#ALSO IDK IF I’M USING THE WORD GRIST RIGHT

[davidjjohnston3]

7.24.2021'Reflections of a Russian-Romantic-Orthodox-Post-Soviet Obstetrician / Aspiring Catholic-Post-Reformation-Unified-Church Pediatric Neurosurgeon (Divider of Freak-Conjoined Child-Brains) cum. Bethlehem College and Seminary M. Div. Global Studies + Savior of Worldwide North Korean Studies + Policy  + Final Flaming Sword Destroyer of Democrat Intellectual Arrogance, Child-Hate, God-Hate and Anti-Korean Racism' Flaming swords that divide people, change the world, change souls... Russia's determination to remember tragedy as well as mercy and a spirit of gentle adoption whereby they treat students and other young people much different from what I did; also Russian anti-Nazism - everlasting I imagine - in an age when respect-me-or-die attitudes, moral purity, intellectual hubris and Scientism, messianic corporatism and much else are either being accelerated or badly necromanced as everyone tries to settle every little score (an easy way to forget all the starvation, organ-harvesting, betrayal of human promise that is going on every second).  I'm only writing this because it's 7:08 in the morning and it's easier to write than not to write.  Lately I developed the habit of 'Holding the Dream' to paraphrase the title of a Nora Roberts novel about children that I tried to turn in to 'Project 521' in a gentler time.  I read a C.S. Lewis essay though I forget which one, perhaps 'Home,' about being known.  When I read this essay at night it reminds me of a more trusting whole time as does Knausgaard's 'A Time for Everything' whose title is a joke at several levels; a book I'll finish reading, if I even finish 'Autumn' which is my favorite work of his about an unborn daughter, a 'notebook-letter-bouquet' which is a genre I appreciate.For a while I felt I was close to greatness and that my mind and heart were in unison with those I most respect around this globe such as Chancellor John Piper with respect to abortion-culture - playing God - but no matter what I say this is a Maoist era in which power has to be backed by guns or other 'hard' resources.  I was also compelled or perhaps tempted to provide background for my spiritual development which in retrospect attracted 'assassins' who were only interested in cherry-picking my worst moment. I honestly came to feel that there is some 'unconditional evil, unconditional hatred' in some that makes them - no matter how nobly they speak or how hard they worked in the past - determined to destroy something at the end rather than build something or help someone or do what they said they would do.I wondered if I blasphemed someone or something so that God allowed the Prince of Darkness through these people, every professing Christians or family-members.  People are talking about spirit and intellect and insight but forget that Lucifer has all these in abundance.  I've had some delusions and kept responding to people outside of myself.  I learned a lot about people whom understanding was without purpose or profit as a) telling them to themselves, that their expectations were wrong or criminal or sadistic or nihilistic or of the party of 'the protest of ultimate futility' - the messaging whereby someone says ultimately nothing matters or you don't matter - was never going to alter their mindsb) this increased experience of human / spiritual evil didn't really constitute increase of knowledge, wisdom, understanding but only more 'CCP-esque pimp-love lie-fare gas-lighting brain-damage; brick to the head' or to put it more gently a wrong emphasis of factors which distorted mood or disposition as an orchestra with good rehearsal, preparation, and conductor could be eroded in the wrong hands over time, and people were just trying to wear me down in a 'Bleed France White' war of attrition against everything I've tried to be and do  I also realized of late the time had come to give up certain perquisites that I had had in mind to one day gain or 'help myself to.'  At the bottom of my soul I guess I always wanted to cash in; someone else on FB after the miraculous sparing of my life in 2012 started spreading around an experience that I had had with a student in 2012 which was nothing like the K-wave NC-17 version could have been the CCP deepfake character-assassination pretext for WW3 or Covid unrestricted biowarfare against white guys.  Words can't fly back in to the mouth that once let them out and at this point I have no idea what my legacy could be - or in a way hopefully no one even cares anymore although I suspect they keep some version of the story somewhere for a dinner-party IDK why I am saying this; you can reason with some people / try and teach them but if they have no compelling reason to change they might just savage youI wondered lately whether some people really believe.  They want life but their interpretation / understanding or imago of life - who knows?  'Tomorrow will be like today only more so' (Isaiah, mutatis mutandis).  They might love life or hate life but they want it and they also often don't care where it comes from, which is part of why right now the debate over social justice or the fact that so much in the United States comes from outside of the United States, or the fact that poor Millennials et al. are often still unable to get married and have children while Boomers ride emperor-on-palanquin- style on top of the Social Security system and reproach us for believing, like the title of a novel about Shanghai, 'What We Were Promised' at the breakfast-table or in (public, Democrato-Maoist-intellectual-town-bike-fruitbasket) schools about freedom, self-esteem, magic - world peace, nuclear disarmament, the 'salvation' of the natural environment, outer space, technology, non-traditional families, racial reconciliation, international adjudication of breaches of international law and esp. enforcement of human rights.  