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xrosegoldxxx · 3 years

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***TRIGGER WARNING***

---NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART---

“Death is nothing at all.

It does not count.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

Nothing has happened.

Everything remains exactly as it was.

I am I, and you are you,

and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.

Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Call me by the old familiar name.

Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.

Put no difference into your tone.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

There is absolute and unbroken continuity.

What is this death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you, for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just round the corner.

All is well.

Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.

One brief moment, and all will be as it was before.

How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again”

-- Henry Scott-Holland

Well, if you live long enough, life comes full circle. Maybe it's true, maybe we really do just slowly oxidize the whole time we think we're living. The universe has a sick sense of humor. Let him come home. He deserves that. Let him come home.

Oh Pop, where do I begin? There's so much of your life I wasn’t a part of, but for what I was, you were always my best friend. You did everything with me. You drove to my house every morning so that you could put me on the bus, and you were waiting there for me to get off the bus at the days end. You encouraged me to, and stomped in, puddles with me, regardless how much my mother may have 𝗻𝗼𝘁 wanted me to get dirty.

You taught me so many things this new world can not. You let me help with any project, you guided me through all sorts of crafts. I can weave baskets, I can cane chairs, I can insulate a house. I can cut trim for a door or window, I can chisel away at slate and create anything my mind can sculpt. I can wood burn, I can make jelly and jam, and I can can any vegetable you could name. We grew vegetables every spring and harvested every fall. I'm a little rusty with my trees, but because of you I could name and determine the difference of so many. I know that moss grows on the north side of rocks, but only because we are in the northern hemisphere. I know to leave markers so I don't get lost travelling the woods. I know how to make burgundy, and you taught me how to understand that I can't save everybody. I can try, I can help, but sometimes you have to accept that you can’t change everything. But, it was okay to try. And probably the most important thing you taught me, was how to actually think unbiasedly. Question everything, even your own opinion, ALL the time. Because you may just learn that you have been so very wrong about something, and would do you good to know what's right. Father is an Optimist, Mother was a Pessimist, and you, encouraged me to consider all options, 𝙗𝙚𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙚 concluding.

We've taken so many adventurous rides. You've brought me all over, driven for hours, but yet we never really went all that far. Because you showed me just how much you can miss if you don't stop to smell the roses, and of course, explore. We went hiking, we went metal detecting, we even scoured old bottle sites and went digging to find the rare, unbroken bottles hiding amongst the not so photogenic mounds. Now, we normally never went far, but if we did, we could travel in any direction for five hours, get out the car, and you would know somebody. Or, somebody would know you. The mass amount of people that truly broke when they received the news... You made an impact on so many lives in your lifetime here on this earth that if you did want services, a chapel wouldn't be big enough to fit your following.

I remember the first time I realized you weren’t actually invincible, as my elementary childhood mind had surely believed. We were out in the driveway playing a game I loved. I don’t really recall exactly what the point was, but it was a game where I would run, full force, straight into you. And I would bounce off? You would catch me? The memory fades, possibly because this time was so different. This time you hit the ground, hard. You couldn’t talk, only your eyes could move. I was petrified, and Rose [Gram] must have been watching us through the window because she flew that door open so fast. And let me tell you, this was one of the only times in my life this woman had ever even raised her voice at me, let alone be visibly angry. We were so very scared in the moment, it had been almost an entire minute of you not being able to gasp or take a breath. And then, we heard you squeeze out a little laugh. A breath, and then oh boy, did you start laughing. “Woooo!” you exclaimed. And you continued to just… laugh. I had just literally knocked the wind out of you, and it just took you a minute to get it back. As we stared, star-struck, Rose looked at you, almost maniacally, like “You crazy son of a bitch”

But then, someone tried to break into the house, Rose [Gram] saw them pull in, but it seemed as if they didn't see her. They were casing the property. One of them, relieved himself in her garden. She went to the bedroom to grab the 22 and ended up meeting the second guy at the back door. Wrong move bud. He relieved himself in his pants, and frantically ran away with said first guy. I said, “What if someone actually gets in? What if you didn’t have a gun?” Cause I always ask too many questions, especially as a kid. And you said, “Look at these hands” so sternly, like I should already know. As you opened yours, I realized, they were 𝗯𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝗽𝗮𝘄𝘀, nothing could possibly get past them.

Invincible, yet again.

