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And now a word from our sponsors... 101-150

Ep 102: Sears

And now a word from our sponsors. Today’s show has been brought to you by Sears. Sears would like you to know that they offer quality products at low prices. And also that there was a miscommunication and they thought this was a television station. They prepared a TV ad and aren’t sure what to do now. Um, I guess we’ll just describe what you would have seen, had you seen this commercial on TV. This is not the level of quality we want you to think of when you think of Sears, but here goes.

Exterior: a house. Snow drifts down onto yard already piled with snow. A warm glow on the snow, reflected light. We pan up. It is the light from the house’s windows. So cozy, so warm! Why would anyone ever want to leave and go to Sears? What kind of commercial is this? Wait, stick with us. Interior: living room. A woman looks out the window, bites her lip. “Bad weather,” she thinks. “I’m not going outside.” We don’t hear this as narration, the performer expresses this with her face, she’s a great actor. I wish you could have seen her, she doesn’t even talk in this commercial, all visual performance it’s, what a waste. So bad weather, she doesn’t want to go outside. She goes to the computer, loads up Amazon. It’s not Amazon, because we don’t want to advertise another company, but it’s like clearly Amazon, you know? We see her clicking on stuff, stuff she could be buying at Sears, but is instead buying on Amazon.

Flash forward a day. She got next day shipping, I guess. Same house exterior, it’s still snowy, the snow is high, the pavement is icy. A mail truck pulls up. A mail carrier gets out. He has her package. We see her in the window, so happy about her decision to buy from Amazon. He starts up the drive to her, he slips on the ice. Her package goes flying. It says “fragile” in the package, so that’s probably ruined. He falls badly, fractures his leg in three places! We don’t know this just by looking at it, but the filming of the stunt didn’t go like it was supposed to, so I can tell you: fractured in three places. Horror on her face. She does a great job acting this scene, I really wish you could have seen it.

We’re now in a court room. She’s being sued! The jury looks stern. She’s going to love. All of her savings will go to the mail carrier, but he isn’t happy either. He is in incredible daily pain, and what is money going to do to fix that? No one. Is. Happy. We fade out on the two of them at their separate tables in court, both facing a future that is diminished, that is diminishing. Next time, get in your car and go to Sears. This has been a message from your sponsor.

Ep 106: A grey pigeon

And now a word from our sponsors. 

Today’s show is brought to by a grey pigeon, whispering to you from your neighbor’s backyard. The pigeon – his name is Alfonso – is telling you that you are the one true God. [serene voice] And that he wants you to bring it a body part. A human body part. Doesn’t matter which part. Just do it. [ominously] Soon. [serenely] “Time’s almost gone. The Bible was wrong,” the pigeon added, suddenly from your right shoulder. “There never was a beginning.” 

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 107: Ace Hardware

More soon, but first a word from our sponsors. 

Today’s show is brought to by Ace Hardware on Fifth and Shay Street. Which is a real hardware store, and not merely a camouflaged snake pit. Ace Hardware is here to fit all of your needs, and while it may look like a crude representation of a store created out of leaves and trash by hundreds of animals that had to work without the benefit of limbs. Trust us that we are a real store, that you can really enter, and will definitely leave again, alive and uneaten. Don’t worry, the near deafening hiss is the sound of [voice and music distort, static] hardware savings on everything including [ding] circular saws, reciprocating saws, [voice turns normal but the music still distorts] coping saws, and of course hand saws. All kinds of saws are 50 per cent off during this week’s “you saw it, you bought it” sale. Come by today. We also copy keys if you need that, so again, come on buy. 

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 113: Equinox Gym

But before crunching those numbers, a quick message from today’s sponsor. 

Equinox Gym. At Equinox, we focus on the whole body. Particularly, the soft and vulnerable parts of that body. Stop by our windowless complex today to meet with a dietician about this month’s promotion, the Zima cleanse. Or for even faster results, nothing torches calories like our calorie torch. Also, new members this week to Equinox receive 60 days of free access to our popular Judgment Spa. 

This has been a word from our sponsor.

Ep 114: The new green co-op

And now a word from our sponsors. 

Today’s show is brought to you by the new green market co-op, which just opened up on Galloway Road between Patty’s Hardware and Discount Pastries and one of those escape-the-room places, where you wake up in a bath tub chained to a pipe, and there’s  another person across the room also chained to a pipe, and in the middle of the room is a dead body with a gun and a cassette player? Yeah, I hear those are great fun. Green market co-op owner Tristan Cortez said he opened the new store to provide a safe space for all your produce optics and food content transactions. Too often, the people who eat food don’t know where they are, or why they are, and they cry. They just sob in the middle of a store, afraid. Well, the new green market co-op store front on Galloway Road won’t let that happen, Cortez said. He said he will there every day to hold your hand, to nuzzle your neck with his nose, to whisper to you: “Don’t be afraid”, as he hands you an eggplant.

Ep 117: Money

Listeners, we have a new sponsor! Our show is brought to you by – money. When purchasing items, please consider using money. It’s exchanged universally in place of transactions with actual value. Money is available in handy ones, fives, sixes, eights, and now twenties. [very fast] Money may be habit forming, symptoms may include (avarice), lack of introspection and, frequent substitution of the phase “intelligent” for “wealthy”. Please ask your doctor if money is right for you and nod with considerable vigor when your doctor asks if you think money will complete you.

Ep 119: Love

We have a new sponsor. Our show is now sponsored by – love. Uh definitely consider love when wanting to buy things, because… love conquers all, makes the world go round, and is all you need. This has been a message from love, conqueror of our former sponsor, money. It’s what makes a Subaru a Subaru.

Ep 121: Ford

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Ford! Our cars are built strong, strong like a rock or a mountain or a bone. In fact, our cars are built out of bones, weird metal bones that were buried in a meteor. What creature did they belong to? How did it live with a skeleton of steel? Are its relatives even now streaking down from the sky, intent on revenging themselves upon the pitiful culture that desecrated their dead and turned them into affordable and reliable pickup trucks? Who knows. We certainly don’t. We barely understand how an engine works. We have one guy who knows, and he builds them all. But in order to protect his job, he won’t show anyone else how to do it. Now that’s smart thinking. Ford: drive weird bones.

Ep 122: ???

And now a word from our sponsors. 

Mute children perched atop strange formations on desert plateaus. Our eyes gaze toward a horizon that will never change. There is no movement here, no sun, but there is light. No darkness, but there is night. We do not need to eat, but we are hungry. We have no way to drink, but we are thirsty. We have nothing to sell you. Remember us. 

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 127: ???

And now a word from our sponsors. 

Pay no attention to the vase in your backyard. All human beings die. This is unrelated to the vase in your backyard. You don’t remember purchasing that vase. Certainly it does not seem like your style. It wouldn’t go with any of your things, and that is not a color you buy glasswork in. You are, just in this moment, realizing you have opinions about the color of glasswork, and this is causing you to reassess in some small way your sense of self. But pay no attention to that vase in your backyard. We all get slower, get sick, and then we pass on. This is unrelated to the vase in your backyard. The vase in your backyard did not cause this. It is an inornate vase, not of any recognizable era or culture. Perhaps you should plant climbing vines or thick shrubs around the vase, so that eventually, you won’t have to see it anymore. It will be covered over with greenery, as you will some day be covered over with greenery. 

Everything will eventually be covered over with greenery, until the greenery goes too.

But pay no attention to the vase in your backyard.

All human beings die. 

This is unrelated to the vase.

This message was brought to you.

Ep 133: ???

And now a word from our sponsor. 

Today’s sponsor is… huh, okaay. Hmm, they just sent a video tape with the labels torn off of it. I guess I’ll watch it and describe what I’m seeing. [clears throat] [talking fast] It’s a black and white shot of a kitchen, a man is making a sandwich, it’s a falafel sandwich with cucumbers and tomatoes and he eats the sandwich, smiles at the camera and leaves the room. Now there’s a big red text thing, uh “there must be another way”. Now we’re back at the kitchen and the man is making a sandwich. He seems confused, as though he remembers having just done this. In his confusion, as he is cutting the tomatoes, the knife slips and oh my god- oh my god! Oh, he’s screaming but now that same text “there must be another way” and the, the man is back making the sandwich and he’s still screaming, uh but he realizes his hand is intact, and he goes to the phone uh to make a call and he slips and bangs his head on the counter and he falls out of frame and the text says again “there must be another way”. And the man is back and and, and he’s pale and shaking and he’s feeling his head, and he can’t believe it’s not broken open and he runs to the door and out into the yard and the camera follows him, and it’s not clear who is filming, and there is an earthquake and and a crevice opens up in his lawn and he disappears into it and again, “there must be another way” and he is back in the kitchen and he’s weeping. How long is this? OK, it, OK it looks like this tape is at least three hours long, so I’ll watch the rest of it later uhhhh, and kind of summarize. Maybe then we’ll figure out who is even sponsoring this thing.

Ep 136: Bed Bath and Beyond

And now a word from our sponsors.

When we talk apocalypse, we talk fires and spires of smoke and screams and wars and horrid clouds of ash and floods. And this is a comforting vision, because it supposes we’re all in it together. But death is mostly something you keep to yourself. In all reality, the apocalypse is likely going to just be you alone in a room with the flu. Bed, Bath and Beyond: you’re going to need some new sheets.

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And now a word from our sponsors... 51-100

Ep 52: The concept of itching

And now, a word from our sponsors:

Today’s sponsor is the concept of itching.

Listeners, are you looking for an action that will pass the time, but also is mildly irritating? Searching for a way to have your body express reaction to material it is allergic to? Want to express confusion in the most stereotypical manner possible? I am just thrilled to be here on behalf of itching.

Itching has been with humans as long as there has been humans. Longer than that, even! Why, beings have been having to scratch themselves almost as long as they’ve been being.

It can be fun! It mostly won’t be. But, if it’s your thing, or if it’s in a spot that’s easy to reach, then it can sort ofbe fun! I’m not saying it will definitely be fun, it probably won’t be.

The concept of itching. For a free sample, just think about it. Oh? There you go! See? Your experiencing it right now!

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 55: Outback Steakhouse

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Traditionally, when cooking steak, there have been a few basic rules to follow. For instance, using a form of meat that is recognized by both the current culture and the human body as “food;” following basic food safety procedures, so as to prevent illness; not intentionally not intentionally bleeding on the finishing steak…but that’s just traditionally.

Here at Outback Steakhouse, we say “No rules, just right. Absolutely no rules.”

Food safety? Pssh! Federal law? Ugh! The laws of physics? What are you, a narc? It’s weird here. The steak floats. Sometimes the steak is and also isn’t, simultaneously. Sometimes the steak is a chair, and we point at the chair and we say, ‘that chair is a steak.’ And we make you eat it. That is the one rule: if we say something is a steak, you have to eat it. No questions asked. I know we said there are no rules, but that itself is a rule and so is void. You want your philosophy non-contradictory? Go to Sizzler.

In the bathroom, where most places have signs saying “Employees must wash hands,” we just carved “Land of the free” directly into the wall. There isn’t even a sink in there. Heck, our bathrooms are just sealed vaults full of poisonous gases.

No rules. We might kill you. We’ve killed a lot of people.

Outback Steakhouse. Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

Ep 56: Staples

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s program is brought to you by Staples. Staples has the largest collection of office supplies anywhere. From printer toner to paperclips, Staples has everything you could possibly ever want to run your business.

Just imagine it! Imagine your office. A great mahogany desk, with ornate leg carvings depicting old gods, a crisp new suit, and high-backed chair made of rare animal hide. Imagine a workforce that has all it needs to succeed. Imagine an open floor plan, allowing you the freedom to see the stars, which geometrically describe the shapes of Old Gods.

You wail to the stars. You howl your strategic plan to the stars. The Old Gods like your presentation.

You smell prey. Follow the blood scent. Imagine the distant cries of your colleagues baying beneath moonlit pines, their teeth glistening with hunger.

Imagine teamwork. Imagine a business running at its most efficient. Imagine a lone deer, trapped against a wild stream. A wounded leg. Nowhere to run. Surrounded, it will fight…but your business will fight harder. You have everything you need. Plus, there’s that refreshing stream for a cold drink when you are through with this gory work.

Staples. Worship Old Gods.

Ep 57: PetCo

And now, a word from our sponsors.

An empty food bowl. An untouched water bowl. A silence in the house. A cage containing nothing. A feeling of unease that was once soothed by a joyous instinctual companionship.

We listen out our window, and hear not a passing jangle. Not a “No,” or a “Wait for me!” Nothing meows. Nothing does. Absolutely nothing meows.

