interest in me, and while it is superficial, i long for a little attention. To verify that i am wanted. That i am beautiful. All of which i do not believe in, i want others to, and that is unhealthy. 

Compared to my friends, who are gorgeous, i am the ugly duckling, and I'm okay admitting to it because i know no one else will. Actually my relationships with everyone seem as artificial as my hair color. All my friendships and family relationships seem to be temporary. I know everyone has someone they like more than me. Jennifer is my best friend, but i know she secretly prefers Rebecca or Penelope over me anytime. Daisy is one of my best friends, but i know my recent actions have made her hate me and i walk on eggshells with her now. Isabella is like my sister but i know I'm a third option to her. Behind Yolanda and Trina, and Brandon, Im someone in the background to fall back on. Vanessa is someone i treasure but i know she would prefer a night out with Kristina or anyone else. I know it’s selfish to want to be someones priority, but feeling unimportant to everyone is real hell. I feel like people keep me around because I'm dependable, and I'm tired of it. I look out for everyone, so who the hell looks out for me?

I do the most for my friends. I go above and beyond for everyone, and i notice i set the bar so high for friendship i feel like i don't have any. I want someone to be there for me like i am for everyone else. I look at myself as a lone wolf, but being alone weakens you faster. I am unable to look inside myself and find real strength. All i find is weakness.

I am sick to my stomach because i am so disgusted with myself. I am scared out my mind because no one notices I'm not okay. I cant ask for help, because i don't want people to look at me differently. I am very candid with the fact that i am mentally ill, and pride myself that i go to therapy, but laying a lot of my flaws out on the table is not easy. i know that this paper does not contain all things that i do not like about myself, but for now it is an installment.

If I ever send this to you, i am not attacking you. I am not looking for attention or compliments or sympathy. I am simply being honest with myself and need to write it out. I am hurt and i can feel a self destructive behavior coming over me and this is a signal to be on alert for any alarming actions i might do. Do not smother me, it will only anger me. Do not bombard me with questions about my sanity or overly ask if I'm okay, as i am not clearly sure myself. If you reached this point i am worried that you are scared for me, and my safety. And while i feel that I am being dramatic and this is a crazy disclaimer, this is NOT a suicide note. I am not going to kill myself. I could never do that to my family and cannot put Jennifer through another suicide. If I ever send you this, I am sharing something very personal and ask you to keep this just between us and not show anyone else. I am someone who struggles with low self-esteem, depression, anxiety, sleep issues, and deep rooted fears. And while it may seem contradictory to what i have previously stated, I will be okay.