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Sweating and shaking thinking about how I am being forced to change my sleep schedule after getting it fixed for my fucking job :|
#radio chatter#once again I would like to kill myself#I hate work I hate nighttime shifts I hate altering my state of being for good reason because my boss cannot attract and keep workers#i am gonna throw up I hate being an adult#I am the lamest mf on the planet I wish I could just have my mom come in and say I can’t work there anymore like im ten years old
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April 13, 2020
Interstices
Definition: an intervening time or space
Synonym: Aperture - an opening or gap
Gap - a space or pause between two things
Pause - a suspension of movement or activity
Space - a continuous area or expanse which is free and available
Whether our rhythms have slowed or accelerated in this moment, we all currently sit at an interstices. A place in time between what came before and what comes next. An uncomfortable spot for most of us, because humans habitually seek certainty. But this time is also an opening, an opportunity where we can be free to explore new ways of being. A time to suspend old habits, and invite shifts in perspective. In some schools of Buddishm, they have a term for such in-between times. “Bardo is an intermediate, transitional, or liminal state between death andrebirth. A state of great potential for liberation, since transcendental insight may arise with the direct experience of reality” Wikipedia
But most of us resist making space in our schedules because it gives too much room to look at the bold truth of our lives. Like the clear expanse of a mirror, this time is revealing much that we need to remember, but also much that we don’t want to see. The decreased GHG’s from limited transport have clarified our skies and caused animals to rapidly return where humans had previously dominated. The gardens we’d neglected are being tenderly tilled. And the friends we’d forgotten for decades are reaching out to reminisce. But the work that does not feed our souls, or the incessant self-deprecating thoughts, or the spouse who irritates us (speaking generally of course), or the wallpaper we regret having bought, all glare us in the face daily and force us to reflect on our real priorities and desires. However, all at once, this can be too much for us to take in.
I remember a Vancouver talk, on my birthday in 1998, where the Tibetan monk, Chogyam Trungpa said it amazed him “how much North Americans busied their lives so as not to know themselves”. If this is true, it strikes me that in order to assuage our fears about looking at the skeletons in our own empty closets, perhaps we can try to look at space entirely differently.
In music, space or silence can be incredibly potent. Violinist, Isaac Stern describes music itself as “that little bit between each note—the silences which give the music form.” One of my favorite composers, Arvo Part is a master of silence. The pauses in many of his halting melodies require the listener to become an active participant - to fill the space with their own interpretations, just as we can do during this time. His Psalom for strings is a mesmerizing example of such writing. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-Ssbik_dmY
Visual artists have also created substantive beauty from negative space. The images below play with absence and presence, illustrating that our perception can entirely shape what we choose to see. Similarly, if we can stretch our understanding of what is currently missing from our lives to recognize the space this allows for other things to present themselves, it may fortify our patience and acceptance with the way things are.
But if none of this brings solace during challenging times, and we still need to cling to hope, we can remember that, invariably, after rest always comes activity. Bamboo is a prime example of this, as noted in this proverb about the slow but mighty grower, “the first year it sleeps, the second year it creeps, the third year it leaps.”
So, if we emerge from COVID anything like North America emerged from the 1918 flu epidemic, maybe we can finally look forward to an era where flapper dresses come back. I know that I’d personally find the next Roaring Twenties a welcomed resurgence.
April 14, 2020
Finding Stillness in Uncertainty
For hours last Tuesday, in a persistent drizzle and strong wind, I wandered my neighborhood aimlessly with a broken umbrella, mourning the shut restaurants, scared faces, and unhugged friends I hadn’t seen in weeks.
But today, the air is still and warm, and the scent of pregnant magnolias saturate my senses while I bathe in birdsong.
Photo by my friend Cheryl’s 12-year-old son, Noah
Such is the mercurial nature of life in this pandemic. Still, as best I can, I try to walk my talk. Be the master of my own attitude. Contribute where I can. Live mindfully and gratefully. But some days this is much harder than others. However lately, Vancouver’s unseasonable summer weather has made this infinitely easier. As someone who suffers from seasonal effective disorder, and who’s had a love/hate affair with my rainy though lush city, it makes me realize how important it is to find conditions condusive for optimal living. With the improved weather and a large park right behind my home, I am enticed to greet each morning with a slow, present-minded walk. A moving meditation.
