#Denise Rewatches Gilmore Girls

[saltygilmores]

“It's clear that Milo and Alexis have formed a tight bond. When I congratulated him on his steamy season-ender kiss, he smiled bashfully and said: "Tell Alexis. It was all her. I was nervous. We're in this huge beautiful mansion out in the country, and everybody stopped what they were doing and walked over to watch the scene. And I was like, 'Okay, this is pressure.' We did it over and over, and people were still there. We did each angle a million times. It was a full makeout session the whole day."

-Milo Ventimiglia, before media training got its claws into him

[sincerelyyycece]

about me

cece | 𝐚𝐠𝐞: 17 | 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬: she/her | 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲: march 6th | sexuality: bisexual | 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞: acts of service—physical touch

𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐬—

𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 𝐚 . . . pisces ; intp ; ravenclaw ; a multi-fandom enthusiast; a writer ; a reader ; a senior in high school ; a hopeless romantic in the philippines

𝐈 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐨 . . . read, write fanfiction, take aesthetic photos, scroll on pinterest, eat, have deep conversations that make people feel, watch people experience life, celebrate with others, spend time with family and friends, travel, occasionally get myself dolled up, learn different languages, rewatch/reread my favorite movies/books, journal, be delusional, flirt on character ai, make things pretty/aesthetic, have silly little crushes. .

𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 . . . being a bad friend, letting my friends and family down, the feeling of failure, breaking/broken promises, liars, people who waste my time, people who are mean to animals, inconsiderate people, people who are mean to my friends or family, having allergies, toxic positivity, having social anxiety, having a stuffy nose, humid weather, being sleep-deprived, stress, being sick, taking/people who take jokes too far. . .

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐈 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 . . . rain, sunsets/sunrise, desserts, amusement parks, photography, animals (dogs), leather jackets, vintage cars, porsche, beaches, travelling, late nights, headphones, airpods, anything pretty/aesthetic, books, fireworks, flowers (baby's breath, roses, tulips, hibiscus), candles, tea, matcha, coffee, music, summer, dressing up, birthdays, the colors baby pink, navy blue, sage green, cherry red, rereading my old journal entries or rereading my old stories. . .

𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐬—

𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐬: little women ; mean girls ; la la land ; princess diaries ; pitch perfect ; suicide squad ; the first daughter; 50 first dates ; conjuring series ; harry potter series ; percy jackson series ; hamilton ; pitch perfect ; book of life ; barbie ; five feet apart ; flipped ; the half of it ; to all the boys i've loved before

𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐬: stranger things ; anne with an e ; gilmore girls ; the umbrella academy ; bridgerton ; elite ; 13 reasons why ; one day ; emily in paris ; shadow and bone ; never have i ever ; sweet tooth ; gossip girls ; riverdale ; hidden love ; you ; marry my husband ; when i fly towards you ; twenty five twenty one ; business proposal ; heartstopper

𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬: shatter me ; harry potter ; the summer i turned pretty ; ali hazelwood’s books ; twilight ; little women ; spanish love deception ; american roommate experiment; the hating game ; the kiss quotient

𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐬: taylor swift ; abba ; conan gray ; olivia rodrigo ; lana del ray ; ariana grande ; denise julia ; bts ; blackpink ; new jeans ; sabrina carpenter ; laufey ; niki ; renee rapp ; daniel caesar ; gracie abrams ; phoebe bridgers ; faye webster ; sza ; djo ; bruno mars ; kali uchis ; arctic monkeys ; lady gaga ; cup of joe ; lola amour

thank you for reading my little post all about me <3

[saltygilmores]

DANCE MARATHON EPISODE (AKA MURDER ON THE DANCE FLOOR)-PART 5

After a quick blowjob break out in the soon-to-be-bloodspattered Stars Hollow High football field, a certain homocidal maniac in a puke green church donation bin coat has returned, and he's ready to dish out some sass. Shane is not in tow yet, but we need to give her time to freshen up and make herself presentable for the remaining few hours of her life.

Lane's pointless bitterness towards Jess is such a fucking waste. My "Lane hates Jess for stupid reasons when they could have been pals" rant has been reheated in the metaphorical microwave too many times already, so I won't repeat myself, but yeah. It's still about that fucking car accident.

Getting your dick sucked on the high school football field before committing a gruesome homocide can really work up a boy's appetite.

Baby you're such a good noticer. *kisses forehead*

I can't think of anyone more deserving of a rock hard permanent public erection. Wait And now, for what is possibly my favorite five-word exchange in the entire series:

The most perfectly executed dry delivery. Ugh! Sheer perfection!

Well, at least egg salad sandwiches beat the Crack and Despair Sandwiches Liz used to pack in his lunchbox.

Miss "My Virginity Spared Me From Becoming Football Field Fertilizer" has arrived with Also-Not-Dancing Butthead in tow. If the food is for the dancers, I better not see him eat anything. I will smack that sandwich out of his hand so fast so help me god (virgins always survive the killing spree).

You ever think about what a monstrous hell it must be for Jess living in a place like Stars Hollow? I think about this a lot. But I like to think that off screen he gets in his car and gets the fuck out of there as much as possible. Anyway, this is another perfectly dry one liner that I absolutely love. I want to fil out adoption papers and take all of his sarcastic one liners from this episode home from the shelter. R: You have nothing better to do than sit in a gymnasum staring at a dance marathon? J:Idk, do you have nothing better to do than sit inside a gymnasium staring at a dance marathon? R:Do you think you're bugging me sitting in front of me and staring like that? J: Do you think you're bugging me dancing and staring at me like that? R: I'm not staring at you! J:How do you know I'm staring at you?

Dean: It's been two years. Maybe you can glance at my dick for once, Rory. Has Rory ever said anything supportive of Dean that wasn't said with the same conviction as if she were a bank robbery hostage? Deany has that constipated look on his face again. Is he sad because no one was staring at him? But someone was. I'll give you a hint, it's a certain MILF who wants to turn that 34 into a 69. Lorelai is 34 years old in this episode, by the way. He's proudly displaying his love of young milfs on his literal sleeve. Listen, you could power Stars Hollow with the combined sexual frustration of these three people + Lane and Dave Ryglaski to make it extra nuclear. When nobody puts out, you get three teenagers eating egg salad and having an "I'm not staring at you!" argument in a school gymansium at 10pm.

Ooooh. Jess is shakin in his little murder boots. J: I'm supporting my town. R: Go back to New York. Oh Rory babe, if only he could, he'd be home now with a smile on his face with a pushcart hot dog in one hand while some easy alt chick rode his dick. Well, yeah he's got that now but he's going to feed her to the swans then take an 8 month vow of celibacy for some reason.

Got em.

He's so LAME. Jared: Hey AmyShermanPalladino, can't Dean get any fun comebacks for once? Why does Milo get all the good sass? AmyShermanPalladino: You can pick from the reject pile. We've got "my former comment still stands" "Are you trying to act tough, you're wearing a tie" and "You're the one who's going"

She's so horny. God help her.

Shane Campbell stars in the newest WB Network vehicle, "My Favorite Murder Victim." He keeps picking at that sandwich like he's going to find a $100 bill in the bread.

