#8 years of binding and shallow small breaths for all that time

[petri808]

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TW: kidnapped, psychological angst

When Lucy finally comes to, her head ached, and the room spun. It took her several minutes to gain her bearings and register the last thing she could remember. Touka had attacked from behind and held a sweet-smelling rag over her mouth as she fought to get away. How long had it taken? If her memory was accurate, several minutes had passed by as her consciousness faded to black. Whatever the substance was, knocked her out cold and now she had no idea where she was.

Lucy slowly peeked open one eye cautiously, knowing Touka could be watching her at that very moment. The layout in her limited vision resembled a small, non-descript living room, perhaps an apartment with a couch and window right above it. The light outside signified it was still nighttime, but unfortunately there were no clocks within her sight line. Lucy herself was lying on her side on the floor, hands and feet bound, with her backpack tossed a few feet away. She could hear movement coming from somewhere around and behind her as if someone, assumedly Touka, was rummaging through a drawer. Lucy dared not move a muscle and give away the fact she’d woken up, but she knew she needed to assess her situation as best she could, looking for a way to escape if the opportunity presented itself.

But before she could do that, her eyes focused in on the wall opposite the couch... covered, literally covered with photos of Natsu. In her limited extent, Lucy could see herself in some and spied friends of theirs scattered through others, all likely taken as the woman stalked him through the years. She zeroed in on something odd. A few of the photos looked much older than the rest and pictured Natsu in a high school uniform. Had Touka known him, stalked him for longer than he’d realized, or had she stolen them from his social media? And who was the blonde girl in a couple of the photos? Another stalked victim like Lucy and Lisanna? This young girl was a little heavy set, with a short, bobbed type hairstyle and wore thick framed eyeglasses. She was also in a high school uniform, and in both photos in close proximity to Natsu.

If Touka really had been obsessed since high school, it may explain why her behaviors escalated so quickly. Imagine pining for years and years only to watch the man you love in the arms of other women, eventually a person might go crazy. But it still didn’t excuse Touka’s behavior. Lucy’s had her share of crappy relationships or guys she crushed on who weren’t interested. It was a part of life and life wasn’t always fair. You move on. You certainly don’t kidnap your rival!

Footstep patterns changed behind her, so Lucy closed her eyes quickly, listening to its movements. She could hear it coming closer, almost felt the other persons energy above her. Was Touka checking on her? Her breathing grew shallow in anticipation. What did this woman have planned for her?

“Oi! Wakey, wakey! You’ve been out for long enough!”

It takes Lucy by surprise, when a hard kick lands square in her back. She cries out once, just as a second hit to her stomach doubled her over in pain. Her arms instinctively tried to cover the area from another blow, but it was made difficult by the fact her hands were bound tightly in front of her. So, Lucy curls her body into a fetal position, fighting an urge to scream out in pain and give the woman any satisfaction.

“Get up you bitch!” Touka uses her foot to try and push Lucy onto her back, but Lucy fights to stay curled up. So, she kicks Lucy again in the back, but lower near her kidneys, causing her to scream and unfurl in excruciating pain. “That’s right you slut. Feel the pain you put me through because it ends tonight!”

“Leave me alone!” Lucy screamed back as she scrambled to a sitting position. “Hurting me won’t make Natsu love you!”

“Pfft, I’ve figured that out. But now I don’t care, because I’ve decided if I can’t be his girlfriend,” her eyes narrow in on Lucy, “then neither will you. You’ll be dead and Natsu will learn what it’s like to lose someone they love forever.” Touka shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly. “It’s as simple as that.”

The level of malice dripping from Touka’s words sent Lucy’s heart sinking with the realization this woman had truly gone over the edge. She was calm like a deranged psychopath who talked as if murder was as easy as going out for a cup of coffee. As much as she wanted to panic, she knew she needed to stay focused. ‘Think, Lucy think! I need to buy some time,’ because surely Natsu and her friends were already looking for her.

“But if you do this, you know your life will be ruined, you’ll go to jail, do you really wanna go to jail? There must be someone that you care about and loves you too... parents, siblings, friends who wouldn’t want you to throw your life away for some guy.”

“Not everyone has had a perfect little life like you. Yeah, I know enough, rich daddy, sure your mom died when you were a kid, but you’re smart and beautiful, that’s why guys like Natsu fall head over heels for girls like you while the rest of us are left in the gutter. I watch you around school and every—one just loves you.”

“What are you talking about? From the first time I met you I thought you’re a pretty girl and very intelligent. And you’re wrong, when I thought guys liked me it always ended up because of money or my body, they never cared if I was smart. I was just a piece of eye candy they could strap to their arm and parade around. Pretty girls never know if we’re loved for who we are.”

“Pfft, well even so, I still rather have had some guys give me a chance, but they never did. I wasn’t always like this you know. LASIK surgery allowed me to ditch the glasses, changed my hair, and plastic surgery to fix my body. It took me years and a lot of money to look like this! But it was too late. Nothing I did would get Natsu’s attention, nothing! And just when I thought I’d gotten into his circle you showed up and ruined everything!”

“Touka, there are lots of great guys out there who’ll love the new you. Why not embrace it and move on?”

“Because I don’t want to! I’ve loved Natsu since high school, and that’s not something you can just throw away.”

Lucy’s eyes widened, the photos! Her head turned to the wall, “that’s you, isn’t it, in the photos,” she lifted her hands and pointed.

“Yeah, that’s me bitch, and as you’re no doubt figuring out, Natsu doesn’t even realize who I am. Back then I was too shy, the class geek, the chubby weird girl who sat alone at lunch, and picked last in gym class while he was in the popular group. Him and Gray, and all their other buddies. All I could do was cry myself to sleep night after night, praying that one day I’ll get my chance.” Touka takes a step forward towards Lucy. “And that chance is now!”

“Y-You won’t get away with this Touka, please think about your future!” Lucy puts her bound hands up, trying to shuffle backwards but the binding on her ankles are making it almost impossible. “Killing me will only make your life worse, you don’t really want that. H-How about we start over, we can be friends, I’ll introduce you to even better guys than Natsu, r-rich guys who’ll buy you whatever you want!”

Touka grabs Lucy by the wrists and yanks her forward, spinning her around. “Stupid slut, I don’t care about money.” She put her arm around Lucy’s throat in an attempted choke lock and whispered right next to her ear. “What I want… is revenge.”  

[damienthepious]

ah shit we broke 50k on this beast. happy Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday

Scattered on my Shore (Chapter 12)

[Ch 1] [Ch 2] [Ch 3] [Ch 4] [Ch 5] [Ch 6] [Ch 7] [Ch 8] [Ch 9] [Ch 10] [Ch 11] [ao3] [Ch 13] [Ch 14] [Ch 15] [Ch 16] [Ch 17] [Ch 18] [Ch 19]

Fandom: The Penumbra Podcast

Relationship: Lord Arum/Sir Damien/Rilla, Sir Damien/Rilla

Characters: Rilla, Lord Arum, Sir Damien

Additional Tags: Second Citadel, Lizard Kissin’ Tuesday, Pre-Relationship, (for the three of them. it’s established r/d), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Injury, Injury Recovery, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, (this will also be), Enemies to Lovers, (for damien and arum eventually lol)

Fic Summary: Strange things wash up out of the lake near Rilla’s hut, on occasion. But this monster… this monster is certainly the strangest.

