Beyond this Existence: Atonement, chapter 6
Ansem always had a penchant for strays, so it's not at all surprising when he takes in the orphaned child Ienzo. The boy's presence changes everything, far more than Even is willing to admit. Ienzo's brilliance seems promising, but the arrival of a young Xehanort pushes the apprentices onto a dark, cruel, inhumane path which will affect the future of the World. And even once it's all over with--once Xehanort is dead--they still must pick up the pieces, forgive one another, find a way to atone for their atrocities, and struggle to accept the humanity which has been thrust upon them.
Or: Even's journey from BBS through post-KH3
Chapter summary: Vexen returns to Radiant Garden and becomes Even again, but relationships at the castle remain tense and awkward. A new arrival further mixes things up.
Read it on FF.net/on AO3
---
He finds the boy outside, his eyes turned skyward. He looks exhausted; Vexen’s able to get uncomfortably close before Ienzo notices his presence. The boy’s head snaps down.
They hold eye contact for a very long time.
“Even,” he gasps.
He smiles. Sweat is crawling all along his body, pain in his chest; but he tries to remain composed. “Oh, little one. It is good to see you.”
“This was your doing," he says. “You… you could’ve told me, you know.” A wry smile.
“I’m a coward. What else can I say? The thought of speaking to you again was more than I could bear. This was the only way I could begin to atone.”
Vexen can see the weight of exhaustion within him. He’s positive the poor boy hasn’t rested a whit more than was necessary to remain alive. “I suppose you know you were successful,” he says softly. “Xehanort is dead. It’s over.”
Vexen’s feeling faint now. “Is that so,” he says.
“Even?” Ienzo asks. “Are you alright?”
He collapses before he can say anything more.
When he wakes, he’s in his own bed in his old quarters, not the med bay. His fever has broken, leaving him covered in a thin, unpleasant film of sweat. His body feels odd to him, achy. And while he feels a faint throb of remorse, it’s not nearly as strong as after the first reformation. He forces himself to his feet, wincing at the pain in his head.
All of a sudden he feels old; his joints ache in a disorienting way. He knows he’s nearing fifty (or, depending on just how long he’s been hiding, has passed it), but for the first time it’s a tangible number.
Even forces himself to his feet and lurches over to the mirror over the dresser. He’s breathing hard. He looks terrible--flushed, sweaty, his hair disgustingly greasy--but this doesn’t matter.
His eyes are green, not gold. The piece of Xehanort’s heart inside of him has perished. He knows this almost instinctively.
It truly is over.
Perhaps for this reason, he sinks to his knees and sobs.
---
Just because Xehanort is dead and Even is human again, that doesn’t mean there’s time for leisure. He’s weak and underweight from his weeks of hiding, but he tries not to spend undue time in bed unless it’s unavoidable. He stumbles through interpersonal contact--reunions, conversations--in a numb haze.
The castle is exactly the same, but it’s gone through hell. Everything is either filthy, or broken, or misplaced, or some combination therein. His own human clothing, when he roots through the drawers, has been eaten by moths and mice alike. And seeing that Ienzo has co-opted his lab coats for himself--in the moment he needed them far more--he spends more time in those early days sewing than anything. It feels good to make something with his hands.
His lab is desolate, desecrated, fragile glass doors broken, supplies stolen, missing, or compromised. He spends days cleaning and reorganizing. It doesn't seem to do much good.
They've been left another replica by one of the true vessels. It was its user's desire that it go to Naminé. With Kairi presumed dead, it was a logical fallacy to figure out how to seek her heart; he and Ienzo spend hours in circular discussion, but neither of them can come up with anything good. The best they can do is prepare the replica for implantation, and wait. Ansem, quietly, is nearby, as he seeks to apologize to the girl. Apparently he wasn't the only one who suffered a great deal of moral degradation. This is actually a comfort to Even, because as the days pass, his remorse again goes heavier. He lacks composure; often he gives in to fallacies of weakness, breaking down almost distantly when he has moments to himself.
It doesn't take long for Naminé to arrive. It occurs to Even that not everything about the heart is possible to understand. When she wakes, the three of them are there. It will always give him a thrill, to see the replica go from a genderless, colorless sort of mannequin to a realized human being.
