#(thats not a statement thats a popular ed blog tag)

[exana-thowaway]

confession of an ex thinspo blogger

a few months ago, i deleted my thinspo blog. i still have an eating disorder, and im not claiming that deleting your blog will solve this. but its the best decision ive ever made and my relationship with food and my body has been healing every day, slowly, since

i started my blog as a diary of sorts. hiding my eating disorder from everyone had gotten to be too much, and i needed to let it out. it was just vent posts at first. eventually, i began reblogging occasionally "aesthetic" pictures of skinny bodies. over time, it became low calorie recipes, emaciated bodies, and bragging about how little i ate. over the span of almost a year, i gained a few thousand followers. suddenly this thing i created as a journal to express myself was a public display, romanticizing an illness (that i wouldn't wish on my enemies) in front of so many people. a lot of them were minors. i felt poweful. i never claimed eds were good, and i regularly said i didnt support proana. but that meant nothing.

i intentionally exposed myself to content that i knew would trigger myself into continuing my behavior. i wanted that, it felt like i was winning. i could brag about how little i ate on my blog, and i felt strong. recovery felt like a failure, like a sugarcoated word for "i wasnt strong enough". my eating disorder had always been a (very unhealthy) coping mechanism. it made me feel in control at times when i didnt actually have any control. but my blog gave those thoughts an audience. i wasnt tricking myself, but others. and they tricked me.

i was a part of the problem. we all created an environment where these behaviors are normal. you dont have to be explicitly proana to do this. you can say your blog is helping you or that its a way of coping, but youre hurting yourself and others more than you can imagine. youre not evil, but youre sick and odds are that your eating disorder blog is making it worse. this isnt a recovery oriented community, as much as it tried to pretend that it is. delete your blog and surround yourself with things and people that promote health and happiness in your life. it wont solve everything, but its a first step that i promise cant be oversold.

i love you all deeply and i hope we can all find our way to happier lives. i know feeling alone in your sickness is scary, but there are better places to find solidarity than here.