You want this poor girl to spend the last precious hours of her life doing math problems?

I guess egg salad will wash the taste of dick out of her mouth.

We heard you the first time, Ice Vagina. What is Dean even doing here, lol.

There's something incredibly erotic about this line.

Dean is like, what the hell is going on? Why is she touching me?

*immediately pushes her off*

Don't give him any more ideas, Jess.

I just want to point out that on the table behind them, fresh fruit and brownies are available for consumption. You know you guys don't have to eat those sandwiches.

Code for "I'm gonna go find the murder implement I stowed away in the bushes earlier"

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls-3x8: Let The Games Begin, aka Let The ShitCircus Begin (Part 3)

Luke Danes! Lorelai Gilmore! They are: The Abstinence (For Other People But Not Themselves) Brigade! They can detect bubbling teenage hormones from a mile away and will do anything in their power to stop them! Jess Mariano, with his awe inspiring ability to telepathically impregnate naive virgins in 1 nanosecond without removing any clothes, doesn't stand a chance! Thank god we have you, Luke Danes and Lorelai Gilmore! The Cockblocking Crusaders! The Dry Hump Destroyers! Scene: Our Handjob-Halting Hero, Luke Danes, has just interrupted an extremely chaste attempt at a kiss in progress. After witnessing his nephew openly groping Shane Campbell and likely several other girls in public and in his diner and his home over Horny Summer 2002, interrupting a kiss with Rory Gilmore with no tongue is just ONE STEP OVER THE DAMN LINE for Blowjob-Blocking-Batman!

I dare say, that was a stupid metaphor from our Intercrouse-Interrupting-Ironman.

There are frequent Sock on the Door references in this show. The thing is you hang a sock on the door to let other people know you're having sex and they won't barge in. Too bad Sex-Stifling-Superman here wouldn't abide by The Sock anyhow. Netflix borked the captions big time here, but there is a loud argument between Luke and Jess about the sock joke, with Luke yelling at Jess that there will be "no socks on the door in my house" and I'm just thinking how weird this conversation would sound if you didn't know wtf they were talking about. Luke, less than 5 minutes earlier (and I quote): Wow! WOW! This is great! Wow! Rory and Jess! Jess and Rory! This is great! Don’t you think this is great! They're only great if they reproduce asexually like snails, I suppose. When he thought Jess was doing much worse things with Shane in his own home, his response was certainly not a pleased one, but it was... different. So it's okay if he hooks up with a skanky blond girl he barely knows, because who cares if he takes a ride on the town bicycle, right? But when it comes to Rory, her purity must be protected at all costs by other adults. Ha, funny how that worked out. I know Luke doesn't think JESS is still a virgin.

He looks so defeated, and he WASNT EVEN DOING ANYTHING. Please don't make me turn on Luke, Tumblr. I already have so little left to live for watching this show.

But that's where they were the first time, Uncle Luke.

THANK. YOU. JESSTOPHER. You're so smart. *pinches cheeks*

The more I'm thinking about this notion that Luke is trying to protect Rory's virginity from Jess, where Rory is a newly minted adult and not even his relative, she's just the daughter of some annoying lady who comes into his diner and doesn't pay for her food, but "Jess doesn't need a guardian" if he'd like to fuck around with random girls of questionable purity, becaue he's a boy I guess, the weirder it sounds. This is just another fiber woven into the rich tapestry of "the young women of gilmore girls who lose their virginity will pay the price with a horrible experience or mental anguish" (Young Lorelai, Rory, Paris, Lane, possibly even Lindsay, god help her).

(girls only). Jess: What do you think is gonna happen? Luke: You KNOW what I think is gonna happen.

You know what, how about he doesn't and we say he did. Awkward.

If she’s not too distracted porking Dean to notice, as soon she found out Dean was a free agent she was all over that like a fat kid on cake.

I saw what Jess got away with at the summer bash. I wouldn't exactly count on Taylor Doose for his Makeout Meddling abilities.

Luke looking all smug like "yeah that was great parenting right there. Damn, I’m such a good Dunkel (DadUncle). He’ll never think about humping again.” Good luck.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 2, Episode 21- Lorelai’s Graduation Day, Aka Lovesick Stepcousins In The Big City, Part 3

I'm cheering Rory on as she leaves school grounds, leaving these 35 year old classmates in the dust, and as she manages to pull it off under the eyes of two teachers or administrators. Yes yes yes! Well from here on out it's going to be pure Literati appreciation with only minimal anger and rage, you know, my usual shtick. That being said, when that happens I start to sound a little disjointed, like, this episode is so pure and precious and enjoyable that I really don't have much snarky commentary on it and I can just watch it. What am I without my snark powers?

Destiny awaits. In one of many examples of what I call "Gilmore Girls Poor"*, which is a term I coined myself for how AmyShermanPalladino views lower/middle class/urban/city life, Rory manages to end up in the Port Authority Bus Terminal in another dimension. The Alternate Dimension, 100% white, Spotlessly Clean, Nearly People-Free New York City Bus Terminal where she stared down a scary dude without being stabbed and she was offered a locker to store her book bag. (*More examples of GGP: In season 4, Jess is 19 years old, a high school dropout, and is living in a clean, rat and roach free, enormous New York City apartment with working utiltiies and large windows that in today's housing crisis people would murder him to get, he just needed a bed frame and to pick his shit up off the floor but we are supposed to believe its a crack den; Rory and Lorelai live in a beautiful home and eat take out and restaurant food every day on nothing more than an innkeeper's slary)

This was cute. Rory the little mouse getting ignored by city folk. I love it so much.

I think AmyShermanPalladino inserted this smoking guy to make it look like Rory was in a rough part of town. Someone finally gives our little mouse an abrupt answer on how to get to Washington Square Park where she can meet her stepcousin and her destiny.

The little smirk before he turns around! And then, and then...and then...the big grin when he sees her!

I am STARVING for stepcousins!!!!!! ..And the Emmy Award for the whitest words ever spoken on teleivison goes to Alexis Bledel, as Rory Gilmore in Gilmore Girls:

Baring his naked forearms like a saucy strumpet. Book sticking awkwardly out of his back pocket. He either finds the smallest books or has the roomiest ass pockets that he keeps pulling that off. How does he do that?

This is all so precious and pure I could die.

He is RAPT with attention listening to her silly stories. Show me where Dean or Logan ever paid this much attention to her telling one of these stories.

We know, Bubs. We know :(

Red alert! Red alert! Our first display of physical contact!

Jess says he eats from this hot dog cart every day. Let's unpack this: 1) Holy child neglect, Batman! I mean, Liz Danes. You can't even make your kid a peanut butter and jelly sandwich once in a while? This boy is feral. These are survival hot dogs. This may be all he can afford to eat on his own. 2) How are you still as skinny as a rail? 3) How's your blood pressure? 4) Where are you getting the money?

This sweet bubba unquestionably paid for Rory's lunch like a true gentleman.

