#Donghyuk's monologue is inspire by Chasing Amy (which is one of my favourite screenplays)

[mvssmallow]

Cloudy With A Chance

Part 20: …of Ex and Why

Masterlist

He’s back at work and back with a sense of dejà vu.

“So. It’s just…over?” Donghyuk asks gently.

He nods and looks out the window instead of making eye contact.

Donghyuk furrows his brows and chews on the take-away coffee cup in confusion. “Oh. I thought things were going well…..wait wait, that’s not important right now. How are you holding up? Do you want to talk about it or do you want to get back to work?”

He just shrugs and twirls his pen around his fingers. “I don’t know what I want. My head is like…I don’t even know. Like a bomb went off.”

“You don’t have to tell me but why did you guys break up?”

He sighs heavily. “My parents found out. I kind of went crazy.”

Donghyuk takes a sips and nods all knowingly, as usual. “Hmmm.”

“Was it the wrong decision?” He asks.

“Well. What do you think?”

“Of course it was the wrong decision.” He says quietly, almost to himself. “It was a stupid decision.”

“So why did you do it? If you knew it was wrong?”

The frustration and anger floods him all over again. “I don’t know Donghyuk! I don’t know! It was like, everyone wanted me to be something. My parents wanted a normal son. Jiwon wanted a normal boyfriend. They just all wanted something from me, constantly. I was just so pissed off at everyone. I just wanted everything to go away and leave me alone for a day.”

He starts drawing circles in his notebook and colouring them all in black. “I don’t deserve him anyway. He’s dealt with enough of my shit. All I did was hold him back from the life he should be living. He’s a rapper. What am I? Some boring writer just dragging him down with all this. I don’t know. It’s probably for the best. He’s probably sitting there wondering why he even bothered with me in the first place.”

Donghyuk stops nodding in agreeance. “Is that what he said?”

“No, he never said it but I know he must think it sometimes. Like when he can hear me lying to my mum on the phone. Or when people want to come over and I say no. He’s social. He likes people. I’m the opposite, all I want to do is stay home. The more I think about it, the more sense it makes. It’s better that we broke up before any real damage was done, you know?”

Donghyuk just sips his coffee in silence.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“Only if you want me to…..”

He rolls his eyes. “Why would I tell you if I didn’t want your opinion? Do I look like I can figure anything out by myself right now?”

Donghyuk frowns before putting his cup on the table between them. “I’m not sure what to say but do you want to hear a story?”

He nods, relieved for a distraction at least.

“So, there used to be a writer here called Alex. He was from London and worked with us in the year before you started. We were inseparable after a month. It was just the biggest type of foolish love you could imagine. The type where you matched on every level there was to match on. He could already speak Korean but I insisted on learning English anyways and he’s probably the reason I can still speak it so well now. We used to co-write articles, all crazy concepts and unique ideas that really got Daily Grind more popular in the initial stages of the magazine. They’re part of the reason I got promoted so fast. Anyway, four months down the road, the overanalytical-paranoia kicks in, and I ask about the ex-relationships. I didn’t want to know but I had to know, had to figure where I stood in comparison. It turns out that his last few relationships were with all these mensa level professors and published authors. You know, of actual books and literature.”

“Sometimes it’s a mistake to dig into the past.” Donghyuk says with a shake of his head. “All it did was make me more afraid. After he told me I just felt small, like I was lacking physically, intellectually and in experience, like I didn’t fit his trend and was just some experiment. And here’s the messed up thing: I let everyone convince me it was true. That he was just going to eventually go back to being with what he’s always been with. Of course he was nice to me, he was in South Korea, what other choice did he have? So I friendzoned him instead of waiting around to get hurt. It didn’t make a difference, I got hurt anyway. What I completely did not understand was that he didn’t even think like that. He wasn’t looking for those guys any more. He was looking for regular me. By the time I figured this all out, it was too late. He had moved on and all I had to show for it was regret and some of the best pieces I will probably ever write.” 

