#Cloud this is the most beautiful thing I've ever read oh my god i shit you not im in literal tears

[teenageeggsoafplaid]

All righty before I begin I just want to say this is my first smut fanfic and I'm really shy about things like this but I shall try my best! Also I'm not the best at grammar so please don't kill me. Oh this is hazbin hotel lucifer and it's based off another person's fanfic idea that I really liked.

"PREIST" LUCIFER X READER: REPENT FOR YOUR SINS

You had made up your mind, you were going to do it. In just a few seconds you'd walk up those steps, into the church and straight into a conffesional, where'd you'd confess your sin, were you'd confess to the fact that....that you had murdered someone...and got away with it. You shudderd, the memory chilling you to the bone more than the snow that was falling from the starless night, more than the howling wind that numb your cheeks and pierced through you like a knife. A knife, you remembered, that's what took your friends life that night. Sometimes you could still feel the warmth of the blood that stained your hands and coated your clothes, how the suffocating matalic scent engulfed the whole room, burning your nose. Your eyes blurry and sore, whether it be from tears or the alcohol and anxiety that plagued your mind and body , you could not decipher. But it didn't matter anymore because tonight you were going to confess to your crimes. So that atleast Alex could rest in peace, so that just maybe you could find peace. You took a deep breath and began to ascend the pearly white stone steps of the church. Each step felt heavier than the last, as though weights had been placed on your back. You looked up at the angel staues that stood on opposite sides of the door. Thier cold,lifeless stone eyes bore into you as you reached the top stair. Thier gaze was judging, as though they knew what you had done and what you were here for. With one last breath and a shaky hand pushed open the doors.

You cringed softly as the doors swung open slowly with a loud creak. You poked you head into the large room. You'd admit it was a beautiful church. The floors were a dark oak, shiny and polished the wall were white but coverd in art that you could only guess we're of different saints or Bible related stories, the windows were glass and colourful, again coverd in more art. Yes a beautiful church indeed but this is not what was important, what was important and flooded you with relieve open discovery was that the church was empty. Granted it was a little into the night, but that only made it all the more easy for you to confess. It was easier for a secret to be kept when there was only one prying ear and not a hundred. You stepped inside the church,the light dim but sufficient for finding your way. Your shoes made soft clacks as they met the floor with each step, echoing hauntingly throughout the room.

Your heart raced in your chest as you stood outside of a conffesional. you could hear your blood in your ears and feel your head become dizzy as memories and doubts plauged you. 'Were you really doing the right thing?' you scoffed of course you weren't the right thing to do would be hand your self over to the police and tell your childhood friends parents what accually happened that night. That no you hadn't valiantly tried to save thier boy but in accualality had been.... the one to put a knife through his chest. You felt tears begin to cloud your vision. Gods why were you such a fucking monster! Killing a man that trusted you entirely because you had drink one to manny and mistaked him as a intruder. What's worse is that you had the audacity to fucking lie straight to Margret and Joseph cleathers faces. You rememberd tears running down thier cheeks as Margret begged the sky, begged God. why? Just why had her boy been taken from her why?. You knew it be a very very long time before you could ever face them again if ever again. You may not be able to bring Alex back but you could confess to your crimes here and maybe once you stopped being a coward you'd turn yourself into the police. For now however this would do.

Slowly you steped inside the conffesional and sat down on the cold leather seat. It was dark with no interior lights the only thing to illuminate it being the few holes on the wall for you to communicate through. You waited patiently, the silence unsettling, you wished you had some gaurdian angel to help you get through this, if heaven and god even existed that is. Of course if they did, that also ment that hell and the devil did to. Hell..that's where you were going. You were brought out of your thoughts by the noise of foot steps and soft cheerful humming outside the conffesional you were in. The humming was brought to a stop when you gasped, a lighthearted slightly posh accented voice greeted you. "Oh! I wasn't expecting visitors this late!" You heard a giggle "you must be REAL desperate to cleanse yourself.. to "purify" your little ol soul" you cleared your throat stuttering out "I....I-i" you were cut off by the voice again "I-I-I I don't have all night darling! " The voice paused before continuing "hmmmm accually! i'v got all of enternity but I don't feel like wasting it on someone who can't even hold thier liquor past five cups!" The voice laughed merrily. "Sooooo tell me deary what has brought you here whats stained your "pure innocent" soul?" You took a deep breath. This man was strange but something told you that he was trust worthy, although... you instincts had been wrong before. "I" you began hesitant "I..I mudered someone m-my best friend..." You had done it you just confest to mudereing someone, your body felt somewhat lighter now, as though a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. You sat silently waiting for a reaction. You expected disgust or anger.... although nothing could have prepared you for what did happen.

Laughter..loud genuine amused laughter, that's what you heard. Bouncing off the walls echoing throughout the church like ringing bells. It continued for what seemed like eons, you sat in disbelief and shock. You had just told this man you had mudered in cold blood..and he laughs? What the actual fuck!?. You heard hoots and the sound of a hand slapping down on a knee, the laughter slowing to amused chuckles and childish giggles. "Oh my dearest is that all it was!?' he laughed again " when I saw the look on your face I figured you had blown up an orphanage!" There's so much guilt radiating off you darling it's......... Intoxicating" he purred, his voice deepening rapidly. You felt heat flow through your body making you gasp softly. You felt a tingling in your legs and goosebumps erupt on you skin. A low growl met you ears "Darling" he began "it is true what you commited was terribly sinful and it's a guarantee that stain had locked you out of Hevean" he wisperd bringing his mouth closer to the holes " but...I can fix that I can purify you filthy soul of sin don't you want that?" His breathes were getting slower and deeper.. desperate. You were silent for a few seconds the sudden heat in your body making it hard to think "yes" At that small little word you swore you could see a large teethish smile gleaming through the holes.

This is were smut begins if you don't like that please stop reading

Apon the door of the conffesional opening and seeing the man for the first time you had only one word come to mind. Beautiful he was the most beautiful man you had ever seen. He was tall with a built figure and pale skin, blonde curls framed his face and looked silky to the touch, crystal blue eyes bore into you as though they could see your soul they were his most striking feature, truly he looked like a angel. He smirked at your reaction pleased amused. Wasting no time he closed the conffesionals door behind him as he entered leaving you both in complete darkness, stalking towards you. You felt two hands cup your cheeks and roughly pull you forward into a passionate kiss. You froze for a second in suprize before wrapping your arms around his neck and kissing back with just as much force, you lips molding together perfectly. You squeaked as he roughly bit down on you lip, demanding entry. As soon as there was enough room to he pludge his tung into your hot mouth, exsploring his new territory eagerly. You held onto him tightly afraid if you were to let go you'd fall feeling you legs start to wobble. You wimperd when you felt him start to suck the wound he had inflicted on you bottom lip coxing the crimson liquid that he craved so desperately, sucking rougher as each drop hit his tung his eyes rolling back slightly in ecstasy. We he was done claiming your mouth he began leaving hot kisses on your flushed skin, kissing the side of your mouth trailing to your ear leaving littel bite marks after each kiss. " Lucifer" he panted into your ear you looked at him in question "that's my name sweet little lamb" you raised a eyebrow and chuckled breathlessly "how ironic" a preist named Lucifer? what a contradiction. He chuckled deeply before pressing his mouth to your ear "indeed it is darling but even so" he paused for effect " it wouldn't be very gentlemanly of me if I didn't tell you what name to scream out" he purred his accent thick before nibbling your earlobe. You panted and moaned when you felt his warm tung trail down your neck to you throat. You gasped and immediately gripped his hair as you felt his hand trailing down you thigh, running his nail's along the sensitive skin teasingly. You groaned as your core became hotter and began to throb in need as the touches got closer..and closer. They stopped why did they stop "ah ah now now deary not yet.. my job is to punish sinners. You growled at the shit eating grin on Lucifer's face, waving his finger in your face Tuting. "Give me your hand dear" you reached your left hand out in confusion. You were annoyed that he had stopped and you just wanted to do whatever it was you had to do to continue on with your "cleansing" the throbbing in your core was becoming painful and hard to ignore.