She sits up. Slowly. She seems a bit dizzy. Ienzo tries to assuage her, but it's Ansem who speaks first. "My dear girl," he says. "I am truly sorry for what we've all put you through. I realize we have not made your existence easy; that, in fact, I have made it something of a hell. I hope that, with this new chance, you can find peace. And if there's anything--any small thing--we can do to assist you, let me know at once."
Naminé seems to struggle with her words. Even takes her vitals, notes with a distant pleasure how stable they are; she's taken to this body like glue, exactly as easy as Roxas and Xion did theirs. "Where's Roxas?" She asks.
"At Destiny Islands, waiting for you," Ienzo says gently. "Riku has arrived to bring you there, should you desire it."
Her blue eyes gleam. "Yes. That's what I want." She looks slowly at each of them, but it's Ienzo's eyes she seeks (she's had the smallest amount of trauma with him) when she asks, "Kairi… where is she?"
"We're not sure," Ienzo says. "Sora is seeking her… I'm sure he will find her, if he's determined enough."
Even has known Ienzo for years. He knows when he is lying. Zexion was better at it. Despite Ienzo's trepidation, Naminé nods. "Then I should wait for her," she says. "I can just… go?"
"Of course," Ienzo says gently. "I can escort you, if you like."
She shakes her head. "That's okay," she says. "Thanks."
"It's the least we can do." Ienzo gives her a gummiphone, a brief tutorial on how to use it. "So you can be in contact with your friends."
"My friends." She smiles. "He's just outside?"
"Yes. He'll be waiting."
They all watch her go. There are a few moments of awkward silence. Ansem faces Ienzo. "You've done well, my boy," he says gently, and though Ienzo nods, Even can see his eyes on the floor. "You should get some rest. You look exhausted."
"There's still so much to be done," Ienzo says. "The computer must be tidied up--I'm afraid the committee and Sark have--"
Even touches his shoulder, feeling the boy flinch just the slightest at the unanticipated touch. "You've worked so hard. I know human exhaustion is still unfamiliar to you, but your body is more fallible than a Nobody's. You need rest, fluid, and dare I say it, a few square meals." He tries to smile. "Please sleep, Ienzo. You are no longer so alone."
Even wonders if he's imagining it, or if Ienzo's eyes are watering. "I… will try," he says softly. "Please don't hesitate to wake me if you need anything."
"I'd much rather see you healthy," Ansem says. "Go, my boy. It's alright."
They watch him go. And then it's the two of them.
"Well," Even says. "I do have some affairs to attend to. I should like to write a report about Naminé's implantation."
"...Certainly."
Even takes a few steps, then hears Ansem's voice:
"Even?"
"Yes, Master?"
"How are you faring?"
He meets Ansem's rusty eyes. There's still something missing from them. "Healthy enough," he says. "Realizing I am old, as well as a fool. I've no idea where to begin unraveling what I've done."
"You're not the only one," Ansem says. He shakes his head.
"What is it you've done?" Even asks, incredulous.
Ansem chuckles darkly. "More than sit limply in the realm of darkness, I'm afraid."
"...I see." His heart is beating hard--anxiety, and repulsion. "If it's… all the same, I should like to take my leave."
"Of course. You needn't my permission anymore."
He scoffs a little. "I wasn't asking for it."
---
Even doesn't feel quite right; he doesn't feel at home here, and neither, he suspects, do the others. For the most part, they avoid one another aside from the lightest and most superficial greetings. Even knows he needs to confront them, for any number of reasons--their mistreatment of the boy Ienzo, the atrocities they committed in the Organization, the fact that they threw Ansem into the darkness--but he does not feel able. He doesn't feel able to do much at all, actually.
He can feel the basement in his periphery, its suffering, his own follies like a magnet--
Even finds it difficult to consistently keep down foods, to sleep. He knows it is likely stress, and he sees the numbers when he draws his own blood. But how to alleviate any of this pain? How to begin? How to start to atone?
With the weight of his own burgeoning humanity, he feels nearly incapacitated. He tries to write, to create reports detailing all that happened--if so to organize his own thoughts--but often he finds himself staring into space. For the first time he despises his awareness, his intelligence, because Even is acutely aware he is becoming depressed.