“He was The Guy. I knew that from the beginning. In some ways, I’m always going to be looking for someone like him.“

There’s a long pause after Donghyuk finishes. “That’s the problem with people like us. We always end up with too many regrets. Life is easy if you let your brain decide everything, it’ll always reason and pick self-preservation. But reasoning doesn’t work when it comes to these things and the heart doesn’t know any logic or rational thought. It doesn’t care about self-preservation. That’s why they say, crazy in love.”

He thinks about Donghyuk’s words long after work finishes. He thinks about it as he eats alone, watches TV alone and sleeps alone. There’s no messy apartment to tidy up, no wrinkled shirts to iron, no mismatched socks to fold. He thought he wanted to be alone. He’s used to feeling alone. Alone protects him. But now? He can’t stand it anymore.

*****

“So, your apartment is still available if you want to move back.” Yo says over dinner. “I made a few enquiries today.”

He nods. “Yeah, thanks. I’ll, um, give them a call tomorrow.”

Yo reaches over to pat his back. “There’s no rush, you know that right? We’re happy to have you here until you sort things out a bit. It’s okay.”

“It’ll be like college all over again.” June says with a chuckle. “Only I’m less poor, Yo can cook more than instant ramen and grilled cheese toasties and you’re slightly cleaner. Slightly.”

They all laugh. It feels good to laugh, even if it’s just for a little while.

But after the distractions of work and playing video games with June or helping Yo tidy the kitchen, he’s alone again. Alone in the spare bedroom with all his belongings in a bag on the floor and staring at someone else’s ceiling. Even the traffic outside the window sounds different. Everything is different. And even though he’s known Yo and June for almost his entire life, this isn’t his home. He already has one.

Part of him still can’t believe it. Part of him is just waiting for Hanbin to answer his phone calls tomorrow. He doesn’t want to think about the other part. He can’t let himself think about it. It’s been so long since he let himself go to all those dark places and who knows how long it’d take him to get out of one again.

So, no.

He won’t believe it’s over.

He won’t until Hanbin gets married to someone else.

Then it’d be over.

But he doesn’t want to think about that either.

Turning over, he punches the pillow in frustration. “Arghhh!”

This is the cruelest part of a break-up; the thoughts. Loops and movies and highlight reels of moments, smiles, words, feelings. They play over and over again in his head and after awhile it’s nothing but torture. He wants to remember them, hold onto them, file them somewhere nobody can reach but at the same time, he wants them just to fade away and let him sleep.

But sleep doesn’t come easy anymore. Not when there’s no warm weight next to him and no-one clawing at his arm in the middle of the night.

He tries to think about the upcoming mic night instead but scrolling through all the half-finished verses on his phone just gets him more depressed. He’s written better, been better, and rapping about cars and money just seems trivial right now. It’s 2:30 when his eyes finally close out of exhaustion and in the darkness there are only images of Hanbin’s sad face staring at him as he leaves the apartment.

Sleep isn’t really sleep anymore.

He goes back to eating breakfast alone. There aren’t notes or sneaky Oreos snuck into his lunchbox. There aren’t any random messages on his phone to read and laugh at. No jokes over dinner or in bed. His entire being misses Hanbin but the worst thing, by far, is going to sleep alone and knowing that he’s just going to wake up alone in 6 hours.

His mind hangs on for a few days, it even makes it to a whole week, but everything falls apart by the second. That’s when he starts to believe that life without Hanbin might be permanent. So what if he feels sorry for himself? So what?

“Jesus, slow down Jiwon!” June says in exasperation and reaches over to take the shotglass from his fingers.

“Hey! I need that!” He tries to grab it back but the contents are already gone.

“I think you’ve had enough. How are you gonna perform like this?”

He shrugs. “I’ve been worse.”

June looks at him with skeptical concern. “You sure you wanna go on? You can just back out, say you’re sick or something. It’s just a mic night. Probably no record company scouts here.”

He shakes his head. “No, I want to do it.”

