#I also sort of want a 'I'm scared but aroused' type of situation with him lasfjds like that's HIS feelings IDK DONT LOOK AT

[cosmic-ships]

Actually proud of myself for not having a "trips on the door frame when entering the dimly lit building" happen with my fic with ce.s.ar- ....actually I should have put it because I don't know how my own feet work sometimes. Always fallin' and bumpin' into shit lmao

[ineedrelationshipadvice]

I'm a 26-year old guy and Ive noticed the last three times ive had sex with a girl i struggle to sustain an erection. i mostly use porn to get off in between hook ups and indulge usually 1-2x per week, less so recently. i think what my problem is, is that I'm desensitized and/or my brain gets excited mostly when it knows I'm about watch porn. the kicker here is that I'm hanging out with this girl Friday and there's a 99% chance we'll have sex. any advice? i haven't watched porn for over a week

Welp, certainly missed the mark on this one. But if you come back and read this, hopefully you were successful! 

That being said, the harsh reality here is that it definitely sounds like you’re experiencing what scientists call porn-induced erectile dysfunction. It may not be the case - there are A LOT of issues that can cause various types of erectile dysfunction. But if YOU feel like there’s a relationship, that’s a good cause for alarm. 

Firstly, what is it? Here’s a good review and understanding to get you started. It also be stated straight-out, PORN IS NOT ADDICTIVE. Addictive materials alter the chemistry of your body with the introduction of the addictive substance (alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, etc.). Instead, porn is a COMPULSIVE material, and although it can have real world effects, the compulsive behaviour is not built into the body, but is instead a reaction to experiences people have to the world around them (stress, anxiety, depression, etc. can all create reasons to compulsively use porn, similarly to that forms of escapism). 

Essentially, ED caused by porn results from a place of over-stimulation. Using porn all the time conditions the brain to associate the act of preparing and then engaging with the porn as a sexual act, and if you use high volumes of porn (LOTS of different videos of extreme, hardcore porn) it can train your brain to think that this is how porn is, with all that stimulation. And when you don’t get that experience in real life, your expectations for sex aren’t met, and thus you find it difficult to get aroused. More info from Laci Green here. 

So for your particular meeting this weekend, there’s not much that could have been done. Retraining your brain can be a very difficult process depending on how severe the issue is. So much so, that it might even require a sexologist or therapist to help you through the process. Which is something you should keep in mind if this problem persists! 

The general advice to “cure” ED from porn use is as follows: 

CUT OUT THE PORN. The big issue here is that porn has become as vital to your sexual experience as an erection. Your brain is smart, and it does a lot of automatic processes during sexual arousal, like speeding heart rate and breathing, as well as all the processes that go into making the penis erect. The problem is, if this is a problem you’re suffering from, the porn itself has become part of the process, and if your brain relates porn + automatic function = erection, then if that porn isn’t there, you won’t be aroused. 

Now pay attention to what I said here. I didn’t say STOP MASTURBATING. I said stop watching porn when you masturbate. The porn is the problem, and you need to rewrite the algorithm in your brain to retrain it to understand that porn is not a requirement for arousal. You kinda already instinctively figured this out, and cut down on the masturbation time. But now I suggest you begin to try to masturbate without porn.

I know that probably sounds awful. If you can’t get it up with an actual person, how can you do it alone? That’s the goal. You have to retrain your brain that erotic thoughts - and thoughts alone - are enough to make you aroused. By removing porn from the equation, it forces you use your brain and imagination to become aroused. Think of arousing images in your mind, or think of attractive people in your mind, and then try to masturbate. This may not work! You may just by flapping away at a floppy dick. That’s okay. Don’t try to cum, don’t even try to get hard. Just have a fun, nice moment enjoying an erotic thought. Kind of like when you were a kid, and imagined a classmate in their underwear, and maybe impulsively touched yourself. This is the type of space in your mind you want to rediscover for yourself. Leave your computer and phone behind. Turn off all technology, get in bed, maybe light some candles, and imagine some super steamy, hot sexual scenarios, and see if over the period of a month or so, you can get aroused this way.

