#*207. if i'd a child of my own i couldn't love her more // the amber spyglass.

[aercnaut]

" I KNOW HOW battle maps work, belacqua. i was a solider once, believe it or not. " granted, he was a solider of fortune, but he didn't need to know that.

@asrielbelacquaaaa <3'd

[aercnaut-deader-than-lee]

tag dump: verses

[aercnaut]

open to mutuals ( preferably those with a bond with lee already )

THE WEIGHT ON his chest is simply too much -- it must be lifted, lest he suffocate. he gazes at the other, brows furrowed. for once, hester is not at his side, rather, she's cautiously nuzzling the other's daemon, betraying lee's desperation for connection.

" fine. here goes: " he inhales deeply, all to aware it all tumbles down from here, " i'm afraid. i shouldn't be -- i ain't got no right to be, i know that, an' we all got our parts to play in all of this -- but that don't stop me from feelin' like i'm being crushed. " he's not necessarily good at communicating how he's feeling, but he's willing to try, despite not meeting the other's eyes. anything to share this burden.

" i ain't afraid of dyin', y'understand. i ain't afraid of pain -- pain & death are second languages to me. what does bug me is...well, its failure, " he sighs heavily, " i can't fail that little girl again. i can't fail her here, an' i can't fail her in what comes after, what ever that is. "

its the easy way around what truly scares him: that the poison that ran through his father still runs through him: that one day, without realizing it, it will be him in a dilapidated kitchen, screaming at someone he's supposed to love with the intention to hurt. death & pain have never scared him. in truth, lee only has one real fear: his father & everything he inherited from his poisoned gene pool.

[aercnaut]

JUST BEING HERE feels like he's trying to swallow tar, & it takes all the bluffing he's got within him not to show it. asriel threw lyra away like she was nothing. asriel was an entitled rich boy who blew a hole in the sky, damning everything -- not to mention, lee learned later, he murdered an innocent boy to do so. asriel was a selfish, spoiled man who clearly didn't hear no enough as a child -- & if that wasn't enough, he was an egomaniacal prick.

asriel is also -- unfortunately -- lee's only hope.

so here he is, putting on a nuetral face ( anything beyond that is well out of his reach ) while they talk strategy. lee should be sitting, given the state of him, but the aeronaut is nothing if not stubborn, so there he stands leaning on a makeshift cane pretending it didn't hurt just to breathe.

" a lotta these people ain't fighters, belacqua, " the use of the last name keeps lee at an arm's length. its easier for him to swallow all of this if its just business, " but we need all the numbers we can get, so i reckon those who can't shoot can be positioned at entry points with scattershot -- blunderbusses, shotguns, & the like. i did somethin' similar durin' the rose creek campaign, " speaking of which, " what are the chances of us gettin' our hands on a gattling gun? " the devil's wrath. a fitting nickname for a gun he once watched level a town & most of its citizens in one go. also fitting, given what they'd use it for.

@asrielbelacquaaaa // s.c

[aercnaut]

WELL, THAT THROWS him off. usually, when asriel spoke to him of lyra, it dripped with venom -- both toward him & the child. it made lee's skin crawl the way he spoke about her like she was some kind of stray animal that only existed to be a pest.

he likes to think people can change, yet something keeps lee from giving asriel any benefit of the doubt. for a moment, shock crosses his features before shifting back to vague sardonic neutrality.

" don't applaud a fish for swimmin', belacqua. reckon that's beneath you. "

@asrielbelacquaaaa said: " thank you for protecting the child. "

[aercnaut]

HE'S ABOUT TO say something he may regret, but if no one else is willing to say it, it seems that burden falls to him.

" i'm gon' be very frank with you: the tension 'tween you an' the coulter woman is gettin' thick enough to make a roux with. not to be crude, but i think you two either need to separate or bury that tension in a mattress, if you get my meanin'. " this isn't out of concern for either of them. he's just tired of being caught between longing glances & walking into rooms hoping he's not about to witness the creation of lyra's new little brother or sister.