By the time the music kicks in he’s regretting it and wishes he had just listened to June after all. It’s not bad but it’s a mess, as if his heart was just bleeding erratically all over the stage. If he was any more sober he’d feel embarrassed but with 4 shots and a beer in his stomach, he can’t say there’s anything beyond the numbness.

forget a promenade, let’s juggernaut down memory lane,  leave no thought alive, to the slaughter house i’m taking my pain time to sever my brain from my heart and soul my knees are burning hot, but God is cold, I’ve been told

One day you’ll know too much of heaven’s a sin after the show, it’s only hell that it brings so take it slow and let time heal everything they say that time flies, but you keep breaking its wings you’ll never fade, fade to black please fade, fade to black but the nightmares come back

-t.t

When it’s over he ignores everyone’s concerned looks and walks straight back to the bar.

“Shit, Kim. What’s up with the depressing lyrics?”

He looks up to see one of the rap competitors grinning at him. He can’t even remember the guy’s name and takes the time to swallow his gin before answering. “Just felt like it.”

“What have you even got to be depressed about anyway? You’ve been killing it lately, even Mino’s getting scared. Hey, where’s that guy you’re with?”

He clenches his jaw. “Not here.”

“Why? He dump your ugly ass?” The guy jokes.

He doesn’t answer. Just shakes his head and keeps drinking.

The guy doesn’t stop talking and it grates on his already frayed nerves. “His fucking face, man. Half the guys backstage want to fuck his face, the other half want to fuck-”

He remembers reaching the bottom of his glass of gin before his right fist connects with a slackened jaw. There’s a sickening crunch and collapse of bone as the guy stumbles back in shock.

They just stare at each other for a second before launching forward, fists swinging and connecting with anything within reach. A punch to the gut, knuckles across his left eyebrow, nails scratching a trail down his face and finally, a knee into his chest that has him falling head first into the corner of a table and splitting his lip. 

He ignores the nose bleed, the taste of blood in his mouth, the bursts of pain every time his fist hits the face beneath him. He had it coming. They both had it coming. 

“JIWON! What the fuck-”

June’s loud voice rings in his ears before four strong arms eventually pull him away from the fight. His left eye is swollen and his vision blurry but he can see security dragging the other guy in the opposite direction. 

“No wonder he dumped your ass. You’re nothing but a fucking loser!” The guy shouts at him through a mouth full of bloody teeth. 

He makes to stand up again but June’s hard face comes into view. “NO. ENOUGH.”

Yoyo stands in the middle, placating security and the club’s management with the kind of diplomacy and level-headed intelligence that both he and June lack. His shirt is roughly peeled off and used in some vain attempt to slow down the bleeding.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Is this is how you’re gonna act now?” June asks. It comes out more sad than scolding and that just makes him feel worse somehow.

Yo eventually comes over with a stern face and hurried words. “We need to get out of here right now. You’re lucky they like you so much.”

He lets them lead him through the club, right past the half-cheering half-judging crowd, and buckle him into the backseat of June’s black Audi. 

His right hand is twisted, swollen, deformed. He looks at it with fascination, knowing somewhere in the back of his mind that it would be screaming out in pain if not for the industrial levels of alcohol in his system. 

“I can’t believe this!” Yo exclaims from the driver’s seat. “I can’t believe this is how tonight ended. He’s lucky that that other guy is stupid and won’t remember enough to press charges.”

June shakes his head. “That other guy is a dick. I know him. He was probably starting some shit as usual. He’s done it before. It must’ve been something really bad for Jiwon to do that.” 

“Don’t defend him June!” Yo replies in irritation. “That other guy might be a dick but what about our guy? He dislocated a jaw. That’s hardly something to be proud of!”

“I’m not defending him! You’re talking like he just randomly decided to punch a dude in the face. He’s not like that.”

The car lurches forward abruptly as Yoyo breaks hard at the red light. “I know he isn’t! Don’t you talk like I don’t know him too! I’ve known him almost as long as you have.”

He sighs in the backseat. He always thought he was a good person. He was a good person wasn’t he? So why was he ruining everything around him?

“Let’s just get him to the hospital. We’ll talk about the rest at home.”

Hospital.

What.

“I don’t need to go to a hospital-” He starts.

“Yes, you do.” Yoyo says, warning and finality loud and clear in his voice. “And if either of you have a problem with it, so help me God, I will end you both right now.”

