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krs724490 · 1 month ago

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5.10.2025

I like how tumblr prompts me "go ahead, put anything" dont mind if I do... the thoughts about both daniel and graham and frequent and often intermixed. its a complex weaving of me using daniel to get back at graham or to let him know I'm doing so much better without him. while also being genuinely intrigued by daniel and what it might look like to be with him. he already has some orange flags. adding and dropping classes the way he does in the middle of the damn night. what is he doing up at 2:30am? It's a flag. Its strange because he does have such centered energy when he's in the space. and I could sit here and turn about it all day lol.

its more about the texture and quality of the spinning. what does it feel like to spin?

spinning.

the thoughts originate from somewhere. energy cannot be created nor destroyed.

boy crazy. a term I'm way too familiar with.

"Boy crazy" is a slang term that describes a person, usually a young girl or woman, who is excessively interested in boys and romantic relationships. It can be used playfully or with a more negative connotation, implying immaturity or obsession.

Implying immaturity or obsession... ouch. I'm ouching myself here really.

But yes, back to origin. I loved NSYNC since before I had conscious discursive thought. I wasn't developmentally able to create a fantasy about being with JT. So it was a pure energy of desire, innate to my being.

The origin. Energy is neither created nor destroyed. I've been alongside this energy my whole life. It's always been here and I don't know that its going anywhere. Actually I'm confident it's not going anywhere. But I don't want it to. It really brings me so much joy.

Until I'm drowning in thought about graham and daniel. the mind always wandering in one direction. (one direction lolll). I'd like to know if there is an ability to see and know and gently put down. the thing is when I tell myself to put it down it only makes me reach harder. even just now going to look at his facebook.....

MORE SPINNING. spinning via typing. trying to solve. when I really came here to explore the energy and texture of spinning.

I'd say its disorienting. scattered. and uncomfortable. it feels immature. petty. like latching onto constricted emotion. also indulging in cotton candy thoughts.

I think the hardest part is the way it impacts the action I take. I get nervous around daniel. I'm always tracking daniel. If I were to run into graham, not being able to keep cool.

I'm so curious to relate to the energy of it. When its present, not having resistance, but having curiosity and openness. It is my nature that I'm exploring. These boys are in my nature. This tumblr is HARD evidence of that. I've been on the boy drug longer than any other. So I'm curious to relate to the energy that gives me my biggest highs and my hardest spirals.

and to really give it maitri. its perfectly fine that this is here. it truly makes sense and I no longer want to resist my nature.

the biggest breakthrough possibly ever LOL I had yesterday when I was hiking. I was tearing up the trail and it first it felt compulsive. Like I couldn't not go fast. I felt like I was rushing. Rushing bc I knew I was in a time crunch. and I couldnt feel the nature around me bc I was going fast. and I was angry with myself for having this aggressive urgency that causes me to blow through life. The speed traps I get in can be so debilitating. Then I realized that nature nature also can be urgent and aggressive. a river can absolutely tear downstream at an alarming rate. it is in my nature to have this efficient, rushing movement. and it is actually amazing and one of the things I love about myself. I get shit done and it feels good. it really isn't something to resist. my body naturally wants to go fast and is good at going fast. and so I just let myself. and I moved so beautifully, so efficiently, so quickly on that trail. I lapped everyone. I moved in accordance with my nature, without resisting or shaming the speed.

at the beginning of the hike I was resistant to the speed and urgency. I thought "uh oh, it's here" but I do distinctly remember the thought of, I trust nature to move this for me. or I trust that this hike will bring what I need. I think initially I thought that meant getting rid of the speed, slowing down to see the nature and be with it. but really that meant embracing the speed and allowing it to be there. Learning to love it. and now I think of myself like a ninja action figure who it is speed mode. its not a negative thing, it can actually be quite pleasurable. I'm like witchhhaaaa. gettin things done. I love befriending these parts of myself. the love girl and the urgent girl. they've been shamed for so long. thank you thank you thank you. holy holy holy.

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decodervon · 5 years ago

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(Disclaimer: I am writing for myself. I know nothing I can say or do will persuade anyone who reads this in or out of any situation they are in. I come here to take off my kid gloves and let my actual emotions swing. I say whatever I want here, with no filter or expectation of any sort of rebuttal or communication. I do not write to change any opinions, save for that of my own.)