He shook his head grinning cheekily "no no little lamb the one that held the knife" you raised your eyebrow before slowly handing him your right-hand. He twirled you around switching your positions, sitting down on the leather seat with you now standing above him. Slowly he guided your hand beneath the white robes he wore to his pants were you felt a large bulge. He gasped gentely at your touch "now dear I want you to stroke it until I tell you to stop understood?" You nodded grumbling under your breath and judging from how lucifer smile widen maliciously he had heard your curses. Gentely you removed his robe and unzipped his pants. Your eyes widened at the size of him, you hadn't been expecting that. Lucifer who had been watching you, resting his hand on his cheek, smirked proudly " now sweetheart don't tell me your afraid~" he cooed mockingly. You looked up at him, you face unimpressed " you know Luci you really shouldn't antagonize a girl who's holding your dick...she might accidentally squeeze a little bit to hard" Lucifer simply chuckled and winked at you " oh please darling..show me just how much of a animal you are...be warned though I'll do the same" he flicked his tung over his teeth at you. You smirked and roughly started to stroke him, your smirk winded when you saw him digging his nail's into the leather and desperately trying to suppress a animalistic growl failing as he threw his head back and moaned wildly. "Aww what's wrong Luci can't handle a few strokes" you cooed, licking the precum that erupted from his tip. You had only a second to blink before Lucifer grabbed your head and slamed it down on his dick, giving you only seconds to adjust before vilonetly thrusting into your throat. " Thats right" he panted "take all of daddy's" he was cut off when you scraped your teeth against him realising a high pitched moan "such-such a good girl~"

It continued like that for a while before he evually came, holding your head down not letting go until he was certain that all his seed had gone down your throat. He fell back on the seat gasping and panting, the conffesionals temperature having rizen dramatically in the span of 30 minutes. Once he had regained somewhat of a thinking mind he picked you up gentely and sat you on his lap. He smiled approvingly as he looked at your face, red and flushed, bits of your hair clining to your face. He chuckled when he saw some of his liquid on your face " such a messy eater dearest" he teased, licked the remaining seed off your cheek, wrapping his arms around you and molding his lips with yours , wiping said seed onto your tung. He absolutely loved doing this with you. He loved the way you got on your knees for him and sucked him off as though you were a starving animal and he your only food force. He made him feel so, so very powerful. It made him feel like a god and you were his worshiper. That's it he had made his mind up, you belong to him now and he was going to fuck you raw until you knew it to.

He smiled at your exspression " what's wrong dear I didn't fuck you that hard did I? Or Am I just that fantastic?" You glared up at him with puffed cheeks "shut...the fuck....up" you huffed breathlessly, wacking him softly in the chest. Lucifer smirked, oh the things he was going to do to you " ho ho! it seems this little lamb still has quite a mouth on her!"

He laughed softly before leaning into your ear and growling in the deepest tone you had herd from him. Each word seemed to echo in an otherworldly way, but you were sure that this was just your mind playing tricks. It was quite, dare you say it demonic "but that's okay because when I'm finished with her" he paused " her throat will be to swore from screaming my name say such naughty things". It happened in one movement. He had picked you up and slamed you against the conffesionals wall and ramming himself fully inside you, not giving you time to adjust as he began to thrust wildly each one harder and faster than the last. Your eyes rolled back into your head as you clawed at lucifers back, leaving deep scratches and marks, which he loved. "Fu-fuck Lucifer!" You screamed, the pleasure overwhelming "that's right" he growled, his voice getting deeper as his true form began to surface "TELL ME WHO OWNS YOU TELL ME WHOS THE ONLY ONE THAT GETS TO FUCK YOU LIKE THIS" he roared, his nail's turning into claws, digging into your back drawing blood. "YOU LUCIFER I BELONG TO YOU ONLY YOU" you cried out, bucking your hips into him. You sank you teeth into his shoulder at a particularly hard thrust, muffling another scream. Lucifer growled at the scent of blood and the feeling of your nails and teeth buried so roughly in him. " Such a good little breeding bitch you are" he groaned as your nails sank deeper " do you know how tightly your cunt is clining to me? Are you that desperate to be breeded my dear? Don't worry.. if your a good little whore and let me fuck the sin out of you I'll gladly put a little prince or princess in your womb" as he let out another roar his horns sprouted from his head. Half his face being his true fallen angel one and the other his human disguise. His teeth became sharp and his tung snake like, one eye pupil being slit and the other the sparkling blue that had drawn you in. "Oh deary me..looks like the cats out of the bag.

He panted his voice fully demonic "suprizessss" he said with a snakish lisp, flicking his tung over his teeth at you and did a little jazz hand before sinking his teeth in your shoulder, the taste driving him crazy.

Your hands griped his horns tightly, trying to keep yourself up as he rammend into you so deep you swore you could feel him touching your heart. "Lucifer f-faster" you wimperd before screaming in pleasure as you felt several things attach to your walls keeping lucifer Inside you, he couldn't move as much but it still felt hevanly. After a few more minutes, you two having been at this for hours upon hours, having multiple orgazims and been in Manny positions you felt your vision start to fade. With one last thrust lucifer let out a high pitched whine before growling lowly and cumming inside you, your jucies mixing together "LUCIFER' was the last thing you screamed before passing out, Lucifer catching you. Gentely he pulled out after all his seed was in your womb, panting heavily placing kisses over all the bites and scratches he had placed on your body. He sat down on the leather chair your body curled up to him, his hand gentely running through your hair checking for injuries. Looking around at the state of the conffesional he laughed there were several large claw marks on the walls and the door was barely hangging on, a pile of both your torn clothing in the corner " wonder how those church goers are going to explain this" in truth he didn't care, no he only cared about the exhausted girl who was currently nuzzling up to him. He smiled softly, placing a sweet kiss on your lips before summoning a robe and wrapping it around you putting on his usual outfit. He was very glad he answered you summons. When had herd you wishing for a angel to help you confess he had fully intend in messing with you... however plans changed, now you were his mate, his beautiful little lamb and he was never going to let you go. With that he summoned a portal to hell and stepped through, you in his arms. One things for certain you had repented for you sins all to the help of a beautiful preist.

