#EXCEPT NOT NOW CUZ IM PROPERLY MEDICATED

[woundedheartwithin]

It’s amazing how I am a nervous, timid wreck having to make phone calls until I hit peak efficacy of my adhd meds and then I can fucking do anything. Like this medication has actually turned me into a functioning adult and I still can’t fucking believe it

[booknerd405]

all the soft asks! all of them! i love you so much!!

ily Kate!!!!!!!

honey: what’s your favorite memory you made this year?

tbh there were a lot so imma just name a few of them: 1) that night that you, Libby, Em, and I were at Libby’s house and we were all on one bed and just kept tickling each other 2)playing at carnegie hall & that one moment when i hit the gong correctly for the first fucking time and Mr. S looked so happy it was gr8 and 3) tonight i got pho with my boys and then we went to like 4 different parks and just fucked around and ate too much junk and trespassed on a lot of public property just to chill and it was everything 

sunshine: 3 things you do to relax

1.)  take extra long scalding hot showers with depressing/mellow music (this is gonna kill me not to be able to do properly in dorms fuck)

2.)  take my dog for a walk or walk with my dad at night

3.) let myself go brain dead for a few hours and just watch youtube videos and crochet till my fingers hurt

rain: put your music on shuffle and give a 5 song playlist

Nocturne No. 5 in F sharp major Op. 15 No.2 by Chopin, played by Rubinstein (because i’m a ho for chopin)

That Green Gentleman by Panic! at the Disco 

Mr. Watson by Cruel Youth

Bad Liar by Selena Gomez

Super Rich Kids by Frank Ocean 

lace: what’s your favorite piece of clothing?

right now it’s probably my 2 gentlemen of verona shirt but i’m changing my answer literally every 2 minutes in my head so idk (i’m hoping that if i ever actually crochet the cape i bought a punch of supplies for, that it’ll be my fav lol)

flowers: what’s your favorite outdoor activity?

does sitting and staring at the scenery count as an activity? if not, then going to parks with idiot boys 

roses: what’s your favorite perfume or cologne?

my favorite perfumes are Mariah Carey’s Luscious Pink and Flowerbomb by Victor and  Rolf but my favorite scent on earth is the cologne Play by Givenchy i literally spray that on my stuffed animals so that I can smell it as i sleep

sunsets: give 3 movie recommendations

1) The Intouchables (except ur literally not allowed to watch it the 1st time w/out me i need to watch this french movie w you even if we have to do it over skype)

2) Rush Hour (maybe even Rush Hour 2, but the 1st one is the best)

3) the original 3 Indiana Jones movies (i know that’s more than 1 movie, i dont care)

blankets: what’s your night routine?

brush my teeth, put on my prescription acne medication, try and fail to convince my dog to sleep with me instead of my parents, give up, write a sentence in my 10 year journal and tell myself that i’ll clean my pen out tomorrow, tell myself that i’lll start packing for university tomorrow (i wont), read some fanfic (usually Kurtbastian or Tododeku with a bit of Victuuri sprinkled in), then go to sleep

thunder: what’s your favorite instrument?

i feel a bit obligated to say piano cuz ive been playing it for over 10 years for a reason, but aside from that, i’d say my fav instrument to play is a 3 way tie between gong, suspended cymbals, and timpani, and my fav instrument to listen to other than piano is the cello

ink: favorite thing you’ve written?

lmao i haven’t written anything i’ve liked in a long time (i haven’t written anything in a long time cuz im afraid to lbr) but id say maybe the poem i wrote in middle school that was kinda experimental called Alone, and all the random scenes i wrote for the book i was writing all through middle school called Afflictions (i made the mistake of reading through them an now i wanna start writing it again fuck)

heartbeat: who’s your best friend?

it would actually be impossible for me to choose between Kate and Frederick so i will combine the names to make it 1 best friend: Katerick Frate Karick Frederate 

sunrise: kisses or hugs?

hugs :D

fairy lights: who was the last person you talked to?

my older brother, about pumpkin spice beer

sugar: what’s your favorite snack?

bananas!! (especially if they’re covered in nutella ;P)

wind: what’s your favorite season?

im a basic bitch who loves autumn

trees: favorite thing about your hometown?

there’s a lot of things but probably the best thing about it growing up was that our public schools are so big and the environment is very inclusive so cliques were never rly much of a thing? like there were definitely different groups of ppl but they intermingled so much that it didn’t rly matter? nothing was weird about the captain of the football team being friends with a marching band kid

smiles: who do you go to for comfort?

my dad

skyline: the sun, the moon, or the stars?

the stars!!

lavender: what color do you find most comforting?

