#....i already feel like i'm extremely unwantable and like no one will ever desire to stick with me long term

[dredshirtroberts]

listen. I know my family is bad at communication and acknowledgement of receipt of Thing but when the one thing that consistently happens semi-annually is that I get fussed at for not confirming I received something, it irks me a smidge.

Like if I'm expected to always confirm "Hey I got your [communication/gift]" then why aren't they doing it back? Especially considering the communication in this instance has really actually very important information they will want to know if they want to stay in contact with me.

Like????

Even if I'd just gotten a "K" in response, like. at least it would have let me know they got the damn thing. I sent this email TWO WEEKS AGO and only one person responded - and it was practically immediate too. Like... i know folks are busy, i know shit's going on. I get it. But it would help me feel so much less like I'm suddenly a pariah in the family out of nowhere if like one of the people I'd sent this to had just responded in some way shape or form.

I'd have answered a phone call - i wouldn't have liked it, but i'd have done it. A letter in the mail to my current address even. a message in a bottle probably wouldn't get to me because i'm pretty far from the beaches of the great lakes, and also they're even farther, but like. something right?

my sister at least confirmed she got it and just forgot to respond. i imagine that's what happened with everyone else because we have the same mental illnesses and look. i do it too. but also? also?? i was hounded to respond quickly to things, i was told off every time i wasn't responding within a half hour of any communication. I was asked instantly the next time they saw me if I'd gotten it, even if i hadn't had a chance to see the thing yet.

So forgive me, family, if I'm a little peeved off that all y'all are allowed to "forget to respond" for two whole fucking weeks and then a few extra days (because it's been 2 weeks, 3 days exactly) when i can't let something sit in the mailbox for 2 days because i couldn't get to my mailbox easily while living on my own without getting a phone call or text or email that there should be something waiting in there for me.

*enraged screeching*

[blackcatsandbighats]

its been so long since ive posted anything on tumblr but I have a lot of things to get off my chest. I moved to a new country and it has genuinely been one of the worst experiences of my life. Its been 4 months and I have no friends. I dont really hate being alone I just hate seeing everybody in my old country hanging out without me. It also showed me who my real friends are. Since moving 3 people have truly kept in touch with me-meaning messaging me basically everyday, or putting in the effort to call me. Since coming here I've dealt with a lot of self esteem issues. I dont know what it is about not having friends but it makes me feel very unwanted and ugly. Im constantly comparing my body image with others. I already had problems with my body image but being here has made it so much worse. Im not even the heaviest ive ever been. I am currently at 56.5 Kg, my worst being like 58-59. Obviously my dream weight is like 51-53 kg. My waist feels huge, thighs huge, arms huge, calves huge. Things I did not even know I was insecure about started to appear. I always feel like I'm doing something wrong with my physical appearance. Either my makeup looks too extra or little, my clothes strange, my jewellery too extreme, my hair- not straight enough. Nothing is going right here. I havent made any new friends, and Ive lost momentum with my other friendships. I was making a proper life in my old country. I was making important friendships and maintaining good relationships with everyone. Coming here has literally lost half my work. My friend keeps telling me about the shit she and our friends get up to. I feel like everybody is progressing on with their lives and I am being left behind. Nothing is helping in this stupid fucking country. I know nobody is even gonna see this, and if somebody ever comes across this they wont care enough to read up to this point. I complain about my body but havent put in the effort to go to the gym, or change my diet. A body is visiting the country i am in this winter break and hes really handsome and cool and I am going to see him, but i just want to look desirable - so he goes back to my old country and tels people "wow --- looks so good" but I know that wont happen. Im bigger now, my skin worse, like nothing is good. I think in a dream world, im in my old country, my skin is clear, nose is small, weighing 52 kilos, makeup never looks cakey, not annoying, and people want to be around me. I saw a ballet today and it was so beautiful, I wish I was a ballerina. This is prolly the last yall will hear from me for a while lol - bye.