The night is so quiet that our thoughts are a clatter, keeping us awake.

In the distance, a dog doesn’t bark.

PetCo. Where did the pets go?

Ep 58: Silent Self-reflection

But first, a word from our sponsor.

Today’s show is brought to you by silent self-reflection.

Are you aware of what’s inside of you?

No, not soft meats and deadly microorganisms. More than that. What makes you you?

How are you able to acknowledge that you are even a thing, separate from the rest of the universe?

Do you find yourself casting about in the white noise of the living world, your eardrums clogged with the filth of existence?

We here at Night Vale Community Radio recommend silent self-reflection. Give it a try.

Here’s some silence. During this silence, reflect on yourself. Reflect on your life, your being. Close your eyes, and just reflect. Let in no sights, no sounds – and reflect.

Ready? Here goes.

[A span of complete silence]

Did you reflect? That was a long silence, right? Do you know how long that silence was? Ha-ha! It was two weeks! You’ve been unconscious for two full weeks! You’ve been pronounced legally dead! Your family misses you, but you’re finally free to be the living ghost you’ve always dreamed of being. Ha-ha-ha! Congratulations! Enjoy a life free of legal consequence.

Ep 60: Chevrolet

The sponsor of today’s show.

Our program is brought to you today by Chevrolet, and their new line of all-electric vehicles. These vehicles are made entirely of electricity. You already own one. There’s a Chevrolet inside your home’s wiring this very moment! Your microwave, your television…you will have to harness that power and learn to turn pure electricity into matter, and then that matter into an operational vehicle, and then figure out how to operate that vehicle.

But it’s all there! Right now! In your home!

In fact, since you already have the car, don’t you think you should have paid for it? Don’t you think you owe Chevrolet for the car you have? That’s how the world works! There are no free cars, pal! Nope! Please send $45,000 to Chevrolet right now.

Or, return the vehicle. You either pay the money, or return the car. One or the other. That’s only fair, right?

Chevrolet. We’re trying to be reasonable here!

Ep 61: Kobe Beef

While I do that, here’s a word from our sponsors.

[Sounds of Cecil rustling around]

Today’s’ broadcast is sponsored by Kobe beef.

Kobe beef.

[chime]

The beef that makes you fresh.

Ep 62: Not Fiji Water

And now, a word from our sponsor.

You are thirsty. Of course you are. We are all metaphorically thirsty for better things, but you are literally thirsty. Literally thirsty for anything. You could feel your dry lips, swollen and sticking together, their crusted gray edges adorning the pink pain beneath. You lick your lips, felling better for a moment, but actually worsening the problem.

It’s hot, right? Pretty hot and dry, actually.

Are those flies? Yes. Those are flies.

Are those birds…vultures? Yes. Actual vultures in your home.

“How did these soaring scavengers get in my home?” you think.

Perhaps you could use some cool, pure, natural and refreshing Fiji Water. Yes, Fiji Water sounds sooo nice, doesn’t it?

But Fiji Water is not who is sponsoring this show. Fiji Water doesn’t even know about this show. Who is sponsoring this show? We cannot tell you. We’re not allowed.

Fiji Water is completely unaware of you, too.

So sorry, this will not end quickly. So very, very sorry.

This has been a word from our sponsor.

Ep 63: ???

And now, another word from our sponsors.

You already know who we are. We introduced ourselves earlier. Let’s not waste time reiterating the benefits of our product, how little it costs, how easy it is to get, how unwise it would be not to buy it, and where exactly we took your loved ones.

Instead, let’s concentrate on the legally-required disclaimers. We, uh, we forgot to do those, and our lawyer got really mad about it. Have you ever seen a mad lawyer? Their ears stand straight up, and they won’t stop barking at you. It’s…terrifying.

So, we need to add that using our product could result in sterility, senility, hearing loss, vision loss, finger decomposition, major toe swelling…like a lot of toe swelling – that might not sound like a big deal, but wait until you see how big your toes get – scratchiness of the throat, throat loss, heart palpitations and minor night screaming.

Also, when we said hearing loss, we meant you’d be able to hear loss. As plants age, as pets die, as marriages break apart, or evolve, or settle from a fluttering of hands to a loose intertwining of fingers, as children leave home to go wherever it is that children go after the age of 10, all of these common forms of loss you will be able to hear, it will be deafening.

Oh, we could go on all day about the ways our product will severely ruin you, physically and emotionally, but what are you going to do? Not buy it? I think that you and your (for the moment, safe) loved ones know that you will buy our product no matter what we say. So, let’s not waste any more time. Our lawyer has stopped barking.

Buy our product.

This has been another word from our sponsors.

Ep 66: Craigslist

And now, a word form our sponsors.

Too much clutter in your home? Do you have excess furniture? Old clothes? A couple of folding bikes you never ride anymore? Jazz CDs that you no longer want because you finally realized how intellectually dangerous they can be?

Perhaps you could put that stuff online for sale!

There’s no reason to let old junk go to waste. How does that saying go? “One person’s trash is another person’s leather bodysuit?” It’s true! I bet that couch of yours would look really good in, say, Denise Esposito’s house. In fact, it’s there now. We went ahead and sold your couch to Denise. She’s already come and picked it up while you were at work.

Also, we sold your TV to Sally Jensen, and your fridge to Mario Landis, and both of your cats to Pedro Renia. We sold all of your belongings, and you didn’t have to do a thing!

Craigslist. We sold your stuff while you were gone.

Ep 71: Venom Box

First, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s sponsor is Venom Box, the subscription service that sends you a box of venomous creatures every month. Last month’s theme was “Hidden, But Deadly.” And those who survived that will love this month’s theme: “Fanged and Impossibly Quick.”

Venom Box has been sending me samples and, boy! Have I almost died! I have almost died…a lot!

They are very dangerous, these boxes. Each individually curated Venom Box is literally a box of toxic and aggressive creatures. That’s…what they are. It’s not even a secure box; it’s a hastily-constructed cardboard box! Often, the creatures escape before you can open the Venom Box. The only thing worse than opening a box to find venomous creatures inside, is opening a box that is supposed to have venomous creatures inside…and instead, finding nothing. Then, looking around your home, feeling [*gasp*] is that a tickle on your toe? You were imagining that, right?

To get a free sample, just do nothing. Or, try to prevent it. Actively try to keep the Venom Box out, it doesn’t matter. Whatever you do, you are subscribed to Venom Box every month from here on out.

Good luck!

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 72: JoAnn’s Fabrics

Here now with a message from today’s sponsor is Deb, a sentient patch of haze.

Hi, Deb!

Deb: Hi, human broadcaster! Hello, mortal listeners. It’s back-to-school time again, and the kids still need new clothes, bags, lunches, falconry gear, rappelling equipment, and other basic school supplies. So much stuff! Where will you find time to go to all of those stores?

Well, you don’t have to go to a bunch of different stores, you only need one store: Jo-Ann Fabrics.

Cecil: Cool! I thought, uh, Jo-Ann Fabrics only sold fabrics!

Deb: That’s simply untrue. Why would you even say that?

Cecil: Well, I just assumed from the name that Jo-Ann Fabrics would…

Deb: Stop talking!

Jo-Ann Fabrics welcomes any parent too overwhelmed by school, or a life, or parenthood, or whatever. Anything. Maybe you’re afraid of flying, and you have to get on a plane soon. The threat is real, you know.

Cecil: I think planes are actually much safer than they used to…

Deb: Oh my God, Cecil! Can we have a conversation for once?

Cecil: You– You– You're– You’re right. You’re right. I’m sorry, Deb. Uh, I mean, the thing is, Jo-Ann Fabrics does fabrics better than anyone, so…a creative person could make clothes, and bags, and all kinds of stuff for their…kids?

Deb: You’re obsessed with fabrics!

Cecil: Well…

Deb: Fine. Go on about your fabrics. What do I care about your petty human concerns?

Cecil: Ooh! Carlos bought a nice batik at Jo-Ann’s recently. It’s got, umm…

Deb: You don’t know what batik is.

Cecil: I don’t.

Unknown deep voice: Jo-Ann Fabrics.

Deb: Aah! What the heck is that?

Cecil: I– I– don’t know! I– I– I’ve never heard that voice before!

Unknown deep voice: For all you back-to-school needs.

Deb: Oh my God! That’s really weird.

Cecil: Yeah, it is!

Unknown deep voice: Joooooooooooo-Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn’s….

Deb: I’m outta here!

Unknown deep voice: Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…

Cecil: O– OK, uh, bye, Deb.

Unknown deep voice: …aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabrrrrics.

Ep 74: Knife

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Today’s show is sponsored by Knife.

Need to cut a thing? Use Knife! Need to poke a hole in another thing? Try using Knife. Have one thing and want it to become two or more smaller things? You could try Saw. Saw sometimes works. But other times, you need Knife.

Just listen to Knife in action!

[Sound that is not unlike a jackhammer]

Amazing!

[Sound that is not unlike a jackhammer]

Knife!

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 75: The gut feeling that you did something wrong...

But, while we wait, let’s have a message from our sponsors.

Today’s sponsor is that gut feeling that you did something wrong, but you can’t think of what it could be. What was it? You feel so guilty, but your guilt has no target. It circles, and circles, but cannot land. You think back through the day, trying to find the source of the gnawing guilt, but there is nothing. And you realize that there never was a specific cause. It’s just a part of you.

You are the guilt. You are the shame.

And this only makes you feel more guilty, more ashamed, that these emotions are somehow tied into your very being.

As Albert Einstein famously said after he died, “The call is coming from inside the house.”

That gut feeling that you did something wrong, but you can’t think about what it could be. Try it today. And tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 76: Harper Perennial

And now, a word from our sponsors.

(Um, personally? I find the content of this ad…distasteful, given my earlier warning, but I’m informed by station management that I have to read it as written.)

Here goes.

Many of us like books. None of us like to admit it. We know that reading makes us deviants, perverts, freaks. Many of us might say – on the radio for instance – that books are dangerous and should be avoided. Even thinking the words “I like books” to ourselves makes us shudder with a secret shame.

We know that we should only be reading government pamphlets, and the prophecies on the back of cereal boxes…but again and again, we find ourselves returning to the dark sickness of literary language.

Who among us can say that they do not have, buried in a box of linens under their bed, a well-read copy of Brand New Ancients by Kate Tempest, or a collection of Annie Baker’s Vermont Plays?

Given all this, should we band together, deviant with deviant? A deviance so natural that it is no deviance at all, but an ingrained motion of the heart, a secret desire so common, that it is no more secret than the sun? Should we begin to admit, together, that we all sometimes like to touch and read books?

No! Of course not! We should be ashamed and hide our love of books from each other, heaping scorn and hypocritical anger upon anyone who dares to reveal that they have the same desires we do.

Harper Perennial. All of our literature is shipped to you in unmarked brown paper wrappings. Charges will appear on your credit card statement as DEFINITELY **NOT** BOOKS.

No one has to know you are a book reading freak.

This has been a message from our sponsors.

Ep 77: Your Mom

And now a word from our sponsor.

Today’s show is sponsored by…well, it’s sponsored by…your mom.

She’s really nice, and she mailed us a ten dollar bill to sponsor this show. That’s well below our usual advertising rate here at the station, but your mom was just the sweetest!

She also wrote a letter saying that she hopes you’re having a fun time listening to the show, she knows it’s your favorite radio program (aww!), and wants you to know that she loves you very much (awwwwww!).

Your mom also wants to know if you’re still seeing that boy. He’s bad news, and she doesn’t like his tattoos. Not that people with tattoos are bad, that’s not what she’s saying, but…

“What do you think his skin will look like when he’s 60?” she added. “What do you think anyone’s skin will look like when they’re 60?” she said repeatedly.

She asked several quiet sad questions about the process of aging. Then she said she cares for you no matter what. She just wants you to be happy.

This message has been brought to you by your mom.

Ep 78: Corn and Imaginary Corn Farmers of America

Let’s pause now for a word from today’s sponsor. With that, here’s Deb, a sentient patch of haze.

Deb: Hello, human listeners. Today’s show is proudly sponsored by corn. It’s almost Thanksgiving, after all, and you wouldn’t have Thanksgiving without corn.

Thanksgiving is America’s holiday. Corn is America’s crop. America’s life blood. You can’t live without corn! If we didn’t have corn, we wouldn’t have tortillas, or syrup, or soft drinks. Without corn, we wouldn’t have dogs, or cars! We wouldn’t even have a moon. Everything is made of corn!