Annnnnnd that's a wrap I do appreciate constructive feedback. Sorry for spelling and grammar errors as well if the smutty part want that good. Again I get really shy about those things.

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 46 - watching notes

Full disclosure: I'm not in a particularly good mood today. Have you seen that "no productivity. Only guild." Meme flying around? That's me today :|

Hopefully this will distract me (though distraction was the problem in the first place 🙈)

I apologise for any typos you'll finde in this post 😅

To recap, the last thing I learned was that apparently, Jiggy married his own sister because Jin Guangshan was a scumbag who raped more women than he could possibly remember

I was told by several people that this episode is their favourite. No pressures or anything :D

The way someone is dragging up Jiggy's secrets has a lot of poetic justice to it. Everyone is outraged and gossiping. Consensus is reached quickly. Kinda makes me feel that that someone (who probably also wrote the letter to jgy) knows exactly how to use the sect world's worst qualities as a weapon

Yao what's-his-name, resident gossip queen, at it again

Don't look at me my memory is as bad as wwx when it comes to names :D

I was about to write who is Lianfang Zum again and then I remembered that it's jiggy's honorary title. See what I mean? ^^

What does it say about me that my heart makes a leap when I simply see wwx leaning close to lwj to whisper to him? 😅 I'll probably die reading the novel, that's what that says

Oh so it was the maid who sent the letter

Come on Wei Wuxian! That was cruel

Yeah Yao what's-his-name, why would you need to know the identity of who ever is behind this? It's not like you've ever been deceived before!

What's... with that bracelet?

I love it how everyone looks positively startled when Lan Wangji says something unprompted :D

Wait ... Zwei Jun is in his hands? Shit, i don't remeber what happened there. Where did Xichen go again? 😬

I'm so confused right now 🙈 I can't watch and read the subtitles and type

Okay, watched the whole conversation again, now I'm following

I reiterate my earlier statement that whoever is pulling the strings here knows exactly what strings to pull to get the clans to act

Great, another mob 🙄

Loooool

NOW you want his help? 😂

Sure, as soon as he can serve YOU with his "evil tricks", that's okay!

You can see how much wwx changed because he does not hold their hypocrisy to their faces. He mostly seemed tired of it

And Jiang Cheng just realised that wwx might indeed not be responsible for Jiang Yanli's death, didn't he? He's almost stunned 🥺

Or is BEAUTIFUL to see Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji move in such unity! 😭

Oh ... those are the graves of his foster parents, right? :(

And Yanli ... oh God I forgot about Yanli 🥺

I'm crying again. Nothing on this show will ever hit as hard to me as the Yunmeng siblings' fate

I couldn't help myself, I legitimately just stroked my laptop screen where Yanli's plate was 🥺

So many conflicting emotions

Thanks to a friendly anon, I know that these three bows together are marriage thing! 😭😭😭

So yeah, they're married now. I dont make the rules :')

Somehow, this feels like them asking wwx's foster family's blessing

And now I'm imagining Shijie smiling back at them gently and I'm crying 🥺

And by God, I love lwj's gentle teasing :')

This whole scene, he's so soft! 😭

And it think that Wei Wuxian probably thought that he'd never get to step into Lotus Pier again. But here, he can finally say his goodbyes to his Shijie properly. He can heal! 🖤

And again, I cannot stress enough how wonderful that is! And how rare and precious in a show like this. So often character's get put through unimaginable trauma, but they either brush it off no problem or the show/movie ends immediately after the main action and you are left to imagine the number it did on the character's psyche. There are so rarely fantasy shows that really dive into the emotional fallout the plot has on their characters and then give them time to heal. Thus show does both and I'm so goddamn overjoyed my it!

Come to think of it, it reminds me of a very good hurt/comfort fic 🤷‍♀️

Jiang Cheng pleae, fir once, try not to be angry immediately when you're hurting :(

He still takes special offence that lwj is there. Makes me wonder if he still feels like wwx chooses lwj over the Jiang sect and is still hurt by it 😔 (note that at the same time, he reminds wwx that he's very much not a member of the Jiang clan anymore. God, the man has not worked through his own feelings ...)

For once, as much as I love it when lwj defends wwx (especially when it's not against any physical harm, but because he doesn't want wwx to be hurt emotionally) I think him interfering with this particular conflict does not help

Okay sorry, but no! lotus pier was not destroyed because wwx saved lwj in that cave. That was just an excuse for the Wen sect. They would have come eventually anyway

Ohhh

So there's my answer

He's still hurt because he feels wwx chooses anyone else over his family, which is to say him

And he probably can't understand because their positions are so different. The (future) sect leader and the son of a (dead) servant and a rogue cultivator who never felt quite like he belonged 😔

It's so goddamn tragic how much between these two was destroyed simply because they have such a different status in society and could never quite understand each other's perspective

And again, wwx just takes it 💔

Until, that is, lwj's honour gets besmirched

Don't fight in front of Shijie 🥺

Jiang Cheng's every action screams that he still loves his brother and that amidst all that pain for his lost family, is also deep betrayal and grieve for the brother he thought he could always count on 🥺💔

Can we appreciate for a second how much this shot tells us? From Jiang Cheng's angry desperation, to Wei Wuxian's quite acceptance of his rage (which must be so confusing to Jiang Cheng and probably hurt him even more. Because fighting is always how these two resolved their issues!) to Lan Wangji who is in full on protective mode (which I find more than heartwarming,but still think probably isn't helpful rn)

He ... what?

I still don't quite understand when exactly wwx's lack of golden core shows. Why does he have a nosebleed here?

What?

Oh!

Wen Ning 😱

I get what he wants to do!

Have we ever seen him this calm and determined before?

Abd they understand 😱😱😱

The look on all of their faces! Shiiiiit

I'm crying again

Oh wangii is crying 🥺

Wen Quing 💔💔💔 I'm crying even harder just looking at her. I've MISSED her 🥺

Lan Zhan your FACE!! 😭

The way he's looking at wwx in his arms, as if he's seeing him fir the first time

And by god, I can only imagine what he must be thinking

He must be reevaluation every single interaction they had since wwx started down the path of demonic cultivation 😭

I'm a bit in awe of Wen Ning here and how much he must have been holding in. That's the steadiest and most confident he's ever been

Oh Jiang cheng 💔

That looks like a man whose entire world has just been shaken to its core

And Lan Wangji is crying so much 🥺

God I hope he doesn't blame himself even more 🥺

Aaaaaaahhhh, so that is why he wouldn't just carry the sword for appearance sake and why he just had a nosebleed!

Jiang Cheng probably needs about a month to process all that :/

And therapy ...

Aaaaaaahhhh! The boat scene! I've seen gifs! 😍😍😍

A penny for Lan Wangji's thoughts ...

Oh I'm so so so so glad that Wen Ning gets to say thank you to the man who raised his ... cousin (?) :')

Oh god we get to see!!!!

