#Grateful. Im happy ive slowly learned to open up and be myself and say what i feel and allow people to try to understand me

[mrfoox]

People's inpact on me are too great but here I am

[wtfuglydemon]

one thing I've had a lot in my life was people who came to me with their savior complex bullshit and keep going: "you can open up to me", "you don't need to hide everything", "im here to listen if you need to".

it's definitely easy to say that, it's easy to SAY youre available but almost everyone who say this, never go with their words and its very easy to look at their actions and realize that they contradict themselves, and i think the first show of it is: Why does it have to be MY effort to do so?

it sounds selfish and it definitely is, but at least in my life experience, NOT being cautious around people is what got me hurt and when you expect me to open up without doing any effort for me to understand its safe to, im not going to trust you, in fact i will assume you're going to use this vulnerability against me, because guess what, thats why people hide themselves! because our vulnerabilities are used against us and so we need to protect it HARDER! if you put all the effort into making someone open up to you on to them, youre not only unwilling to actually help someone but also definitely not capable to deal with whatever they're hiding.

i say this, because i often think about p-chan, how i know her since around 2021 and from that point i always saw how much attention and care she put on to me, always attentive to what i said, always remembering things i didnt like or liked, even when we barely spoke to each other i could see that either on purpose or not, he was doing the most effort to understand how i work and how to make me the most comfortable when being talked to and it stayed that way, p-chan always gave me my space, always were careful on how she talked to me and so on, p-chan did that effort first without saying anything, without asking, just because she liked me.

there lies the difference between everyone and p-chan for me, what makes me love p-chan so much and why ive notably been the most stable ive ever been in my life, even with hard relapses here and there, p-chan never told me she wished me to open up or anything, p-chan built a comfortable and safe environment for me first, without even saying anything and then, after years, told me that he wishes to make me comfortable enough for that and even when i said it would take a bit, nothing changed, pchan kept doing that effort until my mind slowly got itself ready for being fully open to her, it wasnt a me only effort, p-chan built that safe environment for me and so, i could work on learning on how to open myself to her because now my head understand that her actions never once contradicted that wish to let me be vulnerable safely. Its a joint effort, not just for one side.

i have a safe place, a pillar to hold myself and someone who i can go to for literally anything without a fear of judgment, being annoying or a burden, someone who made that effort just to help me, out of their own wish and before i even knew anything. Its hard to even explain how grateful i am towards p-chan for that, how much that makes me happy and how ive been doing better than ive ever done even compared to when i had medication and doctors, by only having him and nothing else.

its relieving to know all i needed was proper support and someone who is willing to provide me it, someone who took the effort to do all this simply because she wanted to, for me, i love p-chan a lot, i feel highly privileged for having her at all, the fact her support has been so good for me that despite since 2022, up until now have been REALLY HARD on me, p-chan is the person softening those falls and blows enough to keep me alive and mostly sane.

and so this is all mostly to say that.

1: if people truly wish to help you and support you, THEY will do the effort to, you shouldnt be the only one doing everything to be accepted, don't trust fake people with their empty words with no actions to back it up, people who truly care about you will show you that in some way or another because saying it is easy, but doing it takes effort.

2: this is mostly a personal one for me but... the more i go, the more i realize, all of this medical system bullshit will never help me and will most likely not be helping a vast majority of people, if a good support and safe environment from a single person who is willing to do so much effort for my well being, regardless of how bad my symptoms are showing themselves as is capable of singlehandedly make me much more stable and happy than many and many years in therapy, what the system is doing is making me internalize and mask my issues so they arent a bother to others, and not really helping me recover, because i never needed to "recover", i got nothing to recover from because unfortunately that is the way i am, my issues cant be fixed or recovered from, i needed safety, comfort, support and an environment that is compatible with how my mental issues and brain feels, which are all things p-chan gave to me.

i dont know if i wanted to complain or praise p-chan and say how much i love her, maybe both. Just, never trust people who likes to SAY they can help more than how they ACT.

it is definitely easy to keep sharing stuff for support, saying youre there to listen and all those things but it takes real effort and commitment to make a safe environment to allow you to trust them with it.

