#(makes carbonated beverages taste flat and gross)

[dorunasch]

went one whole day without even a little headache... merry christmas to me (*゜▽゜)_□

[spiceupyourkitchen-blog]

Seltzer Power Ranking

A post like this has been years in the making. 

Since I was a kid, I have been obsessed with seltzer. Call it sparkling water, call it club soda (yes I know that one has 10mg of sodium and is slightly different), call it fizzy water, call it carbonated water, whatever. I learned all of these terms when incredulous waiters would stammer, wondering why a little girl asked them for something random like “seltzer.”

I vaguely remember difficult co-workers the summer before college, when I worked as a camp counselor. “I only, like, drink seltzer if it’s a mixer!” my 16-year-old co-counselor unhelpfully chirped. Bless my innocence - I still didn’t know what a “mixer” was. She acted as if I had taken out a durian or opened up some Vegemite. Seltzer is not that niche, [name redacted].

Seltzer is something people who know me associate with me. My students have gotten me cases as a parting gift. Even they knew. There’s something refreshing about the crisp bubbles, a subversive reminder to your tastebuds that even water can be something special.

To rank all of the types of seltzer I’ve had in my life (list can be edited with additions BTW!), I’ve tried to standardize parts to best maintain an accurate comparison. My favorite seltzer flavor is lime, so I’m ranking lime seltzer, or whatever flavor comes close for such a brand. My criteria will be simply FLAVOR and CARBONATION, given a letter grade (#teacherproblems) for each.

Le’gggo.

10. DEAD LAST: SPINDRIFT

Each time I try Spindrift’s attempt at seltzer, I want to sigh and condescendingly say “Honey, you have a lot to learn.” Every one of its flavors tastes BIZARRE, and not in a cool way. Its cucumber flavor is disgusting. Thinking of it now makes me want to throw up. It tasted like a cucumber that’s been sitting at the back of your fridge and has started to get gummy. The carbonation is fair, though pretty quick to disappear. Spindrift thinks it can hop into the seltzer game, but it needs to taste a little more “crisper,” a little less “behind the Tupperware.”

FLAVOR: F--------

BUBBLES: C-

9. SAN PELLEGRINO

Apparently, San Pellegrino has “exceptional taste.” In what universe? Is our bar for exceptional so low? Even its flavors, which are harder to find for this brand (excluding Limonata, etc., as those are not seltzer) are rather bland. Flavor- and carbonation-wise, this is as robust as a light beige wall. The second you open it, the faintest “hsss” makes you think you’re getting promised carbonation. Well, it’s a trap. The few bubbles in here barely manifest themselves, and you’re left with flat water that is calling out for some form of added carbonation.

As I say in English, no. As the Italians say...also, no.

FLAVOR: F

BUBBLES: D-

8. PERRIER

Perrier is less available in restaurants, but tied with its Italian cousin above, it is one of those that people think I’ll enjoy when out to dinner. If the choice is SP or Perrier, I’ll stick with tap. Perrier is similarly boring. Its lemon (closest to lime?) flavor barely exists, though there’s a hint of it. When opened, a few bubbles remain, and the amount of carbonation drops significantly thereafter.  A hint of flavor prevents a last-place finish, but meh. No wonder the French revolted.

FLAVOR: D

BUBBLES: D-

7. LA CROIX

Like, sure? I’ve been known to drink this at times when I’m #seltzerdesperate and there aren’t any other types. But it’s so overrated. La Croix has become a hipster obsession, which prompted me to be a bit hipster about a hipster taste - as in, I discovered it first! But once I got over such frustration, I realized that I was disappointed by how crappy its bubbles are. They barely exist! The flavor is OK, though. In fact, however natural La Croix claims to be (and probably is?), the lime flavor is cloying and doesn’t taste very real. Hence my confusion at how intensely La Croix merchandise has proliferated. WHY?

FLAVOR: C

BUBBLES: D+

6. POLAND SPRING

I’d never associated Poland Spring with anything revelatory, taste-wise. It was bottled water! It never tasted super fresh, but it never tasted gross (looking at you, Aquafina). I was ambivalent when I saw its carbonated version at the grocery store. But you know what? It’s pretty good. The carbonation is impressive, though a bit more short-lived than that of its counterparts. The lime flavor tastes very natural, but it’s a bit too tepid and muted for my tastes.

FLAVOR: B

BUBBLES: B-

Now, we’re getting to such high rankings where the grades mean less and my ~*~feelings mean more.

5. STORE BRAND/PEAPOD/STOP-AND-SHOP SELTZER

For some reason that is #unclear to me, Peapod seltzer is one-and-the-same as Stop-and-Shop seltzer, down to its logo. It reminds me of my grad school days in Rhode Island, where this midwesterner was puzzled by a grocery store called Stop-and-Shop. What are you shopping for?? There are so many types of things, so isn’t that name vague? Plus, in my head, it is called Stawp and Shawp due to the Griffin-tastic accents I associated with it.

This brand of seltzer is pretty good, though, I have to say. Its carbonation is strong and forceful, and though the flavor quality can be variable, its lime variety always packs a nice punch. It’s not as memorable, but it’s very good.

FLAVOR: B+

BUBBLES: B

4. SCHWEPPES

From ginger ale to club soda, Schweppes is pretty good with carbonation. I always find its bubbles to be intense in level, staying intact for a while after opening. The flavor is a bit hit-or-miss: Raspberry lime is just weird tasting. Still, its lime variety (for which I cannot find a small enough image) has more than just faint echoes of lime. The taste and the bubbles work together very well indeed.

FLAVOR: B+

BUBBLES: B

3. CANADA DRY

Following closely on the heels of Schweppes, just edging it out slightly, is Canada Dry, similarly known for its similar array of carbonated goodies. What is it with Canadian-named beverages worming their way into Americans’ hearts? Remember Clearly Canadian? #RIP 

Canada Dry always delivers in the flavor department, with assertive flavors that never taste fake or “off.” Its bubbles are more intense and long-lasting than those of Schweppes, though both are good brands - we’re a long ways away from San Pellegrino and Perrier now! Canada Dry’s seltzer has zip, vigor, and moxie! If you drink it, you might also be at such a loss for words that you sound like a 1940s talent agent! 

FLAVOR: A-

BUBBLES: A

2. DASANI

Growing up and playing sports (HAHA just kidding, I did debate), I could always use water to quench my thirst. Coke-affiliated Dasani and Pepsi-affiliated Aquafina both had a terrible reputation of, uh, crappiness. I wasn’t that enthused by the idea of Dasani sparkling water, then. Yummm, the faint taste of copper pipes!

Well I was super duper wrong. Dasani must’ve done something right with its seltzer: The bubbles are intense and don’t let up. The lime flavor is downright intense, waking up your tastebuds and telling them that maybe they should reconsider their preconceived notions about water backed by companies that usually specialize in teeth-rot. I will shill for Dasani ANY DAY OF THE WEEK FAM.

FLAVOR: A+

BUBBLES: A+

1. CANFIELD’S

Canfield’s is the OG of seltzer. You might not have thought that that is A Thing, but it is indeed A Thing. I opened a can of Canfield’s one day and left it in my car. Two hours later, I returned and drank a bit (#onlygodcanjudgeme). It was somehow still pretty carbonated. Canfield’s knows its bubbles. Its flavors are pretty strong, too, though they don’t slice through your tastebuds, giving the whole sip a sense of balance. Canfield’s is life and my perpetual favorite. Forget La Croix’s overexposed mediocrity - Canfield’s is the true undiscovered indie darling. Drink some now so you can feel special before people make earrings out of it.

FLAVOR: A+

BUBBLES: A+