Listen to your heartbeat. “ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzph!” You hear that heartbeat of yours? I’m a patch of haze, I don’t know what a heartbeat sounds like. But this is what I imagine it sounds like. “ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzph!” That sound in your chest is corn, my friend. All that corn, pumping through your delicate mortal veins.

You didn’t choose how ya got here. Neither did corn. You are both products of free market and overpopulation.

Corn. Eat it.

This message is brought to you by the Corn and Imaginary Corn Farmers of America.

Ep 79: Richter’s Eye Glass Hut

Uh, while I avert my gaze from the Shriner’s homunculi, let’s have a word from our sponsors.

Do you have dry eyes? Red eyes? Goat eyes? Aphid eyes? Any other eyes you’re not currently using? We want your eyes at Richter’s Eye Glass Hut!

We give you money for your unwanted eyes and turn them into glass for affordable window panes.

How? Don’t ask questions.

Come on down to Richter’s Eye Glass Hut, located conveniently off the highway helix in the shadow of the immense precarious rock.

No longer accepting potato eyes or the eye of a storm. Not responsible for our windows watching you while you sleep.

Ep 81: Google

And now, a word from our sponsors:

Today’s sponsor is Google. Looking for pictures of a monkey riding a pony? Just search that on Google and it will probably be there. Looking for pictures of a dog named Table? Search that, and I bet someone named their dog Table and took a picture.

How about an image of the exact moment of your death? I don’t know, that might be on there too. Give it a search!

The internet is huge. Whatever it is, it’s probably on there.

Google. Search for super-weird stuff. You’ll probably find something at least kind of similar.

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 82: Pfizer

And now, a word from our sponsor. Here with that is Deb, a sentient patch of haze…and also, I think, our ad sales manager here at the station.

Deb: Oh, I don’t work for the station.

Cecil: But you regularly provide me with copy for our live spots. Oh, and you also read ads from various companies on the air. Do you work for an ad agency?

Deb: Cecil, please.

Cecil: But this is my show. If you don’t actually work at the station, or for the companies you’re pitching, I’d kind of like to know who you work for.

Deb: Shhh. Not everything can be an emergency.

Okay, then.

Human listeners, today’s show is brought to you by Pfizer. What does Pfizer do? What doesn’t Pfizer do?

Whoo! All the things Pfizer can help you with! We can’t even begin to describe it to you.

You know what? Pfizer is indescribable. How can you put it into words what Pfizer does? You can’t. You wouldn’t. No, you you absolutely would not. You would not dare describe what we do.

You’re still trying to describe us in your mind, aren’t you? Maybe Pfizer wasn’t articulate enough. Maybe Pfizer can’t trust you. You have betrayed  Pfizer. Don’t say no.

Did you just say no?

Why are you always arguing with us!?! We give, and give, and give, and we never ask for anything other than money in return. We only ask for money, and that you try not to describe us in words! And what do you do? You give us lots of money, but you also try to describe us in words!

Pfizer. We can’t even with this right now.

Ep 83: Happy-looking dog

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s show is sponsored by a happy-looking dog that’s woofing and wagging his tail.

He just wants you to play, or to pet him! Or maybe, just to stop feeling sad for a moment. He wants what’s best for you, even if he doesn’t know that he wants it. His instincts have been tinkered with, made to align with your interests. And now, his happiness is yours.

He’s a big-eyed, woofing dog, and he’s dancing from paw to paw because he’s so excited to make your life better.

Are you about to take him for a walk? Oh, no! Did someone say the W word? Did the physical needs of an animal companion force someone to also go outside and move their body, both things that will chemically make them feel better?

What a convenient system. What a good boy!

What a good boy.

This has been brought to you by a happy-looking dog that’s woofing and wagging his tail.

Ep 84: Dove

Let’s have a word from our sponsor.

Today’s show is brought to you by the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. Super-real beauty. Beauty so real you won’t even recognize it as your own.

Like a set of human lungs, on a white table. So real, so beautiful. Most people have lungs, expanding, contracting, attached to nothing. Just lungs. On a white table.

Most beauty products won’t show you what a set of human lungs look like, because they think you can’t handle real beauty. They will photoshop out the models’ lungs, leaving a gaping gory hole in their chests. But an empty upper-rib cavity is not what a real person looks like. No. We look like this. A pair of lungs breathing autonomously on a white table in a white room with music playing. Inspirational music. Mostly choir and keyboards, you know the drill. Don’t gotta tell you about inspirational music, am I right?

Dove. Lungs on a white table.

Ep 86: Papa John’s

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Today’s show is brought to you by Papa John’s. At Papa John’s we make pizza with only the freshest ingredients, using old-world recipes passed down from our family’s many generations of pizza makers. Nearly all of these pizza makers are still alive, making pizza and passing down recipes. They live in the back. We’re running out of room for them.

We’ve long given up on thinking they’d eventually die. Why don’t they die? I mean, we love them, but there are close to 50 people in our family dating back to at least the 1800s, their bodies aging and failing, but never…you know…dying.

Perhaps it’s our secret recipes causing that.

You’d think so, but it’s not. Because a few members of our family have actually passed away…although, now that we’re thinking about it, those were public executions for treason back during the first World War. And another couple were car accidents.

Maybe it is the sauce?

Either way, visit your local Papa John’s. Order a delicious pizza. How hard can it be? Immortality, we mean.

Papa John’s. It’ll be fine.

Ep 87: Kleenex

And finally, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s show is sponsored by Kleenex brand tissue products.

We know that you have a lot of choices when it comes to your nose. For instance, you could choose to simply not have one. Just pop it right off and go on with your day unhindered. Or you could choose to have multiple decorative noses that turn your face into a provocative modern sculpture. But instead, you decided to have just the one nose…that half the time doesn’t work, and is exactly between your eyes, where it sits distractingly in your vision at all times for no reason. Of course, your brain tunes that out…unless someone calls attention to it, so I guess that’s not too bad.

But, in general, you’ve chosen the barely-functioning weird nose you have. And we’re sure glad you did!

Kleenex brand tissue products. You have a lot of choices in life. We’re glad you – for some reason – chose the faulty body you have.

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 89: Clorox Bleach

And now, a word from our sponsors:

It is possible the world is ending. If you cannot hide, then you must run. If you cannot run, then you must die.

This message brought to you by Clorox Bleach.

Ep 92: Delta Airlines

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Sometimes you are on the precipice, the moment where everything could topple. Maybe it is danger, or a hard choice, or just change (which is, in our perception, the biggest danger of all). And sometimes we are on the smooth flats, where everything is stable, and the precipice is just a tickle in the back of the back of our minds.

But deep down, we know the truth. We see it sometimes, driving at night through a rainstorm, or when the phone rings at the wrong hour, or when the plane starts to shake, there are no smooth flats. It’s all precipice. Always.

And sometimes we are facing the precipice, and sometimes we are turned away. But it is always there, and we are always teetering.

And maybe the fall isn’t even the worst part. Maybe, when we fall, there is at least the relief that we know we’re falling. No more uncertainty. Maybe the worst part is the teetering, the teetering for years and years.

Delta Airlines: It’s not like you’re safe anywhere else.

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 93: Samsung

But first, a word from our sponsor.

Draw a rectangle on your wall. Make it a big rectangle, wider than it is tall. Put it at eye level, across from your sofa. Then color it in, all black. A big, black rectangle on your wall.

Now erase the black coloring and then draw a picture – let’s say, of Nathan Fillion from the TV show Castle. Next to him, draw the actor Molly Quinn, who plays his daughter Alexis on the show.

You like Castle. It’s a good show. Let’s say it’s your favorite scene from Castle where Rick and Alexis reconcile their differences after an important court case.

So, they’re talking to each other. Rick is about to say, “I’m sorry.”

Okay. Got that? Now, erase that and draw the same scene again, only they’ve moved ever-so-slightly Rick is just beginning to open his mouth now.

Got it? Good.

No erase that and do it again, Rick’s mouth slightly more open as he begins the first sound of the word “I’m.” Maybe draw Alexis gently lowering her eyes to receive his statement, still a bit unsure about what is to come.

Keep doing that: erasing and redrawing frame by frame, each fraction of a second, until you have fully animated the scene.

Time consuming, isn’t it? Perhaps you should get a Samsung smart TV. We’ll flicker all these images and stories at you without you even having to move! No offense, but we’re much faster at it than you are. Also, Nathan Fillion looks nothing like that. Did you think we said Nathan Lane? I mean, he’s a talented actor too, but he was never on Castle. Were you thinking of Modern Family? We bet you were thinking of Modern Family

Samsung. Stop drawing on your wall!

Ep 94: Kleenex

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s show is sponsored by a company that makes more than you’d expect. Sure, they’re famous for that one thing, but did you know they make a whole lot more than that? Look around you! Do you see an object that immediately jumps out? Maybe it’s on the coffee table, or in the cup holder of your car, or on the ground next to the quiet country road you’re walking down. Yes, that thing! That’s the one! We made that! Aren’t you proud of us?

Pick it up. Hold it up to your left ear. What do you hear? Does the object make a sound? Is it possible that other sounds you thought were coming from other sources are actually coming from the object itself?

No? Oh, my! Aren’t we very confident about how the world works!

Rub it against your face. You don’t want to do that? Because it’s heavy – or it was just sitting in the dirt, or because it’s alive. Hey, we made this thing. We made it just for you! Don’t be ungrateful! Just touch it once to your cheek so you can feel the quality we built into it.

Did the sound that it’s making change at all? Maybe you’ve made it happy! Or angry.

Shake it once. Did that change its sound? Did that change its mood? Is it making a buzzing sound? If it is, put it down, it’s definitely angry now. Uh, in fact, maybe you picked up the wrong thing and that wasn’t the thing that we make. That might have been a wasp nest.

We’re sorry we told you to hold a wasp nest up to your face.

Kleenex. We make more things than you think. But not wasp nests.

Sorry.

Ep 95: Starbucks

Let’s get to our program sponsor now.

Today’s show is brought to you by Starbucks. Start your day off feeling great. Maybe grab a latte or a caramel macchiato or even a mocha frappuccino on your way to work. Just make sure you’re feeling great first. We’ll know if you’re not. If you purchase one of our products while not feeling great, you’re going to make us not feel great, and that kind of negativity is infectious, you know. Perhaps you think our coffee-related product line will help you get beyond not feeling great into actually feeling great, but you can’t rely on nutritional stimulants to achieve positivity. No, no. Caffeine and sugar will get your energy up, sure, but that crash is coming, and it won’t be pretty. And we don’t want you hanging that on us. Get yourself in a good place. Really be positive. Fake it till you make it, we suppose. But you better be an excellent faker. If we find out you showed up to one of our thousands of Starbucks locations worldwide while unhappy, we are going to be livid. Just beside ourselves, all of us, every Starbucks employee standing in a line, literally beside ourselves, holding hands and saying directly to you: “Don’t come here with your nasty attitude and expect us to bear the weight. Oh no. Oh NO, you will NOT.”

Starbucks. Cool your hot mess before you show your face around here.

Ep 97: Walmart

But first, a word from our sponsors. 

Today’s show is brought to you by Walmart. 

For any product you can think of: home, office, garden, automotive, toys, clothes, groceries? There’s your neighborhood Walmart, and our always low prices. For every product you cannot cannot think of: repressed memories, forbidden knowledge, an incorporeal twin sibling dwelling in the back of your brain? Antimatter, uranium? There’s also Walmart. We will sell you anything, whether you can comprehend it or not. Walmart will sell it to you. Sentient maple leaves? Walmart has it. Alternate timeline that avoids a climate change apocalypse? Walmart has it. Immortality? Walmart has it. And we will beat anyone else’s price. Walmart: save money, live in an alternate timeline. 

[talking very fast] Apocalypse avoidance not guaranteed. Lack of climate change does not preclude nuclear winter, asteroid impact, or solar flares. Please consult the oracle before making any purchases off Walmart. Low price guarantee not available in Michigan. 

[linkingnightvale]

And now a word from our sponsors... 1-50

Ep 2: Coca-Cola

And now a message from our sponsors.

I took a walk on the cool sand dunes, brittle grass overgrown, and above me in the night sky above me I saw. Bitter taste of unripe peaches and a smell I could not place nor could I escape.

I remembered other times that I could not escape. I remembered other smells.

The moon slunk like a wounded animal. The world spun like it had lost control.

Concentrate only on breathing, and let go of ideas you had about nutrition and alarm clocks.

I took a walk on the cool sand dunes, brittle grass overgrown, and above me in the night sky above me I saw.

This message was brought to you by Coca Cola.

