#DO I NEED TO SCHEDULE A VISIT TO THE PSYCHIATRIST!!!!!!! GONNA MARCH RIGHT BACK INTO DEPRESSION

[ukitakejuushiro]

UKITAKE AND KYORAKU MY BELOVED

[epajournal]

March 9th, 2017

10:36 p.m.   Sitting here on the couch after waking up at a horrifically late time today. So far, my stomach’s been better, at least. I went to bed fairly late last night... I’m not even entirely sure why, honestly. But I did. I stayed up with Tom and Edo too late on PChat, but at least I drew. And got drawing done before then, too. I think going to the coffee shop recharged me a little bit, so I may go again tomorrow.   Tomorrow’s my first day of having therapy on Friday, which is interesting. And we’ve decided as a family to skip Dunsmuir and the houseboat this year to go to Hawaii for a week and a half, which I’m honestly very into the idea of. I’m so ready to have a vacation that’s not near here, that isn’t with family I don’t like much and feel I have to put on a facade with, to go swimming in water that’s aaaalways super warm and enjoyable...   Though now it comes down to: Money. I don’t know how I fucked up so much. I had $50,000. So, okay. The first $15,000 came and went in the form of dumb-ass spending, the LA trip, catching up on bills, and a lot of vet stuff, if I recall correctly. But the remainder... So I paid off all my debt aside from the Care Credit stuff which I still haven’t contacted the vet’s office about. That was a pretty serious chunk, I think close to $8,000-$10,000. Then I paid off the remainder of my car, $3,500-$4,000.The rest is a little bit of a mystery to me, in that I can’t see how I managed to piss away so much money without thinking. I mean, it’s been a few thousand dollars so far in rent, yes. I think there were a couple of hundred on doctors’ bills... I bought some new clothes (necessary!), I bought my mom a few things-- and OH... The bed, I split Mom’s gift of a Sleep Number bed for Christmas with Ian, which was a good chunk. But the rest has been on rampant Amazon purchases, wasteful grocery trips, and convenience foods and food delivery. I think it’s time for me to open a spending spreadsheet. Today, I did buy too much... My dumbest thing was getting a commission of Casey (which wasn’t much), and then going on Amazon... Of course I really did need a new pack of contact lens cases (Oh, that was another purchase! A year of lenses!) and a new laundry hamper since Mom’s taken mine to use.... But then I got things for organizing the shower for my stuff, some new hairbrushes, a caddy for my things when I bring them upstairs fully... But. Augh. I would like to go to AnimeExpo this year, I’d like to go to Fanime. I’d like to go to Hawaii. The latter is the most crucial. The middle is very important to me. But I’m scared to even check my balance right now.... My mom owes me close to $500+ right now, my brother probably owes me fifty... I have a check from tax refunds worth nearly $300... But the issue is that I also have to pay registration in May that’s $200, $600 worth of doctor’s visits, and $250 on my car’s way-past-due fluid change.   But the positive is that overall, my monthly cost of living is very low. It’s $450 for rent, which is about as cheap as I could ask for in the area. Food is dependent on how well I budget myself. I barely drive, so gas is honestly negligible, and I get decent enough mileage. I don’t pay for my phone or car insurance, and my health insurance is about $15/month. I do have, overall, roughly $70 of monthly services like Spotify, Netflix, YouTube Red (which people scoff at me having, but let me tell you: it’s worth it)... So, actually, I guess much less than that... Additionally, I plan on joining Planet Fitness this weekend, but they’re cheap. Like $10/month cheap, aside from a $40 annual fee in May.   So, I’ve gotta’ get income going. I’m dreading going back to doing commissions, but not nearly as much as I dread the idea of a regular job, ugh. At a regular job, I wouldn’t need to make much, so I wouldn’t have to work much. But I cannot stand the stress of it right now. There’s so much I need to do as it is, and while I know that there would be a lot of structure I could use in having the regularity and social reinforcement of working... The dread associated with clock-watching anxiety and learning a new gig is very upsetting to think about.   But, first and foremost, I’ve got to sit down and face the fucking music when it comes to my financial status. I have enough time that I can fix anything that it’s at right now -- I mean, making $500 a month would be great, that’d last me a while, I think, but making $1,000/month would probably cover me entirely the whole month. I’d probably be banking a couple of hundred as long as I was being conservative.....   So, I think it’s about time I figure out what I’m doing. The more that I think about it, a job sounds preferable. But it has to fit in with my therapy schedule now, too. But, doing adoptions and YCH commissions wouldn’t be bad, either. I can charge a lot for those and the stress of finding a pose or whatnot would be minimized. If I could make a species people liked enough, I’d basically be able to just make multiples of the same character with enough modifications that they’re their own person at that point. So.   I’m getting anxious thinking about this. I like how my response to all of this is embarrassment, and that I can’t help being like, “Ah, it’ll be fine, money’ll show up, I just have to wait it out.” But until my dad passes on, that’s not gonna’ happen. Not like when my mom dies that I’ll be getting anything but debt and obligation, “lol”. And I really don’t want to wait on someone to die to get money, right. I really don’t want to be scraping as I wait. I’ve thought about applying for disability-- I know when push comes to shove that I can work, but the intensity of anxiety attached to it is so severe... But I’d rather not use that unless I really need it. Food stamps, though. That’s not a bad plan. That’d cover a huge amount of my expenses. So, we’ll see.   My medication isn’t going great. I mean, I’m not constantly thinking I’m going to die, but my sexual dysfunction and motivation are saaaaapped. Plus, the increase in tinnitus, the weight gain (if that’s attributed to anything other than the lack of motivation which includes me eating poorly), the headaches, the intestinal stuff... I feel like 20 mg was way more effective than 40 mg. But then again, maybe I’ve also gone past the placebo effect or the initial bubble. But I need to keep riding it out. I mean, I have to get another psychiatrist set up as soon as possible to work on this, yes, but I need to also do what I can now to get shit rolling. Augh.