****

He gets a Emergency Department resident stitching him up. It hurts more that the actual fight.

“Rough night huh?”

“Something like that.”

“Get into a fight?”

“Yep.”

“Wasn’t over a girl was it?” The resident teases him with a crooked smile. “Please tell me it was a better story than that.”

He chuckles and lets himself relax a bit. “No. It wasn’t over a girl. It was over a guy.”

“Oh yeah? What’s his name?”

“Hanbin. You know how everyone thinks their boyfriend is the best guy on the planet? Well, he is actually is the best guy on the planet. Too good for me anyway.”

“So, what did he think of all this?” 

He can feel the pull of the sutures against his left eyebrow. It was weird and foreign and everything just felt so strange right now. “He wasn’t even there. We broke up. I got into a fight and he wasn’t even there to see it.”

“Well, this might leave a scar. Show him that.” The resident says, sitting back after he’s tied the last suture and applied a bandage over the top. “Guys loves scars don’t they?”

He laughs again, he likes this guy. “I’ll be even uglier than when he left me.”

The resident stands and starts clearing away the examination table. “If he’s the right guy, he’ll come back and not even notice the new level of ugly. Now. Let’s see this hand of yours.”

It’s a mess. Bruised, swollen and-

“Broken.” 

“Broken?” He echoes in disbelief. 

The resident nods and points out the fracture on his xrays. “Fifth metacarpal. Also know as a Boxer’s Fracture. Luckily for you there’s minimal angulation or rotation.”

“And that’s good?”

“Yes. You won’t need reduction or surgery. And it’s not an open fracture so all you’ll need for it to heal is time. I’m going to apply a support bandage and get you a sling for elevation.”

He nods and watches as his hand disappears behind layers of white crepe bandaging. 

No home. No boyfriend. And now, with his broken hand, probably no job.

Thank God they gave him morphine.

“Remorse?”

“Yeah.”

“People do crazy things for love.”

“Yeah, I know. You ever done anything crazy, doc?”

There’s a pause before the bandaging continues. “Well, I got into med school to impress a girl and to convince her parents to let us date. She left me for some long haired musician by second year. All I have to show for it is this medical degree, a stable job and my Lexus.” 

They both laugh. 

“Damm, that’s cold though. Did you forgive her?”

The resident tapes up the ends of the bandage. “Over time. I could never resent her anyway. She changed my life. Some pains are just worth it in the end.”

****

“You’re a cliche.”

He’s hearing things. 

He must be. 

“A stupid cliche.”

And tripping hard on the morphine they gave him.

He turns over and sits up too fast, causing his head to spin, vision to black-out and headache to spike behind his left eye. “Argh….”

A hand pushes his shoulder until he’s lying against the hospital bed again. “Stay down.”

That voice. He knows that voice. 

He loves that voice.

“My head hurts.” He groans, eyes still shut to calm down the vertigo.

“Probably from carrying around that big brain all day.”

When the world stops moving, he opens his eyes, blinks a few times to get rid of the blur and once his vision clears, Hanbin’s face comes into view, like a picture from a dream. 

That must be the morphine talking.

“Are you really here? What are you doing here? Why are all dressed up?”

He takes in the crisp white shirt, pressed black pants and neatly styled hair. He has never seen Hanbin dressed up like this. This is a fever dream. Or maybe his batch of morphine was spiked with LSD.

“I heard some rapper got into a fight. It was all over the news.” Hanbin says with a shrug. 

His eyes widen. “I was on the news?”

Hanbin shakes his head with a small smile. “No. June told me. What the hell were you-”

“Okay, Jiwon. You’re free to go!” The resident walks back into his cubicle holding a box of pain medication and discharge papers, only halting when he sees Hanbin. “Oh. Hello. I’m Dr. Lee. And you must be…”

“This is the Hanbin.” 

“Ohhh. You’re Hanbin. Right right.”

It’s the drawn out ‘oh’ that has Hanbin furrowing his brows in confusion. “Yes….hello. Um, thank you for taking care of him. So he can go now?”