I have also been grateful for the opportunity to lead weekly guided meditations for my husband’s work team. His colleagues are front-line workers of a different sort. They run our local transit system which is still critically needed by those who must continue to work in public settings, or who do not have the privilege of their own vehicle. But with covid-fear and enforced social distancing measures, Translink is losing $3 million a day in ridership fees. So, they are under enormous stress to adjust their service plans, make difficult decisions about lay-offs, and continue to try and plan for a very uncertain future. However, it heartens me to know that people who find themselves even more work-burdened during this crisis still recognize the need to slow down, even for brief moments, in order to be more productive later. So, I thought I’d share a recording of one of these sessions, which people can follow at home. It is less than 15 minutes long, just short enough to carve out of any day but still possible to dramatically alter your nervous system.
https://youtu.be/x2fjRvBB6x0
And finally, this poem by Martha Postelwaite speaks to the gifts stillness can bring.
Do not try to save the whole world or do anything grandiose. Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life and wait there patiently, until the song that is your life falls into your own cupped hands and you recognize and greet it. Only then will you know how to give yourself to this world so worth of rescue. - Martha Postlewaite
April 15, 2020
Timely Artists’ Responses
I am normally a minimal social media user. However, ironically, my Facebook and Instagram feeds have been my saving grace during this period. This is probably helped by the fact that, over the years, rather than racing to accumulate friends, I have mostly only followed those people in my life who I trust to direct me to moments of grace and beauty. Consequently, many of the links in this blog have come from my own community of thoughtful, kindness-oriented, arts-minded friends and family to whom I’m hugely grateful.
Some of my friends are the actual creators of these daily doses of inspiration. Like my Toronto-based buddy, Lorne Bridgman (https://lornebridgman.com), whose in-demand work has graced the covers of En Route (Air Canada’s in-flight magazine), Monocle, and Travel & Leisure. (A coup for us, since way back in 1997, we were probably the only people who ever landed him as a wedding photographer). Fittingly, his stirring nighttime images of abandoned playgrounds during the pandemic tell a very powerful story.
I have been keeping my own mental ledger of these “never before corona” scenes (like our yellow-taped playgrounds) which I observe every day. The most striking of these I captured with my iphone just yesterday. These four beachcombers appear to be metred-out models of social distancing with their perfectly proportioned pose.
Artists the world round are similarly documenting this time through a variety of expressive mediums. Below, are a few of the most creative that I’ve discovered so far.
The New York Times delivers again, with 17 Artists Capture a Surreal NY from their Windows
https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2020/04/16/nyregion/coronavirus-nyc-illustrators-window.html?action=click&module=Editors%20Picks&pgtype=Homepage
Katherine Lam, Queens, NY
Or this Beijing-based British map artist, who instead of his elaborate filligried-illustrations of sprawling urban areas, now maps what’s between his four walls.
https://www.cnn.com/style/article/gareth-fuller-maps-coronavirus-quarantine/index.html
Globally, graphic designers have also used their talents to advocate, provoke, or amuse: https://www.dezeen.com/2020/03/18/coronavirus-covid-19-graphic-design-illustration/?fbclid=IwAR3bUYBwSkCtlj_yhlDkvUtGOFBDBJGMYXiDl3do74Gqm4JdHbkxTET48H8
Oliver Jeffers, beloved Irish children’s author and illustrator
And for 80’s kids like me, this new release, No Time to Love Like Now, from an old fave, REM’s Michael Stype, sends a sparsely-layered musical message from his home studio that feels highly appropriate for the times: https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=MYgpEcXf2S4&feature=emb_logo
Finally, as I’ve stretched my social-media muscles, I confess that I’ve even ventured to Twitter and Tik Tok at times. Most of us over-30 have probably been oblivious to the phenomena of social-media influencers, like the 15-year-old "reigning queen of TikTok", Charli D’Amelio, whose whether-you-like-it-or-not, down-to-earth appeal and smooth moves have charmed 48 million followers! But, as vacuous as many of her make-up tutorials have been, she is now using her reach for good with her originally choreographed Distance Dance which, for everyone who posts their own #distancedance video, will trigger Proctor & Gamble to donate to one of a variety of non-profits feeding those most vulnerable and hit hard by the virus. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fS6913bBVek
April 16, 2020
Home Cooking
I truly believe that we all have an “inner artist” if we just find ways to tap it. But it saddens me to hear how quickly many people say they have “no talent”. Creativity is not magic. It’s what humans have harnessed since time immorial to survive, adapt, and thrive. Creativity also increases exponentially when there are constraints on our resources. The elegance of a haiku is a pure example of this. Limited to just 5, 7, & 5 syllables per line, this simple container lends itself to essential and beautiful nuggets of expression accessible to all. Here’s a timely one from the #quarantinehaikus project that I mentioned earlier:
I’m in quarantine But all my ideas are not. This month, they happen.
