#Angie's fat fucking elf on the shelf husband

[bkdotblog]

"Trials and Tribulations," S3E14

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Finale Recap

My Title: "Everything's Coming Up [Wild] Roses"

My rating: 4 out of 5 Barbie scissor kicks

Support for Lisa Barlow: Strong

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The season finale helpfully opens with a full inventory of ongoing plot-lines. They are: Heather's Bad Mormon book and misfit choir, the @shahexposed Instagram account, Jen being insane in San Diego, Heather's Black Eye, Jen's fraud trial.

We've had a very Heather-Jen season, unfortunately for us.

In the opening, Jen's tagline has reverted from "The only thing I'm guilty of is being Shah-mazing!" to "I'm fighting for my life, not your approval," presumably after United States government quoted the former to demonstrate Jen's flippancy about her case. It appears she's finally taking things seriously, only she's a minute late and 16 million dollars short: Last week, she was Jentenced to six and a half years in prizzy.

I sincerely hope that is the last we see of her for some time. Of course, it isn't, because we still gotta watch the finale together (and then the reunion which I am excited about.) Onward!

It's not Heather's book launch party, but Heather's book cover reveal party — OK? The title of the book, Bad Mormon, will be frosted on the windows, and the Salt Lake City skyline will glitter above steam rising off the heated pool. I think the title is. great.

The other ladies and their husbands prepare for the event, which is apparently later that day.

Wait... maybe it's starting immediately? The next scene is Heather, the Bottega Cuntessa, strutting back into the space after a costume change. I was physically unable to suppress the "YAS" that escaped from my throat!

Heather is hoping for no drama. But she says if there is drama, she hopes it will occur in front of her Bad Mormon cover mockup, because she is a PR maven!

Not sure if it's 6 PM or 11 AM, but everybody is now rolling up to the function. Lisa greets Heather warmly and notes that her eye is almost completely healed. "Just like the memory of it, I hope," Heather jokes.

"The memory is never going away, Heather," Lisa not-jokes.

"I wanted it to not be an issue, and now it's the only issue," Heather straight up lies.

Enter Whitney, also wearing a skin-tight black dress. Her and Heather embrace, and all seems briefly well. We also see Bad Angie arrive. And Good Angie, whose entire personality is Greek-American, tells Whitney and Lisa that, in honor of Greek Easter, she is going to confront Jen about some off-camera comments later on.

(If Good Angie isn't lying to seem more Greek, the date must be April 24th, 2022; a week after non-Greek Easter and three months prior to Jen's guilty plea.)

Allegedly, Jen told a man (gay?) (I guess it doesn't matter) that Good Angie was the one who punched Heather. "That's ludicrous," Whitney says. Up until this moment, Jen has conducted herself with the integrity of a house of cards, and the odds are high that this was either a reckless act of comedy — similar to her hilarious bit where she pours champagne on her friends' freshly-pressed hair — or an outright lie. Still, viewers of the show are forced to consider the possibility that Good Angie did whoop Heather in the night, and the idea is shocking. But not quite so shocking as the idea of Jen telling the truth for once in her life! This particular case is not yet closed.

It gets better. Angie ups the ante by suggesting Jen punched Heather after they had sex.

Crucially, Angie does not say they had sex. She says they were doing "Barbie scissor kicks."

Actually she does then immediately say she thinks they "had a sexual relationship, romping and bumping, and giving each other a black eye because somebody wasn't very good in bed in the end, who knows."

Whitney's reactions are truly perfect.

[BK's Take: This is an official and notarized declaration of stanhood for Whitney Wild Rose. 1/12/23. For many reasons that I will have to elucidate in a future post—I simply haven't the time right now.]

Lisa makes a vaguely homophobic comment about not understanding how scissoring works. Lisa... I'm not mad, but I'm not happy!

Good Angie does a little demonstration with her hands, and it's unfortunately audible:

And then Jen walks in!

Immediately Jen and Coach Shah approach Bad Angie and her fat fucking elf on the shelf husband. Aside, Coach Shah asks for an honorable apology from the man who created the @shahexposed finsta. Angie's husband says a couple words — no more than five — before descending into a very soft sob. What an utterly bizarre reaction! Bad Angie takes the wheel.