Writing as if I'm talking to you.. helps. I have this.. concept of you.. one that never really existed. And if it did? Only for moments. This idea that you really honestly cared about the thoughts and feelings coming out of me. The concept of wanting to hold my hand and help me sort out what my problems were. Basically how I would act when all the stress and anxiety and panic hit you. I dont exhibit those emotions the same way. THIS is how I have a panic attack. This is how I deal with anxiety. I can feel it welling up, building.. and this is my teapot whistling. This is how I pour myself out. This is self-care. Not just some indirect way to contact you. As I made mention in my disclaimer, this is for me. It's not for you. I dont think you fully understood that this was all a window into my mind. Just for you to peek because I trusted you, and only you, enough to see into my extremely personal thoughts.

So talking to this.. imaginary version of you that still cares about me.. helps. You dont know how to care about me anymore in real life. You gave up on me a while ago. Your actual version of care never went past yourself. Your version of "above and beyond" was sticking around when I was terrible to you. That's not what that is. That was just.. stupidity. I was always wrong to treat you that way, but you were stupid to let me treat you that way. We look back on the timeline and the only thing that broke that? Shock. Leaving me. Helping me understand that you /wouldnt/ stick around through me beating you down emotionally. I was in a place that was so dark, I couldn't even see what I was doing or how I was treating you. You were suppose to be the one to reach into the muck and pull me out by my ears. Instead you let it drag you down with you.

I'm not blaming that all on you, mind you. Two to tango. But it was like trying to put out a fire by waiting patiently for it to die out. That was never going to work. But you arent the type of emotionally intelligent person to know, understand, or figure that out. Sorry. That was always your weakest point. That was something I had to help you develop literally our entire relationship. I'd even say "train" if I was feeling more malicious. Do you understand that I've been this emotionally adept since I was 15? Do you get how hard it is to SEE someone flounder with it a decade later and then have them not believe you know what you're talking about because they just don't understand it? I was right about so much stupid shit it makes me sick. I was right to stop trying after you starting treating me badly. I was right about Tom. I was right about you distancing yourself from me. I was right about you not having faith in me. and even going farther back into our open relationship and thinking you would burn past my boundaries with little to no regard and Kenny. It felt like I was a psychic and no one would believe me.

This is all just idle commentary. This isnt the heart of my anger or where my anxiety stems. These are the facts. You were never good with my emotional things. Sure, youd let me cry into you chest when it all hit, which was correct first step... but that's not the full scope of what an adult needs. Adults need to be reassured. They need to know that you're ready to help them, even if you dont actually. Adults need to be loved and calmed and talked to and made to understand that you'll be there for them when the worst hits. This was how I treated you when things were okay. How I took care of you during your attacks. After nearly all of mine, I was always found wanting. Like I was some sort of.. obstacle. Like taking care of me was a hassle. Like you were doing it only because you felt obligation. I dont know if that's how you actually felt, but it's how you came off. It made me feel like you just wanted me to stop crying because it was annoying. and god. what a feeling that is. not wanting to share your emotions with your significant other because you were scared they resented your feelings. it doesnt matter. I shouldnt have to explain to another grown-ups adult. you should be emotionally capable by 30. you've had a lot of opportunities to practice.

no relationship is without emotional labor. not one. not even the one you're in. you just haven't quite got there yet. you dont know their dark sides, you dont know when the other shoe is going to drop. you keep your walls up, but it's only a matter of time. you will deal with their damages, with their flaws, with everything that makes up that human being because that's what every human being is: a bunch of flaws and merits rolled into one mess. so enjoy your honeymoon phase, because everyday is one day closer to it being gone.

