#1. his crippling loneliness and the feeling of uselessness followed by alcoholism

[floralcrematorium]

Arthur Kirkland || HWS England

Character Playlist | 21 songs | 1hr 15 min

• Dearly Departed - Marianas Trench • Savior - Rise Against • Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind • Don't Believe A Word - Third Eye Blind • Viva La Vida - Coldplay • Do Better - Say Anything • Cat's In The Cradle - The Relentless • ABSINTHE - MOTHICA • 18 - Anarbor • Rhinestone Eyes - Gorillaz • Eleanor Rigby - The Beatles • I'm Still Standing - Elton John • Scarborough Fair/Canticle - Simon & Garfunkel • Ship in a Bottle - fin • 505 - Arctic Monkeys • Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High - Arctic Monkeys • He Who Flees the Light - Calabrese • Just One Yesterday - Fall Out Boy • The Beast of Pirate's Bay - Aurelio Voltaire • Absinthe - I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY FOUND ME • icarus - luvbug

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[kabonvi]

— 500 days of Jaemen *✲*; @theseelenine

THINGS YOU SAID AT 1 AM. Day 036.

Instead of It being just two on one of Carmen’s many adventures that teetered on the edge of illegal activities to simply child’s play, two turned into four. Which she didn’t have a problem with, until Tiffany started paying more attention to the Emo Boy instead of her. She purposely walks behind them two, scowling out of envy as she watches the pair laugh, talking about God knew what. Jaebum got along with Tiffany well, and she figured it was because they were both stuffy nerds. Not that she had a problem with Tiffany, but when someone new came around Carmen was filled with crippling anxiety, weighted with the thoughts of her best friend nulling their friendship in favor of another. The thought alone has her kicking at the stray rocks that find itself underneath her boots.

“Hey! Watch where you’re kicking those, brat.” Jaebum calls over his shoulder and though it’s dark Carmen hopes that he can feel her glare burning holes into the back of his head.

“How ‘bout you mind your business and keep walking before I punch your ugly ass face.” She immediately snaps back, wincing in pain when her ear is tugged. “He started it.” Muttering underneath she switches over to walk alongside Twelve, childishly sticking her tongue out at the other two.

This is how it always was when the four of them hung out: Carmen and Jaebum bickering over the smallest of things and Tiffany and Twelve wondering how they could split the two up before blood was shed (which on some occasions couldn’t be helped). But this time around, Carmen was told to make nice while they snuck into the science lab at Tiffany’s school. It was something the three of them had in common, and truthfully Carmen felt a little left out but it wouldn’t last long – those types of situations never did.

There was no amount of words that could describe the relief when they had successfully snuck into the chemistry lab and Jaebum gave up arguing with her in favor of looking through the various tubes and chemicals. Carmen being the one who found solace in things like fighting and other aspects of physical activity hung back, simply watching them talk about science and other things she couldn’t explain. A few times she’s invited over yet she waves it off as their conversation boring her, when in actuality three intelligent individuals going back and forth over various physics laws intimidated her. It made her feel useless, let alone a part of the group. So she busies with inspecting her nails until a harsh bump on her shoulder causes her to look up, the irritation in her feature prominent due to not only the lack of sleep, but the boredom was getting to her too.

“What do you want?” She snaps, rolling her eyes dramatically only to be met with a fierce scowl. Clicking her tongue, she waves him off dismissively. He barely paid attention to her since they got there and she didn’t need his sympathy in order to feel a part of this little delinquent science expedition.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to come and help us make this mini volcano but since you want to be a brat, stay here by yourself.” He responds, not thinking twice about going back over to the group. But before he can get too far Carmen reaches out to grab his wrist.

“Listen, I’m really sorry. I just have no idea what you guys are talking about or doing and it makes me feel really stupid.” She admits with a mumble, and embarrassed flush on her cheeks. “You’re really smart and it annoys the fuck out of me, yet intimidates me and I’m sorry for being a dick.” Before he can say anything back to her statement she simply shoves him away from her, leaping from the stool to shuffle over to Tiffany, using her as a makeshift shield to keep Jaebum away from her.

THINGS YOU SAID WHILE YOU WERE DRUNK. Day 304.

Her body is warm, an amazing euphoric feeling surging through her whole body as the realization that she is indeed intoxicated as all hell hits her like a wave of reality. She steadies herself by gripping onto Jaebum’s arm who instinctively puts his hand on her hip to make sure she doesn’t fall and hit her head on anything sharp. He’s mumbling something incoherent and she’s sure he’s scolding her, but she was never one to pay attention – let alone pay attention to him. He sounds far away, his voice muffled as if she’s underwater and she can’t help but to press her fingers against his lips shushing him with a little more aggression than necessary.

“God… You talk like – so fucking much. Just be quiet. You’re not my dad.” Her words are slurred and it’s a miracle she’s even alive, teetering on the edge of alcohol poisoning a little too often for it to be normal. But it’s the life she’s chosen to live and at the age of twenty-three she can’t believe that someone she met while she was sixteen still puts up with her repeated downward spirals.