"It wasn't personal!" Whatever. It all becomes water under the heated pool.

It's time for the choir to perform — all of the ladies participate with the notable exceptions of Whitney and Meredith, who cling to their husbands in the crowd. The song is "Amazing Grace," and it soon becomes clear that the rehearsal we saw but a few episodes ago was in fact the only rehearsal conducted. (Certainly you remember: Heather in the green vest? The Tom of Finlandesque choir director? Lisa asked Heather "Am I your friend?" and Heather said "Is that important to you?")

Clap clap clap clap. Heather takes the mic for her solo and takes her place beside the cover mockup, pre-reveal. She gives a speech about being a good friend — a ride-or-die, even. Interesting, seeing as her book isn't about friendship? Not even the choir is not about friendship, as more than half of it is comprised by musical theatre majors she imported from local universities?

Then she reveals the cover for Bad Mormon. In their confessionals, Good Angie and Lisa issue snarky remarks on the "book cover reveal party" conceit, calling it hollow, where's the actual book?, etc. They don't understand: It's all about the pre-sales, baby. (The book comes out Feb 7 — it's perfect promo!)

When the party continues, Whitney wants to speak with Jen. Not to smooth things over, exactly, but to get an explanation for her recent behavior. This is a popular social miscalculation: The idea that "talking things out" equals communicating effectively, or usually results in some form of understanding. Whitney wants a coherent, nuanced admission of wrongdoing from Jen, something Jen has shown both on-camera and in a court of law that she is unable to produce.

Bad weather. Heather is off-camera somewhere else, but the rest of the housewives seem to gather around Whitney and Jen like a storm. The conflict begins to escalate as Angie begins to thunder with her own anti-Jen talking points, overtaking Whitney completely.

Angie accuses her of spreading the "Angie-punched-Heather" rumor, which Jen categorically denies.

She desperately calls out for her husband to come to her side. Good Angie goes in a very bad direction and begins questioning whether or not Jen survived a suicide attempt. Jen goes ballistic and walks off. Coach Shah assures Angie it was very real.

Jen is all "get the cameras out of my face!" and needs to cool down. Heather takes Greek Angie aside and asks her what her aim is with Jen, which Angie cannot communicate; it seems like she just wanted to lash out at her?

Jen decides to leave. Good idea! Meredith guides her out with the trademark sisterly warmth that has become her custom:

It's clean-up time; we see empty champagne glasses and Heather bidding farewell to guests. And then... what's this?... the episode seems to end, with each housewife getting their little postscript placard. (None of them are good but I'm obsessed with the first half of Meredith's.)

Of course, one housewife is missing from this montage. The screen goes black, and three words sear into view.

THREE MONTHS LATER.

It's a clear, July day in Salt Lake City. Jen and her mother are enjoying the weather on Jen's front porch. Soon she'll go to New York for her trial, which is in a few days. "When I come back, I'll be guilty or innocent," she says wistfully. Her mom says, "You'll be innocent. Right?"

Both start to cry.

A spooky montage plays. We see that day at Beauty Lab and Laser, in the hours before Jen's arrest; we see her asserting her innocence at a restaurant; we see Andy Cohen at the reunion mentioning the New York District Attorney's 95% conviction rate, and Jen's response, "Because people take plea deals,"; we see her "I'M INNOCENT!!!!!!!!!!!" outside the choir auditions.

For those who are wondering how the cinematographers at Bravo decided to frame the final shots of this sequence, when Jen arrives in New York to enter a guilty plea, wonder no more:

"Facing her future." !!

After a commercial break, we're back. My heart is racing. There are 20 minutes left in the episode, and all of them appear to be devoted to the events immediately pre- and post-guilty plea.

Heather and Meredith are revealed to be with Jen for her trial. After privately expressing their worry, they go to Jen's suite, which is the size of Versailles. All of the women are wearing Brooks Marks tracksuits.

In the blonde living room, the Shahs and friends have a solemn but supportive conversation.