Chapter Summary: Damien and Arum, Arum and Damien, and Rilla- Rilla is having a difficult evening.

Chapter Notes: Yesterday was the one year anniversary of the day I first started writing Penumbra fic. Oh, how time flies. Oof. Also. Hm. I've been mentally calling this the emotional whiplash chapter. Be gentle with yourself? Warnings for blood, violence, fighting, canon-typical deception, canon-typical monstrous horrors and canon-typical monster-horror deaths, including some upsetting imagery that I wrote at like two a m and then was a little perturbed by the next morning. Uh. I think that's everything? I swear this fic is soft sometimes.

~

Rilla still tastes sticky pink at the back of her sinuses, reeking strange but somehow vaguely sweet, and Tal's voice calls out through the jungle. Tal's voice is not the only noise, though. There is crashing, tree limbs cracking, shouting and roaring and rattling that makes Rilla's stomach twist with familiarity she doesn't want to place.

She clings to Marc's shoulders as Dampierre runs them towards his brother's voice. She catalogs symptoms, catalogs coincidences in the back of her mind, and she hopes that the twinge of instinctive terror in her gut is wrong.

~

Time sighs past them, tortuously slow, and Arum is beginning to suspect that the knight is deliberately attempting to drive him out of his skull. Eventually Arum's thin patience snaps, and he sits up straight in the bed, tail thrashing as he scowls.

"Must you do that?"

Damien doesn't seem to hear him. He paces in a tight circle on the other side of the room, seemingly unaware of the book still clutched tightly in his hands, unaware that his knuckles are going pale with that tightness. "Saint Damien above, please," he murmurs to himself, for perhaps the eighteenth time, "oh I cannot lose her, I cannot- how can I remain here, still and unharmed while she flies towards danger with a smile, my Saint? How can I endure the torturous burden of safety while my beloved could be in any peril, any peril at all? Perils unknown! Perils unknowable, teeming in the dark of night, and with my forever-flower accompanied by so untrustworthy a companion-"

"Songbird, honestly, the squawking-"

"The Salamander, of all companions, and I must remain behind, must either leave her unprotected- or precariously protected, at the very best, or else I shall break my word to her! To act otherwise would be to break not only the bond of my word, but to break her heart in the same moment-"

Arum barks a laugh. "Oh please, honeysuckle. I do not think Amaryllis' heart is quite so fragile as that." He snorts. "Not quite so fragile as yours, that is, always aching and cracking within you."

Damien pauses his pacing, then shoots the monster a scathing look. "What business have you, beast, in discussing either of our hearts?"

"You certainly won't shut up about it in earshot," Arum growls. "Forgive me for misconstruing a conversation out of your ceaseless heartsick blather."

"I would not expect a monster to understand the value of prayer, Lord Arum," Damien says through his teeth. "Nor the ache of love."

Arum opens his mouth, meaning give a biting retort, and then he remembers Amarayllis' eyes, and how soft they were when she asked-

He closes his mouth again, sighing, and Damien eyes him suspiciously for a few moments before he resumes his pacing, resumes his muttering.

The poet's heart speeds again as the minutes continue to pass, his breaths growing more shallow. Arum does not know what else he is meant to focus on, besides Sir Damien slowly twisting himself to pieces. His words are running so fast that they have begun to bleed together, almost too panicked for Arum to parse into individual thoughts, and when Damien chokes on a breath and his eyes go bright Arum cannot keep his mouth closed another moment longer.

"You are not helping, Damien," he says, and the knight turns towards him, his lips curling in something that could have been a scowl, if he did not look so otherwise distressed. "If your prayer has value, so be it, but it does not appear that it is doing anything at this moment beside causing you to pull your own feathers out. Stop- stop thrashing about and find another thought to worry on. Threaten me again. That certainly seemed to amuse you, before."

Damien startles, oddly, somewhere in the middle of Arum's words, and then he goes still. "I…" he pauses, coughs. "I suppose… I suppose I have been- twisting and drowning in the mire of this misery for far too long," he mutters, pressing his hand over his mouth. "Tranquility is… so terribly far from me, this night," he says, even more quietly, more to himself than anything.

"Amaryllis is clever and ferocious. I very much doubt she would bolt off in foolishness at the risk of her own neck. Do you imagine that she would wish for you to drive the both of us to madness in your worry? If your words are not helping, find other words, or other action. Do something useful, honeysuckle. If you continue as you are, you will simply distress yourself further." He pauses. "And continue to give me a headache."

"Something useful," Damien echoes, his gaze distant. "What … I cannot compose in this state. I cannot- I do not know what to do. I am…"

Enough tension pulls at the poet's frame that he looks as if he may crack in two.

Arum sighs. "Here," he says quietly. "Give me that book, at least. Before you go ahead and snap its spine in your little talons."

Damien looks at his own hands, then, as if he had forgotten that they existed entirely, his grip on the book finally loosening. "Ah-"

"Amaryllis was going to share the notes with me anyway. I may as well begin work on my translation. Perhaps I can have a page or two to share with her when she returns."

"When she returns," Damien whispers. "When she returns. Yes. Of course, when she-" he shudders out a breath, and then he steps close enough to Arum to pass the journal to him.

The leather of the binding feels warm from Damien's hands, and Arum brushes his thumb over the label on the cover, written in Amaryllis' impatient but neat scrawl. "Excellent," he says, because he does not wish to say thank you. "Now, perhaps you should check the food, as she asked, honeysuckle. Perhaps it will be easier to calm yourself if you have a moment where you need not share the room with so foul a beast as I."

Damien opens his mouth, his cheeks darkening, and then he snaps his jaw shut again, looking away. "The food. Yes," he murmurs, and then the poet retreats.

When Damien leaves the room Arum leans back, sighing and allowing himself his own moment of worry.

A couple hours. Amaryllis is- Arum's words were in no way false, she is both clever and ferocious, and he does not know this other human she has gone into the wilds with, but he cannot imagine that she would trust her protection to someone unworthy of that honor. This is her home. Certainly she knows the territory that surrounds it. Certainly she will be in no danger at all.

Certainly.

He composes himself before Damien returns with their meal, and Damien is tense and stiff but he finishes his bowl without another muttering collapse, which Arum is learning is as close to a success as he is likely to manage. He resumes his translation, then, poring over the thin botanical tome and trying not to notice as Damien's heart gradually begins to race again.

The poet straightens, suddenly, standing from his lean against the counter, and then without a word he goes back out to the front room again, leaving Arum watching his back in alarm. When he returns he is clutching what appears to be- his bow, his armor, his quiver and packs and all manner of miscellany. Damien crouches to drop the lot of it on the floor, somewhat close to Arum's bed, and then he sinks to sit beside the pile, pulling his bow out first and examining it with keen, narrowed eyes.

"What are you up to now, honeysuckle?" Arum asks, lowering the books in his hands.

"Something useful, I hope," Damien warbles in response. "I have been meaning to restring my bow for weeks, now. I cannot do much else, at the moment, so I may as well perform the tasks I have been delaying in favor of more pressing matters, as I am being currently pressed to stillness instead."

