#I also think the queue is an important part of tumblr treating old posts differently. it spreads out post memory and delays or prolong fads

[neverendingford]

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[snailymailybaby]

My Take on Snail Mail Etiquette

As anyone who follows this blog has picked up on, I am a very uninvolved blogger who infrequently makes large aesthetic queues and posts their own mail art before logging off and reappearing whenever I have more mail to post. I am going to borrow from the blogging style of my other blog and go ahead and write a bit of a thought piece. The inspiration from this is the most recent in a string of unfortunate experiences while penpaling but it’s not a unique situation or the only one I’m pulling from.

Penpaling Etiquette Penpaling is an extremely old practice and as such there is a certain decorum I believe many people associate with it. Of course, as it’s a practice that’s endured despite changes in technology that means it’s also a practice that’s adapted. Our use of Tumblr to find penpals is a great example of positive adaptations to an antiquated art. Where change can exist simultaneously with stagnation in any practice that naturally creates divisions among the practitioners. I, for one, consider myself to be part of what I consider the Old School way of penpaling and my thoughts on etiquette will be reflective to that style of penships. Though I think much of the etiquette I believe in is universal to all types of penpalers. 

Seeking Out Penships Penpaling is undeniably an intimate thing by the nature of it being centered around building a relationship with another person. Even with all the art on our envelopes, on our letters, or even sent with our letters; at the end of day we’re seeking out a connection with the person we’re writing to.  Keeping that in mind, there is a right way to seek out penships and there is a wrong way. For me, the right way is to approach the person you’re seeking to write the way you’d look to make a friend back in grade school: introduce yourself, include a little info about yourself, and politely ask if the person is accepting new penpals. I always feel that can be done in any order, but for me a red flag has always been people who without divulging anything about them or inquiring anything about me ask to be my penpal. Or worse yet, tell me they want to be my penpal. I read a certain entitlement into people who do not ask.  I’ll admit sometimes I’m imperfect in my responses to people looking, I’ll forget to give them my spiel because I’ve assumed they’ve read it somewhere and that’s why they’ve contacted me. People are imperfect and as the person seeking out new penpals or accepting new penpals it’s important to give as much grace as possible. So long as people are communicating with sincere interest little flaws in forgetting usual etiquette can and should be forgiven. Age Appropriate Penships In any practice that is welcoming to all ages it’s important to set up and maintain appropriate age boundaries. This is simple in penpaling, do not write to anyone under the age of 18 if you are a legal adult. If you are a minor, do not seek out or accept penpals over the age of 18. Minor to legal adult correspondence has an extreme imbalance in the power dynamic. Often adults who will seek out minors to write to are doing so because they’re seeking to manipulate the minor. Minors who are accepting of adult penpals are unwittingly engaging in penships that can have undue influence on them .  Even within the 18+ sticking to themselves age rule there can be age gaps between penpals that aren’t in the best interest of the younger party. An 18 year old writing to a 40 year old could be subjected to the same predatory penship as a 13 year old trying to write a 20 year old. There’s also a non-predatory reason why age gaps for adult penships don’t work. Quite simply, a 20 year old and a 25 year old are often at drastically different points in their life and that can make it hard to find common ground.  With the 17 and below age rule, again it’s imperfect and there can still be inappropriate age gaps. A 12 year old and a 17 year old shouldn’t be writing to one another for the same reasons that them hanging out in person or even dating would be problematic.  A good rule of thumb for minors: Keep it within a 2 year age gap.  A good rule of thumb for adults 18-22: Keep it within a 3 year age gap. A good rule of thumb for adults 23-30: Keep it within a 5 year age gap.  For adults these are what I’ve discovered to be “easy” to connect over age gaps, but obviously it’s up to the individual’s discretion as to what is a compatible.  Disclosing Mental Health I mention this only because I’ve come across it, so what’s the “right move” in disclosing mental health struggles you may have?  If it’s something that changes the way you socialize or requires you take extra precautions in who you socialize with/how you socialize (i.e. needing to share triggers) then it’s certainly worth including in your bio when reaching out to penpals.  