#I doubt he ever went to rehab before but they certainly couldn’t have afforded a place like he goes to ever Jane dies

[biblionerd07]

I actually had more sympathy for Jesse’s parents on this rewatch. Like overall they’re not some abusive monsters who never cared about him. They very obviously DO care about him. Their house felt safe enough to Jesse that he went there when the meth had him feeling paranoid and strung out. When Jesse calls his dad after being questioned by the DEA he mentions getting a job “in data entry, like we talked about”, and Jesse’s mom says “I can’t do this again”, and Jake says Jesse’s all they ever talk about, so they’re obviously in a cycle of trying to help Jesse and seeing him go back to drugs. It’s easy for us to kind of forget the ramifications, because of the scope of the show and because we love Jesse and are seeing his POV and definitely because Aaron Paul’s teeth and skin are nice lol, but Jesse is addicted to crystal meth. And he’s SELLING crystal meth! This is not just weed. It’s a pretty big fucking deal. And his parents talk about getting him help, and they let him come inside and sleep and eat a few meals and wash his clothes. Maybe you could consider that the bare minimum, but it is something. When Hank is talking to Jesse’s mom, she’s not dismissive of Jesse or uncaring. She’s obviously very sad about the state of Jesse’s life, and when she starts to clock that Hank’s investigating Jesse, she gets protective and makes Hank leave. They evicted Jesse from his aunt’s house, but to give them a bit of grace, his mom did find his literal meth lab in the basement lmao. Which they threatened to tell the DEA about but never actually did. They seem to be in that place with an addict where you’re trying to balance giving support without enabling; his dad even says they need to try tough love. (Personally I think it shows they don’t really know Jesse all that well because tough love is not the right method for him, but they probably feel like they’ve tried everything else.) When Jesse’s talking about that perfect box he made in shop, his initial lie is that he gave it to his mom, and when he tells the truth it’s clear he really regrets that he didn’t actually do that. In El Camino, I really think they want him to turn himself in because they think he’ll be safer and maybe they think he’ll get some leeway if he turns himself in rather than getting caught. It doesn’t seem like they call the cops when he calls and asks them to come get him; they rush out right away and all the police are in regular, unmarked cars.

But….

I can never give them grace or forgive them for that car decal that was Mom, Dad, and Jake but no Jesse. Like what the hell is that?? And it seems absolutely outrageous to me that his parents, with everything that happened between them and everything they’re seeing on the news, took the opportunity to talk to him and only said “turn yourself in.” No “I love you.” No “be safe.” His dad saying they hadn’t talked to him in a long time, since “way before all this” really rankled, too. They purposefully distanced themselves from him. They made sure to say on the news that they’re not involved in this because they’re not in his life. I really do think they cared and were scared for him. But at every turn it just seemed like they didn’t care enough to actually understand what he needed or how to get through to him.

[luckyspenny]

Penny and the Birches || Part 2

Where: Penny & Jude’s Apartment Who: Penny, @hcrrybirch & @lvcybirch What: Harry and Lucy show up with chili for Jude and find Penny there alone. Lucy goes off and leaves Harry to talk Penny alone about Jude.

"I already said it was wrong and I'm sorry! I know it was an overreaction!" But she knew Lucy wasn't listening and it showed in the sagging of her shoulders that accompanied an anxious misting over her eyes that she tried to blink away. All but shrinking away from the heat of the older female's anger, Penny took a few backward steps toward the hallway as Lucy got up, entirely sure for a moment that she was going to be struck herself. The moment she was gone, the younger woman sagged with relief, shaking her head at the man who still sat on her futon couch so calmly. "I swear I'm not a monster." Voice small and thick, her feet felt glued the floor so she just sort of stood there, unwilling to come any closer now. "I really really love your brother and I'm really trying to make him happy, that's all I want in the world."

Once Lucy had stalked out of the apartment, Harry finally felt as though he could breathe. His sister’s anger wasn’t misplaced, but it was certainly not solving anything. His lips pressed tight together as Penny’s voice caught with emotion. Though he’d been assured by Lucy that she wasn’t, Penny still looked wet behind the ears. Vilified, and for what? It hadn’t broken her and Jude up, it had only ostracised them further. “Nobody said you were.” Harry spoke lowly and calmly. Nobody in this room, at least. The profession of love had him nodding his head knowingly. Slowly, and sadly. He reached out to pat the side of the couch that Lucy had gotten up from. Inviting the visibly shaken young woman down to sit by him. To have the conversation they never would have been able to have with Lucy there with her back up. He wondered if Lucy had realised this, he was sure she had. “I’m not here to vilify you, Penny, I promise. But I’d really like to talk if that’s not too much ask. We’re just worried about Jude.”

