#I hate that adhd brain discovered I can post without losing my place in a tag as an attention breaker so I can go back to scrolling

[your-local-ruebit-hole-detective]

I’m having a very “ohgodiwassostupidtwoyearsago” day today

[februaryberries]

Study (?) tips that you don’t see on every study post

Hi gamers, I just finished my first year at college/university!!

This year was really a struggle for me because I was trying to get the help I needed for my mental health, and I did not succeed until literally the week before finals spring term. I just got diagnosed w ADHD and put on meds (thank god) and I’m excited for the next year to come.

Though this year was absolutely grueling I did discover some little tips that can really help ! This is coming from my experience w ADHD but it could relate to other neurodiverse learners as well ! Even if you are neurotypical some of these might help !! 

This post got really long so I’m gonna put it under the cut but, main Idea is bolded w a more in depth explanation underneath ( for those like me who see a block of text and go running)

In no particular order:

If you can/are up for it take a class before noon even if you are not a morning person. I am NOT saying take an 8am when u regularly go to bed at 4am! Bc that is dumb bb pls get some sleep. In my experience once I go to class my brain is like “oh things are happening now, it is actually a day and not just existing in a timeless hellscape.”

Once I am out of bed/out of my room I am at least mildly more productive for the rest of the day. Going to a class before noon means you are up and doing things for the day and early enough that you still have light. This ties into the next one

Start while it’s still light out!! At least for me I gain so much happiness from natural light/sunlight, and it is very hard for me to do things let alone START things once it’s dark out because my brain is like nope the day is over now. Plus in the fall/winter days days are getting shorter and shorter so it’s important to make use of as much daylight as you can. I feel like a plant w how much I rely on light to survive but it really does help! 

Put on ‘Real People’ clothes. This is something that really helps me, even if it’s just like, jeans and a turtleneck, maybe tucked in w a belt. I’ve found that when I put on academic-y clothes or like Adult clothes it helps me switch my brain into school mode. It’s kinda like putting on a uniform for work? If I’m in too loose of clothes or like pyjamas for example, I’m much less likely to be able to switch my brain into productive mode. For me especially its when i’m wearing tighter clothing rather than baggy ones? Like i said a turtleneck which like the sleeves are fitted to my arms, and jeans or pants that are fitted to my legs. I think it helps because it makes me more aware of my body in the space? Idk.  figure out what real people clothes feel like to you, and then have a couple of go to outfits you can slip on when you’ve been in a hoodie and sweatpants all day and really need to get some work done. 

On that note, put on shoes. For me along w the tight clothing, I do better in shoes, specifically ones that lace up and can be tight. Like hightop converse, or boots, or even dress shoes w laces. I think in a way my body needs to be contained so I can focus on something? I’m not sure why I feel like that but i’ve learned to work w it. Putting on shoes for me helps because

1. I’m not distracted by what I’m putting my bare feet on (i cannot stand wearing socks unless im wearing shoes so yes bare feet)

2. I’m not getting distracted by my floor n the fact that hey maybe i should sweep bc there are some crumbs sticking to my feet now.

And 3. You put on shoes when you are going to go outside and go somewhere. It’s like putting pyjamas on to go to bed, you’re brain associates those items with doing something, so putting on shoes can signal to your brain hey we are doing something now, and that something is work.

Talk to your teachers !! I understand sometimes you have a teacher from hell and honestly idk what to tell you at that point but in  a lot of cases teachers can be very understanding !! The amount of support I’ve gotten from my teachers this year is absolutely insane and 100% the only thing that made it so I didn’t get kicked out of college. Like reaching out to your teachers shows that you care! if you have to take a mental health day sometimes let them know !! i would always let my teacher know that I really wanted to be in class but I just couldn’t handle it that day. They also can help connect you to resources you didn’t know about ! 

Look into what resources your school has !! I was talking about how next year is gonna go now that I’ve been diagnosed and such with my friend, and how I was gonna contact the DRC (disability resource center) and she didn’t know you could get support for having ADHD!! Like I know you can get extensions on due dates, attendance forgiveness, and even potentially note taking assistance when you have ADHD and talk to them. even if you are medicated it doesn’t 100% solve everything and there are still ways to get support! Whether its study groups, writing centers/support, tutoring, or even contacting your drc or whatever your school has, it can really help!! I’m definitely going to take advantage of these resources if I can next year ! 

Find a place outside you can go to clear your head (or have a mental breakdown) 

I can’t even begin to count the amount of times i’ve been freaking out over something or stressed out of my mind and my room started to feel to stuffy and claustrophobic and i just needed to get OUT. try to make sure it’s somewhere safe and close that you can go to even at night. (maybe try to shoot a text to your best friend that you’re out and if you don’t let them know you’re home by a certain time to start raising alarm, your safety is the most important) I tend to like to be up high because i’m further away from people, and the streets and I’m closer to the sky.

My go to thinking/breakdown spot is the roof of the parking garage a block away. It has stairs that are easy access and the top levels are usually empty even during the day. It really helps me to just go out and listen to music and collect my thoughts sometimes. My head can start going a million directions at lightspeed and I need to stop and be present, and being outside helps. It’s a good way to regroup.