Ep 3: Big Rico’s Pizza

We’ll be back after this word from our sponsors.

This segment has been brought to us by Big Rico’s Pizza.

Listeners, we are proud to have Big Rico’s as a sponsor of our show. You will not find a better pizza joint in all of Night Vale then Big Rico’s.

Just the other night, I stopped by Big Rico’s. I was in the mood for a delicious pizza slice. And since Big Rico’s is the only pizza place in Night Vale that has not burnt to the ground in an unsolved arson case (and did I mention is also the best pizza in town), I ordered a single Rico’s slice with two authentic toppings.

And boy, was I satisfied. The flavor was scrumptious. The taste was also scrumptious. And it was warm, the pizza slice.

I have been told that even the Hooded Figures eat there; the wait staff look like they avert their hollow gazes quite a bit.

Even the City Council offers its ringing endorsement of Big Rico’s.

All Night Vale citizens are mandated to eat at Big Rico’s once a week. It is a misdemeanor not to.

Big Rico’s Pizza. No one does a slice like Big Rico, folks! No one.

Ep 5: The Hole in the Vacant Lot out back of the Ralph’s

And now a message from our sponsor

.Tired of your home? Sick of comfort? Come to the Hole in the Vacant Lot out back of the Ralph’s and huddle with Us

.Who are we? Good question.

Come to the Hole in the Vacant Lot out back of the Ralph’s and huddle with Us.

Why do we want you to come? Why did we spend money for this airtime? We understand you are confused.

But: Hole, Vacant Lot, Ralph’s, huddle, Us.

For the low-low price. Act today. Or tomorrow. Not Wednesday. Wednesday is no good for Us.

Anyway, we’re almost out of airtime, so just come on down to the Hole in the Vacant Lot out back of the Ralph’s and huddle with Us.

Or else.

Ep 6: Unknown

And now, a word from our sponsors!

[moaning sound]

Ep 7: Unknown

And now, a word from our sponsors.

That word is carp.

Ep 8: Subway

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Step into your nearest Subway restaurant today, and try their new 6-inch mashed potato sub! Top it with a delicious assortment of fresh vegetables, like french fries and Nutella. They’ll even toast or poach it for you! There are several Subway locations in Night Vale, all easily accessible through witchcraft and chanting. And between now and November 30, buy nine reverse colonics and get a free 40-ounce soda or freshly baked tobacco cookie.

Subway: Devour your own empty heart.

Ep 9: Audible.com

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Today’s program is brought to you by Audible.com, your online source for recorded books.

There are thousands of great titles at Audible.com that you can download to your computer, or portable device, and listen to on the go.

I use Audible to catch up on best-selling titles like “The Help” and “Vango-Notes for Technical Communication 11\e.” I’m on their website right now, and I’m typing in a search for “Dog Park,” because I was thinking about this town’s beautiful new fixture, and how I will never, ever take my dog there.

Let’s see what Audible comes up with.

Huh. It’s a flashing black-and-red screen that says “THOUGHT CRIME” in all-caps.

And below that, a little animation of two digging workers: “Under Construction.”

That’s adorable!

So check out Audible.com. New Audible members can get one free audio book just by smudging their computer monitors with baby’s blood and humming the Spanish translation of “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

Audible.com: “You can’t burn what you can’t even touch.”

Ep 12: Direct TV

And now a word from our sponsor.

We all want to live forever, right?

Wrong.

Think about watching your family die as you selfishly carry on, your children aging and passing, your grandchildren, and so on. Think of all the friends you’ll make, but eventually lose.

You don’t want that! No!

You know the earth is eventually going to be swallowed by the sun, right? And one day, you would be present for this greatest of all apocalypses. As fascinating as this would be, scientifically speaking, this excitement would fade as the pain of thousand-degree flames engulfed your tender body, and your aged mind would be so alone in this interminable torture.

Does this sound like something you want? We didn’t think so.

Immortality is stupid. Think before you wish.

This message brought to you by Direct TV.

Ep 14: The physical act of gulping

And now a word from our sponsors.

Today’s program has been sponsored by the physical act of gulping. For thousands of years, gulping has been there for human beings when they needed an expressive gesture of the throat. Whether you want to indicate nervousness about an upcoming test or appointment, fear of the Faceless Old Woman who lives secretly in your home, or just want to ingest milk faster than with regular swallowing, gulping is the way to go. Forget sweating! Never mind shivering! Sneezing? Ugh! When you think physical actions, think gulping! Gulp now and receive a complimentary prize package, which will be conveniently buried in an unmarked spot somewhere in the Scrublands. Find it, and it’s yours!

Gulp!

Ep 15: Target

And now a word from our sponsors.

Today’s broadcast is sponsored by Target. Target is a great place to shop, and they would like you to consider the variety of silence in this world.

The deathly silence when an argument has reached a height from which neither party can see a safe way down.

And the soft wet silence of post-coital breath-catching.

Silence in a courtroom moments before a man’s life is changed completely by something so insignificant as his past.

And the silence of a hospital room as a man, in front of everyone he loves, lets the heat from his clenched hands dissipate into the background hum of the universe.

The quiet of outdoor distances.

Of wilderness.

Of the luxury of space.

And the quiet of dead air on the radio.

The sound of a mistake.

Of emphasis.

Of your own thoughts when you expected someone else’s.

Shop at Target.

Ep 18: Yelp.com

And now, a paid editorial, sponsored by Yelp.com.

[humming and whistling]

This has been a paid editorial sponsored by Yelp.com.

Ep 19A: The Home Depot:

Um, let’s go to a word from our sponsor.  

Got a home improvement project? Need help?

Incomplete?

Having feelings? Strange feelings? Feelings you’ve never felt?

Incomplete?

Is your body filled with hot blood, waving curves of sinew, and skin? Can you feel all that blood? Is it even your blood? How can you be sure? Incomplete? Are you dizzy from it all, all of this? What are your hands doing?

Incomplete?

Where are your hands now? Where have they been? Where are they going? Where are you going?

Have you ever broken the surface of something with a hammer? Ever channeled sublime thought into sandpaper? Ever wanted to touch something because you feel things, because touch is the only sense you trust?

Incomplete?

What is trust? Is making a thing proof that you exist? Is fixing a thing proof that you have transcended mortality? History?

Incomplete?

Feel things? Feel things?

You can do it. We can help. The Home Depot.

Ep 20: Greater Night Vale Realty Association

And now, a word from our sponsor.

With low interest rates, now is the perfect time to buy a home. Just name your amenity! Every house in Night Vale has a luxurious view of The Void. We also have great schools and plenty of spiders! Who wouldn’t want to settle down in Night Vale?

Seek a licensed realtor to help you find the house of your dreams! Realtors live inside deer. When you find an undersized stag or ailing doe you can catch, simply wrestle it down and knife open the chest cavity. Then let the realtor inside help you achieve your American dream.

The head of the Greater Night Vale Realty Association, Russell Swenson, says:

“No one has lived here for years. You’re one of them. One of the no ones. A woman is a fire, and no one is invited. Anyone can watch. No one can help.”

Hey, Dana?  Is this a poem Russell wrote for us, or…?

Ahem.

So, start looking today for your new Night Vale home. As the old saying goes, “streets swallow their own tails and choke!”

Ep 21: Taco Bell

And now a word from our sponsors:  

Seven lights in the window. Seven lights in the hall. Seven lights, seven lights, all in all.

Six notes in the melody. Six notes form a dirge. Six notes to rid you of the urge.

Five ways of escaping. Five ways all blocked off. Five ways, each one broken and lost.

Four words in a whisper. Four words in your ear. Four words that fill you up with fear.

Three taps of a finger. Three taps on a wall. Three taps as you try to stall.

Two eyes wide and desperate. Two eyes squinting scared. Two eyes open, yes, but nothing there.

One light in the window. One light in the hall. One light, one light, all in all.  

Taco Bell. Live mas.

Ep 22: Red Lobster

And now, a word from our sponsor.

You cannot see. You grope around wildly as your footing is also unstable. You feel a thin liquid filling your shoes. It is not water; you can tell.

A pungent smell of brine, or anxiety. Your hands strike something solid. A wall, you think. It is soft, leathery, but also wet. You keep your hands to the surface and it is moving in and out, like it is breathing. No. More like…spasms.

You hear a dull rumble from above; a gurgle from below. You still see nothing.

The walls jerk back, quickly. You lose your balance and slide down to the floor, which is the same surface, but now the liquid is sloshing past you. Something grabs your leg. Something is grabbing your leg! You are being pulled down!

You cannot see which way. Madness!

Which way, madness?

You scream, but no sound comes from your stubborn lips, your impudent throat.

You reach…for what, you do not know. Only that you reach.

A blinding flash, a moment of understanding. You are in an empty storeroom, tied to a chair. There are others, but they are hooded and limp.

You recall this living nightmare. You take comfort in its familiar pain.

You smell fermentation and can hear a dull, unending beeping. Someone shouts in a language you do not know. You love your family. You love them!

Welcome to Red Lobster. Come see what’s fresh today.

Ep 23: Six Flags

And now a word from our sponsors:

Losing hope? Hard to see a way out? Hope: losing it? Lost? Lost in a cave? Lost in a cave that spirals around a single obsidian column, lit dimly by a source that does not seem to be either above or below? Hard to see? Scrabbling amongst the rocks for any landmark that might tell you from whence you came, to where you should go? Depressed? Suffering from depression? Suffering? Tripped on a rock and tumbling for a painful eternity down the evenly-lit featureless spiral? Losing hope?

Six Flags Desert Springs. Just off Exit 64, in Night Vale.

Ep 24: Wendy’s

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Listeners, are you lost? Don’t know where to turn? Might I recommend The Brown Stone Spire.

Do you need cash? Cast your eyes to The Brown Stone Spire.

Alone, drowning in back taxes and legal problems? Look at The Brown Stone Spire.

Night Vale’s newest spire – built in the night several weeks ago by unknown agents, or aliens, or animals, or just our collective imagination – the Brown Stone Spire offers itself to all those who are down on their luck, or destitute, or simply being crushed by the consequences of their own maleficence.

The Brown Stone Spire does not care. The Brown Stone Spire does not discriminate based on petty morals.

Divorce? Out of work?

Give yourself to The Brown Stone Spire.

You might be asking, how much does it cost to receive help from The Brown Stone Spire? I can assure you it does not cost any money. It costs…other things. But if you’re concerned about what those costs are, then you are not in enough trouble for The Brown Stone Spire. You just need a lawyer.

But if you are filled with glass shards of regret – The Brown Stone Spire – or screaming impotently at an indifferent moon, then no need to look! The Brown Stone Spire will find you.

The Brown Stone Spire has a slogan. It cannot be pronounced.

This message was brought to you by Wendy’s.

Ep 27: Denny’s

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Looking for a home security solution? Good luck with that! Want to feel safe when driving your car? Get in line! Fearful when walking alone at night? Well, you should be.

When life seems dangerous and unmanageable, just remember that it is, and that you can’t survive forever.

Denny’s Restaurants – why not?

Ep 28: Unknown

And now a word from our sponsors:

Congratulations! You are eligible for a free 30-day trial! This free 30-day trial comes with everything you need, including a free arrest, free charges, free arraignment, and free conviction, guaranteed! Shipping and handling not included. Defense lawyer also not included. We have you surrounded. The more you struggle, the worse it will be for you. Put that down. Put it down! Put that down.

This message brought to you whether you like it or not.

Ep 30: McDonald’s

And now, a word from our sponsor.

McDonald’s wants to remind you that the most important meal of the day is breakfast. So why would you let a morning go by without staring deeply into the mirror until you no longer recognize the face staring back at you – mimicking your every gesture, mocking your every movement?

How else will you get the energy you need for a full day’s work or recreation if you aren’t silently screaming into the visage of a man or woman who gives you such uneasy spirit, such unshakable terror, a queasy feeling every time you make the connection between what that thing is and what you are becoming?

What you have become?

Where does the void end? Where do you end? When do you end? What time is it now? You are late for work! You are lying on your bathroom floor, half-dressed in a cool sludge of toothpaste and hair gel. You’ve been crying, but for how long?

McDonald’s. I’m lovin’!

Ep 31: Uncertainty...????

And now, a word from our sponsor:

Today’s broadcast may have been brought to you…by…uncertainty.

Ep 33: Anonymous Sponsor

More from these tapes of my misremembered past soon, but first, a word from our sponsors.

When you die, the surface of the moon will not change.