These are tangents. this isnt even why I wanted to talk here. Maybe the lack of emotional intelligence thing. that was one. always so shocked to see I'm hurt or surprised to see that my feelings well up and cause me to burst. that's what new years was. I regret saying anything more to you than "happy birthday". I was in a horrible way. we werent talking. I felt used. I felt like I did back in middle school when the occasional pretty girl would lead me around by the nose until she got bored of me. I felt like you had used me for attention for the last 3 months. letting me plan all the things you never wanted to plan. put in all the effort to try and see you. knowing secretly that you didnt want me, but loved the attention of being wanted. I was so angry. Part of that anger remains.. but not for that reason. That's just the logic of what lead to my explosion on new years. And let me make this clear: this isnt an excuse. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm not claiming the devil made me do it. these were my own actions which, even by myself, I am shameful and regretful over. These are the reasons that led up to it. I had just stood up to you and said I didnt want to be treated badly once I realized you were, in fact, doing that. And you were just fine to drop me. you didnt care. you didnt care about any of it. those months and time? you didnt care. so I said monstrous stuff. I said really horrible shit and even when you tried to stop me, i doubled downed on it. I wish I coudlve been logical. i wish your words could reach me while i felt that much anger. but they couldnt. not paired with the feeling that made me most angry: feeling emotional used by a pretty face.

You do understand that sharing my emotional experience isnt easy, right? If I was a good masseuse, it doesnt make massaging take any less effort.. in fact, probably more. Like talking to you, helping you decompress, trying to get you to understand better emotional habits? That was HARD. REALLY HARD. And then for 3 months I tried to have a relationship alone. Why let it drag on if you werent giving me a real chance? This is where I started to figure out where my true anger was coming from.

My true anger is something that time will not change. No matter what happens in our lives, the true anger is a permanent judgement against your character. it's a black mark I cannot forgive. It's a change of perspective in how i see, acknowledge, and respect you. It is the truth. And it all stems from Faith.

"What do you mean?" you ask. My eyes turning away from whatever I had been longing at to face yours, unblinking.

"Faith. It's a simple word with a very complex meaning. Very unique to each person who says it. Like Love or Sex."

"You remember the day I caught you. I came over and sat across from you, much like this. I watched you flail and cry and beg.. I watched you reach for me. In those moments.. You were the most honest you had ever been. In our relationship, perhaps in your life. You gave yourself up and wept. You wept for me to stay. You told me all your secrets and threw yourself to my mercy." I said, looking away mournfully.

"I had never.. seen such honesty." my tears teared up as I kept talking,

"I didnt know how to approach it, as angry as I was. I was so mad.. but seeing you be... actually honest was... disarming. I had no defense. I saw you for who you were. In all your flaws... in all your pain. You begged me. You exposed yourself and gave me everything and asked for another chance." my tears subsided slowly as I made my small side-glance back to your unwavering eyes.

"Faith. You were honest, but you were honest about being a cheat and a liar. No one in their right mind would want to enter into a bond with a self-admitted liar and cheat. But I had... Faith." the word being almost spit from my mouth, my face gently contorted at the thought.

"If there was one truth I knew about you, it was that you were a hard worker. I had faith that you would take this seriously. I had faith that with your sins laid bare, you could only ascend from that point. And so.. I made a choice." a light shrug followed by the ritual of removing a cigarette from my silver case. a smooth light and a pull later..

"I went against every fiber of my being. every angry bone in my body. every brain cell halting me. I said....'Okay' and that was that." Another long pull and my eyes drifted off to the wall, looking through them to that space that only exists in between everything else.

"And the worst part of all of this? I was right to do it. I watched you turn your entire life around. You started to dance again. you started to work out. and so your body issues became farther and farther away. You started down your burlesque career path. You started looking for better jobs. You found them and you got them. You became the girl I always saw and looked for. I was right to believe you and have faith." a quick laugh and another pull later, I adjusted myself in my seat, shooting a look back at her.

"You werent without mistakes, mind you. you had your stumbles. I couldn't tell you the exacts of them, because that was part of Faith too. It was the idea that I knew you could stumble, but those were to be forgiven if the rest of your progress was noticable enough to warrant it. And it was! You were turning it all around, slowly but surely. Who would I have been to get in the way of your progress by bogging you down at every little thing? I was happy to see you change from this secretive, gaslighting monster into.. into someone happy." the tears streamed down my face faster than I expected. I pulled my cigarette as if fearing the water would put it out. I cleaned myself up quickly, in a meek attempt to conceal it.

"But something we didnt account for was.. how far the damage of betrayal went. It coursed through my veins. it haunted me like a ghost. it STILL haunts me. I was betrayed by who i had loved the most. it was my most venerable covenant with myself. I hated you for it." I took a long drag while looking at her dead on.