I refuse to acknolwedge any sort of Behind the Scenes Hollywood mumbo jumbo like "Milo wasn't ACTUALLY eating the hot dog" or “umm, it’s a prop hot dog”. i am firmly committed to a scenario where everyone on the set for this episode was like "Milo our precious vegetarian baby boy we will get you a tofu hot dog to eat"

Ending this chapter with this adorable face.

[saltygilmores]

THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS: S3/EP5/8 O CLOCK AT THE OASIS (PART 3) Aka SweaterPaws, Fake Fish, The Best Okuh Ever, And Jess Mariano Is A Waterlogged Infant Kitten

Parts 1 & 2 and all other episodes can be found in my pinned post.

This scene of Rory overhearing an answering maching message from Dwight's irate wife combines two of AmyShermanPalladino favorite things: answering machines and (the voice of) Alex Borstein (Celine & Drella on GG, Suzie on Mrs Maisel. Also Lois on Family Guy). Gilmore Girls Producer: Attention, Gilmore Girls crew! It has come to my attention that our budget will not cover both Outdoor Landscaping Scenes and Fishtanks. Sacrifices will have to be made.

Finally she admits to herself that Dean is a serial killer. And casual swearing from Rory? Wow, what a delight to hear.

!!!SWEATER PAWS ALERT!!!!

What do the kids say? Unbothered. Moisturized. Flourishing? In my lane? Something like that. It's clearly a school day (since Rory is in her uniform) while it appears to be a rare day where Jess hasn't been scheduled to work in the Coffee Mines before school. Speaking of school, he's walking away from school instead of towards it and is not carrying any school supplies or a backpack. He looks happy. Just vibing in his ugly oversized clothing. Hopefully he looks up every so often so he doesn't walk face first into a lamp post.

Or that.

Blue Crush was a 2002 movie about a girl who surfs starring Kate Bosworth. Get it? Cause Rory is covered in water?

Hey. Eyes up top, Pal.

The floofy hair. The prominent draggy lip. The five o'clock shadow. Salty enjoys naming things she can see.

How many of Jess' books have been ruined with water? 2 so far. The answer is 2.

And now...ladies and Gentlemen...I present the greatest Milo Okuh Ever Okuh'D:

Get you a man who will risk soaking himself and pretend he didn't assist you with turning off a sprinkler so your boyfriend Dean won't fly into a jealous rage over it. It brings a tear to ol Salty’s eye. The episode wraps up with Lorelai attempting to end the Peyton Sanders nonsense by apologizing to Emily and taking the blame for the entire incident. Silly Lorelai, she didn't consider "What would Emily Gilmore think?" first and foremost before agreeing to go on one date with a random guy. I mean, Lorelai declining a second date with Peyton could have caused Emily to lose rank in her Tea Party Circle with Peyton's mother or some nonsense like that, according to a ridiculous story Richard just told Lorelai earlier in the episode. Let me be clear here, in case the message got a little lost- I am 100% siding with Lorelai here. She should not have to grovel like this over something so meaningless.

HOGWASH. Stop this right now Lorelai. Emily is standing just a few feet away and you're in a kitchen filled with many sharp knives and cooking implements. I'll look the other way. She even agrees to go on a second date with Peyton just to pacify Emily even though she just made it painfully clear how miserable it would make her to see this dude again. Emily is quite pleased seeing Lorelai's state of misery. Well, like I said earlier, you do only have a very small window of time before David Bowie stops performing forever, so go for it I guess. Take the tickets, then drop Hamm. Drop him like Rory dropped out of Yale. I have a final comment: Although by the end of this episode we don't see Rory at school, one would have to presume that after the sprinkler incident she either had to get on the bus and go to school sopping wet or go home and change and blowdry her hair and risk being very late to class. Either she gets reprimanded for showing up to school late or she gets reprimanded for the wet uniform and hair so she's screwed no matter what. If he didn't take an ounce of pity on Rory for her Hit By A Deer story, do you think Headmaster Charleston would buy some fantastical tale from Rory about her tardiness being due to a sprinkler, sweater paws, a neighbor with a board game fetish, and Dean the unabomber?

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 3, Episode 8, Part 4: "Let The Games Begin", the part where Lorelai says that if Jess was trapped inside her burning house she would save her shoes first

Lorelai Gilmore, you are no Jack Pearson. I won't complete that thought, even though I'm feeling nice and mean and I totally should.

Scene: Lorelai and Rory are discussing the upcoming road trip to New Haven with the Gilmore Grands. Rory forgot to pack. Lorelai goes into panic mode. Rory questions why she needs to pack her entire closet for a short road trip. Lorelai recounts a family vacation story from her childhood that would be best unpacked in a lengthy therapy session, frets that her mother will lecture them for under-packing, starts rummaging through Rory's dresser. Rory catches Lorelai making a double entendre about a meaty taco and declares it was dirty. The show makes another dig at New Haven after Lorelai brings home a pamphlet about Exciting Things to Do In New Haven but it's only a few pages long.

You sound surprised, as if ya'll aren't wearing heavy coats and long sleeves in the spring and summer. I swear there's something in the drinking water affecting everyone's thyroids in this town, they can't regulate their body temperatures.

Could anyone tell I'm stalling here? Classic Salty.

Rory: Mom, stop rummaging through my shit. Awwwe. Even Evil Villains like Lorelai Gilmore get the blues. I'm surprised she decided to go on this road trip to Yale instead of sending Rory off alone with the Grands, that way she'd have the house and Dean Forrester to herself the entire day. Since Dean's sexual stamina only extends to 1-2 minutes, they could have had sex hundreds of times in a day.

Two quips that sprang to mind (couldn't decided which one was better): The only words Lorelai is thinking about right now are "Dean" and "Shower". Lorelai thinks Jess removed Rory's bracelet while they're in the shower together? Jess could only hope.

Excuse me for a moment... *deep inhale*

I went into the Tumblr gifs library and looked up "peaceful". Here is a nice, presumably not-evil, Peaceful Bunny.

So not only does Jess commit attempted vehicular homicide, and steal Quarters on a String, he steals said QOAS by forcibly ripping them directly off the wrists of poor unsuspsecting delicate young ladies.

Nice try. You think you're so slick, but you're not, Slick Gilly.

You all don't understand the effort it takes for me to break down a scene like this without taking the cowards way out and simply rage quitting (which I have done before). I have to come up with multiple lines of witty, cutting commentary about what is unfolding before me, when all I want to do is KEYBORD SMASH. SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL!! ITS A FREE COUNTRY ISNT IT! BALD EAGLE BASEBALL APPLE PIE! (Deep inhale) sagfshafgahfgasvxzcywtryqwuhajlkansjbkfagsfyafvabsfvsdgr2347527q2y4q#&$T%#^%^#*U@(%)&@tGSHFBSHFSVAGFSFS FUCKYOULORELAIGILMORE#^&#^%&#^WGHFSHGAS@$%@^@

Thank for reminding the audience the reason why Lorelai thinks Jess should, ya know, die painfully and slowly. He was mouthy once. (the Netflix captions borked the line; Rory also said "and wrecked my car", but as if that makes Lorelai's treatment of Future Nephew any more justifable).