It struck me several times in recent months and years that the rulers, the sovereigns, the princes and great captains of the nations I admire such as Israel and Korea were often either a) special forces soldiers (such as Moon Jaein, Ehud Barak)b) human rights lawyers (Roh Moohyun, Moon Jaein again)c) spies (the individual who might actually have closest to total control of world-events right now; or at least the ultimate veto of everything and everyone, with variable selectivity and specificity / detail) I don't know if I was overreacting or what; I was comfortable with my 'modest income' from mental illness and felt adequately justified since I was engaged in respectable activities; I felt I hadn't really had a moment's rest in life since I was about 4, constantly shot at, judged, abused, thrown to wolves etc. and blamed for my own problems since I 'didn't "make" daddy____.'   I even believed I had a chance to re-emerge since everyone amid Covid appears to be essentially on the same side.  Before recent events I event felt an 'FDR-moment' / 'New Deal moment' was feasible under Biden though I now see clearly I believe that JRBJr. can't control his underlings, staff, et al. as FDR was able to do; and America and the world are simply too complicated.  Vladimir Putin was saying - and he doesn't always lie - basically that constitutional democracies are too weak.  Neoliberal+ shills, 'Wahh bureaucracy, Milton Friedman, grist for our mill, cliche, cliche, eat the poor, abandon the weak, post-partum-abortion, God is dead' but a lot of these people are part of a bureaucracy as well and Russia's got government bureaus, CCP does, Korea does.  Anyone who ever loved or admired Confucius or studied China knows - though many such as Ezra Vogel and Tu Weiming and some dumb-ass Australians and Indian-Singaporean pervert this knowledge for pleasure and profit - what can be achieved through sincere, spiritual, loving, reverent, educated, talented, qualified, also beauty-loving, statecraft.I guess the only question in a way is whether Microsoft themselves have nuclear weapons or Google built the guidance-systems or something and that's not an LRB title though if I had lived a purer life to this point I might be on staff there or at least they'd welcome me in the cake-shop.  Howbeit at this point my 'last wish' is kind of to die in Korea where they journalists are NOT affected or mercenary, and the rag-picking of ppl like me is not fake or ultimately egocentric / meretricious / simulacrum or sham-virtue (again I hate to talk about Nietzsche since I wanted to move on to just David Platt, Saint Augustine, John Piper, John MacArthur, global Christianity 2022).  Korea's also, I noticed, a country where the Covid body-account appears to be honest and I know for a fact, as Dr., Prof, much else Eric Feigl-Ding has been talking about on Twitter about 25 hours a day, a country in which the Democrat mentality of 'you got sick you're stupid' or the Milwaukee mentality of 'you got sick bypass watch you die joke at bar but we're still good Christians South Park Satan must be good to be evil sometimes' isn't in effect and people have resolved to do everything they can both to prevent and to mitigate as well to contain or pocket though no one wants to talk much about that.  Like I said the other day I wish I were in Korea; I also had a dream about one of those free-standing station-stops in rural Japan that reminded me of 'Cafe Lumiere' by Hou Hsiao Hsien and a conversation I had with Prof. Ban Wang fmr. Rutgers and last I checked Stanford about how Japan had built these intricate rail-systems in order to help preserve rural culture.  Another good film about rural Japan is 'Hanamizuki' although IDK if post-Covid anyone is going to want to talk again about micro-sized kindergartens, the Iraq War, fishing, the meanings of trees, following through on commitments or promises, or returning gratitude and love.  IDK whether the stuff I read over the last 5-10 years about housing-prices in places like rural Japan or, alternatively, Vladivostok are as low as I've read but if they have good internet I might go if only b/c  people there aren't interested in teaching you every lesson or extracting the max. from you then leaving you to die in the name of 'getting to know one.'  There's a short Somerset Maugham book called 'The Moon and Sixpence' though I don't admire Maugham that much and prefer his literary criticism / critical appreciations of other writers and cultures to his fiction but it feels like what some people are looking for today is more like 'huge amounts of money, charming personality, offer we can't refuse, satisfying sexual favor or we either vivisect you or pozz you up with 1st-gen anti-psychotics / kill you with ECT and still deny the exist of God, as well as demons.'My other privileged Millennial friends are all mad at me for not bearing fruit and my 'last love' said I dishonored my parents but Koreans  & maybe they don't get just how much Mark Johnston et al. are totally committed to reversing course at the most destructive possible moments and never paying what they said they'd pay; like how terrorists will sometimes detonate one bomb for the civilians and another for the first responders on the scene - though maybe I just ran out of chances.

