#Hello I've been going crazy the past few days because I went through the web novel chapters through Google Translate

[thathilomgirl]

   Mia had certainly experienced something far beyond common sense, and she vaguely thinks that only God could do something like that. 　She was just making the most of the opportunities that she’s been given, and there's no lies here. Mia is being honest. "And the reason I started was all because of someone's prayer..." 　Mia gently closed her eyes. 　That memory is now far gone, but it’s a memory that will never fade away. 　On the day Mia was sent to the guillotine... there was someone who prayed for her in the dungeon. 　There was someone who stood by her and was kind to her until her last day... 　 Anne prayed for God's protection for me just as I was about to be executed. If you think about it, it's no exaggeration to say that everything started from then.

-Part 8, Chapter 140

[ghost-in-the-hall]

Posting Update!!

TW: mentions of weight loss (positive) and body dysmorphia, past trauma non-specific just mentioned, personal junk rant under the cut, above is general information about the posting update

Hello hello! I have finally returned for an update! Things have been crazy for me recently, so I apologize for the delay in the new chapters, but they are still being worked on! I don't have a definite posting date for anything yet, but I'm shooting to have something out by next week! If you would like to hear a little bit more about what's been going on in my life that's below! Just under the cut so no one is caught off guard by the TW's above, it's also a little long because I'm a rambler lol, but overall a lot of exciting stuff is happening on my end!

I go to see Powerwolf in 3 days, which as some, if not most, of you probably know if you've been around here for a while, is my favorite band of all time. That, paired with the fact that this is the first big event I'll be going to since I started my hot girl glow up last year has been making me a little insane lol.

August 19th, 2023, I saw Ghost live, which absolutely changed my life. I remember vividly I had just recently found out I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life, and as someone who's constantly had to deal with body dysmorphia for as long as I can remember, it really made my self esteem take a huge hit. I had this whole plan to dress up and be all hot and sexy for the concert, which I did, but all I could focus on was how much weight I had put on, it was super frustrating and if I hadn't gotten VIP passes I honestly might have gone home because I was just not feeling it. But, we went, I made it all the way up to the barrier. I had an amazing time flirting with Phantom and Sodo (I'm sure they weren't flirting back but I like to let my delusional little brain believe lol) and throughout the night my heart felt so full, it was amazing. There was one point Papa came out singing He Is (my personal favorite) and, again probably delusional but whatever, there was one point where he walked over to my side of the stage, and I was reaching out for him and our eyes met, he reached his hand back out to me and something in my head clicked... This man preaches about acceptance, treating others with kindness, would Papa treat me the same way I treated myself? The answer was absolutely the fuck not. So, from that point forward, I made a conscious decision to treat myself better, I wanted to become so hauntingly beautiful that I would be able to catch Papa's attention if I ever make it back to the barrier for one of their shows lol. That really started to ramp up when PW announced their US tour.

I bought these tickets in February, I fully stopped in the middle of whatever I was doing at the gym to go camp out in the locker room for the pre sale at like 9 in the morning, got the tickets for the front floor because my friends and I are once again trying to make it to the barrier, and went of my fucking God, Falk. In my mind, I had an end goal now.

From that point forward The Hot Girl Glow Up truly began. I'm down 40 lbs, I've put on a shit load of muscle from going to the gym a few times a week, I've recently picked up yoga and I LOVE IT! But, it went so much farther than just the weight loss. I've been a lot kinder to myself, I have a lot of things that happened to me in the past I still need to heal from, and that scared, hurt younger version of me is still trying to find a soft place to land in my mind so she can rest. And a big part of my journey so far is really getting to the root of why I'm holding all of these bad feelings towards myself, which has been its own web that needs to be carefully unwound. Because getting healthy and losing weight is great, but I don't want to get there by bullying myself. The body heals through compassion and stillness, we cannot heal a body we hate. That's something I picked up in yoga the other night, think I'm gunna keep that in my pocket for a bit.

I know I don't owe anyone any explanation for why it takes me so long to get updates out, but I'm not posting updates not because I don't want to, that's the farthest thing from the truth. To put it simply, I give a shit about myself now. I can't spend all day sitting in front of my computer, staring a blank screen, waiting for the ideas to come while I shove nothing but fast food in my face and don't take care of myself physically, mentally, or emotionally, that's where I was at before all of this. So, I do apologize for the lack of updates, I promise just because I've slowed down doesn't mean I'm stopping any time soon lol.

Hopefully after PW I'll be back to a more consistent schedule. Between all of my classes, and the gym, and work, and trying to sew the last part of my concert outfit and make jewelry, and do practice makeup, and hair trials, and meeting up with my friends to plan their outfits and makeup and so we can go shopping for all of this, I've just been very busy lol. But, the update is still coming, we just gotta get there!

[hashtagsmitty]

Smitty's Thailand Adventure - Day 5

Jesus God and Christ Almighty, this platform and this web connectivity and this city. This is the third time I've tried to write and post this entry. I wrote one that I tried to upload all night last night, using up half of my remaining bandwidth. The tumblr app kept saying "something went wrong, we'll try again in a few minutes." except every time it tried again, it uploaded the images and video again. Then I wrote another one this morning, same issue. Damn it.