Nobodies’ minds largely reject mental illness, mostly to ensure survival of the body. But as a human, it’s all coming back, the repercussions. And if the mental health situation was bad for Radiant Garden before, now it’s completely desolate.
Worsened by facts of the Fall.
Ienzo brings him tidings of it, quietly--the young man went to visit with the restoration committee, to see if there was any more news worth passing on. He’d left his lab coat at the castle. Without apprentice or Organization garb, the boy looks downright strange in civilian clothing. His teal eyes are empty, and drawn from exhaustion. “Even,” he says in an odd voice. “Have you several moments?”
“...Of course. Ienzo? Are you alright? You look ill.”
“Leon was… catching me up on town affairs,” he says slowly. “I knew this world fell, and was restored, but to hear the stories of it…” He swallows thickly and won’t make eye contact. Even gestures for him to sit on one of the stools in the lab; he does, heavily. “He… was kind enough to insist that it was not our fault. But we planted the seeds. Even. ”
“...I know.”
Slowly, Ienzo nods.
“I’m sure what you feel must be overwhelming,” Even says softly. “You’re no longer used to emotion, how it physically impacts the body. But don’t let it weigh so heavily, Ienzo. You were a child--mentally ill and manipulated. This has nothing to do with you.”
“I should have known better. And that doesn’t begin to touch what I did after.”
He doesn’t know what to say, where to even begin. “Child--”
He swallows, blinking quickly. “I… I have something I must attend to.”
Even should’ve followed him, tried harder--but he can’t.
---
In strange moments, he finds himself thinking of Demyx. Not quite with fondness, or even concern, but curiosity and a sort of worry. If Xehanort’s heart had been purged from Even, it should have been purged from the boy as well--meaning he’s lost his means to travel. Yet, he worries. What if a piece of Xehanort remains? The others worry about it too, to a smaller degree; they talk about it in hushed voices. Easier to discuss this than the emotional rot.
It turns out he doesn’t have to worry long.
In a moment ripped clean from the past, Dilan approaches him in his quarters. “Have you a moment?”
“That depends.”
“There’s something I think you’ll want to see.”
Dilan brings him not to the med bay, but rather to one of the empty apprentice rooms--one of the ones that, had they been graduated, would likely have belonged to Isa or Lea. Even sees the black heap on the bed. “We found him about half an hour ago,” Dilan says. “He was asking for you.”
Even approaches Demyx slowly. He’s unconscious, shuddering--no doubt in the throes of a fever like Even was.
“Why has it taken so long?” Dilan asks.
“Dilan, I know it’s been a while since we’ve been researchers, but I trust you did not forget about relativity.” If Demyx has been shuffling from world to world--each with its own different time signature--it makes sense that, to him at least, this is only happening now. To his body, Xehanort has only just been defeated. “I know what this is. The part of Xehanort’s heart that’s been instilled in him is dying.” He rolls up the boy’s sleeve, begins taking his vitals, wondering all the while if his were anything like this. Racing heart, fever, low blood pressure. “Would you do me a favor and get the boy some blankets?”
“Will he--” Dilan hesitates, and his lip curls. “What will become of him?”
“I’ve no idea.”
“But this means he is--”
“Unable to leave Radiant Garden, yes.” Even looks at him. “Please. Sooner rather than later. He is very unwell.” As gently as he can, he eases off Demyx’s boots, his ragged and muddy coat. No doubt as soon as the pain started, the boy sought him for help--he knew no one else to turn to. He settles the boy onto his side, a precaution in case he should vomit, and covers him.
Dilan watches this with a sort of morbid fascination. “He really did help you?” he asks, incredulous. “He really… turned against the new Organization?”
“In his own way. I’ve no idea why--but I’m grateful.”
“I should tell the others.” He shakes his head. “Do you remember the boy’s name, from the old life?”
Even frowns. “You know, I don’t,” he says. “I’m afraid I never paid much attention to the neophytes.”
“Very well. I’m sure he’ll tell us when he wakes.” With a scowl, Dilan leaves.
Even brushes a strand of hair out of his own eyes and looks back towards the boy. “You couldn’t bear to let me have a moment of peace, could you?”
Almost as if in response, Demyx shudders more intensely and curls in on himself.