In highschool, I had a class, we called it “The Little Room”, made a Myspace. Well it was like a study hall, with more work, and we could leave all our textbooks there from all our other classes. At the end of the year some of mine came up missing, and I definitely wouldn’t have taken one home. You received a bill for said text books and were 𝗻𝗼𝘁 impressed. I explained that I, 𝙙𝙚𝙛𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙚𝙡𝙮 didn’t take one home, and you realized you had never 𝙨𝙚𝙚𝙣 me take one home. So you told me you were going with me to school the next day and 𝗜, was not impressed. We got there early, of course, and I led you to the main office. The Principal came out and said, “Come down to my office, let's chat.” and you responded “No, we can talk right here.” and then the conversation went like this -

You - “How many books do you have in the building?”

Principal - “..What?”

You - ”How many are there of each of these books that you say my granddaughter has not turned in?”

Vice Principal - “Uhm, I'm not sure we keep a log of how many of each book we have? We check them in and out when the student receives the book and the student returns the book.”

You - “I understand that, but if you don’t know how many books you have, then how do you know if any are missing? How do you know if they are just in a different room? Maybe another student grabbed the wrong book on the way out of the classroom?” “ I’ll tell ya what, if you count all the books you have and find my granddaughters are truly missing, I’ll pay this bill.” You set the bill down and told me to get to class.

The principal and vice principal called you by name after that.

I got in a car accident with two of my friends, right on the bottom of the mountain. It was bad, but it could have been so much worse. I was still too young to drive, but I did have some stuff on me that I shouldn’t have. I called you to tell you what had happened. You got there right before the cops, fire department, and ambulance did. You looked at me, reached over and took my bag. The cops asked to search my bag, you told them no, and you had legal right to do that because I was underage. Therefore you absorbed my property as your own and they had no right to search yours in that moment. Once all things were secure I was allowed to go home, you didn't give the bag to me. We got home and you took the bag, turned it inside over the garbage can, and then handed it back to me.

How did you know?

We always did puzzles in the winter and when you started remembering all your mothers old recipes we started baking like crazy. Pineapple Ice-Box Cake, Kuchen, Banana Squash Pie that will destroy any Pumpkin Pie out there. We would pull a couple chairs up and sit in the yard, just watching nature. The mountain is truly euphoric.

I finished our last puzzle together today Pop. I taped the back, and I'm keeping it together, forever. Your hands put some of those pieces in, and I will cherish it until my very last breath.

When Rose [Gram] passed, you started telling me how this red cardinal seemed like it was following you. You would walk out of the house, walk towards the garage. And it would fly from tree to tree or simply just follow you. I told you that a red cardinal does actually symbolize a passed loved one, but you've never really been all that spiritual so you kinda scoffed it off. The next time I came to visit you, I was super surprised to hear you say, “You know, that cardinal came around the other day when I was sitting in the yard. I said ‘Okay Rose’, and it stayed for a bit, and then flew off. I haven't seen her for a couple days.” *𝙝𝙚𝙧*

That may have been when you learned, that I too, could have things to teach you.

But like a light switch, You fell ill. You could not eat, and we did what we thought was right in the moment, they called for help.

It all came on so fast, they thought it was an infection but didn't know where. Your vitals were sporadic. Then after 1000 failed tests they finally realized your aortic valve was only working at 10%. They rushed you to Albany Med, only to be told you had to wait until Monday came to do the surgery. We wait, I visit as often as I am allowed.

Monday came, surgery went well. Your vitals saw a small, but instant improvement. I visited you that night, you slept the whole time I was there. But I spoke to the nurse, and the cardiologist, they said things were looking great. You just had a lot of sedation for the procedure. Couple more days.

Couple more days turned into another week.

You looked me in the eyes and said “If anything else happens to me, don't you dare let them bring me back to the hospital. You let me die in my home.” ”If I knew any of this was going to happen, I would have never let them call the ambulance, I know that's probably hard for you to hear, but it's the goddamn truth.” I vowed to you right then and there, that I was going to bring you home. And right after that, is when your mentality started to slip. The very next time I saw you, you had almost no idea what was going on, where you were, what had happened to you. My heart shattered, the nurses said “It's just hospital delirium, he’ll be fine when he gets home.” Okay, so 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙣 can he come home? Just another couple days, another couple days.

The next time I came to visit, you stressfully said “There was helicopters.. all day..”. I knew it bothered me then, but I never thought… You’re a Veteran... I should have said something..

I met with your brother and your son, discussed what we need to do. I called to check in with you, and the nurse said you lashed out, they had to give you a sedative.