[biancamichellee]

Growth <3

I’ve just been reflecting on my life on Earth lately and I am completely IN SHOCK at how much i have grown spiritually and mentally in this lifetime. YEARS ago, I left my most traumatic relationship ever. I mean, so traumatic, i almost ended my own life. I just wanted the pain to end, I didnt feel any comfort or support in anybody so I just wanted to be free and leave this earth. I look back and think, “HOW could I allow such hatred into my life?” “How could I be so stupid and blinded by love?” These questions are so unfair. and unfair to myself. I cant blame myself for allowing so much hate and emotional abuse into my life, because I was so young and naive. I 100% did not know any better. Especially since this was my first trial of “real love.” Also, there was no “real love” that was portrayed in my life, or at least i felt like it. I never felt like I saw relationships around me as romantic, genuine love. I saw divorce, and cheating and lies and at the youngest age, this is what I assumed was love. I truly did not know any better and thats nobodys fault. SOO much trauma as a young child, how could you know any better? So, to think that what I was getting myself into was love, is completely genuine. I thought this was love. I believed that what I had with this person was love. and for the most part, it was. We BOTH were young and infatuated. We wanted love so bad, that us being together was just perfect. I wanted to “fix” him, and he wanted to be loved by someone, it was (back then) the perfect match. It was honestly, the most karmic relationship ever lol. I feel like we were most definitely karmic soulmates in previous lifetimes, and fortunately in this lifetime it was the lifespan that healed both of us. I can finally speak up about this without crying hurt tears and I can finally talk about my pain without feeling sadness. I loved so hard, and I believe there was so much love at one point, on both ends. Something in the Universe thought it was the perfect time to start the healing process of this karmic relationship. We both switched up on each other. It was honestly, the most brutal time of my life. i mean, there was already trauma on both ends prior to our relationship, but this was the worst on my side at least. The emotional, the physical and the mental abuse was outrageous. I still can’t believe some of the ways i endured the abuse and how I felt like nobody or nothing could stop this. I remember vividly calling someone for help and them talking but I could not hear a thing. It was like I was LITERALLY screaming for help and nobody could hear me and I couldn’t hear them. it was a bubble of terror. I now feel like me calling people for help and nobody physically helping me was a test of my strength and a battle that I needed to fight within myself. I know that I had to go through this fight alone. Sometimes, I still feel like i am fighting this spiritual journey alone and i feel crazy. Actually, honestly I think I am still alone in this journey. I know I have souls traveling with me and every physical body I meet on earth is a part of my journey (which is another topic for another day) but I still feel so lonely lol. BUT ANYWAYS. All the signs that got me to this point, all the rollercoaster emotions and situations that I have been through to get to this freedom feeling, has been fucking rough. It’s so funny how the Universe works. I literally was thinking about someone and then I found them on social media and got to another person and another person and got to the destination that I feel the Universe wanted me to get to. I peeped and, prior to today, I most likely would have been hurt and crying and depressed and moody and pissed off at the world. But today, today on January 16, 2021... 6 YEARS LATER, i am finally content. I saw what I saw and i feel so much healing and happiness. I mean, GENUINE FUCKING HAPPINESS. i am still in shock, which is why im writing about it now. its so fucking funny how things worked out. and then to put the cherry on top, before all this happened on social media, i woke up at 2 am with “No Tears Left To Cry” by Ariana Grande stuck in my fucking head when i woke up and i mean this song was playing repeatedly HEAVILY in my head when i woke up. I feel like my spirit guides were in my head playing this multiple times and wanted me to wake up to experience what im feeling right now. I am so fucking grateful. I am so so happy that i experienced what ive experience, let alone it was the worst days of my life. But my spiritual body knew this was going to happen before i was even born, so its like im finally coming to realization that I was supposed to live this journey on earth in order to heal and fix the karmic cycle of this soul relationship. I truly feel like I wont see this person’s soul in a new lifetime. I believe that we are healed, well i am. I cant speak for anybody other than myself and I feel like I AM FINALLY HEALED from this relationship. I have been through so much fucking hell and demons from this in the physical form. I genuinely locked up my higher self and spiritual body for so fucking long and I won’t ever do that again. I feel like I came to earth to heal and to be free from karmic cycles in my future and I am breaking generational curses. I am successful. I am courageous, I am brave and happy. i am beautiful and loved. I am LOVE. I love and am open to love. I am wealthy and abundant. I am genuine and loving. I am so fucking grateful and happy and growing and learning and healing. I am healed from this 6 year long journey of karmic love. I mean even after being with this karmic lover, I was with terrible trashy people and that is because I didnt know love anymore, I didnt know how to love myself and I FINALLY can say that I love myself so much more now that I can see the red flags. Dont get me wrong though, I still sometimes want to settle because I feel like my soul wants to love someone again, but I KNOW that the beautiful universe will bring me someone when the time is right. Until further notice, self love is my main focus. And honestly, i’ve never loved myself more. I am still learning to love myself fully and slowly killing my ego body. But I am healing and I am loving more and I feel so grateful. Im so thankful. still in shock, i’ll probably be back for more conversation. LOL i love you B <3 

