#BPD ​Jesus Christ Text post

[childhell]

If I get diagnosed with BPD , then Jataro and Shrignold will magically have it too . COPIUM ! ⛪️

[gleppy]

jesus christ i am so sorry about that weirdo? coming for you when they were the one who cut you off like wtf kind of crazy shit is that?

right..? like, i wouldn't have hardblocked them or even cared if they just softblocked me once. but they literally. kept. fucking. doing it. the first time they softblocked me i was confused as to why they would follow a second time, but figured maybe the first time they sb'ed was an accident that they didn't realize, and left it at that. but when it kept happening MULTIPLE times on MULTIPLE blogs and platforms (they unfriended me on discord as well) i was like, this shit is clearly on purpose and i'm not gonna put up with it? make up your mind, do you wanna be my mutual or not? i'll be cool with whatever you decide but i do not have the patience or mental energy to keep breaking and reestablishing contact with the same person over and over????

something that was really weird to me was that when they softblocked me, they also would keep dm'ing me before even refollowing me? so straight-up, they would just... decide that they didn't want to be mutuals anymore, but continue acting like we were. like fuck off, you don't get to enjoy my presence while simultaneously acting like you want nothing to do with me. i CANNOT deal with all the mixed fucking signals bro

the unprompted venting was definitely uncomfortable, but not unforgivable. i feel like maybe part of the reason they got jaded with me and softblocked me was that they felt like i didn't do enough to help when they were unloading their baggage onto me without asking if it was okay first fdgfdgjfdhgs... look man i don't know what people expect from me but i have low empathy in general and that's extra true if you're not close to me. if someone who has only ever addressed me by my url and never my actual name starts suddenly whining to me about their mommy issues, i am Going to be weirded out and not know how to respond. but yeah, it was weird and awkward, but whatever, some people are just bad at reading the room and understanding that certain things aren't exactly appropriate to discuss with people you don't know that well. but i mentioned to them that i have a specific phobia (which i will not name), and their response was verbatim, "you're scared of *** *****? lame," and to then send me a photo of that thing, with the text "********** jumpscare." like... what the actual fuck. i wouldn't tolerate that shit from my wife or any of my closest friends, let alone a perfect stranger. i think this person mentioned somewhere that they're autistic, and i'm not so i'm not even gonna pretend i understand what that's like, but i feel like that's not even just missing social cues at that point, that's quite literally just being actively fucking malicious and sadistic

and i'm sorry but telling someone with bpd and c-ptsd that they have "terminal burns bridges disorder" is just... such a depraved thing to say. it's an awful thing to say to anyone, of course, but ESPECIALLY someone who has a personality disorder and trauma stemming from repeated abandonment by loved ones. i never spoke to this person about my struggles with mental health (because unlike them i have the tact to not fucking traumadump to randos) but i do make vent posts about it fairly regularly (some of which they liked/responded to). so clearly they saw that i was struggling to reconcile my extensive trauma based around people exiting my life, and that i had a lot of insecurities and self-loathing surrounding that aspect of my past, and took it upon themself to just... tap that nerve. this person really just gets a kick out of exploiting people's triggers, i guess. is this some kind of weird need for power and control over others? no clue. but like... for ONCE in my life, i finally had the guts and the self-respect to take it upon myself to sever ties with someone who was hurting me, instead of putting myself in a position where they could continue to hurt me only to ultimately end up leaving me and thus make me believe i must have done something to deserve that. but then they come back and try to get into my head and convince me it was all my doing anyways. no, it couldn't be the case that i blocked you because you acted in ways around me that made me feel frustrated and anxious. i blocked you because that's how all my relationships are destined to end. with one person blocking the other. i am wholly incapable of maintaining close interpersonal relationships, and that is why we are no longer speaking. your own actions had nothing to do with it. the only reason is that i just suck at keeping people in my life. that's all.