________

MASTURBATE DIFFERENTLY. This may sound kind of dumb, but it’s very important for those suffering from ED. Part of the arousal process is the way we do it. We experience pleasure in specific ways, and if a way that we experience pleasure doesn’t align with the way we are used to experiencing pleasure, our brain sometimes interprets that as “oh, this isn’t pleasurable.” 

As an example, you can see this in a huge majority of young women, particularly pre-teens and teens just discovering their sexuality right after puberty. In western culture, men are taught from a young age that it’s okay to be more open about their perviness; however, lots of women are shamed from an early age to reject their perversions and sexual thoughts for a sense of idealized purity. This is obviously bullshit, but it’s the way parenting and education happens to prepubescent children. 

The result of this conditioning is that there are LOTS of girls who suddenly hit puberty, start having all these horny feelings, but feel they are deeply strange and shameful. “I would never finger myself, that’s WRONG.” “It hurts to have sex, because I never masturbate.” “I don’t like to masturbate because it doesn’t feel good.” It’s not that any of these people are lying; it’s simple that they have been conditioned to think these various thoughts, through YEARS and even DECADES of negative reinforcement of sexual habits. 

How does this relate to you? Well, for those who do masturbate, sometimes we can condition ourselves to appreciate pleasure in only one way. If all you do is drop onto your couch, turn the porn on, and surf until it’s time to cum, you condition your brain into the habit of THIS being the sexual experience. This is what sex looks like for your body 99% of the time, but then you meet with a girl... but you’re not naked on your couch, and there’s no porn on... this isn’t sex, this is some other situation, no arousal. 

How to fix? CHANGE IT UP. Similarly to not using porn to find arousal, try to use different methods physically to become aroused. Do you use your right hand every time to masturbate? Try to use your left, or flip your hand upside down while stroking. Want a more “sex-like” experience? Try masturbating with condoms on (or with lube!), since you’re hopefully using those when hooking up anyway! Still not enough? HUMP THINGS! Couches, pillows, old stuffed animals, beds, blankets, and all sort of things can give a full body sensation of sexual pleasure. Usually sit down at your computer to masturbate? Lie down in bed instead, or even stand up while you do it! Still want an extra special something? BUY SOME SEX TOYS! Go to Adam & Eve (not a sponsor, they’re just dope) and buy a toy that suits your needs. Too cheap? Make your own sex toys! 

The point is back to that conditioning thing. You want to condition your brain to understand that there are LOTS of different places where it’s okay to be aroused, so when you find yourself in a new situation (aka, with a person, in real life) your body doesn’t feel like this is an inappropriate place to do the deed. 

Another very important thing to say here at the end. You BELIEVE that this is your problem, but it is also entirely possible this ISN’T the problem. It’s possible you are experiencing anxiety in sexual encounters with people. If you feel scared or anxious in the moment, this requires a different method of recovery, and you need to learn to calm your mind and try to remember that the expectations you feel at your performance are fair and valid, but they aren’t expectations, and it’s all in your head. 

Also, MEDICINE. Lots of medications can fuck with your ability to get hard. Research your medications and see if one of the downsides is erectile dysfunction. If yes, contact your doctor and tell him you’re experiencing these problems.

Also also, mind altering substances! Alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana just to name a few have all been noted as items that can decrease the ability to feel aroused or get aroused, especially in men. Maybe you struggle to get aroused because you’ve had too much to drink, or there’s too much THC in your system, or nicotine has decreased blood flow to your body. If you use any sort of drug, narcotic, or substance like this, maybe cut that out of your diet for awhile! 

The bottom line is that all this shit is way more complicated than we assume at first glance, and you should take the potential that porn is the problem seriously. But make sure you analyze your whole self during the process to figure out what the actual issue is, and don’t be afraid to approach doctors with these concerns.