#Haven't personally been rejected and misgendered lately

[deliadexaerisofficialuniver-blog]

What trans people are actually saying to transphobes if you’d be so kind as to stop twisting it/shoving words in our mouths/literally contradicting what we’ve already actually said

Basically it’s this: When transphobes on Tumblr talk about justifying misgendering trans people on the basis of not wanting to date someone with a certain set of genitals, and try to invalidate other non-transphobic straight and gay people’s orientations on the basis of the fact that many would date, have even sought out, have dated, or are dating trans people, I always see it coming down to them acting like trans people are saying that the only way to not misgender a trans person is to fuck them... Like they act as though some trans person has actually come up to them and said “fuck me, or you’re a transphobe,” and okay, you can make up whatever bullshit you want, but I just don’t see it happening. I see trans people saying “just because you don’t want to fuck someone doesn’t mean that their gender is invalid.” Y’all act like we are trying to say you can’t say “no,” when, IDK about other trans people, but I feel like being able to say “no” for *ANY* reason, and have it respected is fucking important. If how I should have been able to say “no” to my ex wife when I wasn’t in the mood without guilting is a fucking issue, you should absolutely be able to say “no” to someone you’re not even in a relationship with without it being dissed. The problem is y’all act like some trans person actually came up to you, and was like “you like *insert gender*, and I’m *insert gender,* so you have to fuck me, which would be a ludicrous expectation regardless of whether a person was trans or cis no matter what their gender was (even if entitled cis dudes often do seem to act like it should be that way with straight women, but yay, the joys of misogyny...) all you said was “no,” and they flew off the handle and got all pressuring and rapey at you, and acting like you have to fuck them, otherwise you’re being a violent transphobe, when we all know that’s not what happened. I can’t even imagine such a scene, it’s such a stretch of the imagination. We all know you’re just pissed that someone you aren’t into has the audacity to identify as the gender they are without having the bits that the binary says define whether or not a person is “allowed” to be that gender. I’m not gonna act like no trans person has ever expressed interest in a transphobe and been rejected, but here’s the thing: When you reject a trans person, and choose to go further and intentionally misgender them, like legit say to a trans woman “No, I don’t date men,” (Read “ No, You’re a man.”), or to a trans man “No, I don’t date women,” (”No, You’re a woman,”) which *is* something that actually happens, first off, that trans person is immediately going to lose interest, so taking literally anything they say after that point as though there were any interest remaining at all is a *huge* misinterpretation. Literally nothing a trans person says after you misgender them is coming from a place of interest or attraction. If they naturally respond by correcting your misgendering, you shouldn’t read a trans woman’s “Excuse me, but I’m a chick,” or a trans man’s “I’m not a woman, you ass,” as “But you should date me,” because that is not the intended meaning at ALL, you should take it as “Wow, you’re an ass and you literally did not have to misgender me to say ‘no thanks, I’m not interested,’ ‘no thanks, you’re not my type,’ or literally any other version of ‘No’ which would not be violent.”

The act of saying “no” isn’t what’s transphobic, not being interested is not what’s transphobic, and none of us are trying to imply that it is. The act of misgendering is what we are saying is transphobic.

Even when you choose to misconstrue a statement as simple as “It’s normal for straight men and lesbians to be attracted to trans women,” you’re entirely missing the meaning and tacking what you *want* it to mean on so you can *act* like trans people are saying you’re not allowed to have a preference as to which men or women you do or don’t want to date, when that’s not being said at all. It’s not even remotely intended to mean “You are a lesbian or a straight man, so you should be attracted to every trans woman on the planet, or else you’re a transphobe,” it is intended to mean: “Hey, sometimes when cis people are attracted to a trans person, they freak out when they find out we’re trans, because society told them that it’s not normal, or even for example, makes them gay if they’re a man attracted to a transgender woman, and choose to respond to us for their attraction with violence that sometimes even ends up in trans people getting murdered because society taught them that it’s not normal, so we’re affirming that it is normal, so that less instances of a cis person being attracted to a trans person of the gender they are attracted to will end up in someone being subject to an act of violence like being misgendered, outed, beaten, or even murdered for a normal attraction that’s not our fault, or a ‘lie’ or a ‘trick,’ or a ‘trap,’ and would kindly appreciate if you would stop reinforcing the idea that a cis person *should* feel ‘tricked’ or ‘lied to’ for finding a trans person attractive, by saying that our gender *is* a lie, so that trans panic murders and beatings, and other violent responses to instances of a cis person being attracted to a trans person could, you know, stop happening.”