The difference between the landscape and lighting of that barren little world from a moment where you exist, to a moment where you do not, will be minimal, and unrelated to your passing. From a car window driving on a highway, looking up at a moon framed by incidental clouds, the surface will be the same muddle of mystery and distance it always is.

And even a methodical study of your absence as it pertains to moon geology and cartography will find nothing. Searching through a powerful telescope, and analyzing with computer algorithms built around your nonexistence – even that study will find that all craters and rocks appear to be where we left them a few years back, that it is the same distance, orbiting at the same rate, and that the researches feel just the way they did about the moon as they did before you died.

Nothing will change about the moon when you die. It will be the same – still the moon, still there.

Still the moon.

This message brought to you by an anonymous sponsor. Looking for whatever product or service we offer? We are, whoever we are, the best choice in whatever industry that is.

Ep 35: Costco

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Today’s broadcast is brought to you by Costco. How much could a body even weigh?

Ep 36: StrexCorp Synernists, Inc.

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Deep, deep, deep in the grass, grass, grass, what grows, grows, grows? Who knows, knows, knows?

Strex. Strrrrrexxx! Strrrrrrrrrrrrrrexxxxxx!

StrexCorp Synernists, Inc. Working hard so you can work harder. Work harder. Seriously. Work. Harder. StrexCorp. Get to work!

Ep 38: Stamps.com

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Tired of waiting in line at the Post Office? Scared of the unexplained blood pouring from the P.O. Boxes? Confused by screams that no one else hears? Terrified of leaving your home? Try Stamps.com.

With Stamps.com, you can print your own postage and avoid the long lines and predatory birds so common at the Post Office. You can even have your postal carrier pick up your packages, as long as you are careful never to look the carrier in the eyes, as this is a sign of aggression and you may scare your postal carrier away.

Stamps.com has a special offer for Night Vale Community Radio listeners. Sign up today and receive a bag of magic rocks, $50 worth of self-loathing, and a free scale – so you can arbitrarily assign numbers to material objects.

To claim your new member benefits, simply visit Stamps.com, and press your forehead against the radio mic in the upper-right of your screen until your entire body falls forwards into the alternate Stamps.com universe.

Stamps.com will tell your family you loved them very much.

Stamps.com will tell your family that Stamps.com loves them very much.

“Come here, family. You are all our family now,” Stamps.com will say, stretching their many boneless arms around your terrified family.

“Come here. We are all loving family.”

Stamps.com. You live in a dying world. We love you.

Ep 39: Starbuck’s

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Filler text to be replaced with actual material. Replace with copy before sending to radio station.

Talking points go here.

Something about coffee

Something about the bright start of a hypothetical day

Something about secret boxes locked in secret soundproof rooms

Maybe make it a song. Look into that.

Then, slogan goes here.

Starbucks.

Copy and paste slogan again here.

Also, just reminding the future me that comes back to rewrite this that I need to grab some milk. I think the one in the office fridge is starting to turn.

As long as I’m reminding myself things, I’m a good person, worthy of love – both from myself and others. And writing press releases and ads like this is just the start of a great writing career.

You have a novel in you, kid! You have a novel in you!

This has been a word from our sponsors.

Ep 41: Mountain Dew

And now, a word from our sponsors.

A balding grassland beneath a low cliff side.

There is a monk.

Picture what a monk looks like.

A bell rings. From his hand, maybe. Then he takes a small step. Then there’s that bell again.

It will take him a long time to make it from this bit of grass to whatever there is beyond it. An entire lifetime it will take him. And even then, he will die unfinished. Undone in midst of doing, having gone slowly to nowhere much.

Then a bell will ring. From his hand, maybe. Or from somewhere else.

And then, nothing.

Mountain Dew.

Do the Dew.

And now, back to ou–

42: Hulu.com

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Today’s sponsor is Hulu.com.

Hulu.

Let’s talk about watching things. Let’s talk about watching, rather than actually watching. Let’s think about talking about watching a second-hand experience. Let’s continually abstract ourselves from what we believe is the world.

Hulu.

The pulsing life of your body is an undeniable fact! But deny it anyway. Looking for the answers to all of life’s problems? We recommend obstinate denial. Accept no substitute. Accept nothing.

Hulu.

Water circles the drain of our planet, always coming back for one more go to see if, this cycle, it will be different. It will not be different. The sky will break open, and water will fall, one more time.

One more time.

Hulu.

The terror you feel in quiet moments is not misplaced, just mistimed.

Hulu. Huuluu. Huuuluuu. Huuuuluuuu. Huuuuuluuuuu Huuuuuuluuuuuu. Huuuuuuuluuuuuuu. Huuuuuuuuluuuuuuuu. Huuuuuuuuuluuuuuuuuu!

Hulu.com! Sign up now, and get the latest episode of [screeching/feedback sound]!

Ep 43: StrexCorp Synernists, Inc.

Um, let’s go now to a word from our sponsor.

Are you achieving your fullest potential? Are you finding the right solutions for your challenges? Are you making the most of what you’re given? Do you believe in a Smiling God?

Of course you do! We all do. We must!

Well, what if I told you the Smiling God was smiling more than ever? What if the Smiling God had a smile so wide that you could see yourself in its mirrored teeth? And what if I told you that your gauzy reflection looked perfect – just perfect?

You would like that. Of course! We all would. We must!

And what if I told you you’re perfect self hated your imperfect self? And as the Smiling God smiled wider, you could see a tongue pressing through the teeth – thick, and pink, and gray, and wet.

And what if I told you you could see your imperfect self in the shining sheen of the bulging tongue? And in your reflection you were slack and sallow? And maybe bleeding. A lot.

Bleeding so much!

And what if I told you you could kill your imperfect self?

What if I told you you could achieve your fullest potential?

StrexCorp Synernists Inc. is a proud supporter of the greater Desert Bluff and Night Vale community.

StrexCorp. Believe in a Smiling God.

Believe in your perfect self.

Strex.

Strex.

Ep 46: Irish Springs

And now, a word from our sponsor.

Take a look at your life. What do you see?

Nothing, right? You can see nothing at all. Oh, sure, you think you see a series of flashes and flickers, of shapes and shades of color. You think you see familiar things like faces and letters, and walls, and your own hands.

Those aren’t familiar at all.

You’ve never seen any of that before. Your hands aren’t even your own. Whose hands are they? Who are you? Is this what it is like to die? Are you dying? If not, when? And where will you die? Where and when were you born, even?

Wait – how did you forget your place and date of birth? I understand you can’t comprehend the relentlessness of existence, but your own birthday is pretty easy to remember!

You’ve got more problems than we thought, listener.

OK, fine. Your birthday is July 3rd, and your birthplace was Tulsa, Oklahoma. Feel better?

You don’t, actually. You feel nothing, because your hands were never your own. You are imagining everything, and perceiving nothing.

At least you smell nice. We can at least tell you that.

Irish Spring. Whose hands are these?

Ep 47: StrexCorp Synernists, Inc.

Today’s sponsor is…oh, my! Looks like it happens to be StrexCorp!

StrexCorp. Like dew from the sky. Like a cloud that dissipates, only to come again as other clouds. Like the sun. Like a hate-filled thought that you failed to suppress. Like biting down on a fistful of sand. Like words that once held meaning. Like the sun. Like an enemy, hiding in the depths of your own body. Like the enemy that isyour own body. Like a thought you wish you could have, but don’t. Like a Smiling God. Like the sun!

StrexCorp. Go to sleep.

Ep 48: Best Buy

And now, a word from our sponsors.

Thanks, Kevin!

Listeners, are you cold? Just a little bit? Feel a thin chill on your skin?

Maybe you’ve wrapped your arms over each other, and you’re rubbing them softly but vigorously?

You’re so cold!

And now you’ve pulled your arms entirely into your shirt, trying to maximize the body heat of skin contact. You’ve pulled in your arms, and you’re rocking your body forward and back…

What about your ears and nose? So very, very cold!

Ask a friend to borrow a sweater, try that. Go on!

No one’s around! Uh-oh! You don’t actually know a single person, do you?

Your life may be a total lie.

Well, at best a fever dream.

Or someone else’s night terror.

That’s probably it.

You’re very cold.

And no one to help you. Or hear you.

Look around. All gray, windowless walls, right?

Not even a door.

How much air do you have left? How are you even breathing?

There can’t be much air left.

This message brought to you by Best Buy.

Ep 49A: Whole Foods

Listeners, given the urgency of today, um, I– I planned to skip some of our regular features as well as sponsored ads, but…since forcing out our current ownership, we’ve…gotten a bit behind on our bills. So there’s now a sentient patch of haze in my studio!

Deb: Hello, Cecil! Hello, listeners! My name is Deb.

Cecil: And Deb won’t actually leave my studio until she has told us all about…um…what are you promoting?

Deb: Whole Foods!

Cecil: Ah, right! So, even though we’ve got this whole big revolution to do, let’s take a moment to listen to Deb, the Sentient Patch of Haze, about…um…

Deb: Whole Foods!

Cecil: Yes.

Deb: Thanks, Cecil.

At Whole Foods, we don’t have any rotting, decaying matter mixed into our products. There are no secret blood rooms in our stores, where we keep the secret blood.

Cecil: Hmm.

Deb: None of the boxes of cereal contain spiders. And if they did, they would be very friendly, helpful spiders. Boy, wouldn’t you be lucky to find a spider like that in a box of Whole Foods cereal! Or, not just one…hundreds of them. But anyway, you won’t.

Whole Foods serves only the freshest food, and we certainly do not keep venomous snakes under the fruit in our produce section! Why would we? That would be dangerous, and not good for business. No one has died of a snake bite at Whole Foods. No one you know.

Whole Foods. Why in the world would we poison our frozen dinners? We definitely do not do that!

[linkingnightvale]

Proverbs from Episodes 101-138

Ep 101: “There’s no harm in trying” really depends on what you’re trying. Either way, give it a go - it’s probably fine.

Ep 102: Live every day like it’s your first.

Ep 103: If you’re not wearing a denim vest, then this conversation is over.

Ep 104: A million dollars isn’t a sandwich. You know what’s a sandwich? A taco.

Ep 105: “You are what you eat.” That’s very confusing phrasing. Let me simplify: You consume your own flesh. Much clearer.

Ep 106: Good thing to those who wait. Good things come slithering down the unctuous brown stone wall to those who wait alone in the dark pit.

Ep 107: Top o’ the mornin’ to you, the rest of the day to me; I never said this was fair.

Ep 108: You’ll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you’ll catch even more with a corpse of some sort.

Ep 109: Less is more. Simplification is the way to happiness. You are not your things. Anyway, thanks for your wallet! Bye~!

Ep 110: If you only read one book this year, then you have reached your approved book quota.

Ep 111: There is no proof you exist, only evidence.

Ep 112: Be yourself… as if you had any choice in the matter.

Ep 113: Follow your heart; you need it. Where did it ever learn to walk?

Ep 114: The seven habits of highly effective people are; 1. Levitation 2. Translucence 3. Omnipresence 4. Country music 5. Lime zest 6. Suns for eyes 7. Hiccups

Ep 115: Pull this lever. Don’t worry, you will never know the result. There will be a result.

Ep 116: We are all (an elite few) in this (a secret underground emergency bunker) together (on our own without public knowledge).

Ep 117: People always say “before I die” as if they haven’t already begun the process.

Ep 118: Why would you wanna think outside the box? The box is steel, and locked, and buried deeply underground. It’s so safe here. Why would you want to leave?

Ep 119: For softer bones and a tenuous smile, drink malk. Got mock? It’s here. Drink it. ([high-pitched] Drink it.) Drink this muelk. Mmmm. (Garbled noise). ([high-pitched, again] Drink it.)

Ep 120: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, now you’re just being an asshole.

Ep 121: Welcome to 2018. The year we finally do it. The year we eat the sun.

Ep 122: I’m going to give you a piece of my mind! It’s in this clay jar. Keep it in a cool, dark place, and away from cats.

Ep 123: We regret to inform you that this entire podcast series has been viral marketing for Dippin’ Dots. We don’t think we made that obvious enough and we’re panicking a little. Please tell someone to try Dippin’ Dots today. We are going to be in so much trouble.

Ep 124: Bite your tongue. Fun, right?

Ep 125: I believe in tough love. Also, tough tenderness, tough vulnerability, and a daily session of tough mindfulness meditation.

Ep 126: Pick a company and invest all your money in it. The absolute worst that could happen is that you lose every cent, and it would be terrifying and life-changing. So give it a shot.

Ep 127: Hey, what’s your sign? Mine’s a stop sign; I stole it from an intersection, and I hold it up every time someone tries to talk to me.