“Yes. But he came with two others. Will they-”

Hanbin shakes his head. “I sent them home. I’ll take him.”

“Oh good!” The resident says with a smile. When Hanbin isn’t looking he swears he saw a wink thrown in his direction. 

He watches as Hanbin listens to the instructions on medication use and reads the letter detailing future follow up appointments. Where was June? Where was Yo? Why was Hanbin even here? 

“Well, good luck Jiwon.” The resident says with a knowing grin before leaning closer to his ear and whispering, “Looks like it was worth it in the end, huh?”

He looks over his shoulder to see Hanbin folding his bloody shirt away and reaching into a bag to pull out a clean hoody. 

“Yeah.”

But if he thought their reunion was going to be some beautiful montage of hugs and apologies, he was sadly mistaken. 

“What were you thinking? Were you even thinking?” Hanbin rants at the wheel as they drive down the highway. “What if the other guy makes a report to the police? And you were drunk? I’ve seen you drunk. You’re all useless drunk. How can you even fight drunk?”

He lets Hanbin talk and finds himself smiling out the window as the world whizzes by. 

“Why are you smiling? Is this funny to you? Yeah, it’s really funny getting a text saying you were at the hospital with an emergency. And June! He didn’t even reply for 10 minutes about why you were there so I got a speeding ticket and heart attack on the way. He can pay for it. No! YOU can pay for it. Well, no you can’t. How are you even going to go to work with a broken hand. A broken hand, Jiwon! Jesus.”

They get to a red light and he starts giggling at the absurdity of the entire situation. It really doesn’t help Hanbin’s mood.

“This isn’t cool. You could’ve really injured a guy. You could’ve really injured yourself! Did you even think about that?” Hanbin asks, distress etched all over his face. 

He stops laughing as the guilt begins to eat away at him. “But I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, you’ll be just fine. What about me, huh? Not like I’ve been mentally unstable lately or anything. I really love having to think about you dying or something.”

“I’m sorry.” He says as the light turns green. 

Hanbin looks over at him, eyes softening for a moment before changing gears. “It’s okay.” 

He watches Hanbin drive for a few minutes and it hits him: this is the first time he’s been in the passengers seat in Hanbin’s car. Hanbin hates driving anywhere so why was he even driving now?

“Why did you send June and Yo home? They could’ve taken me. I’m staying there anyway. It doesn’t make any logical sense for you to come all this way-”

“I didn’t come because of logic.” Hanbin says. 

He doesn’t get it. “So why did you come?”

“I just….I just thought something happened to you.”

“So what? You came because you were curious?” 

Hanbin shakes his head in frustration, his knuckles white and tense at the wheel. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn’t want to end things like this.”

It hits a nerve. “Like what? Things already ended. You told me to leave, remember?”

“And you’re the one that left!” Hanbin snaps.

“I left because you told me to!” He snaps back. “You said you wanted time alone! I didn’t do it because I wanted to leave.”

The cars pulls up into a familiar driveway. 

He just stares out the window before turning towards the driver’s side. “How sick are you? Or do you just like it when we suffer?”

“What?” Hanbin looks at him in confusion.

He gestures out the window and points up to the fourth floor. “Why did you drive me back here? To remind me of everything I’m not allowed to have? No offence but I think I’m all maxed out on bad luck tonight, okay? I’ll walk back to June’s if I have to.” 

He tries to take off his seatbelt but his right hand is bandaged and it’s too awkward reaching around the sling with his left. Not that it stops him from trying. 

“Jiwon. Stop…stop…” Hanbin’s words are soft, scared, sad. He has to ignore it. He can’t get dragged back into this game where all he does is lose. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just wanted to take care of you. It should be me.”

“Why should it be you? Why?!” He can hear the sharp edges in his voice. He’ll regret this later. He regrets it now. “I don’t want your pity, okay? You think you can just tell me you don’t want me one minute then suddenly decide to come back when you feel guilty? You can’t do that to people! You can’t play with them like that! Do you really think I’m going to just sit here…..”

He finally struggles out of the seatbelt and gets out of the car. 

