#7 years late to the party and no one wants this but here we gooooo

[smoshmonker]

Heaven Doesn't Come Close

read on Ao3

words: 1443

Eddie was trying so hard to enjoy it. He had been dead for about two full months now - the first of which had included running around trying desperately to move on to heaven, and this last month, he had been here. He’d gotten what he wanted, but something was missing. Despite being surrounded by nice people, the kind of people he knew would hate him if they got to know him, Eddie couldn’t make friends. He’d never had too much trouble with that before, unless he counted middle school, which he didn’t. He didn’t have any family up here, which left him alone. Perhaps, instead of thinking about new friends, his mind was just elsewhere, thinking about a certain person with dark curly hair and unkempt stubble, wondering why he ever wanted to leave.

--

Heaven was awesome.

It was everything most people often thought of when it was brought up. Green pastures dotted with colorful flowers, glimmering lakes, white fluffy clouds, laughter carried on a warm breeze, families reunited. It was paradise.

Eddie was trying so hard to enjoy it. He had been dead for about two full months now - the first of which had included running around trying desperately to move on to heaven, and this last month, he had been here. He’d gotten what he wanted, but something was missing.

Despite being surrounded by nice people, the kind of people he knew would hate him if they got to know him, Eddie couldn’t make friends. He’d never had too much trouble with that before, unless he counted middle school, which he didn’t. He didn’t have any family up here, which left him alone. Perhaps, instead of thinking about new friends, his mind was just elsewhere, thinking about a certain person with dark curly hair and unkempt stubble, wondering why he ever wanted to leave.

Today, he walked along the grass, walking to the spot he always occupied whenever he could - right beside a shimmering blue-green lake. Sometimes children played in it, splashing each other without restraint, giggling and joking. There was a shocking amount of children in heaven, Eddie noticed. He didn’t like the way that realization made him feel. 

Sitting beside the water, he tucked his legs underneath him and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply. The air was fresh with a hint of rain, despite the fact that it didn’t rain here. The trees, spread nicely around the field, rustled with the warm breeze, sunlight peeking through the leaves. Laughter and jokes surrounded him, but none too loud that he couldn’t think.

“Hey!”

He jumped, opening his eyes. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a young girl with a tube in her nose. Her hands were clasped behind her back, an innocent and bright smile on her face. She couldn’t be more than ten - but he’d learned that age could be deceiving here. Some of the children had been here for decades.

Furrowing his brows, he glanced over his shoulder for a moment, expecting that she was talking to someone else. He was the only one here. Hesitantly, he looked back at her. “...Hi. Are you lost?”

“No.” The girl giggled, stepping closer to peer down at her reflection in the lake. Eddie peered over too, almost positive he could see some sort of glimmering silhouette around her. He blinked, hard. He must have been imagining it. “You are Edward Clayton, right?”

A breathy, disbelieving chuckle escaped his lips. “Just Eddie.”

“Eddie. That’s a nice name.” Turning to face him, her sweet smile filled him with a sort of warmth. “My name is Esther. We both start with E.”

“Yeah. Good job.” He tried not to make it sound too sarcastic. “How’d you know my name?”

Taking that as an invitation, the girl sat down beside him. “I’m Jessica Matthews’ guardian angel.”

His heart dropped into his stomach. “What? Really?”

“Yes, really. I know you felt unsure, but she really did love you.”

A part of him felt a little insulted. How could this kid - angel , whatever - know that he had always been insecure about that? He even tried to hide it from himself. He forced air into his lungs, not bothering to hide his disdain.

“Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m dead, and she’ll move on someday.”

“Perhaps.” Undeterred, Esther continued. “I’m sorry. I know you have been having a tough time adjusting to being here.”

Eddie frowned. “What? Psh. No. It’s great here. Everybody loves it here. Why wouldn’t I love it here? I spent a whole month trying to get here, of course I love it.”

He was met with a disbelieving look. “You don’t have to lie to me. I know you’re lonely.”

“Okay, look, are you just here to make fun of me? Because if you are, I’m gonna go somewhere else. I’m not about to take penultimate abuse from a toddler.” He moved to get up, but a small hand came up to grab his wrist. He looked down. Her innocent eyes made his chest fill with regret. He squeezed his eyes shut as she spoke.

“That was not my intention. I wanted to offer you something; something you were destined for.”

Screw it. He huffed, plopping back down on the ground. “...What?”

Esther slowly let go of his wrist, lifting her arm so that her hand hovered just above the water. It rippled over and over for a few seconds, and when it cleared, Eddie realized with a jolt that he was looking down into his old apartment. On the couch sat Charlie, his face screwed up in concentration, drawing something on his tablet.

Emotions consumed him all at once, his breath leaving his body in a whoosh. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him, even as Esther began speaking again.

“This is Charlie Ross, right now, at this very moment. He is your friend, right?”

His mouth moved before he could think. “My best friend.”

“He was the one who helped you move on?”