[witchysleepingbeauty]

Hi princess! So imagine this lady who's always ALWAYS being negative abt her kids, never a kind word and only belittling, every other day, like "what did I do wrong really? What kind of kids have I raised? They're bla bla bla" with venom. And worst who doesnt acknowledge how negative + painful she is

When i try to talk to her nd ask her exactly whats the issue with 'me' or how can I help her to ease her burden as she keeps complaining how we're ungrateful or keeps comparing to other 'more acceptable in her eyes" children, she gets defensive nd won't answer properly. She says "ohhh, why don't U know that? arent u old enough to know?' and then starts ranting. when time after time ive begged her to clearly tell me, no passiv agressiveness please! it doesn't work nd i end up wondering why i even bother when im only the villain... Yes this ig is my role in her story that ive writen? confusing 😅

when I can, sometimes i try to help her even tho shes the sort who likes to stay busy so she'll find smth else to do lol, nd inside hope for her to be at least a little NOT negative today.... she either ignores or gets angrier nd goes all "hey, I didn't ask U to do that! How dare u act like u did me a favor! U think ur perfect while im just ur servant right?" when i never even intend that? i effing HATE negative reinforcement nd i feel so damn bad for her, nd shes taught me how negative reinforcement is the worst thing to use, cuz it never teaches anything only builds resentment!!

this is smth i realised that she cant be pleased, she wants to get attention what I mean is, whenever we spend time together, she is perfectly fine when we're talking abt her hobbies nd interests which tbh im NOT that interested in personally but since she likes them i like to discuss them with her nd help her out with projects. not to say "ohhh im so cool i help out with her projects look at me so kind of me! lol" its just it hurts when ur own mother doesn't even rpetend to care abt ur interests. i suspect deep down i carried this feeling of unworthiness ie if even my own mother doesn't care abt my hobbies/projects, no one will . which is why i feel so uncomfortable sharing anything personal to my rl friends cuz im so afraid theyll reject me too :(

By not caring i dont mean I expect her to listen nonstop to me. she has her own life but i mean she purposely zones out, rolls her eyes which HURT SM when i was a child, or even worst she says "im not interested" nd shuts the convo. again, at this point, idec anymore as ive learned slowly to value nd cherish my own value nd hobbies etc which is an important lesson anyway

the only thing i want is to stop her being so painfully negative LOUDLY. Yk I suspect becuz of her dwelling on whats wrong in her life, shes gotten severe numbness nd swelling in one arm? and even the doctors cant detect whats wrong! nd its hella painful nd she can't even lift it up sometimes!!!! THIS GOES ON TO SHOW HOW INNER CONSTANT NEGATIVITY CAN BE REFLECTED IN THE OUTER AKA OUR BODY!! To anyone else who cant help have negative thoughts ONLY, u gotta try to change them! Please! Bcuz my mother's pain in her arm is sometimes crazily too much! Nd this in turn, esp on days where all i hear is her gripe, its worse at night!

Anyway I was compeled to write this as a while ago i went to the kitchen for water nd from her room i heard her loudly complain nd mutter abt how her kids are "socially unacceptable" nd "dear god i pray please please don't let me rely on them in old age, i made a mistake raising them!" She's the sort whos got so many limiting beliefs that initially led to my deep unhappiness w/o knowng it was these beliefs at play eg if you dont become a certain career, youll have no security, or recently she keeps nd keeps lamenting abt not havjng 'enoufh money' (we r having kinda financial crisis due to some rlly terrible decisions by my other parent) or 'oh Im STUCK with this [bad word] family!" when she saw a movie abt someone who went on a trip nd began comparing her own life to it. She's so talented we all ask her to start an online business but she backs away nd says 'how will i ever get capital? im doomed to never have what i want' nd I myself have a bit empty wallet temporarily so i cant help her. Nyway, while im trying to fix my own beliefs, seeing her rage nd let negativity completly take over her is alarming nd worrying to me. it makes me feel negative emotions too. im not entirely confident in mastering my mind ywt. i was that overly sensitive kid at school nd i absorv her energy a lot. Those who u love the most, hurt u the most. nd i agree bcoz while im hurt by her (not that shes intentionally hurting me. THRU her im hurt), i do love her. Nd now thanks to the law ik by changing my beliefs abt things, i can change the world