"I /hated/ you for it. I was still honestly happy to see you grow and change. but I had a darkness to me that was inconsolable. so much resentment. It was like seeing your favorite, most friendly friend... and knowing they accidentally killed someone over the summer. it was this duality of love and hate. you were my heaven and my hell. I didnt know to negotiate the two." I cashed the end of my cigarette and sat my elbows on my knees, chin on folded hands.

"My true anger. Once it all hit critical mass. once you pushed yourself beyond. after the death. after I started to really abuse your emotions, you measured me. I pushed my last time and much like the man before me, you agreed. I left you and you finally agreed. I was found wanting and it slapped me in the face. In that moment, I saw myself. I finally admitted and saw what I had become. a shadow of myself. a ghost of a kind man grown cold. It was like putting on glasses or a hat that fit. I was shocked. I was cowed. I was ashamed and I was repent. So many feelings at once strangled me and the one that erupted over them all was the loss of you. You were the trigger. You were the harsh truth I needed to hear. I shoot myself through the foot and you were the smoking hole that let me understand I wasnt okay." my eyes looked away shamefully, moving back in my seat. with an uncomfortable adjust, I continued.

"I...begged you. I found myself on the other side of that table, so long ago. caught within my own impulses and my worst behaviors. a victim of my own design. that person i loved and cared for so close and so far. I cried and I pleaded. I admitted my guilt and my sins and threw myself to you like you had shown me." my face contorted in what started as sadness, but transitioned into a crying glare.

"I asked you. with all my shit laid bare. I asked for another chance. I asked for your faith!" my eyes turned away, shaking my head, looking down.

"I dont know why I thought you had the emotional acumen to do what I had done. to give me the honest chance i had given you. hell, I helped develop those skills in you and that was my HARDEST emotional choice. thinking that you would.. that you COULD do that was irresponsible of me. But you said, 'yes.' maybe just to mirror me, maybe because you werent ready to lose me. whatever the reason, you signed a check your heart wasnt ready to cash."

"every misstep I made sent me right back to start. you didn't care that I was making progress. you didnt care I was taking better care of myself or moving towards the things o wanted. none of that mattered. you were done before you knew you were done. you let me.. twist and writhe and letting me make a fool out of myself trying to beg you to allow me the priviledge of courting you. Do you understand how fucked up that is to do to someone you've known for that long who is trying their hardest? I know I had a hard time trusting you originally, but I knew that was /MY/ problem and not yours. I worked on it in my own time and figured it out. you put all of it on me. you FOUGHT ME ABOUT TOM." I was yelling at this point. I tried to calm myself and take a deep breath, but those words rang over and over in my head.

"....you even admitted I was right to think what i thought. that means you admit my warning my legitimate and that means you were wrong to fight me and defend him. that was one of our last fights. and you never realised it wasnt really about him. it was about how you would more likely defend a friend that didnt deserve it, than believe someone who earnestly loved you. you have a Stockholm syndrome with your friendships and I'm tired of pretending you dont. It is not a strength and if you were smart, you wouldnt give away so much power to people you dont fully know. But whatever. I'm not here to advise anymore." another breath. another sigh. the last tirade.

"You gave me a chance without faith. you had no plan to work with me. you had.. no faith in me changing. because you needed me to change in a way that you understood, not in a way that actually benefitted me. Many people have come up to me unprompted to tell me they were impressed by what they had noticed. they still do. they talk about how much better off i am without you. how stronger I am." quiet tears cascaded down. soft, gentle ones. truer than the angry ones.

"...then why dont I feel strong? why dont I feel better off? you didnt.. didnt understand how to have faith in someone. you didnt believe in me. you saw me at my lowest and you turned away from me. all you ever understood was what could benefit you. even now. even with him. it's all about what you can take from it. you're a narcissist. the thing you loved most about me was what I could do for you. how I could take care of you. you monster. you used me. you used my infinite heart and blackened it. I learned nothing from you. that's my true anger. you looked away when I needed you most. you were there for better, but not for worse. I gave you an honest, real chance. what you gave me? it was nothing. I tore your stupid poster down. threw away your stupid clothes. our last talk? you wanting my body and still getting his. I am still the cake you want to eat while already having one. I just exist as someone to take from. I will always exist in your mind as a place to only take. if Death finds you? You will call upon me to take emotional solace. if Chaos finds you? you will call to take stability. I do not exist unless I benefit you. unless I serve. I had served you enough."

everything I was put through after Magnolia was hell. I know I complained about it, but I loved going to Magnolia every time. It was my first home. I loved exploring and going different ways.. seeing my old homes. the old streets. That was where our happiness died.

