#His mom figure tells him he's a waste of a soul literally daily

[lettherebemonsters]

" I never had a dad....or a mom....and I turned out fine! Hehe.....right?"

[goldentournesol]

The Receptionist and the Profiler (Five)

Chapter Five: Royal Blue Napkins

(Spencer Reid x f!Reader)

Series Masterlist

General Masterlist

A/N: i have totally reinvented the timeline of the show, just go with me. also...this chapter will take you on a RIDE.

Going home that night and getting into bed with her fiance was difficult for Y/N. Of course she knew it was technically wrong to have kissed Spencer back, but the problem is that she enjoyed it so much. Too much, probably. And that was alarming. Was it just because she was bored of kissing the same person for the past...what..11 years and just needed a (really) good kiss before she spent the rest of her life kissing the same man? Or was it because she knew that every neuron in her brain was usually firing at top speed at the near mention of Spencer Reid let alone finally know how her brain acted (nearly exploded) while kissing him?

The wedding was less than a month away now and Hotch was gracious enough to allow Y/N extra time out of the office, when things were calm, to meet with her wedding planner to finalize some decisions about the cake, venue, napkins, all that good stuff. In the middle of it, she caught herself wondering whether or not Spencer would like the color of napkin she chose, instead of her actual fiance. That was enough, the thought of Spencer now invaded officially every aspect of her life. She didn’t know what to do so she cornered JJ one day in her office and hurriedly shut the door behind her.

“JJ, I am freaking out about all this wedding stuff. I-I don’t know if I picked the right color for the napkins, oh God, I don’t even like royal blue! I just picked it because Grant likes it but what if it sucks because I don’t actually like it and it doesn’t match with the centerpieces and I-” she rambled but JJ promptly cut her off.

“Hey! Y/N, relax, take a seat. Take a deep breath.” Y/N followed her suggestions that felt more like orders and JJ watched her carefully, she wasn’t a profiler but she spent enough time around them to have picked up on subtle clues. She knew the woman sitting in front of her was an anxious mess and it was not about the napkins, “Now, tell me what’s wrong.”

“I don’t know if I like the napkins, JJ.” Y/N’s brows came together and she suddenly felt like crying, she couldn’t explain it, but she felt it.

“Y/N, you and I both know that napkins don’t make or break weddings.” JJ sent her a pointed look and Y/N began to feel small. She picked at her nails.

“Yeah? Well what does?” Y/N asked vaguely.

“What breaks weddings is an absence of love, Y/N.” She said simply and Y/N couldn’t help the frown that crept up on her face, but the blonde said nothing more.

The walk back to her desk was spent trying with extreme difficulty to not split her lip open from biting it too hard. The energy in the entire office was off, although Spencer has a new specific energy to him. He seems lighter somehow, he feels lighter too. Morgan doesn’t know exactly what happened between them but he could sense the shift in Reid’s behavior.

They’ve interacted, though briefly. Spencer pretended there was nothing wrong between them, while Y/N mulled over every interaction. Spencer literally had nothing left to lose, she’d made her choice and he’d accepted that, made peace with it even. He’d even gone as far as putting himself out there on the market. It was time to move on. There was just one aspect of the upcoming month that would make it extremely difficult to do so, so he made a decision.

“Hey, Y/N. Could I talk to you for a second?” Spencer said, leaning with his elbows over her desk as it neared their lunchtime.

“Yeah, of course, just one second... just saving this document. What’s up?” She smiled as she stared up at him, she was sure her heart was about to light on fire in her chest with the mere eye contact.

“Um, so you know how I’ve been meaning to visit my mom back in Vegas for a while now but I haven’t got the chance?” He began, idly playing with one of the candies in the candy bowl that was placed for guests.

“Yeah, of course! Are you planning on going?” She smiled wider, knowing just how much love this man had in his heart for his wonderful mother. Y/N had met Diana when she came into the office a few years back, actually she was the only one who Diana allowed to spend time with while the rest were in the field. Apparently, Spencer had told her more than enough information about Y/N before in his daily letters. Diana liked her years before she even met her.

“Yeah, I’m taking a week off, actually. I’m gonna spend it with her, I’ve missed her a lot.” The corner of his mouth twitched upwards slightly as he thought of the week off.

“That’s so awesome Spencer! Will you tell her how much I’ve missed her, oh, I know! I’ll just write her a letter and you can take it with you. When are you going by the way? Do I have time to write it?” She worried slightly, grabbing a pen in preparation and making Spencer laugh lightly at her excitement.

“Yes, yes you’ll have time. I’m leaving on the 16th of August, already booked the ticket.” His voice faltered slightly as he said the date.

“Wait, the 16th? But that means…” He won’t attend the wedding.

“I know, I’m sorry I can’t make it.” He genuinely frowned, knowing just how upset this would make her. Despite their feelings for one another, they were the closest of friends.

“Th-that’s okay! Um, we’ll just send you all the, uh, pictures and stuff.” Her bright smile faltered and Spencer swore he heard a tremble in her voice, the one she made when she was trying to hide how upset she really was.

“Yeah, send me all the pictures, I’m really sorry again, Y/N.” He sent her a look of sympathy, but she understood, he didn’t want to be there.

“No, no it’s okay. I get it, there’s only so many other weeks in the year you could take off, I guess.” she laughed bitterly, very obviously hurt, “Um, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go now. I have something um, for Hotch--Hotch asked for something.” She picked up a random file from her desk and quickly made her way across the bullpen and Spencer’s eyes stopped following her when she entered Hotch’s office. He released a heavy sigh and turned on his heels to leave the building for a lunch that was anywhere but there.

“What can I do for you, Y/N?” Hotch asked, barely looking up from his file at first but then her silence intrigued him to look up, spotting her watching from the window as Spencer left, “Everything alright?” His voice startled her and he immediately took in her glassy eyes and the nervous trembling of her fingers.

“Huh? Oh, um, yes, everything’s fine. Did you...ask for these?” She took a look at what she’d actually picked up and realized they were a bunch of useless forms that the unit chief certainly did not need to waste his time on. It was hard to hide his smirk, having figured out what had happened.

“Do you need to take a seat, Y/N?” He saw right through her, of course he did. She drew in a deep, shaky breath and shook her head.

“Did you know?” She asked in a small voice.

“He ran it by me, yes. I have to approve his time off. If it’s any consolation, I tried to-” He begad, but she interrupted.

“No, please. I’ve heard enough. Thanks Hotch.” She frowned as she made her way out of his office, praying that her tears would--just for once--stay within her waterline.

After that, Y/N barely spoke with Spencer. She found it hard to find the line between being upset with him and understanding why he’s doing what he’s doing. On one hand, she selfishly wanted her best friend to be at her wedding, but on the other, she understood that that was a huge thing to ask from the other man who loved her. He loved her. He loves her. That’s mind boggling to Y/N. Spencer loves her? Even almost 3 weeks after his confession, it’s all she can think about. He’s in love with her.

It was almost time for him to leave for Vegas. Despite her anger with Spencer, she still wrote Diana a letter. Upon finishing and sealing it, she realized she hadn’t even mentioned the wedding once. The (supposedly) single most important event that she would ever attend in her lifetime hadn’t even crossed her mind. She didn’t even give him the letter, she just left it on his desk for him to take. Despite that, Spencer still smiled at the fact that she’d written his mother a letter. His curiosity was killing him, but he’d just ask his mom what she’d written. At the end of the day before he left, he paused at Y/N’s desk, but she refused to look up.

“Bye, Y/N. Um, congratulations in advance.” Spencer spoke, clutching his messenger bag tightly, hoping she’d just look at him once. Hoping he’d get to see her eyes one last time before her soul was tied to another man’s for the rest of eternity.

“Bye, Spencer...have a safe flight.” She replied quietly, busying herself with whatever she was working on on her computer. A beat passed between them as Spencer waited to meet her eyes, but the moment never came. Pre-love confession Spencer would have gone on and on about how he technically had no control over whether or not it would be a safe flight, but now...now he knew his voice was the last thing she’d want to hear. His shoulders involuntarily slumped as he began to walk away from the love of his life. He knew he couldn’t be at that wedding, he just knew it. Hasn’t he been through enough already? Was life that adamant about making him hurt so badly?

But alas, fate was never on their side. Moments before boarding the plane to Vegas and barely three days before her wedding, the team was called in for an emergency case. She had taken a few days off before the wedding to get everything sorted and thankfully, the case was local so she didn’t have to book any hotel rooms or coordinate with the pilots of the jet. 

She had invited Garcia out with her to get a bridal manicure and pedicure on her lunch break, since she was the only one available.

“Pen, are you sure they don’t need you right now? I don’t want to interrupt the case.” Y/N signed into the phone.

“Trust me, Y/N/N, they don’t need me right now, besides this is the least I could do. All your plans for the week-of have been kinda ruined by this case. I wanna help you out the best I can! So I’m picking you up in 10 and we’re getting our nails done.” Y/N knew better than to argue with Garcia so she relented.

Near the end of their appointment, Garcia got a call from Hotch, “He’s what?! Oh no! Is he okay?! He’ll be okay, right?” Garcia half-panicked, sending Y/N right into a panic with her. Garcia paused and Hotch spoke over the phone, “Okay, we’ll be there as soon as we can.” She hung up and took a deep breath.