My reason is i cant change her bcuz she gets hella maddened if i suggest a less negative thought. Nd she instead starts blaming me for my 'decisions in Life' which SHE would NEVERRR make oh no... -_- Nd im not saying i try to be obnoxious abt it hell no! im talking abt getting frustrated at the table talking abt smth abt a random topic, then suddenly listening to her start complaining abt e g. Some kid whos "richer" than i am heatedly! nd if i steer the convo away, nope, she keeps fuming a bit

so since i can only change myself, how the hell do i change my assumptions of her? i affirm having a great mother, happy nd open with her thriving business etc. i affirm this but i cant focus cuz doing so inevitbly makes me sad lol cuz i rmmbr how happy nd liveky she used to be before some unfortunate things in our family that started yrs ago. Which affected us all. Any advice, please? im on a mental diet hwoever the earlier incident of her complaining abt us again caused smth in me to snap. im distancing myself from her but the short times im with her there's only a strong air of disapproval, pain nd misery around her. Tbh i was like that pre-law, not knowing how destructiv my thoughts were, while she was the happy optimistic grateful one. Nd now? Im only slightly more self aware than before ie im NOT saying im able to rise in consiousness SOo much that im 'untouchable' nd buddha-like! Nor is my mom wrong bcuz she's me pushed out! its only her lvl of conciousness nd thats it. its just I don't want to cause or feel more pain or hav any excuse to curse her ,when ego sometimes takes over, anymore. im having some personal issues to take care of too, which is why this is affecting me too much. Sort of like having a weak immune system already?

I want my happy intelligent mom back. ik i got to change me... but the doing is way harder than the saying

🫀anon

Okay first of all imma say it cause I don’t think nobody else will…. Your mom is shitty…. There, I said it. She is abusive and selfish and a bad mom. No parent should ever treat their children that way and make them think they need to fix them.

Other than that yes it’s true she is your manifestation but I think it’s important to let emotions out. Be mad at her for once, stop rationalizing her bad behavior. You have the right to feel mad, angry, sad. YOUR FEELINGS ARE VALID.

I know it seems impossible to keep a mental diet when you see the negative behavior you wish to change every day. I assume you live in the same house. My suggestion is to stick to your mental diet and try to interact as little with her as possible. Go out more often or stay a bit more in your room. Every time you see a behavior from her that you don’t like, and you feel like affirming doesn’t help, close your eyes and see her hugging you and telling you all sorts of beautiful, loving things you’d like to hear from her.

You should also work on your self concept. Parental issues often manifest from poor self concept. Affirmations like “I am worthy, I am loved, I am enough, I am respected, I am cherished” work amazing.

[nofeelingsandallthefeelings]

I felts really sentimental today and as i sat there soberly, or as sober and clear headed as ive possible been since I got back to Nashville, I thought and replayed so many things in my head, I couldn't get out of my head, I kept replaying them. I thought about charlie a lot, I hate it. I wish he would get out, out out out of my head head head but it keeps coming back. I need my rules so i can get a better view, i came up w future convo topics, they just came to me. honestly sometimes i feel like the universe refirms we’re gonna b stable or together in the near future but again, i dont think im ready for any of that actually its been 2 weeks since I have talked to a boy romantically, its good right. 

points: 

-so weird when we met, dragged on and happy about it. it did get really weird and turned into a thing for a minute, so it was hard to wrap my head around it, there wasnt much security on either end of each other so I didnt pursue it but I played with the fine line, like ive never gone to a different city to visit one person like thats pretty serious, it was weird, i know it was for me.. pleasantly. 

-never done that before, not mad about it but since we were ever so changing and time went on, we never got to know each other actually, at least for me, i just picked the fragments of what i experienced and liked what i have. 

- if cool, express how I am working on myself and finding my own stability in the moment and myself in what I want to commit myself to, which is myself..and if you’re willing to be patient, I’m open to being together in the future. 

the less I say the better lmao, i dont need to go off on a tangent or say all my business, all my trials and tribulations, my every single thought, its a set up for manipulation and unintentional vulnerability which is not the good kind, I dont want to tell on myself, I want willing/giving vulnerability, sweet trusting vulnerability. Vulnerability that opens sweetly and slowly, like the first night. 

Idk maybe these people are just the faces of lessons that I get stuck on, I guess they could be themes, it reminds me of the poem albiet they come in different faces but replay the same as the last”.. there’s a disconnect but I digress.

I want to learn my lessons without specific faces... 

wait universe, keep an unpromised word on that one, im being careful on what i wish for...lmao last time I asked for lessons they were brazy, very thankful and grateful but Im holding out on this one .. maybe what I want it to detach specific faces to certain lessons and let it be in the present what it is, not what it was. 

sept 19,2019