#I don't think I'll ever be able to adequately express how much it means when i actually DO go out and say something

[seraphicrose]

it's like fucking noon and it's already been Day and honestly if i could give anyone advice it'd be to just not fall into that fallacy of a thought process that's "if i just try really hard every waking moment to be normal I'll achieve eventually" bc normalcy will not save you all that happens is that you make yourself miserable and steal your own words away, peace

[xxsammysaurousxx]

04/01/2019

I could make a blog post with a kawaii anime picture and such like I usually do but I have a lot I want to write about so I ended up using my boyfriend’s computer.

I honestly haven’t been doing a lot lately since I’ve been back but spending time with the family and playing phone games. I have so many new and enlightening books I need to read, art that is yet to be made, and things that have yet to be written - like me writing in my actual physical diary which is so rare these days but of which I used to do every single day - but I lack motivation. I could blame it on my disorder. Or I could blame it on being a protagonist. But either way I need to own up to the fact that this is something I am struggling with as my own flaw and I need to put forth the steps to fix this problem because I don’t always want to be this way. Especially since I am an influence to my children. Really I know deep down this lack of motivation stems from my disorder and me not using my strength and assets adequately. I really need to get some professional help but it’s hard to find a health clinic like they had in the country out here in the city. You’d think they’d be easier to find... Maybe I’m just not looking hard enough.

Anyways aside from that things have been going really really really well on the whole relationship and family front. 

Sometimes I’ll still get paranoia and random intrusive and irrational thoughts but for the most part I just try to put them aside and focus on all the good I have in my life because it truly is boundless and limitless. Sometimes it gets so bad though. Like I will actually play out negative scenarios in my head. Kind of like I’m daydreaming but instead of fantasizing about delightful things happening to me I imagine the worst possible things that could happen to me, emotionally. Maybe that is an offset of my PTSD. Maybe the paranoia and delusional visions is my subconscious trying to tell me that I still hold onto fear of being pained again. This is even evident in my day to day life because sometimes I will become suspicious and weary of my partner cheating on me when really I do have so much faith in him and believe that he would never do that to me. But when I get these paranoid thoughts and delusions it’s a different me. Not the real me. And I have to remind this me that it’s all in my head and to have more faith that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me because he truly does love me with all of his heart. Him and I have been through hell and back together and we are still together. We have both changed for the better for each other and through loving each other. 

Ugh there’s so much I want to document here. I am truly loving every single second of this life I am living with Bryan and our little family.

04/03/19

See this is exactly what I mean when I say it takes me forever to sit down and write a blog post. But I just found out I can write in cursive on here so that's pretty cool. I think the size of the font is kinda extra but I'm still going to use it cause I wanna. Anyways. I wish I could document all the moments happening in my life right now. There's so much beauty all around me and in my life every single day. It amazes me sometimes how blessed I am. And then of course Depression/irrational thoughts try to rear their ugly heads. But I have to remember the power and strength I have within myself and my God. There is nothing in this life I can not do. Anything is truly possible with this divine life path I have taken. I just must embrace the divinity of it.

As for my paranoia about my lover... It stems from my own insecurities as well as not being able to let go of the past. If I'm ever going to be truly happy with my man and in this relationship then I need to learn how to just let go of everything I've experienced in the past and just live in the present moment. Be here. Now. Because there is so much beauty in the present and I'm going to miss this one day.

I am going to miss this moment I am living in so much that I will look back on this blog and reminisce. Of when my son was so young - only 3 and a half months - and small and fragile...

How he plays with my hair and fusses when I set him down for too long and just wants to be held. How he holds onto my finger with his tiny hands and his adorable expressions and baby babble.

The other day B and I were taking Jedi somewhere and before leaving we looked into the car seat because the baby was giggling. He stopped when we both looked at him, looked up at us with his beautiful blue eyes, and laughed with us. It made B and I both so joyous. And this morning we were laying in bed with him as we do early in the mornings when he refuses to go back to sleep and he said "dada" and "yeah" & he also said "hi" this morning <3

And of course I'll miss how the first word he ever said was "mama" when he cries for me. This precious child of mine moves my heart to depths I never knew before.

And then my relationship woth B... It's truly the best it's ever been. I've never been so happy nor felt so secure in my whole life. I undwrstand him better especially about the whole not having sex thing because I can now harness my own spiritual energy when we are sexually stagnant. The love we share goes way beyond that of the physical and the relationship we share is truer than any other one ive ever been in. Sometimes I get crazy but I just need to learn to either be mindful of all the blessings and joy I have in my life or don't think at all.

Anyways we have shared a lot of beautiful moments these past two weeks we have been back together. I started playing Pokemon Go with him and we've caught a lot of beautiful sunrises together. The other morning I was looking at the game and B said excitedely "look babe!" & I dumbfoundedly looked up at the most gorgeous bright pink sunrise. It was definitely a good omen.

& This picture definitely does no justice but it will suffice~^0^

We also watched a movie I've been wanting to see on Netflix called The Dirt. You know, the one about Mötley Crüe. Legendary. Anywho I'm really glad we actually got to sit down and watch a movie together. We hardly ever get to do that because B doesn't really have the attention spam for movies, or so he says. He's just not a movie guy but he knows how badly I've been wanting to watch it with him and he canceled his plans woth his friend just to watch it with me. He's the best. He really is. And he deserves all of my love and faith. Unconditionally, just as my God loves me. <3 <3 <3

Oh yes, I'll miss this. The cuddles and warmth in the middle of the night. Being able to hold his hand whenever I need. Being able to talk to him about anything and everything. Going places and making love with him. But hopefully it never ends.

I believe in us. And our beautiful family.

~Xx Sammy Saurous RexX~