The next day (?) Meredith and her husband dine with Heather. (The camera works very hard to make it seem as though they are at a chic riverside bistro, but they are eating at the Brookfield Place mall downtown, by the marina, in case you care.)

They discuss the gravity of the case, before discussing the case itself. Meredith was a lawyer, remember? (I don't know what her husband does but I think it's commerce related??) She points out the case isn't about the scheme itself, which we know happened, but about Jen's knowledge and involvement in it.

Meredith's husband asks: What if guilty?

Meredith says it would be a "huge problem" if she was proclaiming her innocence but turned out to be guilty.

Heather doesn't really answer. She makes a comment about how nice the weather is, and contrasts it with the grave circumstances of their being there to enjoy it. More like Bad Metaphor... am I right, ladies?

Pajama party in Jen's room! Heather brought Sour Patch Kids. Jen continues to maintain her innocence. Talk about ride or die! She brings up her former assistant Stuart, who was also implicated in the scheme but plead guilty early on. Jen seems to suggest that he played her, the unwitting boss. In her confessional, Heather seems to suggest that this was a bridge too far. Blaming Stuart? Something's not right...

Very intuitive, Heather.

The two people I want to discuss this matter most meet to discuss this matter.

Heather has returned from New York mere seconds ago. She is reeling. So is Lisa. Both are horrified, astonished, grieving, angry, heartbroken. The most galling thing, according to Heather? She claimed innocence because she thought she could get away with it.

She goes a few steps further by invoking Coach Shah. "If my husband knew about it and was involved..." she says. "'I'll take care of the boys, see you in 15 years,'? That to me is a whole other tragedy."

That's all, folks. I'm looking forward to the upcoming reunion episodes, and am trying to think of different formats for covering them in a way that'll be fresh and funny. As always, if you made it this far, thank you for reading. –BK

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Discussion question: When Whitney said that "they say every woman is three shots away from being a lesbian," did you think it was a little homophobic? The more I think about it, the more I don't think so — more of a comment on how inebriation can often lead to sexual experimentation. Then again, maybe it was homophobic of me to assume that Jen was speaking to a gay man earlier, even though I know in my heart she probably was. Also, who is the most homophobic SLC housewife? I believe I know the answer but I fear to utter it aloud.

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Gay Imagery

(Why did Angie look at Jen on the word wretch [sobbing emoji!!!!] She turned to her ON THE WORD. Was anybody else unsettled?)

[bkdotblog]

"Choir of Chaos," S3 E7

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 3 Episode 7 Recap

My Title:  “Gay Wrongs"

My rating: 3 out of 5 dingers

Support for Lisa Barlow: Very strong

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Dear God,

There is nothing I love more on Your green Earth than when a RHOSLC episode opens with a conflict in media res!

In the very first frames of episode seven, as soon as Jen notices Angie Harrington twirling her little spaghetti legs in the parking lot of the choir auditions, she is approaching her with the velocity of a heat-seeking missile.

Angie Harrington is of course the wife of a "grown ass man" who created the fake Instagram account @shahexposed that — CRUCIALLY! — referenced Jen in name but slandered Lisa Barlow in its content.

Also, please don't freak out, but we have another Angie in our midst, who has just now decided to confront Angie H. on behalf of Lisa Barlow. She is wearing angular sunglasses and hot pink. In a fabulous coincidence, Jen is wearing the same thing, which lends the whole conversation a fun and legible visual language.

Two delegations from different alien races meeting for the first time:

The Pink team (Jen Shah, Good Angie) is arguing against rumormongering and Finsta-making, but it should be noted that Jen is only arguing on behalf of her family's name. Nothing about @shahexposed actually exposed any Shahs — that duty having already been performed by the department of Homeland Security — but anything that could even be tangentially misconstrued as an attack on one's family unit is the absolute best thing to say to a housewife if you want them to go ballistic as fast as possible.