I am told that in a later season, Lorelai bemoans the fact that unlike Dean, Jess never offered to change her water bottle for her. NOW WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? YOU'RE ABOUT TO WISH HIM A FIREY DEATH. AND WHEN HE WAS (FORCIBLY) APPOINTED TO CLEAN YOUR GUTTERS YOU DIDN'T WANT HIS HELP..

Lorelai practically moans this, lol. We know "Change the water bottle" can mean two very different things. You ain't so slick, Slick Gilly.

Welcome to Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation Theater! See, here's the thing Slick Gilly, I watched an entire frigging episode about you accusing Jess of being a thief, it was called Lost and Found and it took me four frigging centuries to finish, I'm quite sure I have concrete evidence that you have accused him of stealing things. I am Jess Mariano's defense attorney and I will see you in court. Bring Rory too, she should also start getting used to what a court room looks like.

Rory, honey. Sweetie. Sugar bear. It's best you don't wish for a crystal ball. Just strap in to the rollercoaster that is dating Jess Mariano while living with your mother, and pray.

See, here's the thing Slick Gilly, I watched an entire frigging episode about you not letting Jess enter your house, it was called Swan Song and it will take me four frigging centuries to rewatch it.

This "Jess talks in grunts" shtick is getting old and moldy.

So not only does Jess commit attempted vehicular homicide, steal Quarters on a String, and steal said QOAS by forcibly ripipng them directly off the wrists of poor unsuspsecting delicate young ladies, but he's also an arsonist, and not only is he an arsonist, he's such a bad one that he'll apparently be killed by his handiwork? (he also can't be trusted to clean gutters). He was probably trying to off himself instead of live in Stars Hollow for another minute. Can we recall another time Rory tried to play this same grim hypothetical with her mom? Does Rory, like Jess, also have some kind of firey death wish? I mean, who can blame either of them. *twinkly flashback music to early season 2*

I notice Pigtails didn't say "my daughter" this time, either. Sorry Rory. Maybe try playing a third time until she answers with "Some form of human life." Lorelai lies to Rory's face that she "promised you before and am promising you again that I will cut "this kid" some slack." Alright, I ran through my 30 screen shots, let's stuff this scene in a sack and throw it into the lake with Shane and her swan family.

Rory: "You're just waiting for the day I break up with Jess." Lorelai The Villain: "Did I like Dean? Yes. Did I worry less when you were with dean? Yes! I never expected you to be with Dean forever. I don't expect you to be with Jess forever." What a pile of rancid baloney. Maybe he won't be with Rory forever, but 13 years later Jess becomes her nephew and will be a part of her family forever and I will never, ever, ever stop loving that. What JUSTICE.

When I hit my lowest of low valleys listening to this wretched woman spew her many lies and Gilly-Nonsense, It's often the only thing that makes me smile.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls: 3x8 Let The Games Begin (Aka Let The ShitCircus Begin) (Send In The Clowns) (Send Help) (Part 1)

You can read my thoughts on all previous episodes in my Pinned Post. Ladies and Gentlemens, do you know what time it is? it is officially Literati Kickoff Time.

To get everyone up to speed, in the last episode, Rory recieved a Public Dumping for the Ages, Dean has stepped down as Rory's Primary Male Life Ruiner and handed that crown to Jess, Shane has been eviscerated into a bloody pulp, Lorelai and Luke both missed the showdown at the DM and so Lorelai learned about this tea off-screen sometime between the last episode and this one. It's yet unclear whether Lorelai learned what happened through second hand gossip or if Rory dusted off her Season 1 Balls of Steel and had the courage to inform her mother that Dean was out and Jess was in. Episode Opener: we see Rory and Lorelai walking through town shortly after the dance marathon, complaining about their sleep deprivation and achy feet. ("At least you bitches still have your feet," says Shane's dismembered ghost, looking down at her new webbed swan feet).

What is this shirt? It looks like an octopus ejaculated on this shirt.

Hey baby hey baby hey! J: Hi R:Hey J:Hi Lor: Hi (Who told you you could speak? Butt out, bish) Luke: Hi Jess: Hi R: I have to get to school. J: Me too. R:Bye J:Bye. Bye. Lorelai: Bye (bish, I swear...) R: Bye Luke: Bye Jess: Disappears

Only THE CUTEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED?! That was so cute, they should be immortalized into a pair of Precious Moments figurines. The little plaque on the figurine would be titled "Idiots In Love." So naturally, a certain Grinch in a lavendar blouse has a problem with this and it only further reassures her that Jess is nothing more than A Sex Criminal (who would never murder anyone).

Yay. Lorelai and I are both crying on the inside over this development, but for vastly different reasons. Anyway, look at her hanging her head! This bish is in mourning! Look at how depressed this bish is! Hahaha! Get SAD, BISH! I WILL LICK YOUR SALTY, SALTY TEARS! Ahem. I haven't seen such a somber delivery since the medical examiner delivered the news to Shane's parents that he had positively identifed her mutilated corpse.

Who will visit my home and sift through my panty drawer now? Luke: What happened? Lorelai, somber as a funeral director: Jess happened. Luke, uncharacteristically giddy with excitement: Wow! WOW! This is great! Wow! Rory and Jess! Jess and Rory! This is great! Don't you think this is great! Honestly Luke and Lorelai reflect both sides of my conflicting feelings about the Literati Shit-Circus. Lor: "I'll tell Dean you said that." I'm sure you will before the next time you gargle his dick. I think it's the next episode where Lorelai tells Dean, "Just because you and Rory broke up doesn't mean we did." #Sick

MOMMY FAIL! Rory is 18. She's a fucking adult so leave her alone. Anyway, what does that mean? I think it's code for "It's about time Rory dated a boy who knows how to remove a bra.' Luke: I know Jess is tough (LOL, yeah, he's a real toughie, just look at that last exchange) but he likes Rory and Rory's a good kid. Her good will rub off on him.

You are so full of baloney. You're a Baloney Superstore. You are the Walmart of Baloney. Oh, this episode contains multitudes. Lorelai is insufferable on not just one but two fronts. Heavens to betsy. This is the episode where she has a shit-fit over Richard taking Rory to interview at Yale. One of the most ridiculous Lorelai tantrums I can ever recall, at least in the earlier seasons. Maybe not as insane as "I'd rather my child and I be homeless than accept a loan from my mother to save my termite infested house" but it's up there in the top 5 for me.

I am so brave. Ar FND, Richard invites Rory to embark on said Road Trip to Yale, which shouldn't be a big deal for a child with any other mother besides Lorelai Gilmore, but this is Rory so she is shaking lke a flu stricken chihuaua at the thought of her mother finding out she would ever deign to visit a school endorsed by her grandparents. She reluctantly accepts, then quietly pees her pants.

God speed, girlypop.