the specific choice of wording stings so fucking badly, too. an illness being terminal means it is incurable. an illness being terminal means it will result in death. i know i said earlier in this post that i have low empathy, but even i truly cannot fathom the lack of compassion one would have to have in their heart to type that out and not pause for a moment and think to themself, "wow, this is actually a really fucked up thing to say to someone. i don't think i should send this after all." i feel like i'm not even allowed to vent in my own space anymore. even on my own personal blog, i apparently do not have the right to lament the ways my mental illnesses and trauma affect my functioning on a day to day basis, because someone will take the thoughts and feelings i finally feel un-self conscious enough to so painstakingly share, and weaponize them against me. i am being punished for expressing my own emotions in a space that i created for myself. let me reiterate that i am not on social media at all. i deleted all my accounts years ago because i kept getting into situations like this and realized that the only way to guarantee my own healing was to just completely withdraw from all of it. i came back to tumblr because this was the only site i still felt safe on, and now i don't even feel safe here anymore, either.

edit to add: i just wanted to point out, clearly in order to have discovered that they had been hardblocked, this person would have to have visited my blog, which meant they were either A) planning to kickstart yet another cycle of our on-again off-again acquaintanceship or B) hatereading my blog. so. if that doesn't cement that i am DEFINITELY not the fucked up one here, idk what will

[weabooweedwitch]

I'm sorry I was gonna try and stop bitching about my mom but I was just talking to my big sister and Jesus fucking Christ I cannot believe this (mentions of rape/domestic violence tw below the cut)

Im. Im fucking shocked absolutely fucking shocked, I messaged my sister for some support because she knows what dealing with mom is like and I also had a scary and creepy experience with a complete stranger yesterday (I did not post about it on this blog but my sideblog because the man harassing me was messing with me over here) and mom wasn't supportive of me, and do you know what my sister told me?

You know how my sister wasn't really replying to anything or telling us about herself to the point we made that emergency visit to check on her? And a huge reason she wasn't talking to us was because my mom will spam many questions and messages at her in a single sitting and overwhelm her and make her feel judged?

My mom. That fucking. FREAK that fucking INHUMAN FREAK told her traumatized dangerously depressed anxious bipolar bpd ptsd rape survivor domestic violence survivor daughter that if she doesn't start replying to her that she's going to NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN SHE LITERALLY THREATENED TO ABANDON HER

AND MY SISTER DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHY BECAUSE MY MOM SPAMS HER WITH MESSAGES SO MUCH SHE CAN BARELY CATCH UP WITH THEM ANYMORE

screaming and crying like literally outside screaming sobbing in my garage at 3am because the entire reason my sister moved out was because of my mom and she's basically a stranger to me now because we've spent so much time apart and now what if my mom makes her kill herself. Within the last few years alone my sister has been raped TWICE and hurt and abused by her 8 year boyfriend, why would my mom fucking do this why why why why WHY?!?!?!

I just feel physically fucking ill. I feel fucking sick. Fucking sobbing and texting my sister begging for her forgiveness thst I haven't been there to support her all these years just AAAAAAAAAAAA IM GONNA FUCKING LOSE IT

[kidmetsu-no-yaiba]

What They Do When You’re Having A ‘Split’ And Become Angry  

This includes: Tsukishima, Kuroo, Bokuto, Kita, Suga, Ennoshita, Ushijima

This is just how I perceive them as what they would do for a best friend/romantic partner that experiences BPD anger in a similar way as I do. Also I'm off my stabilizers haha..ha.

Also none of these are meant to be mean about the characters I literally chose my faves for this.

Uh TW for bpd I guess?

Gender Neutral reader bay bee

Tsukishima (Not the trigger):

Doesn’t even recognize it at first, thinks its just a normal bad day from work

After, like, 30 minutes of you just sitting there and glaring at your phone without talking or even changing your expression he starts to get a clue.

Goes about his normal chores that upset you, but he plays your “Calming” playlist out loud on his phone just loud enough for you to hear

If he’s exhausted every chore and you still haven’t talked, he purposefully looks for funny or interesting news articles about stuff you like and reads the headlines out to you to get you to look at him or talk

Once you start at least looking at him, hopefully talking too, begins trying to coax out what triggered you

Ignores if you make any outright mean or just passive aggressive comments towards him instead of answering but will get aggressive in return

If he manages to get What Happened out of you he immediately calls you an idiot. Regardless of what it is. Is a mean comforter.

“Getting mad over your best friend talking on the phone too long while you’re hanging out isn’t an excuse to be mean”

“You’re stupid if you think it’s your fault that your friends aren’t paying attention to you, not everything is about you.”

