#HEEEEEEEEEEEEADAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSS

[haptureratch]

Birthday Weekend (33rd)

I could just get down on my knees and cry out my appreciation for this man. A trip to Austin including a place to stay, a one-of-a-kind omakase experience, brunch, feral go-karting, thoughtful gifts, and (as always) accepting me when I'm below my ideal self.

It started with racing to the city. I had been dragging all Saturday morning despite being so excited on Friday that I dressed nice to work and didn't sleep a full 8 hours. But I guess staying at work until 9pm will do that to you LOL. Before that, I'd had another psych follow-up....the next med to be trialed is Fetzima. After a prior auth. We all know my anxiety surrounding psych meds but also WE KNOW that I have to keep trying them.

Anyway, getting to Austin. I got there about 30 minutes before he did and spent the time settling in and catching up with Rilley. I spent a good few moments taking in the beauty of the bedroom. So pink, so cozy. So comforting and delicate of an aura with the light diffusing through the pink curtains of the tall windows. The bed: shades of pink and the natural blond of the wooden bed frame. (Later I'd be looking up at the pink tones of his face framed by blond hair and note that I was completely swallowed mind, body, heart, and soul by him and this room.) Then he pulled up in his little black Honda and we hugged. He was sweaty from driving his car for 3 hours with its not-so-great A/C; it gets overwhelmed in these temperatures and just won't put out ice cold air until the sun goes down. Getting inside, I joked with him that I knew why he picked this place, that it was the movie-related art and posters on the walls. But it was also a nice place right off of a popular road. In a neighborhood he said was well-liked for remaining mostly like Old Austin. At some point in the weekend he taught me about Moon Towers.... (maybe it was driving back from picking up pizza after the go-karting)

Once he told me about dinner reservations I shifted into getting ready. He asked if I really needed all of that time to get ready. OO HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT WAS COMING. I started on my make-up and got him into the shower. Partly for the sweat and partly so I could sneak into the gift I got him for our six-month anniversary. Which was that day! The 10th of August. From the adrenaline of sexy conspiracy and the caffeine blood sugar fuckery that comes from not eating since breakfast, I was pretty shaky. But I got it all together. Oh, man.... The look on his face when he saw it. When it clicked together that I'd prepared him something special. Something I thought he'd really like. His face lit up and his hands were magnets to my body. I teased him. We played a little but ultimately I wouldn't let him kiss me too much 'to not ruin the make-up ;)' --agh, if I had known I was going to feel so ill after dinner I wouldn't have teased him so hard. I would have let him enjoy so much more. "You can do anything dressed like that." But anyway-- After some photos and fooling around and a shoe placed suggestively to a crotch, I changed into my actual dinner dress and we hopped in an uber and got to the place. The driver was a little insane, we noted later.

Dinner was wonderful. We had our usual endless conversation and joking, taking turns making fun of each other, making each other laugh.

Then, very unfortunately, so much discomfort and fatigue after dinner. He was so supportive. I still wish it had gone differently, though. I thought I saw pain or some combination of strong emotions when he stood behind me in the bathroom mirror and held me the way he always does.

We woke up and quickly made up for things not had the night before. I asked for him to be gentle. And he was. He always gives what I ask for. With such love. And this time I was the one almost overwhelmed by how powerful our connection is. But only because I still wasn't feeling 100% and had less 'spoons' to eat the moment with. I cried after. I was thinking of how lonely I was for so long and feeling that sadness at the same time I was feeling gratitude for being home at last.

You know.... Pink is becoming a color I think I like. I always preferred blues and green. But he's so pink. And now I have a pink bedframe because I liked the way it looks. And it happens to go so nicely with gray bedding which I also happened to pick out (after I picked it, I learned gray is his favorite color for linens). But luckily he has those blue/green/gray eyes too. My own eyes can never decide what they're seeing. And those two dark spots.

We got to brunch. Then relaxed (he rubbed my feet) and I took a power nap. We made it to go-karting. Played some arcade games while we waited. Just like our first date after the museum and park and food.

I felt accomplished after that. And it was super fun.

Then we picked up pizza on the way home. I showered and we ate. Then he got up and said "okay, time to open presents" .... I don't think I'll ever properly be able to describe his tone of voice. The sweetness kills me to think back on. He had me to to the bedroom for a couple minutes. Then came in and sat on the bed and joked that I was going to go to sleep. I walked back to the main area and saw a few packages wrapped in light pink wrapping paper with darker pink hearts sitting on the 'living room' table. I couldn't believe it. Even after all he curated for me this weekend, there were still gifts. A Diptyque candle--I could not believe paid his own money and got me one of my ridiculous candles that no one but me should ever buy for me lmao but it was also so him because he got me a special edition candle that was only available for a week for the Paris olympics--it is a powdery floral and linen scent. A book-shaped item that turned out to be a picture book of all our photos so far. Well, mostly ones of me. But this makes sense because they're the ones he's taken. I would have rather had most of them be US but I think it was meant to show me how he sees me. Show me his half of our relationship. Remind me that I'm loved and adored by him. The object of his attention. Something to capture. And what I guessed was a stuffed animal puppy (so he could say he got me a dog) but ended up being even better: a wolf. I said I'd put his cologne on it and cuddle it when I missed him. What I'd really need is to get the scent of his under arms on it, but I don't think his blue gel deodorant would transfer well to a stuffed animal. Then I read his card. IT MADE ME CRY SO HARD. I'll put it on here tomorrow or this week. I turned to him and said, "That's so nice." I hugged him tight. And if that wasn't all enough he had a damn Cameo from Chris Pontius. I scream-laughed at hearing him acknowledge that I had written Jackass fanfiction. And it was sooo funny and soooo Pontius the way he kept trying to keep going and hit all these bullet points that were probably written right next to the camera. I could not believe it. 100% fever dream. And a good way to end the gifts after reading that heart-wrenching card.

We went to bed. He asked if he could hold me....he always does ask and he never needs to but I still like hearing it. He said it didn't have to be for long since he knows I've gone back to having difficulty sleeping next to him (after we've been more into LDR territory the past few months). I said I didn't care. And in the morning, after his alarm went off a couple times and we snoozed those couple times, he said in my left ear, "happy birthday" ---- and let me tell you it felt like I've heard it before and I'll hear it every time until one or both of us are no longer here.

It's these moments. This magic. This familiarity even within firsts. These things register him in my mind and in my body as mine. Completely. In the way I've always wanted someone to be mine. The kind of mine I had to mature to have. I had to wait for it. But now that he's here

You know, that's why I think he doesn't feel real some times. He was the one I was always hoping for. It's a little hard to adjust to a space that's finally filled after a lifetime of wishing. To finally see what he looks like. To learn about him. To let him know me.

It's been six months and it only gets more profound. More beautiful. Deeper.

I'm excited to build a life with you, too, Steven.

P.S. some random tidbits I remembered afterward-- it was my "real" birthday this year (I was born on a Monday). Him getting out of bed to get my lip balm for me. The restaurant giving me a card signed by the staff.