Fun with Product Placement time: Rory went to fetch a soda from the kitchen, and my immediate thought was: "These rich bitches better have name brand Coca Cola in their fridge, and not that odd Hansen's soda that Rory is always drinking", and they do. A real honest to god prominently labeled Coke can. Girlypop here is feeling the heavy weight of possibly displeasing her mother in both her romantic and academic choices. She has a lot on her plate right now. While the car is parked in the Gilmore Grands driveway after FND, girly pop musters up the courage to tell Lorelai "Grandpa wants us to go on a road trip to Yale" which causes Lorelai to huff and immediately exit the car. She begins storming back into the house, intent on demanding that her father explain this unbelievably callous and cruel attempt to brainwash her daughter into considering another school besides Harvvard. Rory stops her at the porch. where a lengthy argument ensues. Rory has to (once again) dig in her heels to defend her position against Lorelai over something so STUPID. I am really sitting here watching Lorelai and Rory go back and forth forever just because (ADULT) Rory wants to visit a college campus at the invitation of her own grandfather. Lorelai even calls Richard a "master manipulator" for this evil plot. You know what Rory, stop asking Lorelai for her input. Since you don't have a car, just hop on a bus to New Haven and just fucking go. After comparing the city of New Haven to leftover sludge at the bottom of a coffee pot, Lorelai decides she's going to accompany Rory on the trip anyway, even though its been made quite clear she does not have to go (just like the Sherry Baby Shower). In both instances, Lorelai's presence will ruin everything. Per @frazzledsoul: "Lorelai is so spoiled here. Imagine being a parent of a teenager and your worst problem is what Ivy League school your kid goes to." Amen. The rest of this episode promises to be a complete shitshow of epic proportions. At least the next episode is "Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving", one of the best.

[saltygilmores]

Dance Marathon Episode (Aka Murder On the Dancefloor)-Part 8. (Still Not Done)

So noble of you to defend her honor moments before you eviscerate her internal organs and splatter them on the football field.

Look, we don't need you speaking on behalf of Womankind, Miss Salty. Shane has done absolutely nothing to hurt Rory. You know what will hurt, though? That axe that's about to slice through Shane's torso.

WE KNOW. We know how much his sitting down has been concerning you. Your anti-sitting-down-position has been well established. A vote for Rory GIlmore means a vote for chair-destroyal. You are the opposite of that Seinfeld episode where George Costanza felt sorry for a security guard who wasn't allowed to sit down on the job and tried to sneak him a chair.

Be more like George, Rory.

Oh Shane. You just made a very fateful decision. Never go with the killer to a second location.

Damn. It turns me on when he talks like that.

Quoth The Butthead, Anymore.

Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of my actions, coming back to...Consequent me.

To her credit, she's tried to break free and impart on her mother and anyone who will listen through a series of coded blinks that she's being held hostage but you and Lorelai keep throwing her back in the ring and thwarting her escape. I love the word thwarting. Thwarting, thwarting, thwarting. Dean: You've been into him since he got into town. I've spent weeks, months actually, trying to convince myself it wasn't true (it's been a year, actually) that everything was fine between us. You're into him and he's into Shane. Who should be listening to this because it's so damn obvious.

Shane: I have no fucking idea who you or that girl in the polka dot dress are.

I love moments of self awareness on Gilmore GIrls. Embrace your idiotness, Dean.

Just thinking about how Dean is this pissed about Rory's behavior but he's still completely unaware (and will never be aware) that she also kissed Jess and cheated on him 😽 But then he cheats on his own wife and then Rory cheats on Logan with Jess and then Rory has an affair with Logan so in the end they all cancel each other out I guess. The only one of our fickle quadrant of bed hoppers who never knowingly cheated on anyone and the only boy Rory never cheated on was Jess. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

*Rubs temples* look...ugh. I don't really condone Dean yelling at Rory in public. Maybe they should have "Gotten a room", as Rory is fond of saying after learning that term for the first time 2 weeks ago. But in light of Rory's shenanigans, I kind of understand. Not only that, but taking into the account that this scene signals his merciful and long anticipated stepping down as Rory's Primary Male Life Ruiner and handing that crown to Jess, I am waving my Dean Card. I'll give him this one. Let her have it. Get it out of your system. Things with Jess are going to be so much simpler! Yes indeedy, Rory Gilmore. You are going to be riding the train to Easy Street now! Every day with Jess Mariano promises nothing but rainbows, sunshine, and puppydogs made of cupcakes. Let the shit show commence. But first, a little light homocide.

By the way, I've blanked on Lorelai's whereabouts while all of this is going down. Lorelai when she returns and finds out Dean will no be longer coming around to "Change her water bottle"

One more post coming up for the bloody finale.

[saltygilmores]

THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS: S3/EP6: TAKE THE DEVILED EGGS Original Air Date: Nov 5, 2002

Links to all previous episodes can be found in my Pinned Post.

Pre Opening Credits Filler: Lorelai and Rory are sorting junk mail . Of course I had to google whether or not "Shreiber's" was ever a real catalog. Google results were inconclusive. Lorelai's Poconos shirt is really cute.

Post opening credits sequence: A town meeting.

Miss Patty and Babette are too good for this world.

I love seeing Luke smile. As the entire room rises to exit, Taylor instructs them not to leave and everyone immediately listens. I will never understand how he has this much power or why Luke dutifully attends every one of thse things.

Stefon from SNL voice: This hot new club, Stars Hollow Town Meeting, has everything. Animal cruelty, blind obedience, women who pick up dates at funerals, politicians dunking on neurodivergent loners, protest supression.

(tac·i·turn /ˈtasəˌtərn/ adjective (of a person) reserved or uncommunicative in speech; saying little.)

Pretty rich for Lorelai to be dunking on loners when the guy she's in love with has no friends and her daughter has one friend.

At least the loner must be intelligent. Evidenced by the fact that he doesn't waste his time in town meetings. But seriously...imagine you're this guy minding his own business just trying to buy some books and enact political change with protest so the mayor-type-guy calls everyone in town together to dunk on how weird and creepy and quiet you are behind your back (see also: Jess, who was also a child. And who also has to endure shitty comments about not being talkative enough).

Is Kirk the only neurodivergent person in Stars Hollow who is allowed to be himself?

With our powers combined, we are our the Neurodivergent And/Or Deeply Misunderstood Outcast Super Squad! Kirk! A guy who talks to mailboxes! A quiet guy who likes books! Another quiet guy who likes books! Town Troubador! Rory!

Look who else is way too smart to waste his time at a town meeting. His precious whacking off time is over, Luke is heading home, and he is outta here.

Now, let's say the Gilmore Girls in-show timeline lines up with the air dates of the episodes (which it tends to do much of the time). "Teach Me Tonight" aired April 30th, 2002. This episode aired on November 5th, 2002. 6 months and 6 days prior to this town meeting. Rory's not-even-broken arm has healed. Lorelai, kindly...get the fuck over it and shut up. Lorelai: when did Jess get a car? Luke: None of your god damn beeswax. Luke had no idea Jess had a car.