Pursing her lips hard enough to almost hurt, Penny made her slow way over to the futon, lowering down beside the much larger male, eyes studying his face the entire time. LLike a nervous cat she was ready to jump away, almost waiting for his anger to rear it's head as well. "Okay..." Swallowing hard, it felt like she was choking on her heart, lips rubbing together and hands fidgeting nervously before she reached forward to pull out one of the cigarettes from the package on the table next to an old ashtray that bore the bar's logo. Lighting it up she took a long drag and once more pushed long straight hair from her face. "I worry about him, too... why do you think I'm trying to make this place nice. So he'll stay home more, with me, where I can take care of him."

Harry shifted his weight as Penny took Lucy’s place beside him, turning just slightly to face her more. His green eyes watched as she plucked a cigarette from her deck and lit it against her lips. “The place does look nice.” He agreed as he linked his fingers together and held on to his knee. Nicer than it had looked, anyway. “But Penny... I don’t think this is where Jude needs to be right now. It’s not healthy for him.” Harry pressed as gently as he could, watching her as he spoke. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but it was far softer than it had been moments ago. “Jude needs help. Professional help that you and I can’t afford him.” The words sat heavily with Harry too, who was heartbroken to witness his little brother’s downward spiral.

"Thank you." Voice still small, her eyes flicked around the apartment before turning back to him with a snapping around of her head that was so sudden it was a wonder she didn't pull a muscle. "No... No you guys can't take him away from me I just got him back. We just-... we're just getting where we've been trying to be. We have a home now, please." Voice thick with emotions her eyes had blown wide with obvious growing panic.  "Let me talk to him, just please give me a chance to try." She knew it was probably fruitless, and there was little she could do when the drugs were as much a part of them as anything else. At least for him. Jude Birch was her addiction. "I went through hell to get here to him..."

The alarm that seemed to swallow her up whole was hard to watch. Harry didn’t doubt that she loved him but he still shook his head gently. Penny was too deep in to see. “It runs so much deeper than that though, Penny. That’s the thing. We can’t just talk him around. His addiction stemmed from our Mama’s death and he never learned how to grieve her properly. I don’t know how to teach him” Harry’s voice hitched over the lump in his throat. It was hard to feel like he hadn’t failed Jude in some way. “I don’t want to force Jude to do anything. I want him to decide. But I think he knows deep down that this is the right decision. I think you do too.” Eyebrows lifted pointedly, to encourage this thought from deep within her, as his hand reached out to squeeze her shoulder.

"I know! I know all about it! I know part of him died with her, I do. We've talked about everything and I just-... He will never decide to go with you. I know him better than any of you realize. You all think he's some other person now, well I know this Jude and we will never decide to go." Brushing his hand away, she shook her head, arms crossed over her chest as her entire being trembled with building anxiety over what was happening. Knee bouncing she took another long drag of her cigarette that shook as much as the rest of her hand. "No one could ever talk him into it but me. So fucking ironic." Speaking on the exhale it curled the smoke up around her cherubic face. "It's not fair, none of it is fair."

Harry stayed quiet, letting Penny claw desperately for control. But none of them were in control of this. Not Penny, or Harry, or anyone else in his family. Certainly not Jude. “He’s not some other person. He’s still Jude. That’s why I know he’s going to be okay in the end, but he needs help.” Harry kept his voice level and low, but firm as Penny’s unwound. She looked as if she were already experiencing withdrawals from his brother in anticipation of what was to come. “Penny...” Harry began softly, twisting his lips together before trying to broach the subject as gently as possible. “Why don’t you both go? Get help together?”

Huffing a little at the emphasis he put on his words, she was taking hauls off her cigarette so hard that large portions of it burned away with each pull and she had to put it out and light another. Flame freezing and inch from the end of her cigarette as he spoke her name with a tone that told her she wasn't about to like what he was about to say, thumb falling off of it as she lowered her hand to her lap and gaped at him. "Me? I can't afford to go to rehab and I couldn't leave Val in the lurch and-... and besides..." Getting up off the couch, she finally lit the cigarette as she stood on the other side of the table from him, shaking her head as she exhaled her first lungful. "I'm not addicted. I stopped for months to save the money to come here. I don't need rehab. What I need is my boyfriend to be happy and I make him happy."