"I’m not! That’s not what I’m doing.” Hanbin scrambles out of his seat to follow him down the driveway. “Can you just stop and listen for a minute!?”

He stops walking as they get to the corner of the road. His mind is spinning and the thoughts inside his head are all jumbled by the alcohol and drugs in his system. “Fine. But no more bullshit, Hanbin. Say what you need to say. I can’t think about this anymore. It’s fucking killing me.”

“I just….I came to take you home.” 

“Why?”

He knows it’s cruel, putting Hanbin on the spot like this, he can see the struggle on his face but it’s too late, they were too far gone and he needs to know. Now or never.

“Because….I wanted you home.” 

He looks at Hanbin’s scared face and takes a step towards him. “Why?”

“Because I missed you.”

He shakes his head and keeps walking. “Not good enough. Why?”

“You know why.” 

He stops when they’re only an arms length away. “I told you, no more bullshit. Why did you come?”

To his credit, Hanbin doesn’t look away this time. The scared expression replaced with some kind of quiet defiance. “I came to get you back. I wanted you to come back.”

He wasn’t expecting Hanbin to be that blunt and honest. “Why?” He says, softer this time.

Hanbin scowls and punches him on the arm. “Now you’re just being annoying.”

He grins smugly, causing the cut on his lip to bleed again. “Yeah, I know. But tell me. Just this once.”

Hanbin rolls his eyes and sighs before reaching out to dab at the cut with the sleeve of his shirt. “Because I like you. You asshole.”

He uses his good arm to pull Hanbin forward until they’re inches apart. “See, it wasn’t that hard right?”

Hanbin grimaces, pretends to resist. “Because you weren’t the one saying it.”

“Okay. My turn, then?”

“No, you don’t have to say anything…”

“I’m an asshole and I like you too.”

The small dimple-smile that he gets in return is worth every hit he took. He holds Hanbin’s face with his good hand, taking his time to remember everything again. Just in case.

“Hi, baby.”

“Hi.” 

“Wanna go home now?”

“Yeah.”

Hanbin’s fingers find his, their bodies fitting neatly against each other’s as they walk back up the street and take the familiar stairs to the fourth floor. 

He lets out a loud sigh when they step inside the apartment. He was only gone for two weeks but it felt like so much longer. He missed everything, even the stupid wall clock that always ticks too loudly. He really just wants to dive head first into their bed but the grip on his arm pulls him from going any further. 

“You’re all sweaty and bloody. It’s kinda gross.” Hanbin says, screwing up his nose. 

He yawns, suddenly overcome by exhaustion as the long day catches up with him. Toeing off his Jordans he’s surprised at the way his feet automatically jam themselves into the Winnie The Pooh slippers by the door. They never even moved from their position in the line-up. 

He doesn’t remember that much after that. Hanbin draws him a bath, tapes a plastic bag around his right hand and makes him sit in the warm bubbles. He rests his head on a stack of towels and blinks sleepily. 

“I haven’t had anyone give me a bath since I was a kid.”

Hanbin snorts. “You’re still a kid.”

Hanbin’s fingers massage his scalp gently and he sighs as the warm water runs down his skin. “Mmmm, it’s nice.” 

“Jiwon?”

“Hrmm?”

“What happened at the club?”

“Some guy was talking shit.”

“That deserves a punch in the face does it?”

“He was talking shit about you.”

The damp towel scrubbing at the dried blood near his jaw pauses for a split second. “So what? You’re going to start a fight with every guy who talks shit about me?”

He shrugs. “Maybe. Depends on the shit.”

“Stupid…..so stupid….” Hanbin mutters. 

He hums in agreeance. 

“Hey, you got blood all over Richard Parker.” Hanbin says, holding out his right arm and scrubbing at all the dried blood splattered over his tiger tattoo. “Makes him look badass.”

“He was already a badass. He knows maths.”

Hanbin laughs and he smiles into the stack of towels, it splits his lip again but some pains really are worth it in the end.

****

Soundtrack for this chapter: 

The Scientist | ENL | Someone Like You (for Donghyuk)