“Garcia, what happened! Is everyone okay?” Y/N asked hurriedly.

“Uh, no...actually Reid got shot in the field. The unsub shot him in the knee while trying to aim for the victim.” Garcia spoke slowly so as to not alarm her, but it was too late, Y/N was already pulling her hands away from the nail tech, who was almost done.

“WHAT?! Garcia! We have to go now! Is he okay?! Is he in the hospital? What hospital is he at? I’ll drive.” Y/N panicked, her breathing getting more and more shallow by the second.

“Y/N/N, calm down! Calm down! He’s fine, okay? He’s in surgery and you should absolutely not be driving right now. Take a few deep breaths please.” Her emotions were already all over the place because of the damn wedding, and now she had to worry about Spencer getting shot? Oh Lord, it was too much for her to handle.

“Garcia, I think I’m gonna pass out.” Y/N fanned her face and the waterworks began. Garcia quickly asked the nail tech if she could get Y/N some water.

“Oh! Oh, Y/N, baby don’t cry, please. He’ll be okay, he’ll probably be on crutches for a while but he’ll be fine.” Garcia tried to console her but the tears just kept coming. Y/N should have felt embarrassed whilst sobbing in the middle of the nail salon, but she was too overwhelmed to care at the moment. 

“I’m so sorry Garcia, it’s just all too much. I don’t want royal blue napkins, Garcia! I don’t even think I want a damn wedding! And I-I can’t believe Spence just got shot! This all just feels so wrong! You know what, this is all just one big warning sign from the universe, isn’t it?! And--and I don’t even want to marry Grant!” She blurted randomly in her fit of tears and she stopped crying out of realization of what she’d just confessed. Garcia gasped and her friend met her eyes, they stared at each other for a moment before Y/N broke out into tears again at the confession.

It was true.

She didn’t want to marry him.

Garcia apologized profusely to the nail techs and paid quickly before leading an almost hysterical Y/N out of the salon. 

Y/N clung to Penelope and sobbed into her shoulder on the sidewalk, “I don’t want to marry him, Garcia.”

“Y/N, the wedding is tomorrow.” Garcia’s eyes welled up with tears at the sight of her friend being so broken. Y/N shook her head and sniffled loudly, “Are you sure you’re not just super upset about Spencer getting shot?” Garcia continued, wanting Y/N to be absolutely sure of what she’s deciding.

Y/N pulled away from the embrace and stared at her friend, “M-maybe? I don’t know, I-I don’t know, Pen. Oh God, the wedding is tomorrow.” Y/N covered her face with her hands and tried to rub away all the stress and tears.

“Okay, okay, calm down. Here’s what we’ll do. We’ll go see Spencer and make sure he’s alright, then you can take all the time you need to decide whether you want to call the wedding off or not, alright? How does that sound?” Garcia reasoned with her, slowly trying to remove her hands from her face.

Y/N nodded and took a few deep breaths, wiping away the last of her tears, “Let’s go see Spencer.”

When they’d arrived at the hospital, Spencer wasn’t out of surgery yet. The team was waiting around in the hospital chairs. The hospital felt cold, so unbelievably cold. Maybe it was Y/N literally getting cold feet. The team decided not to ask about the unmistakable redness around her eyes and nose. They just chalked it up to being scared for Spencer, but it was so much more than that. 

She hadn’t even looked at him before he left. She hadn’t seen his eyes or his face so full of its color in so long. When the Dr. announced he was out of surgery and that he should be waking up any minute, the team had decided to let Y/N in first. The sight of him sleeping in the hospital bed made her stomach lurch. She found it hard to contain her tears. It was almost as if her hand had a mind of its own as it reached out to smooth down his wild hair and caress his cheek. She pressed a soft kiss to the side of his head and watched as his eyelids fluttered slightly, but stayed closed. She swallowed heavily and wiped her eyes before walking back out to the team.

“He’s not awake yet, but I, uh...have to go. There’s something I need to take care of. Pen, update me when he wakes, please.” Y/N tried as hard as she could to even out her voice, but it trembled with every other word. Garcia nodded and before anyone could even say a word, she was out of the building. She checked the time and saw that Grant’s shift wasn’t over yet, and she had the house to herself for a bit.

As soon as she made it in, she picked the two biggest suitcases she owned and began to fill them with her things. She’d spent over 7 years in this apartment with Anderson, so many memories and so many laughs were spent here. 

But she couldn’t do it anymore. 

She didn’t want to have to go through a divorce, she couldn’t go through that. She’d rather not marry him at all. Within two hours, she had packed 7 years worth of her life into two huge suitcases. It was sad and she shed more than a few tears mulling over memories. But she saw her future and it wasn’t with Anderson. She placed the suitcases near the doorway and sat at the kitchen table, waiting for him to come home. Surely enough, Grant came through the door at exactly 5:53 pm, just like he did every day.

“Babe? You home? Hey, whose bags are these?” He said, slipping off his shoes and walking into the kitchen, “Is everything okay, Y/N?” He asked, spotting her in the kitchen with a glass of red wine and tears gathering in her eyes.

“What’s going on?” Anderson frowned.

“Um, so...I’ve been thinking. A lot, actually. And I kept asking myself why we waited so long to finally get married. We got engaged in college, Grant. That was ages ago. Most people get married like, right after graduation, but we didn’t do that. We moved here together, I shifted my entire life to fit with yours and yeah I have a great job, but I’m not happy.” She paused to sniffle, “And I think I’m not happy because this isn’t the life I want for me. I think we waited so long because we secretly didn’t really want it to happen, if I’m being honest. But now that it’s happening, I don’t think I can do it. I’m sorry. I just don’t see my future with you.” She frowned as tears clouded her vision. She temporarily let go of her wine glass to slip off her engagement ring and place it in front of him.

“I’m calling off the wedding.” She stated with finality. He looked devastated.

“Y/N, is this a joke?” He frowned, anger settling in.

“No, it’s not a joke, Grant. I’m so sorry. I’ll try to get back whatever I can from all the money we’ve spent on everything, but I’m leaving. Thank you for giving me so many irreplaceable memories. They mean more than you know.” She wiped her tears and got up from her seat.

“Wait, so does this mean you’re quitting the job?” He asked, still in awe of the situation.

“No, I’m staying at the BAU, I love it there, Hotch is a great boss.”

“So that’s it? You’re leaving me?” For the first time that night, his eyes welled up with tears.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m staying with Penelope until I can find a place to rent.” They hugged one last time and she took her things and left. 

Just like that. 

And she’d never felt lighter. She’d never felt more free.

***

Anderson had requested a transfer to a different unit and so they barely saw each other at work. Everything was going really well actually. Over the past two weeks, she allowed herself only one day of wallowing but her priorities were finding a new apartment to live in. They’d already spent so much money on the wedding, so it was difficult to be spending at the moment, but thankfully Garcia’s freezer was full of individually packed meals from the catering company. She lived off those so far and it’d probably stay that way for the next few months or at least until she found her own freezer to fill with individually packed meals.

She hadn’t seen Spencer since that day in the hospital because apartment hunting in DC turned out to be a nightmare. But it’s fine, she’s been getting all her information from Garcia since she’d been performing daily checkups on him since he’d started his medical leave. Apparently, the ever-so-stubborn Spencer decided to continue giving his guest lectures even on his crutches. Ever since Rossi joined the team, he’d been taking Spencer to different universities and they’d often give lectures together. Y/N should’ve been glad that he’d been leaving the house, but it was so hard not to worry about him. He should be coming in today, his two weeks of medical leave are technically over, but he can’t go out into the field yet.

Also, the team was about to get a new member. Y/N was super excited, she was the one who got to show new members around the office and introduce them to everyone. She was also super excited to finally see Spencer. The ding of the elevator sounded and Y/N leapt from her seat upon seeing Spencer waddle in on his crutches through the glass doors, which were being opened for him by a young-looking blonde woman.

“Spencer!” Y/N exclaimed, bounding over to him and making sure to hug him gently as to not topple him over or hurt him.

“Hey!” He smiled, attempting to return the hug without his arms.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re finally back! The place was starting to get a little depressing!” She smiled, a new happiness filling her. She only noticed the woman standing so close to Spencer when she pulled away.

“Thanks, it’s great to be back.” He smiled at her fondly, resting on his crutches. “Oh, Y/N, this is Agent Ashley Seaver. She’s the newest member of the BAU and actually my girlfriend.”

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[myheartbeatskids]

So Declan loved me and we talked about science and lab babies and clones and all that. So He told me he loved me because i was the first person to really really listen and understand as opposed to being the one to teach.

And so he had understood what he was taught then developed and built upon it correctly with help from his own brain and God. And del Muerte whom helped me understand as well cause that shit was mind blowing.

So he asked me to have his soul mate. To give birth to her.

And I was pretty much dragged out and Declan ran the show after that.

I agreed but it was more like a thing where i had to focus and talk instead of fainting.

So Matt actually helped to implant because I have an upturned uterious and so things like that are painful because of the rigidity and non flexible as i need materials used while Jeremiah comforted and helped me relax.