It hurts but, it works even if sometimes it feels like he’s going a Bit Too Far

Will watch comforting videos or shows with you if it calms you down but that's about it. Very big on “You’re an adult and I’m not your psychiatrist, figure it out yourself.”

Kuroo (Is the trigger):

Instantly recognizes the Shut Down while teasing you, when you stop responding, your face is blank except for your down turned eyes.

‘Oh I’ve Fucked Up™’ is his immediate thought

“Y/N you know I didn’t mean that right? We were just playing, I’m sorry!” “Don’t you have a proposal to finish.”

Immediate shoulder drop. Is also upset now but decides to wait a little bit before trying to calm you.

After 30min or so of you hiding under your blanket he decides it’s time to try and pull you out of your head.

Cooks your most aromatic favorite food so the smell wafts into your room

Blasts your comfort playlist on a speaker and loudly sings along to it

When you still don’t come out when the food is done, sits outside the door saying “oh FUCK this shit is BUSSIN’” comically loud, overexaggerates your favorite things about it outloud.

When you eventually give in, just to get some food, he corners you with his body

“What about what I said upset you?” As a genuine question, not a mean one

After you explain, he lets you eat and offers a sincere apology when you finish

Offers to draw a bath with your favorite scent if it’ll help you. It does.

Bokuto (Is the trigger):

You came home and Bokuto had the tv up high while watching tiktoks and listening to music. After a moment the tea kettle went off. Before turning it off he realized you had walked in and bounded over to you. There were Too Many Noises.

He tried to talk over the noise but realized your eyes were boring into his and you had The Look

Also a ‘Oh I’ve Fucked Up™’

Rushes to take the kettle off the heat and turn off his phone before checking on you only to see you’ve already gone in and shut the bedroom door. You didn’t even take your shoes off..

Big pouty, sulky fool. Mopes around for a bit after turning off all the noise in the house.

Eventually looks for other things that upset you and finds that the house is, kind of a mess actually. Decides to clean as quietly as possible.

Does all of your least favorite chores first incase you re-emerge from the bedroom too soon

When everything seems to be done he opens your door and finds you tucked into bed and scrolling on your phone, very quiet music playing from it.

It was only 5pm but he took off his street clothes and climbed into bed as well. 

Absolutely gets up behind you and grabs you around your waist and snuggles in without saying anything even though he wants to

When you finally feel comfortable you look over your shoulder to see Bokutos already fallen asleep. Idiot. 

You order takeout for when he wakes up because, even though he tried his hardest to be quiet, you could hear him washing the dishes and didn’t want to ruin the work he did for you

Kita (Not the trigger):

Very straightforward the second he realizes you are Not Good

"Y/N if you tell me what's wrong it'll end quicker" 

When you don't even look at him he still continues talking "We both know you hate when you're like this. It'll make you feel better if you just talk to me even if you don't want to."

Is fairly stern when talking to you at the beginning. Not mean but just very much like 'this is going to get done whether or not you cooperate.'

If you don't cooperate then he begins to ignore you until you snap and eventually scream and air out everything that's wrong and what triggered you. 

Goes through everything you said with you and gives you an objective perspective although it basically boils down to "I know you can't help it but your ego is hurting you. Not Everything Is About You."

Once your conversation on that is over he asks if you want him to watch tiktok or listen to music or something with you

 Suga (Is the trigger):

He hadn’t meant to ignore you all day. He’d woken up before you and been so busy at work all day he didn’t get a chance to text. It was the club he advised’s meeting day and it was dragging on longer than usual, he hadn’t texted anyone all day to be fair

When he finally comes home he’s confused as to why you’re tucked in on the couch

“Hey Y/N you tired? Sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk today there was a lot of bureaucratic shit going on and then the club president decided we were all going to stay until the end of the activity. Kids am I right?” He laughs and smiles towards you but you continue to ignore him

After some physical encouragement, poking and whatnot, it dawned on him that you are Probably Going Through It

Jesus Christ

Immediately decides he is not having it and moves your legs off the couch so he can sit next you

“Y/N I looovvveeee youuuuu~~~” He says as he pulls you to him by the shoulders “I love you I love you I love youuu” 

Just babbles honestly, goes on and on about how he didn’t mean to ignore you and how he was honestly busy but he’s here now

And like yeah, he is here now so eventually you level out and let yourself be coddled for a bit longer

Makes pinky promises that he promises to text you when he’s busy or going to be running late

Also runs you a nice bath just in case

Ennoshita (Not the trigger):

Knows what's going on because he’s been watching you stare at the tv for about 20 minutes but, the tv is off. 

