#(ooc: now... I KNOW this looks bad. But I do keep promises. I swear. /gen)

[showfallmediamaintenance]

[OOC: BEFORE YOU READ. THIS CONTAINS WHAT I'D CALL AN EXTREME DEPICTION OF INJURY AND A SUICIDE ATTEMPT. IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH ANY OF THESE. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO READ THIS. DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO READ THIS.]

[Video transcript begin.]

[The camera is placed at mid-torso height, Edgar paces in front of it, slightly further back, his hand running through his hair. There is a large building looming behind him, the windows are illuminated, some even appear to be slightly open, giving him a light in the dark night. He is very close to the outer walls. Uncomfortably close.]

Stupid fucking… ugh! 

[Edgar kicks a rock, sending it flying across the area he stands in.]

I can't keep checking messages. I have to go through with this, no matter what. I'm the issue, everyone would be safer without me. I have to do it eventually. It's for the best. They'll realize they're better off with me gone within a few days...

[A frustrated growl escapes from his mouth. He turns to the large building, then raises his hand up, fully showcasing the hole in his hand for a few seconds. He flips the building off, and puts his hand down.]

Fuck you, Showfall! Fuck you and your stupid shows. Your corporate hands are stained with the blood of innocents!

[The tone of his shouting turns melancholy towards the end as he lowers his voice to a regular volume, his rage dying out as quickly as it had come.]

And... so are mine...

[He takes a short pause. Turning away from the building and back toward the camera.]

That poor unnamed employee, Tom... Not to mention the countless actors my work as a mechanic has probably killed. Mentally adding 'murderer' to the list of reasons as to why I should be hit by a train. Not like it needed more, anyway. That list would be enough to convince anyone to push me onto the tracks.

[After 4 minutes of more pacing. Edgar punches himself in the leg.]

Why am I such a damn coward? I couldn’t even go through with it that night! Fuck–

[Suddenly, he freezes, an expression of realization appearing slowly on his face.]

Wait. What the hell am I even waiting for? I should just do it now before anyone can find me!

[A sad smile spreads across his face as he walks over to where the camera is resting. Only his legs are visible for a few seconds, and now that he's closer, it is clear that they are shaking slightly. Eventually, he steps back, a slightly larger, sharper stick in his hands. Tears fill his eyes as he stares the sharpened stick down. He stands still for 3 minutes and 21 seconds. Then, he finally moves, clearing his throat.]

Well, then. This is it for me, I guess. My big finale, at last. Not a soul to see me at my lowest, nobody to stop me... At least the sky is pretty tonight.

[Facing the camera, he grips the stick in his one hand tightly. Raising his arm high into the air. His eyes are shut tightly. He brings his arm down quickly, but, to the left, a raven, hidden by foliage, loudly croaks out a call. Startling Edgar, causing the stick to embed itself closer to the right side of his torso. Though, he keeps his grip, looking down at where the stick has placed itself.] 

Gh– Oh, fuck you, random ass raven– 

[He shudders, but still manages to keep his hand firmly on the wood.]

I– I can– w– work with this. I just n– need to–

[Edgar adjusts his grip on the stick and begins to twist it. He almost immediately crumples to his knees, the fall turning him away from the phone to face to the right, figure backlit by the mall. His jaw muscles clench, trying to not make any noise, but he fails. He throws his head back as he lets out an agonizing, nearly deafening scream of pain. The sheer volume of it causes it to echo throughout the forest, the sound faintly coming back to the small area Edgar is in, almost as a sort of mockery, overlapping with his own continuous cry. Despite the blinding pain, he continues to push and twist it into his torso, having convinced himself it's the only way he could keep the people he loves safe.]

[He finally finishes getting it through, and the noise slowly halts. Blood drips off the other end, and the red liquid begins to crawl up the wood. Slowly staining the stick red.]

[The color drains from his face as he stares down at the stick once more, which can be seen fully impaling his torso. Bits of flesh caught on the end that went through are very easily seen, blood oozes out of both wounds. He collapses somewhat towards the camera, turning slightly, so his face is visible. His breathing is ragged, and as he speaks, his voice is quiet and hoarse, the scream having taken an immense toll on his throat.]