I always found it interesting that Jess was raised in the city his whole life, but knew how to drive. Many (but not all) New Yorkers get around on foot or public transportation and many never even learn to drive at all. But there's just no way Liz was a New Yorker who had a car that Jess could borrow, she wasn't helping him practice, she wasn't paying for lessons with an instructor, and before he arrived in The Hollow the only life he knew was getting around on public transport and walking. We come to learn he knows a bit about car repair as well. And he's only 18. Definitely not saying it's implausible or unbelievable that he knows how to drive. Far from it. Just something to ponder. Jess is scrappy. He finds a way. Lorelai has the absolute fucking audacity to tell Luke "You needs to get a handle on Jess" because he wasn't aware of this car purchase. How about you get a handle on your perfect child before she sleeps with her married ex boyfriend and steals a boat huh. How bout them apples.

OMG OMG.

Narrator: Lorelai Gilmore was in fact, not sorry for equating a 6 month old minor car accident that caused a hairline wrist fracture with 1st degree murder, and she would not butt out now or ever again.

[saltygilmores]

I made a Gilmore Girls Season 3 Episodes 8-22 Bingo Card!

Got anything to add? Lemme know. I'm already trying to think of more to fill a second card.

[saltygilmores]

DANCE MARATHON EPISODE-PART 3

So I had seen this Charity Dance Marathon gimmick on an episode of the Golden Girls (an episode which aired in 1987) and I feel as if I’ve seen it on other shows as well. (fun fact I just learned this week: Gilmore Girls and Golden Girls both shared at least one writer). Were these ever real things or is this just a gimmick made up for sitcoms? Are there real people out there shaking their moneymakers til they drop? Who can actually dance for 24 hours with only minimal breaks? It seems incredibly uncomfortable. See also: Charity bachelor auctions (Seen this gimmick on The Golden Girls again, and The Simpsons). Stars Hollow could never auction off a date with a hunky bachelor because Miss Patty keeps all the eligible single men and teenage boys chained up in her basement. I may have to do some research on these phenomenons.

I already can't stop saying Shug and Shuggy and Shugar at random intervals after seeing Land of Bad yesterday, and Babette is not helping, lol. Maybe on a different timeline, she was Shug's Momma (actually...maybe I shouldn't wish that for dear Babette).

I just want to point out the sign in the background reading: "All students riding a school bus home after school must wait in the gym." Who is so far away they're taking a bus to school in Stars Hollow? Stars Hollow is like four feet long. Maybe there are so few teenagers in The Hollow they have to consolidate with other districts and bus in students from other towns, like seat fillers. Those poor kids, deprived of an education like that.

Everything reminds me of Captain John "Sugar/Shug" Sweet. Sookie informs Lorelai that under duress, she reluctantly agreed to her husband's "four in four" plan (four kids in four years, what is she, a dog?) and now she can't back out or have a conversation with him about it so she has no choice but to lay down and accept his sperm, lest she cause any conflict in their newlywed marriage where things are still bright and shiny and they enjoy sniffing each other in the morning, or something like that.

Tell that to Liz Danes.

That's rich and creamy coming from Ms. "I Almost Married Max Medina Without Discussing Where We Were Going to Live".

This is a janky medical operation we've got going on here. Medical examinations being performed next to open containers of food, no gloves being worn by medical personel or kitchen staff, and massage therapists walking around wearing tshirts saying "Masseuse" on them, because it's important to establish who you're getting massaged by. If it doesn't say Masseuse on the shirt, you might end up getting a rubdown from an unsanctioned random weirdo.

Alexis's is sneering like, "I'm here working 14 hours day in the Los Angeles heat in a heavy coat with a bunch of DORKS when I could be home boinking MY NEW BOYFRIEND MILIO VENTIMIGLIA and touching his BIG WANG! But maybe we can sneak in a quickie behind craft services later"

Mrs Kim is the real star of this episode.

Oh hey Mrs. Stanley Appleman.

Kinky.

If you keep drinking all that coffee, you're going to turn into a Coffee. Or probably have back to back heart attacks.

The clock is ticking to Shane's imminent demise. Hopefully her collapse from excessive blood loss won't get in the way of the other dancers, because Jess is going to butcher her behind the school without any witnesses. He is home sharpening his axe. #MurderOnTheDanceFloor #BetterNotKillTheGroove How the hell did they rustle up 156 couples/ 312 people for this thang anyway?

I love Luke in this episode :)

Pretty rich and creamy coming from you, Miss No Car, No Job, No Pet, One Friend, Butthead Boyfriend, Goes Home From College Every Weekend to Visit Mommy. Kirk has a thousand careers, he will eventually have a pet and a girlfriend, and what reason would you need a car in The Hollow? Except to escape it. Kirk easily has the most interesting life in The Hollow, save for Miss Patty, maybe (who has the most interesting past). He seems pretty content with his life. I love that there's a "security" guard back there. I guess he was sleeping on the job when Shane's cries of agony rang out into the cold Connecticut sky.

Says Miss Lonely Pathetic Existence Also Attending The Same Marathon With Lonely Pathetic Mother And Every Other Lonely Pathetic citizen of the entire town.

YAYYYYY.

If Lane doesn't stop causing so much friction in Hep Alien, she might be replaced with this guy. I'm sure he will get paid equally as much drumming for a group of teenagers as he's currently getting paid to drum for a small town twerk-till-you-drop charity event.

Remember when swing music had a brief resurgence in the late 90s? Those were the days, oh some days they were. But since time stands still in The Hollow, they're actually still on the 1930's wave. This is too much fun and so cute and whimsical and joyous and what a wonderful episode it is. Can't even snark too hard about the dancing. Lowering snark cannons.

They're going to go home and have unbelievable amounts of sex.

You know who else is going to go home after the DM and have an unbelievable amount of sex? I'm sorry. You came to The Thing, Dean! You did the bare minimum! You paid your girlfriend and her mother an uninspired compliment! For that Lorelai will stare at you like a hungry dog salivating over the last scrap of meat on a bone.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls-3x8: Let The Games Begin aka Let The ShitCircus Begin Aka Clowntown (Part 2)

@ernestonlysayslovelythings: "Luke saying "Rory will rub off on Jess" seems like a missed opportunity for a joke" Indeed, my friend. He lobbed me a softball and I missed the catch. In all fairness, I was ducking it in hopes that said softball would miss me and bean Lorelai in the forehead. *cracks knuckles* *deep inhale*

Rory and Jess have just signed an 8 month No Rubbing Off contract. Rory is saving all Rubbing Off until marriage. Not her marriage, just a marriage (okay, fine,I plagarized this one) There will be no Rubbing Off until funding for the Handjobs For the Hollow initiative is secured

Shane : (emitting a series of swan honks) Translation: “I was rubbing off on him every day! Until he fucking cut off my hands!" At least I think that's what she said. There are different swan dialects. I’m still learning how to translate, doing SwanOLingo…

After Kirk comes into the diner grief stricken about his missing Dance Marathon trophy, Rory arrives after, where she appears nervous and has a very stilted and awkward interaction with Luke, and my brain was so half asleep that I couldn't figure out why. Then I'm like...oh yeah. That whole Jess thing. Right. Someone just woke the hell up.

I love that this scene is supposed to take place after school (confirmed by Kirk asking Rory where she was at 10am today and she says school) and Jess is rubbing his eyes like he just woke up.