My solution to the problem is to save every post as a draft before I post it, and include fewer photos. I'll put everything in a big album if anyone wants to look at it later.

Anyway. I woke up with a nosebleed at 5:30. I felt a runny nose; I wiped it with my hand, still runny, I blew my nose into my hand, big splatter of blood. Thankfully, it sealed off pretty quick, but nosebleeds always wipe me out for a few hours. I cleaned up the blood and went back to sleep.

Breakfast at Pauline Hanson's One Nation and White Family Mart. Josh showed me an upstairs area I didn't know existed the day before, so I ate up there and planned out the day. I eventually decided to walk around Emporium for a while.

On my skytrain line (the Sukhumvit line, which is the bigger of the two lines) there are two stations with huge shopping centers attached. The one next to my station is Emporium, which is split into two smaller parts, Emporium and Emquartier. Emquartier is split into 3 Quartiers, each of which I can't tell you the names of but they're all sufficiently fruity. They're all about as big as the Emporium in Melbourne. It's a huge complex. The other shopping center, Siam, is even bigger though.

I walked around there for a while. I noticed two things:

There were way too many people working. The place was deserted, but every store was open with stacks of employees. There are too many people employed by EVERY Thai business as a rule, but this took the cake. I saw a travel agency with 7 people working. No clients. In every elevator, there was a bell boy pushing buttons. Every restaurant we've been in this week has at least 3 people standing around doing nothing. It's insane!

Consumerism - the amount of shit being sold as high-end is crazy. The aspirational class in this country is REAL. It's such a trip to go from relative poverty to extreme displays of wealth on the same street.

Anyway. I found this cool garden space upstairs and hung out there for a while. Awesome views of the city, and really peaceful. Except, in classic Asian style, there's an arcade in there and they're blaring pop music.

I eventually sat down in a food court and read some more Growth Mindset. Josh texted me eventually and I headed out on the skytrain. We met up and walked our lunch destination - a cheesy 50s American diner. Espy met us there a few minutes after we arrived.

The decor was almost there - like 80% of the details were there. The windows were too high, the lighting was off, some of the neon was broken... But pretty good. The food was okay.

We spent most of the meal chatting. Espy is sick and Josh was giving her shit for not taking her antibiotics. They decided to get some from a pharmacist first chance they got. Pharmacists in Asia will sell you anything - there's no regulation and no requirement for a prescription from a doctor. Josh buys his testosterone treatments (some hormonal imbalance, not juicing) over the counter. It's odd.

During the meal, it was decided that I had to experience the movies in Thailand. And sadly, the only thing worth watching was Bumblebee. We caught the skytrain to Siam. Siam is the fancy shopping center - if Emporium is Melbourne Central or Highpoint, Siam is Crown Casino. We went to the cinema and sat down during the advertisements because Espy thought it'd be faster to use the escalators, even though we used the lifts to get to the cinema when we did VR there. We walked past the lifts on our way in. Come on.

The movie and ads were in English, with Thai subs. Subtitles don't distract me, so no worries. Before the movie started they played a video honoring the king. The king is youthful and vibrant, and a paragon of masculinity. Long may he rule. Of course, one cannot forget his father the late king, who sadly passed two years ago. He was a beacon of wisdom and justice and led Thailand through many years of prosperity.

We all had to stand up during the video to show respect. Espy nudged me as they were all standing up.

The movie was a movie. It had characters. Some of them developed. There were emotional moments and silly moments. The acting and CG were actually pretty good, but it was a transformers movie. The fights were boring, predictable, and definitely didn't matter. The male love interest got told at the end of the movie, when he went to hold the protagonist's hand, that they weren't quite ready for that yet. But she also took his shirt off while Bumblebee was driving for them, so I don't know what to make of that. Partial nudity must be first base and hand holding is second, in this new topsy turvy world.

After the movie we did some window shopping, looking mostly at technology stuff. Espy wanted a PS4 - it cost $600 over here. Josh said he'd get her one from Australia. We walked past some Pokemon plushies and I went to look at them. There was a giant Lapras plushie and one of my new students says he loves Lapras, so I had an excuse. I still got laughed at by a pair or passing teenaged girls.

We got back on the train after buying nothing. It was pretty packed, I could barely move, but Josh insisted that it wasn't nearly as bad as peak time. Josh had to meet with Bill to discuss business, so I got off at my stop and went back into the Emporium. There was a Nandos knock-off that I wanted to try.

It was my first time negotiating a restaurant on my own in Thailand. The only Thai I've managed to work out is thank you - K̄hxbkhuṇ khrạb. I've been saying it as Cap hoon cap, and I'm not 100% sure that's right. At lunch me and Josh were deliberately mispronouncing stuff, but I'm pretty sure that's right. Anyway, I used a combination of English and gestures and managed to get through alright. The chicken was ok, but the waitress messed up my order and got me spicy rice instead of chips, so no comment there.

I went home and started typing this the first time. Bloody tumblr.

Oh! A massage girl acknowledged me on the street! Two in fact. One said "hello", and another made kissy noises at me. I ignored them both, but it was nice to be validated like that.