Did I really… 

[He pauses, his tears glinting in the low light, his expression one of pain, and one of immense regret. He turns his head to look to the sky, the movement seeming to take a lot of energy. His words become halted and quiet, growing quieter by the second. The moon reflecting in his eyes.]

Shit. I don’t think I… want this… anymore… 

[Edgar lifts his arm, reaching for the stars. Hoping something could help him undo what he's just done to himself. It drops back down with a disappointing thud. He breathes out a laugh.]

Funny. How that works. Once it's done... you regret it... and you can't fix it...

[The rest of the world seems to still as tears pour down his cheeks, caused both by regret and pain, he smiles again.]

I guess I failed you all again, huh?

[He attempts to take a deep breath. It ends up being shallow and shuddery.]

Sorry… everyone. Bye...

[A rustling in the grass as his body goes limp. The forest is quiet, now, save for a few animals rustling about in the bushes, footsteps faintly approach.]

[Transcript end.]

[reidgraygubler]

a different type of high (pt 7) spencer reid/reader

Title: A Different Type of High (part seven)

Request: no

Couple: spencer reid/gen-neutral!reader

Category: angst, with the tiniest bit of fluff

Content Warning:  mentions of dating while recovering an addiction, mentions of drug use, attending narcotics anonymous, struggling with sobriety, withdrawal and symptoms of withdrawal, mentions and allusions of sex, Swearing, mildly ooc spencer, spencer’s pov,

Word Count: 3,202

Summary: The team confronts Spencer about how close he and reader are getting and are worried about their health and safety.

A/N: there won’t be an update next week, i have a very special/important announcement coming later today that’ll explain why. This is also the last part before the fun parts begin >:) so im also going to take the quickest break for a week and a half. But don’t worry, other things will be post! anyways, thank you all for the love and support! check out my masterlist!

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{***}{***}{***}

I looked down at the person sleeping beside me. Their small body was curled into my side and one of their arms was languidly thrown across my body as if I was a stuffed animal. Part of me wondered if they were scared I'd disappear. I wish I could tell them that they didn't have to fear, I wasn't going anywhere unless they wanted me to. Well, other than work, I won’t be leaving them.

I tried to not let my thoughts be just about them, and my worries and fears. But it was hard. They were the first good thing to happen to me in a long time.

I’m sure their thoughts were consumed by me too. In fact, I know their thoughts were filled with me. They’re an addict. They have an addictive personality, and I’m their new addiction. They probably don’t even realize it either. Of course, why would they? They probably don’t even realize it. They live in their own little bubble, with their own rules, and I’m just a part of it. I was glad I was a part of it too. Because, I’m also an addict, and they’re my new addiction.

"Hey," their soft voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked down at them with a smile. "What're you thinking about? You got that look in your eye," they smiled as they tried pulling the blanket over their body, and tried to hide into my side. 

"Nothing special," I retorted, feeling a warmth spread through my body as they continued to cling to me. "Why? What are you thinking about?" I asked, resting my hand on their back. They rolled so my hand was on their stomach. 

"You," they beamed, sticking their head out from under the blanket. A bright smile grew on their lips as they looked at me. Their hair was a mess and covered their eyes just right. The light from the lamp on the nightstand lit them up just right, showing each imperfection on their face.  A blueish-purpleish spot on their neck caught my attention, and I couldn’t help but smile when I saw it.

"Good things I hope," I watched as they sat up, the blanket pooling around their waist. I tried not to stare at their bare body, but they made it hard as they stretched their arms in the air before turning to look at me. They leaned closer to me, a sly smile growing on their lips.

“Only the best thoughts of you fill my head,” they whispered before not so gracefully pressing their lips to mine. I laughed as I rested my hands on their shoulders to try and steady their body. 

“That’s good, I think,” I raised an eyebrow as I looked back at them. They smiled before slipping out of the bed and grabbing the shirt I wore from the day before.