Arum certainly cannot complain about that. Damien's expression has gone focused, poised, as he carefully and skillfully bends his bow into the proper position for him to remove the current (apparently unsatisfactory) string. Arum eyes the rest of the pile curiously, observing the well-battered armor, the quiver which looks both old and loved, patched with many careful mendings.

Arum narrows his eyes at the rest of Damien's packs as the knight carefully begins the process of restringing his bow, and a small plain leather sheath catches his attention. He reaches with his tail to pull it out from the rest, lifting it to take into his hands, setting Amaryllis' book and its translation aside on the sheets for a moment.

"Hrm…" Arum notes that this leather is vaguely tattered, but not mended with care as the quiver is. He slips the knife out, and Damien turns towards him and tenses at the edge of his vision but Arum is far too distracted to care because- "Honeysuckle, have you no respect at all for your weaponry? I understand that you favor your bow but-" he turns the blade in the light, noting the dullness of the edge, the light speckling of rust across the metal. "This is a travesty. It is dull as a branch and it looks as if it went swimming with you. You would be more likely to harm yourself with this mistreated thing than any enemy." He growls low, scraping his claw along the edge of the blade, bringing it closer to his snout to inspect more closely, clicking his tongue in disappointment. "Careless. Negligent. You must have a whetstone somewhere, oils and the like, honeysuckle. Bring them here this instant and I will give this little blade the care it has been denied."

Arum continues to turn the blade close in front of his eye, and it takes him a long moment to realize that Damien has not moved. Arum blinks, shaking his head, and then he looks over the metal and Damien meets his eye, his seated stance tense, his hands on his bow gone slack and his eyes bright with worry and with- something else Arum cannot interpret.

Arum frowns, unsure for a long moment precisely what the issue is, before he realizes-

A knife in his hands. An armed monster, and a knight with his bow unstrung.

Of course.

Arum looks away from Damien, his breath rattling in discomfort, and his hands flex against the hilt of the blade. He inhales around the strange weight in his chest, and then he hisses the breath back out through his teeth. "Don't be foolish, honeysuckle," he manages in a growl. "What could I do with this wretched knife that I could not do with my claws already? If I wanted to hurt you, there would be cleverer ways than this. Bring me the tools. I do not care to watch you oil and polish and spoil your favored toy over there while this little edge remains in disrepair. Besides," he gives a short, stilted laugh, "a dull knife is far, far more dangerous than the alternative. I will protect you from your own negligence, have no fear."

Arum does not look back towards Damien, so he does not see whatever expression it is that the poet wears as he stares for another long moment. He manages not to look when he hears Damien rise to stand, as well, though when the knight leaves the room he cannot keep his shoulders from sagging.

Damien does not have the first clue what Arum is capable of, with any sort of blade. Damien does not have the first clue what Arum is capable of at all. But obviously, obviously the knight's instincts are sound. He is more correct than even he knows.

Damien returns, and without a word he hands Arum the requested tools, and then he goes to resume his own tasks.

Without a word, Arum turns the blade in his hands, and then he begins the slow, gentle work of restoring it to its proper sharpness, and shine.

 ~

The false Rattlepanther is a puddle of melted spores behind them, and Dampierre bursts out from a tangle of bramble and glossy leaves. Their entrance into the clearing scatters the thick pink mist enough that Rilla sees the source of the noises immediately, the shouting, the fighting-

Damien and Arum, trying to kill each other in the mud, just beneath the enormous thumping threat of the Numb-Cap.

They're both bloody already. The bandages on Arum's midsection are soaked through with red beneath the dirty brown, his frill is worse off, even, than it had been when she found him in the first place, and Damien- Damien's arms are totally sliced up, obvious claw wounds, and there is a similar gash across one cheek, too, bleeding brightly over his chin and down his neck as they grapple with each other, their legs caught tight together in the sticky grip of a writhing pink slime mold beneath them.

"Damien! Damien stop-"

They do not pull away from each other, but both of them glance towards her for a moment as she leaps down from the saddle, Arum with his teeth bared and bloody, Damien with his eyes flat and hard and blank.

"Of course," Damien says in a cold murmur. "Of course. I begin to doubt and- and you, my precious flower, you come like dawn to show me my true path. To remind me of my duty. This creature has twisted your mind, has pulled your heart from me-"

Her heart plunges like a stone, actually, at the accusation. "Damien, that's not-"

"Has upset the order of our very lives. It is for you, my love, that I must kill this monster. I must slay this beast."

"If you even can, you boasting little fool-"

"Don't! Stop! Just- don't do anything, I'm coming over there and-"

"Rilla, wait-" Marc grabs her shoulder, and Rilla fights back an urge to smack him. "Remember how it was with Talfryn. They're knee-deep in slime, and for all we know they could be more of those spore illusion things, right?"

"I-" Rilla looks back towards them, and then she meets Marc's eyes. "I don't know. I don't know if- I don't know why they would-"

"If you go over there you're gonna get stuck in it too," he says, and Rilla grits her teeth together tight.

"If they're real they're going to kill each other!"

Marc's brow furrows, but he shakes his head. "So what do we do, then? Maybe we can pull Damien out, but that monster's not gonna make it easy, and we gotta do that without getting sucked in in the meantime."

"I know, I know," Rilla chokes, her mind spinning in helpless circles as Damien and Arum fight. "I just- I'm thinking, I'll-"

"Do you think they're real?" Marc presses, squeezing her shoulder, and Rilla looks up at him for a moment before she looks back towards the grappling pair. "Talfryn- those things he said. All of that- it was on my mind today. Would Damien fighting a monster like this, would that have been on your mind today? Or- is there any chance Damien would even be out here?"

She and Marc have been turned around enough- Rilla doesn't even know how far they are from the hut, anymore. Could Damien and Arum actually be out here? Is that possible? Rilla doesn't have a clue. Possible or not, though-

Real or not. Rilla's heart is pounding and pounding and pounding. Louder than the Numb-Cap. Twice as fast, too. Damien and Arum trying to kill each other- would they? Would they really, or is Rilla just so scared, does the idea hurt her so much-

Arum isn't evil. Arum wouldn't hurt her. She knows that. She's been hoping that Arum not hurting her would extend to Damien, too, but- but Damien still thinks-

Rilla can't even tell who's winning. Damien's bowstring is snapped, it looks like he's just trying to stab Arum with one of his arrows instead, and Arum is holding him back from completing the strike with two clawed hands digging into his wrists, his other hands swiping towards Damien's stomach.

"Stop!" Marc's hand on her shoulder is the only thing that keeps her from bolting towards him. "Saints- stop it! Stop fighting! You're going to kill each other-"

"I will slay this beast," Damien snarls, his muscles straining as he twists, barely avoiding the claws and barely having his own strike held off. "I must do my duty-"

"Get on with it, then, honeysuckle," Arum snarls, claws drawing blood at his wrists, and Damien cries out-

"Arum!"

"I told you, Amaryllis. I warned you that you would not be able to collar him-"

"Be silent, beast," Damien shouts, wrenching his arms back from Arum's resisting hands, "and die-"

Damien's hands bring the arrow down, and Arum's hands swing his claws up-

And Rilla isn't even sure which terrifies her more.

