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[heypesi]

I’m Sorry..

Tonight’s post is really out of the ordinary with the days and the times I post but do you ever just start cleaning, listen to pandora and just emotion hits you? The past few days ive really been down and depressed about my life with HD. I’ve really been to myself, not really wanting to be around anyone, talk to anyone, just wanted to be alone to cry. Anyways, as i was cleaning, the emotion of feeling sorry just hit me. When i say the emotion of sorry, i am talking about me feeling sorry about many things. Things ive done, feeling sorry for others, feeling sorry for myself..just feeling sorry.. so here goes my rant. 1. I am sorry for the person i have become. I am very proud of myself and my accomplishments and understanding that i need to do things for me and only me. i am sorry that HD has made me selfish when it comes to caring about others at time and putting other things off to focus on me. For a long time, i wanted to make everyone happy. i wanted everyone to like me and if i felt unliked/unwanted i would do anything in my power to turn that around. At this point in my life, i realized regardless what you do, good or bad, not everyone is going to like you. I have become a person that is a lot stronger. I hold myself on a high pedestal and will not settle for anything less than what i know im worth. I’ve pushed my depression from my life before HD away and with this news, over a year ago even though it repeats in my head daily, my depression is back. i may seem like this super busy mom who loves every single day of her life and portrays as everything is okay! and having HD doesnt bother me at all because of how much i love to advocate but i hate this. i hate it all. back to some earlier blog, i hate the HD has become my life. i hate that i have a terminal disease. i hate that i may not want more kids. i hate that i put my child at risk. i hate that my boyfriend feels as if he cant talk to me because he may not know how i will react. i hate that my boyfriend will probably not be able to live the life he dreamed about with me because of HD. I hate my best friend is scared to bring HD up. I hate that this is an elephant that is always in the room. but, I am happy HD has turned me into the person it has. HD has taught me to live my life to the fullest. to always have hope and never regret. HD has taught me to have a passion and love for something that will literally kill me. HD has brought me into an amazing community with amazing people that i may have only met once or twice but the love we share for each other is undeniable. HD has changed me into a person that i never thought i’d be. I never thought my mom and i’d have a relationship like we do. my siblings and i also. HD has taught me to put little things to the side and just love. love my family because we do not know how much time we have with them. i love my family more than words and i want them to know that. 2. im sorry for becoming selfish. this goes off of my first sorry but i really am proud of becoming a person who still loves hard and cares deeply, but i know that the choices i make in my life will be my choices. I will come to a point in my life where HD is going to take over. Honestly, i’m scared as hell for that day. everyday i pray that my results were wrong and im going to get a call saying the lab messed up. everyday i wonder if this is the day HD is going to hit me. this is a constant worry i face. im sorry that i have become selfish when it comes to me caring for myself and not worrying as much about other people and their opinions. 3. im sorry for the people that i have pushed away/left in my past. in my life right now, i have honestly, 3 individuals besides my family that i talk to either daily or weekly. this isnt a one person thing either. this is just checking in with each other, noticing when one is upset or is sad, this is just sending memes because it made you think of the other person. again, back to the first im sorry, this goes along with it. I have alot of people i consider friends but i realized why do things for friends who arent there to support you or check on you, or when you tell them that your mom was diagnosed with HD or when you got those results dont even check to see how youre feeling, or not seeing how your daughter is that everyone obsesses over? not blaming everyone because its two ways but after a point when youre the only one, you give up. I’m sorry if this hits as if you are one of the people i left behind. nothing personal. just after finding out about HD, i really only want to surround myself with positive vibes and happiness. 4. im sorry for the ones who dont know how to talk to me or approach me since the HD. I know this is hard for you and im sorry. i want to let you know,i understand talking about HD is hard, believe me. writing this blog takes more out of me than youd think. i want to let you know, i want to talk about it. i want to answer questions you may have about it. if im having a bad day, i want to talk about it. i dont mention things sometimes to you guys because i dont want to put this all on you. 5. im sorry that my mom feels as if she did this. my mom, while i was growing up, made some shitty decisions but as parents we do that. my mom was a single mom who has a masters degree, worked her ass off as a teacher to support us and get us whatever we wanted. i want my mom to know, although i hate HD and wish this was something that neither of us had to deal with, i never have blamed you. Mom, you changed and touched so many lives while you were a teacher. you lived for your job and students and i want you to know that you did make a difference. mom, i want you to know that i’m sorry you have ever thought i hated you or did not love you. never once have i ever stopped loving you. you have given me the gift of life and i am forever thankful. This blog is just something i needed to write and get things off my chest. this was something i felt i needed to say and express because i feel as if people do not truly understand me and instead of asking, assume. I have become a truly amazing person and i’m so proud of myself. this is something that i never thought i’d ever say about myself. Although i hate HD and everything about it... HD has turned me into the person i am today.