Even sighs. “Very well. My work is cut out for me, I see.” He takes a pen light out of his pocket, pulls the boy’s eyelid back. Unpleasant, yes, but he has to know. The boy doesn’t react hardly at all. Even notes with relief that the small sliver of iris he can see is Demyx’s natural teal. “Get some rest,” he murmurs. “Goodness knows you’ll need it.”
It isn’t long before the cavalry comes. Ienzo and Ansem, in tandem, like nothing’s changed. Ienzo’s expression is stricken; morbidly fascinated. “...He’s not a vessel?”
"I don't believe so. I've already checked his eyes. Not gold. Look." He demonstrates for them.
He hesitates. “Do you think he’s trustworthy?”
"I do not believe he'd cause any harm to us," Even says. "He was rather helpful with the replicas."
"The boy holds no ill will. We did not speak much, admittedly, but he seemed all too happy to get a move in edgewise," Ansem says. "I believe he was merely swayed. And we can sway him back to us, if need be."
"I'll monitor him, but he should be up and about before long." Even shakes his head. "Nasty business. At least it's all over now." He takes the coat. "I'll put this filthy thing in the wash with mine. Best to hold onto. Just in case." If he’s learned anything, it’s that nothing is impossible.
Ansem follows him out the door, but Ienzo remains, an odd, unreadable look on his face. “...This is what you went through?” he asks softly.
Even looks over his shoulder. “Oh, yes,” he says. “Much the same. It’s just us that went through it this way. He’ll be human before long.”
Ansem nods. “I suppose you and he only have fragments of a heart, rather than a whole one, like the others.”
“...I presume.”
“What does that… feel like?”
Even stares at him. “I’m still puzzling that one out, I’m afraid.”
Ansem nods slowly. Like the rest of them, the clothing he’s bought is secondhand; gone were the days of pristine, professional garb based on their status. Back to patching, darning, mending. He looks more like someone’s grizzled grandfather than a former king.
Even’s sure he himself doesn’t look much better. “I should like to draft a report about this,” he says. “Unless there’s something else you need.”
“We should figure out what to do with the young man,” Ansem says.
Even shrugs. “Demyx is an adult. As… eccentric as he is, he’s capable of deciding his own fate. Nor is he an amnesiac. Once he is well, he can leave.”
Ansem sighs. “Should he have nowhere else to go?”
Even scowls. “You and your strays,” he spits. “All that’s done is get us in trouble.”
The little readability in Ansem’s expression is quickly replaced by indifference. “You’re a different man, Even.”
“Well, what did you expect of me? It’s been twelve years, multiple transfigurations of the self. I’m no longer so amenable, and for that I apologize.” He feels his nostrils flare.
Ansem smiles darkly. “No, you’ve hardened.”
“I would not have survived the alternative.”
The words fall, heavily. Ansem crosses his arms. “...Quite. Well, I’ve my own work to do.”
Even launders both cloaks, revulsion making his skin prickle. Demyx, when he checks, is still unconscious, though his fever has broken. He’ll wake soon. He’ll likely have many annoying questions. Perhaps Ienzo can field that for him--the boy seems to have more patience now that he’s human.
Even, on the other hand, has less.
---
Demyx’s presence does shift things. To Even’s annoyance, the boy truly doesn’t have anywhere else to go. It’s as though he’s puncturing a hole in their insular world, forcing them to confront things they wouldn’t have otherwise. He’s quieter, less effervescent than he used to be. For the most part, he seems unsure of what to do with himself. This is perhaps the sole thing, aside from their reformation, he and Even have in common.
He examines the young man one last time. Aside from being too thin, he’s otherwise healthy. “Now, tell me, what was the process like for you? I’m still trying to understand it. We were the last two Nobodies whose reformation didn’t necessitate some sort of murder-suicide. It goes against almost everything we’ve learned so far.”
Demyx hesitates, flinching a little. “Painful,” he admits in a low voice.
When he says no more, Even scowls. “I seem to recall a time when I could not get you to shut up. Now, when there’s actually matters of interest, suddenly you become as taciturn as Aeleus.”
Demyx drops his eyes. Even feels his frustration building. Truly, along with anger and guilt, this is all he really feels.
“I’m trying to understand so that I can help you,” Even says slowly.