Spend 10 minutes picking up your desk/work space. I tend to let my room get cluttered and messy and out of control a lot, to the point where I know it’s going to take at least a couple hours to get it clean again. It is also hard to focus when you’re in a messy environment. I would stress myself out and be like “well i HAVE to clean my whole room because I can’t focus if my space isnt clean I cant start until I clean” and then I would put all of my productive energy into cleaning, and get maybe halfway done before burning out and going to bed.

You’re never going to get any work done if you keep in this mindset. So instead just spend 10 minutes picking up the garbage off your desk, put the dishes in the kitchen, and put things back in their place. Then you will have enough space to work on your assignment and that space will be free of clutter so it won’t be as stressful. 

DRINK WATER DRINK WATER DRINK WATER

Have a water bottle in front of you when you’re studying/in class. I get fidgety a lot when i’m in class/studying (thank u adhd) and so having a water bottle is a way for me to fidget I guess? Depending on the water bottle, you have little steps you have to do to drink that help u fidget,

for example: pick it up, take off the lid, drink, put the lid back on, set it down.

Or pick up, push button that opens drink hole (?), set back down.

When I have a water bottle on my desk it satisfies my need to do something with my body and comes with the bonus of staying hydrated, without me having to lose focus doing something else. Also you won’t get distracted by a sore throat or the realization that you are really thirsty.

Pay attention to why you’re not paying attention. Not everything that works for me is going to work for you, so you have to figure out what works for you. I started to notice that I would be uncomfortable or feel funny working when I was in baggy clothes and that helped me figure out I needed to wear real people clothes. If you find yourself getting distracted, take note of what is distracting you. maybe try literally making a list of things that distract you, so then you can identify patterns and how to combat them !

That’s all I have for now, I hope some of these could maybe help? All of these have helped me actually complete an assignment occasionally, and somehow keep my ass in college. I just want to say that my experience is my own and things that work for me aren’t going to work on every one. college can be really tough, especially your first year when you’re trying to figure everything out. I may not have all the answers but feel free to shoot me a message!! i’m here for you if you want to ramble about an assignment you’re fed up with or a teacher you hate or anything thats bothering you !! Everyone’s college (and life) experience is different so don’t feel bad if yours doesn’t look the same as the people around you ! Remember to take care of yourselves !!!

Have a good day :)

[snakefromeden]

Some Self-Reflection

Sometimes I think to myself -- and I know others must think this, too -- "wow, Oro/chi/maru and Y/ui Ko/mori are two very different people, how do those identities coexist in the same personality?"

Good question. I'm not entirely sure, but I can provide speculation, as I’ve been examining this quite a bit, recently.  I assume this is a somewhat safe place to gather my thoughts, and reconcile two very distinct parts of myself.  I apologize if this post is a bit haphazardly composed.  It is off the cuff.

(Note:  I will not be discussing Hiroyuki in this post.  I may not ever discuss Hiroyuki publicly.)

I was tempted to borrow Freud’s model of the mind and ascribe Orochimaru and Yui to Ego and Superego, respectively, but the more I thought about it the more that line of thinking fell apart.  Those identities do not fit in those boxes, but stretch between all three equally.

My awakening as Orochimaru was a long journey.  I was barely familiar with otherkin and a close friend had opened up to me about being Nagisa Shingetsu.  I had no connection with the community and wouldn’t until years later.  So I embarked on that journey on my own and with the assistance of an individual I now refer to as a canonmate (even though I find that term somewhat incorrect for our relationship.  I do not believe our bond was formed within our canons, but rather in this life in a way that has affected me deeply enough that I feel ‘sourcemate’ is too impersonal.), I discovered myself and settled in nicely.  Rather deeply, in fact.  I’m not sure whether this is a spiritual or a psychological foundation, but as time passes I find myself leaning towards my identity as Orochimaru being spiritually founded.

I am a curious being.  I seek out experiences and information hungrily.  Monotony can bore me, but I am not so shallow as to move on heartlessly from people.  Puzzles, especially when those puzzles are people, are fun.  This may be an unfortunate consequence of ADHD, but I lose interest in things, often quickly.  Interests are fleeting and those that stick are cherished and held dear.

Sometimes I struggle to find my face.  An aspect of ADHD called RSD is an influence that buries me deep to try to please others, for fear of rejection.  Because when someone matters so much, you’d do anything to keep them from hating you, right?  Anything to keep from messing it up?

I am familiar with scorn.  This brain is particularly attuned to it, and will find it even where it is not.  I struggle with this, as there are many people who would like to see my true face, and sometimes I lose it in the fear.

In terms of source parallels, I have:

- Been given up on - Scorned by my peers - Gone through a period of obsession with a singular goal - Had a thorough, decisive clash with a guiding figure - Rebuilt myself into a stable, comfortable state of being after hitting rock bottom

Orochimaru is who I am.  Deeply, on a personal level, and I always will be.  Even as Yui shifts become more prominent, I am Orochimaru.