Harry sighed out as Penny jumped on the defence. He’d known it was a sore topic, none of this had been particularly easy. Again, he was quiet as she went through the motions. Only combed his fingers through his hair as he ruminated on the notion that might be telling the through. Hands lacing at the back of his neck as it dawned on him. “But you’re addicted to him.” Eyebrows lifting slightly as his eyes levelled with hers.

One arm hugged around her middle, the other had her cigarette held up to her lips so when she pulled it away to exhale it wasn't far to return. Eyes locked on him through a lock of long dark blond hair that she didn't even bother to brush away, her attention really snapped in hard as he finally spoke his assumption. Letting out a humorless scoff from between her lips, she stepped forward to knock the growing ash off into the ashtray with a tap of a finger, only to to grow another with her next drag. "You can't be addicted to people. That's not even a thing. That's just a fucked up way to look at love."

Harry gave a gentle shake of his head and slid his hands from behind his neck to clasp them together in front of him, his elbows on his knees. “It’s not healthy, but you can be.” His Adam’s apple bobbed in his neck as he swallowed this truth down. There had been times in his relationship with Autumn that now, in retrospect, he felt he might have encapsulated him. “Penny, I’m not trying to be the bad guy here. I may not know you, but I know you’ve not exactly been treated fairly by a lot of people. Yes, Lucy included. I want to give you the time of day, but at the end of it, I need to look out for my little brother.” Nodding as if to cement in his point, Harry pressed her half of a somber smile. “And he needs help. And, yes, I know that you are probably the only person that makes any sense to him right now. So I would really, really appreciate your help.”

A little of the defensive tension left her shoulders as he admitted to the unfair treatment she'd gotten from some of the people in Carroll, his sister included. Even when she knew they both wanted what was best for Jude she couldn't help but choke on so many of the implications and the maybes. When he set a little of the power down before her, it was almost a physical thing. Like a knick knack set down on the table to tempt her fingers. "You want me to talk him into going to rehab? Well... if he goes, I go and I can't afford that so that would be on you." Swallowing hard she was doing her best to keep some sort of control on the situation, butting out her cigarette and again lighting another. "I'll talk to him if that's the case, but you know better than I do that I can't make any promises. Jude is Jude, and in the end my loyalty lies with him. I won't force him or trick him with that intervention bullshit, I would never betray him like that."

Harry nodded at the question, almost able to see the cogs turn over in her mind as she considered his request. Then there was a shrug of his shoulders at the conditions she set, an agreeable nod. If that was what Penny wanted, and if that was what got Jude to rehab, then it was no sweat off Harry’s back. At this point, he was so worried about his brother he’d do most anything to help him get better. Losing Jude, not more than a few years after they’d lost their mother, would tear their family apart. “You will? I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that. And just so we’re on the same page, I don’t want that either. I want him to arrive at this decision himself.” He tried to assure her, relaxing a little back into the couch. “But you’re saving his life doing this, you know?”

"Yeah. I will... when I think the time is right. I have to... pick the moment because otherwise it won't go over at all. Don't... don't rush it. Okay? And don't let the rest of them because they're just gunna make it worse you know? Making him feel guilty and all of that. Especially guilty about me because he does love me, you know." Finally brushing her hair from her face, Penny nodded toward the door. "I-... you're really nice, Harry. Like maybe one of the nicest people I've met, but-... but I really think you should go before he gets home. I still gotta shower and stuff and-... it wouldn't be a good surprise. Thank you, though, for the chili. I'll make sure I save it for Jude."

Harry gnawed down on the inside of his cheek, finding some of his relief dampened by Penny’s insistence on finding the right moment. There seemed to never be a right moment. But even without seeing Jude, Harry felt he’d made far more progress with him this evening than he’d done so the past several weeks. It was enough. For now. “I don’t doubt that, Penny.” And though perhaps, in an ideal world, Harry might have wished for someone for Jude that didn’t enable this side of him, love was love and they had gotten nowhere by casting her out. That, and he was beginning to worry for her too.

