#I don’t even wanna THINK about my ringling portfolio

[my-chemical-rot]

ouughhhh I need to sleep because it is 2in the morning but I finally have motivation to work on college apps so I wanna kinda wanna write a 7 page essay about nuclear mysticism rn

[my-motherflippin-blog-son]

VISUAL ART

google search: do i not have passion for anything or am i just depressed

Recently ive been thinking about my relationship to visual design. Im gunna think out loud for a sec here so bare with me. I’ve been in the visual media program for a year now and lets assess where im at and what ive learned about it.

Lets see, what do i like?

I like how the work makes me feel right after completing it.

I often don’t mind working on it, at least in the moment.

I don’t mind the learning process I don’t think.

I love the people in the program. Theres lots of cool people who are all so passionate about what they do

What don’t I like?

I Have trouble getting started on all my work. I know thats fairly common but i feel like it shouldn’t take this much self control and hyping up to get to the point where i’m actually doing the thing I like.  

I don’t Like that everyone else is so much more focus and intuative. like i get that they’ve been practicing more but if i really loved this why wouldnt i of taken matters into my own hands?  Camaryn is able to crank out portfolio worthy professional looking work every assignment. Julie is getting involved with contests and working to put herself through Ringling. Everyone is so much more professional about this stuff than me. Noting ive made recently looks professional. Nothing. it looks like student work. how the fuck am i supposed to compete with people in the real world for jobs and shit. everyones so much more INTO their work.

theres that key word that keeps bugging me. Passion. I don’t know where my fuckin passion is. Im not even passionate about writing this. I want to stop and sleep. But i have a need to think this shit through so i’m gunna push through best i can. I just feel like if i was actually passionate about this stuff i claim to love, I would be more creative[pgtdghf7edqtres gJ ){\;=poiugfxfdghgcjhvkjkl;jtdxfchgvhjbklhszfdgxtyuioreszdxfgjoiuyteaszdfhjkiouan  

//nothing i dpoo [ tfd6ersdfz is purposefully creative iuygjlkh;juytfdrsafghjkl;’’kjkhgfdgh

ii

fuck

nevermind

irony is a fuckin petulant bitch

i’ve been  givin so much and i’ve squandered it

all of it

i just wanna turn  out okay

i’m scared of obscurity and wasted opportunity  and wasted potential

i want  to not be alive

i’m scared that I was right about dying early in my college career.

depression is back and its overwhelming

but of course i cant complain about it again or else i risk losing camaryn and she’s all i got right now

im scared i cant have camaryn and other things in  my life. she requires all of my attention. but she doesn’t deserve to be with failed potential. she’s a creative i cant live up to how fucking creative and she is so passionate about so much i feel like i’m constantly tethering her down i want to stop being the most stressful thing in her life i fee like i’m just exponentially adding to what she has to deal with 

i just want to run for a while i don’t wanna keep fucking wallowing here

i saw a post that said “you get addicted to self improvement. if thats true than maybe im just having trouble getting started. So where do i start to pull myself up outta this fuckin quicksand of a bed?

i wanna go outside more 

i loved the woods.

the stuff on visual art wasn’t honest with how i feel rn.  this feels more truthful