Otherwise, just be wary of oversharing. If you have something you’d like to be upfront with because you feel it’s a deeply ingrained part of what makes you “you” it’s definitely fine to share that! Just remember that while the goal of penships is relationship building, from the start people are still strangers. Sharing the traumatic depths of your struggles extremely early in a penship can be overwhelming for your penpal. It also can cross into territory of unintentional emotional manipulation and cause a penpal who otherwise finds themselves incompatible to feel compelled to keep writing you because they fear for your well-being.  Remember, mental health is personal! That’s doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it (I talk to plenty of penpals about mental health!) but just remember it’s not something strangers have earned the right to know about you!  Respecting Boundaries When establishing a penship it’s important to create and respect boundaries. Some such boundaries that people have revolve around who they are comfortable writing too. Personally, I do not write to men.It’s a preference built off bad experiences with a few people who aren’t reflective of the whole--- but to look out for me I choose not write men. Should you seek out a penship and learn you fall into some demographic the person chooses not to write to, simply accept that respectfully and move on. In my situation, I have had people argue with me about my choice not to write them because they’re men. This will not endear the person to you and cause them to change their mind. People have reasons for restricting who them write to.  Aside from who people are willing to write to, another common boundary is in regards to communication outside of letters. Personally, as someone who belongs to the Old School style of penpaling I do not want to receive messages on social media outside of initial agreements to write one another. For me and others like me, much of the allure of penpaling comes from distance from my “real life”. Communicating solely through letters gives me material for my letters (I am a diary-style writer) and frankly gives me the space to connect with person’s true personality versus being biased by a social media presence. Be clear with the people you’re seeking a penship with whether or not you’re open to developing a friendship over social media as well or if you prefer not to.  Again, personally I prefer only receiving initial informational exchanges, updates on addresses, check-ins if it’s been a while since one of us has sent mail, or an occasional birthday/holiday message. For extremely longtime penpals I make exceptions.  Social media is another boundary. Unless someone invites you to add them on social media, please do not do this. Yes, you have the name of the person off their address and can technically “easily” discover their social media but that person is trusting in you to respect their privacy. If you want to share your social media that’s wonderful! Just recognize that your penpal may not want to and will not want their privacy invaded.  Patience Above all in penpaling you need to be patient.Postal services aren’t perfect whether it’s sending mail on the national or international level. Generally they’re reliable and predictable, but sometimes things go awry. Personally, nothing bothers me more than someone who sends daily or near daily messages inquiring after the arrival of their letter. While it generally can take 3-5 days for mail to travel in the US (where I am) this isn’t exact.  If you’re concerned your penpal hasn’t gotten your mail, it’s appropriate to ask them if it’s arrived and if it has not then ask that they update you when it has (assuming you’re concerned it’s lost). Do not message daily or multiple times in a week. If your penpal doesn’t get back to you within 2 weeks of your initial message, it’s fair game to message them once more in order to determine the likelihood the mail has been lost. Often people forget to update one another in the Old School community of penpals--- just by nature of being a little bit of penpaling Luddites. Another reason patience is absolutely necessary in this practice has to do with the rate of letter writing. Penpaling can be a time intensive process that take creative and emotional currency to partake in. As a result, many people do not write a response immediately upon receiving mail. Life and stress often get in the way of penaling. Or even when we have ample time, for those of us who are diary-style writers sometimes we feel there’s not enough going on with us to warrant writing a letter. If you feel you really cannot wait indefinitely for mail then that’s something that needs to be disclosed when you begin penships. There are people who can commit to consistent writing schedules and those that cannot.  Ultimately with penpaling, just remember that there’s another person who is sending and receiving mail. It’s not you and a robot. It’s living, breathing person who should be treated with the respect that they deserve.