Damien plunges the arrow into Arum's shoulder and he gives a pained, gasping snarl that stretches into almost a howl, and at the same moment Arum's claws find Damien's ribs, making him scream.

Rilla could scream too. She can- she knows- the angle of the arrow, the depth of Arum's claws, she can still fix them, both of them, she can still make this okay if she can get them away from each other-

If they're real.

Arum digs his claws in, twisting his wrists. Damien shouts, and grits his teeth, and pushes the arrow deeper, and behind them, the Numb-Cap beats like a giant exposed heart.

Rilla takes a breath. She digs her hand into the satchels at her belt.

"Step back, Dampierre," she says, and as the horse moves she moves with him, until they are just barely far enough, and then she throws the explosive.

It catches quickly. The slime mold races with fire as if it is soaked with oil, and the fighting figures are caught within it, so-

They burn beneath the mushroom, screaming and writhing, and Arum does not pull his claws from Damien, and Damien does not release his grip on the arrow. Not even when the both of them melt and pop into a flurry of burning spores, as the Numb-Cap's horrible beating heart finally scorches out.

Death grip, Rilla thinks grimly, and then she leans heavy against Dampierre.

She guessed right. It wasn't them. She didn't kill them.

The light of the flames is still burnt into the back of her eyes, two twisting silhouettes, intertwined.

She guessed right.

That doesn't make her feel better. Not at all.

~

"There," Arum says softly, and Damien, who has long since finished with his bow and has now resorted to rearranging the entire contents of his traveling packs, looks up.

"There?"

"It has been treated as well as possible, with the tools provided. I hope it shall not be so neglected again."

He holds the knife out between them, then, hilt first, and Damien-

Damien stands, slowly, and steps close enough to reach out and take the blade back.

Arum drops his hand and his gaze once the knife is in Damien's hands. Damien lifts it closer, inspecting, and-

It is beautiful. Arum even polished the hilt, even cleaned the grit from the engravings. Damien can see the surprise in his own eyes reflected in the new shine of the metal, and he can tell when he tests it against his thumb that it is sharper, perhaps, than it has ever been.

"It is nearly as sharp and dangerous as I am, now," Arum hisses low with a flick of the tongue, and something about his tone coils in Damien's stomach, and his breath catches and his fingers twitch and-

"Ah!"

Damien only barely manages not to drop the blade, though he has run the curved tip across his palm, below his thumb, pulling open a shallow red line.

"Honeysuckle-" Arum sits up straighter, his tongue darting in the air again, and then his brow furrows deep. "Foolish creature. I sharpened it. Did you not think it would then be sharp? "

"My- my hand slipped, Arum, I assure you it was not some intentional testing of your word. Ah, ah-"

Arum slips from the sheets, rolling unsteadily to his feet. "Let me see- ah, not too terribly deep, then." He reaches a hand out, taking the blade back, and then he pushes Damien so that he stumbles to sit on the bed instead. Damien makes an instinctive noise in protest, but Arum narrows his eyes sternly. "Sit, you delicate little songbird." He turns away then, limping to the counter and then reaching to rummage through the cabinets, grumbling to himself as he goes.

"Arum, I-"

"Hush. I have seen the doctor work enough that I believe I can manage so small a wound as this." He returns with disinfectant and a roll of bandages, and when Damien opens his mouth to protest again he scowls. "I should certainly love to see you attempt to apply all of this one handed, honeysuckle. It was my efforts that you managed to damage yourself upon, allow me to fix it so you may not lay this blame on me as well."

Damien feels his cheeks darkening as Arum kneels heavily beside the bed, and then he takes Damien's hands in his own with an inarguable sort of gentleness, turning his palm upwards and hissing low. His eyes glitter as he examines the injury, as he begins to treat it.

Lord Arum does not work with the same smiling sort of care that his Rilla does, but he is efficient and attentive, even as he growls under his breath. When he slices through the bandage with a claw to separate it from the roll, Damien's pulse jumps oddly, his breath catching, and Arum meets his eye for a moment.

"Careless little honeysuckle," he murmurs as he finishes the wrapping. Then he draws his claws over the white of the bandages on Damien’s palm with a delicacy that makes Damien's skin race with something that feels like lightning. "If I did not know any better, I would think you were trying to have your petals plucked…"

Damien feels heat rush through him like a furnace door thrown open at his back, his hand flexing in Arum's grasp. "I… Lord Arum, I…" he pauses, and Arum's eyes are so vivid, so strange. "Th-thank you."

Arum blinks, and then his vivid eyes drop. He releases Damien's hand, then shifts to grip the bed so he can pull himself to stand. "Don't thank me," he mutters, his tone so entirely blank after the strange warmth that came before. "It was my sharpness that cut you. I was simply ensuring that you would have no evidence to throw in Amaryllis' face to push further towards my death, little knight."

The coldness of the words pushes Damien to stand, far more than Arum climbing back into the bed does.

"Arum-"

"What?" Arum is already curled onto his side atop the blankets, already turned away, but he shoots Damien an irritable look over his shoulder. “What, knight?”

Damien feels his mouth hanging open. His eyes draw slow along the strange, elegant curves of Arum's snout, his teeth, his horns, but he cannot find the right words.

The pause hangs too long, and Arum drops his eyes with a sigh, rolling to face away.

Damien feels his heart, thudding like a stranger at the door. He lifts his bandaged hand, cupping it to his chest, and he feels the wound pulse too, with each unceasing beat.

~

The jungle is darker, after all that fire, and there is a glass jar rattling heavy (in metaphorical weight) in Rilla's pocket, and Rilla has enough Numb-Cap to make Marc's medicine for years, now, and she's so tired that she feels like she could collapse. And Marc-

"So… Rilla… do you want to-"

"No."

"You didn't even let me finish!"

"You were gonna ask again if I wanna talk about it, and I don't, Marc."

"But, Rilla-"

Rilla scowls and starts walking faster, pulling ahead of Marc and Dampierre for a moment or two.

"Rilla! C'mon, don't- don't be like that. You can't honestly expect me not to be worried! That- that whole thing-"

"We handled it, Marc. It's done with."

"We did and don't get me wrong, any adventure with that many explosions is gonna wind up featured prominently in my memoirs, but seriously, what the hell was that?"

"A bunch of big, gross, mutated fungi with shitty magic metaphor powers," she gripes, but Marc pulls Dampierre in front of her, making her stumble to a scowling stop. "Marc. I want to go home, finish your pills, and go to sleep."

"You know that's not what I meant, Rilla." He stares down at her, his eyebrows furrowed with uncharacteristic gravity. "That fake-monster that fake-Damien was trying to kill. You called it by name, Rilla."

Rilla's muscles tense. She hadn't- she didn't realize that-

"If you're doing something dangerous- we're family, Rilla. I just want to know that you're safe, okay? It's been … things have been dangerous, lately. More dangerous than normal, I mean. The monsters have been pulling stuff like that fungus, you know? Stuff that gets in your head, uses your fears against you, turns you against each other, and I just- I know you won't take a break from your work, but I need to know that you're at least looking out for yourself."