Ep 128: Our money back guarantee: when you die, the world gets your money back.

Ep 129: My name for the pony I have been planning to get one day has been ‘Ponye West’, for years, but for obvious reasons I have recently changed it to 'Janelle PoNeigh’. This wasn’t written for me by Joseph, these are the actual names I’ve made up for my dream pony.

Ep 130: Anything is a piñata if you hit it hard enough.

Ep 131: Keep your eye on the ball. Keep your lungs on the court. Leave your stomach in the locker room.

Ep 132: Live every moment as if it were just one of the two and a half billion moments you have in your life. Seriously, pace yourself.

Ep 133: [Earl Version] This one weird trick doesn’t seem to have any real purpose. But maybe give it a try anyway.

[Leann Version]  True change starts with the person in the mirror. He’s standing far behind you, barely visible. He’s really going to change things.

[Telly Version]  How do I love thee? Let me tally up all the points I’ve assigned to your personal value with respect to my needs.

Ep 134: Dress for the job you want, sports team mascot. Not the job you have, customer service manager.

Ep 135: On second thought, a million dollars is pretty cool. Finger guns to you a million dollars.

Ep 136: Girl, did you fall from heaven? Cause there is a crater where you landed and radiation levels are spiking.

Ep 137: Kangaroos are deer, abbreviated.

Ep 138: If you circle the letters in the bible just right, you get the phrase “lightly dressed kale”, so I don’t know what that means but it’s direct from God.

[linkingnightvale]

Weather in Episodes 101-138

Ep 101:”Letters” - Lera Lynn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPxlswKGFFA

Ep 102: “Listening to TPM” - Brook Pridemore

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cafwO8twwQk

Ep 103: “Faded” - P.O.S.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AIbFAaXELrE

Ep 104: “Qualified” - Sammus

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0rMugLM-x0

Ep 105: “You Cannot” - Erin McKeown

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4Kqv8JUkvo

Ep 106: “All or Nothing” - The Dream Masons

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cubSZ3PvbrQ

Ep 107: “The Ends and the Means” - Robby Hecht

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ihqki-K7MiU

Ep 108: “Robert Frost” - Mal Blum

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNvt-DIwzZo

Ep 109: “Full Metal Black” - The Royal They

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X9iiKR3ukn4

Ep 110: “Everyone I Know Will Die” - Four Eyes

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knrIrYx6vow

Ep 111: “Andromeda” - Airøspace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5G9FY22MyY

Ep 112: “Try Try Try” - Rachael Sage

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3RCYh6qgNA

Ep 113: “If We Live” - Disparition

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZ6siYesZUI

Ep 114: “Song For Myself” - Bear with Eagle Arms

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3O3-kznudE

Ep 115: “TMI” - Josey

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhLoBRFB2J8

Ep 116: “Animal Skin” - Bryan Dunn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ow4lxcbPk_U

Ep 117: “Lost Every Thing” - Mary Epworth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMYtgJDGOTY

Ep 118: “Glitter” - Charly Bliss

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_2UqssvaSc

Ep 119: “Turn Into It” - Jamey Browning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smTIrDGx4gM

Ep 120: “Fast Talker” - aj & and good intentions

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NTtUYekKVMs

Ep 121: “Riches and Wonders” - Eliza Rickman and Jherek Bischoff

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_gdLDLlFc3M

Ep 122: “Fire Drills” - Dessa

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-AWAhIedT8

Ep 123: “Pieces and Pieces” - The Rough and Tumble

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSShfdaHxwA

Ep 124: “Lake Full of Regrets” - Devine Carama

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5yPYN_iFfc

Ep 125: “Source Decay” - Holy Sons

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ARp2dq6elyQ

Ep 126: “Clockwork Family” - Dan Warren

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-c5P2YZsjM

Ep 127: “J’Accuse” - Mucca Plazza

https://soundcloud.com/mucca-pazza/11-jaccuse?in=mucca-pazza/sets/taste-the-pazza

Ep 128: “Lemonade in the Shade” - Jeff Scroggins & Colorado

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-AZ6JkwJDc

Ep 129: “Mariposas” - Yva Las Vegass

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FCTPqJTOq0

Ep 130: “Space and Time” - Joseph Fink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYiV45oZwjg

Ep 131: “Standard Deviation” - Danny Schmidt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=--ytjxV66Ds

Ep 132: “Bad Friend” - Cheese on Bread

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kk1Fd1R-R9g

Ep 133: “Escape Artist” - Caged Animals

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pit1HvPtY3o

Ep 134: “Raising Helvetica” - Sims x Air Credits & ICETEP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylq4_R5DJAs

Ep 135: “Living On Light” - Silo’s Choice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3Uv1XOI1D8

Ep 136: “She Left Without A Goodbye” - Cerah

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vMtLJp7Uass

Ep 137: “Hymn 101″ - Joseph Pug

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iMVN5rPLCoE

Ep 138: “Friend or Foe” - Low Power

https://soundcloud.com/lowpowermusic/friend-or-foe

[linkingnightvale]

Weather in Episodes 1-100

Ep 1: “These and More Than These” - Joseph Fink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XdzSQIejRQM

Ep 2: “The Bus is Late” - Satellite High

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CXiB5n883I

Ep 3: “Bill & Annie” - Chuck Brodsky

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQWCga2Vq3Q

Ep 4: “Closer” - The Tiny

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6kPXH9HJvE

Ep 5: “Jerusalem” - Dan Bern

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAGKdkf0viM

Ep 6: “Aye” - Dio

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gq3PhQfg1vU

Ep 7: ”Despite What You’ve Been Told” - Two Gallants

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOwH8BPvFnI

Ep 8: “This Too Shall Pass” - Danny Schmidt\

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kPkkqxsjIY

Ep 9: “Last Song” - Jason Webley

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yIE0qfgT0A

Ep 10: “I Know This” - Rachel Kann

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ebXne0Pl3H8

Ep 11: “Cigarette Burns Forever” - Adam Green

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfNzzOyatmI

Ep 12: “Of a Friday Night” - Anais Mitchell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=os0Z3mc8G8g

Ep 13: “You Don’t Know” - Mount Moon

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiioXXocPHU

Ep 14: “Movement 1: Invocation of the Duke” - daKAH Hip Hop Orchestra

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI3TfTESdx8

Ep 15: “A Little Irony” - Tom Milsom

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7sU9uB8XtU

Ep 16: “Those Days Are Gone and My Heart Is Breaking” - Barton Carroll

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjdnPsW9AX4

Ep 17: “Neptune’s Jewels” - Mystic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkwpOnarcUU

Ep 18: “Jews for Jesus Blues” - Clem Snide

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziW6Uvat3M0

Ep 19A: “Eliezer’s Waltz” - The Ventura Klezmer Band

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yylL5iD3zpM

Ep 19B: “Eliezer’s Waltz” - Disparition

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMrJyY3uNzc

Ep 20: “Get Me Home” - Robin Aigner

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAn9wied6Ug

Ep 21: “Sni Bong” - Dengue Fever

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3eLHR0-UxQ

Ep 22: “Winifred” - Seth Boyer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ9_5sGiduY

Ep 23: “Too Much Time” - John Vanderslice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS7Ff_ax8YU

Ep 24: “Biblical Violence” - Hella

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7S-RhlG1bk

Ep 25: “Sunday Morning Stasis” - Joseph Fink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65K0b_27F4U

Ep 26: “Long GOne” - Mary Epworth

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XvIh9rAtaM

Ep 27: “Team the Best Team” - Doomtree

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dm2Uk3z6_f8

Ep 28: “You and I Belong” - Simone Felice

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmyxGkSEAJM

Ep 29: “Poor in Love” - Destroyer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7fLzW0jQbI

Ep 30: “The Lethal Temptress” - The Mendoza Line

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNaR1JRNayU

Ep 31: “Never Be Famous” - Hussalonia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcfCsg5xlRw

Ep 32: “Palabras de Papel” - Nelsom Poblete

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saSbhnbiEJM

Ep 33: “Big Houses” - Squalloscope

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIK0Abrl8XY

Ep 34: “Having Fun” - Tom Milsom

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-zD8cEac4M

Ep 35: “Mjiin Manier” - Brainpower

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dAqV-gGoSF0

Ep 36: “Peanuts” - Sam ‘n Ash

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQFM-54NyRY

Ep 37: “Absentee” - Jack Campbell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYd8V-dfeF4

Ep 38: “Black White and Red” - Emrys Cronin

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QD09RKNw8v4

Ep 39: “Penn Station” - The Felice Brothers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8JYLVnNKjs

Ep 40: “Offering” - Black City Lights

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_Fea23Av9Q

Ep 41: “What Have They Done to You Now?” - Daniel Knox

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c8ZfBdSAuH0

Ep 42: “Keep It Coming” - Senim Silla

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNqLnERNnKs                                

Ep 43: “Cover Me Up” - Jason Isbell

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdwnGG29Upw

Ep 44: “Haunted” - Maya Kern

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lR3SH-w-Cf0

Ep 45: “Pretty Little Head” - Eliza Rickman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-vHEw5ocD4

Ep 46: “Take Up Your Spade” - Sara Watkins

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnodHwjh7z8

Ep 47: “Stupid” - Brendan MacLean

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1hww3n1cqnM

Ep 48: “High Tide Rising” - Fox

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KxrwnocoZXQ

Ep 49A: This episode doesn’t have a weather because it is the first part of a live show

Ep 49B: “Call Off Your Ghost” - Dessa

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6A8T6qWPBo

Ep 50: “Ghost Story” - Charming Disaster

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=keegRRp2TN4

Ep 51: “ Echo in the Hills” - Carrie Elkin and Danny Schmidt

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8gNrjcLnvo

Ep 52: “Here I Land” - Nicholas Stevenson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=as7luL34eSw

Ep 53: “Postcard from 1952″ - Explosions in the Sky

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kv-yJywbtDI

Ep 54: “Breman” - PigPen Theatre Co.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjrmktLC-8U

Ep 55: “Catfish” - Waxahatchee

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQEdWVCFj98

Ep 56: “Understood” - Y.R. Generation

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxgy1IQLOR4

Ep 57: “Upside Down World” - Paisley Rae

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beMyvFeeO3U

Ep 58: “Anything I Want You To” - The Rizzos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQjgAPH_0LI

Ep 59: “State of Mine” - Stōj Snak

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a58_DjCZqA8

Ep 60: “Just Like My Heart” - Fault Lines

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lxPaz-Wog5Y

Ep 61: “The Bends” - Doomtree

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqHdNaZLY5E

Ep 62: “Anarchy Date” - Queer Rocket

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PrGA9sJBlCA

Ep 63: “Heel Turn 2″ - The Mountain Goats

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MtnwN32ioo

Ep 64: “True Trans Soul Rebel” - Against Me!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_hVmcKRKNQ

Ep 65: “Tag!” - Scarves

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Afs6u3_zSyA

Ep 66: “Little Black Star” - Hurray for the Riff Raff

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xflP6NkyEQ

Ep 67: “When can I say that I Love You” - Kyle Fleming

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFrgcSZHn6s

Ep 68: “Matches” - Sifu Hotman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5goBGXUVKkk

Ep 69: “Evelyn” - Kim Tillman and Silent Films

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56DS2sqlFxU

Ep 70A: “Pyramid” - Jason Weebly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vxHaAGmX_c

Ep 70B: “Align” - Aby Wolf

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3MXeOV2sm4Q

Ep 71: “My Postcard” - Toys and Tiny Instruments

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nTnvHYiqUIU

Ep 72: “Children of God” - AJJ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmyfuakhumw

Ep 73: “The Heroine” - Unwoman

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMRBKDSB_9o

Ep 74: “I Love You Oddly” - Rebecca Angel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_3kdIxJgnA

Ep 75: “Black Eyes” - David Wirsig

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gWyvE06X6c

Ep 76: “Endless Dream” - God Is An Astronaut

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4_91yAQIW0

Ep 77: “Meet You at the Gate” - Jayne Trimble

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOp1dGikbSg

Ep 78: “Autumn’s Echo” - Stripmall Architecture

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BH8pEc9TVcE

Ep 79: “Sharon” - Good San Juan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2-xnrfBeXE4

Ep 80: “She Knows” - John Fullbright

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4B99z9sobEM

Ep 81: “Table Song” - Katie Kuffel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYC1mYGpzBY

Ep 82: “Thinking of Milk” - Tristan Haze

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9FR9_mmMhk

Ep 83: “The Sky Is Calling” - Kim Boekbinder

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KCJzUiBZItk

Ep 84: “The River, The Woods” - Astronautalis

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EU9sv1KwPuA

Ep 85: “It varies, depending on where you are and when” - This isn’t actually a song but just a clip of music

Ep 86: “Well-dressed” - Hop Along

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdqr_cTz70c

Ep 87: “Cocaine” - Holy Moly

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9oC-IPWjVp8

Ep 88: “Palestine” - Sam Baker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y3XsuEGuBjI

Ep 89: “Plunder” - The Felice Brothers

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tH-jKZgyxlc

Ep 90: “The Queer Gospel” - Erin McKeown

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdPoTUlL2Q8

Ep 91: “Windows” - Angel Olsen

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CQSOoFlaxI

Ep 92: “Opposite House” - Cass McCombs

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR6l9UOpM2w

Ep 93: “Mary on a Wave” - Okkervil River

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3Z_-nHIeKs

Ep 94: “Plough” - Speedy Ortiz

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mV9bqfuFtSI

Ep 95: “Coffee” - Sylvan Esso

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qr5AIKRPIHo

Ep 96: “A Trip Out” - British Sea Power

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBeMjC1lZoA

Ep 97: “Everywhere” - Ex Hex

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuFserZ2bAQ

Ep 98: “Icarus” - Sims

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aotfPIgG38A

Ep 99: “Quiet Americans” - Shearwater

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fr2pdwhjtjU

Ep 100: “Second Song” - Joseph Fink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uqR4YLGNBCI

[linkingnightvale]

Proverbs from Episodes 1-100

Ep 1: Look to the north. Keep looking. There's nothing coming from the south.