So then essentially i was kidnapped.

Declan is part clone and part Neanderthal.

Annabelle is part clone and part Neanderthal.

So some of us from Michael Jackson's boarding school --- although I wasn't i stayed there alot on my own. So i was part of it, unofficially as i am a civilian doing military shit now. --- have clones in a laboratory. But they are miniature human size as they are kept in barbie size containers.

Since Declan was a clone Jesse gave permission to make, they said i should use a clone.

It took 5 eggs until Declan approved the child that would be created in the embryo. Del Muerte communicated to us what God said.

Most males get their soul mates at age 7. Declan was only 2 years old. So God hadnt had enough experience to program or create his perfect soulmate.

So it just so happened it was 2 years of plus 5 embryos which makes the year 7 while added together.

So when Annabelle was born Declan came to get me and her but my now ex-husband got me all fucked up and i had amnesia and all that and i remember the power struggle type issues while signing the birth certificate which is why i get child support as my ex swore bla bla bla and signed papers to those statements but I was all "Dude while he's signing let's run!" Because he pissed me off during that time and i was all no hes wrong and all... But I guess I was scared of him or his aura csused me confusion or Idk. I remember feeling sick.

So craziness. We are 16 years late. And unfortunately yet fortunately a lot of research was done and i have a lot of government apology money coming my way. Which i don't have yet.... But soon.

This is Cambria AvaLynn named after Alexis Dejoria.

Because Matt's parents were into hiding, they named him after a mat. A common object so in case of ESP feom the people they hid from they would think "welcome mat" like welcome to travel with us son named Matt. Welcome to eat at the dining table, Matt. Well, come, Matt.

So came or come because i would always want to see Matt so I would say "You came!!!" When i saw him and hug him and he would say "welcome"

And Bria after me.

Turning the x into a v (for Victory) and Lynn as in the 80s most of my friends on the military base i lived on has Lynn as their middle names. So to remind me she is a friend.

She's my child that was ectopic due to the sponges Jamie & Doug Otis found and reminded us of. But we went to the hospital because i began to hemmoragge and they were able to save her and her twin.

Then my mom killed her and he died naturally as he was in ICU TO experiment on them being raised/healed as premies temporarily as one within an incubator and the other skin to skin contact. As woman need to be comforted more, we picked Ava to bring home.

They were the first experiment with soul mates being born as twins. Both clones of my and Jeremiah and his being Ava and my being the male Andrew.

Andrew after Jesse... "And he drew" cause he was always drawing beautifully.

And the other clones were of Jesse James and Alexis.

Alexis got kidnapped by her dad and so the story goes... I did too Eventually

Jeremiah's dad helped us as the grandparent in house.

This is Declan.

He told Jeremiah "I'm not the one sitting around waiting with a pouted lip waiting for someone to do it for me. Now i found the woman and go get my kid!!"

Dude WTF I'm not having someones kid... I'm only 21!!

"Now im the man around the house and what I say goes!!! And you are going to have my kid!!"

Dude whatever. So i did dream into the lab with them but... I thought we were just playing and so i agreed and so next thing i knew there was a frozen child ready to be implanted. Thus my ability to be kidnapped so easily...

Cause when a kid is all telling you about clones and labs and shit... And you're hearing voices... that shit is insane. Literally.

So i didn't take it seriously enough.

But Declan is only 19 Now. And my kid is 16.

So it's old enough to have a romantic relationship. To avoid issues i had as a child with social services.

The plan was to have them grow up as friends but also believed it may been too dangerous....

Yet I still don't agree that it was.

However for the last 10 year's I have been working daily for my amnesia to be solved and also saving the world (of NHRA especially) at the same time.

And have earned multiple Nobel Peace Prizes which i have yet to receive.

So working on law enforcement and the military and government, about to break into the public school system and tear that up ;) as a civilian has earned me billions of dollars i have yet to receive....

But i have given away as i can and have bought businesses that I want.

As proof that the government does care about all its people's hopes and dreams they have bought them on my behalf and am gsining bank! And i shop st my own businesses too... Ironically! I been shopping at Loves for nearly a year... went into Speedway a few times now i drive an extra 5 miles just to shop there because i like it more!!

Robert, the shift manager finally told me tonight as I bought all the GIANTS for my Giant 6'7" man. And i turned the ones in Valencia County to Speedway in honor of Aaron and Paul (twins) who wanted to show the dangers of meth and the meth community as they honored me with my idea of how to end Breaking Bad with the movie reel of El Camino (the mother road) of the manner of the psychological reality of life gone wrong.

I freak Robert out... He was worried when he saw me there that I was to audit like a monster, fire everyone and work the cash register and store myself.

So tonight he saw I bought milkshakes (not available at Love's) figured it out and gave me a pack of smokes for free and blurted out why.

So i took all the giants as i always do and fucked them all up and made them better.

So i own them till i make my money back on the businesses and then they get given to who I intended it for... As I do double check they will always be worthy... If not i keep them for me because I was being good snd honest and fair the whole time.

So 360° K i own.

So i only compete with Love's whom I always promised the King's Highway to... You know him... As an old time Western Thug bitch ass womanizer player. Motorcycle Guru. Hot Rod extraordinaire. Texas loving son of a gun. Jesse James Smith! Just kidding... Just regular old ole fogie mad scientist Jesse Gregory Smith. Of West Coast Choppers. Which i own and always have as i put up the money for his business intending to always be in his life and helping him. So my apology... The only one i can ever give as i can't predict the future without help is Love. And he loves everyone and won't let Google tell.

I bought every gas station in the country as we will be switching to electric and hydro electric and non fuel and solar and hybrid autos by 2030. So the previous owners have a nice retirement and no stress. As the storage oil facilities that were shot in Saudia Arabia were actually empty. I own them.

Fossil fuels are actually the blood of dinosaurs and other dead bodies that are converted and broken down and dehydrated by plant life...

I found that out by the eternal bushes burning.. I mean growing... here on the mountain. Tumble weeds otherwise known as thyme. And we found via satellite tons of skeletons by Earth xrays under the bushes and some not as they are closer to the Earth surface. I found a wooly mammoth knuckle bone.

We moved here in 2002 and there was a patch of earth that looked like concrete by the mail boxes and we just drove over them assuming that's what it was.

They were mummified wooly mammoths. Now broken up and scattered all over the desert road.

I would not like my blood which could potentially bring me back to life wasted on a car... For someone to get to a job they hate. So no more. Not from the USA anyways.

One night I was at dinner and i said Obama needs to handle thwt South Dakota pipeline. My dad was all what is he supposed to do? All simple solutions were crap and had an argument. I said "then lie! Tell the American people they are scum! Tell them we opened the pipeline up and the pipes broke and destroyed the precious land that needs to be protected." My dad laughed and i felt kinda stupid for being so angry.

But Uncle Donald heard my point and so thats exactly what he did. Fake news? Its real.

Because he saw the change I made in the NHRA with some lies that laid very close to the truth.

You don't need to believe in reincarnation for it to happen. I didn't until about 6 months ago. But my mom's mom and my great aunt my grandma's sister ... Granny Bessie Heltons 2 daughters did. My grandma explained it to me one night when I was 18 as i had asked my Great Aunt Nita i was closer to but she didn't explain she just said "because i do" And the dictionary explaination i already knew. But my grandma traveled with me like y'all know i do And showed me.

We started in Heaven with only having one human life and having the soul figure of a human that we select. Hers was a teenage body, absolutely beautiful. With her old ass mind and experience. I told her what I wanted was to be a child. A dirty raggedy haired barefoot blonde without a care in the world, feeling smarter than I feel now... Because that is when i was happiest. When i saw i could end pain and suffering with death, when i knew life could escape heart ache, even when evil exist.

And so now on her second cat life with me, as her first caused her kidnapping by the same drug induced psycho piece of shit that arrested and molested Jesse James dog, Coco and her untimely death as I did record in Tumblr. "Sister Kitty" was kidnapped by him, hes in a special jail. He just had his pinkie finger nail and big toe nail removed as he did kidnap Mogar and slice his face and slice Kizzys leg. So in order to understand what he did he agreed to similar punishment as he did to our precious cargo...

Cargo my bitches!

Jesse: No! I only ask!

Me: who do i have to convince?

Jesse: Idk Jeremiah?

Me: Ava who is your dad?

Ava: Idk I guess not Jeremiah?? IDK!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL!? you all always told me they are both my dad's. Let me ask God. Oh! Jesse! ..... And Jeremiah

Me: your dad is your dad and dad he will always be no matter shine or high water, love will always be there for you and for me. Alexis, do you know that one?

She nods all teary..

Jesse: well did i get loves?!

Me: uhh yes ass hole! We always love you back. What do you want with a gas station with no gas? That's like having a family with out us, most especially me!

Jesse: well it got gas now!!!

Me: well gas up at your local, bring a truck. I got a lot of stuff.

Declan: you hear her? Most especially me! Me! Well, me too, you better pick me up.

Me: Jesse... You ready for Orlando?? I got a Chase bank account with the Princess Castle on the debit card... Just needs a little cash in the account.

Jesse: You Mean You Will Pay!!!