“I’m going to the bathroom… Don’t go anywhere,” they looked at me before leaning across the bed. I looked up at them with a smile before kissing them softly. “Promise,” their whisper was soft and innocent, as if they were asking their parents a promise not to break. 

“It is my apartment,” I furrowed my eyebrows as I watched them walk away. They looked over their shoulder and right at me before slipping into the bathroom. I pressed my head into the headboard behind me as I waited for them to finish up. It’d be a matter of moments before they returned and I’d have to tell them I’d have to leave for work. I knew they wouldn’t have anything better to do today, other than hanging out at my apartment. Which, I was fine with. They could stay here for as long as they wanted.

“So,” their voice came from the bathroom, causing me to look towards them. They were walking out of the bathroom, looking down at the ground as they walked. I wondered what was going through their head, and I wondered what it was like to be in their mind on a good day. “What are the plans today,” they finally looked up at me with a smile. Their smile was quick to vanish when they saw the pout on my lips. 

“I have to go in today,” I wrapped my arms around their body as they sat beside me. They looked up at me with sadness in their eyes. “Will you be alright without me today?” I asked as I lifted a hand to hold their head against my arm.

“Can I stay here?” they looked up at me through their eyelashes and a pout on their lips. I looked back at them and nodded. “I have some errands to do anyways… But, can I stay when I’m done?” 

“Of course you can, I have no issue with that,” I whispered and nodded. They looked at me and smiled before pressing their lips to both my cheeks. They were quick as they moved to straddle my legs and wrap their arms around my neck.

“Thank you, Spencer,” they spoke in a soft whisper. I returned the smile and rested my hands on their hips. “I wish you didn’t have to work today. Wish we could stay here… together,” they whispered as they played with the hair on the back of my neck.

“Oh, I’ll be home before you even know it,” I looked up at them with a small smile on my lips. Their pout slowly turned into a smile as they looked at me. There was a certain joy and excitement in their eyes as they looked at me. And, I wondered what it was that they saw in me. I was in no way, shape, or form perfect. I don’t want to make it seem like they are, because they aren’t. But, some parts of them are. Maybe in another timeline, they were absolutely perfect, and nothing bad was happening to either of us. 

“You look like you’re thinking too hard, Spencer,” they laughed at me. I looked at them and shook my head. 

“I was just thinking that I should get ready for work. I want to get coffee on the way and I don’t want to be late,” I lifted a finger and poked their nose. Their nose wrinkled as I withdrew my finger from their face.   A sneaky smile grew across their lips before they stuck their tongue out at me. 

“I can’t believe you’d rather leave early and get coffee than hang out with me a little bit longer,” they placed a hand over their heart, feigning pain and heartbreak. I couldn’t help but laugh again. “Hurt, really, truly hurt by your laughter, Spencer,” they sighed, dropping their shoulders and tilting their head to the side. 

“Maybe next time, if you wake up early enough, you can come with me to get coffee,” my hands ran up and down their arms as I looked up at them. They sighed before falling into my body, becoming a heavy lump as the seconds passed. “But, I seriously have to get ready,” I groaned as their weight stilled on me.

“But, what if you didn’t have to get ready and go in,” they spoke into my chest. I sighed, resting my hands on their back. 

“C’mon, I can’t be late,” I tried to get them off me. And with a deep sigh and cry, they climbed off my body. “We can blame Hotch,” I laughed as I stood up. 

“Stupid boss. Making you go to work,” they grumbled as they grabbed their jeans. I watched as they tried to reach for one of my cardigans. Part of me almost told them not to take it, but I knew they’d put up a fight and win it anyways. So, I let them.

“Just this once, I do like wearing my sweaters at work,” I watched as they slipped the sweater onto their arms. They looked at me and smiled, hugging their arms around their body. 

“I’ll bring them back, promise,” they replied, watching as I got dressed.

“Part of me doesn’t believe you,” I looked over at them as I began to tie my tie. They stepped up to me and smoothed out my tie as I tried to reach for a different cardigan.