Ep 2: Men are from Mars; women are from Venus; Earth is a hallucination; podcasts are dreams.

Ep 3: There's a special place in Hell. It's really hip. Very exclusive.

Ep 4: What has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don’t know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. Send help.

Ep 5: A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A basilisk.

Ep 6: Lost? Confused? Lacking direction? Need to find a purpose in your life?

Ep 7: It must be 3:23 PM somewhere. Maybe space?

Ep 8: We are living in an immaterial world, a ghost world, and I am an immaterial girl - a ghost.

Ep 9: "Nice bolo tie," is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.

Ep 10: Eating meat is a difficult moral decision, because it's stolen, that meat. You should apologise.

Ep 11: Today is the last day of your life up to this point.

Ep 12: Does the carpet match the drapes? No, it doesn’t. You’re the worst interior decorator. Please leave my home.

Ep 13: I’d never join a PEN15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Ep 14: Biologically speaking, we are all people made up of smaller people.

Ep 15: One incorporeal being said to the other, “I’m not here too! Make friends?"

Ep 16: If I said you had a beautiful body, would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast incomprehensible universe?

Ep 17: Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.

Ep 18: Find more ways to work ‘plinth’ into daily conversations.

Ep 19A: Step one: write down the names of everyone you know. Step two: rearrange the letters. Step three: this will reveal a great secret of time.

Ep 19B: Step one: separate your lips. Step two: use facial muscles to pull back corners of mouth. Step three: widen your eyes. This is how to be happy.

Ep 20: Pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. Lots of pain.

Ep 21: Ask your doctor if right is left for you.

Ep 22: If you love someone, set them free. Set them free now. This is the police, and we have you surrounded.

Ep 23: Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Show them pictures of cows when they’re young and administer brief electrical shocks.

Ep 24: The most dangerous game is man. The most entertaining game is Broadway Puppy Ball. The most weird game is Esoteric Bear.

Ep 25: Fun game. Say "toy boat" over and over. Do it for the rest of your life. Retreat from society and live on alms. Whisper "toy boat' as you die.

Ep 26: The human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkled tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.

Ep 27: Production oversight by Tory Malatea, who is holding a small locket. He is not speaking. He’d just like for you to touch the locket. His hand is twisted. His skin is forming into scales. Just touch it once. Just once, okay?

Ep 28: A bar walks into a bar. The bartender is a snake eating its own tail. The windows look out only onto the face of the one who looks.

Ep 29: Your body is a temple. A temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes, a lost temple, a temple that needs more calcium. You should maybe try vitamin supplements.

Ep 30: Look to the sky. You will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.

Ep 31: Throw your hands in the air. Now your arms. Keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. Hopefully, the birds will be sated and leave.

Ep 32: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.

Ep 33: You can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.

Ep 34: Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We're not accepting applications at this time. Please try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again.

Ep 35: On this day in history: mundanity, and terror, and food, and love, and trees.

Ep 36: Look. Up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane. No. It's just the void. Infinite and indifferent. We're so small. So very very small.

Ep 37: Listen. I'm not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.

Ep 38: A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.

Ep 39: Your Bitcoin address is your middle name, followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.

Ep 40: You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.

Ep 41: Please move your brain so we can get to the drugs. And stop leaving it there. We've talked about this.

Ep 42: Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn't a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.                              

Ep 43: You won't sleep when you're dead, either.

Ep 44: At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.

Ep 45: Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say your mother's in the hospital. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen. I'll drive you over there. We'll leave right now. Grab a coat; it's a little cold out. I'm so sorry.

Ep 46: If you love something, set it free. If it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.

Ep 47: There's a difference between you're, your, and yarn. Yarn isn't even pronounced the same way. It's a completely different word.

Ep 48: Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you're an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually.

Ep 49A: There is no proverb for this episode because it was a live show that immediately blends into part B.

Ep 49B:  Wonderwall is the only 90's song visible from space.

Ep 50: Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War Two.

Ep 51: Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell man?

Ep 52: Most people think pitbulls are dangerous dogs; but, biologically speaking, most pitbulls are just three Shih Tzu's wearing a trench coat.

Ep 53: *static* *rising tones* *abrupt end of episode*

Ep 54: Say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression.

Ep 55: Language will evolve irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower, obvs.

Ep 56: I’ve got more rhymes than the Bible’s got psalms, 151. I’ve got 151 rhymes.

Ep 57: Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Also beware of gifts of Greek bears. Gifted and bare Greeks are totally okay.

Ep 58: It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the other dog in the fight.

Ep 59: If you want a picture of the future, imagine a person writing headlines about millennials forever.

Ep 60: The reason we say "bless you" after someone sneezes is because we know they will die someday.

Ep 61: I let my haters be my motivators. Mostly they tell me I suck, and then I get sad. This was a terrible idea.

Ep 62: Ask your doctor just who he thinks he is. Say it just like that. Say, "Who do you think you are?" See if he starts crying. I know I would.

Ep 63: History is written by the victors. And then forgotten by the victors. And then the victors die too.

Ep 64: Don’t bring a gun to a knife fight. Don’t bring a knife to a knife fight, either. Stop going to knife fights altogether. What’s your deal with knife fights?

Ep 65: Instead of a proverb today, I just have some important news about the stray cats that live outside my apartment. There is the usual one, named Bisquick, who is missing one ear and is terrifying, but today I saw a second one, who is fatter and less terrifying and who I have named The Baron. I will keep you updated as events unfold.

Ep 66: When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true. But, because of distance, not for millions of years.

Ep 67: “I’m all business,” I say, peeling off my skin strip by strip, showing you what oozes out. “Business to my core.”

Ep 68: Don’t be afraid of the dark. Be afraid of the terrible things that are hiding in there, and the terrible things they will do.

Ep 69: Dress your dog for the job you want, not the job you have.

Ep 70A: A rose by any other name is called something else.

Ep 70B: You say potato, I say potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Potato. Yes, this is very good. Let's keep going. Potato. Potato. Potato...

Ep 71: I had a dream in which cow-sized pugs existed. I was on a train, and one loped along outside my window. I'm sorry your dreams aren't as good.

Ep 72: When someone says, "I'm a dog person," I always reply, "Yeah? Well I'm a lizard person." And then I peel off my face.

Ep 73: Candles lit, runes drawn upon the floor, sacrifice prepared. Everything is ready for the summoning. I begin the incantation: "Shakira, Shakira!"

Ep 74: The word “motel” is an amalgam of the words “hotel” and “murder.”

Ep 75: Drake would you like to add you to his professional network on LinkedIn.

Ep 76: "Late capitalism" is such a sweetly optimistic phrase.

Ep 77: I'm a single issue voter. If the candidate is not a baby polar bear, I straight up cannot support them.

Ep 78: If a car flashes its brights at you, it's probably a gang, and if you flash your brights back, the gang gives you cake. It's a cake gang.

Ep 79: Ever wondered how a plane flies? Well the answer is that no-one knows. Pilots are scared to ask. If we ask, maybe it'll stop working.

Ep 80: There are hot singles in your area, and they all died exactly 20 years ago on a night just like tonight.

Ep 81: You know what would be great? If someone made a movie showing Spiderman's origin story. I'd love to finally see that on the big screen.

Ep 82: Be careful what you wish for. Because it probably won't come true, and life is about expectations management.

Ep 83: Actually, it's Properties Brother.

Ep 84: Dance like the government is watching.

Ep 85: Put your (STATIC) in, take your (STATIC) out, put your (STATIC) in, and (EXTENDED STATIC, ELECTRONIC BUZZING) all about.

Ep 86: Call me old-fashioned, but I believe there should be only one continent.

Ep 87: "Them's the brakes, kid," said the most annoying driving instructor ever.

Ep 88: Want to feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is and are all named after gourds.

Ep 89: Remember to compliment-sandwich when critiquing. Example: "That’s an okay shirt you have on. Everything you wrote is bad. You’re wearing a shirt."

Ep 90: You can tell a lot about someone. By coming into our office, and confessing everything you know about them.

Ep 91: Here is the church, here is the steeple. Open it up and see all the people screaming about the giant who just tore the roof open.

Ep 92: Writing rules: 1. Write a lot 2. Read a lot 3. If someone tells you not to use adverbs or some other Elmore Leonard thing, swiftly kick them.

Ep 93: Drive it like you stole it. But you stole it, because you really loved it and you would not like it to be damaged. Basically, drive carefully.

Ep 94: This is Doritos' world, we just live in it.

Ep 95: Want to feel old? People born in 2014 have already graduated college, don’t know what a trombone is and are all named after gourds.

Ep 96: The children were right. The floor is lava. But they were wrong about the heat resistance of sofa cushions.

Ep 97: If there's not a race to get to the dance competition on time, then your screenplay isn't finished.

Ep 98: So there's this commercial and it's like this is a baby, and she's not getting along with the dog, she's like a little afraid of the dog, and the dog is like a big, a beautiful golden retriever, and um, so like the golden retrievers like feels sad cause he can't be with his family cause the baby doesn't like it, but so the dad sees that the baby likes the, the, um, the stuffed animal that she has which is a lion, so the dad goes and orders a lion mane for the dog and then he puts it, he puts in on the dog and then the dog, the dog walks in as the lion and the baby loves it and the dog is happy cause it can be part of the family again as, as a lion. Thank you.

Ep 99: A four star hotel will put mints on your pillow, whereas a five star hotel will put candy bars in your butt.

Ep 100: "It's always darkest before the dawn," we are always reassured by people who are totally wrong about how the sun works.

[linkingnightvale]

Intro to Episodes 101-138

Ep 101: You are swimming distance from a shore you cannot see. If you choose the wrong direction, you will drown. If you do not make a decision, you will drown.

Ep 102: Look at it from the raindrop’s point of view.

Ep 103: We make money the old-fashioned way. We chemically convert lead into gold.

Ep 104: I know you are, but what am I? What am I? What am I? What. Am. I?

Ep 105: If you could press a button that would give you a great deal of money, but it would cause someone you don’t know in a distant part of the world to die, then you would have a good model for how our current economy works.

Ep 106: Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Tell me more about your special bird powers.

Ep 107: The best strategy for a labyrinth is to put one hand on a wall and follow that hand until you reach the exit. The second best strategy is screaming.

Ep 108:  There’s a billboard along the highway that reads: “Everything. Must. Go.”

Ep 109: No opening for this one as it is just Huntocar talking.

Ep 110: I once was lost. But now I’m fine with that.

Ep 111: A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we lay open-eyed, watching it all.

Ep 112: If you see something crawling across your floor in the dark, don’t worry. It’s probably just a tarantula.

Ep 113: Gooooooood evening, fine citizens. I’m your late night host this week, here to keep you company after sundown.

Ep 114: At least their heart’s in the right place, I say, softly running my hand across a plastic takeout container.

Ep 115: Paint a picture. It’ll last longer.

Ep 116: Good hidden recording devices make good neighbors.

Ep 117: The suffocation of the ego. The eternal silence of the void. Faceless, yet screaming. And now serving orange wine on tap.

