#Honestly Phelpsinator

[oldphelpsinator]

January 5th, 2020

Found these in my drafts.

I honestly forgot about both of them.

I have always been way ahead of my time when it comes to these things. Almost a year later and my Twin and I have finally mutually separated.

This one is ironic because I avoided facing my trauma pretty much the whole time I've been in school because I didn't want it to affect my academic performance.

I posted it the day before I left for school.

[oldphelpsinator]

January 5th, 2020

It’s official. I’m having one of those nights.

My room is messy, I’m feeling kinda wired, I haven’t eaten food or drank water in the past few hours...

I really do NOT have time for mental health flare ups/episodes. I’m just trying to get through the last stretch of my training.

I think I was managing to avoid my emotions regarding the reality of what lies ahead for me. The challenges and everything. I’m kinda worried.

I haven’t reached out for any help or assistance with my mental health for years. I know I will have to this year; especially since it’s been a year and a half since finding out I am probably on the autism spectrum.

It’s hard. I do worry about whether or not I will be able to succeed when I find a new job. My mental health issues have caused enough problems in my interpersonal life, but they have also done decent damage with my past jobs I’ve had.

I am discouraged, as well. Because even though I want to want to be seen and heard and make wonderful connections with people, I know deep down I feel stunted and immobilized. I don’t want to be hurt again in love. By myself or by others. I just want to be put into some sort of robot mode so that I can function properly and efficiently in my daily life.

Heartbreak is annoying, and painful, yes. And I know that eventually you can move on and grow and all of that jazz. And you will meet others. But I kinda don’t want to? I am pretty burned out and tired. I just want to build a good life for myself and be left alone by any potential “love interests.”

Usually, if anyone shows signs of being interested in me, I get really nervous, uncomfortable, and put off. So many things go through my head. My potential Autism, my being on the Aro/Ace spectrum, my mild social anxiety, my mental health issues, my tendencies to get really attached to close friends and form strong bonds that usually eventually end in obsession, infatuation, and disaster.

It’s a lot to unpack, and I know everyone has their own baggage. But I know my baggage. It causes problems time and time again. And I end up hurt and depressed and wanting to distance myself from people even more than I did before.

Yeah. I need therapy. And I will find a therapist this year. I just need time and maybe a little luck? I’m 26 years old. Still trying to get myself to a level of basic of adulting without having a major fuck up or shit show financially, socially, or emotionally. There’s always something going on.

Well. It’s 2020. I manifested this training school. I had wanted it for the past few years and the Universe delivered about 10 months ago. I am 2 months from graduation, and I just need to keep my shit together a little longer.

Idk. Is it really so hard to imagine that there are people out there I haven't met yet who will care, and are open-minded and kind, and will be patient with my baggage, and show me love as well as letting me do the same?

Why does this paragraph remind me of that sad song at the beginning of James & The Giant Peach??? LOL

The effects of this mental episode had me fading in and out between feelings of anguish and a state of clearheadedness. I'm kinda leveled out now, though. A bit numb.

I might eat some Frosted Flakes because I don’t feel like making a full ramen meal.

Kinda want to just go to sleep. I'll choose one.

[oldphelpsinator]

March 23rd, 2020

Honestly I've been focusing on the positive things in my life.

The things that bring me joy or make me feel at peace.

During my short break from Tumblr, I realized some things just need to be let go of.

Especially if they were being held onto for nostalgic reasons.

It's okay to honor the era of those things and leave them where they stand.

This is especially important because I have to go through a lot of my junk that I've accumulated over the years.

Physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Wow.

This is a very important time.

🤔🤔🤔

Symbolically, metaphorically, spiritually, and literally, etc.

Right now I'm focusing on my future.

Finances especially.

Just adult things.

Very grateful for my job at Walmart that I am still able to work throughout the crisis.

Also grateful to have graduated from my training program.

Hark! It is I, Phelpsinator, reclaiming my Tumblr for myself.

This page is my personal space.

And in my personal space, I feel free.