Similarly, another creative pursuit that has most given humans a window into their own creativity is the culinary arts. Sure, for some their adventures as gourmands consist of little more than ramen, canned tuna, a boiled egg and Dijon mustard for a pantry version of Julia Child’s Salad Nicoise. But quarantined living is certainly inspiring more imagination in the kitchen than usual. Though this expression may be overused, “necessity is the mother of invention” has perhaps never been more universally true. However, if you’re trying to limit your grocery trips to once per week, and your mind happens to draw a blank when you open your cupboard, here are dozens of recipes that you can try with what you might likely already have on hand:
https://cooking.nytimes.com/topics/self-quarantine-recipes
My own constant culinary muse is my great friend, Belkis, whose Instagram page, Epicurious Travelista (below) is a visual and delectable treat. Most of her images include recipes. And while they might look elaborate, and sometimes indeed they are (this is a woman unafraid of churning her own butter, or making her own tortillas from scratch), her resourceful Honduran roots influence many exquisite meals that she makes from only a few simple ingredients. So, for those wanting to spread their chef’s wings a bit wider, you can check out her page here:
https://www.instagram.com/epicurious_travelista/
April 15, 2020
Zoom Masters
Of course, Zoom has been the victor and the enemy in this digitally-dependent time, both allowing multi-generational families to share seders, while at the same time stealing private details from citizens. But one can not deny that the extent to which people have exploited this format for good has been inspiring. I’m biased towards the musical collaborations that the format has spawned. But don’t be fooled. This technology, designed for one-speaker-at-a-time, does not render performances like the one below, easily. Each frame has to be recorded separately (with consistent click tracks, to keep everyone in time), and then carefully edited together in post-production. These are highly stylized efforts. And this one takes it to another level with its choreographic complexity. So, while I wish everyone to have a weekend where they can Get Down, Stay Down, here’s a treat to enjoy:
https://www.theverge.com/2020/4/8/21213608/coronavirus-zoom-music-video-thao-and-the-get-down-stay-down?fbclid=IwAR3PIGg8lcGMLgQrJGISDcjrRbcy3eQG2XI-sqbc-BOGs5f8s5PNRPf54H4
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Objective (3-D) ¡ Keep track of lessons created to HELP (1) move freely throughout my day PHYSICALLY while tracking Triggers & Flashbacks (TF) AND NOW THE REFLECTION : huh?
This was an insurmountable task & I ALWAYS SAY, “EVERYTHING IS SURMOUNTABLE.” It’s my two cats, one trying to mount the other & why I think about the question, “How did you get your cats?” and I start to see how fragments of sentences & words remind of other things, this not being the way my mind works only I was able to connect my thinking & not forget what I was saying. That is the same with reading and writing. When there are multiple things in your life that mimicking each other & now visuals & touching are also areas that ARE WAY DIFFERENT.
Two Options
Two options always, write or not write / to do any fine motor or gross motor requiring lifting or pulling my body & neck pain spikes!
Weapon of choice is the pencil for graphite and the color gray / the color of truth a blended mix of black & white why we’re going to do this mother right
PEACE, LOVE, HARMONY, CUDDLES & SAFE PLACES to LEARN, PLAY & WORK IN / found all my old loves c’est la vie for the only Revolution
Dreamed in French on day 18 & why when I travel I try to live like a native, naturally / doing natural things, breathing is the objective, the way to, to sing
For every ptsd memory there’s a LOVING ONE doing battles with weapons & ways of death that are still haunting me / the body/brain duality enacted in times of misery that lasted for 7 and 9-months & still you ask for evidence to NEVER discuss the solutions that could seriously change this child’s life right now? To have harmony with two opposing forces, The Day & The Night, demanding their due, a validation that led to BOO HOO & why this was the point that I knew to FOCUS ON to PULL THROUGH. It requires “true friends” who can’t do anything but supportive : it’s simply too easy not to do.