“Carmen stop touching me!” He hisses through gritted teeth as he pushes her hand away, wiping furiously at his lips. “I don’t know where your hands have been and you’re touching me like this in public. Where are your manners?” He smacks her hand away viciously only to be confronted with a loud whine and insistent hiccups in between screams of her telling him how mean he was to her.

“You’re such a jerk, you were a jerk when I met you and you’re a jerk now. I hate your stupid, ugly ass.” She’s causing such a fuss at this point and there’s nothing Jaebum can do as he apologizes profusely to his neighbors when their heads peek out of their doors. “He is abusing a poor, helpless woman and you should call the police!” Her screams are short lived when his hand is slapped over her mouth and she’s shoved in his apartment. Her balance is immediately lost and she falls face first onto his carpet, groaning as she realizes that he’s slipped away to repair the damage she’s caused.

He isn’t gone for long, and somehow Carmen has mustered up enough energy to drag herself onto the couch, her arm slung over her eyes. “Hush, you’re making my headache ten times worse than what it was, and I honestly just want to have a good time.” There’s something about Jaebum that brings her a sense of comfort that she’s not willing to fully acknowledge, but the both of them is more than aware of her increasingly frequent habit of crashing on his couch after a drunken escapade.

“I’m tired of you getting drunk and then calling me like I’m some sort of drunk guardian angel. God you’re so reckless, stupid girl.” Her senses are jolted awake by the feel of cold water being splashed in her face followed by a cool rag being wiped at the back of her neck. “If you weren’t someone I cared about, I’d leave you out there in the cold. You never listen.”

His nagging goes in one ear and immediately out the other as she hoisted over his shoulder, much to her protest, to be placed on his bed and is demanded to sleep off her drunken haze. Turning over she slips one of her arms underneath his pillow to pull it comfortably underneath her head, staying back at the same pair of eyes that she met when she was at the peak of her teenage years.

“Hey, Jae. You’re the most annoying, insufferable, four eyed kid I have ever known.” Steadying herself she stands on top of his bed, wobbling over to him to stand at his level. “No honestly, but you’re also the smartest person in my contact list. Like, you’re so smart it’s really fucking annoying but also like mind blowing. You’re like that old white guy. The E equals MC something.” Stumbling a bit she wraps her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly to her. “You’re the bestest friend anyone could ever have and don’t think much of this but I’m so happy I met you.”

THINGS YOU SAID WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS ASLEEP. Day 408.

Her mornings were different ever since she’s confessed an unspoken love for a man that had been in her life for eight years, who had also shown no signs of leaving her in the years to come. The bed in which she laid in countless times, that harbored the secrets of her restless body and the tear stained pillows that told stories of an endless loneliness that couldn’t be stifled by a simple fling. When she turns to see his sleeping face she can’t help but to be completely enamored. She’s so emotionally drawn to this man she couldn’t realize the fact that she had fallen head over heels, and no matter of denying and pushing aside, nothing could change how she felt towards Jaebum.

She lifts her fingertips to lightly press against his cheek, her gaze flitting about his features, memorizing the angles of his face, the bow of his lips and the dip of the bridge of his nose. The sigh that sounds from him causes her movements to halt for a few seconds until she is reassured that he’s still sleeping by the gentle rise and fall of his chest. He’s so beautiful to her. Despite all of his imperfections, worries and his own insecurities in which she found absurd – Im Jaebum is perfect.

“I love you so much.” Her confession is a lazy whisper, falling onto what she believes is deaf ears. “I’m so thankful to whatever God is out there for having me barge into your life and stubbornly staying there. I’ve never been at such a euphoric state of peace and can honestly say you’ve brought a balance into my life that I was subconsciously looking for I suppose. Either way it still makes me happy.” Her palm finds rest on his chest, her cheek finding comfort on his shoulder as her words are mumbled as if she were in a confessional, telling a priest of her newfound secret to the key of leading a happy life: an emo nerd obsessed with science and technology.

“And if you even think about breaking up with me you might as well just set up a funeral plan, because I definitely will kill you. Got it?” She huffs underneath her breath, the very thought enough to make her sink into a sulking fit of oblivion.

“Got it.” His voice makes her heart stop for a moment and instantly her head is lifted to look upon his grinning face and she groans loudly. “Aw, why’d you stop it was just getting good.” The teasing tone in his voice embarrasses her, and it doesn’t help that he decided to pet her hair gently to further make sure that she knew that he heard everything.

Her cheeks immediately flush out of embarrassment and she jumps up from her spot to walk into the bathroom, a slew of curses spewing from her mouth out of frustration. It was a relief to be vulnerable with someone that appreciated every aspect of her, but yet she wasn’t quite ready for the emotions that came with dating someone that she used to tease ( and still constantly does ) about being ugly.

“You will not speak of this again or I will punch you in your goddamn throat!” She screams from the bathroom as her cheeks are splashed with cold water.