My awakening as Yui was different.  

In fact, I won’t even begin with Diabolik Lovers when talking about my awakening.  I always had a fascination with vampires, since I was very, very young.  It started with the Underworld movies and progressed as one would expect with a vampire fascination.  Eventually, I got into Vampire Knight.  Me and a whole group of friends did.  In that way that young teenagers do, we each took up a different character as “ours” from it.  I choose Yuuki Cross and I kept the name for years.  In fact, vestiges of it still remain in my online identity.  I eventually shortened “Yuuki” to “Yuu,” which is still part of the url of my main blog and I’ve only picked up “Merp” in the past couple years.

It definitely didn’t feel quite right, back then, calling myself Yuuki.  There was something about it that didn’t fit, and I eventually did away with it, but of course she’s always been dear to me.

Now, to Diabolik Lovers.  I watched the anime one day with a friend on a whim and we binged most of it.  In waking hours, I had no real immediate connection to the show other than a morbid fascination.  I had a dream that night, a vivid dream about a man who drugged me without me knowing, a simultaneously comforting and anxiety-inducing presence.  I remember his fingers in my hair.

I still remember this dream.  I went over it time and again.  But that visceral dream stayed with me for years.  I would stress about it.  I would try to analyze it.  It had been so emotional that I woke up crying.  I wanted to hate the man in my dream but the only rancor I could muster was petty.

I found myself drawn to what I critically did not consider to be a good anime.  I liked the boys.  I liked the boys a lot.  They felt familiar to me.

It wasn’t until years later, after I had already had my awakening as Orochimaru, that I was preparing to cosplay to a local convention and was describing the character of source!Yui Komori to a friend that I stopped mid-sentence and realized I’d used the same words -- exact same sentences -- to describe myself before.  I had not considered that I could be anyone else other than Orochimaru.

This was an identity I had to consider for a longer time, as it doesn’t reconcile well with my past the way Orochimaru does.  The closest parallel I can think of is parental abandonment.  I did not have a very religious upbringing, mostly seeing church as a cool book club that I went to for fun until I realized everyone was serious, although nowadays I have found some faith again, but it is non-denominational and almost utilitarian, even teetering on agnostic at times.

I did eventually settle on the fact that I might be Yui Komori.  I was unsure about the identity at first, because I, for the life of me, couldn’t pick out a significant attachment to any of the boys that wasn’t for them as a character.

Then, of course, I realized I was a dumbass.  I don’t even remember the moment that the switched was flicked and I realized who I missed.  I think I was just thinking about my reference albums on my (mostly unused) roleplay presets and looked at a Reiji sprite and got hit with a wave of yearning.

Further reflection and not taking that feeling for face value included a handful of different trains of thought.  “A Certain Prophet’s Fate” is a song that has always managed to get me intensely hyped, even as far as pulling me out of dissociation.  I have always been drawn to scientist-type characters.  Shuu Iwamine.  Szayel Aporro Granz.  Sano Kojima.  To name a few notable examples.  But something was always missing.  Something, something, something.

So I accepted the yearning for what it was.  I missed someone.  Someone I could probably find.  Finding Reiji Sakamaki wasn’t the hopeless pipe dream that trying to find Sakumo Hatake is.  It was something I could do.

For this, I made my Diabolik Lovers kin server, which was probably the most roundabout way I could’ve done this.  I had very little expectations.  My previous adventures with kin servers had been rather fruitless back when I claimed to be Sano Kojima before I knew the difference between a kintype and a c’link, and I’d been very disappointed by those claiming to be Akira Kojima.

I was a little surprised but, as stated, not expecting much when the man himself messages me asking for an invite.  If you have any familiarity with the more serious and legitimate side of the Otherkin community, you probably know who I’m talking about.

I’ve been examining myself rigorously since, really.  My job leaves me a lot of time alone with my thoughts, lots of time to get inside my own head and dig around.  And I’ve found the parallels I was looking for.

The parallels are in my day-to-day, the person I am.  The parallels are in joys of helping people, a preternatural clumsiness, a diligence, a dedication, often at the expense of my own health, which is somewhat of a flaw.  The person I aspire and hope to be.  A person that I believe I have become and may have always been.

I firmly believe this identity to be psychologically founded. I do not believe there is a spiritual aspect to this identity, which differentiates it somewhat from my identity as Orochimaru, which is how I reconcile the identities.

If I had to ascribe them into Freud’s model of the psyche, I’d say Orochimaru’s roots are in my Ego and Id, whereas Yui’s rooted in both my Ego and Superego.  They each have tendrils in the opposite ends of the spectrum, as well.  They tangle, they interlock.

Together, they make me.  I am them.  There isn’t a moment where I stop being Yui Komori.  There are not days when I’m not Orochimaru.  There are not days when I’m not Yui.  It’s not determined by shifts.  There are times when one feeling is a bit stronger than the other, but that’s just the reality of having multiple kintypes.

I am Yui Komori.  I am Orochimaru.

... It feels really nice to have my thoughts in order.