"I'm looking out for myself, Marc," she grits out through her teeth, and then she pushes her way around Dampierre. They're close enough to the hut that she can see the light through the underbrush, and she just doesn't have the energy-

"I'm just- c'mon, I'm not being unfair here, I know I'm not," he says, trotting after her again. "Just tell me why you seemed just as freaked out about Damien hurting that lizard as you did about it going the other way, Rilla, because I just can't-"

She spins back, scowling. "Drop it, Marc!"

"Just give me something to go on, here! Give me something that lets me know you aren't doing something illegal and dangerous again, because right now I'm scared that the next time you get caught red handed, they're gonna skip the exile and go straight for execution!"

Rilla's breath catches. "I- I-"

"Rilla," Marc says. "Please. You know that I love you. You gotta talk to me, because if things have gone so wrong that I'm the one worrying about you? We're breaking the natural order of the universe, here. Water's gonna start flowing uphill next thing you know."

A laugh pushes past her panic, choking but sincere. She hesitates, then steps closer to Marc again, reaching a hand to rub Dampierre's ear as she meets Marc's eye.

"I love you too," she says, first, and then she sighs. "I wish I could explain, Marc, I really, really do, but- but I don't know how to. You just have to trust me. You have to trust that I know what I'm doing."

"You say that even when you don't know what you're doing, though," he points out, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah, well." She shakes her head. "This time I mean it, okay? Look, just- I didn't know for sure that they were fake when I burned them, Marc. I had a solid theory, but I didn't know, and I still did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Because I knew Damien would rather burn than kill himself with guilt, and because I knew if I was wrong about A-" she stumbles. "About the monster, if he would hurt Damien or anyone else, it would be my fault. So- so I burned them."

"Rilla…"

"You have to trust me," she repeats. "I know that I'm right. That I'm doing the right thing. But- but if the evidence doesn't bear that out, I'll … I'll face those consequences. I'll deal with the situation. I'll fix it."

Marc's frown eases, just slightly, and after a moment he sighs, reaching out to pat the back of her hand. "Alright, Rilla. Okay. Just… be careful? And- and just- let me know, y’know? If you need help, if- if things get out of hand."

Rilla sighs, too tired to bristle properly at the suggestion that she might need help, and then she nods. "I know, Marc. I will. Now c'mon, we're almost there, and I still gotta make your medicine."

~

They hear Rilla come in through the closed exam room door, and she calls out very clearly to Marc through the outer door before they hear her pull the window open so she can continue to talk to him as she starts to mix her ingredients together.

It takes about an hour, all told, and Damien does not relax that entire time. From the way Arum keeps forgetting himself and growling low, from the way his tail continues to flick and thrash, neither does the monster. Eventually, though, Rilla passes some quiet words to Marc, and then she finally, finally closes the window again. Even through the door Damien can hear Rilla sigh so deeply it makes Damien's heart pull, her exhaustion a physical sort of pain within him.

Once he hears the hoofbeats fade away from the hut, Damien pulls the door of the exam room open and Rilla is already standing just outside, her legs muddy to the knee, her hair pulling from her braid and clouding around her, her eyes bright, and she looks at him and then over his shoulder at Arum and then her shoulders sag and her face splits with such relief that it looks as if it may crumple her.

Damien takes her into his arms instantly, without thought, guiding her back out into the front room. "Rilla, my dearest, my Amaryllis, you aren't hurt, are you?"

"No. I promise, I'm not, I just-"

"What happened?"

"Monster mushrooms, basically," she mumbles, shrugging, and Damien tries not to feel it like ice in his guts, his failure to protect her. "We- we dealt with it."

He inhales, exhales, prays for a silent moment, and then he asks, "And you are certain that you were not hurt?"

"I'm just-" her voice is too thick, but she gives a laugh through it, waving a hand in the air and pushing her hair out of her face. "Tired, that's all. I'm just- exhausted and covered in gross fungus slime and- and I've got about a thousand sticks caught in my hair, and- and- and I'm glad," she laughs again, a little wild. "I'm glad you didn't f-fight, while I was gone."

"Of course not," Damien says, as soft as he can manage, and then he pulls her closer, squeezing tight for just a moment before he spins, turning her as if they're dancing for only a breath. She chokes a surprised laugh against him as he gently maneuvers her to sit by the table, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. "Now. I can help with at least one of your dilemmas, my love. Let me fetch a brush, and I will at least help you comb the jungle from your hair before we sleep."

She inhales a shaky breath, then nods. "Alright. I'm- I'm not gonna argue if you wanna- if you wanna spoil me a bit," she murmurs weakly.

"Always," he murmurs through a smile, "I always do." He kisses her temple again before he straightens to go fetch the comb.

When he returns, Arum is in the doorway of his room, peering out at the herbalist with obvious concern, leaning heavily on his crutch.

"You are- not injured?"

Rilla sighs, and that more than anything assures Damien that her exhaustion is no small thing. Ordinarily, she would at least scowl at having that question asked of her a third time.

"Merely weary, she assures me," Damien says, and Arum flicks his eyes towards the knight for a moment before he frowns, and then nods. The monster watches as Damien steps close again, sinking to sit behind Rilla so he may take the tie from her hair, and slowly begin to comb out the tangles, the leaves and- and bits of ash that seem to have stuck there.

She sighs again, deep and tired, leaning back into Damien's hands, and he slowly, soothingly, quietly combs out her hair. He's nearly forgotten Arum watching them by the time the monster slowly crosses the room, sinking to sit at the other end of the table, watching with suspicious, curious eyes. When Damien is finished, when he has managed the worst of the tangles and brushed out the soot and debris, he sighs, and then he starts to separate out the sections to pull her hair into a new braid, but-

"Ah. Hm."

His hand. The hurt is almost entirely dulled, by now, but the placement of the cut and the resulting placement of the bandages make it so he cannot quite bend his thumb in the way he needs to. Rilla glances over her shoulder, blinking at him muzzily, and then she finally seems to notice the injury herself, sucking in a startled breath.

"Damien, what- what happened? " She pulls his hand into her own, her thumbs gentle on his skin, and over her head Damien watches as Arum cringes, drawing his shoulders up towards his chin, clearly expecting-

"Simply a cut, love. I was going through my packs, and I was careless, and I cut myself. I assure you I am fine."

She frowns, and then she shoots him a look. "This bandaging is too neat. You didn't do this."

Brilliant, Damien thinks helplessly, his heart pooling with bright, sparking love. "No," he says. "It would have been too difficult, of course, with only the one hand. Lord Arum was… generous enough to assist."

Lord Arum hisses under his breath at the mention, his frill raising and his face turned decidedly away from the both of them, now, hidden by the folds.

"He was, huh?" Rilla says, and her amusement manages to push through the layer of exhaustion that hangs upon her. Amusement, and a clear note of fondness, as well. "Well…" she pauses, gently turning Damien's hand in her own, biting her lip. "I… my hands are a little… shaky, at the moment. Maybe he'd wanna be generous again, just for a second?"

Arum freezes, and then his frill presses to his neck and he glances towards the pair of them with a look of alarm.

"Wh- what do you mean? What do you want?"

Rilla ducks her head, and then she glances up at the monster and Damien knows what she means, even if Arum does not.

Damien feels, perhaps, that he should be… concerned, at the very least. Disgusted, perhaps. But…

"Do you… do you know how to braid, Lord Arum?" he asks, tilting his head, and Arum blinks, and then scowls.

