#EXCEOT THAT ONE TUMBLR POST

[wow-an-unfunny-joke]

I don’t like hanahaki disease for the same reason I don’t like soulmates. It removes the choice. All the love and feelings feel instantly dampened by the lack of choice. I mean I get that with hanahaki disease there is technically a choice, but “love me back or I’ll die” isn’t really a choice, and the other options aren’t much better either

“Either you love me back or I loose the ability to love/ loose all my feelings for you/ forget about you entirely”

“Love me back or I’ll live with this chronic illness forever”

These aren’t good alternatives, if still feels forced and one sided

[honeybeelivin]

Privacy

8.27.2017

I’m not sure if Amanda accidently opened my Tumblr by accident. If she did then she saw an unfisnihed post about Shaun. more importantly about me missing Shaun. Just the thought gives me anxiety. Not because she would find out but what comes after. If I thought that Amanda wasn’t threatened or wouldn’t blow this up. but I feel like she would. I just want to say that you can miss something without wanting it back in your life. Which is how I feel about Shaun. I miss him but I certainly have learned that we now, can no longer be anything but friends and that is the extent of any relationship we would have. I know Amanda's lack of trust is because she can read Shaun and I the best out of anyon else. She kniws that Shaun and I have this “bon’ which is really justa way to say we have a soft spot for eachother but that that is all it will ever be. no more. maybe less. We go throuhg these period of not talking. then the tension nuilds up and when we di actually talk, we get this high off of it. I dont know why. I dont know why were like this. Our horro scope matches sa that we will always have emotinal and sexual bonds because were the opposite on the zodiacs. and that whenb a taurus ansd scorpio get toigehter it is a powerful attraction. so this high is good but just like Ive alwyas said its just a fire. a soark and dims fast... exceot when we are in perosn. then I cant explain it. its just this bond. he hit the nail on the head when he said to amanda.  an indescriable connection. We have done some messed up things to eachother. both have lied, played games, hes used me. and yet we both are able to throw it all away. every time. we have both said we hated eachoterh and yet. we dont mean it, every time. There is a fine line between love and hate. I know that Shaun and I care bout each other and I know that he and I love each other. but that's all it will ever be. which I have accepted awhile ago. When I sometimes get caught up in the always hanging ‘what if’ I think about the after effects. if in some fantasy world shaun and I did end up together. Somehow him and amanda break things off and a couple years down the road, him and I bump into eachother and decice to catch up. that he tells mw what Ive known all along that he always missed me and always came back to the decison to choose my sister over me. It all sounds nice up until my brain stops and thinks “then what?” like I show up to moms house with shaun, and evreyone just accrepts that he and I are together?? or worse, I dont tell anyone for months and months and i lie to everyone because Im scared to tell them who I reconnected with. Ever time I get to the then what part it makes me snap into reality that he and I will NEVER happen. never ever. and immeditely following that slap, I think about who will be m future husband. who is going to make me feel the same way Shaun did. Which proceeds to familydinners in the fututre. With me bringing home  some handsome refinded man. glowing with happiness and I see Shaun slightly scorned. not enough for anyone to notice but me. Which only makes me think about him more. and how a part of me would like that. I day dream of the man that will make me feel alive again. that one day, I can talk to Shaun and just have it be him and I . where there is no tension because I have finally moved on. I day dream because that is what my heart truly desires. peace. AS much as I care about him and love him as a person, I can’t have peace of mind while there is still an inkling of feelings. but I also don't want to lose him as a friend. The only way I can get throuhg this new chapter of being friends with him is too keep the distance. To ignore the parts of me that want to talk to him. to remember that he doesn;t want you. that if I want to stay in his life I have to treat him like any other friend. treat him the same way I treat tyler or cody. in no significant special way. that is the only way you  can remain in his life. because in the end thats what you want the most. I have accepted that shaun and I wil never be together like that and that we will only ever be friends which is okay.  but to remain in his life right now, hes just shaun. Shaun Hobby, Amands boyfriend. NOT the shaun you dances with you bedrooms, and cuddles with you, and tells you his up most fears and thoughts, not the sahun who shares some of the best songs, not the shaun who makes pinky promises and blows kisses, not the shaun who laughs until he cries over corny jokes, not the shaun you once knew. That shuan is gone and so is that kassy. forever. Just be his friend when he needs one. Care about him. but he isn’t the one for you. someone out there is. and one day youll find that person and youll feel alive again. youll feel love again. life is worth living. SO heres to BEing a friend to a person who has no friends. and heres to having a friend when you have no friends. HEres to having a future in law who has your back.