Me: i see that was not a question so that does not deserve a response. But yes. I am suppose to have a wire transfer per last night's discussions that will pay for it.

Jesse: WHOA SHIT!

Me: Jeremiah you down?

Jeremiah: to pay Miss Giant Owner?

Me: uhh I'm Miss Speedyway now. No.. Carry me through times square after some Disney World Fun!

Jeremiah: FUCK YES!! uhh yes thank you for inviting me. I will go

Matt Hagan: look look at this. Im the best friend i even got her kid named after me

Me: Matt Hagan... Looks like you're invited, The Best Friend. In or out of Disney World for the hotel.

Matt: IN!!

Me: youre definitely going you know how to do it right! Pops... You gonna stay home alone with your woman?

Pops: not if i don't have to

M3: you don't

Pops: shit! Oh yeah!

Chuck: what about Cookie!!

Me: you and bring Your comrades I need to talk to

Chuckie: oh Cookies going!

Me: I didn't know he could do the Conga.

Jesse: yes you did!

Me: no wonder it looked familiar.

[goldenscript]

badboy!yuto

adachi yuto, japanese exchange student and baseball player extraordinaire

his pitch is insane,,, latest record was 89.5 mph but he might’ve upped it (he did and he’s still aiming to surpass the best recorded speed of 105.1) since the school’s newspaper last interviewed him,,, nervously

he may be a well-known around school for being one of the top-ranking baseball players but he’s actually really intimidating 

equipped with a brooding look and an almost always resting bitch face a lot of people find him,,,, hard to approach and he likes that

being in a new country is tough - getting to know the language and the customs is like being a little kid in elementary school and it’s because of this very reason that he really hates people trying to belittle him or look down on him

it certainly doesn’t help that just by going there has made other people treat him like an actual child but if there’s yet another thing about yuto then it’s the fact that he has this need to prove others wrong about him

there was a kid in like fifth grade who totally ragged on him,, really made yuto feel like he wouldn’t amount to anything especially in baseball and ok sure he was a pretty scrawny kid at the time, a bit of a late bloomer in the puberty department but y’know everyone matures at their own pace physically and mentally

and anyway, it’s this very kid that has just driven yuto to do the very best that he can even if that means overworking himself and only really putting baseball first

because of that, his grades are pretty mediocre which is funny because he just about calculates and figure just how much he can get away with slacking over just to do the bare minimum

it works though,,, his teachers can’t complain since he is putting in effort and his coaches don’t mind so long as he’s getting the required gpa and coming to practice (which he does almost religiously)

and it’s just really remarkable that this sole drive just to prove someone wrong and get back at them for really doubting him drives him that much

his life has always been shrouded in doubt and insecurity and lots of belittlement and out of everything,,, baseball has always offered some kind of comfort to him

he’ll just stand on that field, whether it’s turf or actual grass, and finds peace in all the screaming because the moment he takes his pitcher’s stance it’s like there’s this silence and everything goes still even during his wind-up and suddenly all this power is thrown into a measly pitch and it has people roaring over him

they didn’t care if he was too foreign or too scrawny or too whatever, they were there and they appreciated his skill and i think that’s all he’s ever really wanted as he grew up into the man he is now

instead of sticking to japan, he decided to take up a full-ride scholarship to south korea and when they announced that at the sports banquet he couldn’t help but feel this swell of pride even if that one kid couldn’t see it happen

it’s a rare sight but it made him smile that day because for once he was acknowledged y’know?

anyway, coming to south korea was almost a culture shock (not by a grand scale but enough that it threw him off balance for a while)

it brought on a dry spell for him because he didn’t have friends or anyone to really be there for him to lean on because he was literally alone and not even with someone he could properly communicate with

it was frustrating on the largest scale and it made him feel even more hesitant and angry to deal with anyone other than his roommate, wooseok, who (bless his soul) is a sweetheart and always invites him to hang or play videogames,,,, sometimes he humors the giant

it took time for yuto to get acquainted with the other eight boys in wooseok’s friend circle but it worked out in weird ways

although yuto can’t exactly socialize in a huge gathering, he would spend one on one time with each of them and found comfortable niches with each so he does have a soft spot somewhere behind all his hostility

he won’t admit it a lot either but he’s more of a shower than a teller

but ok, anyway, even tho his first half of the year in south korea has been a huge struggle, he’s used it to push himself athletically and that’s why he’s getting noticed a lot more by others

they’re still intimidated as ever and rumors come flying in all directions about him killing someone with his pitch and none of the students in the journalism club want to interview him for the paper lmao

there was one brave soul but he’s still pretty,,, shaken from yuto’s rbf and you were actually out in this really cool study abroad in japan about tech culture and reported your findings and,,,,

basically you’re literally the only one who hasn’t heard of yuto aka the hardest person to interview on the baseball team so when you heard about a job that no one was willing to take because it was too scary you were just like “LMAO LEMME AT IT”

that and because he piqued your interest

to say the least, you’re pretty made to be in journalism because you refuse to half-ass anything you do and if they want to do a piece on understanding adachi yuto, literally the hottest rising star on the uni’s baseball team, then dammit you’re gonna do it

so, that’s exactly what you do

you go and hunt him down and approach his coach about interviewing him whenever there’s free time because you’re respectful like that y’know and when the older man grins at you and gives you the ok, you approach him on the bench and kindly talk to him about doing an interview

that alone throws him off because 1) you’re not scared of him??? usually just approaching him is nerve wracking for everyone and anyone but here you are just sauntering over like it’s nobody’s business

he just acts like it’s nothing though, coolly saying, “yeah sure whatever - we can do it right now”

“now?” you ask this with some confusion since you usually have some pretty long, extensive interviews just to get a good piece out because that’s how you are - you’re thorough

not many people in the club agree with you since it’s almost like a waste of time to them but neither you nor do the editor care very much because you put out really good stuff

even some of the stuff you wrote in high school are still circulating around as examples of what one should do and your methods too

 you’re not very black and white, you like grey areas and understanding concepts and people especially when they’re misunderstood and yuto is definitely no exception to that

so when he nods and simply says, “i know this won’t take long anyway, so why not right? we shouldn’t waste either of our time”

of course this throws you off,,, but you just nod and start off with some simple questions (to you) like what made him pursue baseball, how much he practices, what are some of his lucky items and pregame ritual habits, and like what are his goals as a player

like i said you’re thorough and even though you said these were simple, yuto was expecting things like “what’s your favorite part of playing baseball?” (pitching, duh) & “is mlb your goal for the future?” they’re pretty basic - during that first interview, he got even simpler things like what was his favorite color and what was his favorite base, and it made him hate that interview,,, significantly

the only redeeming factor of it was how cool they made him sound with his pitching speed record and that’s of course something he prides himself in but it felt so superficial and off,,, he didn’t like it

he didn’t quite feel belittled or anything but it made him disappointed that despite all his hard work,,, no one really cared enough to get to know him ya feel?

it’s silly but part of him working so hard is also for attention and that validation that he never vocally desires

so for you,,, to actually ask him things outside of his pitching speed record and what he plans outside of school and all that,,, is kinda nice

you can tell by the way he loosens up just a tad that he just has really high defenses and it makes you wonder why,, ,like by journalist instincts but genuine curiosity

and you get your answers (”this kid in school,” “four hours minimum a day,” “this keychain my mom gave me” (it’s this little pochacco bc she was like 99.9% certain that he would go into soccer LOL) and “chew hubba bubba gum - the kinda from the roll or it’s a no go, must wear something red SOMEWHERE, and the keychain has to be nearby”, and “surpass 105.1″) not that you’re in any rush because you really do like to get to know the people you’re interviewing

you’re the sort of person that believes in building connections with others - it’s really how one gets a good article and how to thrive in life like although you don’t talk to everyone you know / met on a daily basis you’d like to think that as long as those relationships weren’t superficial during that time you spent with them then it’s worthwhile

so you find all his answers really endearing and kind of cute even though it’s this stoic dude answering all your questions like he has other things to do and ofc you’re not even offended in the slightest because you understand that people get stiff over these things and it feels like people just haven’t been answering him the right questions anyway

but you being you, asks him the one questions he’s actually hoped to hear: “why 105.1?” 

he grins at you, like a genuine one that actually blows you away because his cheekbones are so gloriously prominent and light is just shining in his eyes and honestly if you were a photographer you would’ve really liked to capture this moment but before he can answer his coach is calling him onto the field and he turns to you almost apologetically

but you wave him off with a grin: “guess this means we gotta continue this interview right?” 