Eddie nodded, his mouth suddenly feeling very dry. He wondered if he dove headfirst into the lake, would he land beside Charlie again, the place where he truly belonged?

Before he could make a move, Charlie glanced up, looking toward the door of the apartment, and the lake rippled. Charlie disappeared. Eddie’s breath caught in his throat again and he hopped to his feet, unsure of what to do with himself. “H-Hey. Hey! Bring him back. Bring him back!” His voice steadily got louder until he caught the look on her face. He took a shaky breath. The next word was barely a whisper. “Please.”

Esther rose to her feet, gently taking both of Eddie’s hands into her own. He let her. “Have you ever wondered why he was the only one who could see you?” His heart still racing, he nodded. “Your souls are intertwined, Eddie. Some way or another, you were always destined to meet. You were destined to be together.”

The implications of the words nearly made his knees give out. “So, what, I’ve been gay this whole time?” He meant it as somewhat of a joke, but his tone was quiet and unsure. It didn’t feel like it, but he did like getting to make Charlie laugh the way he used to make Jessica laugh…

She smiled patiently. “It’s entirely up to you the way that you interpret it. You love Jessica. You also love Charlie. How you label, or do not label, that love is up to you.”

Suddenly he didn’t feel so good. Jessica’s guardian angel was even scarier than she was, and that was saying something. “What…what the hell am I supposed to do with that?” he breathed, some of the anger returning as he pulled his hands away from her to run them through his hair. “Why would you tell me this now? None of it matters! I’ll never see him again!”

“Of course it matters. It always matters,” Esther said gently. “I said you are destined to be together in some way or another. Considering your situation, then, it only makes sense that you will become Charlie’s guardian angel. You may visit him whenever you like, as long as you fulfill your duties.”

Eddie paused. The mere possibility of that sentence was enough to make his legs give out. He fell to his knees, slowly looking up at her. “I can do that?”

“Yes. And I can make it official. Just say the word.”

His brain cleared of fog. He breathed. He could see Charlie again, hear his laugh, smell the shitty cologne from his shirt. “Please…I’ll do anything.”

The grass crunched beneath her feet as she stepped closer, gently placing her hand over his head. “Lay down and close your eyes. Breathe, Eddie.”

Wordlessly, he did as he was told. He waited. Suddenly, the grass tickling his arms disappeared. The quiet laughter was replaced with muted voices. Slowly, he opened his eyes.

He was laying on his old couch. Sitting in front of him were Charlie and Sam - on the tablet was a comic drawn about his funeral. Nearly vibrating with excitement, Eddie propped himself up onto his elbow, blowing on Charlie’s ear. By the time he turned around, and they locked eyes, everything felt right again.

“Jesus Christ!”

“Hey, buddy!”

Charlie smiled, a look of fond disbelief on his face. “Eddie, what are you doing here?!”

Eddie grinned back. 

This was his paradise. Heaven didn’t even come close.

[ohmygoodgollymissmolly]

Answer all the questions

Wow, thats a-lot to wanna know.. But Lucky for you i’m trying to procrastinate atm. So here we gooooo.

Ask Me:

Kill your curiosity 

1. Last kiss- Sometime in December, not sure of an exact date. I don’t kiss, and tell, so thats all the info you get about that.

 2. Last phone call- My sister.

3. Last text message- Also with my sister, just her telling me she hates her new hair.

 4. Last song you listened to- Space Bound, By Eminem 

 5. Last time you cried- Like 3 days ago, but they were actually happy tears. Found out some really cool news.

 HAVE YOU EVER:

 6. Dated someone twice- Yes, big mistake.

7. Been cheated on- Literally haven’t been in a relationship where I wasn’t.

 8. Self harmed- Yes, I used to cut stupid bad on my thigh. Also have some burn scars, from putting out cigarettes on myself. Thankfully thats not something i’ve done in years, and i’ve learned better ways to handle stuff like that. 

 9. Lost someone special- I’ve lost a few: My dad, my grandpa, and my childhood best friend.

10. Been depressed- Yea, but it’s a work in progress. I was on the worst medication I could’ve been on, which made it so much worse. Got admitted, now I’m on different meds for PTSD, and mood stabilizers. It’s helped A TON.

 11. Been drunk and threw up- I have been drunk, but rarely throw up.

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: 

12. Had sex- No, and don’t really expect that to change. Lol, it was a miracle I did last year..

13. How many people have you had sex with this year? 0 

14, and 16 are missing.. so we’re just gonna continue.

15. Made a new friend- Yes, i’ve made a couple.

17. Laughed until you cried- Yes!

 18. Met someone who changed you- Not this year, not yet.

19. Found out who your true friends were- It’s my sister, thats been every year. She’s the ONLY person I could ever trust.

20. Found out someone was talking about you- No, but it wouldn’t be anything new. I just don’t care what anyone has to say about me. 

26. What did you do for your last Birthday- Cried like a little bitch because my niece was hospitalized, I have never had a good birthday. 

