#(Hey ya'll. I'd apologize for being absent a lot but there aren't a lot of people here to apologize TO these days aha)

[perpetualxfire]

(Hey ya'll. If you're reading this, aha.)

(So, obviously, this community has been really quiet, so my absence probably isn't a stand-out around here, so I guess I don't really need to apologize for that; I mostly just... Need to get some stuff off my chest. It's been an exhausting few months. My estranged grandparents were found lost and confused in an airport and had to be sent to a nursing home, their even-more-estranged-than-my-family step-children (who, notably, I've never even met - they were disowned before my father was born, as far as I'm aware) have stepped in, my sister and I are the only people they've signed off to sort their affairs, now step-grampa's daughter is trying to force us to sign over the beneficiary deed to their property so she can deforest the area and start a marijuana farm (which won't work - the soil is untillable, or my grandparents would have used it forever ago), which we think is her trying to side-step the state (she's been assigned as their... ugh, I forget the term, the person in charge of all their shit, there were lawyers involved, it's so exhausting) and convert all of their money/property into cash that can't be used in federal banks (because, you know, federal law concerning the whole 'weed farm' thing), since the current valid will splits my grandparents assets 50/50 between their kids - aka 50% to gramma's kids and 50% to grampa's - and gramma only has one (my dad) and grampa has three, and everybody involved intends to pass things along directly to grandkids (my sister and I, versus.... I think 8? on their side? I've never MET them), which is terribly unhelpful to them-)

(I dunno, it's a lot. My sister and I were more than happy to give an even share, since she's doing so much for them, but now that she's pulling shady shit, we're looking at getting our own lawyer involved, since my parents want nothing to do with the situation (understandably, long story) and won't step in, and like...)

(This isn't even about the inheretance? haha. I just... Don't like the disrespect? Like, I'm not gonna let you steamroll everything. The only thing I ever wanted from my grandparents when they passed are the dogs and the livestock, and when they asked me and I told them that, they immediately sold all of their livestock, one of the dogs was taken out back and 'put down', and the last one, when my grandparents were put into care, was sent to my parents who were going to help with vet bills - he was severely neglected - and after he was finally starting to look healthy, he developed a rapidly growing tumor and passed during emergency surgery, so... I dunno, I'm just tired, right?)

(Then there was my grandfather's "promise" that if my father didn't make up with his mom before she passed (she's been terminal for a while; could be months, could be years, hard to tell) he would shoot my dad and then himself, and... Knowing grampa, he's serious about that threat. That said, he's also in the nursing home now, and every time somebody talks to him he asks for a gun so he can break out and warns us to be careful before we get taken to. I... Feel for him, right? But he's caused so much pain that it's hard to care. Which... I hate saying. That's why we've got nursing staff with him. They can think we're all awful people as much as they want, but, like... I dunno.)

(There's a lot of spite in that corner of the family, aha. And manipulation. Never mind the actual falling out.)

(Of course, this isn't all that's been going on. Lemme see... We've had two ferrets pass away, one very recently, leaving one grouchy old man behind, my mother's father passed, and her side of the family is... Large, so they've been planning a celebration of life instead of a funeral so we can get everybody together, one of my aunts has been in and out of the hospital...)

(I guess I'm dodging the big thing, though. We don't have all of the answers yet, and my last test results are about a week overdue and I'm putting off calling my doctor to ask, aha, but after years of doctors ignoring me when I ask them to check my thyroid (I had hypothyroidism as a teen before basically running away from home to live halfway across the country and going minimal contact for a couple years - long story there, too) I finally found a doctor that looked a little deeper, and she found that my immune system is attacking my thyroid. Normally, she'd call it Hashimoto's Disease and move from there, but the issue is that my thyroid, at this point, is functioning perfectly as far as the test results are concerned. Basically, normally, the thyroid would struggle as a result of the immune system attacking it, and the brain would be like 'wait hold on you aren't producing enough hormones? work harder?' and the thyroid would struggle to keep up; the brain keeps sending signals, leading to a surplus of THAT chemical, but the thyroid wouldn't be able to answer, leading to a deficit of another; mine is "fine", according to that. So... We had imaging done. I know just from the images that were taken that there are multiple tumors, but the people who are analyzing them haven't gotten back to me yet (hence the call I'm putting off), and...)

(There's a very real possibility that I have cancer, basically. A very treatable form of it!!! And these could be completely benign! But based on the original onset of symptoms (tightness in the throat, trouble swallowing, feeling like tight collared shirts are choking-) being a couple of years ago, something needs to be done, benign or not, right?)

(And I'm just... So tired. And a little scared. Like... Not worried, because either way it's treatable and I'll be fine, right? But stressed as hell. Consciously I know it's going to be fine, but it's still causing a little bit of panic, aha.)

(I dunno, I just... We barely have money to pay the bills, medical expenses are exceeding what I can manage, I'm fucking exhausted all the time... I'm the kind of person who hates venting to people or putting this kind of pressure on anybody, but...)

(I don't know what to do.)

(Sorry ya'll, aha, I just... Needed to get this out, you know?)