Was there helicopters that day?? Did you reach for him when the sounds were deafening? Was he fluid enough to understand the severity of attack? Did you know he had to survive by the skin of his teeth and come home aside possibly not a soul he departed with?

I saw death taking hold of you. And I saw that you, too, knew you didn't have much time left. And you were all of the sudden terrified, the most I have ever seen you. But not terrified of the inevitable, but rather of the sure fact that you may die in the hospital. And that was not what you wanted at all. You felt so out of control, because no one there was really listening, no one there really understood the severity of this realization. And I knew then, that I was going to do whatever it humanly took, to get you home. So I walked in that Monday, and refused to leave the fucking building without you.

Your heart hurting, your soul grew more tired, and I told your brother that we weren’t waiting any fucking longer, you were coming home with us, today. “All the paperwork isn’t signed yet”. “Well you’re gonna have to physically remove me from this fucking room if you think I’m leaving here with out him. I’m not here for visiting hours”

Some may think this wasn't the right thing to do, but you don't know him, I do.

You came home that day Pop, and the smile that rose along your cheeks as we guided you up those four familiar stairs into your home, will be something that sticks with my soul forever.

The first day was a bit hard, but gradually you came back to us. You became lucid, you knew things and remembered even more. You told us old stories that somehow we had still yet to hear. And we had hope, oh we had so much hope.

The next day was even better, you ate solid food and requested certain items to be made for the following day. And we all embraced how comforting it was to know that your spirit was returning, and we continued to have so very much hope. I stayed with you almost all day and night, we made you comfortable wherever it was you wanted to be, and you were happy.

I knew I wasn't going to make it. Waking up to two missed calls and another one coming in.. I knew I was already too late. As the voice of your brother through the speaker asked, “Deanna, does he have a DNR? Does he have a Do Not Resuscitate request?” The ambulance was there, performing CPR as we spoke. Your nurse was right there with you, checking vitals, seeing they were so good, having no reason whatsoever why you had just completely lost all oxygen in your body. I responded “I...I don't know”, but I did, I always have. I called your lawyer and by-passed your sons’ consent because I knew they were going to try and take you back there, and you would be stripped of your dying wish. I ran out the door and floored my jeep far faster than I should admit, and then I got the text I was conscientiously waiting for. Documentation, signed by you, requesting no heroic efforts be made on your behalf if you are considered terminally ill. I sent it to your brother who was at your side, my soul clenching, knowing in my heart what this would do. I knew once they received this information, they would legally have to stop resuscitation, and I also knew I wasn't going to make it before you were gone. I suddenly realized, this was the most selfless thing I could ever have to do. Cause Pop, I really wish I could have been there with you. I wish I could have held your hand and told you it was okay, everything would be alright. But though I wasn't with you, at least I was able to do this one last thing for you. At least I could grant you the wish of allowing you to die in the home that you built with your very own hands. As soon as I sent that text, revealing this legal right to refuse care, Free Bird started playing on the radio. “If I leave here tomorrow, Would you still remember me? For I must be traveling on now, 'Cause there's too many places I've got to see.” “Bye bye, baby, it's been sweet love, yeah. Though this feeling I can’t change.” “If I stay here with you girl, things just couldn't be the same. Please don't take it so badly, cause lord knows I'm to blame. I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you cannot change”. You've never been a musical person, but it was as if you were singing to me. As the song ended, your brother was calling, you had just passed, but I knew that, didn't I? You had just told me. As I ascended the mountain, I passed the ambulance, bringing such a realization that this, was it. When I arrived there were so many vehicles in the yard I just pulled in and parked. Everyone tried stalling me, but I had to see you. I sat with you, I held your hand, hoping you were finally at rest. No more pain, no more loneliness, no more confusion. I did it, Pop. I got you home. And you finally became comfortable. Everything was starting to be okay again. Your vitals were so good, and getting better. And then it was as if your soul finally decided you had fought enough, you were where you belonged, and you could finally be at peace. As I left your home, for the first time without hearing you say “I love you”, Carry on Wayward son played, followed by Tuesdays Gone with the Wind. “Carry on, my wayward son, There'll be peace when you are done. Lay your weary head to rest, Don't you cry no more.” Tuesday was the last day I saw you. And I just knew, that I wasn't broken because you had left us, you deserved rest. I was broken because selfishly, I am going to miss you more than I can even comprehend.

I love you, I love you so very much. Embrace Rose, because she, has missed you dearly.

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