#I almost went 'Akaza fight aftermath' kind of ending but no

[messier-jin]

What Was I Made For?

So... I was having my own existential crisis late at night and this idea came in. At first, it was supposed to be a short drabble, but it quickly went out of hands. And I almost did a really angst ending but I managed to stop myself, we’ll stay at hurt/comfort.

Hope you’ll enjoy! Don’t forget to drink water, I wish you the best!

Content Warning: Existential crisis, survivor guilt, hurt comfort, gender neutral reader, one line of depiction of violence, reader refused to eat.

Character: Rengoku Kyojuro (featuring Kocho Shinobu).

Song I listened to while writing: What Was I Made For? by Bilie Eilish.

Words count: 1745 words.

This mission had turned for the worst. The demon you faced was stronger than you expected. After a long night of fighting, you turned out to be the only survivor. And how bad you felt for this… Kocho Shinobu, the Insect Hashira who took you under her care after you had been found, called it ‘survivor guilt’. 

How could you not feel guilty? Why were you the only one making their way out of this alive? The other demon slayers trusted you. One of them even protected you. Why did they protect you instead of saving their own life? They were stronger than you. They should have lived. 

You should have been stronger yourself. You should have trained harder before going. You should have listened to orders better. You should have been the one protecting the others when they were down. 

Why were you so scared? Why did you end up paralyzed? When the demon crushed one slayer under a giant hand… When the demon bit off another slayer’s arm… When you almost lost your head yourself… 

You remembered your heart beating so loudly in your ears. You remembered how sweaty your hands turned against the hilt of your sword. You remembered the silent tears in the corner of your eyes at what you witnessed. You remembered their cries of pain. You remembered how your blade broke in two when you tried to cut the demon’s neck. Why did you fail?

They did not deserve to die like this. You should have been the one dyi-

“[Y/N]?”

⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇ 

“Rengoku?” Kyojuro stopped in the middle of the corridor when Shinobu called his name, catching his attention. He turned around to see the Insect Pillar walking toward him. Her constant, calm smile was present on her face. But it was not reaching her eyes - even less than usual, at least. Anyone who knew her well enough could read the expression she was trying so hard to hide: she was worried.

“How can I help you, Kocho?” The Flame Pillar asked with his loud voice. Usually, calmness was requested, between the walls of the Butterfly Estate that were filled with wounded people who needed rest. But Kyojuro had a special permission, considering his half-deaf condition.

Shinobu knew it, her fellow Pillar was as worried as she was. If not, why would he be hanging around the Butterfly Estate so much, ever since you had been brought here? You have been training under Kyojuro for months, maybe even years. You joined him for several missions to learn from him. And even now that you were not under his care anymore, he was always checking on you. He held you dear, it was obvious for whoever saw the way he was looking at you…

“[L/N] skipped lunch today again,” Shinobu admitted, “They’ve refused to eat ever since they woke up.”

In her opinion, if there was one person who could make you take care of your health, it was Kyojuro. If you refused to listen to others, you would listen to the solar Flame Pillar.

Kyojuro’s expression shifted. The corner of his lips twitched. Something in his eyes seemed to tremble. He could feel a pinch on his heart. It pained him. The Flame Pillar tightened his grip around the hilt of his weapon, where his hand was resting.

“I will talk to them.”

Without waiting for Shinobu’s answer - not giving her a chance to give any - he hurried toward the room where he knew he would find [Y/N]. The Insect Pillar could only look at him. Now that she was alone, her fake smile fell to show her clear worry. A heavy sigh slipped through her lips.

“They will listen to you… They have to…”

⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇ 

In a gasp at the loud voice, you looked away from the window - through which you were admiring the night sky from your bed… Even if ‘admiring’ was a big word, since you had been staring into the void, attacked by your own intrusive thoughts. 

“Rengoku?”

Kyojuro was standing at the entrance of the room. His expression was unreadable. It was nothing like his usual reassuring smile and flamboyant aura. A sigh escaped him when he took in your sight before slowly making his way toward you.

“I told you, you don’t need to be formal with me because I’m a Pillar. Kyojuro is fine.”

Once he was at your bedside, the Flame Pillar sat down onto the mattress, just next to you. Out of habit, he reached out to place his hand on top of yours, something he always did when he felt like you needed to talk. But as soon as his skin touched yours, you pulled away, bringing your hand to your lap, away from his touch. Kyojuro stared at you, his eyes pained by your reaction. But he was quick to blink to hurt away.

