#Bianca and Bernard are my current hyperfixation can you tell

[onesaltysir]

I need to settle this with myself, I can't decide if it's a good movie or not. Debate material under cut.

Eva Gabor slays as Miss Bianca (my queen) both times so that's an automatic yes from me. The story itself was also not bad.

On the other hand the animation threw me off because I've always been so loyal to the original 1977 The Rescuers. Milt Kahl's animation is such a big deal to me, that was the best era of Disney and I will not be hearing other opinions because they are wrong.

The egg scene with Johanna and Mcleach in the kitchen? Made me smile during my surgery recovery. Animated movies rarely make me smile. That scene was peak cinematic gold.

The absolute deciding factor is if Jake is sexy or not. Now for the record I am 100% team Bernard. Thicc mouse man with a dumpy and a big heart? Yes maam. (He also has a slight stutter. As a stutterer myself, child me instantly fell in love when my father had me watch the original for the first time.) But there's just something about Jake's charm. That Indiana Jones ass kangaroo rat could punt me into the sun and I can’t tell if I would thank him or dropkick that Crocodile Dundee motherfucker.

Miss Bianca, however, has been and always will be my favourite. Everyone has a crush on her everywhere she goes and she looks so put together but I promise you she is so fucking autistic and probably does Jello shots with whoever wishes to humour her. Just watch the original, and then this is emphasized in Down Under. Fucking icon. God is a white mouse from Hungary with a purple hat.

That being said, let's turn back to the animation. What are these CGI scenes doing in here? Now mind you, overall I *am* impressed with the CGI. This movie came out in 1990 and they combined 2D animation with so many near flawless CGI shots. But why though? The combination was awesome, it slayed, it served. But there was just something about it that seemed so corny to me and I can’t place my finger on it.

And what are these size proportions? Cody is six years old acording to the Disney Wiki. If you are familiar with six year olds, then you know those things aren't exactly tiny. Why is he able to ride on that eagle? Golden eagles are real birds however they are smaller than bald eagles. Bald eagles are large birds but they are not that large. In fact the largest eagle as of right now is the giant Philippine eagle, which is only a meter tall. A six year old can’t ride that. Not only did Marahute fly hundreds of metres in the air supporting an entire six year old and then some, but she was also large enough for this kid to pitch a medium sized tent on. What the hell. Fake ass bird.

Another problem I have is that it takes place in Australia. So why in the absolute FUCK does Cody sound like he's from Nebraska USA? Riddle me fucking that. Mcleach is understandable because he's a poacher, probably dropped in from the US. In fact he sounds like he's from Tennessee so you know his ass did. But come on. Cody? He's a six year old born and raised in Australia. The only characters with Australian accents were two kangaroos, a koala, and Cody's mother. His mother is a stretch though, Edinburgh sounding ass bitch.

Also what six year old owns a large pocket knife? Cody if you don't put that shit down and go work on your colouring book. I swear to god.

What redeems it for me is Bianca and Bernard. Jake really thought he could pull Bianca from the perfect man. Bernard respects Bianca with everything he has, he continually gave her everything he could. Bernard loved her, and Bianca loved him back. Jake tried to shit on her man and Bianca said 'I think the fuck not.'

And yes. I know Bernard is some Hobbit ass motherfucker. He didn’t wanna go on the trip to save Penny in the original, he hates flying, he hates adventure, but Bianca taught him to love that and it was beautiful. He tried it for her and found out that he did love it after all. Bianca brought out his courage, and Bernard brought out her heart. They're the best Disney duo. Fuck you.

I got distracted. The question I want to answer is, is The Rescuers Down Under a great movie or is it a horrible movie? It's not just good or bad. You either love it or you hate it, and I can't decide.

Miss Bianca supremacy for life.