Accountability & Transparency : MODEL IT : How?!
ED IT all triggers that are present in a safe space : created 20+ and finding what is most natural & how to take breaks that are the right amount of time to adequately step away to “not die” but also not to lose the tri(grrr) since it WILL COME UP AGAIN & the point is to snuff it out with self-awareness & the decision to say, “NO!”
magic : intrinsic motivation that’s in all of us : change trigger to tiger
with any new skill or bad habit, nothing changes overnight
Teachers who scaffold have put THOUGHT into learning styles, classroom management & their own job performance which quite frankly, if you’re doing the RIGHT THING & open to feedback, there should be no worry
Document if “nighttime” is better in terms of “triggers” & moments “fear is present” since if you’re able to MAKE A SCHEDULE that ACCOMMODATES sleep. Zzz the #1 direct correlation to pain, anticipated pain, fatigue rate, stamina level, literally, do EVERYTHING since then you’ve eliminated while helping self at the same time & then it’s on the next hurdle...
Allow all safe spaces to be open & accessible if feeling “open & accessible” & if not, then it’s okay to closer all safe spaces!
When I forget about a safe space, I wasn’t meant to go there. If I “trip” across it, the NOW NATURAL reaction of the body is to not try and FIND IT thinking “this could be the thing that fixes it all.” after trauma you are...
trying to end it for all & hopeful that you can with THIS ONE : isn’t this kind of like sports pressure? Any ADRENALINE can alter body state & prepare for flight, fight or freeze. LOWER THRESHOLD for pain
quick review
all the time in my neck, back, trapezius & head (dizziness: constant 2-4/10 & increases with activities/movement) since 4/2016 no nausea 3-5x/hour; since 2/2018
Tracking after I stopped triggering from the “t” sound. T for Teacher. Going from NO MOVEMENT since hurt to YES MOVEMENTS since now I can work through the pain is literally going from one extreme to another : kind of how depression & mania work but these terms are way too harsh. You’re cranky because you’re in pain & 3-4 even 7 days in a row (level: immobile & mostly in shower trying to dampen it while hurling a little & can’t hold you know what). This makes you mental & created a palsy in my face & hands & couldn’t operate mobile. That was 8-hours & one day I’ll provide all the details, but not here & not until I’m ready, 100%. What a luxury & why I don’t have to question why my life [to them] was worthless since the next thought is THEIR LIVES. THE KIDS WHO I TAUGHT & this is where neck pain goes up! Finger pains are up! I feel my elbow, arm, leg, thigh...
RELIEF When there’s an hour, a minute, a second when pain shifts or the for the first time I NOTICED I was getting a headache instead of anticiaipting pain constnatly, there was a break and for a second I was PAIN-FREE/SENSATION-FREE. The seconds mattered since once I counted to 8 & even addd 2 since I probably didn’t notice right away, but only did that when it started getting beyond 8 seconds, and you do that too (whatever you feel) to NOTE what it is you’re really trying to say. When it’s safe to feel safe, you just do! When you’re body feels better & your mood lifts, you are thankful, at last since it’s getting BETTER
and what about when it gets worse...
you question. you look. you listen. you “confront” & this is where that pesky word “disagreement” enters
all the time HOPE : no dizziness ever! For 10 seconds! Maybe 15 seconds. Celebrate all goals.
Physical check-in
Able to crouch (20 secs), jump (twice), run for more than a minute if necessary and my pain is beginning to cause more cracks, pops in my neck when moving side-to-side and fully up & down!!! (in order to hold that pose, needed to have head on couch, with hand support & only for 2 seconds and created a “rolling” motion) ∆ MUST recognize impact & this is probably why so many things have been broken around me. I grab too hard or not on target. So go slower, but have more pain since quicker movements allow my body’s nerves to glide, but to go slow is the next step. SLOW IT DOWN & let body adjust as you did when you had to go FAST to lower pain, problems with STIGMA (health care, big time!) & at the same time, a natural pain release.