[heypesi]

Backbones

Today I kinda want to take a break from talking about how shitty HD is and can be and talk about love and support. Of course I have my family, no doubt, but without the people in the photo above, I’m not really sure where I’d be. Now, not everyone who supports and loves me are in the picture butttt this most are. I want to start by thanking every single one of you. You all have been by my side through thick and thin, aren't afraid to tell me when I'm f*cking up, let me call or text you and tell you how much my life sucks at time. I honestly do not think I’d be able to do this without you. I remember the first time I met every single one of you and when we really became close. Ronnie, Smurf, Deonte, and Keeshon.. lol The moment I knew we were going to be close was the first Christmas I celebrated with you guys, George and I weren't even dating yet. I was over and we all were cracking up about how you all “flirted with girls” lol I don't remember who said it, but Smurf.. Smurf they came for you lol. “My name is Sean and my social security number is..... I have a credit score of..... I am a current Mechanical Engineering student at WVU.... I like long walks on the beach..” At that moment, I knew you all accepted me. We may argue or not agree on things but in the end, you guys are all my brothers and I love you all more than you know. I support you all through what may be going on in your life and will stand by you no matter what. Ronnie, Mr. Hard Headed, I may not agree with everything you do or say but I love you and support you through every single decision you make. I am so proud of you killing it up SRU and cant wait to be at your graduation. Smurf, I love you so much. I am so so proud of you and how you do not let things bring you down. You’ve been through things that many people cant overcome but youre out here killing it! Taking amazing care of yourself, applying for jobs and even considering grad school. I want to let you know I have your back through it all. Keeshon, keep doing what you are doing. Follow every single dream you have because the sky is the limit. I will support you through it all. D. Oh D lol you are the most motivated person I have ever met. You are literally like the brother I never had. You are always asking how I am and looking out. You are such an amazing person and you give me the motivation to keep doing what i’m doing.  Brad, well Brad, you were a packaged deal with Sean sooo.. sike lol No when we all started going out with each other and how insane you are lol like charging people to get into a house party up WVU.. that was a free party... cool Brad, cool.. lol KAYEMPERK!! Now, you were a packaged deal with D. We weren't close at first but man idk what I'd do without you. You are seriously one of the most strongest, independent, selfless person I have ever met. You care about people more than you care about yourself. I want to thank you for checking in on me and making sure I’m cool at times. You always know when I'm bothered based off of a social media post lol I want to let you know that as much as you care for me, I care for you. I will be here to love and support you through every single thing you do. I am so so so proud of you and the woman you are growing into. Now, I may be crying while I write the last two... Joi Ann. Oh Joi Ann, where do I even start with you. I remember meeting you at Kennywood in the bathroom and then from there we blossomed. We started calling each other while working the rides, to me picking you up and taking you home from work, to us getting our nails done. We were pretty close but we weren't best friends yet. I remember being in the hospital being told I was pregnant and for whatever reason you were the first person I called. No thoughts, just called and asked you to be my baby’s God mom. You didn't believe me at first, I don't think anyone did lol but you said yes without any hesitation. At that moment, I knew you were my best friend. From then to now, it is insane how much we have grown individually and together. When I say you’re my best friend.  You are 100000000% percent. You have been there for me, put up with me and my feelings, tell me when to shut up and really helped me through more than most people know about, well that you and George know about lol I trust you with my life and all my secrets and I know they will be kept safe. I remember you telling me you needed a ride to work so you sent me your location. 1, I thought you were in the hair store lol.. wrong place. As i’m about to walk in you tell me not to cry butttt I came back to you and started bawling my eyes out. I have never had a person love and care about me as much as you have. You were getting an HD ribbon tattoo with my initials... my parents wouldn't even have done that for me.. lol I just want to let you know everything you do never goes unnoticed. You are such a hard working, loving, determined, strong-willed person that will never let anything bring you down. I love love love love you so so so much and honestly want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. ps: youre stuck with me because your initials are tatted on me too.. lol I love you Joi Ann. Finallllllly, last but no least, the biggest butt head of all, goes to the best, strongest, silliest, craziest, loving, side kick of mine, my amazing boyfriend. George Antoine. Now, there are 2 stories of how we met soo we’ll just leave that out lol. Sooooo I just want to start of by saying how much I love you and how in love I am with you. I could not imagine my life without you in it. You have been my backbone from the beginning and honestly, without you, I know I’d be in a very dark place. You and Adrianna give me life. You two are the reason I work so hard, you two are the reason I do not give up, you two are the reason why I truly know how to love. BA, before Adrianna.. lol, I knew from the first moment we kissed that I loved you. I said I love you first and I just want to let you know I do not throw that word around. TBH, I really hate the word love so when I told you I loved you I meant that with everything in me. I want to thank you for never giving up on me. I know I can be hard to handle at times and may even seem like “us” isn't worth it, but I want to let you know that everything you do I notice and appreciate. I may not express how thankful I am at times but just know I am thankful every single second of the day because of you. You, you blessed me with the most beautiful gift in the world. I know you saying Adrianna came because I was having “baby fever” but God has a plan for us and Adrianna was meant to be here. You gave me the gift of determination and hope. Adrianna gives me the determination to push myself and want to do better for her than myself. She gives me hope in the HD community. I never want her to experience what I will go through one day so I am so so so hopeful there will be a cure. You do so much for her and I and I don't think you realize how much you do. You give us so much love and care that we know we will never be alone. You make me feeling like the most blessed woman in the world because I know I have a man that will give us the world. I want to let you know that I am so proud of you and everything you are doing. You are my best friend, my back bone, the love of my life, and my soul mate. Ever since you have entered my life, you have made it better. When I found out of my HD and my mom’s you never have left my side for a second. You make me look at the bright side but will let me hate myself if that's what I need to do. I cant explain how bad I feel either. It is going to be hard watching the person you love go through something that no one has control over. You will have to watch me change into a person that you did not fall in love with and I want to let you know I think about that every. single. day. I want to thank you for not letting this scare you away and to be by my side. I love you so much George Antoine. I want to thank you all for what you do for me and want to let you know so much I love and appreciate you all.