"Of course I do. Don't ask foolish questions."

"Would you… perhaps… would you help me to braid Rilla's hair, again? With my hand…" Damien frowns gently at himself, and he fully expects the monster to snap, to laugh, to bolt.

Arum stares, his violet eyes wide and stunned, and then he drops his gaze, pulling his hands close to wring awkwardly in front of himself for a moment before he seems to become aware of what he is doing, and then without answering he- he crawls closer, bringing himself beside Damien and stubbornly not looking at Rilla as she smiles, breathing a soft laugh.

"Fine. Helpless little thing. Move aside, will you?"

Damien shifts, moving to sit beside Rilla instead, and then he gestures for Arum to take his place, and the monster does so with a graceless grumble. Rilla exhales, her eyes closing again as three of Arum's hands (the fourth, his broken wrist, apparently not quite dexterous enough for the task just yet) sink into Rilla's hair, parting and sectioning it off before he starts to weave an elegant braid slowly down.

Arum's shoulders are stiff, at first, but Rilla is quiet in front of him and the monster seems to ease into the pattern of the motions, eventually, and Damien is quiet as well as he watches, the movements of Arum's scaled hands almost hypnotic in their rhythmic consistency.

Rilla falls asleep before he is halfway done. Damien thinks that Arum notices that this has happened as well, considering the way that his motions grow slower and more careful as his claws carefully twine her hair together. When he reaches the last few inches, Damien passes him the little leather band for him to tie at the bottom of the braid. Damien tilts his head to better see the rippling whole of it, a complex and beautiful weave, even if it was only done with three of the monster's four hands. Damien is unsure if he could replicate it with only his two. He finds himself wondering what sorts of complexities they could create if he and Arum were both to…

Arum is staring at the braid as well, and he lifts a hand as if to drift it down the softness of Rilla's hair, but he stops himself just before he makes contact. He pulls his hand back to his chest, clutching the scales just over his heart, and Damien feels his own heart skip, oddly.

Arum glances towards him then, his tongue flicking.

"What… ah… she has-" he pauses, hissing a low, concerned noise. "Amaryllis is sleeping on my legs, honeysuckle. What- what- what do I do?"

Damien barely manages to muffle his laugh so that it does not bubble bright and loud. He does not wish to wake her, if he can help it, but it is- ridiculous, utterly absurd, for Lord Arum to be so thoroughly trapped merely because he does not wish to wake Rilla. Damien has some degree of practice in this arena, however.

"Just be still for one moment, Lord Arum," Damien murmurs, and then he comes closer, eyeing the both of them and taking a moment to determine his approach. He leans down, slipping one arm beneath Rilla's knees, the other behind her back. It is impossible not to touch Lord Arum in this, too, since she is leaning back against the monster, and his scales are cool and strange against Damien's arm. Arum hisses low at the contact, and his chest is rumbling in a way that vibrates against Damien's skin. Damien tries not to notice. Tries not to feel the way the contact makes his stomach twist, the odd contrast of Rilla's gentle warmth in his arms beside Arum's coolness, and then he carefully, carefully lifts.

Rilla, safe in his arms, her head slumping to rest against his shoulder with her monster-woven braid rippling down her back, and Arum stares up at the both of them with his head tilted, his expression focused and wary, and Damien smiles without meaning to.

"Thank you," he murmurs, and Arum scowls but does not deflect this time, and Damien drops his gaze from the monster as he carefully carries Rilla to the bedroom.

When he reaches the doorway, however, he hesitates, and then he glances back towards Arum, still sat amongst the cushions by the table.

"Can… can you manage back to your room on your own?" Damien asks, after a pause, and Arum looks away.

"In a few minutes, perhaps," he mutters. "I believe the doctor put my legs to sleep along with herself."

Damien stifles another laugh, pressing his lips softly to Rilla's hair to hide his smile. He hesitates again, but then-

"When I have settled her… I will come help you to your feet again, at least," he murmurs.

Arum blinks, his thin lips parting in surprise, but Damien simply nods and carries Rilla into her room, before Arum can thank him. Before Damien can memorize that precise look, flustered surprise shaping Arum's inhuman face.

[->]

[a-muse]

FVD - Week 6

I love these banners and creating them as well. These started off as an accident and I had to continue throughout. Now, you might be asking that why a design student of the 21st century using fonts and colours that were used in 60s, 70s or 80s. Well, what to say. I love me some retro. I wanted to have that splash of yesteryear in my blog atleast for the FVD module.

Ok now enough about the banners. We are here. We crossed everything, every hurdle, every internet connection issues, all the sleepless nights and everything to final stage of the Fundamentals to Visual Design Module. 

And someone told me Masters would be chill. They cannot be more wrong. But they were wrong about one more thing as well. No one mentioned to me about Masters being so much of fun iterating, discussing, doing and re-doing and trying out new avenues and finding a bit about yourself every single day. Thank you NID for that.

So, final week was very very exciting and hectic. Starting off with colour compositions and then the final assignment which was with a huge group of 9 people. Yes, 9. Late night classes, Meetings from one morning till next morning. Hundreds of zoom meeting links and hours and hours of explorations, failures and what not. 

The first assignment of Week 6 was to create compositions in colour with basic shapes, lines and dots. Let me tell you the brief:

Take two 20cm X 20cm squares. Using any two geometric shapes (circle, triangle, square, rectangle or rhombus), lines and dots (size and colour is decided by you) create two compositions that represents any of the following words~ love, fear, hate, friendship, sweet, bitter, sour, vast, future, past, many, shallow, flight, infinite. Make a window of 8cmX8cm, identify the predominating gestalt laws and the principles of design from your compositions. Take photograph of those 8cm X8cm squares.

I decided to go with Fear and Future as my keywords. They were randomly picked up by me actually. But I wanted to take a different kind of approach to this assignment. How about create a very short narration and base my keywords on that and create a colour palette accordingly. Sounds fun, right? Let me walk you through my explorations and thumbnails.

Fear Exploration -1

 Narration:

“32457…..123 , is this the right one? No.”

You check the number again. You are surprised that the thing that you have anticipated all this while might just become true today. The anxiety runs within you making. You try not to get alarmed. You see a frightened expression on your screen

You end up clicking on submit and the loading animation starts. You hold your breath. This is 12th boards, not a child’s play.

Keywords and colour Palettes:

Associated Elements:

Triangles, Circles, Lines

Fear Exploration-1

_______________________________________________________________________

Fear Exploration 2

Narration:

You turn around and see that the place is entirely new. Did I take the right turn or left?

Anxiety grips you in it’s arms. You are alarmed with every movement around you. You start striding excitedly. You can sense people staring at you, few in a surprising way and some with an alarmed look on their face.

‘Oh, but there is Google Maps, right?’ you think to yourself. You take out your phone and well you have no internet!

Keywords and colour Palettes:

Associated Elements:

Triangles, Rectangles, Lines

Fear Exploration-2

_______________________________________________________________________

Fear Exploration -3

Narration:

Something is about to get you. You turn around and see no one but you do feel some presence. You hurriedly climb down the stairs humming to yourself because apparently humming helps us relax. But as soon you grab the bottle of water, you go into flight mode and run up the stairs without looking behind.You reach your bed, gulp a few sips of water and jump into your blanket and mumble, “No more horror movies after 10 next time!”