Is objective with his words like Kita but with more emotional appeal

“Y/N I know you’re in the middle of something but when you’re ready, I’ll be ready to listen to you,”

If, after a while, you don’t make any effort to talk to him he tries to point you in a better direction than staring at walls and moping around

“You don’t have to talk to me but I found a tiktok I think you’d enjoy” or “You know you haven’t tried that new nail polish you bought a bit ago” 

Is okay with just letting you figure it out on your own so you can apply the stuff you’ve worked on with your psychiatrist but will feel a little guilty if he doesn’t say anything at all

Will do anything that you need to get done but aren’t because of your episode like dishes or tidying your room

Ushijima (Not the trigger):

First of all, calls your episodes “tantrums”

Literally has no clue when you’re in an episode unless you tell him, he is not very bright

If you do tell him that you’re having issues he defaults to trying to use physical affection against whatever it is that you’re feeling

May or may not make you angrier by doing that

Although he wasn’t the original trigger, him being so dense might override it tbh

Like you love him but oh my god oh my god oh my god how have you survived this long 

Eventually decides “I do not know how to deal with this” and just leaves. He goes to the store and gets the shopping done for the next 2 weeks and gets some cool looking snacks. 

Thinks ‘well I’m already out, I might as well get the car washed’ after, turns into ‘Oh Y/N needed to get their new prescription too..’ ‘I think I remember a discussion about their package getting stuck at the post office..’

Literally accidentally does every single errand that needed to be done for the next month because he didn’t want to go home and upset you more

When he finally comes back home with 50lbs worth of shit from errands you’re like ????? because how did he know that you were stressed about all the house stuff that needed to be done????? 

It’s not an instant mood changer but you definitely go from seemingly uncontrollable rage to ‘Okay I was being a bit much’ but as you watch him prep veggies before storing them away the way you usually do it, you level out

He is unaware you’ve levelled out so he tries to remember the coping skills you said you talked about with your psychiatrist and you are deeply confused when he asks you to open your palm and places an ice cube in it

When you realize what’s going on you laugh and tell him you’re okay and apologize for how you were being earlier and explain what triggered you

He gives you the cool looking snacks

[selchwife]

compulsively looks at things that make me mad and then is shocked when i am mad

anyway. this guy on a certain subreddit i torture myself with was like “i had to XD” and posted a screenshot of himself...asking if anybody had seen fight club on r/DID. i’m actually completely livid over this. like, that’s an actual support group! with stringent rules! where people with a very real issue go for help!!!

like i just. Jesus CHRIST. not that it’s ever been good or justifiable what these people do in going after folks enmeshed in the whole misinformed DID subculture on tiktok, because i’m sure plenty of those people do really have it too, and it’s not anyone’s place to confront a “faker” based on social media posts. but it really infuriates me in a special way that this fucking idiot decided to harass people in an actual online DID support group - and a pretty dry one at that - to Own The Fakers or whatever.

like at this point i’m convinced these people don’t think anyone actually has DID, and they don’t care about the “real sufferers” they’re always bitching about “fakers” hurting so much. the truth is they’re uneducated, they don’t fucking know how it works, and they think making fun of DID is funny, whether it’s the sensationalized social media depiction or whether it’s real. because nobody except the poor unfortunate fuckers with DID gives a shit about people with DID.

i just hate it so much. i don’t like the misinformation and glamorization that happens on social media either!! i read clinical texts so i can feel in control of what happens to me and it worries me to see people who have DID being uninformed or misinformed because that’s not fucking helpful or conducive to their recovery. bad information and real information conveyed badly is a really serious problem with DID, one with a lot of clear and present risks to people who have it. bullying teenagers for “faking” doesn’t solve any of that, even if they are maliciously imitating DID for online clout (which i think is vanishingly rare compared to kids who have a similar/highly comorbid issue like BPD and get confused, or kids who DO have DID but don’t understand it very well).

but like, whatever, dude! you Saved The Day by making an annoyance of yourself in a support group for people with DID!