“That’s fair, but… Think about it, Spencer, this is the first sweater I’m stealing from you,” they smiled as they began to button the cardigan I was wearing.

“I am thinking… And… Still waiting for the jacket I gave you the first night we met,” I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at them. Their smile faltered slightly as their fingers continued to button my sweater. It was obvious they were trying to keep their eyes off me, looking at my sweater instead of looking at my face. 

“Well, you see, I…” they closed one of her eyes as they tried to come up with a lie. I lifted my hand and brought it up to rest under their chin. “Okay, okay, I still have it… I just… don’t want to give it back,” their words trailed off as they spoke. I smiled and pulled my hand away from their face. “But, if you really want it back… I can return it,” they sighed as they looked up at me. I looked down at them and cocked my head to the side.

“I’ll think about it. Now, I definitely don’t have time for coffee,” I smiled before pecking their lips. They smiled before allowing me to go put pants on. 

“That was my plan the whole time,” they smiled before leaving the bedroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

They were in my kitchen, and they were probably acting like it was our kitchen, like it was our home. I was honestly okay with that too… Hell, they even slept in the same bed as me (and done a little more than just sleep in said bed some nights). They basically lived with me at this point in time, without them having their belongings here. The thought of asking them to move in with me had passed my mind. But, a part of me wasn’t sure that was a good idea. Although, I’d love it if they lived with me. We’re each other’s distractions. Accountability Buddies, as they would put it. 

Maybe I should just ask them? The worst they would say is no, right? But, I know them enough to know they wouldn’t say no.

Just as I finished putting my shoes on, the sounds of clatter came from somewhere out of the room. I could only assume they were in the kitchen, making what I could only hope was coffee. Knowing them, they probably felt bad about delaying my leaving. I don’t blame them. I felt bad for leaving them. But, they didn’t have to go out of their way to make me coffee...

“You still like a lot of sugar and cream, right!?” Their voice carried from the kitchen to my room as they shouted. I raised an eyebrow as a loud crash, followed by a list of profanities, came from the kitchen. “Everything is okay!” They shouted. I furrowed my eyebrows as I finished tying my shoes. When I stood up, I looked at my reflection, making sure I looked acceptable for the workday, and once I was pleased with how I looked, I made way for the sudden disaster in the kitchen. I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to seeing what mess they had made.

“Made you coffee,” they smiled at me as they held up a plain white porcelain mug. I smiled before taking it from them and bringing it to my lips.

“You’re the best person in the world,” I looked at them as I took a sip. Part of me almost included ‘In fact, you’re my favorite person in the world,’. But, I figured that was for a different time. They smiled before stepping in front of a pile on the ground. My eyes looked between the shattered mug, and their ‘I’m not guilty’ expression. 

“I’ll clean it up,” they muttered once they realized I saw the shards of a broken mug, “Have a good day,” they bounced up to me before pressing their lips to mine. They hummed as they wrapped their arms around me to hold me close.

“You too,” I whispered before pecking their lips one last time. They looked up at me as I succeeded sliping free from their grip and to leave. I looked down at my watch. At the rate I was moving, I’d be only a few minutes late. Hopefully no one at the office will be mad that I’m late. They shouldn’t care too much, right? There have been times Derek was late, or Emily… It shouldn’t be too much of a problem… I hope.

When I finally did arrive at the office, I dropped my empty mug off at mydesk, before finding my way to the conference room. And, just as I had thought, everyone was already there, and the briefing had already started. 

I tried to not feel embarrassed that everyone stared at me as I took a seat beside Jennifer and Emily. But it was hard when their stares felt judgemental. They hadn’t treated me any different since I told them about my problems and addiction. In fact, they 100% supported me. I just think they were happy that I was getting help instead of suffering in silence. I didn’t have it in me to tell them that I suffered for the better part of a year after Tobias Henkle, I just got scared. 

“Sorry I’m late,” I muttered as I sat. Aaron looked over at me with a mildly worried look in his eye. “We slept in a little and then I started running late.” I made up, even though it wasn’t a total lie. 