Keywords and Colour Palettes:

Associated Elements:

Triangles, Lines (Wavy)

Fear Exploration -3

_______________________________________________________________________

Future Exploration 1

Narration:

It has been almost one year since the world has been in a total chaos. There is this cloud of uncertainty which lingers above. Ambiguous predictions are being delivered.

There has been a few developments here and there and one could feel that silver lining of hope.

The end result is limitless.

Keywords and Colour Palettes:

Associated Elements:

Circles, Rectangles, Lines, Dots

Future Exploration -1

_______________________________________________________________________

Future Exploration -2

Narration:

Unlimited possibilities, both good and bad. The world is moving at a faster pace than ever but most of the ways are same. There are new avenues opening up here and there with innovations and changes in policies. Although robots have taken over, there is a small portion of  humans who still take care of few of the major decisions.

Although, the rule of the robots have gotten the world into a monotonous state.

Keywords and Colour Palettes:

Associated Elements:

Circles, Rectangles, Lines, Dots

Future Exploration -2

_______________________________________________________________________

Final Compositions:

Fear:

Final Composition- Fear

Principles from 8cm x 8cm window:

Rhythm \ Point of Interest-

Point of Interest:

Harmony-

_______________________________________________________________________

Future:

Future Final Composition

Principles from 8cm x 8cm window:

Harmony-

Rhythm (Colour)-

Point of Interest-

_______________________________________________________________________

Ok now on to the final assignment. This was very a  very intense 3 days with little or no sleep for all us and I understood what it is to be awake for 72 hours at a stretch. Getting the idea finalised, working on the visuals, coordinating with the entire team seated around in different parts of India, it was a whole journey in itself.

The brief:

You will work in a group of 8 (plus minus 1/2).

You will need to create a narrative (5 minutes video). The narrative has to be about transition; it could be colour transition, for an example from Spring to the Winter. Or could be a transition between the design principles, like Rhythm-harmony-point of interest. Like mentioned in case of colour, they could have real life reference, but must be shown in abstract. Example- you can think of a train for a rhythm, but must represent the train with abstract.

The video will have music- but completely composed and played by the group. No recorded sounds are allowed (not even chirping of birds); you will have to make the music. You also cannot use any conventional music instruments. It has to be made wih whatever you get like utensils, broom anything- other than musical instruments or digital music creation/ sound engineering.

You need to perform as the elements of composition that you are creating- so here you will need to coordinate, as you cannot all come together and perform. You can mime, dance- whatever; but dialogues are not allowed. Also you need to chnage the space in which you are going to perform accordingly- using whatever you have at home, saree, dupatta, buckets-absolutely anything. You can ask your family members to record the video while you perform, collect all the pieces and edit to make a single one for submission.

If you cannot deal with a video, you could use a PPT- but animated with slide transitions, creating a stop motion film, with the music and exported it as a movie.

Let me introduce my Dream Team to you.

Ipsita Rajak, Shreeya Patil, Ranjana Kumari, Sagar Biswas, Dikshita Pant, Anushka Kamble, Krishna Kant Pal, Pujashi Dhurvey and me (Surya Sathi Roy)

We planned on using whatever resources we have for the film from the very first go.

These were some of the initial ideas for the final movie. Few of these ideas were:

1. Cotton to Fabric

2. Fluidity to Rigidity

3. Coal to Diamond

4. Sleep Cycles

5. Day to Night.

6. Silkworm to Silk Yarn

7. Seed to Blueberry or Strawberry

8. 7 Ages by William Shakespeare

and many many more. We were almost on an idea rush that day.

Finally we decided on two ideas:

1. Ship in a storm

2. Breaking the monotony

And we decided to merge these two to make our final video assignment.

You can view our entire ideation here: https://miro.com/app/board/o9J_lf7aDQw=/

A basic methodology was chalked out and we proceeded ahead with our narrations:

Then, we moved on to ways and mediums of creating the movie. 

And deciding on the main narrative:

Our brief clearly asked us to use our own space and convert it to create the film.

Parallel Narratives for the movie

We started ideating on ways to shoot the sequences and what kind of experimentations can be done.

Now, off to the fun part. The main shoot. Let me show you some visuals and behind the scenes from our movie.

1st Stage. Courtesy: Dikshita

1st Stage. Courtesy: Dikshita

1st stage. Courtesy- Ipsita

1st stage. Courtesy- Ipsita

2nd Stage. Courtesy Ranjana

2nd stage. Courtesy- My curtains

2nd Stage. Courtesy- Krishna Kant

4th Stage. Courtesy- Pujashri

3rd Stage. Courtesy- Shreeya and Anushka

After too many failures in our explorations, we proceeded steadily. We also started creating BG sound clips. We tried everything. From glasses filled with water (Jal Tarang) to echoing voices in bathrooms, rattle sounds of brushes in a tin can and also banging buckets to create beats at 3 am in the morning which finally outraged the street dog community and they barked till morning disturbing everyone’s sleep. Fun fact, we also met at 12 am with our mentors, Chaula and Shubhra in the morning of the day of the premiere just to discuss our progress. Thank you Chaula and Shubhra. You are an inspiration and the very best.

Ok jokes apart. Let me tell you in brief the idea behind the movie.

Two aims, two worlds, two journeys - one common element which binds them together, HOPE. This is a journey through the experiences of storm outside and the storm which forms in your mind. Being stuck at one place, we go into a routine without even realising it and that gets to us eventually. We feel the need to break free. In another world, chaos is the rule of the land and peace is a myth. Here someone realises the presence of a peace and serene world.

Now, enough with the talking. Let me show you what we have come up with. I hope you enjoy as much as we did while making this. 

Disclaimer: Nothing was harmed during the filming of this movie, except perhaps sleep cycles.

Ok, so how did you like this movie?

Next day, we had a session from 11 am which was best to say an entire film festival in itself. We watched a total of 12 shortfilms together. Each one with a different but gripping narration. It was a journey, more like a multi course meal at a posh 5 star with 116 members, including faculties and students.

Ok, now I need a break. These 6 weeks were very insightful and another booster to this journey called National Institute of Design and I am very exhausted as well. Anyway, Diwali is here.

Can we talk next week? Thanks a lot for understanding.  

Alvida, Adios, Tata, Bye Bye, Hasta la Vista and Sayonara till next time.

[restoringbalance8-blog]

Imperfection and a journey

Originally I was not going to post any information on here that was untrue: I do not want to reproduce someone else’s blog on health giving out information like ‘coconut oil is bad for you!’ because A) That’s not true and B) Even though it makes sense in their article, the facts are shallow and therefore extremely misleading, and C) 99% of the time the author (lol @ Stuff.co.nz ) have no good sources.

Which is why I was waiting till I knew for certain that hormone imbalance and balancing is a thing, by trialling out different methods to balance my hormones and looking at the results. But, all good things take time, and I’m super impatient so instead, I’m going to write about the things I’m doing to help balance my hormones and the reasons behind taking certain actions (according to my readings). In future posts, I will write about the results of certain actions (e.g. certain foods, herbs, exercise...) and hopefully, it will become helpful to anyone who reads this!

So, here goes nothing.