almost any shade of brown will usually do the trick but beige and tan are especially nice (basically look at my aesthetic side blog @mercurialaesthetic and that’s ur answer lol)

[thebrightestringaroundthemoon]

anyway time to use this blog for what i created it for i guess and type out a big long thing about how im a worthless piece of shit and should pour myself a nice big glass of creamer, sugar, and clorox. i literally serve like? no purpose? in life? at all? im a completely directionless failure that operates with about the complexity of a fucking roomba, running into the same goddamn couch over and over again and slightly redirecting. if i get lucky, i run into a different couch, but nothing fucking changes. i do the exact same thing over and over again: surround myself with wonderful, fantastic people, fuck it up and make them hate me, and then spiral into a pit of my own pointless fucking despair until i realize im such a fucking failure of a person i cant even muster the energy it takes to fucking die so i just get up again in the morning and go again. rinse and fucking repeat. and its not like i have some horrible life or anything, im just profoundly unfit to exist on this planet. i have wonderful friends who actually, honest to god care about me and its evidently not good enough for me?? so i just respond to everything by assuming the worst, spiralling, and being too much of a dumb bitch to fucking talk to A N Y B O D Y about A N Y T H I N G cuz i guess i’d rather make a dumb edgy tumblr blog named after the lyrics to a fucking asia song than actually solve any of my problems. i guess its too much to solve a problem when the fundamental core of who you are as a person is the fucking problem. i mean, there is a solution, but ive already covered why nobody needs to be worried about me doing that! bnobody needs to be worried about me doing anytuhing! accomplishing anything! ever becoming anything! ever managing to do much more than drag myself out of bed in the morning and inspire a profoundly sad mixture of pity and annoyance in everyone iv’e ever come into fucking contact with! im sitting here debating fixing the fucking apostrophe in the last sentence and its driving me fucking mad while real people have real fucking problems and my cardboard cutout ass bad edgy teen novel stupid bitch excuse for a person ass is sitting here doing THIS with my fucking time. I have things i shuold be doing, could be doing, but this is legitimately all i can bring myself to fucking contribute to society at this point. the surest sign that the people around me are fucking saints is that theyve stuck around this fucking long but honestly i dont fucking undeerstand. i guess thats the whole point of shit like saints, you arent supposed to be able to understand, its superhuman compassion, even for those who dont fucking deserve it. or maybe its just because i fundamentally dont work. i dont have any sort of actual power when it comes to my life. these are the idle musings of a bewildered spectator, the one person who comes to the party, stays sober, and sits on the sidelines and watches the fucking idiocy unfold. except instead of drunkenly stumbling around and telling my friends how much i love them, im stone cold sober and sitting on the sidelines watching myself fail to take even the most basic fucking steps towards fixing literally any problem that im dealing with. broken. non functional. i dunno if i was born a failure, though. i think that might be giving myself a little too much credit. other people were dealt infinitely worse hands than i was and they turned out fucking wonderful. i know a couple of them. no, i think im the way i am because of me. i probably had all the chances i needed to become something resembling a human being, and instead im whatever i am now. how can i be excited about some sort of future for myself when i can barely manage a relatively privliged day to day existance? i have friends, im not starving, im in college, i have an apartment. im far from rich but im able to afford to go to college. that should be enough. why the fuck isnt that enmough. why cant i just be fucking satisfied why cant i muster some sort of positive fucking emotions why does joy last a few moments why can i do this so much easier than writing anything positive about my life why does this flow like it does like a fucking river why cant i stop my hands why why what the fuck why why am i like this why was i born why am i who i am it flows so easily it just comes out but i cant tell anyone and i cant rely on anyone because im not anyone in noone im the fucking nobody that people keep around them to make themselves feel better and the only reason i have the slightest bit of doubt about that is that i love my friends too much to ever accuse them of something like that but then again does it fucking count when its someone like me do i qualify as a fucking person does it count as hurting someone’s feelings or using them when that someone isn’t a someone is just an empty fucking shell that was only gifted with the capacity to retain HURT thats all i can fucking remember thats all that sticks with me HURT i cant fucking be rid of it and its not some sort of innate inherent biological failing its who i am as a person i did this to myself i do this to myself i dont know that i will ever stop doing this to myself. all i can hope for is that one day i gain the strrength the fucking self esteem and self respect to kill myself. maybe it isnt self respect i need for that but respect for my friends. its selfish to put them through me. the pain they’d feel from my death would last a short time if at all. it would be so much better than forcing them to know me for however long this failing fucking body will carry my empty shell of a spirit onwards