The boy takes a moment to gather himself. Gone is Demyx’s quick, though nonsensical, tongue. Even wonders if there’s some deeper change, if his sense of self has shifted like Ienzo’s. Of course it would impact the younger members all the harder. Even himself dimly remembers those days (a lot longer ago than he would like to admit), when the struggle to find oneself was a constant. “It just started hurting at one point,” he says.
Even jots that down. “Your heart?”
“Yes. Well, I guess not technically. And then the pain just got worse, and I felt like I was dying, and then I tried to open a corridor to find you, but it took a few tries. I passed out and then when I woke up it was gone.”
That all tracks with Even’s own process. “Yes. Yes, my experience was similar. Did you experience weakness, feverishness, and delirium as well?”
He shrugs. “Well I did have dreams--but they’ve stopped.”
Dreams? All Even can recall is darkness. “What kind of dreams?” he prompts, the words nearly coming of their own accord. The curiosity, the desire to know more.
“I… I don’t know. This place I don’t quite remember. Something about Keyblades.”
“...Fascinating,” Even mumbles. “I wonder if you were seeing some of Xehanort’s memories.”
“...Maybe,” Demyx says, flinching a little.
“But if that fragment had bound to you so tightly, I’m surprised it let go as easily as it did. Perhaps Xehanort willed it when he passed.” If only he had other vessels to interview--
Then again, what kind of fool wants that?
Even looks into his eyes again. Still teal. No visible indication of anything remaining. Then again… if Demyx is dreaming… perhaps it might be good that he’s still here. “I have a favor to ask of you.” He hands the boy a notebook. “Keep track of your dreams to see if anything like that happens again. I will as well. Maybe we can divine some meaning from them.”
He sighs. “Homework?”
This is so typical. Of course he wouldn’t have changed as much as Ienzo.
“This is for the advancement of important scientific research!” Even snaps. “Don’t you see what we can learn?” He shut his eyes tightly, a headache beginning to throb. “Why did it have to be you?”
The boy glares at him. “Good question. I’m gonna go now.”
For several moments Even sits, his head reeling. There’s no need to be nasty to the boy, but yet it rose from him almost involuntarily. More like Vexen than Even. Though much too emotionally soft to be Vexen. He’s crammed somewhere between the two.
I’m too old to be dealing with this.
Before long, though, Demyx is back, this time with Aeleus. Something’s shifted. His eyes are wide, watery, and his breathing sounds wheezy, labored--
A sound of nightmares and hours spent consoling Ienzo--
“My powers,” he says quickly. “Where are they?”
Of course nobody else told him. He guides the trembling boy over to a chair. “It’s our biology,” he explains. “Now that we’re human, we’ve no need for our weapons, our powers.”
“...Our powers are gone?” he asks, his eyes dull.
“In all probability--yes. It’s unusual for humans to have abilities as specific and powerful as we did.” Nobody power is tied to the will, an expression of the self in the absence of a heart--though doubtless Demyx won’t understand this explanation.
“Can I get it back?”
“I never thought you cared about fighting.”
“This isn’t about fighting,” he says desperately. “Without my sitar, I--”
Even’s lip curls. “Oh. That. I’m not certain what I could do for you, Demyx.”
He says nothing, but his eyes are wide, horrified. But really what can Even do? Give the boy false hope? What would that achieve?
“You could have a look in the marketplace. You might find something there that might help you make noise. Now if that is all you’re concerned about, I have work I need to tend to.”
With a quick, pained breath, Demyx leaves. For a moment, Even sits with his head over his notes, trying to conclude. Slowly, like honey, he feels something seeping into him.
There was absolutely no reason to be so short with Demyx. Not when the boy has assisted him.
He groans a little and stands, pacing slowly. After a moment, he holds his palm out, calling gently towards his shield. Sure enough, he feels nothing. It’s gone back to sleep inside of him, no longer needed.
It will only be prudent, to follow up with the others. For his reports.
Dilan and Aeleus both answer in the negative when he asks. And while he knows what Ienzo will say--well, it never hurts to be thorough.
The young man is camped at the computer, where he’s more or less lived these past few days, combing through the disaster that is now their archives. The committee saw fit to completely overtake the computer, and whatever codes it’s been fed to try and decrypt things has it working poorly. Ienzo was never particularly interested in computer science; what does the boy need to know?