[paraclete0407]

‘And Then They Came to an End’... ‘A Complicated Story’... My last love-story or marriage-wish-story about the LSM at Rutgers, the drapes by the study-table.  I want to go review my handwriting.

‘Send for Your Love’ - failure of teacher-training; people with ideas about education.  Kind of attitudinally inspired by Robert Olmstead.  People with ideas about what education ought to be like Dewey.  Why get others to do what you yourself could train to do if you were committed to nailing the basics?  But everyone wants to wind up someone else to become the magic Homer Simpson drip-bird pressing the button or something.  IDK why I called it ‘Send for your Love’ which sounds like prostitution via phone when it’s really about a guy who wants to train up someone younger to do the job he failed to do.  Why, also, does it give satisfaction and pleasure to do less than you can and chuckle to yourself about the career you prepared for then didn’t execute / live / enact / actualize?  I was by the Milwaukee River in the same area in 2015 listening to the ‘Madison County’ soundtrack and thinking, ‘intersubjectivity.’  I have many problems with ‘Madison County’ and its author who attacked young girls while exploiting them and advocated adultery in the name of authenticity as well as fetishizing images and frozen moments, which imply aimlessness or infinite openness and arbitrariness.  Like AW Towzer saying Keats was a mental Greek (= bad and not just ‘interesting’ / grist for mill).

All my psychotic(?) JiU fanfictions.  ‘Phenomenology 101′... I remember conversations I had with my hagwon colleagues and how we were like boats racing ahead of each other or something.  

Cutting out again... I had been intending to visit Minneapolis presently but maybe ought to go to Chicago instead.  IDK what I’m doing here or why or for whom except in the hopes of conferring / offering up some critical essential ‘packet’ of my considerations of education.  ‘Teacher Dream’ with the fiery skies and there again, why is he pushing shopping-carts and waiting to drop dead and so glad that he as once a complaisant educator or at least image or signet of a theoretical educator?  Everyone has weird ideas of themselves and they’re most proud of their worst sin.  I used to make stupid fanfictions and self-fanfictions of a menacing manchild called J Alfred Prufrock Jr who drives cars around.  Reminds of some myth of myself I imagined someone else mythologizing where I drive a car around a reservoir really fast after work.  I hate this!  Millennial self-consciousness..

‘In the past people were doing whatever they wanted but in the future everyone already knows everything.’  If I had just learned languages and kept the grammar which was once sacred rules to me instead of treading / translating myself / shuffling off in to mysterious Deleuzian territory, Tomkins ‘About Face,’ visual pedagogy, all this bizarre, bizarre stuff about power ultimately or ‘capabilities,’ I might have been a simple man with something to offer everyone and anyone.  I remember wanting to be very unassuming.  Why didn’t I just go to China?  My old fried sent me a job-opening for a school in Manhattan for Chinese kids and I had an intense ‘gravitational’ response like, ‘black hair Eternity, this is someone I might have met.’  The great weight of Being or something.  The people teaching these kids now are like, ‘Aww literature,’ IDK who’s fooling who.   

Now what, am I ABC or XYZ, do I have the right to think about schooling still (because it is schooling and playing word-games about ‘e-du-ca-re’ is pozzed)... I’m thinking about DF-26′s and SS-18′s - terrible things that have never been visited on Americans though Americans visited their earlier and far far far weaker predecessors on others - and drones, America is talking about piloted fighter-jets still which makes little sense to me unless you have a totally analog non-power-steering-system with no electronics or something.  AI is just so infinite and drones are like infinitely maneuverable, in any formation, any quantity.  This has to be the End of Time and these new jets are thrill-rides.

I remember around Groton in the past wanting to write a piano-version of the ‘Butterfly Lovers’ concerto that I could ‘audiate’ but not transcribe.  It would have been similar to Lang Lang’s style of the Paganini variations, very martellando(?).  Good training-system.

Suddenly I’m talking about all the poisonous toxic infinitely weaponizable material I’ve been storing up over the years that is just going to give people power and not bind them to anything or anyone!  I sent my brother ‘The Meaning of Marriage’ and he started premaritally cohabitating and acting really smug.  Everyone wants to do amateur lit crit of life and assessments of others with instant feedback based on their knowledge of book-review-writing; reminds of my Korean boss talking about Lacan’s Mirror and Symbolic Stages which is more poison EdPsych electrochemical weaponry.  People really thought they could get through life based on puns or sth... but I still get this awful ‘End of Evangelion’ feeling around Wisconsin lately like, ‘Well let’s wait for the monsters, SF, end of everything, “nothing personal kid.”’  But those are real kids!  Square cross, long sword-like / Crusader(?) cross, Cross of Lorraine...