a flash of relief washes over his features before he gives you a brief nod, “guess so” 

you have your tape recorder still going, an heirloom of your mom’s because she loved journalism just as much as you do before she had you and in a way you’re fulfilling this dream for the both of you, and instruct him to recite his number for you

he looks a little exasperated but he does it and grumbles a farewell before jogging back onto the field and you go back to your dorm to listen through the interview, wanting to be thorough, and when you get to the part where he recites his number you jot that down with a wide grin

because deep down you really do think yuto is great - you don’t know it with complete certainty but that brief interview was more than enough so you shoot him a text about meeting up on thursday

to which he replies quite quickly in an affirmation

when the two of you meet, it’s at the park by the school’s garden and it’s absolutely beautiful - you know it’s completely unfamiliar to many people because you really have to look so you wind up finding yuto just take him there and he’s kinda flustered about it but it’s cute on him 

you take a moment to turn on your tape recorder and turn to him to ask the question you both left on 

his answer: “it’s the world record for the fastest pitch but i want to have the fastest pitch” 

there’s still a whole round of questions for him to answer and after a good hour of just bantering, you actually find him endearing and funny and really sweet beneath the brooding rbf

and the more he’s with you, the more he wants to open up even if it just for some interview because he feels acknowledged and appreciated 

with you, there’s something different that stirs in his chest - the ease that he felt after getting acquainted with wooseok comes with you but even more so

he really likes the way the gardenias and lilies complement your features, how the sun shines on you two and you bask in it

for reasons beyond him, he’s actually kinda sad that after this he won’t see much of you because there’s still a lot he’d like to know and ask you but between answering your questions and thinking ahead, it’s hard to interject his own considering it’s his interview

and tbh you’re pretty sad about it too but that sort of thing doesn’t hit you until it’s over and you’re playing the tape recording over and suddenly it’s like,,,, well, you want to know more about yuto

so you make a decision

after you’re done with the piece, you hit yuto up and let him read the manuscript and he’s in freakin’ awe because no one has ever really talked about him in the way that you did and he just turns to you and says “thank you” in the most sincerest voice and your heart truly feels like it might fall out of your chest 

you just tell him that “it was my pleasure” because it really was!!

a small moment passes between you two, but wooseok comes in and you two get embarrassed so you excuse yourself to go prepare for the final publishing 

wooseok totally teases yuto btw but one glare from the latter has the former cackling before he goes off into the shower

“you’re so whipped dude”

“shut. up.”

“it’s the truth~~~~~~”

“sleep with one eye open, woo”

when it gets published, everyone is freakin’ amazed ofc and those who read the piece actually get some proper insight on the misunderstood baseball player, and you hand deliver a copy to him because you’re so freakin’ ecstatic and proud because everyone loved it and it looks so great and 

well yuto is really happy and seeing happy is an absolute blessing 

as flustered as he is, he actually expresses a better expression of gratitude and tells you that “no one has ever done something like this for me and i really, truly appreciate it” 

you can feel your heart thudding and your throat closing up because he continues “and honestly, you’ve been on my mind like crazy y/n”

all you can manage is a “why?” but he’s relieved to see blush dusting on your cheeks

“because i want to get to know you and i want to understand you and i-” he whispers the last half: “thinkyou’rereallycute”

you’re almost in shock but you’re too elated tbh and you embarrassingly say, “i think you’re really cute too,,,,” 

so you both spend this impromptu first date wandering the park and going to the campus cafe and just talking but he lets you talk 

 in fact, he wants to know everything about you - why you started journalism and why you decided to take him on and what your favorite color is and what your favorite song is and all those little things that people tend to forget but him? 

he remembers them 

he remembers everything you tell him and he finds it so adorable how your nose scrunches and your features light up and how much you have to say even though you’re usually the one asking the questions

and it just feels so damn good to have someone show interest in you

like yeah sure you’ve made some strong connections and friendships but the way yuto asks you questions and absorbs your answers, even inputting his own feelings, you feel so happy because this isn’t some obligatory “tell me about yourself” it’s a genuine “please tell me more” 

each day you two learn new things about each other too which is really great if you didn’t realize just how mischievous he is 

LOL like it seems to be a hidden personality trait of his but you’ve come to find that being with yuto has become a series of getting soft pranked or just watching others get hardcore pranked and it’s kinda funny

you really wouldn’t expect it from him but the way he softly pranks you is just too adorable for you to get upset with

like well, the first time he ever told you he loved you, he steals your tape recorder from you - not really steal it but one minute it’s on your desk and another it’s in his hands and he’s fumbling with it but he manages to record over the blank tape and goes “y/n, did you know you’re an amazing person?” 

you can’t help but laugh because he has one of those sports newscaster voice and feigned serious face as he holds the tape recorder out to you in wait of an answer so you just shake your head “no sir, i did not” 

he grins, “well, did you know that i, adachi yuto, love you for being the amazing person you are?” 

and even though his cheeks are so blatantly red and yours are too, you’re stunned 

“i-i did not know that,,,,” and you lean in close and place your hand over his on the recorder and say, “but did you know that i, l/n y/n, love you too?” 

and he just pulls you into the sweetest kiss because he just feels so goddamn happy with you, so content, and most of all, so understood

the rest of the boys are really grateful for you because as comfortable as yuto has been with them, you’ve made it much easier for him and his transition because of the article

a lot of the time, people will come up to him and talk about his stats and baseball which he’s actually happy to converse about 

or even those people that kind of judged him at first, they’re not so,,,,, prejudiced y’know?

they have such a great insight on him as a player and it really is because of all the things you put into that article and you’re so damn proud of it

when you get thanked and welcomed into the group, they adore you man

they love how you aren’t afraid to tease yuto or go along with his playful antics and they love that you bring out this undeniably soft side to him that makes even wooseok go “awwww, my roomie has a heart~~” which is of course replied to with a glare that has even you giggling because that’s just how yuto is

like he’s still pretty intimidating looking but most of the school doesn’t think that as badly - it’s usually people on the street in the city

though there were a few people to stop you two because y’all just looked like The Aesthetic couple and it left you both really flustered 

even as you both continue on in your relationship, there are moments where you just fluster each other because y’all just so damn cute and neither of you two can take it

but it works - everything between you just works and it’s kinda perfect in an odd little way 

sometimes you bicker when he gets a little tsundere with you or if he pranks you a little too much (like hides your stuffed pochacco he won you at the fair very unfairly - poor milk bottle worker LOL) 

in the end, you’ll both apologize because you’re both that hyperaware of your actions and you’re both very accepting too 

you can pick up on things that he doesn’t realize and somehow he can do the same with you - with each other, it’s just.... right 

you understand him and he understands you, and honestly, neither of you could ask for anything better than that~~~~

(also lemme just say that on one of your gifts to him was a badtz maru charm for his bat or anything really because it reminded you of him and how pouty he got but literally everyone agreed)

(he hung it btw and it’s considered his lucky charm because he got his pitching speed up to 95.6 mph!!!!!!!!)

[crypticcravings]

Every Time We Touch

I am so excited to participate in Adrinette Month, so I’m going to start with a project I’ve been planning for a while. This is a Soulmate AU for Day 1: Made For Each Other! This is one of the longer ones, so I’ve split it into three parts. I have included links to each part so that they can all be read in sequence. It is also my first time publishing my writing online in about seven years, so I hope you enjoy it! 

Part 2  Part 3

Also available on AO3

Marinette couldn’t picture her parents skin without soul marks on them. Whenever they kissed or touched, her father would leave a trail of light blue on her mother’s skin, and her mom’s touch would leave streaks of red on her father. She would watch in awe as her mom drew patterns on her father’s arms, and her dad kissed strategic patterns on her mom’s skin. They reveled in each other’s touch, making Marinette eager to find her own soulmate from a young age.

Adrien’s mother always seemed to be glowing. He couldn’t tell if it was because she was simply a happy person, or if it was the glow of the golden soul marks that always patterned her skin. Adrien rarely saw his parents touch as a child, but he always saw the evidence of it. His mother was never without golden patterns drawn on her arms, neck, and lips. His father’s skin was always streaked with milky white, as well. He knew his parents were affectionate with one another, even if they rarely showed that side of their relationship outside of closed doors. He could tell how in love they were. They were made for each other. It gave Adrien dreams of finding his own soulmate, so that one day, he too could leave that person patterned with soul marks. He wondered what color they would be.

Marinette had dreamed of meeting her soulmate from childhood. Any chance she got, she would hold hands with friends, touch acquaintances, searching restlessly. Her mother told her over and over again that most people didn’t meet their soulmates until college or lycee, but Marinette was determined. Soulmates were never far from one another, so the more people she touched, the faster she would find them.

Adrien wanted to find his soulmate. His parent’s love had inspired him to find that one person who would be his other half. Unfortunately, his opportunities to find them were limited. He didn’t attend school in order to accommodate the traveling they did for his parent’s business, and his social sphere was limited to those who his father deemed worthy. 

Then, during his second year of college, his mother disappeared. Adrien was forced to watch his father crumble as the once brilliant white soul marks on his skin faded away as well. As much as Adrien wanted to find his soulmate, he was afraid. Watching his father loose everything the way he did, not being able to cope with losing his mother was unbareable. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to handle the same pain of loss. So he stopped hoping to find that person. He pushed his dreams of meeting them aside for the sake of pursuing a semi-normal life.

In her second year of college, Marinette was convinced she had found her soulmate. She and Nathaniel began dating shortly after the start of classes. They had an agreement though. They wouldn’t touch each other until they had been together for a few months, wanting to really get to know each other before jumping head first into what could be a life-long commitment. There was a bead of hope in Marinette’s heart that he was her’s. They had so much in common. Her love for fashion complimented his artistic side. He was quiet, but she understood him even without words. They went well together.  

