#AGHHHHH THATS SO CUTE IT MAKES ME CRY

[narahalara]

I havent done a long ass rant that nobody reads at all so instead of studying which i should indeed be doing because I only have 2 more weeks left of school im gonna write this lOL 

ok so i deactivated my instagram and removed twitter and tinder and privated/changed the names of some of my other accounts for certain reasons. One during church service today, it really hit me how we tend to just get sucked into this world of social media and trying to please others instead of pleasing God, and honestly lately I have been feeling like a prodigal child thats run away from home and needs to come back to him. I know its a battle to not fall back to depression and anxiety, but I need to continue to push and train myself everyday to not be a victim of my own master manipulation, I cant allow the desire to hurt myself override God’s desire to be loved and know my worth. 

In addition to this i know i have been crying a lot lately in terms of school and my lack of passion lately to do anything, but ive been slowly getting myself back. Ive gotten back to continue writing my book, and ive been playing guitar and singing again. This one i havent stopped, but i did miss my lat two workout session due to depression BUT i got back on again and lowkey just wanna tell myself good job for being so consistent this whole year with getting stronger and healthier like yesss ugh i love workout out its the one place where the pain is controlle by me and i mentally and physically can challenge myself without worrying about other things in my life. And i have grown so much in terms of loving my body and treating my physical health well. 

Next, is my family. I know it hasnt been easier with my mom, but I know I love her 5%. and thats enough. thats all it takes for me not to go crazy. I know she pisses me off and annoys me to the core and hurts my sisters and me a lot, and is the master manipulator, but in her 5 % of the time where i actually feel like i have a mother, all i can do is to give unconditional love the way God does and to continue praying for her and myself to just better. i know its been a hard 20 years but i know i have to be strong and the strength from God has really been my rock

ALSO WORSHIP TODAY WAS FREAKING FIRE LIKE YES I FELT JESUS TODAY VERY IMMENSELY.

Second to lastly I have been kind of lowkey feeling like a hypocrite these past months. I feel like I lost myself a bit and now I feel tired of pretending and want to jut come back. but at the same time i do not regret the things I needed to do because it kinda felt like a mistake that needed to be made just so i know for sure its a mistake and i learn from the experience (idk if that makes any sense but himym season 1 episode 22 i think makes a good explaination for this idea of a mistake needing to be made lol also yes i finally mustered the courage to startup watching this again)

LASTLY ( i think) aghhhhh ok this one is stupid but whatever im gonna write about it because its been heavy in my heart and i need to jut spit it out to realize how utterly dumb it is ok? ok. ahfjdshfjosdf so there was this guy i met via tinder and like you know i was just there for fun cause i honestly think a healthy 83% guys on there are douches but there was this one. i didnt even like him that way. like he was cute he was handsome he was nice all that. and i just wanted to have fun with him. But i think i effed up. there was one time he wanted me to come over and i kept saying no because i was at the gym and i had a long day the following day then he admitted he was just feeling lonely and you know stupid me allowing my hormonal emotional decided to like write this long paragraph i don’t even know what i wrote cause i deleted it from my messages out of embarassment cause he never replied backto it directly, but he would stills snapchat me like normal BUT he would stop asking me for favors and like idk i began to feel sad? like WHAT. why was i feeling sad? i couldnt understand. i figured maybe cause i thought i was losing access to “favors” like superficial sadness lol like i jut wanted to get in his pants and now he didnt want me physically cause i decided to say weird things or whatever. but like why was i feeling sad> like we dont even know each other that well, we aren’t close or anything. but i guess cause hes probably the most decent person i met via tinder lol. THEN i went through an A.S. crisis for nO REASON i couldnt understand. 

Then i realized why i went through the a.s. crisis. its so stupid

I realized I started like feeling... thInGS?? IDK like AGHH idk i dont know :( i dont think i like him? like how can i like someone i dont evnek now that well? that makes no sense? 

So was like nah no this is just me wanting to get in someone pants, im just physically wanting attention~ so i went to tinder to test my theory. i was swiping dramatically on everyone LOL then these past days i just realized regardless of whatever level of attractiveness i had received offers which is what couple months ago me would ENJOY. I caught myself only looking at my phone and feeling my stupid heart beat skip diastole cause his stupid name wasnt on my phone 

YES I KNOWWW THIS IS SO STUPID WHAT NARAH . oh gosh... I think there is a part of me that confesses, ok i know i don’t like him cause again, you cannot like someone you do not even know that well. 

But the facts that I get sad when i dont see his name on my phone or my heart jump when i do ee it or i smile when i see a photo of him or i start texting him stupid lame things cause i dont know how to talk indicates i am having weird stupid stupid emotions 

like omg narah whats wrong with you. 

i also felt sad at first cause i think i felt like this was really me letting a.s. go

then i felt mad for allowing myself to start feeling this way 

like i dont get this way with other guys i would just be unserious with on tinder

with others i feel like i know what to do, its so careless unfeeling

but with this guy its like I FEEL AND I DONT LIKE IT 

so maybe im just experiencing these feelings cause ever since i sent that stupid text he stopped giving me his superficial attention or asking for stuff and i just wanted him to use me cause maybe im lonely too 

aghhh i wasnt even lonely though i was FINE. 

so yeah i officially feel embarassed so i need to let this go and i needed to write this somewhere i know nobody could find this. and also if this was ever exposed to like him for example he’d think im crazy or creepy or weird and i already feel embarassed enough for even feeling this stupid cliché way hence ill just slowly drift and he wont noticed and itll all be good LOL also like if he actually starts getting serious with someone i think i will feel sad so im dodging this bullet before this really occurs cause like its bound to happen like bruh hes so cute he can have any girl he wants ya know >SAPDOjfeofeiwfj

i dont regret anything though. i feel like again, a mistake i needed to make, just so i know. like im good im fine im honsetly ok 

but i needed to acknowledge this mid life highly mudane crisis that doesnt even compare to the real stressors of life. 

honestly i think i did what i needed to do, and now im tired, i wanna just come back home to God and not do this anymore.

cause to be honest i am happy with being alone, and yeah the truth is i am kinda romantic, even though i was going through a random phase of just wanting temporary stuff. 

i know deep down i’m one of the most committed wholesome loving who just wants genuine love not superficiality. so yeah thats old fashion yes thats foolish yes i KNOW it looks dumb. but hey who cares, this is the real me, and i should accept who i am. 

so yeah, no regrets, i think in a sense i’m glad i went through this phase cause it taught me that indeed this is not really me. but just finally coming back to who i want to be and will continue to progress to be.