Did you know nerves like to glide?
When I learned this 1.5 years in, it changed my life. It’s allowed me to have minimal control over pain & that’s important. So the last 3 years have been mastering the glide & slide & whirl & twirl & crouch & whip & hold & kiss. These are easy movements because I demand that I get them down in order to be prepared for what’s unpredictable. I can predict my pain so stay ahead of it. Be ready for what comes at you without warning. People. Cars. Lies. Abuses. Triggers. Warnings & hate-filled assholes who will use whatever they can to “avoid blame.” I’m ready to tell this story : It takes a very long time to get to safe place for your entire body. The focus before was SUICIDE. REMOVE that & there’s no problems so identified what it was
Feeling of worthlessness that people did to you by lying to your face and removing safety becuase no one had CONTROL ✔️✔️
Removing it : present tense : currently doing that by sharing triggers to create “safe spaces” that is an iCloud. REAL clouds remind self life is always changing, just like emotions, moods & feelings & this is LITERATURE & why it gets the biggest thank you of all! There is never the same sky at any minute & how amazing to think all the different sunsets & sunrises they’ll be in one lifetime? I’m not sure sure we’re not gazing at the clouds more, but for now the iCloud is the way to scatter their shit & since I wrote this, I know it’s flipped.
Live naturally, meaning desire for every breath, never done redundantly. Life is death & death is what scares us, but never me, having faced that already at an early age, this physical abuse, you’re in the moment asking “What did I do?” but in this case, it was “How can you keep doing this?” and other questions, oh yes, I will persist. I don’t know the word QUIT when it involved the HARMS these people in power positions did & no alarms were sounded. Discriminating children with special needs is NOT HOW MY WORLD WAS FOUNDED.
EDucate it : elevate difference : never be frustrated : the words I write are actually EVIDENT or NOT EVIDENT : how the hell can someone keep ignoring this!?
ED IT : 1st STEP ∆ Prerequisite knowledge ø brain structure, features, form/function, how to keep it healthy & why I am not going to teach anatomy or physiology, my strength is combining teams that have DESIRE to work collaboratively...
...in a nutshell, you go back to the past to learn how to adjust to the present (which was too harrowing due to violence)
ORGANIZE IT : 2nd STEP ∆ Labeled according to TYPE (1) put artIfacts away by maintaining a record of what I’ve learned about auditory processing & all factors that affect Attention, Concentration, Awareness of self, mind, body, environment & (2) learn from it now that I have my “thinking” back since physically head sensations have been diminished after leaving THE MOST UNHEALTHY SITUATION : stigma in the health care field & their very acts of denial of safety, acceptance of NO KNOWLEDGE & insistence of an opinion without any supporting evidence is what the PROBLEM is. IDENTIFIED it & now, let’s fix it.
Do this process with consciousness, finally, since it all goes out & that’s the FEAR, of telling the truth, that hasn’t sat well with me? Ok, let’s explore this...
TYPE (vague on purpose) : H or S or HS or SH (depending on which one is MAIN versus which is a Trigger or Flashback e.g. SHT | crying and use of words “I’m going to kill you” or “I’m going to poke your eyes out” or “I’m going to kill myself” since happened in both settings, S, first (supported by H) and led to Flashback so direct connection to WORSE emotion which lead to issues of self-control; self-regulation due to darkness (most severe that snuffs out hope)
this is code
Here’s the key: the violence that occurred in a school/work setting was repeated in a home setting with the purpose of making it WORSE for someone who has verbally explained all fears in exactly the way that it happened. These PTSD memories are obvious & they feel smaller every day now. Called shit (as in their bullshit) and finally, scum since I see a dirty pond or marsh & when it’s in the bathroom, it’s really gross. We’ve got the word & now let’s move on
What is necessary to shake TRAUMA : remove scum. EZ
SENSING that boundary between “this is enough” & “I’ve had enough” : snuffs out humiliation : (2-D) ¡ A devotion to self, an unshakeable self-esteem to never need validation & what’s the harm in THIS : shows WHO IS IN YOUR BRAIN & if it’s a voice form the past who blamed you for something & you fight TO PROVE them wrong, you’ve chosen the wrong person since they vouched for you ALRIGHT : the goal : put all these pesky ptsd memories/moments away & to do that VALIDATE them & to do that show how EMOTIONS works in individuals who MUST guess & why must they guess . . . they’re observing, too and what do they see?! Those without a way to understand emotions are trying their hardest & this is what I’ve learned with kids & adults with emotional dysregulation, they really need validation to say “you’re doing the right thing” even if it’s the wrong thing. They can’t process their own behaviors because of PAIN & HURT they’ve felt every single day of their lives...