Oh little a Yuan 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I wonder now, did Lan Qiren know who the child was that his nephew suddenly brought back to cloud recess?

I'm glad that we all learned from this that keeping secrets from the people we love, especially secrets that concern them personally, will eventually come back to bide us in the ass. Than you for delivering that important lesson, wen Ning!

Which reminds me that I hope they eventually tell wwx that they know 😬

I swear to god, one of these days I will melt from the gentleness in lan Wangji's gaze :')

Shit. He had to be awake? 😳

You can pinpoint the moment Lan Wangji's heart breaks for all the suffering wwx endured and how close he came to loosing him even then 🥺

Waking like that in you lovers arms in the middle of a lotus pond - that's the dream *sighs* (minus the passing out bit)

It's weirdly cute that wwx thinks that it's Jiang Cheng's insults that have lwj so upset 😅

Oh GOOOOD ...

I can't

The moment Yanli's themes started to play and she appeared I started to bawl 😭😭���

And he's sharing the lotus pods with them ... oh please, lwj, please understand what he's saying. That's his pove language! His sister's food was how he received love and right now he passes it on to you! Please, please understand it! 🥺

Oh lwj, don't 🙈

Awwwwww ....

He's breaking the rules for you!!! Just to make you smile!!! 😭😭

And holy shit look at their expressions 😭

By now you should know that he's willing to break the rules for you :')

And poor third wheel Wen Ning 😂

Now there are glittering butterflies???

Do they have some kind of romantic aesthetic bingo going on in this episode???

Oh okay, messenger butterflies

Please appreciate wwx almost climbing into lan Wangji's lab in excitement :D

Thay scene transition was pretty af!

Hey! Why do they bully wen Ning? 😤

*shakes wwx by the shoulders* DO YOU GET THAT HE LOVES YOU NOW???

Huh, this episode was a roller coaster. you guys did NOT exaggerate! I loved it to pieces. I'm floored once more by all the actor's performances. Wen Ning revealed a lot about his character, Jiang Cheng broke my heart, Lan Wangji made it melt and Shijie is still able to make me bawl in an instant. But ... I'm not left with a bitter feeling. Sure, jiang Cheng and wei Wuxian havebt reconciled, but the truth is the first step to even have that possibility. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji are both healing and whatever happens in the last 4 (4!!!😭) episodes, I'm not dreading it that much right now. I feel like we're climbing upwards :)

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose thank you guys for staying with me for this crazy ride 💙🖤💙

Also one last thing: please don't tell me what happens differently in the novel in any given scene. I am still reading it (about half way through rn) and I'd like to still be surprised by stuff like first kisses and love confessions 💙🖤

I should have put something like this at the end before, but I always forgot. That's on me 😅 so don't feel bad, if you've shared something before :)

[kookiesspacebuns]

Suite 114 | Pt. 19 |

■ pairing: Jimin x Oc

■ genre: fluff, smut

■ words: 4k

Time passes in the comfort of his arms. Not fast. Not slow. But as it should.

I dozed off almost immediately after we collapsed into my cloud of pillows and blankets, but eventually wake up from the chilled night air wafting across my upper body.

With the help of the soft sound of his breathing, I relax further into the man beside me, curling myself around his frame and draping my leg over his thighs.

With his head turned up and eyes closed in comfortable sleepy silence, I count the beautiful blemishes scattered across the expanse of his neck, committing every detail of them to memory. The photos I used to gawk over online in no way compare to the creamy skin a breaths length in front of me. Fine hair tickles my fingers as they graze over a particular spot that my lips ache to touch.

Jimin's bare chest expands under my arm and I tilt my head up further to watch his  mouth open wide to release a loud yawn that vibrates his whole body. Smiling, I pull myself up to press my lips against the patch of skin I’ve been staring at for God knows how long.

My bed creaks as his body twists to mirror mine.

“You’re still awake?” He asks hoarsely, positioning his face closer to mine on the pillow. I feel his soft fingers play with the skin at my waist, pinching and subsequently rubbing as if apologizing to the abused skin. Not that it hurts, if anything it feels extremely relaxing, more so knowing whose hands are doing it.

“I don’t want to sleep right now,” I reply.

He kisses my forehead and drags his lips down my temple to press another into the fullness of my red cheeks.

He giggles and mumbles against my cheek, “When will you stop blushing around me?”

My neck feels ticklish suddenly and my shoulder cringes upwards against him, “Whenever you stop kissing me so much.”

His torso lifts off of the bed, his hands pressed on either side of me to hold his weight above mine, “Oh, so should I stop kissing you then?”

In the most playful way I can, I roll my eyes at his absurdity, “Of course not,” I lift up, aiming for his pouty lips but end up kissing his cheek instead when he turns his head abruptly.

“Uh uh. No more kisses for you,” his own cheeks redden as he smiles down at me and sits back on his knees

“Nooooo,” I whine like the child I am and pounce at him. With more ease and agility than a human should even have, he slips off of the bed in one quick movement, leaving me to face plant into the sheets where his body just was, “Jimin!”

His loud chuckle echoes loudly off of my bedroom walls, “I like when you’re whiny,” falling to his knees gracefully next to the bed, he places his palms on either side of my head and lifts my face to his, “I guess if you need my kisses that bad then….”

I grab the hair at the nape of his neck and pull him into my waiting lips. He smirks and giggles into my mouth at first, but I persist on, swiping my tongue against his full lips to let him know exactly what I want. I know the exact moment the switch in his brain flips, as he grasps my underarms and pulls me off of the bed.

Knowing that I can trust him to catch me, I withhold the yelp in my throat and barrel on with my tongue until his lips part and mine grazes against his in fervor. With my hips now settled in his lap and my knees pressed against the floor, I subtly grind into the hardness I feel growing beneath me.

“This-” he tries to pull away to speak but I tilt my head and press my mouth tighter against his.

I had absolutely no intention of having sex with him again, but feeling him press into my naked bottom spreads fire through my limbs again and I'm weak to resist what my body wants. Even if it just got it's fill not even an hour ago. If I didn't know he was hard and almost beckoning underneath me, I wouldn't dare be as brash as I'm about to be any moment.

Slipping my hand between us, I grab onto his erection and center myself as best as I can before plunging down onto the length of it, taking him to the hilt in one go.

His lips yank away and he presses his forehead against mine, “Fuck, Anna-”

I watch his eyes glass over as he looks down between our gyrating bodies, admiring the way his length disappears and reappears between my folds. My walls clench around him at the pure ecstacy covering his beautiful face. Resting my upper arms on his shoulders, I grab more of his hair and leverage myself so that his face rests against my chest and bounce on his lap as if my life depended on it. And honestly, in this moment it feels exactly that way.

We hold each other close, not one inch of us separated from the other, and ride out our sudden, lust-filled highs.

My eyes are locked onto the popcorn pattern of my ceiling as I cum, the little mountains of paint swirl in my vision until I finally close my eyes and ride the steep wave back down into reality. Into the shaking lap of an orgasming Jimin. His face is indescribable right after he's done. Like nothing could ruin his mood in that moment, not even an asteroid crashing into the room. I just want to stare at the gorgeousness of him for hours with nothing else on my mind besides the many shades of pink blotting his full, agape lips. And the way his eyes flutter, fighting the urge to stay closed and fall asleep.

