#(she says. while actively shaking lmao kjfhgjdfg anyway it's a work in progress sort of thing!!!)

[psychesmoon]

TL;DR: life is good. i'm happy to be alive <3

It's crazy how trauma reframes entire experiences and closes you off from seeing people and their intentions clearly around you. Me and my sister finally sat down to talk about what happened when our whole family fell apart 16 years ago. Just trying to fill in the gaps for each other. And it's so crazy that for years I've convinced myself of so many things - that I don't matter to her or other people in my family. That I need to work hard to be important to them. Provide a reason for them to let me in. At a different point in my life I was quite sure they would all be better of if I would have just died.

And I opened up about that and as I was saying these things I could SO CLEARLY SEE from her reaction that it was so far off from the actual truth. That she never even thought that, not even for one second. She never ever felt that anything that happened was my fault. She wasn't ever angry at me or blamed me. In fact, she always simply just loved me, and was worried about me even if I didn't see it.

And she never stopped loving me. Even when things got very ugly around us, even when we didn't see each other for months, even when the only words we exchanged were just surface-level small talk. Like. The love never went away. No matter how weird or messed up I was, it never went away.

I don't know. I just feel so lucky to still be here and be able to have these experiences. Reconnecting and rebuilding connections from the ground up. I'm so glad I didn't give up. I'm realizing how much I would have missed if I believed all the bad things my brain was telling me for quite a while.

Something something... what's meant to be yours will find it's way back to you again. Or something.