So they planned to test their connection on their six month anniversary. They met up at a café where they often ate lunch. Marinette’s heart was pounding in her chest as she sat across from her boyfriend. This test would determine their future together, and she was filled with hope. 

She and Nathaniel didn’t waste time. With a nervous smile and pounding heartbeats, they reached across the table and grasped each other’s hands. Both of them sat in silence for a few moments with their eyes closed. They had both grown up watching their friends find their soulmates one after another. After all, most people found them in college or lycee. 

Mylene and Ivan had found each other the year prior. Max found his over the summer. Alix and Kim had been together since childhood. Marinette’s hopes were high that she would be next.

“Are you ready?” Nathaniel’s voice was low and trembled at the end. 

Marinette nodded, but realized that he probably couldn’t see her. “Yes,” she responded.

“On the count of three,” he replied. 

They counted down together. Once they reached one, they released hands and opened their eyes.

Marinette’s heart shattered as she stared at her hand. She had been so sure, so confident that it was Nathaniel. 

When she met his eyes, she knew he was just as disappointed as she was. They sat quietly for a while, absorbing what had occurred. When they were ready to talk again, they considered their options. Many people dated people who weren’t their soulmate. It wasn’t uncommon. They could have continued with what they had. They were both happy, after all. Unfortunately, they also knew that wouldn’t work. They wanted to find their soulmates, so they knew they had to break up.

Marinette spent the next year healing. She and Nathaniel remained friends, but as more of her classmates and friends found their soulmates, she was beginning to feel disheartened.

The start of the third year of college came with a number of surprises for Marinette and Adrien both. First, they became superheroes. Ladybug and Cat Noir emerged as the protectors of Paris against Hawkmoth. Next, Adrien was allowed to attend school. He entered the same college with the mayor’s daughter, Chloe Bourgeois. Then, Marinette and Adrien found best friends. Shy, quiet Marinette was finally coming out of her shell-partially thanks to her new found confidence as Ladybug, and partially thanks to her new spitfire friend, Alya Cesaire. Adrien, with the help of his new right hand man, figured out how to navigate daily school life. Finally, they fell in love. Marinette fell in love with a boy in the rain and a kind smile. Adrien fell in love with a girl in a mask who learned how to be brave when she felt the least worthy. 

Unfortunately, circumstances prevented them from actively pursuing their loves. Marinette was still shaken up about her failure with Nathaniel. As much as she had come into herself the past year, she was still afraid. Her heart was too invested already. She couldn’t bear to have it broken before anything even begins. So she doesn’t touch him.

Adrien watches Ladybug through the eyes of Cat Noir. He fantasizes about running into the girl under the mask, literally, and coming apart with a burst of color. He dreams of touching her skin to skin, even if it is only holding her hand. Unfortunately their suits covered most of their skin, preventing any accidental touches for Adrien to check on any possible connection between them. 

So they went on with their lives as usual, each of them avoiding unnecessary physical contact with other people. As they went on to lycee, they watched more of their friends find their soulmates. Alya and Nino found each other, Julika, Rose, Mirelle, even Chloe found Lila. 

But Marinette and Adrien stayed alone. They kept telling themselves that it was better that way. No way to get their hopes up. No way to get hurt. Staying alone was for the best. 

That didn’t stop their emotions, though. Marinette continued to admire Adrien from afar. Adrien continued to watch Ladybug, but as the years went on, he began to lose hope. He understood that they may never know each other in their civilian lives. With this in mind, his burning love cooled to a small flame in the back of his heart, still there but not so overpowering that he couldn’t pursue feelings for other people if they arose in his heart. It took him some time to tend to the wounds of his heart, but after some time, he began to take notice of another girl with bluebell eyes and black pigtails. Sure, it may have been her similarities to Ladybug that initially drew him to her, but once he had taken notice of her, he saw how much he had missed while being blinded by Ladybug’s light. Her smile. Her laugh. Her courage. Marinette was amazing. He’d known that since they first met, but it took him this long to see just how amazing she really was. He regret that he hadn’t seen it sooner. There were even days that he thought having a soulmate would be amazing if his soulmate could be her.

“I wanted you to know first,” Nathaniel said, his palm presented before Marinette, “considering our… history.” They stood outside of the school. Marinette forced the tears down and plastered a smile on her face. She thanked him for telling her. She was glad he had done so before he told their class. They were still together with many people who knew their history, and would definitely recognize her distress at a sudden announcement like that. Marinette didn’t return to the school after her lunch break. The violet finger prints on Nathaniel’s palm haunted her. She was happy for him, of course. They had remained good friends even after the break up. Unfortunately, she hadn’t been prepared for him to find his actual soulmate while she was still…

Nathaniel’s announcement had left Adrien worried when Marinette didn’t return to class. Marinette was his friend. After Alya and Nino discovered their soul connection, the four of them had been spending most of their free time together. Marinette never said anything about her history with Nathaniel, but Nino filled Adrien and Alya in one afternoon. It was shortly after Chloe had gotten her soulmate, and Marinette had excused herself from the group for the day. 

“That’s why she gets the way she does sometimes,” Nino told them, “she’s wanted to find her soulmate her whole life, and she and Nathe really thought they were it. Everyone did. When they weren’t, she drew back a little bit. It took them both a long time to get over it. She’s still looking, but I think she’s afraid of being disappointed again. She doesn’t want to make the same mistake twice.”

The conversation with Nino rang in Adrien’s head as he stared at Marinette’s empty seat. He considered texting Alya, who was one classroom over, but decided against it. Adrien could figure out well enough why Marinette hadn’t returned. He tried to focus on the lecture, but a bit of worry ate at him. What if she was so heartbroken that Hawkmoth sent an akuma for her? It would be a perfect opportunity, and Marinette was one of the only students at their lycee who hadn’t yet been akumatized. She was always so optimistic, it was hard to imagine her being akumatized.

That concern was what set Adrien over the edge. He hastily excused himself from the classroom and looked for Marinette. His concern grew when he didn’t find her in the building. 

The park, he remembered. She would often go to the park when she needed to be alone. So that’s where he went, stopping by his locker to grab some cheese for his kwami just in case he needed to transform on a moment’s notice.

Fortunately, he found Marinette quickly. She was sitting on a bench near the entrance to the park, her eyes slightly red and swollen. She must have just finished crying. Adrien hesitated. Now that he could see that she was okay, he wondered if he should really be intruding on such a private moment. But before he could turn and leave, she turned to him, eyes wide. 

“Adrien?”

He rubbed the back of his neck and shoved a hand into his pants pocket, suddenly nervous. “Sorry,” he muttered, approaching her, “I didn’t mean to butt in. You just didn’t come back to class, and Nathaniel…” He trailed off, not wanting to pour salt in her wound by voicing what she already knew. 

Marinette gave him a sad smile. She pushed one of her twin tails over her shoulder and ran a hand through her bangs, “I guess I shouldn’t have run away like that. I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“Are you okay?”

Marinette studied Adrien’s features, his grass green eyes drawn with concern. It warmed her heart a bit, and almost made her reach out to touch his cheek, but she stopped herself. They were good friends, but they had never touched. Adrien rarely touched anyone to begin with, but Marinette was afraid of letting her crush go too far. Instead she tugged at her knee-high socks to keep her hands busy. “I will be. It was a long time ago anyway.”

Adrien placed a hand on her shoulder-over her jacket. He wanted to pull her into a hug, but resisted. “It’s alright for you to not be okay, Marinette.”

Marinette felt her cheeks warm at the intensity of his words and his concentrated gaze. “I will be, though. Really. I am happy for him. ”

Adrien knew she was telling the truth. She was so kind, and cared so deeply about her friends. She wouldn’t hold spite for her ex just because he’d found his fated partner. Adrien knew she must be hurting still, though. He had seen the look in her eyes when she thought no one was looking. The one that she gazed at soulmate couples with, with so much longing and almost sadness in her eyes. It made Adrien yearn to reach out and touch her face. To sooth the worry lines forming on her forehead. He wondered what color he would leave on her skin–

He pulled his hand back at that line of thought. He wasn’t going there. He had promised himself he wouldn’t. 

Just as he was about to open his mouth once again, an explosion of purple smoke came from the distance. He and Marinette both shot to their feet.  

“Is it an Akuma?” Marinette asked. She was already tensed to run, or shove Adrien out of the way if need be. Her hand was over her purse, ready to open it and release her kwami so that she could transform.

“I think so,” Adrien responded.

Marinette was about to make an excuse to escape, when she felt a warm hand around her wrist. Her eyes widened and heat flooded her cheeks. 

“We need to get out of here. Follow me.”

He dragged her out of the park and down the street. It took all of her remaining brain power to keep her balance as he tugged her towards a nearby café. Her wrist was hot where he held onto her. Her heart was about to pound out of her chest in a way she hadn’t felt in years, and it had nothing to do with running or the akuma. 

Adrien pulled her into the café and put his hands on her shoulders, “Stay here. I’m going to see if anyone else needs help getting to safety. I’ll be back soon.”

“Wait,” Marinette shouted as Adrien ran towards the door again, “Adrien, what about you? You need to take cover, too!”

“I’ll be fine,” He called back over his shoulder, giving her a two finger salute and a confident smile, “just stay here and be safe.”