That creates an absolute & that means to VERBAL CUE : all, no one, every time, always, never, everyone, words that indicate in ability to properly & honestly self-assess. This the power white color to get me to a blank canvas a spark a desire to create & what is it that I’m creating. One FINal lesson to say this is what I’ve learned about violence & what should never be accepted. Hypocrisy, cruelty & evil. There is no other word for it.
This is their first weapon in distracting from the real issues : destroy your voice
Said it 1,000,000x : good use of exaggeration & now GROWTH can accelerate
anxiety USES fears to maintain a buzz of constant attention, areas where voice matters (for once) : & now activate the USE of GUILT
sadness OVERWHELMED by acute loneliness over extended periods & this self-Identity of being REJECTED becomes too much
anger that pops out of nowhere & the instantaneous sense of overwhelming loss of control where people “feel unsafe” so the rallying cry is to stabilize the one that is “losing it” and oh no oh no oh no...
A sense of immediate reaction heightened & then disappears is a cycle between _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ .
sum up these emotions, give them their rightful owners & send it to the universe
Process ¡ Emphasize cyclical relationship between mind + body & how tech can help & harm | How to understand FAITH in the invisible “truths” one must accept with tech since what you say is EXPERT & SPECIALIZED knowledge THROUGH GENERATIONAL dysfunction guided by PTSD memories of WHAT WAS GIVEN/PROVIDED/TAUGHT in childhood | not going to mention my childhood except when the ptsd memory relates to the very wrong assumption that was the catalyst for the past to come rushing up at me due to denial of bodily safety & continuation of denials after repeated attempts at some response.
How many false starts & first days as the next day becomes a blank of the previous & makes me question how do organizational systems work...WORTH IT
Day 1: Absolutes & Identify 2-D transformed to A, B, C ---> 3-D
Always, never, no one, everyone : INTRO 1/10 t FLIP worst to best & to encourage hope | T-note
did this spontaneously above, noting the frequency of absolute which means that ptsd memory is ready to bring into the light & it goes HERE ✔️
First step in identifying self is identifying self in all the ways you identify with. This is from the past the bold ones are still true today. Whatever is added at the end is added at the end & this is how you learn about yourself. You think deeply & take risks at exposure & why you find a partner to trust since the only thing in this world are the stories you tell each other, to be who you want to be, and to a survivor, you want to be not damaged, not hurting & not scared.
still the same !!! ✔️American, femme, cis-gender, warrior badass subconscious unicorn berserker : a teachable moment personified : imagineer & humanist who doesn’t know “no” : mentally fierce - emotionally complex - behaviorally predictable & severely feeling thanks to NERVE DAMAGE, TRAUMATIC BRAIN INJURY & several tag teams who told me, showed me, insisted, than persisted to reveal how they LOATHE DIFFERENCE to reveal HOW people can DO what they claim “I’ll never do!” That was the crux of it all what triggers one person is the SAME : the lie of “I never intended to...”
be stronger than these warmongers ✔️
activate imagination ✔️
destroy negative thinking while simultaneously launching love bombs one after the other meaning any opportunity to do good in small & large moments you take them, press in, and see what pops up. Perhaps there’s beauty in places you never considered possible ✔️✔️🚀
The Confirmation
How to successfully rebuild a life : prerequisite for SELF-LOVE, SELF-CARE & SELF-IMAGE is TRUST in SELF : use what you know, what you want to know & reflect on what you’ve learned to create the path that works for you. I think I just did it. I was honest with “safe” people from my past & their response was really kind. Thank you for that. It’s pretty easy once you get a sense for people & who they are when there’s “trouble” or “grief” or “pain” & you question how that happens? What lives have they led?
#ptsd recovery#ed it#self-education#emotions that hurt#uses&abuses#T note : ptsd memory#choose different over same#poetry#lesson plan#history#day one#let's begin
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