Hormone imbalance is usually the reason behind ‘why am I doing this, this and this and I still feel tired/overweight/hungry/fatigued/emotional/numb?!?!?’

Hormonal imbalance is becoming more and more frequent in the population as modern lifestyles subject us to a lot of toxins (think pollution, inorganic foods, additives, preservatives... basically anything un-natural). The population as a whole is seeing a rise in oestrogen dominance and excessive cortisol production. Oestrogen is primarily a female-associated hormone- an increased level of oestrogen will give people a more feminine appearance or outlook- e.g. boobs (or moobs), more emotionally sensitive, stored fat around hips and lower abdomen, etc. Cortisol is a stress hormone which is being excessively produced with the modern stresses of life- increased workload and what not. 

However, men are becoming more oestrogen dominant, giving them moobs or lower sperm counts. Women are having increased levels of oestrogen on top of their already oestrogen dominant nature, which is a concern since an imbalance of hormones is associated with fertility issues, unhealthy weight gain or inability to lose excess weight, water retention/bloating excessive mood swings, especially around ovulation/period time. Excruciating period pain a cause of hormonal imbalance- this is abnormal (well it is VERY common, but it’s not the way things should be... if that makes sense). Pretty much, an unhealthy increase of oestrogen is making the fun characteristics of the female not so fun by swinging them to an extreme. 

Personally, I am concerned with excessive oestrogen dominance and general hormonal imbalance with my inability to lose excess weight on my lower abdomen. I eat healthy like a crazy person, and I work out like an even crazier person- so I don’t really know why I don’t have that highly coveted 6-pack yet. It is most likely that my competitive and high-performance personality causes a lot of stress in my body and therefore, excessive hormone production. The female body is like an intricate and delicate clock- more so than a male’s (a male’s hormones is a lot less complex since they don’t have to make babies). There are a lot of things that contribute to hormone imbalance or balance, as seen in the picture below. I will list some lifestyle choices that I am undertaking to help (hopefully) balance my hormones!

1. Going off the pill- even though the pill didn’t seem to affect my weight, mood, or anything really, I felt a bit unnatural taking a small pill every morning that prevented my period- it scared me that something that small is so powerful in its effects, and even though having no period is great- if I’m gonna do this whole hormonal balance thing, the first step is probably getting off synthetic hormones

2. Less exposure to plastic water bottles and plastic- reusing your plastic water bottle is really bad as the plastic leeches toxins which the body recognises as ‘xenooestrogen’ (oestrogen outside the body) and releases aggressive oestrogen in the body.

3. No dairy or cheaply raised meats - I didn’t have to change this one as I have been dairy free and vegetarian for 4 years, but cows and factory-raised chickens are fed synthetic hormones in order to reproduce faster, which is then reproduced in their animal products. If you do eat meat, eggs or dairy- organic and free farmed is definitely the way to go. 

4. No soy- Ok I cheat on this one quite a bit because there is nothing like a good soy latte.. but I’m slowly switching to almond milk and coconut milk which I am growing to like very much. They say that if you’re skinny or old you can probably have soy, but I am neither (yes I’m slim but by no means skinny). This is because soy contains oestrogen. Fermented soy like Tamari sauce and Tempeh is given the OK. 

5. Increasing veggies, fat and protein intake. Cruciferous veggies like cabbage, bok choy, broccoli sprouts, cauliflower and kale are very good for detoxifying oestrogen. I am loving sauerkraut... it tastes so good on top of lentils and since sauerkraut is fermented cabbage, it is not only PROBIOTIC (good for gut health and digestion) but cruciferous (good for helping reduce antioxidants and linked to lowering cancer risk, hormone imbalance etc. etc.) In sum, eat your veggies people!

6. No parabens in skin lotions and using more natural products in general. I’m good at this one because in Year 10 I read something about how parabens are linked to breast cancer and I was obsessive even when I was 14 years old so I cut parabens out of my life 4eva. Tailor Skin Care has been my natural skincare saviour recently as I have only just discovered that moisturiser is essential in preventing gnarly pimples/redness, and Tailor ingredients make my skin all glowy and nice. Highly recommend!!

7. Eating heaps of vitamins! Vitamin A, C and Bs are just so good for you! Berries, Carrots, seaweed (I like CeresOrganics roasted seaweed- also very good for iodine supplementation- a  hormone essential for metabolism), oranges and all the citrus fruits.... eat da rainbow pretty much

8. Omega 3s and healthy fats- chia seeds, salmon if you eat it, brazil nuts and raw nuts in general (I am loving MotherEarth $4 DeluxeNatural nuts atm- best price I can find for raw nuts and also such a filling snack, helping me not buy Midnight Espresso cake lmao), coconut products---- looooving coconut oil for frying!!, extra virgin olive oil, AVOCADO: a little bit unattainable with $5 avocados as the norm in this Wellington winter :(  but I eat them when I can.

9. CHOCOLATE!!!! Dark of course- gotta avoid sugar as much as possible. The higher percentage, the better. I am loving Pana chocolate (expenny as $7 for a small bar but SO yum and so so so good for you). Add cacao to your smoothies for a perfect antioxidant boost. Cacao also helps reduce oestrogen and cortisol receptor binding- whatever that means- which pretty much means less weight gain and less stressy moments so it's a win-win.

10. Less hard physical exercise. Not to be confused with LESS exercise!! This one is hard for me- as I’m a go hard or go home kinda person. The good ol’ brain, apparently, cannot tell the difference between physical stress and emotional stress, and in women stress (whether it be emotional or physical) leads to an increase in aggressive oestrogen and cortisone (the stress hormone) production, leading to weight gain- since “in the old days” this response was necessary for survival. So I’m changing up my exercise routine from doing 6x hard workouts per week, into 2x hard workouts per week (like boxing or BodyPump). Every day in between I am trying to do something easy like BodyBalance, Yoga, Zumba, a small 20-30 minute HIIT Gym workout, or a 30 min run. So far, I have not put on any more weight from working out less hard, but I’m really intrigued to see how this goes.  I am trying to go to Yoga more as taking an hour to relax works wonders on balancing hormones, hence lessening weight gain. It’s no wonder you never ever see a fat yoga instructor!

11. Eating clean in general. Eating clean makes me feel so good. Even though cake tastes amazing, it makes my stomach miserable and my mental clarity is significantly worsened, so eating clean is really necessary for me to feel on peak performance!

12. Taking deep breaths, especially at work or uni. Helps reduce cortisone production. 

13. Less coffee. The last two weeks have been super hectic and I have been having one espresso a day- and my first day (today) without coffee has not been fun. Coffee is a stimulant and stimulates hormone production including cortisol, etc.

14. Sleep... I usually have a good sleeping pattern but recently I’ve been out of whack. Sleep is essential for producing hormones, which is critical for balancing hormones and ensuring that excess production of oestrogen and cortisol is prevented. Remember we are not trying to eliminate certain hormones- but balance them so that our bodies work efficiently and better. 

15. Herbs and natural remedies. I am still researching this, but I’ve heard that basil, siberian ginseng and liquorice tea are very good in helping to balance hormones, including blood sugar levels and insulin. So I will probably buy these in the next couple of days.

It is all so complex, but I’m getting used to it! 

just eat your veggies 

-K