Falling back, I let my back rest against the edge of my bed and take deep breaths to calm my racing heart. The room smells like pure sex and I kind of like it.

“What are you smiling about?” he asks.

I look down at Jimin through low lidded eyes, “I didn't even realize I was smiling,” I say.

I lift myself up, disconnecting our  bodies. The evidence of his orgasm leaks out of me and travels down my thigh as I sit on the edge of the bed. Jimin inhales sharply at the sight of the white, creamy substance staining my skin and now my bed sheets.

Usually I'd grab a blanket or pillow to cover myself up, but I feel completely at ease sitting naked, even under his watchful eyes. It feels natural now.

“I know this is a little late to ask,” he says, grabbing my unstained thigh and rubbing circles into my flesh with his thumb, “But, you're on birth control right?” His dark brown eyes stare up into mine carefully.

“What if I'm not?” I feel bratty and decide to challenge him just for the heck of it.

His bottom lip slips between his teeth and he raises to his knees to wrap his arms around me and settle between my legs, “Then maybe I'd have an excuse to stay.”

I melt.

Like fucking butter in his arms.

I may be reading into his words wrong, but it sounded like he wants me to get pregnant. That's crazy.

My brows furrow in on themselves, contradicting the way my chest vibrates from the pounding within. Confusion must be clear on my face.

“No, Jimin. You're crazy,” I whisper, as if someone were to overhear.

His hair shakes and tickles my chest as he moves his head back and forth. When his chin moves to rest right on my sternum, I search his wide eyes for a clue as to what is going through his mind. Is he just high on post-sex oxytocin or is he serious?

“I am. I know it's probably wrong, but it came out so easily,” he voices, his breath blowing gently up my chest. Goosebumps cover the area it's touched.

“No babies for me right now,” my lips purse. I hope he doesn't see how shy this conversation is making me feel. Not like I haven't thought of little baby Jimin’s before, but I never thought the conversation would actually come up. Especially this soon.

He lowers his face to my belly rolls and places little kisses around my belly button, “Maybe in a few years then.” He says seriously, lips brushing against the fine hairs of my abdomen.

He doesn't see my eyes widen, but I know he feels my figure stiffen a bit because he tilts his head a peaks up at me, “Jimin!” I whine and smack him on the shoulder playfully, “We literally just met!”

“That's never stopped people before,” he says. I feel his mouth upturn against my belly and the slow rumble that makes its way up his frame as he begins to chuckle.

“JIMIN!” I yell and push at his shoulders, to which he falls back, in the most exaggerated display I've ever seen, onto the floor where he grabs his stomach and belts his laughter up into the still air.

All I want to do is throw myself on him and join in with his contagious laughter, but if I sit any longer on my bed I'll never be able to remove the huge stain forming underneath me. Not being able to keep a straight face at his display of outright cuteness, I bite my lip has hard as I can and walk to the bathroom shaking my head. Though, when I see my reflection in the mirror, cheesing smile despite biting the shit out of my lip to control my laughter, I relinquish the hold on my lower lip and let it spill out.

Cleaning myself up takes just a minute with the help of magical wipes, and I'm returning to a half dead Jimin, still on the floor, glaring at the ceiling in no time. Literally glaring, as if they are having the most infuriating conversation. I take a moment and admire his sculpted body in the gleams of moonlight penetrating my bedroom window.

I'll honestly never be attracted to anyone else. It's almost a curse. I'll be utterly ruined if things weren't to work out...nobody else could even compare.

Ignoring the pile of clothes I had on before our little– not so little actually–rendezvous, I pull out a night shirt and throw it on. Realistically, I should shower, but some primal part of me wants to keep whatever is left of him inside of me for as long as possible. Plus, a shower would take away time spent with him before he leaves, which I feel approaching fast.

Silence surrounds us for a bit as I sit on the bed and watch him rise from the floor and pull my sweats back up his legs. Something on my desk catches his attention and he slides across the carpet to inspect whatever it is. His back is facing me, blocking the object that he examines quietly.

“Hmm,” he hums and turns with with his hands clasped around the object of interest, “I don't know how I should feel about this.” His brows quirk as he holds up a purple pen with a tiny figure of Mang breakdancing at the top of it.

I chortle in such an unpretty way at the ridiculous look on his face, “Don't worry, I no longer have eyes for Hoseok. Mang is super adorable though.”

He twirls my favorite pen in his hand and runs it between his thumb and pointer finger vigorously, “So, you had eyes for Hobi?”

My heart jumps into my throat. Shit.

“Oh! Well-I…...Okay,” I sigh and try to collect my thoughts and figure out a way to not make this anymore awkward, “I'm not going to deny that I've never been attracted to the others, but I've always been drawn to you the most. Now more so than ever…. obviously,” I giggle nervously, “Honestly, the rest of the guys are more like brothers now and my view on them is much different now…..”

“Anna.”

I pause mid-thought and look away from his hands, up into his crinkled eyes.

“You don't have to explain, silly. I was trying to be funny,” He drops the pen back into its place on my desk and smiled at me, “Plus I know how alluring Hoseok is, you don't have to pretend you're not attracted to him, everyone is.”

Wait a second.

“What are you saying?” I question him with squinted eyes.

“What do you mean?”

I watch his face turn from one of humor to confusion, “To me it sounds like you find him attractive.” As soon as the words leave my mouth a deep red flourishes his round cheeks.

“Ugh, well-” He turns away and pretends to examine the rest of the clutter covering my desk. No way am I letting this slip away. Jumping up from my spot I step behind him and raise on my tippy toes to rest my chin on his shoulder.

“‘Don't pretend you're not attracted to him’, Jimin,” I chuckle into the curve of his neck and press a kiss to the heated skin there.

I spot his striped shirt laying beside my feet. I pick it up and press it into his hand. He stares at it for a moment before pulling it on. When his face re-emerges I notice that it's still tinged pink but not as much as before. He really is embarrassed by my teasing and deep down, I find immense pleasure from it.

We stand a foots length apart watching each other for a minute in pure silence. I sense the mood switch almost immediately and a feeling of dread burrows it's way into my chest and stomach.

“When are you leaving?” I ask the question suddenly burning at the forefront of my mind.

His hair covers my view of his face as his head drops, “Tomorrow,” he sighs.

“Oh,” I sound, as if I didn't have a gut feeling already, “So, no staying tonight?”

He looks up at that and steps forward to cup my face in his hands.

“I'm afraid not. I'm not even supposed to be here right now,” his lips curve for a split second, “I packed earlier so that I could come see you.”

I smile as well, but it's not as genuine as I'd like it to be.

“When do you have to leave then?” My heart collapses in on itself.

I don't want him to go. Why did I have to fall for someone I can only have in fleeting moments?

“Hours ago.”

His hands leave my face and find my wrists. I'm pulled to the window where he stops to sit. He pulls me down beside him and I turn my body so that we face each other with the glass panel to my left and my legs intertwined with his.