@asrielbelacquaaaa // icon starter call -- 77

[aercnaut]

@unbeleveable said: 🎁 ( for serafina! )

" WILL WE BOTH go home alive? " it slips out, right past his sardonic, nonchalant mask & tunneling right through to a vulnerable, scared core he's trying so hard to hide. he's done everything he's been asked with no complaint & no indication of fear or hesitation. with serafina, its different. he can't hide it forever from her. he loves her, in spite of knowing how this ends regardless: with him in a hole & her living & radiant well beyond him. love between witches & human is a damned fate, even without their present, world ending circumstances.

he softly presses her hand to his lips, letting out a shaking breath as he lets the mask crack before the woman he loves.

" love's the death of peace of mind. "

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[aercnaut]

" HONEY... "

somehow, that hurt more than the bullets that had been freshly dug out of his chest. his brows furrow as his heart sinks into his stomach. not quite the reunion he was hoping for.

he approaches marie, leaning on his cane as hester shakily hops along beside him. when he's close enough, he reaches out to marie with his free hand, gently stroking her cheek.

" you're smart, doc. tell me somethin': would a vision do this? " & barely waiting for an answer, lee presses his lips to hers, kissing her as gently as he could despite the raging fire of relief & sorrow & passion raging within his belly.

@nightmdic said: now i'm being tortured with visions pretending you're back.

[aercnaut]

IF I'D A CHILD OF MY OWN, I COULDN'T LOVE HER MORE: the lee lives au ( aka my main verse )

lee survives the events of the s.ubtle knife by the skin of his teeth after being found just in time by serafina. he spends some time recovering with the witches before learning lyra is missing and will's search for her. despite still being in recovery, lee decides he can't just not do anything, and decides to (begrudgingly) join asriel and his mission against heaven. once there, lee is given new clothes (considering his current attire was blood soaked and full of bullet holes) and a new balloon. his role is that of a sniper and battle strategist and despite his opinion of asriel, he puts his feelings about him aside to help. after all, its the only thing he can really do for lyra. when all is said and done, serafina guides lee to the botanic garden, telling him lyra needs him now more than ever. for a moment, he's confused -- her quest is done, surely she can rest now? -- before it clicks what must be done. after lyra says goodbye to will, lee holds her while she cries. he's angry and heartbroken for her, but puts it aside for her. with their adventure finally over, lee adopts lyra officially and she spends her summers with him on a ranch he bought after finally finding some steady work. neither are okay, but they have each other, and for lee, that's enough.

[aercnaut]

@celesteye said: “ be honest… do you think we will survive? have that farm we spoke of? the children? ”

IF HE WERE a betting man, he'd say no -- and he is a betting man. mere weeks ago, when all they had to fight was the magestrium, he would say yes, no question.

this was different.

this was the authority itself. angels, specters, & all manner of things he could never hope to understand ( nor would he want to lest he become like asriel. )

what chance did they have against that?

carefully, he takes her hands in his, pressing a kiss to them.

" i think we must, mi estrella. for lyra and all who come after her, we must. "

[aercnaut]

@toxicmalicex said: 🎁

" WE HAVE THE answers to all your fears, " he's nursing a barely touched cup of watered down whiskey as hester loafs quietly in his lap, " its short, its simple, its crystal clear. "

he sees himself in her, sour the thought is. he remembers an angry version of himself -- too old to be a boy, not old enough to be a man -- doing what it took to stay alive, no matter who it hurt. where he would get in barfights, marisa uses her silver tongue & the batting of those pretty eyes to stay ahead. its not his place to judge. even if it was, here & now, their differences mattered very little. only what they had in common: lyra.

still, he knows that look: looking behind you at the trail of bodies you've stepped over in the name of self preservation & growing from a bad seed & wondering as dread builds in your chest --

" was it all for nothin'? the cuttin' words, the friends in prison, the company you've had t' keep, those kids in the north -- does any of it matter? despite all you've done, everythin' you earned from doin' it is gone, ain't it? "

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[aercnaut]

@mrscoultxr said: " be honest... do you really think you can take care of Lyra with the lifestyle you lead? or will you give it up for her so she doesn’t fall out of your balloon or get attacked by cliff ghasts or any number of the horrible things that happen on your journeys? ”

" WITH THE LIFESTYLE i lead now? no. ain't no place t' raise a child. she needs stability & encouragement, not jus' one or the other. that's why i'm settlin' down when this is all over. gon' get a ranch back in texas an' she can spend summers with me & the school year at jordan. "

[aercnaut]

tag dump; verses