#Contemporary Fatnasy

[goblin-biscuits]

Journals: Zak

Aug. 10,

So, the quack says I’m being “willfully resistant” during sessions.  Either I cooperate or my lack of participation is “noted”.  I’m sure my parole officer, Larri, would love that so here we are.  Day one of the proposed compromise.  Ain’t never been one for this diary shit but it beats spilling my guts on a couch just so the city can pick apart my psyche.

~My name is Evelyn, not “the quack”, and three sentences does not a journal make.

Aug. 12, I know you’re hoping for all the juicy, sordid details you ain’t getting during our sessions but I got news for you Evelyn.  My life ain’t exciting.  Not only have I been bored out of my mind but adhering to what’s expected of me has been more of a challenge then anticipated.  I thought having a lot of free time on my hands would be a good thing but I ain’t sure what to do with myself.  Drinking was the only thing keeping me sane, but according to Larri, I ain’t supposed to do that.  Which means most of my spare time has been spent just sitting around and crawling out of my skin.  Thank fuck I’m still allowed to smoke or I’d put a bullet between my ears.

Finally got fed up enough to go visit my sister Zinni at the diner.  Thought maybe catching up would help my sanity; It did.  She asked if I’d been keeping out of trouble; I have.  Problem is, keeping out of trouble sort of means times is lean.  Told her I ain’t had a proper meal in a week, and color me surprised, she got me a job washing dishes at her work.  It’s boring as all get out and I don’t feel overly useful, but I like helping her out and I think she likes it too.

~Good for you.

Aug. 14, Raining today.  Couldn’t find enough get up and go to get to the diner.  Still made parole.  Larri’s an asshole.  Wouldn’t stop asking me questions.  Thought about making him leave.  Just want to sleep.

~If you have days like this I’d like to know more about how you’re feeling and what you’re doing to cope?

Aug. 15, Doing better today.  The rain quit but still can’t seem to get moving.  I’m throwing in the towel again.  Called in “sick.”  Naturally my sister saw fit to come by and check on me.  Brought me something to eat from the diner.

The food from work is typical greasy-spoon fair unless baby sis is cooking.  She’s magic in the kitchen.  Don’t know where she got it from since none of us kids cooked.  Either way she’s got a real knack for it.  Says she wants to open up her own joint someday.  Who knows, maybe someday she’ll have enough bread in the bank to do it.  After everything she’s been through, she deserves her happiness.  Zinni’s a good kid.

She brought me a dime novel too.  She made a big fuss and apologized for not being able to find something more to my taste.  Made me feel bad, so of course I said it was fine.  Now I got to read the damn thing.

Anyway, it don’t live well to make her worry so I’ll go in to work tomorrow.  Even if washing dishes ain’t glamorous it beats staring at the back of my eyelids.

Aug. 16, Finally made it in to town today.  Thankfully baby sis smoothed things over for me with the boss.  I take back what I said about this gig.  I’m finding ways to enjoy the work and I’m gonna ask Zinni if she’ll train me to cook.  I could get used to this.  I know what to expect on the daily and I like the stability.  What’s more, my brothers came by during lunch.  I ain’t seen them in a dogs age so it was good catching up.

The book sis got me’s called “The Jewel of Kirk Castle” and it turns out the title is some kind of double entendre.  The “jewel” is a literal gem but it also refers to the heroin of the story.  It’s the sort of cheesy trash school girls and lonely housewives read, but you know what?  It ain’t half bad.  I’m already halfway through and I got a good feeling about the ending.

~I’ve read that book.  It’s good but the sequel “Thunder in the Valley” is better.

Aug. 18, Gave my ex Kynzie a ring today and she ain't hung up on me this time.  Guess she was feeling a bit charitable since she let me talk to the kid.  Get this, the kid said she ain’t sleeping since there’s “unrest in the kingdom.”  Asked her what she meant and I guess her toys are throwing some kind of coup?  Said her newest tax proposal didn’t go over well which means the “Empress” is having a hell of a time squashing the rebellion.  She also told me not to worry since she’s put the worst offenders in the dungeon.

Is that normal?  I figured if anyone knew it’d be you.  Maybe I weren’t as imaginative as a kid, but my games was just the typical lawmen and bandits scenario.

~I’m aware you think you can deflect my attention elsewhere but I assure you my focus is wholly on you.  That said, I find the revelation that you have any progeny at all a bit of a surprise.  Why haven’t you mentioned her?

Aug. 19, Yes, Evelyn, I got a kid.  Why’s everyone got such a hard time wrapping their head round that?  I don’t know why I ain’t mentioned her afore.  It just didn’t seem all that poignant.  Besides that it’s kind of, well, personal.

My relationship with her Ma is sort of a sore point.  Kynzie thinks I’m bad news and she never misses an opportunity to tell me.  Okay, I admit I’ve been a headache but I never set out to cause such a fuss.  I know I ain’t made the best life choices but who does?  Life just sort of does what it wants to.  I didn’t know things was going to get so messed up.

All I was trying to do was take care of myself.  After Pop took off we had a lot of debt looming over our heads.  That and I had three younger siblings to worry about.  The guys Pop owed came knocking and told me I could work it off.  I figured that didn’t sound like too bad an offer.  That’s how it started anyway.  It was just supposed to be a one and done sort of deal, but, well, those sorts of things ain’t never “one and done," are they?  You start with small jobs like loading cargo.  Then you’re up late guarding said cargo with a bunch of armed guys.  Then it’s running and fencing the cargo.  Next thing you know you're hunting folks down and shaking them up when they try to pull a fast one.  Just pay for the goods!  It ain’t hard!

Anyway, it ain’t never enough for those types.  With Ma dead and Pop gone, I sacrificed everything just to keep food on the table.  Before I knew it, I was grown and the only thing I knew how to do was, well, what I’d already been doing.  How do you go from that to a normal job?  It ain’t easy.  I just wish Kynzie could see what I was trying to do for her; for us.

~I’m being paid to get “personal” Zak.  I thought you were joking when you said you didn’t want to talk about your “Daddy Issues”.  We’re discussing this on Tuesday.

Aug. 20, I finished the book and I’m so fucking pissed!  Clara finally escapes Kirk Castle and rides off into the sunset, wild and free.  That’s great and all, but the stablehand she was into bites the dust.  To top it off that Lord Blackwall guy don’t ever get his comeuppance.   Don’t get me wrong, the story was good, but I’m going to need some time to get over the whole Blackwall thing.  Please tell me he ain’t above snakes in the sequel?

Life’s hard enough as it is.  Real people don’t get off easy.  Not like they do in books.  If the characters can’t have a happy-ending, what’s the point?

~Is escapism something you think of often?  Let’s talk about this at our next meeting.

Aug. 27, Can’t stay.  Some guys I used to know from way back came poking round the diner.  Caused a big mess.  Zinni’s okay but Larri ain’t going to believe my side of things.

These past few weeks were like a dream, but in the end that’s all they were. [I’m doing a lot more writing lately.  This is nothing special, but I’m trying to do character journals as an excuse to get inside the heads of my characters and flesh them out a bit.  I’m definitely going to do more.  Zak isn’t really the sort who would talk about himself much or keep a diary so I thought the concept of a back and forth journal between himself and a psychiatrist was a good option to force him into being introspective.]