The Gold team, which is mostly Bad Angie, is feebly attempting to counter that her husband's actions and intents do not reflect hers, but the Pink team is overwhelming in both feeling and volume. It's at this moment that Whitney Rose finds out that Bad Angie's husband was behind @shahexposed. Then something truly jaw-dropping happens: For the first time in human herstory, Whitney feels embarrassed.

A staff member alerts Heather Gay, who has been presiding over the choral auditions like a divine monarch, to the fracas. She comes outside, bafflingly sides with Bad Angie, and then returns inside. Jen follows her in an absolute rage. I get scared when mid-meltdown housewives move from one location to another because it feels like slowly watching a fire engulf a house. But I also feel a perverse, forbidden pleasure blooming somewhere deep within me... kind of like the one I feel when I watch a fire engulf a house.

With the perfect timing that has become her signature, Lisa Barlow arrives. (Actually, a staff member "reveals" her behind a curtain! I gasped) Heather regards her stoically. They still have beef!!

She sings "Away in a Manger." I think her voice is pretty good, and with a little training it could be pretty great! Of course I want to burst into applause when she finishes the verse and says, "Is that it?" Luckily a gay coded man is the first to start clapping. "Lisa Barlow, that was beautiful!" He and I say at the same time.

Lisa joins the other ladies. She and Good Angie embrace. Bad Angie looks uncomfortable. Then they include this confessional clip where the producer asked Bad Angie if she had happy memories from her friendship with Lisa (which apparently spanned decades!)* and she says this:

Sorry, but... bitch!!!

There is a brief and very cinematic moment where Bad Angie tries to flee the scene — "Whit? Whit? Can you go over the routine real quick?" — only to turn the corner to find Jen Shah.

Lisa Barlow, a literal oracle: "Everything just feels, like, weird all of a sudden."

She's right. Whitney and Bad Angie go do their little song and dance (32 counts of "When the Saints Go Marching In") and the judges are a little too impressed. Lisa goes to Jen Shah who is still fuming about the encounter and insisting everybody sit down and talk about it together. She lambasts Bad Angie and her "fat fucking Elf on the Shelf husband." What an absolutely gorgeous read. You can scroll up on this post if you want to see a photo of Angie's fat fucking Elf on the Shelf husband.

All of the ladies reconvene, but there aren't enough seats, so Bad Angie and Heather share one. Bad Angie apologizes to Jen, which makes Lisa go crazy, because nobody is apologizing to Lisa! She tries to remedy things with Heather but Heather could not be more dismissive. She basically says, Everything you're saying is right, but I don't like you and I don't want to talk to you ever again.

(It's time for a brief interlude called BK's Take, which you are free to skip. BK's Take is: I find Heather very funny, and she is clearly the Salt Lake housewife most closely aligned with the gay male agenda. In this instance, Heather exaggerated an anecdote to make Lisa seem aloof and tasteless, and Lisa defended herself appropriately. I think it's fine to privately dislike somebody on the basis of vibes, but Heather really needs to think about who she calls "fake" from here on out. It's not a good look... I'm afraid!)

Next we have Meredith and Seth together in the bath. OK!

Suddenly bottle of Dr. Teals Lavender Bath Soak appears.

All in all, a very tame display of marital affection for reality television.

Heather is touring a new space for her esthetics clinic, Beauty Lab and Laser, and it's pretty boring. In a confessional, she explains that she doesn't know why conflicts keep brewing between her and the other women. "I'm not trying to have an active conflict with any of these women," she straight up lies, "yet every time I try to do something positive or get us together, they lead with how I've done them wrong."

Oh my god, how sweet: Lisa and her husband go out to dinner, presumably with a full camera crew in tow, and when Lisa orders a Vida cocktail she wonders if the waiter knows she is Mrs. Vida. My guess is: Yep! She orders a lavender Vida cocktail with a surf and turf and jingles her new $6,900 bracelet. "I love when it's just us," she says to her husband. He says, "I know, it's strange," very soberly.

They go on to perform one of my least favorite Housewives theatrical tropes. A housewife will be sitting with her husband at an oyster bar or in the bath while recounting some personal tragedy or recent social encounter, and the husband will say things like, "How did that affect you?" "I didn't know you were so [hurt/strong/encumbered by your ancestral past]" Sorry but I'm BORED! I'd rather watch Heather walk around an empty room.