Marinette watched him jump into the fray. He was too selfless sometimes, always putting himself into dangerous positions to help people. She and Nino scolded him constantly for disappearing during akuma attacks. Of course, she wasn’t much better.

Marinette wrapped her hand around the wrist he had held. She needed to transform, of course. But she couldn’t shake her curiosity, either. Besides, maybe she could finally put this silly crush to rest, after all these years.

Marinette closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She was reminded of that day in the café three years prior with Nathaniel. Whatever the outcome this time, she would be okay with it. Adrien was her friend first. Nothing would change that. She lifted her wrist to eye level and silently begged her heart to stop beating so erratically. She counted down, just as she had done last time.

3…

2…

1…

She opened her eyes.

[the-impossiblemadepossible]

Detoured

I’ve re-writen this introduction 100 times. It has been the one blog that I’ve thought about for close to a year but constantly put down. The words just wouldn’t flow and I experienced what every English major fears: writer’s block. Now don’t get me wrong. I’ve experienced writer’s block plenty of times but this one was different…I physically couldn’t write this blog…I mean I’d cry about it, so what you’re about to read is the culmination of emotions and experiences over a span of eight months.

Have you ever been driving on the highway planning to take exit 251 but instead take 151? It throws you off course. It’s frightening. You find yourself asking yourself “How did I get here?” You get to a place that you never intended to be and this new area is not what you planned for. It makes you question what the purpose of your original plan was doesn’t it? But you know what is so much worse than exiting the wrong exit on a busy highway in a large city? Looking at your life and realizing you’ve been detoured.

You’ve made all the plans and executed the course of action only to find out that where you thought you were headed is nowhere near it. That’s life and it’s hard, especially when that detour effects the dream you’ve worked for your entire life. To those reading this (if anyone actually does read this) and don’t know, I have a strong desire and passion to practice medicine and in 2016 I applied to all Texas medical schools. It was a terrifying, liberating and adventurous moment in my life with the anticipated end result of a “Yes!” However, the class of 2021 was selected and my name never moved off the wait list to the accepted.

Heartbreaking. Heart wrenching. Soul searching. Words I began to associate with a dream that has been inside of me since I was a young girl. The official no was the worst part. You see I actually was waitlisted at an institution and was notified that if by a specified date I didn’t hear back that it was a no. That day came and went and not one word was given. Forgotten. As if all the efforts I had done were nowhere near good enough to even be told “No.”

With this season of my life being in a leeway, I’ve faced trials that I never thought I would face. Since finding out that I was wait listed, I began to battle depression. It would creep in unexpectedly and turn a good day bad and a bad day worse. For over 4 months, I cried nearly every day and constantly asked myself what was my purpose. Surely, I couldn’t be this wrong about what my future held. Right? The worst part is that I didn’t talk about it to anyone really with the exception of my mom and fiancé (at the time). There were days that I literally wouldn’t get out bed because I felt as though I had failed at life…because of ONE rejection.

You see growing up in a Christian home I was taught that God had a plan for my life and He will bring it to pass. And when I heard a no, I thought to myself… “God, are you there? Do you hear me? Do you see me?” I grew angry, dismayed and broken. I felt as though my cries of desperation had gone unheard especially when I saw my friends succeeding in the same area that I had just attempted. And with those thoughts, the depression grew stronger and more frequent. I had friends and family telling me “It’s okay. You can just reapply.” “Don’t worry. You never know what might be lying ahead.” And I know their intentions were wholesome and true, but I just couldn’t seem to get anyone to understand what it meant to have a dream not come true…self-centered, arrogant and ignorant…am I right?

I remember disqualifying so many people’s trials as less than mine simply because what I experienced didn’t match their experience…and I call myself a Christian? It was in these moments of despair that I began to realize maybe just maybe why I hadn’t matriculated…I didn’t have the attributes that it took to be a great physician because heck I didn’t have the characteristics it took to be a decent person. It’s weird to think of myself in this light since I used to pride myself as being a humble and selfless individual…did you catch that oxymoron…pride and humble in the same phrase.

You see where humility exists, pride does not. Yet before I applied, I thought I ranked as one of the highest in selflessness. So now that an additional four months have passed since starting and putting down this post, I can’t thank God enough for literally breaking me in the one aspect of my life that I had “control” on as if a mere human has control of anything because in all reality our God has control over everything… even if I end up waking tomorrow.

So for the first time since the unexpected no, I’m finally able to talk about my experience with less tears and less thoughts of broken dreams, not because the dream has changed but because I’m slowly beginning to realize what it means to FULLY trust God.

If you’re reading this and you’re in a similar predicament, I want you to know that it gets better IF you give your burdens, desires and worries to God. This world can be (and will be) soul crushing but if you release everything that weighs down your heart you’ll end up feeling freedom you didn’t even know existed.

Don’t believe me, huh? Don’t worry I didn’t either. But if you’re still reading this, let me tell you a quick story.

Once upon time, there was a young girl who dreamed of becoming a teacher. During her adolescence, she would gather all her stuffed animals in a row (like desks) and teach them various subjects. Time passed and life happened and she got “detoured.” She ended up marrying her high school sweetheart and they ended up building a successful law practice while raising two girls. Her life’s plans had changed without her noticing. Years passed…too many to count and she never achieved the one thing she always thought she would be: a teacher. Now because of unforeseen circumstances, she became a single mom who faced her own battles of depression. It took her years (I MEAN YEARS) for her to find herself again, but she did… finally at the age of 50 (sorry for revealing your age mom). She achieved the one thing she always dreamt of the profession of a teacher.

You see that woman’s story I just told you is my mom’s. I was so self-absorbed that I didn’t realize the exact thing that was happening to me was the EXACT experience my mom faced. However, I’m sure if you ask her. She would’ve taken this detour over quickly becoming a teacher. You see because God brought a 360 degree to her life. She had the blessing of raising me and my sister from infancy to teenage years / adulthood. She packed our lunches daily and created memories with us that can never be replaced. She was a TEACHER of the Good Word  to my sister and I.

It really wasn’t until my mom achieved her dream that I realized God really does have a purpose for everything. So yes, my life has been DETOURED let me tell you. But I’m learning to take these twists and turns with a grain of salt.

Because if I had been accepted a year and a half ago, I would not be living in Houston creating a life with my new husband. I wouldn’t be making memories with him or trying to figure out which side of the bed belongs to who. I value my marriage too much to put it in jeopardy and perhaps the stress of a law school student with the conjunction of a medical student and a separation of 250 plus miles would’ve been detrimental to a new marriage.

So without any more time wasted, I want to thank the good sovereign Lord for teaching me patience, humility, and trust. I never saw myself living where I am today and doing what I’m doing but I wouldn’t trade these lessons or memories for anything in this world.

Right now my job is to be a patient, strong and understanding wife while building a home in a small bedroom apartment. Then when my husband has succeeded at his endeavors, I believe that it will be my turn to chase mine. It isn’t an example of subordination rather an act of love. I take this season as a season of growth and I believe that one day the white coat will be donned…but until then I’ll continue on this “detour” God has set out before me.

                                                       Psalm 46:5 

[lovestructionworld]

Ashes to Beauty...Literally LFM #29 June 5, 2016

“Ashes to Beauty...Literally”

These are a few pertinent scriptures to the testimony below:

-Malachi 4:6 "He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction."

-Luke 1:17 "And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous--to make ready a people prepared for the Lord".

-Isaiah 61:1-4 "The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. They will rebuild the ancient ruins and restore the places long devastated; they will renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations." Emphasis Added

ASHES TO BEAUTY...LITERALLY

When I was four years old my father left my mother and our home. From that time on, until he died, he lived four hundred plus miles away in South Bend, Indiana.

I can still remember spending that first night away form my father at my Grandmother's house, which became our home for several years, until my mother was able to get on her financial feet. I don't remember crying over my Dad leaving the first time. So, I must have awakened the next morning to the first of thousands of days with no man in my life.

I was too young to understand "divorce", "single parent family", and "broken home". I wouldn't be aware of the chasm of fatherlessness I had endured for at least twenty more years, because being without a father became my almost daily normal. I wasn't aware of what I missed.

Early on, my father would only visit, irregularly, every three or four months. At the time, I absolutely adored my father. When he would come, it would be all I could think about for the week prior to his arrival. And as soon as he walked through the door, I struggled having fun with him, because I so dreaded Sunday afternoon, which was his regular departure time. As he was leaving, I would cry and beg him to stay until I couldn't see his license plate. And for that night into the next day, I would be racked with depression. The pain of it was torture and created deep, hidden wounds within my soul.

When in town visiting, my Dad would stay with my mom and me. I would sleep with him just to be as close as possible for those short few days. In the mornings, I would sit on the edge of the tub to watch him shave and comb his hair. He would tickle me all the time and was very affectionate, always hugging and kissing my cheeks. He loved to fish, which eventually became a love of mine, because that's what we would do during many of his visits. And I always felt safe when Daddy was around. I was a true Daddy's Boy.

By the time I was a teenager, my father's issues became more and more apparent, and my tears dammed up as I learned to block the pain of the emptiness and of his leaving. I can remember starting to enjoy my friends more and really not wanting to be around him. Many, many times I commented to myself inwardly, as well as verbally to others, "I'm never going to be like my Dad".