I forgive you for all the other things, but I can never ever forgive you for losing Faith in me. I forgave you after cheating on me and seeing someone behind my back. you couldnt forgive me after my heart was destroyed and my family died. you are self-centered. In the end, you dont care about others, you just care about how it affects you.

must be nice.

ps. I'm considering leaving her. not for you, but for me. I need something light and meaningless. youd probably fit the bill if you werent so embroiled in your own selfish gains. but I'm sure the feeling of anyone filling up that space in your bed in your wrecked room is good enough. whether you know them for a few months or 8 years.

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dumplingequivalent · 7 years ago

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Hey there!

I usually tend to avoid reblogging with this kind of sensitive thing, but my personal experiences are kinda long and complicated? But i hope i can help you a little

Cut for length, i guess

I was diagnosed in 4th grade and started meds the same year. I think i initially was taking Concerta. It worked pretty well for me academically, but i did have some hard depressive symptoms that eventually became too much to deal with around 9th grade. It was a terrible cocktail of changing hormones, increasing stress, and childish ignorance about how i should feel on a regular basis that let things get so bad - once I was old enough to say "hey maybe I shouldnt be kinda sad or apathetic all day" I was able to get the issue resolved almost immediately.

We moved on to something else, with assurances that theres many types and many dosages to consider thus i shouldnt be afriad to speak about any side effects I felt I was having. I started Adderall XR then, and it was such a relief. I felt comfortable and focused enough to handle school and not at all as depressed as I initially did.

Adderall XR worked great for me all through school, but after I started working at about 19 yrs old, I started to see some side effects that bothered me as an adult. As a kid, I could come home and immediately relax into anything else, since my work is done. But as an adult, I needed to be able to do chores and go out and other things, which was hard for me on Adderall XR. I had this strange "attention fallout" after my meds wore off where the next hour or two, i couldnt focus on ANYTHING. I'd literally sit and almost be hyperfocused or disassociating so hard I couldn't even listen to another person for at least an hour. It was just really annoyin, even if it wasnt interfering with my work, so I let it go ad long as I could stand.

Eventually, i got fed up with it and ended up on Vyvanse instead. I have to say, compared to everything else, it's done the most for me. I've been more productive these past 2 years than I have been the previous 5. It's expensive but I wont give it up for anything.

That kinda segues into my last point......for me personally, I cannot have any quality of life without my meds. I have gone off them 4 times all together, each time because I missed filling a script before my last bottle ran out, and after each incident, I have ended up in massive amounts of debt, tons of trouble at work for poor performance, and i have to beg someone else to help me get my script. I'm very close to nonfunctional without them. Its not like i want it that way, (the opposite actually - the first time I went without meds was intentional because I wanted to see how bad it was for an extended period if time) its that I need it. I cannot imagine going to school and graduating without them. And yes, there are side effects - vyvanse gives me mania every day for about an hour when it hits, i get slightly paranoid and jumpy and shaky a lot, im constantly dehydrated - but its so, so worth it. You can work with them! I take my meds early before work (so i can get out the door on time) and sleep through the mania, and i can recognize when im being paranoid because i expect it. Its not that bad, honestly.

If you think it'll help, try it! You can always go back to nothing at any time too.

Sorry if im too vague or hard to understand- let me know if you have nay questions!

Please message me if you have taken/ are currently taking ADHD meds, I need some guidance, I’d really appreciate it

I’m diagnosed with ADHD and I’m progressively struggling more and more with school, especially essays and written work. I’m coming up to grade 12 and I’m starting to feel like I really might need meds. My mom is really against pretty much any type of medication especially adhd meds, and she says everyone she’s met who takes adhd meds are negatively affected by them rather than helped. Can you let me know your personal experience with adhd meds, both good and bad? Thanks

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