“Do you sit here often?” His eyes are gentle as he loops upon me.

I nod my head, “A lot actually. I like to read whenever I have the chance.”

“Will you sit here whenever I can call you at night?” His hand grabs ahold of my ankle.

“You know that night time for me will be super early morning for you, right?”

“Of course I do.” He responds without hesitation.

“You need to sleep as much as you can”

He sits up straight, “I will, don't worry. I just need to call you even if it's only to hear your voice and tell you goodnight.”

It takes all of the willpower I have not to melt into a puddle of mushy feelings onto the floor. However strong I may be the keep from fainting from such an overwhelming feeling of love, I can't control the few tears that glide down my cheeks and drip onto my shirt.

I'm ridiculous, really. I may seem like a strong, independent woman on the outside, at least I hope that's what others think of me, but the real me is malleable and soft. Even the tiniest things can penetrate my falsely-thick skin.

Do I just accept that some crazy, weird, teenage girl hormonal shit is happening inside of me?

The sound of air being pulled roughly through teeth pierces my tumultuous thoughts.

Jimin has his hand in his hair, keeping the dangly front pieces from hiding his almost flawless forehead. His eyes are watery, but not like mine. He seems to be having an inner struggle with himself, based on the tense set of his usually relaxed lips.

“I'm sorry, Anna. I know this is all…….crazy.” He leans forward to wipe the tears from my face with his thumb on one side and the back of his hand on the other, “You feel it too, don't you?”

Oh, I feel it. But does he really feel the same? The same crushing weight that has me  emotionally on edge 24/7.

“Yes,” I murmur, avoiding his eyes out of shyness.

His touch leaves me and we sit in silence for the umpteenth time tonight. Both of us caught up in our own thoughts.

Jimin is the first to move. His form rises from the window seat and ponders over the inspect the few books I have on a shelf beside my bed. He runs his finger across a few spines before speaking, “We won't be back until awards season in December.”

I frown, “That's in three months.”

“Yeah. Then after that we leave again for the second leg of our tour. I know it's a long time, but I promise to keep in touch.” His eyes reveal no emotion as they turn back to me.

I know how long they usually go on tour and knowing them, they will more than likely announce more dates as time passes. Not that it's a bad thing, but now more than before, I worry about his, and the others’, health. And sanity.

And whether what we have will be able to last through just a telephone or computer.

“I know you will,” I say, crossing my legs, “Try and stay healthy though.”

“Of course,” He smiles gently.

A bright light illuminates the opposite side of my bed and a chime follows. Jimin walks around to grab his phone and read what I assume to be a text message. His face is lit by the blue light from the screen and I swear I can see the disappointment in his eyes as he types.

After, turning his phone off and placing it on the bed he, once again, fiddles with his hair, “I have to go now.”

“Oh.”

“My driver is outside.”

I jump up from my seat in false haste. Every nerve in my body wants me to go as slow as I can at seeing him out, but it's going to happen either way. Why put off the pain?

“Um—I’ll get your clothes.”

He nods and I make my way into the bathroom to grab his clothing that I had hung up earlier to dry. As expected, they are still sopping wet, so I bundle them as best as I can in case anything is still dripping.

When I return with the wet clothing in my arms, I display the best apologetic face I have, “I should've offered to dry them downstairs at the laundromat but I wasn't thinking straight.” I place the clothes in his arms.

“Let's make a deal,” he says, pulling the shirt out of the bundle and handing it back to me, “If you let me keep this on,” He grasps at the striped shirt he currently sports, “I'll let you keep this wet shirt.”

“Well that shirt is yours anyways…..” I laugh, taking the shirt.

“I'd actually leave it with you, but I don't want to go back into the rain shirtless. So keep that one.”

“Why do you want me to keep your shirt so bad?” I cock my head to the side and place a hand on my hip, the bratty side showing its face again.

“I like the idea of you in my clothes. My girl, in my clothes.”

“Your girl?” I swallow.

“My girl.” He hums and pulls me into his arms, dropping the clothing onto the floor causing a resounding thump.

Just about the same noise my heart makes.

“So…...are we……” My lips shut as I realize what I'm asking.

“What?” His teeth peek out from behind his lips as he smiles.

“Nevermind,” I shake my head and lay it on his chest.

He runs his hands through my hair and tilts my head up to gaze into my eyes.

“Anna. Will you be my girlfriend?”

“Yes.” I answer, embarrassingly fast.

The eyes I've loved for years look down at me in admiration.

“My first girlfriend,” His smile is so wide and bright, I can almost feel the light illuminating my face.

For a second I'm heartbroken that I can't say the same. I've had boyfriends before, none as serious as this by a long shot. But there's something about 'the first’ and I wish I could share his joy in that.

It all seems insignificant though when his lips touch mine.

•••

The whole night seems like a blur now, as I sit in my window seat, watching the spot where his car just was. I try to ignore the ache taking over my chest, knowing that I will only see him through a screen for the next 3 months at least. At least I will see him in some form or another, I tell myself.

It doesn't work.

I fall onto my bed and mope into the pillow that still smells like his shampoo. Looks like I'm not washing this pillowcase for a while.

Does that make me weird? I think to myself

Maybe I'm just in love.

Right as I'm finally falling asleep, my phone dings.

I open the newly-downloaded app, Snapchat and click Jimin's message. A picture pops up of me asleep against his chest with text that says ‘I have the world's prettiest girlfriend’.

Fuck. How am I going to survive this.

MASTERLIST

[gotoveritstillloveyou]

I'm just writing to let you know that I've pet Christ into my heart and all my sins are forgiven, I've been in an AA program and I'm on step 7 and I just want to make amends with you, everything was my fault, and I'm on a mission to spread love and light and I've found my true path as an empath moon child, I've found healing and now I must heal the world.

Jesus, if I actually wrote you something like that, I know that you love me enough that you would do the right thing and take me out back and shoot me.

Now just hold you're fuckin horses. I know you probably don't want to hear from me. Maybe you've even forgotten me. You probably have an idea of who I am and what kind of bullshit letter I'm about to write you. Just wrangle your ponies for a second and throw out that idea. This is not what you think it is and not what you're expecting and I am not the person that comes to mind. Just let me explain before you bail.

I know what I'm writing. So we had this thing together. "Figuring it out". We were on a mission. We were gonna figure out life, figure out ourselves and become our best happiest versions, figure each other out, and we had this big dream. It went well at first, then it really went to shit with a high fiber diet. You left forever. I accept that. I kept going. I kept working on the same mission. Not just working on my life and mission. Our mission. That thing we worked so hard on and tried so hard for. I just kept going. Again, not for me. For us.

This may seem like a stupid decision. Maybe it was, but it was my decision. It was barely a choice honestly, but I stuck with it. I kept you on my mind and I kept working on those things. I kept loving you, again not much choice in that, but I still love you. I love you more than ever honestly. Again, not your fucking problem. You owe me nothing and hold no obligation to return those feelings.