It's nice to see Rory looking at Jess like a deer caught in the headlights because she in quiet awe of him, as opposed to Rory looking at Dean like a dear in the headlights because she fears him.

Tomatos sign! Another reminder that this feral kitten is a grown woman's arch nemesis and in a few moments she's going to say she wishes he would die in a house fire. Don't listen to him, Luke. Look at this kitten. He's clearly emaciated. He got seperated from his feral cat colony and he's hungry. *checks for microchip* *puts out a tin of tuna* *pspspsps*

You would, miss Eats Parmesan Cheese Straight from the Can and Sandwiches With No Innards and French Toast Without Utensils. Soon to be Miss E Coli. We interupt this nonsense for some breaking news. As I was writing this, I was interrupted by an earthquake.

This must have been God breaking free of the heavens and blessing the union between Rory and Jess. Or more like Satan breaking free from the earth and cursing this bitch.

Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy, this SexCriminal.

This was a grade a Filet Mignon Okuh right here. I will continue to delight in the fact that Rory and SexCriminalJess dated for 6-7 months and despite all the fretting from adults with nothing else to do but nose into the sex lives of adult teenagers, they never have sex, and after all that fuss and furious cockblocking she just ends up screwing Dean instead. The fact that the adults in Stars Hollow are so in awe of Jess' sexual prowess to believe that if Rory were to be in his presence unsupervised for mere moments, her clothes would just fly off and they'd be found humping on the floor is hilarious and infuriating but also, not completely untrue.

"There goes my nephew the Gigolo" He's in awe the speed in which his nephew works, as it would take Luke over 4 years to get Lorelai upstairs alone to makeout.

#SexCriminals Look at all this furious naked humping going on. By god, I bet she's already pregnant. This is the sexiest complete avoidance of eye contact I've ever seen. You better hurry and put a stop to this, Adults!

That kiss was so chaste Mama Kim wouldn't even blink. She could bring them to church and use them as explemary role models for abstinence. They're even Leaving Room for Jesus. Luke:

That was A MINUTE. I know we're going to hear from Lorelai at a future time about how Crusty impregnated her with the speed of a jackrabbit on Adderall, so Jess could theoretically knock Rory up in a few seconds using telepathy or something, but give the boy some damn credit. Can't you people let this kid have ANY fucking joy (or privacy) in his life? I am so mad. It takes a lot for me to get mad at Luke Danes. This is what Luke and Lorelai are imagining will happen in less than a minute:

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x8, Let The Games Begin. Part 5 (Richard Gilmore Has A Slutty Past)

Heh, they did the thing where they say the title of the episode inside the episode again.

Goody. Our fearsome foursome is off to Yale. *drinks heavily* Emily won't allow Lorelai to bring a sealed thermos of coffee into the car. Frankly I hope Lorelai spills it on her lap and gets a mild scald. It would humble her. Ya know, It's never stated whether Lorelai has alcohol or coffee in the mug, just that Emily is adamant she can't drink liquids in a vehicle. Frankly, I would understand Lorelai's need to self medicate with booze at 9am before a road trip with her parents, but on the other hand, as I stated earlier. She also didn't have to come. She could be home playing Hide the Cocktail Sausage with Dean. We could skip to the part where Rory and Jess smooch at the gas station. Never fear. The next scene that follows, the calm before yet another storm, if you will, turned out to be a highly entertaining and enjoyable romp for me. Enter: Richard Gilmore The Man Whore.

After having already toured Harvard a year ago, Lorelai is still in awe over how many freaking geeks attend large universities. Richard: I spent a lot of time in the Yale art gallery. Emily: I'll say you did. Richard: What is that supposed to mean? Uh oh. Huh. Was this art gallery some kind of idk, hub of intellectual and artistic curiosity slash whorehouse where a young man could go to find sexually liberated artistic chicks for easy pickings? But like, in the 50's? What a concept.

Jess would kick his own ass if they called it that.

Richard GIlmore, you dog.

(you have to imagine Jess is feigning interest/ knowledge in the penis octopus portrait to a young lady or perhaps another bicurious young man and not his uncle) Emily: He was the master of the "Frown, step back, wrinkle, and sigh" Okay, my curiosity is piqued. You got me. Please explain?

Knowing Richard Gilmore was such a skankbag in college just like Jess is the gift I didn't know I needed today. Jess can do the frown, wrinkle and sigh during a poetry open mic night at the Truncheon, where he takes his latest conquest. Tuesday nights at 8pm. Light refreshments of coffee, potato chips, and chocolate chip cookies will be served.

Be proud of your skanky past, Richard. Your grandaughter's stepcousin sure was of his. RIchard: I'll have you know was happily involved in a very serious relationship when your mother decided she simply had to have me. We were engaged. She had met my parents, invitations were mailed out. Emily: You'll give these girls the wrong impression. Lorelai: That you were the Helena Bonham Carter of the society set? Emily: I did not steal your father, I simply gave him a choice. Richard: When you showed up at my frat party in that blue dress, I had no choice. I know who HBC is but that's another topical early 2000's reference that has escaped me. I guess she was a man stealer of some sort. I"m thinking it must have something to do with Jonny Depp. Anyway, I don't think you have to worry about modeling healthy relationships for Rory or Lorelai. Its too late, the horse has already escaped the barn there. Lorelai: I can't believe you were The Other Woman Emily:This is ridiculous. Lorelai: The other woman should be saying "this is ridiculous" Rory's inner monologue: I want to be just like Grandma when I grow up.

We learn Richard proposed to Emily at Yale next to a trash can, and it seems to be a tradition in the Gilmore family to get proposed to next to a trash can. And in Lorelai's case to reproduce with the trash can, continue to have sex with the trash can over the next two decades and eventually, to marry the trash can.

[saltygilmores]

Dance Marathon Episode-Part 9-The Bloody Finale. RIP Shane.

Now I know my readers have lost untold hours of sleep pondering the origin of all this Shane is Dead nonsense. Fret no more, my 4-6 regular readers. Fret no more. After her public dumping for the ages, Rory retreats to Money Laundering Bridge, where the soon to be homocidal maniac follows close behind (Shane's current whereabouts are unclear, but he won't let her get too far). A brief, gloomy conversation between Jess and Rory ensues, where it is established that Jess and Rory Like-Like each other and are comitting to not knowing a moment of peace or sexual intercourse for the next 6-8 months. Yippee. So, we are to believe that the thing that needs "taking care of" is presumably, ending his "relationship" with Shane. But a normal, not-murderer person could have said something like "I have to go talk to Shane." Or he would have not said anything to Rory because Shane was not even his girlfriend anyway, so who gives a crap? If we have just established that Rory and Jess have decided to make a go of this thing, it's a given that Shane is history. She's off like a prom dress. So why did he have to say it like that? What, exactly, has to be "taken care of"? You know what kind of people say things like that? People who are in the mob, before they erase someone. (but instead of "sleeping with the fishes", Shane will be sleeping with the swans.) On top of that, why are you using that absolutely bone-chilling tone of voice? And such a creepy Okuh, too. That's an okuh that will make your blood run cold. Also, that creepy way he's staring at Rory, like he's contemplating evil. You can see it in his eyes that the evil gears are turning in his evil brain. How convenient that after he says this Ms. Campbell is never seen or heard from again. RUN SHANE! RUN! Run as fast as your slutty little legs can carry you!