 27. What time did you wake up today- 7am.

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for- To start my new job!

 30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time- Well since I only have one sister, last night when me, and her went for drinks.

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life- How other treat me, and get so tired of me so quickly.

32. What are you listening to right now- Crime Junkie!!!! If you haven’t hear their podcast, you’re missing out.

33. When is the last time you had sex? Sometime in December. 

 34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now- Myself.

35. Most visited webpage- Usually Tumblr, but lately i’ve been wildin out on FB.

36. Favorite color- Red 

37. Nicknames- My absolute favorite one is Moll’s, but i’ve also been called hot rod, hot tamale, and fight club.

38. Relationship Status- A joke.

39. Zodiac sign- I’m a Libra, can’t make my mind up for shit.

40. Male or female- Female 

 41. Primary school- Pinson Elementary 

42. Secondary School- Rudd 

43. High school/college- Pinson

44. Eye color- Hazel, they change weird ass colors.

 46. Height- 5′4

47. Do you have a crush on someone- Yeah, and they mf HATE me. So no new, news.

 48. What do you like about yourself- My eyes, and humor. 

 49. Piercings- 3 in each ear, 2 in my nose, belly button, and nipples.  

50. Tattoos- I have a pretty big piece on my right side of my ribs.

51. Righty or lefty- Righty. 

FIRSTS: 

53. First piercing- I don’t remember getting my ear pierced, so belly button.

 54. First best friend- Literally an angel, I miss him more than I can ever really say. He was killed by a drunk driver, and it’s someone I still talk to daily. I literally just talk out loud, so he can hear me... even if I don’t get a response.

 55. First hookup- I’ve never been the type to “hookup”, but my first kiss ever was in a church if that say’s anything about me lol.

56. First Bestfriend- PLW

RIGHT NOW: 

59. Eating- Nothing

 60. Drinking- A redbull.

 61. I’m about to- Finish this up, and then start sending out emails.

62. Listening to- This was already asked, and still listening to crime junkie. 

 63. Waiting for- Not a damn thing.

YOUR FUTURE: 

64. Want kids? Only way I would want a kid is if i’m 100% financially stable, and also found a good partner to have one with. I don’t want to bring a kid in this world, if both parents won’t be in the kid’s life.

 65. Get married? I honestly think marriage is a whole scam, and don’t even et me started on the bullshit of an engagement ring... However if I found someone that’s my bestfriend, and soul mate I would.

 66. Career- Oof I thought I knew, but now i’m kinda lost.

WHICH IS BETTER: 

67. Lips or eyes- Eyes. I’m a sucker for brown eyes, not a fan of blue eyes.

68. Hugs or kisses- Either honestly.

69. Shorter or taller- Same height, or taller.

70. Older or Younger- Preferably older. 

71. Romantic or spontaneous- Romantic.

72. Nice stomach or nice arms- Nice arms.

73. Sensitive or loud- BOTH.

74. Hook-up or relationship- Relationship.

HAVE YOU EVER:

 76. Kissed a stranger- Yes, Halloween party like 4 years ago. That’s the only time i’ve ever really kissed a stranger that I can remember.

 77. Drank hard liquor- Yes, I was bartending before I was 21, so i took full advantage of that, and drank like a fish when I would get off.

78. Lost glasses/contacts- I constantly don’t know where my glasses are.

79. Had sex- Yea, but not with many. I don’t let a lot of people have that part of me.

80. Broken someone’s heart- No, it’s always me to have my heart broken.

 82. Been arrested- Never been arrested, I have however been in the back of a cop car 6 different times.  

 83. Turned someone down- Everyone who has ever tried to shoot their shot. I’m picky, so i’ll wait forever till I find someone who I think is right.

84. Cried when someone died- Well duh.

 85. Fallen for a friend- Yes. 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 

86. Yourself- Fully, I can get through anything

 87. Miracles- Yes, they just don’t happen for me.

88. Love at first sight- No.

89. Heaven- Ehhh, hard to say. 

90. Santa Clause- Wait, what?

 91. Kiss on the first date- No.

92. Angels- Yes.

93. How would you label yourself? Stupid, besides that I wouldn’t.

 94. Someone You Pray Everyday For- The people i’ve lost, the people I have, and the friends i have. I’m also a hopeless romantic, so I pray for the person I am mean’t to be with. I just want those people to have success, health, and happiness.

95. Did you sing today- I can’t sing, but that doesn’t stop me from singing everyday.

96. Who From All Your Ex’s have You Cared The Most About- I haven’t.

 97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?- 7 years ago so I could tell him don’t get in the car. 

98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For- My own happiness.

99. Are you afraid of falling in love? Im scared of bridges, and falling in love. My two biggest fears in life.

100. Do you like the way you look? I’ve started to, after years of an eating disorder i’ve learned to live with my body. But I hate that it only will ever attract lust, and never anything more. I’ll ever only be liked for my looks, not personality. So in turn, i’ve started to hate my looks again.