thjrough a world that i dont deserve to fucking inhabit. my inner monologyue put on paper sounds like a fucking evanescence song and i hate myself for it so much jesus fucking christ. i fundamentally do not like myself. as a person. on any level. i do not like myself. i wouldnt be friends with me, and ironically i hate myself for that too. but who would? who the fuck would? why does anyone? do they? maybe thats my one fucking talent. convincing people im likable. worming my way into their fucking lives until they trust me only to realize that i am not a human being. im an empty shell, a fucking roomba of a person. i can tell when ive run into something and back up so i can run into it again. i cannot solve my own problems. i cannot even conceptualize them. im something below a human cursed with the fucking ability to think at the level of one. my ocd is really really desperately trying to get me to scroll up and fix all the spelling and grammar errors but i dont know if itll hurt more to ignore them or to have to read the dumb ashit i just wrote. earlier i said that i wanted this to flow less easily and here we are i guess. though earlier i meant it in the context of only being able to properly conceptualize negative feelings and never being abkle to hold onto anything piositive i feel, and that hasn’t been magically fixed or anything, im just having trouble feeling anything at all now. im a completely blank slate. i havent even cried once troday. i cant. i cant care about my own fucking inadequacy and failure as a very basic human being enough to even fucking cry. i cried about an anime a couple nuights ago. i can muster emotion for that. but as soon as i look inwards i dont see ahyuthing thEres NOTHING FUICKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM BROKEN I AM EMPTY I AM A {PLAGUE ON WHOEVER HAS THE PURE FUCKING MISFORTUNE TO BE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO TAKE PITY ON ME i dont want to die, even. too many steps, too much feeling, too much. i just want to stop. to end. i want to no longer be. ill lock tghat away with all the other things id love to happen but know never will. that ones at the forefront though. it always will be. until i grow the fucking compassion to put others out of my misery. my roomate just texted me an innocuous questiona nd i texte d bacjk normally emojis and all im normal dont you see everyone im normal nothings wrong with me. oh sure sometimes i have a bad day but im fine everybody IM FINE you aren’t you have to put up with me ill fucking worm my way into your life and convince you im a real human being you can hold a congersation with only to snatch the fucking rug out from under you as soon as you actually attempt to engage with me on any level and i just end up eiother hurting you or revealing accidently that there is no such thing as luna thats not a fucking person its a name assigned to a loose collections of disorders, bad habits, and a gaping emotional black hoile from which nothing can fucking escape, jammed into an ugly broken body thats going to kill me early and doesnt even compensate by making me hot. wHEE. and of course, unable to be happy with anything, i will simultaneously complain about my own impending death due to horrific nutrition, subastance abuse (just the fun kinds so people dont realize anything is wrong WHEEEE) and some fucky illness that ive now gone and stopped medicating because im a stupid worthless bitch, AND I WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS WHILE SIMULATENOUSLY WANTING TO DIE what do i want? who the fuck knows! not me! that’s a redundant statement, of course “me” doing know bercause thats not a thing im not a person! id love to blame it on my complete and total internal faliure as a person that i always end up hurting people, but honestly its probably because i dont put enough fucking effort in. even right now,. literally hours after a good friend of mine ostaroted feeling like shit in a way that is almost for sure my fucking fault, im doing THIS instead of trying to right the situation (to b fair she made a point of not inviting me but inviting the rest of the group?) or did she am i just reading into this? who knows! who the fuck knows! everyone but “me”! ejveryone else knows! becayuse its probably REALALLY FUCKING SIMPLE BUT NOOOOO I CANT EVEN MANAGE THAT CAN I I CANNNOT EVEN FUCKING MANMAGE TO MANAGE THAT CAN I thats too much for lil ol me! i am aggressively pointless! i am the single least important collection of fucking atoms on this planet! every last fucking rock i stepped on walking to and from the class that i skipped half of today is more important and has contribtued more to the grand scheme of things than i ever have or ever will, and thats jkust the inanimate fucking objects on the ground. lets not even get started on all the actual people whose time my existance waste, who i am a fucking affront to  by sheer virtue of being in any way associated with them at any point in time ever. i guess this is it, this is what i get when my entire personlaity is a loosely cobbled together collection of self deprecating jokes and a fake ego, desperately attempting to patch over an interior that has holes in it less than it just is one giant fucking hole. i was, am, and will be nothing, not even enough to earn the use of “I” at the beginning of the sentence. dinner is in 15 minutes. my friends will be there. im paralyzed. i belive every word i wrote above so why

would i inflict myself upon them but i 

i cant not

i so deeply want to

to go sit in uncharacteristic silence and hope somebnody notices and asks me whats up so i can give them a dumb, abridged, mostly fake version and get the sad pity looks and then feel bad about exploiting them and then

rinse

repeat

because i am not a person