Now Jen and Coach Shah are going to talk on the couch, and instead of watching, I am going to pound my forehead into drywall! Quick BK's Take: There have been THREE husband-wife session scenes in this episode and I am OUT. This is not the Real Marriages of Salt Lake City! There is only occasion where the Real husbands' social dynamics becoming interesting to me, and its reliant on two simultaneous circumstances: 1) Their wife is embroiled in conflict and 2) All relevant parties are together at a social gathering. Everything else I do not give a fuck about. OK, that's all. Let's keep going!

Throughout the episode, I have been stunned by the acuity of Whitney Rose's observations. She and her young (step?)son meet Lisa and her young son at a park for a playdate. In a voiceover, Whitney lichrelly can't bleve she and Lisa are becoming frens. "Lisa definitely has a big sister energy, and that used to trigger me like she was looking down on me," Whitney says. I think this is a very rational characterization of their relationship. Also remember when Lisa said that she and Meredith should style Whitney and Whitney was like, "What's wrong with my style?" And Lisa said, "it's a little Utah," and Whitney made this face?

Whitney does.

Also her (step?)son is named Brooks.

Whitney and Lisa tell their sons to go play! and they scooter off in opposite directions. Whitney reveals that she is the sole provider for her family. Lisa is worried about her sister. Lisa reveals to Whitney that she wants a closer relationship with God, and Whitney cracks a little bit. Remember when she renounced God in ep 1?

Lisa also complains about Heather to Whitney. If you told me a season ago that—blah blah blah whatever. Alliances change! And they tend to form against you when you act in unkind! The moral of this tale is that seeds planted in malice will always bear sour fruit. And Miss Gay? Does not like the taste!

Later that evening (or later that week? Who knows -- it was at night) Whitney goes to visit Heather at her private residence. There is another great moment of accidental styling that occurs here:

(I don't understand the Bad Weather nickname. I know it's what Heather calls her friendship with Whitney and she probably explained it in a past ep but it went over my head. I would love if somebody could explain it to me. Please get in touch!)

Whitney's episode-long streak of coherent behavior ends almost immediately. It's unclear what her goal is with this encounter, but she starts by enumerating the ways in which she feels Heather hasn't been a friend to her. "I'm just here to be rill." For example: "When Justin was fired," Whitney says, looking away meekly, "like... you didn't call me."

Heather is visibly shocked. "I had no idea."

(BK's Take: I believe her!)

So then Whitney course-corrects and starts speaking of feeling a "disconnect" since their Arizona trip. Heather is like, duh, remember when I threw you across the room? I'm sorry but let's move on. And Whitney is like, well, I'm addressing things now. And I was so supportive of you at your choir auditions!

This sets Heather off. "I'm glad I had an event you could show up for and, like, be a hero, and I'm the asshole that has ignored you for two weeks,"

Whitney throws her head back in exasperation. Heather brings Lisa's name up. Soon the cross-talk becomes incomprehensible. As always, Whitney is attempting to play offense and defense at the same time, and is doing a clumsy job at both. She probes for Heather to acknowledge her lie about Lisa while also claiming that Heather has been intentionally distant. "The fact that you didn't know about Justin," she says, "that right there is the dinger."

That right there is the dinger.

Heather grows tired of this, and does what we all want to do: Leaves the situation. But not before throwing her mic off dramatically! Whitney sulks toward the front door, having accidentally allied herself with sworn enemy Lisa Barlow against good time girl Heather Gay. And that right there is the dinger. Thanks for reading! -BK

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Gay Imagery

Every week I like to post a screenshot or two of Heather Gay doing something funny. This week, she did nothing funny. I would instead encourage fans and Heather herself to take a good long look at this picture. Notice anything?

*This might not be true. I remember Lisa and Bad Angie having been friends for a long time, at least many years, when she was introduced in season 1 or whatever, but I am not interested in fact checking this information. Please feel free to let me know if I am wrong, even though I think I am right spiritually. I love you!