Shane Campbell B. 198? D. 2002 Shane Campbell was born sometime in the mid 80s to Mr. and Mrs. Campbell, who were those really cool kinda parents who let their daughter have boys in her bedroom and said things like "drinking is okay as long as you do it in the house". Until her untimely death, Ms. Campbell was employed by Stars Hollow Beauty Supply. She prided herself on being gainfully employed and sex-positive and being the creator of new words such as "bloaty". She was educated in the Stars Hollow school system, causing some of her detractors to believe that Ms Campbell did not know how ice was made. She had plans to attend cosmetology school and looked forward to a career in the beauty industry where she would have made more money and met way cooler people and had a lot more sex than other people who went to Yale instead. We will miss her spicy customer service, off the shoulder tops, low rise jeans, and love of tonsil hockey. RIP. I will remember you, will you remember me, don't your let your life pass you by...weep not for the memories... Jess departs the lake to locate his victim and comitt certain felonies and busy himself with cleaning up bodily remains. As she posed no real threat to his relationship with Rory, his motive for Taking Care of Shane remains unclear. He is just a blood thirsty maniac. God forbid a boy finds a hobby, right? He has a long night ahead of him. Rory and Lorelai return to the dance a few moments apart, where Rory's absence has disqualifed them and Kirk wins. Rory cries into Lorelai's arms over the loss of Butthead and the gaining of Jess The Mess. As Kirk circles the gym with his trophy, the Rocky theme song plays, which drowns out Shane's screams of terror from behind the school. With the same superpower that he utilized to abscond with 500 baseballs, Jess manages to drag Shane's lifeless body from the school and back to the lake and feeds her to the swans. The end.

[saltygilmores]

THOUGHTS WHILE WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS: S3/EP4/ONE’S GOT CLASS THE OTHER ONE DYES (PART 5)

Parts 1-4 and all other episodes are linked in my pinned post.

OMG. PHRASING, LUCAS. PHRASING!! IT'S OKAY EVERYBODY! HE MEANT METAPHORICALLY, PEOPLE.

I mean, your affair with Dean Forrester should already have you on some kind of registry.

Luke is giddy with delight over Lorelai's humilation at the school and is giggling up a storm, a gigglestorm the likes of which I've never heard before from him. Let's alll point and laugh at Lorelai! It's fun.

The KarenDebbies are descending upon us. I can't wait to hear Lorelai say the word "condoms"!

I've never seen him this happy before?

Sadly with no context I wouldn't be able to tell if this was 2023 or 2002. Karens: Why were you discussing your pregnancy, why didn't you change the subject? Lorelai: I tried but they kept coming at me like I was poland and they were Nazis. Urrrp.

In my unrated Gilmore Girls rewrite titled The Hollow, I promise to rewrite this episode so that we see Lorelai throwing condoms at high school students.

Well as long it's just a banana and you don't bring Dean for the subject of your demonstration. KarenDebbie: What kind of mother are you?! Lorelai: The kind that doesn't just gloss over uncomfortable topics!

My ass you don't. She spends a good 75% of season 3 moving heaven and earth to interfere in Jess and Rory's relationship and cockblocking them to make sure these two legal adults don't fuck each other instead of giving Rory any sort of useful information about sex and you should know better than anyone that that's a solid recipe for teen pregnancy, Miss GlossyPants. Speaking of. Guess who else is about to get a fumbling attempt at Awkward Parental Sex Talk? This li'l guy.

We don't want Shane to get pregnant. It would make her already tragic impending death even more tragic.

So, what's up with Luke's apartment? There's a guitar, bongos, and maracas (plus a sign he stole from a bus stop). Does he have a secret past in some kind of salsa band?

Luke referring to a human being as something you can "stash in a closet" like an old box of Monopoly is fucking hilarious. The delivery is also very "Jess are you a gigolo?" and "What are you, a drug dealer now?" Like he knows it's a ridiculous question but he's also mildly concerned that the answer is going to be Yes. And now, for all time favorite exchange in the entire Gilly Girls World:

Jess and Rory are cool and all. But Luke and Jess are it for me. These two are the reason I keep watching. Their dynamic is so perfect and things were never the same after Milo left, not only because of the breakup of Literati but because I desperately miss these two guys playing off each other.

I don't know. I feel like Shane wouldn't give a flying cupcake about getting caught. She had no problem repeatedly barging into the diner to hump Jess' leg while Luke and Lorelai were watching and Luke had to part them like Moses parting the sea to wait tables, and she had no problem playing tonsil hockey with Jess against a tree for hours in view of hundreds of people. More evidence that this little dude is lying and that Closet Girl wasn't actually Shane.

We know, Jesstopher. We know. You little freakazoid.

Amen, brother.

Bolt the doors Lucas he's gonna run! Luke should be pulling a Lorelai and throwing bags of condoms at Jess. Stars Hollow called an emergency town meeting after he drew on a sidewalk with chalk. I can't imagine the fate of both Jess and Luke if it were discovered that Jess planted his demon seed in anyone but especially precious Rory.

I love it when Luke tells Jess to shut up. Fantastic stuff. Luke: If you care about this Shane girl you have to treat her better. Jess: I don't care about her. I don't know her last name. She mentioned it once, didn't stick. We're just "hangin out." Staaahp. Jess is so deliciously blunt and nonchalant about her. Anyone fellow Millenials here? Does anyone else remember that in high school in the late 90's and early 2000's "hooking up" (or in Jess' case, "hanging out") meant literally anything you wanted it to mean and so one of your friends could say "I hooked up with Jason last night" but that could mean they either made out for a few minutes or they were full on bumping uglies or something in between and you often had to ask uncomfortable questions. It was a very confusing time. It kept us all on our toes.

Luke, you have a pair of eyes. You've seen what they do in your diner. There should not exist any doubt that they're not convening in your apartment to play checkers.

I'm telling you, the dynamic of the entire Danes-Mariano family is so complex and interesting and I would twist my nipple for this show to delve into it as much as humanly possible at the expense of pushing Rory and Lorelai to the side (Lorelai off a cliff). I've hit the ceiling for screen shots here on Tumblr.com so here's the last three minutes of the episode: Luke: You need to find a girl you actually care about. Jess: Yah like it's that easy. Luke: Ya huh it's that easy if you try Jess: The girls I like don't give a damn about me. I'm not just gonna sit around hoping they change their minds and notice me, unlike SOME PEOPLE. Luke: Da fuq does that mean Jess: ya fixed any neighbor's porshes *porches lately? Luke: Shut up Jess: I've got a little self esteem Luke: Shut up Jess: Gotta go, Shane's horny again Well, that attempt at the Birds and Bees talk certainly went off the rails. Luke was able to impart to Jess that teenage boys have raging hormones and they tend to like girls and Jess don't be an idiot. It's okay Luke, at least you tried.