Here's the thing. I succeeded. I triumphed. I am victorious in what we set out to do. It was extremely difficult. There's one thing left. I hold all this information and discoveries in my head and all these thoughts of you and something in me is just screaming that I must write it down.

Why should you care? It is long forgotten and in the past. Look, have I bothered you at all? Have I did one single thing? You knew me for 2 years, did you ever know me to respect a law? No, that's not what's been stopping me. I haven't had anything worth saying. Now I do. This doesn't have to mean anything to you, but this is more than some love letter or some old boyfriend.

There are things you don't know that I think you should. After you left I started writing and investigation and experimenting. My main goals were to get an answer about what happened between us, to figure out what was wrong with me, and to somehow recover and get over you or to come up with something to say to you. Over the course of trying to do this I discovered some shit. I found something to say to you.

I discovered that things were not what they seemed. Never once in this letter will there be any gas lighting, any denial of what happened, any denial of facts. But I found out that there was truly something else going on. I found out that we seemed like somebody else to each other. I found some things truly paranormal and supernatural in nature.

I came to a deeper understanding of myself, you, God, and life. I began to realize that it had to happen like that. I brought it full circle. When I look back and see who we were and what we set out to do, I see that what has happened was the only way to actually achieve that. What I went through was the only way I was ever going to truly change as a person, and I'm not talking about the mean messed up guy I was back then, I'm talking about everything. I'm not talking about baby I've changed, baby things could be different. I am talking about a fundamental change from top bottom, from the tip of my nose to the bottom of my soul, everything that I ever was. The experience was nessecary to you too. What we experienced was not some good/bad failed relationship. What we experienced was God's plan. It was a psychedelic horror show.

I've began making some lofty claims, and I can promise you I have proof and explanations for what I'm saying. Give me a chance.

Again, pull the rains on your unicorn. I know what's probably going through your mind, so let me finish my intro.

I know writing you and thinking something is going to happen is absolutely futile. That's not what I'm doing. I've climbed so many mountains and died so many times. I'm not quite done with what I'm working on, I'm in a period of transition and rest, but I've got past the hard part. I am empty of any desires or any problems and things are kinda finally over with, but since the day you left, to this day, on this day more powerfully than ever, I am driven to write this. There is not much left to do, and not much going on, but these thoughts in my head are beyond important, greater than meaningful, and they are screaming to be let out, and there's only one person they could possibly be said to.

You.

I know who you are, and who I'm writing to. Through this journey I've been on I've come to a deeper understanding of you than probably anyone ever will. But I'm not living in the clouds any more. I know that the person I'm writing to is someone from the past, who has changed a lot since I last saw her. I'm writing to someone who does not want to hear from me, someone I will never ever see again. Someone who I hurt and betrayed who will never forgive me. I have absolutely not change at changing your mind, writing to you likely will even have bad consequences for me, or it might upset you to hear from me. You might have a kid now, or be with someone else, or become someone else. Maybe you're horrible now, maybe all those bad things I thought were true. Maybe you're even more amazing now, and would never let a wretch like me cross your mind. My point is, I'm not being some romantic fool. I'm writing a letter to a memory, someone who has long moved on and forgotten me, and no matter how badly I want it, someone who will never be in my life again, someone who ultimately will not give a single fuck about what I'm about to write, someone who most likely would laugh at this and share with their friends so they can all laugh at it together.

And I do have a fantastical notion of who you are, but believe me I would never let myself be dumb enough to believe and hope for it to be real, that would be suicide. But I think of a girl that truly loved me so much and tried so hard for us. I write this weird cryptic shit and think man nobody would understand this, but I realize that I used to know someone that would get it. I write this, and my other even crazier Tumblr, and think God I could never show this to anyone, and then I remember a girl I knew that showed me her fucked up Tumblr that was way worse than this on our first date. Every day I have all these thoughts and I know there's only one person that would understand, and I have this feeling in my heart that just won't quit, and then I came upon these revelations and discoveries and I know that I have to tell you them.

Hold the fuck on I'm not even done, put your Pegasus back in its hangar.

You're remembering the wrong person. You're sitting here reading this bullshit and you're thinking it's bullshit because you're thinking of someone else. You gotta let that go or you're gonna miss out on what I'm about to say. You have some really bad memories of me. I was broken. What you saw and what we experienced together was full of secrecy and illusions. You will understand if you read this whole thing. I was hidden to you. I purposely hid myself from you, I acted a certain way on purpose, I was scared of you l, I refused to give my true self to you. Beyond that, I was fundamentally broken, in more ways than you have any clue of, I was hidden from myself beyond my own control. I didn't know who I was. You were in love with me, but you weren't in love with this hidden version of me, or this broken piece of shit I was on the outside. You saw right through that, and I don't know how, but you were in love with the truest form of me, you were in love with my soul and nothing else, and despite all else. I think that's beautiful. And then you went through all that shit with the other me. That other me said and did so many things to you. Finally, just one time, read what the real me has to say.

Rein in your rhino. I'm not saying what you think I'm saying. I am not forgiven or absolved. I am not saying I'm different now so those things don't matter. I will provide no excuse, no rationalization, no justification. What I got for you are reasons, reasons I fought hard to obtain. I have a story to tell you. I will not ask you for forgiveness, I will never be able to undo what happened, nothing changes it, but there's a story you need to hear.

And just park your fucking chariot right there. I am not insane. God what a relief that would be. I know what it's like to be insane. Currently, I am the most stable, well balanced, clear thinking, and consistent I have ever been in my entire life. In fact, for a few years there, I kept thinking I figured it all out! And I would eventually get a moment of clarity, and be like damn, I've been mentally ill for the whole past 3 months and I was wrong as fuck about everything. That day refuses to come. It would be such a relief. Because what I'm about to write I know is true, and it being true is the greatest Hell I probably could've landed in.

Do you truly hate me for what I did and wish the worst for me? Then that's why you should read this. This is my punishment. I truly lived in torment for about a year after you left, so enjoy that. But then I began to figure it out. I figured out what happened. You think I'm guilty and you hate me about all the mean ways I acted? Oh, what I really did is much worse. It is entirely unknown to you, and this is my confession. I did find some peace and health through the journey after our relationship, and through working through all those memories, but then I found all the missing puzzle pieces, and I truly know what I've done, I truly know what I've missed out on, I truly know what was possible, and what it all meant, and the conclusion I've arrived on is the most painful and brain shredding thing I ever could've imagined.

I really want you to read and understand this. Just give it a chance. None of this made sense to me for so long, but I began to uncover all these hidden truths, and all this secrets, and all these connections. Despite who you are now and what you think now, we went through that together. We were together almost 2 years and lived with each other for almost a year. We felt extremely huge emotions and put in so much effort and changed our lives so much. You deserve to know the truth.

Please put aside, just temporarily, whatever you told yourself about what happened, what you told other people, what you remember happening, what you told yourself in order to move on, and what you have done since then. I know it's something from the past and that it's so pointless, but every cell in my body is screaming that you need to hear this.