“Kocho told me you ate nothing, today,” he started.

“I was not hungry…”

You simply looked away to stare through the window once again. Your eyes seemed… empty. It was the first time Kyojuro ever saw you in such a state. He was used to you hiding your pain behind a caring personality. He had learned to see through this facade and comfort you when he felt you needed it. But never once did you reject his help. And never once did he see you this affected.

“[Y/N], you need to eat to stay healthy,” he continued, “and you will heal faster if you-”

“But what if I don’t want to?”

Kyojuro was surprised by the fact you cut him, and with such a loud yet trembling voice. But he was even more surprised by your words. He stared at you with wide red-orange eyes. His mouth gaped as he was too stunned to reply. 

“I know that everyone is trying to be nice, telling me to get better soon, coming to check on me, Kocho told me it wasn’t my fault but–!”

Your words made everything fall into place for Kyojuro. It was not about not wanting to eat. It was not about healing physical injuries. It was much deeper than that.

“She even offered to train with her. And I’m sure you will agree with her. Just like you probably agree with her about this whole situation because of course, you will. But now is too late to train because they all already died! And I could not help anyone! I’m just useless!”

“[Y/N], I can’t let you say such a th-”

“What use am I?!” Your outburst resonated through the whole room, empty aside from Kyojuro and you. Your voice broke as you held fistfulls of the blanket covering your body. Your form started to shake as a sob escaping your trembling lips. 

“Kyojuro… What was I made for, exactly?”

When you looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, Kyojuro swore he could feel his heart being ripped into shreds. Through his lips, your name slipped in a whisper. Your breathing was heavy as you came down from your meltdown. 

Slowly, he reached out to take your hands in his once more. And this time, you did not pull away. You accepted his touch, so gentle, as if he was afraid you would break if he were to move a little too fast. His gaze never looked away from your trembling one. You needed an anchor to ground you, and the Flame Pillar was ready to play this role.

“[Y/N], I want you to listen to me.” 

It was not the voice of Kyojuro, your warm and joyful friend. It was the voice of Rengoku, the strong Flame Pillar, determined to accomplish the mission he assigned to himself. He waited for you to give him a nod, signaling you were listening to him, before moving on. 

“Your hands are made to protect others.”

When you opened your mouth to protest, he lifted one of his hands to place his fingertips against your lips, stopping you from saying anything. His other hand kept hold on your smaller one, giving it a soft but reassuring squeeze. Kyojuro would not let you talk down to yourself any longer. 

“When something makes me angry, it’s your hand grabbing my sleeve that grounds me,” he explained. “When I fall down, it’s your hand that reaches out to help me back up. When I got hurt, it’s your hand that comes to lay on my shoulder to check on me. When I need comfort, it’s your hand that rubs my back. When I taste delicious food, it’s your hand that hands me more. It’s always your hand…”

As he spoke his fingertips moved away from your lips to caress the skin of your cheek before cradling it delicately - as if you were the most precious thing in the world. His other hand guided yours up to his own lips. Kyojuro closed his eyes as he laid the most tender kiss on your knuckles, a gesture to thank your hand for its help. His lips were warm. You could feel every single emotion of his through them. 

“Kyojuro…” Your voice was barely above a whisper as a tear fell down your red cheek. Then a second rolled down. And soon, you found yourself unable to stop them from streaming down. 

Kyojuro could feel your hand tremble in his hold. His warm eyes opened, filled with his natural compassion. For a short while, he admired your features in silence: flushed cheeks wet from tears, glassy eyes, quivering lips… 

“Your hands saved me more than once,” the Flame Pillar admitted, his voice softer than usual, each word carrying reassurance and gratitude. “Don’t call yourself useless ever again, because I would not be as strong without your protection.”

Not able to hold anything in anymore, you let go of everything - every tear, every doubt, every self-hatred thought, every single feeling… You did not know how long you cried. Somewhen during it, Kyojuro wrapped his arms around your sobbing form, protecting you from the outside world. The fabric of his uniform was wet from your tears over his shoulders, but he never once complained about it. His comforting hand rubbed your back, the circular motion soothing your ache. 

You did not know why you were here, what you were made for… 

But you knew what you could be. 

For as long as he would let you, you will be here to support Kyojuro. 

Until the very end…