“Says the mark on your neck,” Emily looked down at the table, her eyes scanning the file she had. I glanced over at her, feeling a flame grow over my neck. I found myself looking down, my hands instantly went to my neck to cover the marks that were put there last night by a certain someone. 

“Oh! My man! You getting some?” Derek looked over at me with a smirk. I looked up at him with wide eyes, my hands slipping away from my neck. 

“Shut up,” I muttered before looking back down at the table. I sighed deeply before flipping the case file. “Frankly, it’s none of your business,” I glanced at him for a moment before looking back down at the file. 

“Spence,” Jennifer looked at me, her voice soft. I had to hold back from snapping, because I almost did. Just because she’s my best friend, doesn’t exactly mean she, or anyone for that fact, gets to ask about my sex life or what happens at home.  

“I don’t know what you guys want me to say,” I shrugged as I looked at everyone, “I’m obviously not going to lie, but, I don’t want to tell you that. That’s private,” I wrinkled my nose as I spoke. The room fell silent for a moment before Jennifer spoke.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with-”

“I don’t know what you're talking about, Jennifer,” I looked at her with a mild annoyance on my face.

“You’ve gotten pretty close to them, that’s all,” Jennifer looked over at me. I lowered the file I was reading and looked over at her with a raised eyebrow. Derek was the next person to look at me.

“I never said anything about a relationship with them… With anyone actually,” I spoke sternly. 

“So what? We just hang out with each other. We’re each other’s accountability partners. That’s it,” I stated, feeling the lie burn up my throat and through my teeth. I could sense that they knew it was a lie too. So, no one said anything for a moment. Until Emily did.

“Spencer, you know this. People who are recovering from an addiction shouldn’t be in a relationship. It can be dangerous for both people in the party,” Emily looked over at me. I looked back at her, trying not to attack her as I’ve done in the recent past. But, she keeps talking to me like she knows me. She doesn’t know me. Not like the other members of the team. Not like the person at home knows me. 

“They… they make me feel better,” I whispered, my words trailing off before looking away from everyone. I could feel their stares and silent judgments drilling into my body. No matter what I would say to them, they’d have a comeback. “We’re just friends,” it was a lie. Everyone knew that it was a lie too. I’m not sure what we were, but we weren’t just friends. I didn’t want to risk losing them though. I didn’t want to tell the team that they'd further judge me. 

“I think that’s a conversation for another day,” Jennifer looked at me, almost like she was reading my mind. I looked back at her, feeling my heart slow to a near stop. I hoped she’d forget about having a conversation about this. But, it’ll probably be on her mind for the rest of forever.

However, I was grateful the pain-staking conversation came to an end when my phone began ringing. I was quick to pull it out of my pocket, only to see that it was my home phone calling me. I furrowed my eyebrows for a moment before realizing who it was calling me.

“Excuse me, I have to take this,” I looked back up at each individual person before stepping out of the room. 

“This is Doctor Spencer Reid,” my voice was low as I spoke. I didn’t want anyone around to listen in on my conversation, though it’d be one-sided for that person.

“Hey,” their voice was just as low as mine, and I could tell something was wrong, “Hey, I... I, uh… I know you don’t like it when I call… When you’re on, uh… You’re at the office. But I think… I think someone was followin- Spencer, I think someone’s trying to break in,” their voice was shaky and that confirmed there was something wrong. 

“Spencer, what… What do I do?” 

“Don’t… Listen, don’t worry, I’ll be back soon. Okay?” I tried to not let a shakiness grow in my voice. But it was clear something was wrong. I swallowed roughly before shaking my head. 

“Spen-Please.. Please hur-” and then the line went silent. I furrowed my eyebrows before pulling my phone from my ear, looking at the screen that once had an on-going call. 

I quietly whispered their name after I pressed my phone to my ear. When it was quiet, I took a deep shaky breath before turning to re-enter the conference room.

“That was… Someone… Someone broke into my apartment… While…” my words trailed off as I looked at the people around the table. Everyone looked at me as they realized what I was saying, without actually saying it. “I don’t know if they’re okay… Please… Help me,” 

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