Passively sowing judgment in my heart toward my Father's and his flaws became the norm. I reaped a harvest of trouble from this judgment of him, even though he "seemingly" had the more apparent issues. I'm thinking Jesus' vision corrective teaching on the 'specks' and "planks" would be appropriate here.

When I became an adult, he wanted me to visit him to go fishing and pushed me hard for this, but I always found a reason for not making the four hundred mile drive. Even though I was a Christian, I figured he wasn't good to me, so why should I be good to him, completely bypassing "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". Little about me was golden with so much pain. I eventually cut off relationship with him and within a year, he passed away. It was the second worst decision of my life.

I barely shed a tear at the news of my Father's passing in 2001. Matter of fact, I know it sounds terrible, but I was relieved. Ouch! It’s true!

I took the trip up to attend to his body. He had wanted to be cremated, and the Funeral Director said it was illegal for me to transport his ashes across state lines. They had to send them to me via U.S. Mail. And when his ashes arrived at the Franklin, Tennessee Post Office, it was like I was picking up a used car part from a junk yard. I had zero emotion. I even saw a friend at the Post Office and made a joke about my Dad's ashes to his horror.

My Dad's ashes stayed in my utility vehicle for over 30 days. I would only think of them as I would turn a corner and hear them bang off of the opposite wall in the storage area. I eventually forgot that they were in the back until a friend asked me where I had scattered his ashes. He rebuked me strongly, when he found out his ashes were still in my vehicle. I laughed at Bob that day.

So, I made a quick plan to take and spread his ashes over some body of water on my way to Murfreesboro, Tennessee for a business meeting. I didn't care which one...lake, pond, puddle, whatever. It was what he wanted, but a pain to me. And I knew I was wearing a suit to a business meeting that day, making it convenient for me to gitterdone funeral style and to get Bob off my back.

I found a small public lake and removed his box of ashes from my vehicle. It was an extremely windy day, which was a little scary with me scattering ashes. But, I could tell the wind was straight-line and blowing out of the north in one direction making an easier aim of it.

As I walked out to the edge of the water, a thought (Holy Spirit's Voice) occurred to me to ask God for my Dad's "anointings". I wasn't real sure what anointings were at the time. I had heard of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob each giving their sons their 'blessings'. But what I heard was "anointings". So, I held the box of ashes, and maybe with a little tear in my eye, I said a prayer to God on behalf of my Dad. Arrogantly, I thanked God for the "little" bit my Dad had and I might get...anointing wise.

I had angled myself in such a way that his ashes would easily fly out across the water away from me. I drew the box back as one would draw back a Frisbee to fling, and then I fffllluung his ashes up into the wind.

Now two days prior, I had bought a brand new pair of $175, black, Johnson and Murphy, cap-toed shoes. I was so proud of those shoes and the first scuffs on the bottom of the soles happened that day. As soon as I sent my Dad's ashes flying, the wind made a strong and abrupt change of direction sending the ashes directly down and backwards. You guessed it! My brand new pair of Johnson and Murphy’s were covered in the grayish white ash of my father. My suit was relatively free of ash, but my shoes looked as though I had been walking in snow. So much ash had blown back onto my shoes that small bone fragments of my father's were even inside and along the crevices of my shoes making my walking prickly.

My immediate reaction was panic and to throw out multiple expletives, because I was so grossed out. Sadly, I was crying more about my shoe condition, than the loss of my Dad. I bounced around kangaroo-like and in panic for several minutes as I attempted to bang the dust off of my shoes to know avail. So, I started using my hands to try and brush off the ash. I realized, "now my hands had my Father's ashes on them". I finally gave up. My shoes were so dusty and there was no way to clean them except with a faucet and paper towels, which were no where in site. OMG...the moment…was absolutely surreal!

I dejectedly started slowly walking back to my Ford Explorer and suddenly the Holy Spirit spoke to me within my spirit and said, "I've given you your father's anointings". There was a pause, only for a few seconds, and then the dam of my pain broke. I began crying harder than I had ever cried up until that point in my life. This was an event generated out of heaven. My shoes weren’t the real target. God had blown his breath...His life giving Word...into the ashiest part of me, my wounded soul, and He began a process of beautification (healing and deliverance) in me toward my Dad. I could even feel a measure of healing within my vehicle as I pondered what had happened to me.

And as I sat there, God began impressing up me that no man's life is a complete waste and that even though my Dad had severe issues, he was still valuable to God and had been gifted by Him.

I remembered that my Dad's passions were as a writer and speaker. He constantly wrote about everything for which he cared, and his desk was covered with yellow legal pads inked with his ideas. He loved to speak and prepared for his great moment by attending Toastmasters speaking club meetings for years. He always dreamed of changing society with pen to paper and great speeches. Presidents Nixon, Carter, Reagan and Bush Sr. all had an opportunity at reading my Dad's mail because he would boldly send his thoughts directly to the White House. I'm surprised the Secret Service didn't pick him up for questioning. Ha!

I tired of hearing him talk about all "that world changing stuff" when he was alive. On this windy day, all I knew was, I had my Dad's anointing and it felt good to me.

This was a new feeling, given that my high school and collegiate experience was filled with dread of creative writing, grammar and public speaking. But, could I really have a heart, like my Dad, for writing, speaking and changing the world for the better? It seemed impossible, but I knew what had happened was a miracle. The Holy Spirit had sealed it with his obvious power move. He assured me of what he was going to do, even in all my fear. The enemy came to steal the passing of this anointing to me from my Dad. But Holy Spirit swooped in with His powerful love to take back what the enemy had stolen...So awesome is our God!!!

The moral of the story is this as you soon celebrate Father's Day 2016, you have all been given different kinds of fathers. Some of your fathers have been the kinds of men they should have been and other haven't. If the latter, honor your Father for whatever good attribute you can find. Instead of being bitter at your father and his issues, repent by finding something positive. Embrace it, even if it is just one thing.

Never stop taking care of you father no matter how poor of a Dad he's been. I absolutely regret cutting off my Dad, even though I had every worldly right to do it. Remember, your children are watching and so is your God.

Give to your Dad even when he hasn't given to you. This will help stop the sowing and reaping cycle of judgment that might be keeping the spirit of misery empowered within your family. To do this you must allow the Holy Spirit to restore your heart to your Dad as written in Malachi 4:6. Ask the Holy Spirit for this restoration with tears and watch Him begin to move.

And be for your children who you would have wanted as a child. If you have recurring issues affecting your children negatively, do something about it right now. Don't wait! Get some inner healing. Rejoin a church and begin serving. Make solid men friends at church who know how to raise children and ask to be mentored by them. Humble yourself. Start pursuing God more deeply and your kids will start drafting off of your pursuit. If you are refusing this, Google "Scripture", "Millstone" and "little ones".

Also, repent to your wife and children for your past failings as a husband and father...all of them! Change!...for the good. "Set your face like flint" to reach your spiritual destiny here on this earth for you and your children's sake. Be a true patriarch, unshakable, strong, a wing of protection and shade under which your wife and children can be at rest and peace no matter how hard marriage or life gets, like our God is to us. And when you fail…let Jesus wash you in His blood and forgive yourself.

If you are a Dad, who presently lives far away from your young children because of marital separation or divorce, find a way to move within a few miles, even if it costs your 50% of your salary. There isn't ever any excuse not to continue being a close by, active and nurturing parent. Two weeks out of the year on summer visits isn't enough. Every other weekend is difficult on your children, as well. There isn't an expectation of young children to sacrifice themselves for their parents in scripture. But, the opposite can be said of the parents of young children. There is a huge difference between a biological sperm donor and devoted father. Geographic distance creates the former and is the beginning of the disconnect between Father's and their children.

I've heard it often and flippantly said, "the kids will be better off if we divorce or if they divorce". These kinds of statements are what leads to the situations I've just mentioned above. What really makes children better off is having their fathers willing to honor their marriage vows no matter what severe issues arise with their wives. Children need Dads to find Jesus and humble themselves. Children always, always get the short end of the stick within their parents broken marriage. They pay the heaviest price for their parents new found, so called "freedom". I've experienced this and I've witnessed it among my friends and family. I'm concrete on the subject and am immovable from giving up these positions. Holy Spirit could have me bring to bear one hundred scriptures right now to prove this point. But so often the desire to alleviate pain overrides scripture in a believers mind.

All of what I've just said is achievable only by the breaking of one's self-will and the bending of both knees to the Trinity...God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit...the perfect Father/Son relationship. Just because you have said, "I believe in Jesus", doesn't mean this has happened. Christianity is a process and journey more than a one time event...per the "work out your salvation" scripture (Philippians 2:12).

Today, I still have the shoes as you can see below. They've been resoled at least six or seven times and I'll NEVER throw them away. They'll always be covered with the memories and anointings of my Fathers.

I really do miss my Dad. The loving feelings I had for him as a child have fully been given back to me, through healing and deliverance of the Holy Spirit. I wish Dad was still here. I would show him off to all my friends, and I'd drive 400 miles to take him to some fishin' hole on the water he loved so much.

Brian