“Have you a moment?” he asks.
Ienzo does not even look up, still pulling things this way and that. “Of course. Whatever is the matter?”
"You no longer have any of your Nobody abilities, correct?"
He looks up, squinting. “That is correct. Why is it you ask? You haven't either, have you?"
"I have tried, and I cannot," Even says. "I wanted to make sure. He found out."
"Who? Demyx?"
Even nods. "I wonder if my tone might have been too sharp. He did look rather distressed. But what is it I'm to do? I'm not a miracle worker. And if I'm being honest, I'm quite content with how silent things are around here."
"Strictly speaking, there is nothing we can do. Aside from have patience. Oh, that reminds me. I was supposed to have dropped off those clothes. My memory has not been great lately."
"You've had a lot on your mind," Even says gently. "I suspect we all have. I'll be glad to not see another one of those infernal cloaks. So drab. So… cult-like."
Ienzo looks back at the screen. "Master Ansem said essentially the same thing. I suppose I should take care of it now." His expression is grim, unhappy. Even’s glad that he’s not the only one feeling negatively about this.
"I shall walk with you."
The decay has only seemed to grow more noticeable. Water damage and erosion abounds, and everything is full of filth. The heavy carpets, once beautifully embroidered, are threadbare. For some reason Even feels the need to chat, to engage. The boy looks so wilted. "It's a shame. Things here were once so beautiful. If the committee were not so busy we could use their assistance. This place is a shell of what it once was."
“You have to admit it feels rather significant.”
Ienzo and his metaphors. The boy never did give up reading. "Too on the nose, for my tastes.” He shakes his head. "We're not shells of who we once were. We've changed and adapted. You most of all. I miss being so pliable."
But Ienzo does not receive this as a compliment. “So I’ve heard,” he says darkly. “I assure you it is not as easy as it looks.”
He wishes Ienzo would tell him about it. “My apologies.”
Ienzo hesitates. “If only times were simpler," he says. "I feel as if I've no time to look after myself--what with Sora's disappearance and Demyx's arrival."
"Sora's disappeared?" He knew of Kairi’s death--but he figured the fool would be back by now.
Ienzo smiles tiredly, and explains in a few clipped sentences that Sora sought to find her heart. Despite the gummiphone, everyone has lost track of him.
Even blinks. “How curious. I wonder if there’s any of his data somewhere?”
"Sora's? I do not know. I'm not sure how his friends would feel if he were a replica, though."
Even sighs. "I've tried to recreate Sora's heart, and we know what happened with that," he says. "As proud as I am of Xion's sentience and personhood, unfortunately his heart is so special that it seems to be a moot option. Best not to give them hope."
It’s the hesitation that tells him everything he needs to know.
"I thought I'd taught you better," Even says.
"You should have heard Riku's voice."
"I'm surprised you feel so strongly about him, not when you have such poor memories of him." Riku was nothing but a thorn in their side at Castle Oblivion--defying the odds, resisting all attempts at control.
But Ienzo’s reaction is completely inexplicable--he flushes and raises his voice. "That was your replica, might I remind you," Ienzo snaps.
Even raises an eyebrow. "The Riku replica? What about it?"
He stops cold. “Never mind.”
There’s something going on here. “Boy, tell me,” he says sharply.
Ienzo’s tensed; his hands hover near his throat (in a flash, Even remembers the bruises, the scars).
“Ienzo?” Even prompts.
The boy gasps, a pained sound; fear floods his eyes.
“Oh, Ienzo.”
"If you must know," Ienzo forces out between breaths, "Axel had the Riku replica kill Zexion."
"He did?" Even laughs, despite himself. "Axel killed Vexen." And yet somehow the bastard became a guardian of light. Such brutality. But he has no time to think about such things; Ienzo’s distress is clearly the priority. “How is it you’re feeling?”
His voice brings back a gut-punch of memory. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand what it is I’m feeling.”
He tries to soften. “Intense, paralyzing panic?” he offers.
“Yes--perhaps--” He’s breathing like it hurts.
"You should sit down and focus on modulating your breathing," Even says. He helps the boy down to the floor. Aside from his size, it’s almost exactly like all those times before. "It's alright. This is a normal reaction to recalling something traumatic-"
"Believe me, I know," Ienzo hisses. "I am perfectly aware of what this is." His eyes belie the opposite.
