#AND it's METAPHORICAL and SYMBOLIC wow youre a one trick pony

[jadedamber]

The Snow White and the Huntsman

Today was a bear, I just got home, so I'm going to try and cheer up by watching Snow White and The Huntsman and writing down my reactions. And then posting it. Disclaimer: I'm not trying to piss on any actors or actresses, nor infringe on anyone's fandom. Pls take any and all hating elsewhere. Thx. Also, I'll try not to spoil major plot points but obvy if you don't want any spoilers, probably stop reading now. Let's do this then. Princess bby, your mom is not feeling well, the last thing she needs is an unsanitary bird in her face. Whoah king bro! Dudeness. Chill with the nuptials. You literally just pulled this lady out of chains, do you really feel that this is a fair and unbiased situation for said lady? I'm so uncomfortable right now. Honestly am not blaming her for that, um, unconventional reaction. Aaaah, the queen reminds me of my current boss in the heebiest-jeebiest way! Snow White = Царевна Несмеяна apparently. That slide into the sewer is pretty badass though. Hellooo nurse, I mean horse. A random horse conveniently on the beach. Ok that was a one trick pony apparently. And now she's having a really bad trip, what even. The Queen's rant is so extra. Jesus lady, you gonna strangle herself with your weirdass headdress. The first look at our hero is, well, underwhelming. He got nothing to lose and … ooooooh what a thing to gain! Dudeness, don't fall for it! Necromancy never ends up well. Where does a simple huntsman learn to fight like that? Dude, no shit, did I not tell you not to trust the Queen? Princess bby, who taught you to bargain? You got it all backwards. If the guy's ok to do it for 30, don't offer a 100. I mean, that's basic math. It's Robin of Locksl… nevermind! False alarm. Oh, hello! Hi! ☺️ Haha! It's hilarious because she's royalty. And he does have a point. The king could not keep it in his pants, and now the whole economy is shit, the ecosystem is shit, there are ppl dead. Hello again, William. You have a hell of a way with job interviews. Ok, mr Scraggy Huntsman. That was a fucked up instruction, and the princess should really take it with a grain of salt. MACHETE!!! TROLL!!! When confronted with a terrifying hulking beast, my instinct, too, is to yell at him. Holy shit it worked!!!! 😲 I guess that's why I'm not royalty. River ninjas? "Are you bad guys?" "Us? No." "Ok then" "Why didn't you tell me you're a princess? I only bitched about your father ruining everything like half the time." Also, not to be judgy, but the river ninjas hairstyle makes no practical sense. FIRE!!!! How the fuck did they find them? Meanwhile in Queen's head… things just got darker. Damn lady. May I suggest therapy? DWARVES????? Really. Also, is it possible to get some kind of geopolitical map of the area? I'm very confused as to whose jurisdiction is where. Why are all the dwarves speaking with different accents? FAIRIES???? TURTLE!!! Argh! They are one tribe, why do they all have different accents?! No I can't let it go. Language is important to me. Really? Dancing? Hawkward. He feels lovely! Ok, now the princess has healing powers? What. CGI magpies! Argh! Creepy fairies! BUNNY! Gooooo towards the liiight! TURTLE! Oh deer. Is she… walking on water? Careful with the antlers. What. "She is life itself." Hashtag religion. Magic deer gets shot in the middle of blessing The One. We refused to ask for directions, and made the wrong turn into a Studio Ghibli movie. Hello William 😊 OMG dude!!!! How dare you bring up his wife, so uncalled for. Totally deserved the impalement. Oh, and now we get to feel sad for a bit because in this movie the good guys die too. Oh hello William! Hiii! Hello. Everyone in this movie is full of guilt over something. At least it's a theme. Themes are important. Also magpies are a theme?! For some reason? Holy shit the Queen. So extra. Where did they find the furs in the middle of wilderness? Like, has it been long enough for Eric to kill, skin, and cure some hides? Could we get a time frame on this? Oh hello two hot guys having a heartfelt conversation about the girl while watching her as she sleeps. SNOW??? Is that… is that supposed to be symbolic? "How do I inspire?" Lady, I'm also very interested in the answer to this question. WILLIAM??? The fuck is wrong with you, William! I did not see this coming. What did you do to William?!! BIRDS!!!! Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! William don't cry honey! Aw, Chris don't cry either! William pls don't kiss unconscious women. It's bad manners. BIRDS!!!! Aaaaahhhhh!!!! Omg that's so gross. The makeup/costume departments did so well. That geopolitical map would be very handy now pls. Why are we now in a castle keep? Whose castle is it? Chris, I mean Eric, where are you going with that speech. Eric honey. Heimlich! Not kissing. She's out cold. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT IS THIS SHIT. Will bb calm down. Grief has never made anyone see clearer. Princess. What are you even. We need strategy! Planning! Like maybe some… What are you saying. Ooooh another symbol "embers must turn to flame" like in the beginning of the movie when she literally did that while locked up. Eric dude why are you looking pleased as punch, they're about to go get slaughtered. I admire the actress who plays the queen. To keep a straight face throughout is quite impressive. OMG just literally realized/remembered it's Charlize Theron. Wow. Hello Chris I mean Eric. Dang that smile is devastating. Just use that as your weapon of mass seduct… I mean, you know, as a weapon. Certain demographics will be decimated. Go dwarves!!! FIREBALLS!!! Who even fights like that. Why is the castle deserted on the inside? The princess apparently had time for a sort of elaborate hair braiding but not for coming up with a plan to deal with the Queen's magic. Oh my God you guys. Holy fuck shard warriors. Queen bby, when I say you're on fire, I don't mean it metaphorically. Pls pay attention to your surroundings. KNIFE!!! What. Really. "You can't have my heart" No REALLY? We didn't get that through simply following the events that transpired. Thank you for the explanation. Happy ending! HI RIVER NINJAS! Hi dwarves! Oh hello William! Always a pleasure. GASP ERIC. You sure clean up well. Though you might've dressed up a bit for the occasion. TEXTURES!!! CREDITS!!! Those who managed to get this far, I thank you for following my journey. It's been real.