Is misgendering a trans person the same as murdering a trans person? No, but it’s still an act of violence. You’re attacking that person’s identity and personhood. You are outing them to other people around who may commit physical violence as well, but even in the absence of physical violence, social violence is still violence as well. It’s literally an intentional addition to the exisiting societal pressure to try to convert trans people out of our authentic genders and into the gender you want us to be in order to make the world fit your cut and dry false binary of penis = man and vagina = woman.

You want to talk about conversion therapy? Cool. Creating an environment of constant misgendering is literally one of the primary aspects of attempts at transphobic conversion therapy. My parents pulled that shit on me. Literally any time you misgender a trans person, you are attempting to convert them out of being trans, you’re literally just another brick in the transphobic wall that tries to keep us from transitioning, or even simply living in our identities authentically without finding them under constant assault. Trying to convince a trans woman that she is a man, or a trans man that he is a woman is a direct act of violence, and a denial of the fact that their gender is valid. It’s a psychological assault on someone who’s already spent an entire life being told that their body makes them a different person than who they are inside, and had to work past year upon year of transphobic indoctrination to finally be able to accept themselves, and not fear being themselves. It’s an attempt to shove them back into the closet and dictate who they are “supposed” to be for your transphobic “comfort.” Trans lives are more important than whether or not a cis person feels discomfort at realizing they are attracted to us.

Meanwhile, I can’t think of any example of homophobic conversion therapy trying to use “Okay, you like women? Date this trans woman.” in order to “get the gay out,” which would be *incredibly* illogical considering that the goal of conversion therapy is to get gay people to date cis men if they’re women, or cis women if they’re men, or that a trans person tried to say that lesbians should try out cis men, or gay people should try out cis women. Come to think of it, I can’t think of a time that a trans person has tried to say that people who like women have to date trans women, or that people who like men have to date trans men regardless of whether they are gay or straight, just that it’s normal to be attracted to us, and we’d appreciate it if y’all could learn how to say “no,” without having to add a misgendering on top of it to justify it. You don’t have to justify it. You literally can just say “no.” “But, I said no and I got pushback! (They asked ‘why’ or were like ‘but come on...’ or any other example of pressuring.) ” Okay... That makes the *individual* you’re rejecting an asshole, regardless of gender, and has nothing to do with them being trans. Some women are assholes. Some men are assholes. Doesn’t matter if they’re trans or cis. You still don’t have to misgender them. You can say “I’m just not interested.” You can say “No means No.” You can even just say “What the fuck’s you’re problem, I’m not interested, and I don’t owe you a reason, now fuck off!” If they keep pushing it, they’re, again, being an ass, and you have every right to act like they’re being an ass, but this doesn’t include misgendering them, or otherwise being violent. If someone won’t go away or leave you alone, you have a right to be left alone, get help. If someone invades your space, that’s fucking violent, and you have every right to defend yourself. None of that requires misgendering. The problem isn’t that trans people are trying to force anyone to date/fuck us, we aren’t saying that anyone at all has to, not to mention that plenty of people are already dating/fucking us regardless of your disinterest. The problem isn’t that you’re not allowed to say “no,” you fucking *SHOULD* say no to anyone you’re not attracted to, even if it’s just because you don’t like something about their face, or the way they laugh, and wouldn’t be able to stand dealing with it every day. The problem is that transphobes just aren’t interested in any change in behavior which requires them to stop misgendering us in order to stop being a part of the problem. Y’all act like saying “no” to trans people requires being able to misgender us. It doesn’t. You’re just a transphobic prick who wants to be able to misgender trans people in the hopes that we will convert to being cis. Ain’t gonna happen. Not sorry. Trans women will continue to identify as women. Trans men will continue to identify as men. Plenty of people who like women will continue dating trans women. Plenty of people who like men will continue dating trans men. Be as pissed about it as you want, it’s not your life. Reject as many trans people as you want, you’re a transphobe, you’re literally saving us from making a mistake. Just quit acting like you have to misgender us in order to say “no,” and yeah, expect us to get indignant at being misgendered when you make the choice to misgender us, but if you think that indignance is coming from a place of trying to pushback at your rejection once you’ve made it clear that you’re a transphobic asshole, you’re delusional. No trans person wants to date a transphobe, we just want you to quit misgendering us. You can make a choice not to misgender a trans person without having to date or fuck them. It’s really not that hard.