"Count to ten," Even says. "Deep, steady breaths."
Even sees him struggle to bring himself back under control. The wild, barely-contained agony he saw when he first reformed is back, flooding Ienzo’s every breath. He feels his heart begin to ache, dully. “Why is it you do not feel that way?” Ienzo asks.
"Perhaps my heart is not quite as developed as yours," Even says. "Perhaps it is that I have not processed it all, yet." Yes, that’s it. No wonder he feels so scrambled.
"I do not wish to speak of it at the moment," Ienzo says thickly. He pulls away from Even’s touch. "I must… I must go."
By the time he can find the courage to say it, the boy’s long gone.
“...Wait… Let me help you…”
Perhaps it’s because of Ienzo’s panic attack, but Even finds himself remembering that moment with utter clarity. Begging for mercy, for his life. Being struck, twice, pinned down like one of his own experiments. Then a fire within, so bright and hot and not at all instant.
Again, he cannot keep down his dinner. This will not do.
Even tries to rest, because he can feel his body crying out for it--but despite what he told the boy, he can’t respect his own weakness. He dresses, flinching as his fingers brush the scars (he still has not seen himself fully in a mirror, and he surely doesn’t plan on it any time soon), and begins walking. He has any amount of things to do, but he cannot bring himself to go to the labs. So he walks, noting the autumn chill. He’s forgotten how frigid Radiant Garden can be in the fall and winter; normally he would not mind, but he no longer has Vexen’s immunity to the cold.
“Even? Is that you?”
He pauses; but it’s only Aeleus. “On a round?”
The man shrugs. He’s wearing no uniform, carrying an old flashlight. “I… was feeling restless. Were you as well?”
“...Quite.”
“Would you mind if I… joined you?”
Even immediately tries to reject the invitation, but finds himself saying instead, “Not at all.”
So they walk, for a long time in pure silence. It doesn’t feel awkward, but it’s not comfortable, either.
“You’re… alright?” Aeleus asks slowly.
Even blinks. “I…” He begins.
“I know,” Aeleus says.
Their footsteps seem almost deafening in the darkness. The night is so calm, Even notes; with darkness withering, it’s cool as silk. “Tell me something, Aeleus.”
He chuckles. “That depends.”
“You… do you also feel as though you are in between?”
He mulls it over. The flashlight casts strange shadows over his features. “Yes and no,” he says at last.
This makes Even laugh as well.
“I feel as if… I’m meant to be here,” Aeleus says. “In this place, at this time. I will do what is needed, what is asked of me, humbly. And be pleased my fate is not worse.”
“...That so,” Even says softly.
“I wish to… find my own ways of atoning,” Aeleus says. “Mostly… I would like to be here for Master Ansem, for Ienzo.”
“...Have you spoken to him? Ansem.”
“Only for a few moments,” he says. “I cannot find the right words to apologize.”
The night seems suffocatingly silent. “You were there, that night?”
“I… yes.” He looks at his hand, clenches it into a fist. “It was as though something came over me… enabling all the most evil pieces of myself. To give that final shove… was easier than I want to admit. But it’s his eyes I remember most.”
Even cannot catch his breath.
“It wasn’t betrayal, not like you think. He… he looked at me, and I could tell he knew, knew what we'd done. He said…” Aeleus exhales heavily.
Even touches his shoulder, feels the tension there. “You don’t have to tell me.”
““I thought you were stronger than this.””
“That’s what he said?”
“...Yes.”
Even gives Aeleus space, silence. He admits slowly, “I was going to run.”
“With Ienzo?”
“Yes.”
He digests this. “I wonder what would have happened.”
---
There’s no point in thinking about what might have happened. Because it didn’t. Even isn’t naive enough to believe fate steered him on this path; he’s done this all to himself, to the boy, and to the others as well. The guilt cuts him like a knife.
Where to begin?
The question cycles in his mind over and over again. As he composes his reports, sitting there, alone, like nothing has changed and yet everything has changed.
Where has the time gone?
They’ve all suffered and aged, but have they grown at all, the way he told Ienzo they have? Himself, especially?
How can he begin to erase his sins?
Can he plan while his heart feels like it’s rotting?
5 notes
·
View notes