#(ooc) sorry if this is an inaccurate depiction or anything! im an afab demigirl so idrk how it feels

[that-one-paintbrush]

heyyy…i know were in the middle of aomething serious here…but pretend this is taking your mind off it or somethign.

so uh, what does being enby mean to you? how did you realize you were enby? im trying to find out if im enby, demiboy, genderfluid, anything along those lines and stuff. and plus im kind of curious anyway. what are you comfortable with?

-🔭💭

Well.. everyone presents and perceives themselves in different ways. Some enbies are feminine, some are masculine, but to me, being nonbinary is not conforming to male nor female characteristics, but presenting myself in ways that are more traditionally considered masculine alongside ways that are traditionally considered feminine. That's definitely one of the main reasons people kept guessing my gender up until season 2. Some people noticed my masculine qualities more, and some people noticed my feminine qualities more. And people like Lightbulb just went "fuck it, we ball", which was.. basically the closest thing at the time.

I really started contemplating my gender during my time on Idiotic Island. People had misgendered me before, but I didn't really realize just how many people didn't know until I heard Marsh and Apple argue about my gender at my elimination. After arriving in Idiotic Island, I went to ask Lightbulb, as she was the only trans person I knew at the time. We actually weren't close up until then, but she taught me a lot about gender identity, and we had some really meaningful conversations. Despite everything we talked about, she eventually asked me "so, do you know yours now?" And I just.. shrugged.

I kept thinking about it after Hotel OJ was built and we all moved in so I started researching online. I eventually found the term "nonbinary" and.. realized it applies to me. Knowing I was nonbinary was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, but I refused to tell anyone. I was kinda.. embarrassed. I was worried someone would be transphobic or something, and I didn't tell Lightbulb because I was worried she'd tell someone else.

But when she figured it out that day we were sitting in the calm-down corner.. just a few hours before I'd be eliminated, it felt so freeing. She acknowledged it and she didn't see me differently. That was enough to give me the confidence to at least tell some people, and I didn't care if someone would be rude about it (which, thankfully, didn't happen).

...Oh, I uh, kinda went off-topic, huh? My personal recommendation is trying out different pronouns with people you can trust, and you stick with whatever's most comfortable!