 “I’ll try to placate the others and I’ll try to be patient but don’t wait too long, Penny. I’m really worried about him.” The man softened considerably at the young woman’s appraisal, thankful that her vilification hadn’t scared her off permanently from all the residents of Carroll. “Okay.” He conceded somewhat defeatedly, being that he had come here to see Jude in the first place. But he stood from the futon and ran his hands through his hair. He’d pushed it as far as he needed to tonight. “It was nice meeting you, I’m sorry we surprised you. And I’m sorry about Lucy but she’s got her back up about Ari.” Harry twisted his mouth to one side and gave a shrug of his shoulders. He didn’t blame his sister, but nor did he condone her anger. “I’ll see you round, Penny. And please, feel free to have that chilli too. Share it with Jude.”

[veannaleethings-blog]

I was telling a story.

I was telling a story this morning, a story that, had not been forgotten, but one that needed to be remembered. I needed it in the forefront of my mind to remind myself, that unless it is death indeed, I will survive it.  I was speaking with a woman I work with about the year a chain supermarket had opened in our area. I had not realized it had been here that long. Not unusual really, as during it’s first few years open, I lived on the opposite end of town, and had no reason to ever venture as far north as it’s location. I had no clue it was even here. I didn’t find it particularly odd that I had no clue it was there, due to having lived where I lived, and more so how I lived. Not only was I, and am still, a bit reclusive, but at the time of it’s opening I was at a precipice, teetering on the edge life, as I knew life to be. Boy oh boy, did I ever fall over the edge. This of course is where the real story begins.  It was winter of 2011 and while it was not particularly wicked that year, the trappings of life were indeed cruel.  My husband and I had divorced just before Thanksgiving and I was working 40 hours a week comfortably at a job that I knew well. My son was in Kindergarten and everything was okay, I mean it was a new trying to get used to our home without Kevin there but we did alright. We loved one another, had fun, and most of all we were getting by. All of that changed of course, when I lost my job.  Losing my job made the quickly approaching winter feel much colder, stretch longer, and it made me appreciate the once indigenous lives of the human species, but that wasn’t until later. This winter was a shifty winter, and one I will never forget.  Not long after the snow began to fall both depression and worry took over completely.  They had set in some time before that, when the leaves were turning, but they really consumed me by mid December.  I still had no job, and of course this was the height of our “recession” here in the states, and for a normally working, single mother of a half day kindergartner, this was terrifying. All of the social service programs that I was once familiar with, had changed, and the limited benefits played a huge factor in the types of work I could accept as after school or during school care was crucial.  Needless to say, none of it worked out, at least not in the way that I was expecting. Sometimes I would ace an interview and then when negotiating a start date, potential employers would shutter when I explained my availability, my child’s school hours, my lack of child care and needing a lunch break at a certain time....yadda yadda yadda.... eventually concluding the interview with me walking out discouraged and having to start all over.  I grew tiresome of all this and began any side work I could find. I washed windows for local store fronts in the freezing ice and snow for cash or goods, or I would offer cleaning services to homeowners, barber shops, you name it. If it had a price, I would do it. I had a pretty good rhythm for a week or two and I was feeling a little more hopeful because between the public assistance I was receiving, my mothers unemployment checks, and the bartering/cash work gig I had sustained, I was able to survive and break even at 0 dollars but alive. (sounds pretty bad right? That’s because it was.) Having to accept my mothers unemployment checks as a way to pay rent was probably the most humiliating thing I had felt, until I found out I was pregnant. I was pregnant and had to make a choice, but first, I had choose which potential father I was going to tell first. (It doesn't get better from here, so if you are absolutely disgusted I suggest you stop reading now, and find some uplifting adventure for an alternative.) This was not the child of my recent ex husband, this was a child conceived out of pure desperation and it was either...(we will call them) Jay, or Brad’s.. No, these are not their real names, but for privacy sake, this is what we will call them.  Jay was no longer in the state. Hell, the morning after we did what we did, I drove him to the airport and he boarded the plane with his one way ticket to a place much more sunny than here.  Brad at the time of this discovery, was in rehab.  I had met up with 4 days after having taken Jay to the airport, indulged in large amounts of wine together and did what we stupidly did. I say stupid because I knew he was using heroin at the time.  You see Brad was my ex from several years before and his heroin use was what broke us up the first time around. As if that had changed, but I wasn’t trying to spend my life with him, I just wanted that one night. I even took the Plan B pill (one step) TWICE in an effort to make sure there were no accidents.  