#(i wanted to talk about nostalgia but its hard to without getting into vent territory. you can skip this post if its too much for you. -

[xxlethal-lunaxx]

Okay so I never really had birthday parties growing up, I had a couple when I was like under 8 years old but other than that I didn't have much parties. I would have some decorations at times but what I always had was a cake and dinner of my choice...my parents never had much but with the little money they had i always had my cake and dinner.

In childhood I loved my birthday routine, I would head to toys R us after breakfast and get my birthday crown and balloon (back when those were a thing) then I'd pick out a toy of my choice.

Sure I wanted birthday parties like the rest of my siblings got but when it came to money my parents didn't have much especially since my birthday is in December, they had Hanukkah/Christmas to worry about (my dad grew up Jewish and wanted to share the joy of the holiday with me and my siblings)

Besides I didn't even have much friends, my siblings and I shared friends and I usually wasn't a first choice to people....friends always had something going on or plans when it came near my birthday. It would make me sad at times but I had gotten used to it, I was happy to just have my family and birthday routine...that still didn't take away the feeling of wanting a party like all the other children.

I would ask sometimes to have parties but my parents would talk to me saying how it wouldn't work out, they did their best to make me happy but there'd be years I would receive 1 gift and I was so thankful to have anything. I had to be their strong girl, I was the oldest...I had to be strong, I had to make sacrifices for the family and understand it was for the better. I learned from a young age that the youngest came first and that I had to be mature enough to understand. All I wanted was for us all to be together and having that peace was enough for me. It was either birthday party/lots of gifts for me or Christmas for everyone....I knew I couldn't be selfish, as a child it can be hard to understand but what choice did I have...I wanted the best for my family even if it meant I couldn't be like the other kids.

When I was 15 my grandma and mother asked if I wanted a quinceañera, of course the idea was exciting cause it would be the first birthday party I would have had in years but I took alot of time to decide on it. I felt alot of anxiety build up because I had become more introverted over time...and my so called "friends" at the time didn't even care to text or reach me...so I basically had no friends at all. I also considered the religion aspect, typically hispanics which celebrate this holiday are catholic and I myself wasn't. Sure I was baptized as a baby but other than that I never did anything regarding the church but my grandma was so set on me doing the church stuff and getting the blessings cause it wouldn't have been a "real" quinceañera if I didn't. (According to her).

It had to be early fall 2019 when I was inside a store with my mom...maybe a Marshalls or Rozz "dress for less" but anyway we were shopping and we got onto the topic of whether I'd go with having a quincea or not and when she reminded me about the blessing I told her right there that I'd turn it down because I didn't want to involve myself in a religion if I wasn't serious about it, not to mention the social anxiety of the whole church viewing me. However I did ask her if it was okay to have a sweet 16 instead, she told me it was fine and that at least we'd have time to prepare....well, things don't always go how we want it in life. As 2020 came along so did covid, the news and everyone talking about the dangers were frightening and most people just stayed indoors and didn't have parties. So I did not have a sweet 16, and it was a bit hard to cope with the fact that I wasn't going to, for once it wasn't my parents fault. I remember feeling upset that things never went my way and that covid ruined everything, I chilled out pretty much that day and stayed on the swing in the yard, listening to my favorite screamo songs.

I've gotten used to having no party and have pretty much a quiet day at home. Even tho a part of me wishes I could have a party I feel there is no point because I wouldn't have much people to invite, I don't want people wasting their money on me, and I don't want a big fuss...I feel its embarrassing for people to celebrate me and give me gifts I didn't work hard for or earn....thats just my view on it, I do want these things but its so hard to ask because Its nicer when things are done without having to ask. I would ruin it for myself because sometimes relatives would ask what I wanted and I'd say nothing but cry about it later because I just don't want to be a burden or seem like a brat for wanting things even if they aren't expensive I still feel wrong for having wants.

Its interesting how introverted I am and that I enjoy my new birthday routine. I like to just start my day off relaxing and trying to plan my day out, usually I'll listen to music. I don't like leaving the house unless I absolutely HAVE to, like on birthdays leaving the house gives me nothing but horrible anxiety...any other day is fine but birthdays are a big NO NO, lol. I've been choosing cheesecake as my dessert of choice since 2019, so I head to my favorite Mexican grocery store which has a great bakery area...the cakes displayed by the front are nice and I always get excited to choose the perfect cheesecake. For dinners I'll change them every year for what feels best. Honestly the past few birthdays (2021-2023) have been great and having friends to celebrate with me make my day alot better, it'd be nice if they could be here in person with me but I am greatful just for the fact I have so many great people wishing me a great day when its my birthday. Its crazy that this December I turn 20, this is my last year as a teenager and I honestly don't know how to feel but I do know that I want to do my best to stay in the moment and heal as much as I can.

Also now being diagnosed as autistic with adhd (+ other things) makes me realize I need to be careful for I won't become overstimulated...I mean in general but especially on birthdays when there is so much pressure and attention on you.

Anyway rant over, this was all thought of because i saw a toys R us post on a weirdcore/nostalgia blog i look at occasionally and it reminded me about my childhood and weird relationship with (my) birthdays.