Just for a minute, remember me. Remember how I just kinda appeared in your life and changed everything. Remember in what a shit place you were, both of us were? Remember how bleak and empty life was. How you were all messed up and nobody could help you? And then boom it all changed. I watched you transform. You can't deny that happened and that I helped you. I watched you go from someone near death to someone glowing like the sin. I'm sorry I was so blind to it then, but I look back and I see you trying so fucking hard and putting in so much effort, I saw that you were incredibly in love with me. Remember that feeling? Don't you remember how it all felt like it was all meant to be? It all felt like it was all clicking together and it was some big adventure. It wasn't all bad, I'm sorry I ruined most of it and it was overall boring, but remember the times we had fun? Remember triumphing over problems, and growing together? Remember when we would finish a project and it actually went well and we were happy? Remember the real me. Remember that you always had a protector, someone always looking out for you. Someone that finally could handle and understand your bullshit, someone you couldn't scare off. Someone that swept you off your feet and carried you off on an adventure.

Yeah it went really bad and turned out shit and ended. I'm not telling you to forget that. But you stuck through all that for a reason. I tried hard as fuck to get rid of you. Everything that was happening was horrible. But still you stuck around. Because I did something for you, and you were hoping it would turn around. Remember that big dream life we had and trying so hard to make it happen? Remember all the times I held your hand when you were scared, calmed you down from a panic attack, woke you up from a nightmare and soothed you back to sleep? That guy that had a million dreams and always had a cool idea or a cool something to show you. The guy that always brought you a cool rock or specimen from nature? The guy that cried like a baby when the betta fish you picked out died? I know you knew the real me, like I said you knew and loved my soul. Don't you remember how confusing it was for it to all fall apart, what a contradictory experience it turned into, this crazy push and pull of emotions, a collapse we fought so hard to stop?

Don't tell yourself it was all a mistake and a lie. It's not. Don't tell yourself your just a Pupina that had yet another bad relationship with a crazy person. That's not what happened. Forget the story as it stands. You and I were the only ones that know what really took place and what it felt like. I have explored every single memory and feeling and discovered the truth behind all of this and you deserve to know it.

What I'm about to write is complex and crazy. I've been working on figuring it out for 2 years and I've tried multiple times to write it. Just please hear me out. I never would've ever considered even writing you a single paragraph if it were not for the truth I've discovered. What happened happened, I will not change any of the facts of that or explain away a single thing that went down. But what I discovered was supernatural in nature, I found many things that were kept secret and unknown to the both of us, I found deeper meaning behind every meaning, I found all these little clues scattered throughout that led me right to where I am, I found that the things that happened were often illusory in nature and had something greater under the surface. In fact, I discovered that most things were SUPPOSED to seem exactly what they seemed like, but were actually something else. And, most of all, I found that we were supposed to break up, and that a massive wall was put between us, and that we were supposed to think exactly what we think of each other and that that big wall was supposed to be there. Please peek over the fucking wall. Don't let them blind you to this.

I'm sorry you don't get a love letter or an apology. That's in here though. You get a psychedelic psychological spiritual conspiracy theory. That's just who I am. I will address all the facts as well, the normal view of things. I will confess to everything, apologize for all the bad, admit all secrets, unveil the hidden truth, describe my punishment, explain everything, I will do it all. It's all in here. This is something I never thought I would understand, and I understand it now. I never thought I would have anything to say to you, I always had a million things to say after I left but none of them were worth it to say, but this is. Please read it.

So go ahead saddle up your pony. Ride on out of here if you want. If that's what you wanna do I have just one last thing to say. There are no words on this world that can describe how sorry I am for the bad things. There is no book of poetry that could ever describe how I feel about the good things. You owe me nothing and are under no obligation. I owe you everything. Everything I am and everything I've done, the fact that I am even alive, I owe it all to you. You have given me the greatest things that life could ever offer. I love you more than I could ever love anything, I don't care what the future brings, you will always be everything to me and I will love you beyond the day I die. I love you forever and ever. You are the best thing that ever happened to me and as far as I'm concerned you're the most amazing person that ever existed.

People do a lot of shit after a break up. You've told me about your past relationships. You have to have a way to explain it to yourself and a story to tell other people. That's not for me. I want the truth. I've been in a relationship and a breakup before, and I didn't have a books worth of shit to say about it, I told myself a story but all in all it wasn't hard to understand. With you? The most complicated thing I've ever experienced. In fact I could keep going but I must write this then stop.

I did one thing. I followed my heart. I needed answers and I wanted true answers. Looking back and sorting through everything that happened, it leads to something else, and it leads to you. I followed my heart and it leads to you. I ended my fued with God and he is pointing right at you. I remembered the things you taught me, and the good things I felt, and I just followed my heart and accepted my feelings. It was a singular and narrow path and it gave me everything I ever wanted, except you of course. Just that one simple thing I chose to do after you left, to keep loving you, changed everything about me, answered all my questions, and fixed everything that was broken. I know there is nothing I can do to change anything. Every time I write I fail to make it make sense. But what has happened and what is happening is inevitable. The truth is inevitable and you must face it. The past has passed but you must face the real truth. Whatever hate or love you have for me you must face the true me. It won't be by anything I can or will do, but it has to happen.

You can deny it all you want. You can be whoever you want to be. You can tell yourself whatever story you want about us. I know the truth. I know that it was a dark and light spiritual experience and a story of true love. I know it was supposed to happen and it was the most meaningful thing that ever happened to me. I know that I'm not even supposed to know the truth. I know what God has been up to and I know the secrets of this world. On everything I've ever loved, on all the energy I've ever possessed, I put it all into this, and I throw it at your feet. The truth will be shown. I have returned and the circle is complete. Come and see. Be not afraid.

 "And I heard, as it were, the noise of thunder

One of the four beasts saying,

'Come and see.' and I saw, and behold a white horse"

… There's a man goin' 'round takin' names

And he decides who to free and who to blame

Everybody won't be treated all the same

There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down

When the man comes around

… The hairs on your arm will stand up

At the terror in each sip and in each sup

Will you partake of that last offered cup

Or disappear into the potter's ground?

When the man comes around

… Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

One hundred million angels singin'

Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

Voices callin', voices cryin'

Some are born and some are dyin'

It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

The virgins are all trimming their wicks

The whirlwind is in the thorn tree

It's hard for thee to kick against the pricks

… Till armageddon no shalam, no shalom

Then the father hen will call his chickens home

The wise man will bow down before the throne

And at his feet they'll cast their golden crowns

When the man comes around

… Whoever is unjust let him be unjust still

Whoever is righteous let him be righteous still

Whoever is filthy let him be filthy still

Listen to the words long written down

When the man comes around

… Hear the trumpets hear the pipers

One hundred million angels singin'

Multitudes are marchin' to the big kettledrum

Voices callin', voices cryin'

Some are born and some are dyin'

It's alpha and omega's kingdom come

And the whirlwind is in the thorn tree

The virgins are all trimming their wicks

The whirlwind is in the thorn trees

It's hard for thee to kick against the prick

In measured hundredweight and penny pound

When the man comes around

… "And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts

And I looked, and behold a pale horse

And his name that sat on him was death, and hell followed with him"