Turns out there was accidents. Either way, I was with child, in the middle of the biggest storm I had experienced in my life up until that point.  Not only was I terrified, but worse than that I was ashamed.  I didn’t want to have another abortion...that’s right, another one...because I have had several, so if you are here in this story now, just remember I invited you to stop reading before it got worse.  Well, okay then, lets return to the story, because this is where I was about midway down the free fall.  So, it’s now halfway through January of the new year, the sun is shining brighter on the cold winter ice, spring is around the corner and I am a few weeks pregnant, no job, and feeling like I was days away from  homeless with an unreasonably happy kindergartner in tow. My knight in shining armor! Of course, if he knew how atrocious his mother was he may have changed his mind, but goddammit if were weren't a fucking team!   Still are actually, and while I still make my share of stupid mistakes, none of them are as risky as they once were. Anyway, I digress, I had no idea what to do.  Everything was culminating to what led up to my fleeing, a literal running away. My mother and I were at odds, not something new, but during that time it wasn’t something I could deal with, so I got my tax return and took a mini vacation. During that mini vacation, what seemed to be a silver lining presented itself to me. Of course it came with heavy consequence, but when I hit the ground everything was beautiful.  After vacation I came back and was here for 3 weeks, long enough to get my finances in order, do what I could to help out with what was about to be my absence. Of course being the fearful daughter I already was, I did not utter a single word of my plan to my seemingly overbearing mother.  I simply did what I needed to do, in complete silence.  On a cold February morning, still pregnant, and intent on keeping the child, I dropped my son off at school and had about 5 hours to get my shit together and be ready to leave that afternoon. I went home, packed the necessities that fit into my car, paid an extra month’s worth of rent I had saved from my tax return, paid it, and picked up my son. I took him back to the house, told him to pack a few of favorite toys, because we were going on an adventure. I can’t imagine the damage that may have caused him, or how terrifying that was; something I have also come to terms with, but the choice that I made ultimately brought me to where I am today, and I have no idea what would have happened had we stayed, but I can certainly say without a doubt, that I do not regret the choice that I made by leaving.  We made our way to the Oregon coast and settled in. Of course my silver lining was actually the plan of a swindler who ended up draining me of all the money I did have saved, running up my credit card, and totaling my car, but things turned out okay.  I moved down, terminated my pregnancy shortly after realizing the situation was not ideal for me and my already living offspring and there was no way I would make it with an infant added to the equation. Yet again on the brink of homelessness, after all my money was gone and in a rental car, I packed up in garbage sacks again, everything I had brought with me, 3 months in I had a choice. I could head back north or try to make it down there. I had a job after all, I just didn't know anyone outside the person that took me for my money, with the exception of a girl I met through him. I wasn't sure I could trust anyone down there and I certainly couldn't afford another low blow. I was at the bottom of the free fall about to slam into the ground. So with 324 dollars and my shit in a rental car, I packed up yet again, and went to say goodbye to the only other person I had ever met down there on the dreary bay, and upon my arrival to her home, all packed up, she invited my son and I to stay for dinner. After deliberating with her live in lop of a boyfriend, they decided that I was welcome to crash at their place, and they would make sure my son was okay through the night when I was away at work. It took me all of 8 days to get my shit sorted and find a place. Just over a week of what I thought was the blackest of black I had ever seen, and I was on my way to much lighter experiences. I was able to scrimp and save, got a bit of a refund from the auto body shop and collectively, with my paycheck, it was enough to get my apartment.  It was a dream, life is but a dream, but it was a dream come true.  I smile now even because while the chapter of darkness closed, what came next are the moments of my life that I cherish most. I will never forget my life at the Rose. Obviously I have trailed way off course, it happens all the time, but going back to the beginning,  I needed to remember all of this, because while I might be a little uncomfortable now, going through this little transition, I need to remember what I have survived, what I made it through, and what it took me to realize my own strength. I needn’t be ashamed of any of the choices I have made, and frankly societal constructs that say I do, can fuck right off. My children are happy, and yes I say children, because I have since had a daughter and she is lovely, my son is a pre-teen now and entering middle school,  and whatever I do have, I am grateful for, because I have had less.