Ep 118: Time is irrelevant and imaginary. And yet, somehow it seems we are out of it. 

Ep 119: The captain has turned off the seatbelt signs, and –has- turned on the ceaseless anxiety signs. Feel free to brood about the cabin.

Ep 120: [Kevin] How do I love thee? Let me count your teeth.

Ep 121: The password is “mudwomb”. The username is “mudwomb”. The website is “mudwomb”. Where did the rest of the Internet go?

Ep 122: Do you hear that sweet melody? That sweet melody on the breeze? No one else hears that sweet melody, that sweet melody on the breeze.

Ep 123: Who was that whistling, whistling in the dark? Was that you, my love, whistling, whistling in the dark?

Ep 124: Anxiety is just your body’s way of telling you something really, really terrible is about to happen.

Ep 125: When one door closes, another opens. That’s why there are so many raccoons living in your house.

Ep 126: Always keep your eyes closed during a storm. Otherwise your soul will get all wet and mildewy.

Ep 127: Sleep like there’s nobody watching.

Ep 128: As a matter of fact, the facts don’t matter.

Ep 129: We make our own luck. Which is to say, things randomly happen and we apply our personal ideas about luck to that randomness.

Ep 130: This is a story about us, said the man in the radio. And we were pleased, because we always wanted to hear about ourselves on the radio.

Ep 131: Today as all days, As every day of your life, Has been brought to you by Kellogg’s. Are you worthy?

Ep 132: This is a bedtime story my mother used to tell me.

Ep 133: Is this the first time you’ve heard me say this? Are you sure?

Ep 134: There is no I in “team”. This has been a partial list of letters not found in the word “team”.

Ep 135: [Kevin] The phrase “beautiful smile” is redundant.  

Ep 136: [Kevin] Age is just a number that counts quickly upward to an ending point.

Ep 137: [Kevin] If this had been an actual emergency, this signal would be followed by screaming and chaos.

Ep 138: Everything old will be new again, except for when it’s so old it disintegrates at your touch and scatters into oblivion.

[linkingnightvale]

Intro to Episodes 1-100

Ep 1: A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

Ep 2: The desert seems vast, even endless, and yet scientists tell us that somewhere, even now, there is snow.

Ep 3: The arctic is lit by the midnight sun. The surface of the moon is lit by the face of the earth. Our little town is lit, too, by lights just above that we cannot explain.

Ep 4: The sun has grown so very, very old. How long cold, fading death? How long?

Ep 5: Close your eyes. Let my words wash over you. You are safe now.

Ep 6: Rabbits are not what they seem to be.

Ep 7: It is almost complete. It is almost complete at last.

Ep 8: Silence is golden. Words are vibrations. Thoughts are magic.

Ep 9: Weird at last, weird at last! God almighty, weird at last!

Ep 10: Regret nothing, until it is too late. Then regret everything.

Ep 11: Today’s air quality is mauve and speckled.

Ep 12: The policeman in that intersection is not directing traffic. He’s coding an urgent message to all of us.

Ep 13: “This is a story about you,” said the man on the radio. And you were pleased, because you always wanted to hear about yourself on the radio.

Ep 14: Look to the obelisk. We don’t know where it came from, but it’s attracting a lot of cats.

Ep 15: Bananas are hardly that slippery. But watch your step anyway.

Ep 16: Your existence is not impossible, but it’s also not very likely.

Ep 17: Trust everyone.

Ep 18: The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. It is only the truth seeker who wonders, why is the glass there? Why is there water all over the floor?  Why is it covering every other surface of the house?  Who or what is doing this to us?

Ep 19A: Blinking red light in the night sky. The future is changing, but it’s hard to tell.

Ep 19B: [Kevin]  The future is what you make of it! Just know that your supplies are limited.

Ep 20: “You’ll be safe here,” says a whisper behind you.

Ep 21: Hang a map of a place you’ll never go on your living room wall. Draw new streets. Tear off bodies of water. Wait for news crews to arrive.

Ep 22: There is a thin semantic line separating weird and beautiful, and that line is covered in jellyfish.

Ep 23: We report only the real, the semi-real, and the verifiably unreal.

Ep 24: The sun has risen. You are awake. This symmetry is not without meaning.

Ep 25: A friendly desert community where the sun is still hot, the moon still beautiful, and mysterious lights still pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

Ep 26: Trumpets playing soft jazz from out of the dark desert distance. They come tomorrow. It is too late for us.

Ep 27: Mountains. Endless mountains! Peak after barren peak. And what lies, restless, in the shadowed valleys? I cannot say. I cannot say!

Ep 28: Does it even matter how many living things you touch today, or where they all are now?

Ep 29: Our black suns move erratically, like drunken bees, and each of them stings. Now, more than ever, we are full of blood and honey.

Ep 30: It takes heart. It takes guts. It also takes cash. It just needs your payment immediately.

Ep 31: Our God is an awesome God. Much better than that ridiculous god that Desert Bluffs has.

Ep 32: A lonely heart, a wandering eye, an empty stomach, a shoulder to cry on. This is what makes us, us.

Ep 33: Perhaps you noticed something strange yesterday. And perhaps you have forgotten it.

Ep 34: Life is like a box of chocolates: unopened, dusty, and beginning to attract a lot of insects.

Ep 35: No one has seen the trees this week. Hopefully, they’ll come back soon.

Ep 36: Red sky at night. Sailor’s delight. Red sky at night, the sailors are howling and laughing. The sailors begin to surround us, and the night sky is so very red.

Ep 37: Velvet darkness. Silken light. The rough burlap of evening. The frayed cotton of daybreak.

Ep 38: You take the good, you take the bad. You take them both, and there you have spiders crawling out of a red velvet cupcake.

Ep 39: Flying is actually the safest mode of transportation. The second-safest is dreaming. The third-safest is decomposing into rich earth and drifting away with the wind and rain.

Ep 40: The riddle says, “He walks on four legs in the morning. He walks on two legs at midday. And at night, he slithers from dream to dream effortlessly, like the air we breathe. And we love him.”

Ep 41: At a loss for words? Here’s a few you can use:

Ep 42: I sing the body electric. I gasp the body organic. I miss the body remembered.                                 

Ep 43: Listen to your heart. You can hear it, deep under the earth, creaking and heaving, with roots snapping and birds flapping quickly away.

Ep 44: All that glitters is not gold. Particularly that thing over there. That’s, maybe, a giant insect of some sort. It’s really too dark to tell.

Ep 45: “This is a story about them,” says the man on the radio. And you are concerned, because this is not a story you were ever supposed to hear.

Ep 46: Act natural. Act like all of nature. Act like the entire cycle of life and death and change and rebirth.

Ep 47: [Lauren Mallard] Snow is falling somewhere. Many things are falling, or will fall, or have fallen, but temporary triumph is still triumph.

Ep 48: [Kevin] True beauty is on the inside, where everything is red, and glistening, and full of practical organs and sharp rocks.

Ep 49A and 49B: There is no real intro for these two episodes as they were done live

Ep 50:  Home is where the heart is. We found it one day in the sink. It hums things late at night, but they are not songs.

Ep 51: Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s a cloud! It’s a moon! Also, some stars! There are so many things in the sky!

Ep 52: Now is your chance.Well, that was it. It’s over. Did you do it? Have you achieved what you wanted?No? Aah, well.

Ep 53: (This episode also doesn’t really have an intro, but here is the first bit.) 

The wind out of the desert is changing. I feel it. You feel it. A shiver in the midday heat. A crackle in the television broadcast. A shift in your immune system.It is September, and something is different.It is September, and the days have gone sinister – from first eye’s open to last slow breathing.It is September, and so, listeners – dear listeners – Night Vale Public Radio is proud to introduce The September Monologues.

Ep 54: The secret to a long life lies in how acutely you perceive time.

Ep 55: Let me be brief. Let us all be brief. Let us briefly be

Ep 56: It is autumn, and nature is vanishing. It is autumn, and nature is beautiful.

Ep 57: Breathe deep.Deeper than that. Get far below sea level and breathe. Breathe in a cave. Breathe in a deeper cave. Breathe deeper and deeper until you can’t find your way back.

Ep 58: If it looks like a duck, and it quacks like a duck…you should not be so quick to jump to conclusions.

Ep 59: It’s not darkest before the dawn. It’s actually darkest after all the stars have gone out. It’s very dark then.

Ep 60: See some evil, hear some evil, speak some evil.

Ep 61: There’s nothing under your bed. Nothing in your closet. Nothing waiting in the hall. You are surrounded by nothing. You cannot escape it.

Ep 62: Dare to dream. Do it. We dare you. Go ahead, dream. It’ll be fine. We promise.

Ep 63: There is no Part 1. This is Part 2.

Ep 64: Don’t judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the harmful messages it contains.

Ep 65: No real opening to this one, as it is just listening to Cecil’s voicemail.

Ep 66: We all lie dreamily upon damp earth, spotting clouds shaped like animals we have yet to invent.

Ep 67: [Leonard Burton] The sun is actually cold! It’s cold and empty, and all is lost.

Ep 68: Get the body you’ve always wanted. We know where it’s buried, and can lend you a shovel.

Ep 69: But don’t you see? You never needed anything else. The weird was within you the whole time.

Ep 70A: [Kevin]  We all have to start somewhere. We all have to end somewhere, too, but let’s concentrate on the other thing.

Ep 70B:  If you love something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back, it probably died of sadness because it thought you loved it.

Ep 71: I trip the light fantastic, and then I offer to help it up. And when the light fantastic is halfway up I let go, and it falls again. Me and the light fantastic do not get along at all.

Ep 72: Kill it with kindness. And if that fails, kill it with sharp sticks or knives.

Ep 73: What’s past is prologue; what’s future is epilogue. This, right here, is maybe Chapter Four or Five.

Ep 74: Remember that you are a beautiful person. You’re a weird-looking tree, but you’re a beautiful person.

Ep 75: It’s not the destination, it’s the endless exhausting journey.

Ep 76: In just a few days, the whole story will be known. This is what happens after.

Ep 77: When a window closes, so does a door. So do all the other doors and windows. The house is alive, and it doesn’t know you, and it is scared.

Ep 78: Cook a feast no family could fully eat, recite prayers no family could fully believe, and acknowledge a frightful history no family could fully comprehend.

Ep 79: We brought something back with us, something we cannot escape: memories of a great vacation to deepest space! And, the merciless Distant Prince.

Ep 80: I fought the law, and the law won. I ignored the law, and the law won. I abided by the law, and the law won.

Ep 81: To err is human. But to err is also computer. We’ll have to find another test to reveal which of us are secretly bots.

Ep 82: If you’re happy, and you know it, then the chemtrails are finally working.

Ep 83: Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don’t breathe. Don’t breathe. Don’t breathe. Don’t breathe.

Ep 84: Dress for success. Put on your tall hat and rubber gloves and long gray coat. Success requires this specific outfit.

Ep 85: Once again, the turning of the seasons. Nearly imperceptible here, a shading of the desert heat. But we feel the change in the thrum of our bodies, in the texture of the sand.There is rain, once in a while. If not here, then somewhere else, surely.Wild spring has stepped in for her stolid winter sister. It is April, and something is different. It is April, and the days have depth and vibrance.It is April.And so, dear listeners, Night Vale Community Radio is pleased to present The April Monologues.

Ep 86: I believe the children are our future. They are also our past and our present. This is how children work in linear time.

Ep 87: Numbers don’t lie. But humans using numbers lie all the time.

Ep 88: [phone rings, female phone voice] Citywide utility failures continue to haunt us, but not as much as the strangers who do not appear to move.

Ep 89: Who’s a good boy? Who’s the good boy? Who is it? Who is it?!?

Ep 90: You wanna go outside? Outside? You wanna go outside? You do? You do?I bet you want to go outside. I bet you do!

Ep 91: Do not bite the hand that feeds you. Grab it first. Take the keys. Set yourself free. Then bite the hand…and run.

Ep 92: Which came first – the chicken, the egg, or airplanes?

Ep 93: Find it in your heart. You’ll need to break past the ribs, and then scoop it out. But it’s in there, and you need to find it. Quickly.

Ep 94: It’s all right. All right. Allll right. Allllllll right.

Ep 95: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a cursed talisman must be in want of a hex reversal.

Ep 96: You are statistically likely.

Ep 97: Why do birds appear every time you are near? It’s likely they planted a tracking device on you.

Ep 98: Those who remember history are also doomed to repeat it.

Ep 99: Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun. It does not stop.

Ep 100: I know many of you have a few things you’d like to say. So let me start things off: